Original subtitles

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

(GIRLS CHEERING)

Dang, Marie. This is police business. I could have wasted you.

It's just a water gun, you jerk.

This is Mad Dog. I can't wait for backup.

I'm going in alone.

You're dead meat, Mad Dog.

Do you feel lucky about yourself, Sanchez?

Do you, punk?

RAYMOND: Eat slime, cop.

You're mine.

Sanchez, come out with your hands in the air.

What are you doing?

Oh, no, I thought you were on fire.

We're not finished, Mr. Butler.

You're lucky I got a class.

Damn civilians.

Okay, we'll do it the hard way.

Freeze, dirtbag.

Get out of here.

I'm history.

Nice of you to drop in, Butt-ler.

Well, I'm dropping out.

If you hurt me, my dad will rip your head off.

Blood and guts and slime will be coming out your ears.

That don't scare Rio.

My dad's doing hard time.

You must be very proud.

I am. Whoa!

RIO: A dollar a day.

That's a bargain to come to this school.

Ain't it?

You smell like vomit.

Butler thinks he's a real cop.

Put me down!

Crawl back in the hole you came from. Put me down!

Give it back to me, you pus head.

Pus heads? That calls for payback.

Put me down! Put me down!

Oh, guys. Guys.

You little twerp.

Please. I meant it in the nicest way.

BOTH: Too bad.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Swirley.

Looks like you had a little accident.

Hope you have fun.

Enjoy your recess, nerd.

DEVON: Let me in!

I love this school.

Let me in!

(CHILDREN CLAMORING)

CHILD: He's so weird.

I've been looking for you, mister.

What? Have you been swimming, Butler?

No, he's been dunking for turds.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

That's enough.

You and I'll take a walk.

Give my regards to Mr. Fleming.

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

Now tell me, what have you learned today?

Sit up straight.

That I can hold my breath for a lot longer than I thought I could.

Do I sense a little insolence?

No.

Devon, Devon, Devon, Devon.

Lies are not explanations.

I'm not lying.

Every day these big jumbos

come and take my money.

They put me in the toilet and hold me upside down.

Always blaming it on someone else.

You leave me no choice, Devon.

I have to call your grandmother.

Mr. Fleming, please. You don't have to call her.

She can't take personal calls.

It makes her sick.

And she's on a very hard shift now.

Sit down, Devon.

Devon, if I don't make this call, you will never learn.

And I would have done you a great injustice.

283, isn't it?

Yeah.

What?

Yes, Mr. Fleming.

Thank you.

Don't worry about Fleming. He's just a dork.

Yeah, well, why doesn't my grandmother know that?

(SIREN WAILING)

Stop. Listen.

Fire truck?

No, that's a cop.

It's a code three. Let's roll.

(HORN BLARING)

NICK: (ON PA) I'm not getting out of this car.

I hate to run.

I told you, I'm not getting out of this car.

(GRUNTS)

What? Are you a nut?

NICK: I warned you.

Do all cops do that?

Only the best.

NICK: Quintero, who do you think is gonna run out of gas first?

(EXCLAIMS)

WALDO: Chu, get in.

Here, hold these.

RAYMOND: Got 'em. Did you get the license?

You bet.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Quintero, don't jump over that fence.

I hate to run.

Oh, look. We got to go see that.

Son of a... Son of a...

I hate to jump.

I really hate to jump.

Come on, Sanchez, keep up.

We're going to win first prize this year.

Oh, my goodness!

Who do you think you are, the Lone Ranger?

Get out of my yard!

NICK: End of the line.

Hey! Get your filthy butt off my car.

I just had it waxed.

All right. We're gonna do it the hard way.

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

All right. Stop whining.

Did you drop something, Quintero? It looks like drugs.

That ain't mine.

You know who I am?

You used to be Nick McKenna before you lost a step.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Oh, I'm sorry, I broke the nose

and I got to fix it.

Let me fix this. I think I can fix it.

(GROANING)

Hear it?

I should have been a doctor.

It's all right. Sorry about the disturbance.

Put your hands out. You know the drill.

Now, I'm gonna tie you to the car.

'Cause I don't want you getting in my car.

QUINTERO: What? Yeah!

You know why? Because you stink like garbage.

Okay, you ready?

And we'll just take this little evidence along.

You overweight rat. You're a sore loser.

Hey, McKenna, come on, man.

Hey, listen. This is not civilized.

He's making that fool run all the way back to the station.

Damn you, McKenna! You're not gonna do this.

Not the freeway!

Let's get out of here.

Bye! See you later.

Let's go, come on.

You're late.

Freeze!

RACHEL: Devon?

Grandma, you won't believe what me and Ray saw.

What Ray and I saw.

The school called again, Devon.

What'd the school say?

Devon, you gotta stop playing stupid cop games.

They're not stupid.

And just start taking responsibility.

But if I were a policeman, I probably could take care of you

and get my own apartment someday.

I'll take care of myself.

You just learn to take care of yourself.

Honey, did you see my keys?

You're going to work?

Yes, yes. I'm going to work.

The keys are in the ashtray, next to my handcuffs.

Yes. The hospital's short-handed.

I gotta sub again.

But tonight's the night we watch Miami Vice together.

Don't you think I wish I could just sit back and watch TV with you?

But you're a nurse.

You can make up some great disease.

Aw! You know I can't do that.

(HORN HONKING)

There's my ride.

In bed by 9:00. But, Grandma...

And not a minute late. Wait!

Do you hear me, Devon?

I can't do that. 10:30.

Forget it.

9:45. I'm in the fourth grade.

9:30. And you're in the third grade.

Deal.

You have your police whistle?

Yes, Devon. I have it. Now, Mrs. Norris across the hall

is gonna look in on you.

Make sure you leave your homework out so I can check it.

Okay.

Leaving him alone again, I see.

Sticking your sweet face into everybody's business again, I see.

Bye!

Your grandmother should be reported to Social Services.

Oh, really?

And you should be reported to the Orkin man.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

You're under arrest.

MAN: My client's ready to make a deal. What are you offering?

WOMAN: First degree reduced to second.

With a guarantee of no more than 10 years.

Make it five.

Seven. But I want him to testify against Medford.

That's bonus information. Ever hear of quid pro quo?

WOMAN: One hand washes the other?

(WHISPERS) Quid pro quo.

WOMAN: Why don't you give me some soap?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hey, Ray, want to go for a ride?

Sorry, I have to eat dinner with my parents.

I'll call you later.

Okay.

(CAR APPROACHING)

That black car again.

Hey, Quintero! McKenna gave you the third degree, huh?

QUINTERO: He tried to ask me about Bobo

and the drugs being delivered to Mr. Fountain.

I told him zippo.

You did good.

Good enough even to meet the boss. You lucky stiff.

And he's gonna thank you personally. I want you to know that, huh?

What do you think? Sit, sit, sit.

QUINTERO: I'm just being a stand-up guy.

(SINGING) Well

I'm the type of guy That likes to roam around

I'm never in one place Hey, I roam from town to town

I love 'em and I leave 'em 'Cause you know that I'm the best

I hop into my car And I drive around the world

They call me the wanderer

ALL: The wanderer

Hey, hey, the wanderer

Roam around and round and round and round

Round and round and round and round

CHU: Hey, boss. You kill me.

RUDY: You are my idol, Mr. Fountain. My idol.

(ALL CHEERING)

I'm so happy to meet you. I love your singing.

Do you have an album out?

You wouldn't be just saying that to butter me up, would you?

Because I detest hypocrisy.

No, I...

Oh, Chu. (SNIFFING) There's a fish in here.

Get rid of it. CHU: You got it, boss.

Hey, what are you doing? Hey, turn loose of me.

You know, in a fit of nostalgia,

I was going to shoot you myself, but I hate being so hands on.

And I hate stoolies even more.

Stoolie? I'm no stoolie.

I never said a word to McKenna.

Are you kidding me?

You really think that I don't know why they let you go so fast.

QUINTERO: You got it all wrong.

Hey...

(MUFFLED YELLING)

What a waste of a good chicken leg.

Relax. You'll get indigestion.

You're gonna love this. I'm gonna take you all the way back to 1961.

(SINGING) Splish, splash I was taking a bath

All about a Saturday night

(BOTH VOCALIZING)

Rub a dub I jumped back in the tub

Bobo delivers the euphoria.

10:30 Thursday morning. That's a hundred grand.

Did your cop friends get that, Quintero? Huh?

Was it loud enough for you? Huh?

FOUNTAIN: What? You can't swim?

CHU: Hey, Quintero, I hope you got your flippers on.

I hope your suit is drip-dry.

(SPLASHING)

(CLANGING)

Relax. Probably the pigeons.

I'll take care of it.

FOUNTAIN: Oh, no.

RUDY: I'm coming, boss.

We'll take care of this, Mr. Fountain.

You really think that's gonna work?

No, boss. I'm stupid.

Just once I would like to conduct business in a hygienic environment.

ALL: Yes, boss.

DEBRA: Come on, McKenna. You gotta give me something.

NICK: I haven't got anything, Debra.

I just got here, for crying out loud. Give me a break, will you?

Hey, I found him for you.

Quintero?

So much for the scum floats theory.

He was my only lead.

Hey, relax. We got a witness.

You got a witness? Yes, sir.

Where is he?

Fella's right over here.

Where?

McPHAIL: Uh, Nick?

Yeah?

Over here. He's been asking for you all night.

Hi!

Hi.

I'm Devon Butler. You can just call me Devon.

Ready for fingerprinting?

Let me talk to you a minute.

You got any idea what a sharp lawyer

will do to a kid on a witness stand?

I mean, he will rip this little guy to shreds.

He won't know the killer from Captain Kangaroo.

What are you trying to do to me?

Nick, he's all we got.

What's up?

Little boy.

If you saw the bad man again, would you recognize him?

Don't you think a formal interrogation downtown is in order?

And Captain Kangaroo hasn't been on the air for nine years.

God hates me.

Get his parents, get him downtown.

NICK: Who are you?

I'm Devon Butler. I just told you back there.

Short memory!

(LAUGHING)

Look at that fat jumbo.

(LAUGHING)

Do you recognize anybody in the book?

You have any pictures of these guys from the back?

I don't think I like that question. Why?

That's the way I saw them.

Let me explain something to you, all right?

You see, my strong suit is not patience.

So what I want you to do is to look at the book there

and find someone that you recognize.

Otherwise, I'm going to rip your little head off.

McPHAIL: Nick!

I got a plate number.

Son, why didn't you tell us that before?

Anybody ever heard of quid pro quo?

One hand washes the other.

That's bonus information.

You'd like a popsicle?

No, I don't want no popsicle. I want to see your superior.

Hello, Devon. My name is Captain Rubio.

I understand from Detective McKenna that you wanted to see me.

You need me to testify and identify, right?

Yes, Devon, that would be very helpful.

Ma'am, I'd like to cut a deal.

RUBIO: He wants to be a cop.

What?

Shield, assignments, squad car, the works.

And he's not going to help us unless he gets it.

Bring the criminal back when you arrest him.

Don't go... Don't go let him eat.

Just bring him to jail.

Bring him to jail!

Yeah, well, give me five minutes with him alone.

Hey, um...

So, anybody want a sip?

Guess not.

(DEVON HUMMING)

Devon, sweetie,

why don't you just go ahead and give us that plate number?

Then we can all go home.

Okay.

Make me a cop.

Why do you wanna be a cop?

Look at this guy.

Raggedy-ass clothes, 20-year-old car.

Bad back, bad marriage, bad attitude.

Son, does that sound like any kind of life for anybody?

But if you were a cop, people don't sass you.

Give us the plate number!

Nick!

I'll tell you what.

I'll give you a little taste of what I got.

"A taste"! Where does he get this stuff?

Prime time.

There's a shipment of euphoria coming in.

Tell us something we don't know.

Thursday. 10:30.

Mmm-hmm.

Where?

Don't know.

But I got a name.

Why is everyone gathering around me?

What's the name?

I really want to give you this name.

Uh-huh.

You put me on duty, it's yours.

Hey, McPhail, I'm from outer space.

Listen, you've had ride-alongs before, Nick.

No, I don't have ride-alongs. Yes, you have.

No, I don't.

Yes, I want you to take him for eight hours.

Other guys have ride-alongs.

Put a sock in it, Nick!

I want you to drive him around for eight hours.

Let him hit the siren a couple of times.

Humor him. What is the problem with this?

I can't. I don't get along with kids.

I don't like them. They don't like me. I don't care.

Nobody cares.

You can't have any fun with a kid. You take a kid to a bar,

he has one drink, he falls off the stool.

What is with you? What? What?

You gave me such a wonderful present today.

You gave me two destroyed lawns,

a weather grill, a chaise lounge.

I gave you a perp. A reckless endangerment.

You owe me. I don't owe you nothing.

You owe me. I don't owe you nothing.

Hey, Nick, when you get home,

you want to check and just see how the blues fit.

Are they a little snug under the... You know.

(BANGING)

McPHAIL: Hello, I'm Detective...

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby.

I told them not to call.

Oh, you had me scared to death.

Mrs. Baldwin. Hi, I'm Captain Rubio.

We spoke before. Yes, yes.

As I explained, young Devon here

witnessed a murder earlier this evening.

Fortunately, he wasn't harmed.

They're gonna let me be a cop.

What Devon means is we're just gonna

have one of our men ride him around for a few hours.

You know, sort of as a reward.

It's quid pro quo for helping them out.

My grandson has seen all I want him to see of police work.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is going to be nothing dangerous.

He's gonna be riding with our department's most decorated man.

NICK: All right, Devon.

You ride around with me for eight hours.

If you so much as think about getting in my way,

I'm gonna tie your little ass to the axle

and drag you all over the city. Okay?

RUBIO: Nick? Hmm?

I'd like you to meet Devon's grandmother.

How do you do?

No, no, please. Don't bother with introductions.

We're leaving.

And you talk to my grandson again like that and you'll be wearing that axle.

Grandma, I'll be serving our community.

Taking responsibility.

Now, where'd you get that?

From you.

Well... Thank you!

Now I didn't say yes.

But you said, "Well."

And you always say "Well" before you say yes.

Well, uh... No, we need to discuss this some more.

That's sharp, Nick.

(SINGING) Remember when I first met you

Wish me luck.

The heavens in my heart

Leaped into your eyes

(KNOCKING ON GLASS)

You're amazing.

You really think so, huh?

This better be good.

CHU: Well, sir, they got a witness.

And what did this witness witness?

It's just some kid.

But we know where he lives.

How much could a little kid see?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

I was a little kid once myself.

And I saw everything.

Thank you.

Chu, find out everything you can about this kid.

DEVON: Nice pair of boots, Nick.

I'll have to get me a pair of those.

So what kind of hardware do you carry?

I carry a bazooka in the trunk.

Everyone, could I please get your attention.

You be careful out there.

(OFFICERS LAUGHING)

Don't talk to anybody, especially me.

Hey, kid, you take care of McKenna.

He's fading fast.

I'm an 8-year-old, not a miracle worker.

Get in the car.

My shield? My badge?

All right. Here you are. Now get in the car.

I always wanted one of these.

Get in the car.

Yes?

My cuffs. A cop's gotta have cuffs.

He's right, McKenna.

Cuffs are what make this job worth doing.

(OFFICERS LAUGHING)

Thank you.

Everybody, get in the car.

Aye-aye! Let's roll.

Let's get down to business. We're going to have fun.

All right. Buckle up.

Wait a minute. I can't see.

Raise your butt up.

All right.

Calling all cars, all cars.

This is Detective Butler.

What are you doing?

Wherever you are... What are you doing?

You give me no joy.

DEVON: What do you got under the hood?

NICK: I got an engine, and in a minute, you.

Hey, when do we stop for donuts and coffee?

Haven't you heard about secondary smoke?

(COUGHING)

You heard about minding your own business?

At this very moment, the pink delicate tissues

of my still forming lungs may be shriveling

into green chunks of mucus.

Struggling for their last gasp

of poison brown air.

Happy?

Now you're littering.

What are we here for?

Stakeout.

It's your shift.

Do I look like a 5-year-old to you?

I can't tell. The light's not too good in here.

Deal's off. This is dullsville.

Well, lesson number one. Police work is dullsville.

What'd you have in mind?

Cop stuff.

Shakedowns, shootouts.

Busting scumbags.

Right.

Look, partner.

A code 27. Purse snatch.

Hey, come here!

Hey! Kid!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Stop, thief!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey! Watch where you're driving.

I'm commandeering your vehicle.

Hey, get back here! What? Are you nuts?

Whoa!

(WHOOPS)

Damn.

Police business. Coming through.

Look out!

MAN: Hey!

Whoa!

Sorry!

Stop! I hate to run.

DEVON: Make it easy on yourself.

MAN: Martha! Martha!

Stop, thief!

Martha! Martha!

Bye, honey. Thanks, honey.

Have a nice day.

What are you doing?

You're under arrest for violating code 27.

(GASPING)

Boy, Nick, you don't look too great. I nabbed the purse snatcher.

My wife forgot her purse.

I was trying to catch her before she got on the bus.

You're not a purse snatcher? No!

I'm calling the cops.

I am a police officer.

Great! What are you gonna do about this?

This?

I want to kill this.

Why do you think I spend hours and hours at the range

shooting at silhouettes, shooting the hearts right out of them?

Every single day. I've been doing that for years.

Why do you think I do that?

I do that because I don't want to chase anybody.

I don't like to run.

So, I want you to give me the plate number.

Hey, this is more like it. Partners are supposed to fight.

Part of the love-hate relationship.

We don't have a love-hate relationship.

We have a hate-hate relationship.

I don't know how your grandmother can stand you. You must drive her bonkers.

How do you know? You don't even live with us.

Give me the plate number.

Plate number N6B 72G.

Hey, Nick.

Go.

We got a make on a '65 Lincoln Continental,

registered to a D. DiMucci, 264 Bowman.

Let's get a warrant and ransack the place.

10-4.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

264 Bowman is a public library

and I figure DiMucci is a phony name also.

NICK: A public library. Will you give me something that I can use?

Bobo.

Bobo who?

Bobo, I don't know. How many Bobo's can there be?

You better pray just one.

Bombing Butler.

(SCREAMS)

Come on... Hey, can you do this one?

(IMITATING ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

What is this? A zoo?

Oh, it's a party, Mac.

(RINGING)

Grow up.

I'm listening to you.

Officer Butler here.

Okay, lady, calm down. Calm down.

What did the cat look like?

No, I'm eight.

(DIAL TONE)

Hello? Hello?

Damn civilians.

What have we got?

We got three Bobos.

(MAN CLUCKING)

Detective Butler here.

Detective McKenna would like to ask you a few questions.

Go ahead, Nick.

Is your name Bobo?

Ah, perfect.

Are you Mr. Bobo?

In blue.

Listen, I don't think this is the guy.

I didn't know art was so dangerous.

How'd you know he wasn't our Bobo?

Well, lesson number two, you gotta trust your instincts.

When you were in school, kids ever pick on you?

Yep.

What did you do?

Well, I handled it the best way I could.

Hey, Nick, it's a code 73.

What is today, Bobo?

Today? I don't know.

It feels like a Wednesday. I don't know.

Tell me!

You stay in the car. Don't get out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, come on.

My mother gave us this.

That's right. And you know what? She gave us this, too.

No, no.

What's the hell's going on here?

Ask him, sir. Mr. Bobo. Ask him what day it is today.

Is your name Bobo?

I forgot our anniversary.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

You forgot your anniversary?

It's your anniversary?

And I got a present for you, Bobo.

No, no, no, no, not the cards.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, yeah.

All! All of your old baseball cards.

BOBO: No! No, no.

(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

Don't, ma'am.

Detective Butler here. What seems to be the problem?

Get in the car.

Domestic altercations require two police officers.

You're not a police officer. Get in the car!

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Never let civilians see us disagree. It undermines my authority.

I'm disgusted. Really disgusted.

When you stop being mad at him,

you're gonna be real mad at yourself.

Don't worry. I'll never stop being mad at him.

Who are you, the Mickey Mouse patrol?

Get your skinny little butt out of there

before she throws you out of there.

Nick, please, give me a second, okay?

You think it's bad he forgot an anniversary?

It's not so bad.

I have these big jumbos who always throws me in the toilet.

And worse yet, I have him for a partner.

You two at least have each other,

even though you don't have any more plates.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, you may be right.

I may be right. Bobo, start up the stairs.

She can start down. You guys can meet halfway.

Thank you.

Instinct, right?

He wasn't the Bobo.

Right. You know what?

You were very good back there.

What time you gonna pick me up tomorrow?

I'm not.

Why? You said I did a great job.

You didn't kill me. I didn't kill you.

I guess you did all right. But the deal was one shift.

But there's another Bobo.

Yeah. He pops up, I'll write you.

I knew you would change your mind, Nick. I knew it.

Give me the stuff.

You're a good kid.

So, what happened? You shoot anybody?

Nothing happened.

Come on. Something must have happened.

Nothing happened.

All right.

Hey, Ray!

They want us to keep this stuff kind of hush-hush.

You know, police business. Do you understand? Come on.

I guess.

So what do you want to do?

Let's go have a Ding Dong.

Hey, Ray, stop! Look!

The black Lincoln. Get over here.

They know our neighborhood.

Who does?

They want me. Not you.

Here, keep this in the evidence locker.

I'll take care of it.

Now turn around and walk out of here naturally.

Naturally.

Hey! How you doing, fart-head?

Mr. Big Shot with the cops, huh?

Don't you morons have anything else to do?

What did you do that for?

'Cause you called me a moron.

So throwing your jacket on the ground makes you smarter?

This kid's making me nuts.

Hey, guys. I can't kid around anymore.

I'm watching my grandma's car.

Oh! So you're here with Grandma?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, so this is Grandmommy's car, huh?

Guys, please.

Bust me up, but not the car. Please.

You mean, don't do this?

That's exactly what I mean.

Or this?

Oh, too bad.

McNALLY: My turn.

This is your kiss goodbye.

(EXCLAIMING)

What are you doing?

Get out of here, boy.

I'll break your face when I get you!

Punks that you are!

We'll get you, you stupid little brats!

Let's get back in the car. Come on, let's go.

Ah, look at this. Oh, man!

These punks got no respect nowadays. Get in the car.

Hi, Grandma.

It finally caught up with you.

What did?

The new school counselor is here to see you.

I hope you're happy. Just answer everything.

Truthfully.

There you are. Hi, Devon.

Hi.

You recognize me?

No.

I'm Mr. Goodman, the new counselor from school.

You haven't seen me around school, huh?

No.

Well, let's sit down.

So...

You know why I'm here?

Missing school today?

Exactly.

Now, your grandmother tells me that you've been

helping the police find a very dangerous man.

You won't believe the dirtbags we're...

Hello? Devon?

You were saying?

I said I didn't see him. I didn't see the bad guy's face.

That's good. I mean, that's bad.

Probably, the police are disappointed.

Oh, very disappointed.

And mad, too, because I wasted their time.

(SCOFFS)

I'm afraid we're out of cream.

Oh, gee. You know what?

I'm gonna take a rain check on this because I've got...

Ooh. I think I will take one of these.

I've got a few stops I have to make.

Is everything all right?

Oh!

I'm very pleased with Devon.

As a matter of fact,

Devon's a good boy.

You have a good day.

(SHOUTING) Grandma!

Hey, mister. (WHISPERS) Damn.

Come here.

What? Excuse me, madam? Come here?

I overheard your conversation. That woman can't control...

Get your arm off me, madam, or I'll put you in a home.

NICK: I cannot do my job with a kid around. RUBIO: Nick!

I do not like kids. Nick!

Why does he have to stay in my house?

Why can't he stay with somebody else?

Believe me, you wouldn't even be my second choice for him to stay with,

but the kid is comfortable with you. Come on.

How long can it last? Give me a break.

Besides, you have such a lovely rapport with him.

Let's go.

You're going to listen to Mr. McKenna, right?

Detective McKenna. Detective McKenna.

Look at me. Devon, look at me.

You won't leave here without him, right?

Grandma, he's got a gun.

I'm sure he has.

And you won't leave him here and go around playing cowboys and Indians.

Lady, the next time somebody breaks into your apartment,

why don't you call the bunkhouse and ask for a cowboy?

I'm sure they'd come a lot faster than you.

(LOUDLY) I've been busting my chops all my life...

Has anybody seen Barnyard Cop?

What?

He always asks his partner, "What comes after 'L'?"

I don't know.

Bow. Don't you get it?

Elbow! (COUGHING)

You hit me one more time with your elbow,

I'm gonna rip it off and wave it at you.

You keep pulling that attitude with my grandson...

I don't have an attitude, lady. I'm just a police officer.

I do not have an attitude.

Come here.

Take care of yourself, Devon.

I will.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Hey, Nick. Mmm-hmm?

Is a hundred grand the same as 100,000?

Yeah. Why?

The guy in the warehouse said it. "A hundred grand."

I heard it was more like a hundred million.

Wait. Hmm?

Swords.

What swords?

Come on. It's fun.

My friend Raymond can piss eight feet.

Well, Raymond's my new hero. Just watch what you're doing.

Come on, this will be...

(URINATING)

Sorry.

Good night, kid.

Hey, Nick.

Yeah?

Aren't you gonna read me a story?

You want to be a police officer,

you gotta get your batteries recharged, all right?

And besides, you're eight-years-old. I'm not going to read to you.

Don't you know anything about kids?

It relaxes us.

Once upon a time,

"Randy Milligan was released from the Kansas City Hospital

"Thursday afternoon

"and planned to join his Baltimore teammates for a trip to New York

"on Thursday night.

"Milligan was knocked unconscious

"after he ran into second baseman, Billy Ripken."

Give me a break. It's a story.

"Milligan was knocked unconscious

"after he ran into second baseman Billy Ripken

"while chasing a ground ball on Wednesday night.

"Milligan sustained minor concussion

"and left the field in an ambulance.

"Tests Thursday revealed no major damage,

"besides a concussion.

"Milligan suffered a...

"A bruised cheekbone and..."

Actually, the doctors don't have much hope for him

they are going to cut off his testicles.

(DEVON COUGHING)

Boss, these are beautiful.

What did you find out, Chu?

Sir, the kid is with McKenna.

(GROANS)

Why?

Because I'm boiling.

Are you gentlemen capable of doing anything right?

Absolutely.

With McKenna, huh?

Erase them like a bad grade.

You got it, boss.

(DOOR OPENING)

(PANTING)

I just wanted a glass of milk.

Incoming.

So you're dumping the kid?

I gave him to McPhail. McPhail already has some kids, all right?

I'm not used to this kind of stuff.

What kind of stuff?

Look, I'm not a bodyguard. I'm not a babysitter.

I have a routine. I have a routine to do.

Uh-huh.

Well, I guess the kid has gotten to you, huh?

Give the kid to McPhail.

He likes Corn Flakes in the morning.

(SIGHS)

38 in a 35 zone. What do you think, Devon?

Do we let him slide? I don't care.

Hey, hey, hey! You got to help me out here, Devon.

Now I was gonna let the guy slide,

only you gotta be with me on this, you know.

We're partners here. Now, don't tell Rubio.

Okay, let him slide.

Hey, good decision. You'll make a good cop.

Nick doesn't think so.

Hey, let me tell you something about Nick.

Eight years ago, there was a drug bust.

His partner was killed.

It was nobody's fault, but Nick blamed himself.

You understand what I'm trying to tell you?

After that he wouldn't let anyone close.

He wouldn't be friends with anything that breathed.

But it wasn't his fault.

I know that. Try convincing Nick.

If he'd listen, I'd try.

I know, I know.

Come on, you're on duty.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

This one we got to nab.

38 in a 35 zone. We could let him slide.

Please. We got to nab this one.

Please!

Book him, Danno. Yes!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! You'll need this.

Thanks. Wait a minute.

You! Pull over.

Yes, Officer?

License and registration, please, Mr. Fleming.

What's going on here? What are you...

I'm your worst nightmare.

An 8-year-old with a badge.

I'm in a hurry, Butler.

And I got a nightmare for you. In my office.

You know where that is. Don't sass me, Mr. Fleming.

Officer Butler has full jurisdiction here.

Step out of your car, please, sir.

FLEMING: Is this for real?

Out.

Hands on the hood and spread them.

Any concealed weapons? No.

I can explain. I...

Herman, if I don't do this, you will never learn.

And I would be doing you a great injustice.

Fleming, right?

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, sir.

Thanks.

Due by Tuesday.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

See him?

Yeah.

Our little problem is about to go away.

(SHOUTS) Devon!

Nick!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Halt!

You okay?

Yeah.

That was just like Miami Vice.

Oh.

(STUTTERS) I...

(STUTTERS MOCKINGLY) I would go after that Lincoln!

Let's go.

I'm too old for this.

You sure you're all right?

Yeah. Except I couldn't see nothing. Your arm was in the way.

Sorry.

I found another Bobo.

Could I have my badge back?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Let's go kick some ass.

DEVON: Do you need a tattoo to get in this place?

All right.

Take off that T-shirt. I don't want you coming inside.

You go in there, you hang around in that bar, you'll get hurt.

I can handle it.

Yeah.

MAN: I thought this was a leather bar.

What are you doing? Leave me alone!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Put that back down!

Come on.

Hanging around the parking lot, you'll get hurt.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

You can look that way in a few years.

That's not a 48-year-old midget,

both of you are gonna be out of here... Here's his ID card.

You're a cop. I'm a cop?

He's my assistant.

We're looking for a guy named Bobo.

You're looking for Bobo? Yeah.

That's him at the end of the bar.

The guy with the shirt off?

Yeah.

Dear God.

You Mr. Bobo? Ask your mother.

DEVON: Hey, pal.

You talking to me?

I didn't catch your name.

I didn't throw it.

Steve. Good name.

Give me a milk, Steve.

In a dirty glass.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Is there a Mr. Bobo out here? I'm looking for a Mr. Bobo,

because I have some money I want to give him.

Tell me about Bobo.

I heard he was a world famous hairdresser.

Maybe this will refresh your memory.

Thank you.

Apparently Mr. Bobo doesn't want this money.

Mr. Bobo!

(GRUNTING) You know, you can't have the money until you tell me your name is Bobo.

I'm Bobo.

In that case, I want to talk to you.

DEVON: If I were you, I'd play dead.

Thanks.

Well, I'm fine.

(NICK GRUNTS)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(GROANING)

Don't hit her. She's a woman.

Didn't hit her.

(LAUGHING) Break him!

You're mine. I don't think so.

Yes!

Get off of him!

(YELLING CRAZILY)

(SIREN BLARING)

DEVON: This is the SWAT team commander. We have you surrounded.

Throw down your weapons. The police are here.

DEVON: So is that a good place to hit a guy?

NICK: A guy that big, that's the only place you hit him.

Why did you call for help for? I was doing fine.

It didn't look like it to me.

He's heading for the bridge.

I can see that.

You're losing him. Shut up.

(SINGING) Oh, say can you see...

What are you doing?

When I'm scared, I sing. Do you mind?

(BELL RINGING)

Oh, say can you see By the dawn's early light

NICK: I could have made it.

Maybe.

All right, now, you can call for back up.

I don't think I can do that.

Why?

'Cause I think I'm sick.

MAN ON RADIO: What's your 10-20, McKenna?

NICK: We're perpendicular.

Hey, kid!

(MEN SINGING)

Devon!

You guys seen a little kid around here?

(SINGING)

Hey, Nick.

Where the hell have you been?

I wanted to surprise you.

Glazed or chocolate?

People are trying to kill you!

Are you some kind of bonehead or what?

I'm not, and you don't have to yell.

I can't handle this anymore. I cannot handle it anymore.

Pick a city, Cincinnati. Cleveland.

Take you and your grandmother. You go there. I'll pay for it.

You call this being a father?

I'm not your father.

I'm not your partner either!

Fine!

I don't want you to be my father.

I don't want you to be my partner!

I don't want you to be anything!

I'm gonna handle things myself.

Devon?

Devon!

Come back over here.

Will you come... Devon.

I'm on official police business.

Just come with us.

Quietly.

Back off! I'm only gonna count till one.

Shut up, ant. Don't you wish.

Another shrimp bites the dust.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

RIO: First we're gonna break your arms. (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

McNALLY: Then we're gonna break your ugly little face.

Stay down, you little crud.

BOY: There's a fight over there.

(CHILDREN CLAMORING)

McNALLY: Hey, it's wedgie time. Put me down!

RIO: Watch and learn, kiddies.

Let me down!

McNALLY: How does that sand taste, huh?

I love it!

Put me down, you jerk!

Time to kick your ass.

I don't think so.

(GROANS) Oh!

(CHEERING)

McNALLY: You're dead, you little puke.

Get off me.

Get off me, man. Get him.

Got you. (LAUGHING)

You're dead. You little puke.

Let us go. Or you're dead, you little creep.

If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

I'm Detective Butler, and you two zit bombs are under arrest.

Devon, come on. Yeah, come on, man!

Be quiet!

Hey, Deputy Sanchez, does this happen to be yours?

Thanks.

That is so cool.

Remember, Katy, the law is on your side,

DEVON: Oh, no.

Get up here. Listen up.

I need a diversion.

We could do that. ALL: Yeah!

Shane, go close the gate.

Yes, sir.

The rest of you, split.

Come on! Talk to Devon.

Gotcha.

Mom!

Those are the punks that smashed the car.

RIO: Oh, no! McNALLY: Oh, no!

Morning, boys. How do you feel?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Devon! DEVON: Over here!

Waldo, over there.

Gotcha. (GIGGLES)

Hey, mister. I like your suit.

(GROANS)

Come on, sucker! I'm right here.

Are you ready? Yeah.

Come on.

(GRUNTS)

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

You okay?

All right, everybody, sit down!

Where is Devon Butler?

I'm Devon Butler.

I'm Devon Butler.

I'm Devon Butler. I'm Devon Butler.

I'm Devon Butler.

I'm Devon Butler.

ALL: I'm Devon Butler.

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

Fire.

Fire.

(LAUGHING)

Let's not tell anybody about this, all right?

Not again.

I'm not done with you! Come on!

Have you got any idea where he might be?

Any place. Any place at all?

He doesn't have many friends.

I know.

He's just a baby.

I'm gonna find him. I promise.

I promise, Rachel.

Officer, are you from Social Services?

Yes, I was just giving Mrs. Butler the Grandmother of the Year award.

By the way, we're keeping an eye on you.

(FOUTAIN'S DEMO PLAYING ON RADIO)

This sucks. You better learn to love it.

RAYMOND ON WALKIE-TALKIE: Devon, did you make it?

Are you in the car? Be careful, Devon.

This is not a good place to call me.

What the hell is that?

DEVON: Ray, will you turn off your radio?

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say... Shut up, kid.

RAYMOND: What's happening? Talk to me!

Imagine this little punk...

You owe me $9.95.

Get over here, you little...

CHU: Sit down. Don't move.

What are you looking at? What's the matter with you?

Mmm.

Nice to see you again, Devon.

You remember me? We had that nice little talk together, eh?

Pity you didn't listen.

You're in trouble now.

Uh-oh.

(LAUGHS)

You like music, Devon?

Are you talkin' about that '50s crap that they were dissin' in the car?

I heard you singing.

A cat choking on a hairball sounds better than you.

How would you know, hmm?

Do you have any idea as to who I was?

Lock him in the other office.

Okay, boss.

Hey, put me down, piggy.

Do not move. You understand? Let's go.

Help!

All right. Now calm down.

What would Nick do?

911.

Hello, could you get me Nick McKenna? Tell him it's Devon.

Captain, it's Butler.

Honey, where are you?

Who's on the phone? The kid's on the phone.

Oh.

The kid? The door. Let me up.

Tell him a hundred grand is not money.

What does that mean, Devon?

Didn't I tell you not to touch anything?

Take him, Rudy.

Get Nick.

McPHAIL ON RADIO: Nick, we heard from Devon.

He said, "Tell Nick that the hundred grand isn't money."

What the hell does that mean?

We don't know. Thanks.

Put me down, you oink oink.

RUDY: Ow.

Rudy, what are you doing?

Over here.

The drug lab is over here.

I knew it was drugs.

I'm sure that I said to keep him in the office.

He was a bad boy, boss. He called me piggy.

I like that. Stick him in the corner till we're finished.

Stick him in the corner.

This is a good consistency. Let's leave it at this.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(MOTORCYCLE PASSING)

NICK: Hello, Bobo.

CHU: Hey, we got the drugs out of all of the horns.

Good.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Uh-oh.

Well, Devon, it looks like it's time to say goodbye.

Take him to the boat. You got it, boss.

You're going to kill me? Shut up.

See you, Devon. Give my regards to Elvis.

I bet you're peeing in your pants by now, ain't you, kid?

No wonder dinosaurs are extinct. Big head, small brain.

Look, I'm tired of you calling me names. I'm gonna do him right now.

Get out of the way, Chu! Get out of the way!

Take it easy, Rudy. Take it easy.

Hey, kid, you want to say a prayer? Go ahead.

Hey, Bobo, you're late.

Everybody's waiting on you, Bo.

Hey, kid. What comes after "L?"

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) A, B, C, D, E, F...

Bow! (GROANING)

(GUN COCKING)

(GRUNTS)

Where's the gun? Where's the gun?

It's under here. I can't reach it, Nick.

Damn.

Come on.

Seal off the warehouse.

There's no way out now, McKenna!

(SCREAMS)

Whoa!

You see anybody? No. Nobody.

Stay put.

Hey, Nick.

Are you mad at me?

Nah.

(GROANS)

Get the car. Come on. Get up.

Get up! Get up! Get the boat.

McKenna, you're mine!

Jump. Now?

Now!

(GROANING)

Nick, you've been shot.

Yeah.

There's Bobo.

What are you looking at, weenie, huh?

He has got my car door.

(YELLS)

Come on!

Go faster, Nick. Faster!

Move out of the way!

What are you doing? Get out of the way, huh?

What is your name? What is your name?

MAN: All right.

(GRUNTS) We're out of gas.

Go, go, go!

It's awfully quiet. Maybe we got them.

Maybe not.

Start digging under the bags. Yeah.

Where are you? Where are you? Where are you?

Nice and easy, will you? Nice and easy.

They're not here.

(GRUNTS)

Can you hot-wire this thing?

We got keys.

Better idea.

Nick, you can't use your arm. I got to do it.

(ENGINE STARTING)

They're in the boat.

Come on!

There's McKenna on the boat. Follow him!

Let's go, Rudy!

Follow me! Follow me, you stupid! Follow me!

Why? All I want to do is sing.

Come on.

Follow the boss.

There he is. Up there. See him?

(TUGBOATS HONKING)

Nick. Tugboats.

Oh, Nick!

Keep it steady!

Turn it about! Turn it about!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(YELLING)

Get back here, Chu!

Turn it. Turn!

(LAUGHING)

DEVON: Oh, no. It's a dead end, Nick.

NICK: All right.

You're gonna drive this boat right up those pipes.

I can't do that, Nick. Yes, you can.

That's it. We've got them now!

I'm scared. I'm scared, too, Devon.

But you're my partner.

Let's hit it.

(BOTH SINGING) Oh, say can you see

By the dawn's early light What so proudly we hailed...

They're gonna jump the pipe.

Nah. They're nuts.

And the rockets' red glare The bombs bursting in air

(GROANING)

Yes!

We did it, Nick!

Ow!

Follow him!

We're going. Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Come on, baby!

You can do it!

All right!

Wait. Hold it, hold it. A little to the right. To the right!

(FOUNTAIN SCREAMING)

Get me out of here, now. Get me out of here!

I'm a little indisposed at the moment.

I can't even get myself out of here, boss.

FOUNTAIN: Get me the hell out of here!

This is ridiculous.

Hey! McKenna!

McKenna, I'm gonna kill you.

(LAUGHING)

FOUNTAIN: Big joke, huh, McKenna?

I'm going to stick you in here. Keep laughing.

Waldo, there's fish here.

WALDO: Hey, boss. Shut up.

(BURPS)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(GRUNTS)

Hey, Nick. Uh-huh?

I want to put my police business on hold for a while.

And be a kid again.

You know something, Devon?

Me, too. Great.

NICK: Hey, partner, how you doing?

Could we go a little faster? I'm used to speed.

Hey, I was shot three months ago.

You want speed, come on over and give me some help.

Ready?

RACHEL: This is the life.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)