Original subtitles

Hello!

English, please.

I'm surrounded by idiots.

That girl is a lot.

I told you, Pugsley. It's push, not pull.

Hello, everyone!

I can't believe

parents let their children go out like this.

They're all so clean,

shiny.

Oh, it's not all bad, my dear.

At least they pit the children against each other

in a competition

that will inevitably scar the losers forever.

Behold! The gift of Prometheus!

Ugh.

Step aside, kid.

I'll show you how it's done.

What?

Ladies and gentlemen.

Come on, come on. Wednesday is next.

Have you ever found yourself discontented

by those closest to you?

Are you irked by their inability

to heed simple requests?

Such as, "Please don't come to my science fair."

She's talking about us.

Do you ever wish you could take

their undesirable qualities

and eliminate them forever?

It can be done.

Meet my Uncle Fester.

Hello!

That's my brother.

Observe.

Hmm.

Mm.

Come on!

Stomach-turning, isn't it?

In stark contrast, however,

is Socrates.

Aw.

Psst! Are you gonna eat that?

This led me to ponder the question,

what if personality traits could be extracted

and implanted between creatures?

Bottoms up.

Ooh.

Yay! All right! Thank you, thank you.

What happened?

Is there a single person

in the history of the world

who's made more of a breakthrough?

She's an enfant terrible.

With the focus on terrible.

Cara mia, you know what French does to me.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.

Here to present the awards at this year's

Strange Foundation National Science Fair,

is the brilliant innovator

and the namesake of our foundation, Cyrus Strange.

Hello, everyone.

Oh!

I'm so honored to be here.

But, well, I'm not actually there, I'm...

Well, you get it.

Welcome to this year's science fair.

I'm excited to honor this group

of brilliant minds we have before us.

Let's proceed.

And the winner is...

Good luck.-

Oh. You were serious.

Everyone who participated.

- What? - That's right.

This year, we are embracing a new philosophy.

Just trying makes you a winner.

But how can you be a winner if no one is a loser?

Every single one of you is special.

Disagree.

He's not special.

Did you see his volcano?

What was that? Baking soda?

Is this the third grade?

It does not count!

Don't you get it?

- Ugh. - I get it, Wednesday.

I watched your presentation.

It was brilliant.

Yes, I'm aware of that.

I see a kindred spirit in you.

Mm-hmm. The makings of a great mind.

If you'd like to share your research with me,

I could develop it further in my lab.

Imagine what would happen

if we combined your data with the proper resources?

Alas, I can't share any of that.

It's a family secret.

I see.

And which family is yours?

Fire in the hole!

Oh.

Pretty hot, eh, ladies?

Nice job, Romeo.

For more

Morticia, my queen,

you inflame me.

I feel liquid magma lapping at my body.

You're on fire, dear.

Ha! So I am!

My condolences.

Great thinkers need obstacles to function.

Yet, with every meaningless trophy,

I become more and more unremarkable.

And with every hug, more brain cells erode.

But, like the phoenix from the ashes,

I shall rise above this setback.

Together, we shall turn heads, Socrates.

Starting with Pugsley.

- Love hurts, huh, kid? - Huh?

Well, I saw you swing and miss horribly

with the ladies at the science fair.

So, I thought you should read my book!

The Fester Method: How to Woo and Other Tips on Love.

You wrote this?

Self-published, on the Internet.

Not easy to do.

Pugsley, I've been on three first dates.

I mean, who else has that kind of experience?

I know this, uh, goes against guy code,

but what are you doing Friday night?

Hey, you kids, come on down here.

It's dinner time.

Mmm.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

It's dinner time, my favorite nighttime meal!

My balls!

Uh-oh, my head!

Mmm.

Oh!

Please, Uncle Fester, wait for the children.

Children?

I thought we were having chicken.

Where are those two?

Pugsley may have an appetite for destruction,

but it's never a match for his stomach.

I wouldn't wait on Pugsley.

Kid's got a lot of homework to do.

This generation.

Let's at least wait for Wednesday.

Why does nobody in this family

come in through the front door?

"Dearest Mother and Father,

I will not be attending this evening's ritual mastication."

I guess she's not hungry.

"It's not that I'm not hungry,

I am just choosing to spare myself

the agony of your compliments on my performance today

and your needy attempt to hang my award above the fireplace."

I should go try to talk to her.

"Don't try to talk to me.

I want to be alone."

We should bring her a plate at least.

"P.S. Don't even bring me a plate."

This is the third dinner

Wednesday has skipped this week.

Why is she avoiding us?

All I ever do is try to love and support her.

Gomez, I think she's saying that's the problem.

You're brilliant, cara mia.

- What? - She's trying to tell me

that what a young girl wants

is a ton of attention from her father.

Or you could just keep being yourself.

Let her come back to us when she's ready.

But that could take forever!

I have the very solution to the problem, cara mia.

We'll take a family road trip.

What?

You've always wanted to see more of this great country.

Well, it's true.

We have some of the best dark secrets, as countries go.

Then it's settled!

We are going on an Addams family vacation!

Come on, kids.

Feast your eyes on the old Addams camper.

Thing's been fixing it up.

It's a hybrid.

Half car, half eyesore.

Mother, Father, this is cruel.

Even for you.

That's the spirit, Lurch.-

- Ha-ha!

Let's go, Wednesday.

It's time for some family bonding.

Whether you like it or not.

You see, Wednesday,

this trip will bring the Addams family

closer than ever before.

Or there will be no survivors.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Hello?

Mr. Addams?

Hello, good sir!

I am Gomez Addams.

And this is my wife, Morticia.

Charmed.

I'll get right to the point.

My name is Mustela.

I'm a lawyer representing a couple in Sausalito, California.

Recent evidence has come to light

that on the night of my client's daughter's birth,

she may have been switched

with another child at the hospital.

Namely, a Wednesday Addams.

Ooh, hilarious!

All this, just to get out of a family road trip.

How much did Wednesday pay you?

Excuse me?

Oh! Sorry, sorry, where are my manners?

I think he's expecting a tip.

No, I'm expecting a DNA sample.

If you'll bring the child here, we can...

I never seem to have a tip.

I do.

Great Uncle Zander left me these tips in his will.

I knew one day they'd come in handy.

There you go, my good man.

Well played. Very amusing indeed.

I assure you, Mr. Addams,

there's nothing amusing about this.

And this is far from over!

I can't believe he gave me the finger.

Mother, Father, who was that man?

Very funny, Wednesday.

Nice try.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Who was he?

No one for you to worry about.

No one at all, dear.

Hmm.

Thank you for watching the house

while we're gone, Grandma.

It's such a relief to know it's in safe hands.

Oh, please.

Trust me, these hands have cracked many safes.

Thing, let the vacation commence!

Let's roll!

Bye! Farewell!

Adios! Toodle-oo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! I thought they'd never leave.

Let's party!

You read my mind, chuckles.

Time to make some money.

I thought that first,

we shall pay our respects to the immolated

in the witch-haunted city of Salem.

Then, in the great nomadic tradition of our ancestors,

we'll flit hither and thither across this great nation

until we reach

our final destination.-

The place on Earth where people are happiest!

Death Valley!

We'll be gone for three weeks.

Three weeks?

You're both growing up so fast.

Soon, you'll move out,

and it'll be nice to have a memory

we could look back upon.

No matter how terrible.

Ooh, like prom night.

'Bout to go global

I can't believe the boss made me bring backup.

No offense, I just really don't see

what you bring to the table.

All I know is,

if we don't get that girl and bring her back to Sausalito,

we'll both be fired.

Oh, ugh. Mint?

You know what? Take 'em all.

'Bout to go global

Ooh, ooh, ooh. And then it goes...

Anyway, it's not finished yet,

but it's my best rock opera yet.

I'm calling it Rocktapus.

I wrote it in the bath.

I've been taking a lot of baths recently.

You know, I think it's...

All that beautiful water!

Forget Salem! We know how it turned out.

Change of plans.

Thing, how did this happen?

We were supposed to be in Salem.

Ah, don't be mad, brother.

Niagara Falls is the great Wonder of the World

and kills the most tourists

with its powerful, seductive

Fester? Fester?

Hey, Fester.-

Are you feeling all right?

You're not your usual creepy self.

Not especially.

Will you take a look at this?

Does this seem off to you?-

It smells okay,

but make sure to put it in the fridge.

Seafood turns very quickly.

Having fun?

I'm staring at Canada, if that answers your question.

I'm sorry, Wednesday.

I know how much you wanted to see

where girls your age were burned at the stake.

What did you call them again?

Squad goals.

What do you say we do a little exploring?

Just us.

I saw a vintage store in town.

Maybe it's time for you to try out a more mature look.

The little black dress is a classic, Mother.

There's my little holy terror.

You know how I feel about hugs, Father.

Did you know dozens of people tried to go over these falls

in wooden barrels?

Does anyone survive?

Some do. Some don't.

I hear it's a barrel of fun.

Pugsley, have you ever worn a coat of live bees?

OMG.

I should totes take a selfie of this moment.

Ah! This is the perfect opportunity

to try out the moves in my book.

The key with women

is to make a strong first impression.

You mean like a bad smell?

Well, that goes without saying.

What I mean is, it's important to make a big splash.

Are you with me, kid?

- Huh? - Ouch!

I just skinned my knee

falling for you.

That's so corny.

Ugh. Did you get that from a book?

Uh-oh. Uh...-

Leave this to me.

Excuse me, vacuous lemmings.

Oh, come on.

Let me begin

Battle me, that's a sin

Punk, you better back up

And, yo

I came to get down

And jump around

And get down!

Jump! Jump!

Madison, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?

Help!

Is that a maybe?

Right in the Niagara balls!

Nobody is renting barrels.

I had to buy 300 pickles just to get these.

You go that way. I'll look over here.

Gomez, look.

Isn't that the weaselly man

who came to the house looking for Wednesday?

Well, I have to admit, I admire the man's tenacity.

Wednesday, let's try

a little family trust-building exercise.

- I don't believe in exercise. - Sorry!

Excelsior! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, hey, wait for me!

I wanna go in the water too!

Help! Pongo!

Guess that takes care of that.

Hey, where's Pugsley?

Well, look at this, a tiny floating person.

Oh! There he is.

How great was that, Wednesday?

And we both survived.

Another thing we have in common.

Okay, what's going on?

Whatever do you mean?

Father.

His erratic behavior.

This last-minute family trip to make memories.

Giving hugs.

It's torture.

And not the fun kind,

like putting leeches in Pugsley's briefs.

Anyway, I'm quite sure he's dying.

- What? - Don't worry.

I won't tell Pugsley.

Not yet.

He'll enjoy the surprise.

But if you're afraid to ask my permission to take a new lover,

just know you have it.

Dropped out of school

Ouch! Mom, tell her to stop!

Please, darlings, quiet down.

I'm trying to find a signal.

Ow!

Mom, help!-

Gomez, have you heard from your mother yet?

She's not answering my texts.

Oh, she's probably having an early night.

The woman is almost 102 years old, after all.

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

We're here for the party!

Whoop-la!

Tickets, please!

Wow, this place is a whole mood.

Well, if you're in the mood to party,

step right this way.

Whoa! This plant totes slaps!

No, darling, she snaps.

Oh, don't worry, don't worry.

She's on a vegan diet.

In that she only eats vegans.

And who's the headliner?

Uh... Uh... The Talking Heads.

For reals?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, they're right over there.

On you, ooh, ooh

Um... I didn't pay $500 to watch a bunch of puppets.

What?

Do you know how hard it is to decapitate

an entire barber shop quartet?

Ew! Refund, please.

Let's not be hasty.

I was just joking.

I don't want to ruin the surprise.

And... And trust me,

the headliner will make serious headlines.

It was the dead of night.

The witching hour.-

The wolf howled.

And then she heard a scratching at the door.

Scratch,

scratch,

scratch.

She slowly opened it to reveal

a puppy!

And around its neck

was a bow!

Mm. Gomez.-

You remember when I first told you that one, Pugsley?

You must've been two months old.

Oh, you'd scream and scream until you wet yourself.

Some things never change.

She's not back yet.

She said she wanted to be alone,

but how long does that take?

There she is.

How did it go out there, Wednesday?

Did Kitty do his business?

Indeed.

Ew! Come, come. Join us.

We were just telling stories of when Pugsley was born.

He kept us up all night, howling.

Wednesday, you were the opposite.

I've never heard of a baby

being completely silent before.

Ah, yes,

I remember the night Wednesday was born.

It was a Tuesday.

All tucked in tight in the hospital nursery.

She was silent as a jellyfish.

Even when all the other little babies started bawling.

What do you mean?

Oh, I never told you this story?

Start talking.

Well, I was looking for a bathroom

because I'd eaten all of the patients' pudding

that they left behind,

when I took a wrong turn into the hospital nursery.

And that's when I spotted her.

I just wanted to get a better look at my new niece.

But a bunch of the babies started

wailing their heads off.

So, I remembered the age-old Addams family nursery trick.

And sure enough, they all fell asleep.

And I put all the babies back where I found them.

I think.

Pretty sure.-

- Kitty needs a walk. - Right away.

But I just walked...

Fester, you're in charge.

I wonder if I could juggle actual children.

Wednesday, Pugsley, bring it in, let's find out.

You never know until you try.

And if one of you

falls on your head, well, lesson learned.

Hard to believe women don't want to talk to either of you.

Gomez, what if what that lawyer said is true?

These people are not going to give up.

They'll keep coming until they take her away.

Let him come!

They shall know us by our trail of dead.

Ugh. That's your answer to everything.

I only wish

I did have the answer for it, querida.

Tish! That's it.

I may not have the answer, but I know someone who will.

I hope so.

Whatever we do, we can't let Wednesday find out

she might not be our daughter.

Could it be true?

Could I have been misplaced in my infancy?

Grown up with a delusion that I am one person,

when in fact, I am someone completely different.

Now this is the origin story an innovator like me deserves.

It would make a fascinating first chapter in my memoir.

Can you imagine?

Come on, kids!

Up and Addams!

Thing, head south.

What we need is a little old-fashioned Addams fun!

Ha-ha!

I got it. Oh! There we go.

Oh, dude!

Hey, freak!

Pass it back!-

I'm not a freak.

I'm a force of nature.

Some force of nature.

So weak.-

Guys, you see this?

What's going on? what Is it?-

'Cause nobody can handle me

Because I'm somethin' They never seen

I'm in love with myself

When I'm feelin' myself

Oh, my.

It looks like some unfortunate soul

has dropped a small fortune in the sand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Lame!-

It looks like we need to go over Chapter 3,

"How to be Repulsive and Impress Girls."

I'll be right back.

I gotta go use the bathroom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Shark! Shark!

Run for your lives!

Hyah! See?

Now that's how you attract attention.

Ah! There he is.

The man we came to see.

Ladies, what do ladies say?

We got your back"

We got your back"

We beat it till we beat it

can give it to us 'Cause you know we need it

It!

Good to see you, my bewhiskered cousin.

You made it.-

Mm. It's in Florida for spring break.

Ghouls Gone Wild, am I right?

He's going to join us on our trip.

Hold on.

He's coming in the camper?

We're cramped enough as it is.

And he sheds, Morticia.

Oh, Fester, he's family.

The more the hairier.

Well, if he's allowed on the couch, then so am I!

No, no, no!

I said cut the red wire.

I can't believe Taylor Swift wants to date me.

Me.

Make sure to close the door

when you go into outer space.

Yes, Beyonce, I would love to share my ham with you.

Weighed empty

Was a bone to be chewed

Of November came early

In Wisconsin

It was bigger than most

I thought you were a leader

You're only a deleter

Morticia, I told you so.

There's hairballs everywhere.

Yeah, and the same to you, fuzzface.

How could you tell?

Did it ever bother you that you were so different

from the rest of the family?

A rebellious phase?

You shaved your entire body as a teenager?

Oh. So that's what changed.

You owned who you were.

That's the problem.

I don't know who I am.

Get over here ASAP.

I went too far this time and things are getting hairy!

No offense.

Let's do this!-

It's that lawyer, Gomez.

He's found us again.

He wants what we have.

Well, he won't get her.

Good, Pugsley.

Right this way.

How about a fun family travel game?

Everyone around the table.

Ugh.

So, what shall we play?

How about Punch Buggy?

Punch...

buggy.

We need to step on it.

And we'll need a place to hide.

I have just the place, querida.

Thing, turn here.-

Look out!

You sure this is the right place, Pop?

Yes, son.

The Alamo.

You can sense that many lives were lost here.

Let us take a moment to pay our respects.

Okay. Enough respect.

Everyone in!

Look at y'all's costumes!

You guys are a little early for the Halloween pageant.

Today, we're on the hunt for our next Little Miss Jalapeno Pepper.

Hello? Wednesday!

Wednesday Addams!

Are you in there? Hello?

Well, burn my biscuits.

This here's our little tumbleweed.

And she's a-fixin' to be the Lone Star

- of this here rodeo! - What?

Well, in that case,

we better get you all gussied up, hon.

Father, this will not end well for you.

Wednesday!-

Gomez, what are you doing?

Just follow my lead.

Howdy. We're oil tycoons.

Oil tycoons? How can I... Eesh!

We're a-fixin' to find ourselves

some fancy new Texas threads.

Will this be enough to cover it?

Mm.-

Yeah! Check it out!

Now just hold still, sweetie.

Make it tighter.

Hi.

What's your talent?

I can read minds.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can.

This isn't really happening.

It is really happening.

Think of a number. Uh, number seven.

Seven.-

- Uh, purple. - Purple.

My worst nightmare.

Hippopotamus riding a bicycle.

What's your name?

- Wednesday, what's yours? - I don't wanna tell you.

Hello, Peggy.

I know.

Just give me the trophy already.

I look like Uncle Sam threw up all over me.

Very good, Pugsley. Blend in.

If you have to interact with any of the locals,

remember, they're more afraid of you than you are of them.

Oh, my word!

These are the perfect disguises.

It's like we're invisible.

We're dead, Gomez.

On my face?

In the show tonight

Really look so good?

You think I should?

If I blew a kiss?

In the show tonight

Ah. The only girls I see here are perfectly normal.

Is getting nearer

In the mirror

Ugh!-

Like I did a week ago

In the show tonight

Brava! Bravissima!-

Hear, hear! Bella!

There she is!

Hey, y'all!

That man right there is one of the top talent agents in the world!

What?-

You rang?

Quick, Lurch.

Grab Wednesday.-

Help!

Pongo!

Hello. Hi.

I'll find you, Wednesday Addams!

You have traumatized me beyond all recognition.

She looks the same to me.

Who is that man?

I know he's not a talent agent.

He's the same man who came to the house.

You're far too clever for us to pull the wool over your eyes.

That man

- is a door-to-door salesman. - Gomez.

And what is he selling?

Uh... Tupperware?

Knives? Makeup.

Uh... Uh, frozen steaks.

Life insurance for cows.

Uh, they need it.

The steak industry is, oh, brutal.

Okay.

If that's the way you want to play it.

I'm going to go give Pugsley a haircut.

I think he's taking a nap.

Exactly.

That was easy.

About the lonesome loser?

Every time

I'm not sure Wednesday believed us.

I'm sure she would have said something if she didn't.

If there's one thing we can count on Wednesday for, it's honesty.

She certainly lets me know when I'm embarrassing her

or hovering

or being uncool.-

Children are like socks in the laundry?

They need to be lost in order to be found?

That's brilliant!

Yes.

We should find a place, lie low for a while,

and this whole thing will just blow over.

Lurch, old boy, top it off.

We have places to be.

Where's Kitty? He needs a walk.

He's asleep.

He and It hit the catnip pretty hard last night.

I got a hookup on the plug

Ooh!

Uh-oh.

Yeah, I finally got off diapers,

so this is gonna happen.

Gotta go clean myself up.

Pardon me.

Gomez, have you noticed changes

in Fester's body lately?

Hmm. Puberty?

Oh!

Huh?

Ow!

Oh!

A little privacy, please.

This doesn't look so grand to me.

The sheer emptiness.

Cavernous abyss of absolutely nothing.

The vertigo.

Intoxicating.

It's just us,

the captivating beauty of the great American outdoors

and the wonderful sound of silence.

Pugsley, what do I keep saying?

Amazon Prime is not a toy.

Oh, it's for you. Huh.

Well, do you really have to leave us so soon, cousin?

Where are you headed?

I see. Top-secret gig.

Tell that Billie Eilish she's a little too sunny for my taste.

But I'm still a fan.

Why didn't I get dating advice from him?

I have something for you.

A tiny coffin.

I fear I shall have trouble getting Pugsley in here.

No.

Open it.

Your grandmother gave me this necklace on my wedding day.

It has been handed down

through generations of Addams women.

It is a part of every Addams.

Just as you are.

Are you sure this belongs to me?

Of course, Wednesday.

Who else would it belong to?

Never mind.

Thanks for the trinket, Mother.

Fire in the hole!

Madison, would you do me the honor...

Now, that's grand.

What was it you were saying about laying low, darling?

Hey!

No more personal electronic devices on this trip.

Saddle up, Addams!

You scurried fast, little weasel.

Please! Let me up!

Where's your comically large companion?

That big ape ran out on me at the Alamo.

Please! I'll tell you everything.

I'm listening.

Oh!

Mustela, have you found the girl or...

Ah.

You got the drop on him.

Mr. Strange.

Please, call me Cyrus.

Mr. Strange will suffice.

What is this all about?

It's about you, Wednesday.

My wife and I were separated from our true daughter

on the night of her birth.

I never gave up trying to find her.

I searched and searched for years,

and then, suddenly, there I was,

standing on that stage.

Looking right at you.

In that moment,

I knew that you were my long lost child.

The physical similarities.

The brilliant scientific mind.

I did some digging.

You were born at the same hospital,

the same day as the girl we've raised.

And as if meant to be,

your name, Wednesday,

is from my favorite poem.

"Wednesday's child is..."

"Full of woe."

I was named after that poem.

I live by it.

I think we owe it to ourselves

to get to the bottom of this, Wednesday.

Why don't you come to my home in Sausalito? We can...

Not so fast.

I have further research to conduct to verify your claim.

Of course.

I would expect nothing less.

By the way, what did you do with Mr. Mustela?

Oh.

I let him go.-

Tish. You minx.

Let's settle this.

It's all true.

The facts before me prove beyond a reasonable doubt

that I am not an Addams.

That means there's only one logical choice.

Don't you agree?

Wednesday, dear.

Come along, sleepyhead.

Why, it's easier to wake the dead

than to wake you, my little...

Hi, Mom.

"Dear Addams family,

As you may have noticed,

our family dynamic has been off-base lately.

I have been ruminating on

and questioning the reason for this,

but a new revelation has resolved this doubt for me.

I was the discordant note..."

"I was the discordant note

that can never resolve into harmony.

And the reason I could never truly relate to any of you

is simple.

I am not your relative.

I have no recourse but to leave for good

and make my way toward the truth.

Do not attempt to follow me."

Wait.

Wednesday's not an Addams?

I'm the only real Addams child?

That's awesome!

Too soon, Pugsley. Too soon.

What does she mean,

"making her way toward the truth"?

Is this about the hospital thing

that was totally not a big deal?

This is all my fault.-

If she had just felt closer to me,

maybe this wouldn't have happened.

Thing! I need a Bloody Mary.

Make it a double.

He's in the shower.

Don't forget to clean behind your knuckles.

Lurch, I can see you.

Obviously, I have failed in my duty

as your lurking advisor.

I really don't know how to answer that.

But what I do know is that you should go back to your family.

It's time for me to find mine.

I guess that's true.

You're not an Addams either.

How very sad that is.

Much better, Lurch.

It appears I taught you well, after all.

Like the Donner party before us,

we travel to California to fulfil our destiny

and eat what we must along the way.

Let us conquer the Golden West or die trying.

Lurch,

to Sausalito!-

Thing, to Sausalito!

If we leave now, we can catch up.

Then we'll return home, kidnap the necessary witnesses

and snuff out any remaining doubt

that Wednesday is one of us.

I love it when

your murderous maternal instincts kick in!

We're back in the parenting business!

Come along, Addams.

Let's bring Wednesday back to her family.

Ahem. Fester, your tentacles are hanging out.

I thought I felt a draft.

Just don't kick 'em.

They're very sensitive.

All of those do sound like great options,

but which one is the road to Sausalito?

It's all the same to me

Out of my way, Hightower!

Look, Lurch.

Aggressive people who use loud noises and fast rides

to distract themselves from their childhood trauma.

Just what we need.

The Ace of Spades

Hmm.

Huh?

Hey!

Ain't you the guy that almost ran my bike off the road?

And you must be Miss Lurleen?

Excuse me?

Ah. It seems I have offended two people at once.

How fortuitous.

Huh?-

That was an insult too!

I'm afraid you gentlemen have made a grave error.

Lurch, show these cretins

what your cold, dead hands are capable of.

Mm-hmm.

Live without you by my side

I should've been more specific.

But then I spent so many nights

How you did me wrong

How to get along

To find you here

Upon your face

That stupid lock

Leave your key

For just one second

Welcome anymore

To hurt me with goodbye?

I'd lay down and die?

How to love

I've got all my love to give

I will survive

All I wanted was a violent roadhouse melee

before hitching a ride to Sausalito.

Was that too much to ask?

Sausalito?

That's exactly where we're headed.

It's the annual Hug-A-Biker retreat

where we deal with our childhood trauma.

I am good.

Bring it in, little lady.

I accept your offer of a ride.

But if you don't mind,

I will respectfully decline the hug.

I've been social distancing since birth.

How to love

All my life to live

And I'll survive

I know how to love...

Sayonara, little lady.

Whoo-hoo!

It's all Jekyll, no Hyde.

I feel something, Lurch.

As though anticipation and unease

birthed some kind of winged larvae in my stomach.

Butterflies? Hmm.

Perhaps my digestive acids will kill them.

Wednesday! You're here!

Welcome home.

Oh. I see you brought a plus-one.

Fine. Perfectly fine.

Right this way.

Wednesday, meet my wife.

Uh, Ingrid has a touch of laryngitis

and finds it difficult to talk at the moment.

Hello.

And this is Ophelia.

Or as we call her, our little Oaf.

The other...

me.

Oh.

Uh, Ingrid, my dear,

why don't you rest for a while

and I'll show our little Wednesday around.

Let's go see the laboratory.

Don't look at them.

Right this way.

Welcome to the future, Wednesday.

What do you think?

Pretty boss, huh?

You've got a lot of projects in the works.

Ready, Wednesday?

When I did this DNA test with Ophelia

and it informed me that she wasn't my daughter,

I was unsurprised.

Perhaps you can relate to me on that.

You see what I did there?

I did,

though I generally find puns to be a lower form of humor.

Hmm.

My real passion has always been...

human behavior.

What an incredible coincidence.

Exactly my thought when I saw your winning experiment.

Although, if you think about it,

not so coincidental.

Like father, like daughter. Am I right?

We will find out shortly.

And when we receive the inevitable confirmation,

I hope you'll reconsider what you told me at the fair.

About how your formula

was a family secret.-

DNA sequencing complete.

DNA match.

Well, it's all settled.

Done and...

Great.

It's my fa... Uh...

The Addams family.

Well, let's go greet them.

You guys go ahead, I...

I'm gonna be going in, uh...

I may be some time.

You

rang?

- Lurch. - We're here to rescue Wednesday.

Rescue me from what?

You!

Cyrus Strange. Pleased to meet you.

You're the man from the science fair.

The ghostly apparition.

Huh.

I see you've been reanimated.

And now, you've absconded with our daughter

and put her in this... In...

Wednesday, what are you wearing?

It's called a turtleneck.

Deceptive name, I know,

but it is both fashionable and functional, M...

Um, Morticia.

Mr. and Mrs. Addams,

it appears that you are not Wednesday's parents.

I am.

Enough, you knave!

Mr. Addams, before you do anything rash,

you might want to see this.

The results conclusively prove

that I am not your daughter.

Where once I was Addams,

now I am Strange.

Zip it, Pugsley.

This can't be true.

I know this must be quite a shock for you,

Mr. and Mrs. Addams.

Believe me,

we went through the same thing with Ophelia.

Wow!

Wednesday, we're still your family.

And that's why I'd like to honor

your contributions to my life

with a proper and respectful goodbye.

Uh, Addams family, I...

I want to say...

It appears I'm not quite ready to part with them.

Forgive me, Father.

I do forgive you.

Oh, no.

I meant Cyrus.

Come on, Wednesday. You don't mean this.

Let's just go home.

We can talk about this in the camper.

I'm sorry, Mr. Addams.

I can't leave with you.

But maybe we can offer you

and Mrs. Addams shelter for the night?

Then tomorrow we can say goodbye.

Of course, daughter.

My man will show you to the guest quarters.

Of our house

Something isn't right.

Of course it's not.

I've loved Wednesday her whole life.

I can't just stop because a piece of paper says...

Says...

Wow. They really did a lot in six hours.

Oh, Tish.

We've lost our little girl.

Like happy people

Hey! Wha...

I thought my bedroom was a mess.

This is awesome!

Hey, uh, are you hungry?

I'm always hungry.

Check it out.

When my dad's not around,

I don't use forks or spoons

or anything.

Me either!

It's a lot easier to just use your face!

Where have you been all my life?

The farm.

Wait, what did you say?

Cyrus Strange is lying. I'm sure of it.

But how do we prove it to Wednesday that...

Oh, querida.

It's no use.

Wednesday has gone.

And now, we must do our duty.

We shall raise the pig girl and...

Pull yourself together, Gomez.

You're an Addams.

Just as Wednesday is.

Whether it's in her blood or not.

Mom. Pop.

You have to see this!

What happened to these people?

That's just it!

I... I don't think they are people.

Your idiot boy is right.

They're animals I imbued with human traits.

Pretty neat, huh?

They always revert back to their original form, though.

So that's why you wanted Wednesday.

Her experiment did what you couldn't.

Men. Just can't come out and ask a woman for help, can you?

You faked that DNA test.

Blah, blah, blah, blah!

Oh, pipe down, Elvira!

That's it! Prepare to meet Old Deuteronomy!

Mazurka!

Oh, where are my manners?

I forgot to thank you for the tip!

I'm good! I'm so good!

So sorry about that.

Where were we?

I have a surprise for you, Father.

Yes. Yes! Of course!

But... But could it work?

You did it!

I knew funding those science fairs would pay off.

What was that?

Uh... Nothing.

I have a surprise for you as well, Wednesday.

They can be our first test subjects.

What have you done?

I've got all manner

of diabolical DNA in these test tubes.

You can isolate the Addams' annoying habits

and we'll replace them with ones you want.

But why?

I saw you trying to delay their departure.

This way, you can keep them around.

I need my little protege to be happy

and focused on her work.

This is important stuff we are doing, Wednesday.

World-changing!

"World-changing"?

If you could control people,

Imbue them with the strength and ferocity of any animal on earth?

Imagine who would pay for that!

The military, foreign governments,

call centers.

They'd all want unstoppable hybrid murder machines

programmed down to the cellular level!

Imagine how rich and famous we'll become!

All thanks to your experiment!

But I only meant to show

how my Uncle Fester's intellect could be improved.

And now you get to improve the rest of your ex-family.

But they don't need improving.

They're fine as they are.

Except for maybe Pugsley.

But I'm the one who was looking for change,

not them.

But this way, you'll never have to feel different

from anyone in your family ever again, little boo-boo.

Here you are, Wednesday.

You do the honors.

I won't!

Even though you are biologically my father,

these people are still my family.

The Addams family.

Fine. If you can't pull the trigger, I'll do it!

I'm disappointed in you, Wednesday.

But it appears you're just a silly little girl playing with science.

Turn off the machine, Mr. Strange.

I won't ask you again.

Aw!

Is little lady threatening me?

That depends.

Do you have a piano nearby?

Why would I have a piano in a laboratory?

In that case, Lurch...

show this cretin what your cold,

dead hands are capable of.-

You think you're the only one

with a brainless Neanderthal bodyguard?

Kill, Pongo. Kill!

Oh, this is gonna be rich!

What?

Eh! No! Pongo, you imbecile!

I command you, you protect me.

You're wasting your breath.

You see, Pongo and Lurch are former cellmates

at the asylum where Lurch was held captive

before my parents found him.

Back in Texas,

Pongo told Lurch that he suspected I was in danger.

- I didn't believe it then. - Pongo, Pongo.

Bad boy, Pongo. Bad boy.

I was wrong.

No! No!

That's gonna leave a mark.

Stop! I had a big breakfast.

Don't make me puke up my pancakes!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Mother, Father, are you all right?

Yes, yes.

Fortunately, we escaped with no fatal wounds.

Even Pugsley?

Even Pugsley.

Oh, well. Maybe next time.

Wait, what?

How very...

touching.

My real daughter would know that sentimentality...

is the antithesis of science.

That's right.-

I lied about the DNA...

re... re...-

results.

I really should thank you, Wednesday.

You've uncaged me.

But your foul play is no longer amusing to me.

So, I think I'll exterminate you.

And your entire...

family!

Get ready to cry uncle!

Ahh!

Incoming!

Ophelia!

Oh, yeah!

That's it! You got him!

No!

Get him, Fester!

Ink him! Ink him, baby!

Everybody, run!

Madison, would you do me the honor...

Yes, I'll marry you.

Uncle Fester.

He's dying.

And it's all my fault.

Oh, Wednesday.

Mother, when you said this necklace

was a part of every Addams,

what did you mean?

It contains a drop of blood from every Addams born into the family.

Your father, Pugsley, you...

And Uncle Fester.

Your little Addams DNA cocktail here

might just save the day.

Lurch!

Bottoms up, Uncle Fester.

Whoa!

Did I win?

Yes.

Yes, you did, Uncle Fester.-

Oh, and, Pugsley,

it looks like Ophelia is feeling better too.

Mother, Father, I'm sorry.

I didn't want to be an Addams.

I struggled with feeling different.

But now, I realize that being different

is the most Addams-y thing there is.

"Different" is what the extra "D"

in "Addams" stands for.

I always thought it stood for "dismemberment."

Can you forgive me?

Wednesday,

you are and always will be our little ghoul.

We love you.

Thank you, Mother.

The feeling is mutual.

And, Father...

Yes, my little raven?

I have something for you.

Come on, Addams family. Let's go home.

Gruesome.

Mmm! And fragrant.

Yeah! Awesome!

Now, look, look, look.

All I did was invite a few people over

and things got a little bit out of hand.

Yes, there were a few injuries, but the EMT is here.

They're having a wonderful time.

What a lovely homecoming present.

I thought you'd never get here.

Let's light it up, hairball!

I brought it back

Is where the party at

These people out they seat

To clap your hands

And have a good time

In the back

The party started

Gloves and mitt, club is lit

One of a kind

To the wild, wild West Coast

Feeling like a villain

And he's a playa, playa

In the house

In case you didn't know

We love you, It!

I still don't understand a word that guy says.

Yeah!

Didn't I tell you this trip would bring the family closer together?

You're a wonderful father, darling.

There's one thing that's still troubling me.

Cyrus lied about being my father,

but when I tested your hair at the Grand Canyon,

it said conclusively that you were not my father either.

Ah, that explains it.

I suffered a little accident

with a napalm experiment a few years back

and lost my beautiful, beautiful hair.

Had it replaced with real Sasquatch fur.

I assure you, Wednesday,

I am your father.

Now and always.

I already hugged you once, Father.

That's quite enough affection for a lifetime.

Well, Addams,

time to start planning the next family vacation.

Maybe a trip around the world? What do you say?

In that creepy, crawly

But it's looking like a body

Crazy but I'm confident

To any name they hit me with

I think I'm all that

They don't know how To pronounce that

'Cause I bounce back

My clique like a mousepad

All down your street

I'm sayin' they're with me

Cha cha cha

'Cause nobody can handle me

They never seen

I'm in love with myself

That they can't touch me

All down your street

Cha cha cha

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Cha cha cha

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

'Cause we know

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah