Original subtitles

Choke her to death then.

What, like, with a pillow?

Yeah.

Like when she's asleep?

Or drown her in the bath.

Okay, go on then.

You're 30p short.

Well you're gonna have to put something back.

It's only 30p.

Yeah and it's only 'cause our mum's disabled.

Yeah, we're young carers.

But nobody cares about us.

CHECKOUT WOMAN: In your own time.

Pick that up.

Piss off, munter.

You can call us what you like

but I'm not checking your food through

until you pick that up.

Oh, get lost, you fat old twat .

How's your mum this week?

Not great ta.

Well, she's not going to be, is she?

Fucking hate that woman.

Fucking hate not knowing anyone.

And fucking hate the ones I do know.

You've got me.

Yeah, but you're my fucking brother

Well, go out more then.

Yeah, like with who?

Also who wants to go anywhere round here?

Anyway I haven't got any clothes, have I?

Then buy some.

Yeah, like I can afford that.

Well, I cannot either.

Yeah, but you don't mind looking like shit .

Well, fuck off.

Who you telling to fuck off, fuck-arse-face ?

You, arse-fuck-face .

I'm not an arse-fuck-face, you fuck-arse-face.

You fucking are though.

That hurts, that actually hurts, get off.

Right. Oh, you're dead, you're actually dead.

Come here.

WOMAN: You started what?

KRISTEN: It.

WOMAN: And what's it when it's in bed?

KRISTEN: I don't fucking know, do I?

You started it.

MAUREEN: Don't swear.

KRISTEN: Well, don't piss yourself then.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Started what anyway?

Little buggers.

Bollocks , mum. Keep--keep hold will you?

Else you'll fall and smash your skull, okay.

And you'll be sorry.

( knocking on door )

Well, don't look at me.

Evening.

Hiya.

You inquired about a loan.

You filled in a form.

You wanted a visit from our representative.

That was my sister.

Is she in then?

So, Kristen Tailor, no middle initial.

Age 17. Occupation, carer.

Loan amount £500.

APR, subject to credit scoring.

Purpose of loan, home improvements.

So there you have it.

Don't make your mind up on the spot.

A loan's a serious commitment.

If you've got second thoughts, have them now, not later.

But you're not going to have second thoughts, are you?

No chance.

So I'll put it up to head office for approval,

you're happy with that?

Coolio.

And we'll get back to you next week.

Yeah, good one.

MAUREEN: Hello.

Evening.

Next week then.

Eh, what day?

I'll let you know.

Take care.

Yeah, and you.

KRISTEN: Yeah, cheers, Liam.

MAUREEN: Beep Beep.

OWEN: How much is your wingback there?

SALESMAN: £10

MAUREEN: You can't have it.

OWEN: Oh, come on. KRISTEN: Where you gonna put that?

MAUREEN: No, no, no.

You be careful.

Hi again.

Yeah, hiya.

Cold, yeah?

A bit, yeah.

Not much if you've been swinging mind.

Sorry?

Keeps you warm, don't it? Swinging?

Yeah, it does actually.

Is that why you were doing it?

Nah, not really.

So did you hear about the loan?

Yeah, I told you, next week.

That's your mum, right?

Yeah.

What's up with her?

How come she's in a wheelchair?

Loads. Everything.

She have an accident?

Nah, she's just fucked .

So it's just you and your brother?

We're twins.

You don't look alike.

Perhaps I'm lying then.

See you next week.

Yeah, see you.

Hey, mate. How's it going?

Not bad ta. And you?

Yeah, I'm always good.

On your own?

Kris and mum are waiting for the doctor.

She all right, your mum?

No, not really.

Sorry, mate.

She's always got something new.

It's how we get our excitement.

How's Kristen?

She's not bad, ta.

She going out with anyone?

Don't think so. Why?

Well, just general interest.

Tell you what, mate, do you fancy a beer sometime?

What, like you, Kris and me?

Yeah, or just me and you.

You know, a lads night out.

Do you play pool?

A bit, yeah.

Any good?

I'm not bad.

Right, how about tonight?

What's that pub like round the back, the Metropolitan?

Never been in.

Me neither.

Fancy giving it a try?

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Why not. Yeah.

All right, laters.

KRISTEN: Just wear anything. You're only going to a pub.

So how many pubs have you been in lately?

KRISTEN: Everybody goes into pubs.

We don't.

Look, he wanted to ask you.

He only asked me 'cause he thought

you were looking after mum.

I couldn't say no, could I?

I'll ask him back here after, how's that?

If you want. I don't care.

Right, what you having?

Bitter, lager, Guinness, cider?

Cider.

Can I get a Guinness and a cider, mate.

Yeah, learn from the master.

* The devil in me keeps a record of his misery *

* I keep you close with a memory *

* Judging by your reaction

* I'll be taking to no further action *

* It's then I know that I know when I need you *

* Then I know that I know when I need you *

* I know that I know when I need you *

What the fuck ?

Oh, fuck , sorry, I'm sorry.

Listen, he's inexperienced, that's all.

Here, get yourself a round in.

Chill out, mate, yeah.

* The casual stance of the size is reluctance *

* Ritual needs like a cosy occasion *

* The devil in me made a pact with naievity *

* I keep you close with a memory *

Fancy going into town?

Uh, yeah if you want.

Or you could come back to ours and then see our Kris?

I fancy town first to be honest.

Just need to check my emails.

You coming in?

Come on, you might as well.

Nice, innit?

Yeah.

Go on, mate, get yourself a drink,

in the fridge.

We'll have vodka.

Here, shot glasses in that cupboard there,

middle shelf.

Nice one.

Cheers.

Can I ask you something, mate?

Yeah, of course.

Are you gay? Here.

Cheers.

No.

It's nought to be ashamed of.

Why, are you?

Me? Nah, nah.

How about you?

I just told you.

So long as you're happy, mate, that's what matters.

I wouldn't judge anyone that was.

Nor me.

It's the 21st century for fuck's sake.

Yeah, yeah, it wouldn't be my choice mind.

Nah.

So what did you fancy in town?

Club? Pub? Bar? Restaurant?

What?

I tell you what, fancy a laugh?

Okay, why not?

Yeah?

You want a laugh? You fancy a laugh?

You mean it?

Yeah, go on then.

Go on then, hold that, here you are.

Follow me.

Yeah.

Here, give us that.

You sit down there.

Right, stay there.

Eh? Eh?

Right, just leave that there.

Number 2.

Eh?

Right.

Go on then,

have a try, it'll be a laugh.

Sorry, how do you mean?

Try 'em on.

Eh, no.

Go on, it'll be a laugh.

You said you wanted a laugh, didn't you?

Uh, yeah, but--

Yeah, and you said you wouldn't judge anyone

and here you are judging yourself

and you haven't even tried.

Have you ever worn Kristen's clothes?

Couple of times when I was a kid,

and she wore mine.

But that's not like--

There you go.

It's just harmless fun.

Go on, get that down, you.

Go on, right.

All designer labels, top brands and that.

Look, eh, designer.

But I don't know, if you--

if it's a problem we'll just leave it, shall we?

Shall we just leave it?

Shall we?

Just for a laugh, yeah?

Yeah, that's it, mate.

It's just a laugh.

Ah, there you go.

Does it look good?

It's a thing of beauty, mate.

Right.

Bit more.

We'll have a bit more?

Do you want some of this?

Yeah.

Right, lipstick, here we go.

Which one? Which color?

Yeah, yeah. Was it that one?

It was that one, weren't it?

I've got two choices.

I bought two especially.

I've got this one,

which personally I think this is the best.

But you got this one as well,

which is like a bit glittery.

That one I am interested in.

That one-- Oh, get your balance.

You'll have to get used to walking in those, right.

Right, here, here, the moment of truth.

You ready?

Go on, have a look.

What do you think?

All right. All right.

Right, then, town, yeah?

No, no way.

* If you wanna love me, baby *

* Come see me

* If you wanna hug, baby

* Come see me

* When you need someone *

* See you right

* Any need of someone

* Make it feel right

* Baby, I'm your man

* Baby, I'm your man *

* Baby, I'm your man

* Baby, I'm your man *

* I'm greedier than the seventh son *

* I got a man such as everyone *

* I'm your man, baby

* I'm your man

( men wolf whistling )

Love it.

Never had you down for a slapper.

You hungry, babe?

A bit. They are looking at me.

Here you are, babe.

Your quality, too good for a kebab.

I'm not getting out, Liam, no way.

Oh, you bastard.

Come on.

WAITER: May I take your coat?

Yes, certainly.

Thank you very much.

Here we go.

Thank you.

Cheers.

May I get you something to drink?

Yes, we'll have champagne please, thank you.

Yes, no problem.

Thank you.

Would you like to order?

We'll order later, thanks.

Certainly, thank you.

Know what, babe?

You are the most beautiful woman in this restaurant.

I am proud to be sat with you.

Cheers.

Was that a laugh or what?

Ah, so what do you fancy?

Tea? Coffee?

Vodka? Lager?

Coke? Spliff?

I ought to get back actually.

Go on then.

You better get changed first.

Yeah.

Eh.

I have wanted this as long as I can remember.

But it could never be real until I met you.

Fuck knows why, it's just one of those things.

But we both knew, eh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Go on then, get changed.

Cheers then.

Yeah, see you.

Hiya.

Oh, right.

Sorry.

He wanted to come back but he's got an early start.

Doesn't matter.

So did you pull loads of birds?

No.

You've pulled one though. You stink of perfume.

Bet she was a right munter .

Did Liam pull and all?

No, not really.

You stink of booze and weed.

How pissed are ya?

So, what was he like outside of work?

What kind of clothes did he wear?

Just clothes, I can't remember.

Where did you go after the Metropolitan?

Places, I can't remember.

Bollocks, you can't!

Fucking room's spinning round.

I'm back in a bit, yeah.

Where are you going?

Out, I'm back in a bit, okay.

But we're going to the park, aren't we?

Yeah, I'll catch you up.

Uh, Owen...

Laters.

No second thoughts then.

Yeah.

But you still came.

Yeah.

Got a problem with that?

Not in the fucking least.

Right, where to? You name it.

Out.

Don't mind.

Same deal as last night. You cool with that?

Yeah, fuck it.

Mind if I join you?

I'm waiting for my boyfriend.

No harm done, eh?

I think I just pulled.

Well, you're bound to, a babe like you.

I said you were my boyfriend.

Well, I am, didn't you know?

Right, where to?

Helter skelter, big dipper, merry-go-round--

I need the toilet actually.

Go for it.

Yeah, right, and get arrested.

Well, you can't use the gents, can you?

Go on, just don't forget to sit down.

Right, mate. Hello.

( man groans )

Liam, I'm a bit sick of this to be honest.

Fuck, are you? You're loving it.

Hey, look,

let's immortalize the moment.

Come on.

Come on...

Thank you.

Lovely, that's lovely.

Very smart, indeed, and the lady.

The lady, oh, it's--

And the button looks a little bit tight there,

a little bit, and the skirt.

That's just lovely.

You don't mind me saying so, sir?

Your face would frighten a fly off a fresh turd.

( photographer laughing )

Hands off, you deviant old fucker.

I'm awfukly sorry, just--

Just take the fucking picture.

Could I have your names please?

Liam and Kristen.

Liam and Kristen. Is that a K sir?

K-R-I-S-T-E-N.

That's it. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Sorry about that, babe.

Spur of the moment. You know how it is.

Look, Liam, you're weirding me.

Can we go home please?

( imitating chicken )

Yes, actually.

All right, princess. Anything you say.

( beeping )

KRISTEN: Mum's been a pain in the arse all day.

OWEN: She's a pain in the arse every day.

Yeah, well, she was a worse fucking pain

in the fucking arse today.

You should have been here.

I'm sorry.

You better be.

I am.

Okay, I believe you.

Maybe.

Won't happen again anyhow.

I've had enough of the bird, she's mental.

Did you shag her?

No.

Did you snog her?

A bit, yeah.

Is she a good snogger or a bad snogger?

Not bad.

Too much fucking trouble, birds.

( knocking on door )

Hiya.

Got some news about the loan.

You're approved.

Great, cheers.

Don't thank me. Credit scoring's a science.

Do you wanna come in?

You're asking?

Only don't tell my mum about the loan,

she doesn't know about it and I don't want to worry her.

Whatever you say.

Who fancies a chocolate?

Owen, Owen, pass the chocolates.

I don't eat chocolates. I keep fit.

But I can make an exception.

What's best?

MAUREEN: Depends on what you fancy, doesn't it?

Hmm, yeah, yeah.

Sucker for a bit of packaging, me.

( Maureen giggles )

Very nice.

See what I'm missing.

So you busy then, Liam?

I can't complain to you.

What is it exactly you do?

Financial services.

Oh, I bet that is dead interesting.

Yes, it is. It's fascinating, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I'd love to stay, only I better get off.

Right, nice to meet you.

See ya.

Sorry about mum by the way.

Come back later if you want.

The loan's shit by the way.

You don't want it. We'd be fucking you over.

Trust me.

Here.

It's not a loan, it's a gift.

All the best. Have a nice life.

Quite a charming young man.

Yeah, well, that's the last

you're going to be seeing of him.

Kris? What's this about?

Is that what he said, he's not coming back?

Sounded like it to me.

Ground rules.

If you want to fuck me around, fuck off.

I don't know what I want. I just want to talk to you.

What it comes down to is passion.

Love. No ifs, no buts.

Don't be scared of yourself.

God, you're doing my nut.

Unconditional love.

That's what I'm putting on the table here

or fuck off and we never see each other again.

Indecision's for losers.

I'm offering you the whole of me.

I'm asking for the same in return.

Hey...

We're gonna fucking live, us two.

Okay.

Louder.

Yes.

What are you doing?

I don't snog boys.

I'm not deviant. Get changed first.

( knocking on door )

What are you doing?

( continues knocking )

Liam?

You gonna be all day in there or what?

Women, I don't know.

What?

Wig.

Okay.

Fuck, I love you.

Fuck I do.

Don't ever do that to me again.

Okay?

Come on, babe, I got something to show you.

Yeah. Oh, man.

( snickering )

Don't trip.

Right, you ready? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Eh?

So how is it?

Me and you.

You and me.

Great or what?

Can I think about that?

We had this game at school.

We'd find a soft kid and we'd go, "Oi, man.

Man, you a virgin?'

And he'd go, "No, no, I'm not a virgin."

And we'd go, "Ah, that's disgusting."

Where would you locate your own experience on that scale?

Yeah, I am.

We will never do anything that you're not 110% cool with.

I'd fucking die for you.

Mum?

Mum?

Mum?

Mum?

Mum! Mum! Mum!

Oh, don't die on me, you stupid old cow.

Mama!

( gasping )

And if you ever feel unloved or frightened,

just remember there's somebody who loves you.

Kris, it's me, you picking up or what?

Okay, so listen, I'm stopping at a mate's.

Look, we got wrecked to be honest.

I'll see you in the morning, yeah?

If I don't do 200 every night,

I haven't achieved in the day.

It's all about ground rules.

Achieve something every day of your fucking life,

and fuck me, we achieved tonight... Eh?

How was your sense of achievement, babe?

Yeah, pretty good, ta.

Hello?

Mum?

Don't worry, she's only had another heart attack.

Shit, is she okay?

'Course she fucking isn't.

I thought she was going to die, she went blue.

So where were you?

At a mate's, I left a message.

Yeah, we were just getting her in the ambulance

when you called.

Anyway, what mate?

You haven't got any mates.

Except Liam I suppose.

Nah, it wasn't him.

Look, Kris, I'm sorry, okay?

Yeah, you're always sorry.

But it's just words, isn't it?

Why you wearing mascara?

The bird's a goth. She got me to try it.

Mum's shit scared.

She was crying when they brought her round.

She's never been this bad.

Did she go bluer than last time?

Oh, fuck off, Owen.

I needed you and so did mum.

I'm sorry.

No, it's not good enough.

You have a turn and see how you feel.

Hey, mate.

How long you been here?

A couple hours.

Just watching you.

Bet you're sick of hospital food.

Eat it tomorrow if you're not hungry.

And go back to sleep, you look fucked .

You know what?

You want to get your extensions done.

Just till your own hair grows.

You could get your lashes done at the same time.

Liam, I can't.

There's no such word.

It don't exist.

Let me ask you a question.

What do you think life is?

I don't know.

No, go on, I want to know.

What do you believe in,

what do you reckon we're here for?

Well, lots of things.

Yeah?

How about love?

Yeah.

How about risk? How about achievement?

Okay.

You're not very passionate, eh, babe?

Yes, actually.

Go on then, what would you do for love?

I want you to move in.

Liam, I can't.

Can't, won't, motherfucking negativity bollocks!

Okay.

People aren't brought up positive.

That's why the world's full of losers.

You've got to learn it, you've got to train yourself.

Well, look at me.

Look at me.

Look at this place.

Look at my car.

Look at my suits.

Living the dream, our dream.

Move in, babe.

( car lock beeping )

( car lock beeping )

Hiya.

Liam, hiya.

What are you doing?

This is what I bought with the money you gave me,

what do you reckon?

Like it or what?

Uh, Liam?

Liam?

( car lock beeping )

Liam, you fucking blind or what!

You all right, love?

Oh, fuck off .

Charming.

Oh love.

I'll be fine.

I'm not crying about you.

Cheers, you little bastard .

I think I made a big mistake.

About?

It doesn't matter.

No, obviously.

If I knew that I would end up like this,

I'd have done plenty more loving first.

I avoided life,

I didn't take the risks I should've done.

Now look, huh, hmm?

I've got to let you two go.

That's all I've thought about

since I realized I wasn't gonna peg it.

Bollocks, you stupid old cow.

That's good, oh, yeah, stick 'em up.

Put 'em up, put 'em up.

I love you.

Yeah, I love you too.

What?

I was just worried about you.

The way you were last night.

Yeah, well, I'm good.

As you see. Cheers then.

It was like you didn't even see me.

Obviously, I didn't then.

Anyway, how did you know where I live?

'Cause, like, you told me.

No, I fucking didn't.

Okay, I'll-- I'll see you around.

I'm really sorry but I really need the toilet, do you mind?

Cheers, Liam, you're a mate.

Give us my shirt.

Fucking tart.

Who's that in the picture with you?

Just an old girlfriend.

Called Kristen?

Yeah, small world.

So you've had your piss.

That's good. Now fuck off please.

It looks like Owen.

No, it doesn't.

I think I know how my twin brother looks--

You have no fucking idea about Kristen,

you've never met her and you never will.

Do I make myself clear?

So you didn't need a piss at all, did you?

Get the fuck out.

I had to do something to protect you.

You don't talk to my sister like that.

Her behavior was inappropriate.

( groaning )

I love you so fucking much.

Besides...

You reckon you could face Kristen now?

No chance.

You're gonna have to move in now, aren't you?

Some things are just meant to be

and this is one of them.

It's my fault she had the address.

I wrote it down.

You know what that means, don't you?

You wanted to get caught.

You wanted fate to make the decision for you.

That's "kismet."

I believe in that shit .

What do you want?

That is so sick, calling yourself Kristen.

No, I didn't, Liam did.

Yeah, I really believe that.

So you want to be a girl.

No.

Could've fooled me.

But you are gay.

No.

Oh, fuck.

Look, I don't know, I feel shit

about everything right now.

Yeah, good one, Owen.

Sorry, Kristen.

So, you saw I fancied Liam,

I'd actually met someone that didn't have two heads

who was interested in me,

despite not being gay and not wanting to be a girl,

you just happened to turn yourself into me and shag him!

Mum's doing fine by the way.

She can probably come home soon.

I hate myself, mate.

All right? Look, I've got anger issues.

All right, I admit it.

There's reasons.

Look, I love you.

I fucking love you.

I really, really love you.

My school.

See.

Know what it taught me?

Nothing.

Except it's every bastard for himself.

I tell you what, seeing as we're here,

strictly spur of the moment,

fancy meeting my mum and dad?

Oh, I'm not sure about that.

It's only round the corner,

I'll show you.

Another time, yeah?

My street.

Little park.

That's my house coming up at the bottom.

That's my mum.

That's my dad.

You can't let them down now,

they've cooked dinner and everything.

I've told them all about you.

Hey, nothing like roast dinner.

I've always worried Liam might not find anyone.

I know this is a mother talking but he's handsome,

he wears lovely clothes,

he does well at his job,

but he's always been one on his own.

You're a boy, aren't you, love?

Yeah, I am.

Just care for him as much as he cares for you.

That's all I'm asking.

Don't hurt him.

They loved you.

No, they thought I was a bloke.

Bollocks.

Marry me.

What?

Go on, it'll be a laugh.

No.

Fine.

Let's go to the seaside then.

Look, you're overreacting, babe, all right?

My dad said, you were attractive.

You telling me, he's gay?

They'll come round when the wedding invites go out.

They'll be losing a son but gaining a daughter.

Fuck.

My dad's a right arsehole by the way.

He beat the shit out of any fucker

that wasn't a better man than he was.

And now he eats roast lamb and grows cunting vegetables!

He's 60 years old and he understands nothing.

I despise the twat.

I'm glad my mum liked you though, eh?

So, where do you fancy?

Whitley Bay?

South Shields?

Seaburn? Saltburn? Redcar?

You've got the world at your feet here.

I need to see how mum is.

She's all right, your mum, you know.

She knows her chocolates, I'll say that for her.

She's had a fucking heart attack, Liam.

No, they can do wonders nowadays.

To be fair, the chocs weren't exactly helping were they, eh?

Right, where do you fancy?

Eh?

Instruct me! Look, we're not going anywhere.

I'm not gonna marry you and I'm sick of being Kristen,

and he's not real.

And I think you need some help.

What, like therapy?

Why, because I love you?

Right.

Tell you what, babe.

I'm not the one with the fucking problem here.

Kris, it's me, listen--

KRISTEN: ( on cell phone ) Fuck off. You don't exist.

You still want to get out?

Go on, be my guest.

Take your clothes off.

Everything, you fucking freak .

Liam, I'm sorry, I don't wanna hurt you,

I just can't-- Tell me you're a freak.

Tell me you're a freak.

Tell me you're a freak.

I'm a freak.

You disgust me.

You don't know what the fuck you are, do you?

Yes, actually.

Well, I really don't think that's true

'cause, how come you told my mum that you were a boy?

Now that really is fucking sick.

Anyone can see that you're not.

Take your fucking clothes off!

Take 'em off!

Ever heard of the Ben Franklin balance sheet?

It works like this.

You take a piece of paper.

You make two columns on one side,

write down all the reasons for doing a thing

and on the other side, write down

all the reasons for not, simple as.

In the bag on my left, Kristen,

in the bag on my right, Owen.

I forgot the paper, but fuck that.

In the left hand column, unconditional love,

money, the ride of your life.

In the right hand column, you fucking tell me.

Redcar it is then.

Well, I'm sorry, we're full up.

There's only the bridal suite free.

Bulls eye.

As it happens we've just got married.

Uh--

Yeah, in fact we're on our honeymoon.

Well, in that case, welcome to the Belgica.

I'm Hutch, mine host.

Joyce'll be down directly.

You're lucky.

We only got the cancellation this morning.

And congratulations to you both.

Eh, that's what they call timing.

Yes.

Right, this way please.

Here we are.

Shazzam!

Grand, eh?

Oh, and here's Joyce.

Hello, now I hope it's comfy for you.

I've put a few Mills and Boons by the bed.

I always do when we've got a lady staying.

Be happy.

All right.

Kismet, babe.

Is someone trying to tell us something or what?

( knocking on door )

HUTCH: Only me.

Tada.

LIAM: Thanks, mate.

And anything else you want, we're only too glad to oblige.

Cheers, Hutch.

Catch.

All right, let's neck this cheap shit .

Oh, piss .

Spoil me.

I wish.

Fuck, pink.

You hungry, babe?

Wouldn't mind.

I wouldn't mind either.

Hiya.

I want the best pizzas in Redcar, please.

Yeah, put me through mate.

Cheers.

Getting put through.

Hello, hello.

Hiya, I want two fuck off deep pan,

two deep pan pepperonis and a load of garlic bread,

delivered to the Belgica Hotel.

It's the bridal suite though.

You got to make sure you ask for the bridal suite.

Bye. Bye-bye.

On it's way, two pizzas.

Head rush.

So...

the wedding.

You look at it like this, who's gonna find out?

How many weddings have you been to

where they lift up the bride's dress

to check if she's got a nob?

None.

All you've got to do is sign Kristen's name

and then when she goes to get married

she'll get done for bigamy.

Well, I thought that were funny.

How many kids do you want?

I reckon three.

Two boys and a girl.

You'll want a girl for company.

We'll have to adopt, of course,

and then when they're old enough we'll tell them

you've got something wrong with your giblets.

Oh, come on, babe, it's only a laugh.

We're only having a laugh, don't take it so seriously.

Don't take it so seriously.

Have to book a church though.

What hymns do you want?

It's the bride's day after all, innit?

Liam, I'm not marrying you.

Like you said, it's only a laugh.

Ho, fucking ho ho ho.

It's not a fucking laugh for me!

It's not a fucking laugh for me!

Ho Ho.

Liam! Liam!

Put that back on. Put that back on.

Stop it. Stop it!

Shut up! Shut up!

This is not about you, Kristen.

My darling Kristen, it's not about you, okay?

You are 110% perfect.

Whereas Owen has been fucking your head for years.

Has been fucking your head for years.

Has been fucking your head for years.

And I'm gonna get rid of him.

Shut up, shut up.

I'm gonna get rid of him.

I'm gonna cure you of the sickness.

I'm gonna rid you of the fucker.

I'm gonna fucking kill him.

You forgot your fucking wig.

Oh, come back.

It's our honeymoon.

( knocking on door )

Here you are.

You could always have asked for a sandwich earlier or a salad.

Joyce would've made you a salad.

Yeah I know, that's what I said.

Only she wouldn't take no for an answer.

You know what these women are like,

never satisfied eh?

Mmm.

Pizza.

You needn't have done that.

He's nice.

And do you fancy him?

Of course I don't.

I despise him.

I despise all shite people.

( knocking on door )

Don't you want your pizza then?

Please don't, just give me some pizza, okay?

Look.

I forgot the drinks.

Sorry, babe.

Forgive me.

So what d'you fancy?

Coke?

Diet Coke?

Carbonated mineral water still mineral water, 7 Up,

Tango, Irn Bru, Sprite, Dr. Pepper.

Dandelion and burdock? Liam, stop it, please.

Stop what?

I'm offering you a fucking drink.

Obviously my mistake.

Red wine?

White wine,

Malibu,

Pink Lady?

Vodka and lime?

Vodka on the rocks?

Gin and tonic? Bacardi Breezer?

Just shut the fuck up, all right?

Shit yourself at the contents of a fucking off-licence?

You forgot your garlic bread.

Your garlic bread.

It's yours.

You omitted to take the fucker.

Morning.

Hello. How can I help you?

We're getting married this afternoon.

We'd like a wedding dress please.

No, we wouldn't.

Size 12. Expense no object.

As frilly as possible.

Isn't she the finest looking woman

you've ever set eyes on?

Sorry about this.

Well come then let's get a moving,

we haven't got all day, she is up the duff you know.

Look at this one.

Look at that, eh?

Let's have a look.

Look at that, eh?

You know what, I'm not in Redcar,

I'm in heaven.

That one's £995.

Oh fucking hell babe, just put it on yeah?

Just let me see it on you once yeah?

Please.

All right...

well, yeah...

so, you off then?

Go on then,

go and get yourself off.

I've got stuff to do. I've got stuff to do.

So you getting the train?

I'll give you a lift.

So we'll leave it.

We're gonna leave it today, but we'll get back to you.

I wish you could have just tried it on once.

Sorry about this.

No your all right, you get off love.

Do you know what I reckon?

I reckon it was too much too soon.

What d'you reckon?

Look, can you get him a cup of tea or something?

Love ya, love you, love you.

( door opens )

JOYCE: Let us in, lovie.

HUTCH: We're worried about you.

Sorry about this.

Oh, it's all right, pet.

You're all right.

Whatever it is you're all right with Hutch and Joyce.

There's worse things happen at sea.

Come on. Let it all out. Let it all out.

How old are you, pet?

I am 17.

I'm sorry about this.

* If it's fragile

* I think it's worthwhile

* And if you break on me

* Well accidents happen

* Cause if it's fragile

* I think it's worthwhile

* And if you break on me

* It's nothing to see

* Well accidents happen

* If you're gonna break down

* And just break down

* And if you break on me

* There's nothing to see

* If you're gonna break down

* And just break down

* And if you break on me

* So if you want to

* Hold onto

* What it is we had

* It's all blackened and shattered *

* So if you want to

* Hold onto

* What it is we had

* It's really lumber

* It's all blackened and shattered *

* If you're gonna break down

* And just break down

* And if you break on me

* There's nothing to see

* If you're gonna break down

* And just break down

* And if you break on me

* Why is the last word

* So wholesome

* And the widths in me

* Are broken and flattered

* Why is the last word

* So wholesome

* And the widths in me

* Are like the dead sea

* It's all broken and flattered *

* If you're gonna break down

* And just break down

* And if you break on me

* There's nothing to see

* If you're gonna break down

* And just break down

* And if you break on meeee-yeah *

* If you're gonna break down

* And just break down

* And if you break on me

* There's nothing to see

* If you're gonna break down

* And just break down

* And if you break on me

* If you're gonna break down

* And just break down

* If you're gonna break down

* And just break down

* If you're gonna break down

* And just break down

* You mean nothing to me