Original subtitles

February 4th, 8-30 a.m., today.

Julie.

Julia.

Juliet.

Light of my dark and lousy existence.

God, what I'd give to see you once by candlelight...

...wrapped in shadows.

Just see you.

Just look at you.

Just drowning, I'd happily die.

Absolved by your merest glance.

Hell, there's more of God in your right eye...

...than lives in heaven.

Hello? Oh, hl, Brian. What's the problem?

Don't worry, It's under control. Leave It to me.

I'm working on It right now. The presentation's practically finished.

Brian, I'm here all night. Okay?

You're all I have that's real, and I have none of you...

...except these words.

Well, that's that.

Yep, that's that.

-Why doesn't It feel Ilke that? -Llke what?

Like that. Llke that's that.

Well, Maddie, there's a reason that two people decide to get married...

...after knowing each other for three days on a train.

Probably the same reason they decide to get annulled a couple of days later.

1 stlil feel Ilke I've known you my whole life.

II Just remind you of your favourite stuffed animal...

...when you were a kid.

I haven't even gotten back the pictures from the wedding chapel In Vegas.

-No?

If I'd known then what I know now, I'd have sent them to the one-hour photo.

Well, you'll send me a print, won't you?

-Yeah, I'll stay In touch. -I'd llke that.

-I'm really sorry about all this. -No, don't be.

It Isn't like I didn't have falr warning.

Don't you wanna get mad or yell or throw a lamp or something?

No, I don't wanna throw a lamp. Besides, you'd Just laugh at me.

I look stupid when I get mad.

You know, most people would say that It Is Impossible...

...to fall In love with somebody that you barely know.

I want the very best for you, Walter.

You know, being married to you was the greatest two weeks of my life.

Yeah, It's the best two-week marriage I ever heard about.

Besides, we'll always have Amtrak.

What are they saying In there?

Here they come.

It was nice meeting all of you.

Okay, you happy now?

I've got a couple of things I'd like to discuss this morning.

First of all, I'd llke to thank you all for coming to my wedding.

I really appreciate It.

It was a really nice wedding. I'm sorry I had to run out like that.

Secondly, for anyone who's Interested...

...the pregnant woman with Mr. Addison...

...had a healthy, 7-pound boy.

And thirdly, thank you all for the lovely wedding gifts.

I really appreciate It.

I have, however, returned them all to you...

...as Mr. Bishop and I are no longer married.

That's all, folks.

Thank God.

I'm gonna close my eyes, and whoever stole the soundtrack, put It back.

Good morning, Mr. Addison.

-You all get lucky last night? -Better.

-Been sniffing the Wite-Out again? -Way better.

Alvin and the Chipmunks get back together?

Way, way better.

- I think Miss Hayes wants to see you. -She's got eyes In her head.

Notice anything unusual In the office this morning?

Not a thing.

All these wedding presents. Unopened wedding presents.

Returned wedding presents.

Got a hot news flash on the blond beast. Don't get your hopes up.

She probably married the limo driver on the way back from the hospital.

-Come In. -Morning.

Good morning.

Oh, did I have a terrible nightmare this weekend.

I dreamed that you and me went to a wedding...

...got Into a hlg knockdown-dragon, made up, made out...

...and then sald all kinds of Incredibly wonderful things to each other.

Must have been one too many chllidogs.

What'd you and Wally do this weekend?

Thirty-seven days till my birthday. 38, It's a leap year.

Thank you, David. I'm sure It's lovely and It was very sweet...

...hut Walter and I are getting an annulment.

-Gonna go through with It, huh? -Really going through with It.

-Why don't you keep It? -I can't.

I want you to. Think of It as a consolation prize.

I wouldn't feel right.

You don't take a $3 million pair of diamond-studded paperweights...

...back to Harry Winston and ask him for a refund.

-Can't you get a store credit? -You're probably right.

So.

-How'd he take It? -It was hls suggestion.

His suggestion?

He thought It'd be best for both of us. He's a terrific guy.

-Any regrets? -A few.

So I guess that means that you're single again, huh?

-Free as a bird. -Unattached.

-Footloose and fancy-free. -Available?

Available.

That's good to know.

But you'll probably need some time, some space.

-Why? -You're on the rebound.

I'm not on the rebound. I see no reason to put my life on hold.

-You're right, life's too short. -Yes, It Is.

So that means If I ask you out for, say, a movie and popcorn...

...bowling and a beer, snowshoeing and maple syrup--?

I'm fielding offers, yes.

That's good to know.

-Waddle-- -How about Saturday?

What?

Oh, I don't know, I gotta check my calendar.

You know what? I forgot to give you this blll.

-For what? -The wedding.

-The wedding? -Yeah. We had a deal, remember?

I'd throw you a blg wedding If you got married, which you didn't, and I'm not.

Eight thousand?

Three hundred and seventy-two dollars and thirty-eight cents...

...which Includes a reception neither you or I attended...

...which I heard was pretty cool.

There's someone here to see you.

Send him In. Miss Hayes was Just saying...

...that we could use a little surge In the cash flow.

-Brian Gates. -David Addison.

-Pleasure. -Maddie Hayes.

-Pleasure. -Please have a seat.

Thank you.

-How can we help you, Mr. Gates? - I have this slight problem.

I'm about a month away from going bankrupt.

-That's never been a problem for us. -Go on, please.

I'm partners In the PR firm of Gates and Wicklow.

Over the past couple of years, we've made a tidy profit...

...due largely to John's talent.

But for the past three months, he's changed.

He's become unreliable, unstable, virtually Irresponsible.

I can't tell you how many accounts he's lost.

This week, I found out why.

He's gone off the deep end over some woman.

I'd like for you to find her, maybe I can save my business.

-Find her for him? -Actually, for me.

John has fallen In love with this woman from afar.

As brllilant as he Is...

...he's Incredibly Insecure and unsure of himself.

If I can find her, maybe talk with her, I don't know...

...maybe convince her to meet with him. I know It sounds crazy.

-It's the only thing I can think of. -Tell us about this woman.

I'll let him do that.

-What's this? -Those are copies of John's Journal.

John has fitted a dozen notebooks...

...all about this mysterious woman that he calls Juliet.

He doesn't even know I've read them. I know I shouldn't have.

I was looking for some material...

...that John was supposed to have completed, but he never did.

And I found those In his desk.

Since then, I've tried to convince him to tell me about her...

...without admitting that I know about the Journals.

But he Just won't do It.

He refuses to try and meet the woman of his dreams.

So I thought about detectives that are trained to look for clues, details.

Maybe you could read them, try and find her.

Mr. Gates...

...reading someone's private Journal without their consent doesn't seem--

Right. I know.

My conscience bothers me too.

But can you tell me what's right?

Is It better to protect a person's privacy...

...or to help him grab his one chance at happiness?

Not to mention sustaining a business...

...that financially supports dozens of people.

Listen to this.

"I wish I could describe her face, her ways...

...but I cannot. My Joy at seeing her blinds me."

If he was a little less Joyful, we'd have a better chance of finding this broad.

You think something's wrong with him?

No. He's fine.

-Are you flne? -Yeah, I'm fine.

-You sure? -Sure I'm sure.

Just all this reading and no pictures.

What?

What the hell's "a world of sighs"?

I don't know. Guess It means he sighs a lot.

I'd rather have a world of thighs.

This Is pretty amazing.

He's fitted three pages Just writing her name.

Long name.

Love the way he uses If, like It Intoxicates him.

"Last night, alone In bed...

...I woke and had the strange sensation that you were near me.

I felt you there, felt your skin against me...

...your hot breath, your halr wrapped around my throat.”

What?

"Your halr wrapped around my throat"?

If the guy wanted halr around hlis throat...

...he should've grown a beard.

You're not giving these words a chance.

A chance? A chance to what, make sense?

Look, I ain't no Rod McKuen over here.

God, all this stuff Is Just a little hard to wade through.

I mean, how are we gonna find "the daughter of the sun"?

Run an ad? "Desperately seeking the daughter of the sun"?

No, but If you tried to understand It, tried to get Inside what It means--

Get Inside what It means? All right, great.

You get Inside "daughter of the sun,” and I'll be right behind you.

-David. -What?

-Nothing. Forget It. -It's forgotten.

-Fine. -Fine.

I know some of this Is stupid, but I Just thought It was romantic.

You and I here reading this together, I thought It was nice.

It Is nice.

David.

Look, I think I'm gonna take my part home with me, work on It there.

I promised Terri I'd stop by, see how she's doing, check on her.

Right. Tell her hi tor me.

Right.

-Good night. -Night.

-Hey. -David, where have you been?

What? The message on my machine sald 7:30.

It's gotta be at least 8:30.

Must have forgot to set my watch back last fall.

-Where's the fire? -Good morning.

It Is a good morning.

HI. Could I have some coffee and a toasted English, please?

-What's up? -What's the hurry?

It's a beautiful morning. The two of us might as well silt here and chat a while.

Okay.

What would you like to chat about?

II don't know, things, you and me. How are you this morning, David?

-I'm fine. -You look great.

You wanna tell me what we're doing here?

Sure. Last night, after you left...

...I was going over the Journals and I noticed something unusual.

The first letter of the first word on every page spelled:

-"The walrus Is Paul.” -That's very funny, Davlid.

You're funny today. But, no, that's not It.

Most of the time, John writes about her...

...but once a week, he writes to you.

Walt a minute. Are you saying this guy wants me to be his valentine?

-Not "you" you, David. -I'm crushed.

Every other day, he writes, "I love her.”

But every Tuesday, he wrlites, "I love you."

Alternate-side-of-the-street pronouns. I get It.

I was checking out the expense log that Mr. Gates gave us.

John has breakfast here every Tuesday morning.

He should be showing up here any time now.

Thank you.

Well, maybe he's Just got the hots for one of the waitresses here.

-How's Terri? -She's good. She's very good.

I went to the hospital last night, she's doing great. And the kid:

Kid's got "bouncer" written all over him.

-David. -Oh, Waddle.

Here comes our artiste, I think.

Matches the photo.

I kind of feel sorry for the poor schmo.

Here he Is admiring this woman from afar...

...In love, and we're gonna ruln the whole thing.

What's the point of loving her If he can't be with her?

He probably don't love her. Probably all In his head.

Right In the old noggaroo, which Is where It ought to stay.

I've never seen you 80 sour about a case, David.

Hey, I cash the paycheque, I do the Job.

But It's not the case, Is It?

-It's really you and me. -What?

The other night at the hospital after the wedding...

-...we sald some things to each other. -Yeah?

Some things that I thought made a difference, made It better.

But ever since then...

...whenever I try to talk to you, whenever I try to be with you...

...you Just seem llke you're not there.

-Llke Invasion of the Body Snatchers. -You know what I mean.

-Llke last night. -What? I went to the hospital.

David, Terri called me last night...

...to thank me for the baby clothes I sent her.

You didn't go to the hospital last night.

You've turned Into quite a detective.

Why don't you talk to me about things you don't wanna talk to me about?

Because It's showtime.

You don't think he's In love with a mannequin?

Girl llke that's got her advantages.

Doesn't each much on dates, no mood swings.

Walt a minute.

What brunette In yon window breaks?

She's tall.

-Got the gift of gams. -Long, dark halr.

More than enough to wrap around your throat.

-She's striking. -She reminds me of Mrs. Patrick.

My fourth-grade teacher.

She's a display artist In a department store In Beverly Hills.

Really?

John sits In the restaurant every Tuesday and watches her.

-Doesn't take his eyes off her. -Dribbles orange Juice all over himself.

-And her name's Juliet? -No, must be a pet name.

-Her real name Is Mary, Mary Erin. -Mary?

This Mary?

-Her maiden name's Erin. -Who Is she?

My wife.

Don't get up. Nothing's wrong with the volume.

So it's a little quiet.

No back-and-forth. No ping and pong.

Doesn't mean the ride has to be uncomfortable.

This Is so uncomfortable.

Okay, so maybe it's uncomfortable. So maybe I should say something.

I wish he'd say something.

Why should I say something? I don't wanna say something.

I'm not gonna say anything. Why should I?

It's not my problem. If we're going to have a conversation...

...he'll have to say something.

-So we won't talk. -So we won't talk.

I hate all this silence.

Bet she hates all this silence. She knows something's wrong.

She knows something's bothering me.

Does she know these seats make my underwear creep up?

Random thought. It Just popped into my head.

This isn't like him. I'm not used to him keeping things to himself.

If there's a problem, If something's wrong...

...why won't he talk to me?

Maybe he's still mad at me.

If we don't talk, she'll think I'm still mad at her.

But If that's all It Is--

- I would have told her by now. -It's us.

You can't just tell someone...

...that you're looking at what you've been together...

...and thinking about what you're gonna be...

...and you're just not sure it's right.

-He's scared. -I'm not scared, exactly.

That's It, he's scared.

I sald I wasn't scared. It's just that...

...well, maybe some people are better at arm's length than hand in hand.

He's wondering If the idea of getting together...

...wasn't better than actually doing it will be.

What do we do, trade in the red-hot tempers for a white picket fence?

Wondering if we can turn our past into a future.

And six months in, we're 6 feet under.

I'm running to the neighbour lady for a D cup of sugar.

Middle': writing journals about her friend's husband.

That's what it is.

David's looking at what we've been and losing faith in what we can be.

-The trouble Is-- -The trouble Is...

...things are different now, but they're still the same.

-Did you say some--? No. -Did you say some--? No.

Well, I'm all talked out.

Guess I'll go In my office and catch up on some clock-watching.

-Okay. -Okay.

Yeah?

Hey, Terri.

What?

Oh, I thought that wasn't until Tuesday.

That's what I meant. No. This Is Tuesday.

No, no. No, It's not a bad time.

Yeah, sure I can take you home.

Yeah, I'll be there In about 20 minutes. Start packing.

And don't forget the baby.

David, we have to talk.

-No, you gotta talk. I've gotta go. -At 10:30 In the morning?

I should've got a hall pass from my teacher.

How long are you gonna keep doing this?

-What "this" are you talking about? -You know what I'm talking about.

Your attitude, your silence, avoiding me.

-Avoiding you? -Avoiding me.

II am not avoiding you. This Is avoiding you.

-David. -What, Maddie?

What Is It this time? What crisis Is 1t? You run out of Beer Nuts?

Or are you gonna try to use Terri as an excuse again?

As a matter of fact, I'm bringing her home from the hospital today.

Now, If that's not good enough, I'll bring a note from her doctor.

Addison.

I know what you're doing. I know why you're doing It.

Walter's gone. Now you're having second thoughts about us...

...about committing, about what'll happen.

But Just because we have this history, this crazy pattern of behaviour--

You say, "Now," I say, "Later.” You Jump forward, I Jump backward.

--Doesn't mean It always has to be like that. I'm tired of It.

As tired as you are, David.

And If we want It to be different, It can be.

Can't we Just forget the past, start with a clean slate?

You want a clean slate? Come on. Come on, we'll talk about clean slates.

I'm not the one that left In the middle of the night for Chicago...

...for four and a half months.

I'm not the one who met some guy and married him.

And I'm not the one that divorced him a week later.

I got a clean slate, okay?

All I did was show up and Walt and than Walt some more.

And I'm still here. I never left.

So don't talk to me about commitment.

And for God's sake, stop asking me how I feel about you.

Do you wanna know how I feel about you?

If a guy did to me what you did to me...

...I'd have knocked his teeth down his throat.

You still have your Incisors, 80 I guess that means I still must care.

But I don't have to llke It.

I don't really like any of this.

But, yeah, I'm gonna be here when the baby comes.

I'm gonna help you through that. And I guess that means...

...that I have some kind of commitment to you.

But you gotta stop talking to me about clean slates...

...and about commitments and about how I feel about you.

I have some things to do. So I'm gonna go now.

Unlike you, I wlll be back.

There's cookies and mllk In the fridge, movie money on the table.

While I am gone, whatever you do, don't leave...

...don't marry somebody else and don't divorce him.

-Watch your step. -Here we are. We're home.

This Is where we're gonna live. I hope you llke It.

"Yeah, Mommy, I like It. It's nice.”

-Gonna have lots of fun here. -You want some help?

David, this Is Incredible!

How beautiful.

Yeah, It's kind of nice. Wouldn't mind living here myself.

Oh, David, I can't believe you did all this.

Well, kind of wanted the bambino to start out In the penthouse.

"Oh, I love my room, Uncle David.

Thank you so much for all these swell toys.”

Way beyond the call of duty, Addison.

-Terri. -Yeah?

I have something I need to talk to you about.

This wouldn't have anything to do with that Laurel-and-Hardy delivery...

...the other day, would It?

David, If you think that, after all you've done for me...

...I'm gonna try to make you squirm over working things out with Maddie...

...I'm Insulted.

II don't understand It. It's Just something I gotta do.

I know.

When I saw the way the two of you wanted to kil each other...

...knew I didn't stand a chance.

-You wanna hear something funny? -Yeah.

Walter Bishop has been calling me.

Well...

...don't tell Maddie I sald this, but I think he's an okay guy.

-Make a pretty wild double date. -Maybe. We'll see.

You and Junior gonna be okay?

Oh, yeah, we're gonna be okay.

You know, David...

...a baby Is all I wanted out of this bargain In the first place.

And now I got a friend thrown In.

I've got more than enough to make me happy.

Way more than enough.

You always have such an amazing way...

...of making things easy for me.

It's not Intentional.

Well...

Well...

Well, why don't you play the ukulele and I'll go make us something to eat.

Hello, David, It's Middle.

What's the matter, somebody murdered?

I'm calling from Brian Gates' office.

Can you get over here as fast as you can?

Brian Gates Is dead.

Why do I even bother listening to my messages?

Why don't you get him ready to take him on downtown?

-What's what? -Doesn't look good.

Come on.

Where do you think you're going?

We handle public relations for Gates/Wiokiow.

Pygmy PR, no client too small. We heard there was a murder.

-We're looking for a poslitive angle. -Sorry, pal, you Just lost an account.

-Gates Is dead and Wicklow did It. -Wicklow?

Clubbed his partner In the head, poured himself a Scotch...

...and then dlalled 911.

When we got here, he was writing some kind of love poetry...

...or some damn thing.

If we'd never taken this case, this wouldn't have happened.

This mess was on the boards long before we got Involved.

- I know, but I feel horrible. -For who? Old crazy John?

He didn't exactly have all the social amenities.

-Social amenities? -Yeah.

Fills an encyclopaedia of babble about this babe...

...and then blows her old man's brains all over the bulletin board.

-He never knew what he wanted. -He knew exactly what he wanted.

John had so much love, he wouldn't let anything stand In the way...

...of his being with the one person he wanted.

Yeah. Well, now he's got 15 years In the way.

He thought It was worth It for the chance to be with her.

Yeah, right. So what's he do once the coast Is clear?

Head for the coast?

No. Sits down, takes out his quill and writes:

"There once was a bimbo named Juliet."

-What If he sat there for a reason? - I know the reason.

Anything was better than having to talk to her face to face.

Maybe that's not why he didn't go to her.

Maybe he wanted to stay with the body.

Why would he wanna get caught?

What If he was protecting her from the murder charge?

- I don't think she's home. -She's not gonna be here.

-Probably not. -Course not.

She's on the redeye to Brazil.

- I don't think she's here. -No way she's gonna be here.

I was expecting you.

-You were? -Aren't you the police?

-No, we're private Investigators. -The ones my husband hired?

-He told you about us? -He's not here. He dled at the office.

-We heard. -And you think I killed him, don't you?

Who's gonna win the World Series?

Why do you think we think you killed him?

Not that you shouldn't think we think you killed him.

Nor should you think we don't think you killed him.

Actually, what we think you think Is not the Issue, I think.

-Why don't you come In? -Good thinking.

This way.

The truth Is, I did klll my husband.

Walt a minute, walt a minute...

...that's not the way we do things around here.

We're supposed to wheedle our way In.

You act suspicious. We make all kinds of Insulting Insinuations.

You get mad. You get busted.

You run out the back door and then we have some big stupid chase.

Why'd you klll him?

Because I was trying to save someone.

John Wicklow?

My husband wanted to kiil him.

You mean, after he found out John was In love with you?

No. Earlier tonight, Brian came home...

...and told me the Journals had been written about me.

That two private detectives had followed him, found out.

-So when he left here, I followed him. -Why'd you follow him?

Because I didn't want anything to happen to John.

See...

...I'd read the Journals and envied Juliet...

...because I've never been loved like that, so purely and completely.

And when I found out that he was writing about me...

...can't explain It, but I've never felt so alive.

It was the most amazingly happy few moments of my life.

Anyway...

...I found Brian waiting for John at the office with a gun.

I thought he was In some sort of Jealous rage...

...but he sald he wasn't Jealous at all...

...that he'd schemed to klll John from the beginning.

Something about getting the whole business before they sold It.

Does that have anything to do with why he came to see us?

He wanted to find Juliet...

...80 that he could pay her to reject John.

Then the lovesick John Wicklow would be found dead...

...a suicide over a broken heart.

And the Journals would document his state of mind.

But when he found out you were the woman--

He figured he could still make It look llke a suicide.

Who need: rejection when you got guilt?

And he wanted me to be his allbl. So we fought...

...struggled with the gun, and It went off.

I didn't wanna klll him. I was so terrified, I ran.

John must have seen me going out of the building...

...and now he's taking the blame because he loves me.

-You understand any of this? -Doesn't matter, as long as they do.

Here, I've written the whole thing down.

I was gonna leave It here. Why don't you Just take It to the police?

-We're gonna take you along with It. -That won't be necessary.

I am so sorry. I'm not gonna use this on you.

It's for me. See, my life Is over.

I can't let the man I love go to prison for something I've done.

And I can't go to prison. I'd never make It.

There's really no other way out.

David, she's gonna kiil herself. Do something.

-Stop. Don't. -Goodbye, cruel world.

David?

Are you all right? David?

I would have rather done something myself.

Hurry up, David, you've gotta stop her.

Oh, now we're getting somewhere. The chase.

Hey, no! Come on, glve me that.

Hey, It's the Stooges.

No. Let me be swallowed Into eternity...

...where I can pay for my crime In the darkness, please.

Are you nuts? The network wlil never let you do that.

Hey, look, It's the ghost of your old man.

Made you look. Glve me that.

David. David, are you--?

-David, how are you? -Medium rare.

We've gotta stop her from killing herself.

-Why? -Come on.

David, do something.

Don't. Stop.

David.

David!

David!

David. They missed a spot.

-Where'd she go? -Up there.

-You think she wants to spit on cars? -David.

I know, I know, I gotta do something to stop her.

I'll go. You catch up when you can.

Hey! What--?

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Why are you doing this? Just let go of me.

Because If you do this, you're not gonna live to regret It.

But I told you, I have nothing to stay here for.

Nothing? Are you crazy? Let me rephrase that.

-What about John, don't you love him? -Of course I love him.

Didn't you say he makes you feel like nobody else ever made you feel?

-That's why I have to dle. -But you two are made for each other.

What kind of future do you think we'd have?

Whatever kind of future you want. Look, that doesn't matter.

What you gotta do Is get past your past.

The thing that matters Is that you love him and he loves you.

Two people can make It If they try. The future's the only thing that counts.

-Forget the rest. -Oh, yeah?

-Yeah. -You really mean that?

Yeah, I really mean all of that.

Excuse me.

I think maybe I'd like to come back up after all.

-All right, good. Climb up. -No, I can't. I'm scared.

Now you're scared? All right, hang on.

-Careful, David. -I'm being careful.

All right, come on. I got you. Put your arm up there.

Stand up, come on. Stand up, stand up.

Good. Good. Keep going.

All right, you're almost there. Come on.

There we go.

Oh, yeah, see? Now the relationship's going somewhere!

Come In.

Hey.

You sign up for any Lamaze classes yet?

Yeah. Actually, there was one In here. I was looking at Tuesday at 9.

-Eight Central Time? -Yeah, something llke that.

Okay.

Nine to 10, Tuesdays, you and me.

You're gonna wanna get some dinner or something beforehand, right?

-That'd be nice. -Okay.

Seven thirty to 10, you and me, Tuesdays.

And you're probably gonna wanna talk or something afterwards, right?

Yeah, If you can spare the time.

Okay.

So that's 7:30 to midnight...

...you and me, Tuesdays.

I guess we can figure out...

...when we're gonna get together and practise some other time.

-Yeah, we can work that out. -Okay.

-Getting late. Leaving soon? -In a minute.

Well, If you wanted me to walk you and the little dividend...

...down to the parking structure, I'd be...

...honoured.

Yeah. Okay. Thanks.

You're welcome.

Hello. Now, I know you're out there looking at your watch...

...the show Is over, and there's 10 minutes left.

Yes, the show Is short, but we don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. II don't know what to say.

See, there's a writer's strike going on and our lips are tled.

There's Just not words...

It's okay, I got It taken care of.

HI. Yeah, Ilke she was saying, you see, we're Just actors.

We can only speak when somebody writes stuff for us to say...

...and the writers are on strike.

And that's okay for them because this Is America...

...and strikes happen, and that's all right.

But we have a way out of this. I came up with an Idea.

-We do? -Yeah, we do.

Remember on the Ozzie 5 Harriet show...

...888, sometimes their show would be short...

...and then they would bring Ricky Nelson down...

...and he would llng a song.

-You're not gonna sing? -No, not me, I'm not gonna sing.

I'm certainly not gonna sing.

That's okay, we have somebody who Is gonna perform...

...and I wanna bring him out right now. Come on.

-Bert? -I'm not-- No, I can't do this.

-The camera's rolling. - can't do this.

-I'm sorry, I Just can't. I can't. -Walt, excuse me.

I've gotta draw the line somewhere. I'm drawing the line.

-You can't draw the line. - I have to.

-You sald you would do It. -I'm gonna do the--

I Jumped out of the cake. I put the dress on.

I did the hoochle-koochle dance. I did all those things.

But I'm gonna quit while I'm Just a llittle bit behind.

When you Jumped out of that cake and sang Ilke Marilyn Monroe...

...they loved you.

But I've had It. I have to stop. No, see, they don't wanna hear me sing.

-You gotta-- -They don't even wanna see me.

Did you see the ratings for my show last week?

Forget that. We don't care about ratings. Look--

You gotta do this. Please.

-Okay. -Thattaboy.

All right, come on out here now. We'll be right with you, folks.

Now, listen, Just here. Stay right here on your mark.

Okay, here, good.

Here. All right. Okay. How are you feeling?

-I'm all right. Yeah. -You ready?

Where's the turban? Here, give-- Yeah. Come here, put It on there.

-All right. You all set? -Yeah.

-You ready? -Okay. Hit It, girls.

Would you come on? Move around a little bit.

-Time's up. -Time's up.