Original subtitles

[rumbling]

[whoosh]

Hi, I'm Lindsay Griffin.

I'm Chelsea Morgan.

Kristin Fox.

Taylor Hawkins.

I'm Jenny.

Alex Taylor.

Hi.

Dallas Mitchell, reading for the role of Brooke.

I'm Justin.

But some people call me brilliant.

[MUSIC - JOSIAH HAWLEY, "AMERICA [BE ANYONE]"]

[SINGING] America.

And for those of you that don't yet, you will.

[SINGING] Be anyone.

Tell no one.

Get laid.

Today's the day that I officially

realized that my life sucks.

Yes, I'm hungover.

Yes, last night was my birthday.

And yes, I woke up alone again--

well, not totally alone.

Come say hi, Newt.

Uh, hi.

And right now, I should be going on my next audition.

But I'm not going to.

Go ahead, Newt.

Ask me why.

NEWT: Why?

Because I won't get the part.

I never get the part.

And honestly, I really don't want the part

in this shitty, low budget, independent movie

with a bunch of shitty fucking wannabe actors.

Do you know what I really want?

Go ahead, Newt.

Ask me.

NEWT: What do you really want, Justin?

To get laid by a ridiculously hot chick.

I have no idea what he's talking about.

He wants me to shoot some kind of documentary.

But he offered me 10 bucks and a Chipotle burrito

for every day I follow him around with my camera.

What?

Don't act like you're all cool.

You're unemployed.

This is true.

[music playing]

Problem is, the type of girls that I want to bang

don't want to bang me.

These Hollywood hotties want a guy with power.

They want someone who can change their life.

And by life, I mean career.

Oh, the perfect hangover cure.

[rustling]

[angelic chorus]

This documentary is about a group

of dudes who held a fake casting session for a fake movie

so that we can get laid for real.

Come on, Newt.

Let's go get Chase.

[music playing]

[SINGING] I bet you don't mind--

Hey, roomie. - Get out.

He's like a kitten in the morning.

I need you to get over Jordan, man.

I'm over her.

Hm, it doesn't look like it.

[SINGING] But you kissed me goodbye.

It's really over this time.

My roommate, maybe you've heard of him, Chase Lockwood,

he's a major star in China and India

for some B horror alien film he did.

He might even be a bigger star in West Hollywood

for starring in what I like to call the bisexual parody

of "Twilight."

He was the "Edward."

That's what you always say, bro.

People that break up 17 times are not meant to be together.

You don't understand.

Understand what?

She was the best sex ever.

You know, it did sound pretty good--

paper thin.

Now, Chase's ex-girlfriend, Jordan Holliday,

she's a smoking hot chick.

But I'm sure you know that, seeing

as she is a huge movie star.

[music - letter q, "cherry lie"]

[SINGING] She's so hot.

She's dynamite.

Take her home.

Gonna make--

But she's the biggest bitch west of the Mississippi.

I think her exact words were--

I need a man, not a boy.

I love my roommate, love living in his condo.

But he's totally one of those actors.

And we're stating he's a model too, not for anything good.

In fact, he may be the vainest person in Los Angeles,

complete with a "Zoolander" complex.

[music - letter q, "cherry lie"] [SINGING] She's so hot.

She's dynamite. Take her home.

And gonna make--

In fact, if you ask him, he'll tell

you he invented "Zoolander."

Do I have a "Zoolander" complex?

Psh, no.

But I did come up with the idea.

So I was sitting in a Starbucks, and I was

telling this chick the idea.

And I was probably talking really loud, you know,

because I was excited.

And I looked over, and there's fucking

Ben Stiller standing there listening to me

while he waited for his coffee.

And what was Ben Stiller drinking?

And then he walked out with his Frappuccino.

But my roommate's going to be a very

valuable asset to the plan.

If I'm going to cast a fake movie,

I'm going a need a somewhat recognizable actor attached.

At least he has credits.

[drums]

I need you, man.

I need good sex.

Exactly.

I'll help you-- not by playing with your pecker.

[sighs] You're going to get me Jordan back.

No, I'll get you someone hotter.

[scoffs] Not possible.

OK, someone equally as hot, another actress--

you can make her jealous.

I'm listening.

Every audition I go to, there's

a line of girls out the door.

And then when you get inside, it's

a bunch of douchebags holding auditions.

So Justin tells me he has a plan.

These guys aren't even cool.

But they do have the attention of over 100 smoking hot chicks.

Justin's a nice guy.

He's got a kind face.

He's instantly likable.

But if I had to describe him in a phrase, he's ultra medium.

I mean, I'm a good looking guy.

He's not good looking.

But he's not bad, I guess.

I'm hilarious.

He's not funny.

But he's not not funny.

I've got a job.

His job sucks ass.

But at least he's got one.

So why can't I have one of these girls?

Ah, Justin, OK, I'll play along with your little game.

So Chase is in.

Him and I are going to be the leads in this fake movie.

But now we need a crew.

Time to assemble the team, "Ocean's 11" style.

I love how Justin makes an "Ocean's 11" reference.

He totally views himself like George Clooney.

Well, newsflash, J-Bone, you're no Clooney.

But I can see how he'd think I'd be the Brad Pitt.

[camera shutter]

[music playing]

[SINGING] We're living here in Hollywood

under the skies of blue.

These guys, also brilliant.

What's up, beeyotches?

What's, uh, what's up with the camera?

Today's the first day of the rest of our lives.

Hell yeah it is.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Are you ever thinking of me?

Ross, we got company.

[SINGING] Everything farther and farther away--

And a camera?

AUSTIN: And a camera.

What's up, fellas?

Yo.

Hey, buddy.

So apparently, our lives are about to change.

OK.

Get this.

I want to hold a fake audition for a fake movie

so that we can meet and cast a lot of hot bitches.

I fucking love it.

I don't know how I feel about it.

That's because you think with your head too much, man.

Use your cock and balls like the rest of us.

That's where you guys would come in.

You'd be the writers.

Of the fake movie?

- Exactly. - Genius.

I know, right?

So you want us to write a fake script?

Well, not an entire script.

I don't need a whole screenplay, just

an idea and then a few scenes we can

use during a casting session.

Ross and Austin, also known as Rostin,

just got done writing a bomb-ass vampire web series.

These guys write hot girl parts better than anyone

I've ever known.

You don't know any other writers, do you?

Not as good as Rostin.

Thanks, bro-ski.

All right, what's it supposed to be about?

It's up to you, whatever you want.

You're essentially the brains behind this fake project.

It just needs to star a bunch of hot girls, like four or five,

basically one for each of us.

And they should be described in detail to look

like the girls of our dreams.

Do we get an IMDB credit for writing a fake movie?

This is fucking phenomenal.

Each one of us will, in great detail,

write out an audition notice for our perfect girl.

Well, it's got to be a horror film.

Yes, horror films love sluts.

And there's got to be a big group of girls.

Oh, and they get lost while they're camping in the woods.

No, not out in the woods.

Mud wrestling tournament.

Be realistic.

What?

This isn't a real movie.

Slumber party.

Jackpot.

Bam.

"The Bloody Slumber Party."

Yeah, I could star in that.

Five girls having a slumber party all get brutally

murdered in a house over night.

Not bad.

Chase and I play two of their boyfriends.

We show up and save the day.

I'm going to write in my perfect girl.

And I'll finally write mine.

And we're going to write in one more girl, because we're

going to need a happy producer.

I've never produced anything.

JUSTIN: But you're good with money.

But this isn't a real movie.

JUSTIN: But it is a real documentary.

Yeah, I noticed the camera.

What's up, Newt?

NEWT: Hey, Ben.

Focus.

I'm listening.

Ross and Austin are writing scenes for the fake movie.

It's called "The Bloody Slumber Party."

Yeah, I get it.

So you're in?

No, and I don't think girls will be either.

Of course they will be.

This is LA.

There's tons of sexy hopefuls out there.

Creating a fake movie is not going to make girls

want to date you.

Have you ever tried?

He had a point.

You have a point.

JUSTIN: You see?

But what are we going to do when they find

out that there's no real movie?

I don't know.

We'll stretch out as long as we can.

How long is that?

Uh, long enough for a kick off party and a table read.

How do you have a table read without a script?

Maybe that's where it'll all end then.

At the table read, we'll tell them the truth.

It's a terrible idea.

But the girls will still be happy.

Why the hell would they still be happy?

Because obviously they were all actresses

in this documentary.

Girls aren't going to go for this.

He'll probably get sued.

I'm in.

Praise Jesus.

I've known Ben since kindergarten.

The first time I fingered a girl was at his eighth grade

birthday party.

He's a cool guy, but he's never had much luck with the ladies.

It's because he's anal, and he used to be an advertising dork.

But now that he's laid off, he should be a movie producer.

I bet his ratio of pussy to pussy-less nights

would change drastically.

But we're going to make all the girls sign something.

He's a smart guy.

I knew he was a no-brainer.

Like what?

I don't know, some kind of release form.

You can't put girls in a documentary

without their consent.

And you can't put me in it either.

[clang]

[music playing]

He's super successful.

He owns a company.

- What kind of company? - I don't know.

What kind of company?

I don't know.

But he's got the best pot.

Fantastic.

But he has produced a movie before, right?

Yeah.

And the ladies love him.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Four, three, two, one.

Oh, why thank you, Bambi.

Sure thing, Big J.

AUSTIN: Ain't she a peach?

She's not ugly.

And if you like brunettes--

hey, Ariel, say hi to the boys.

Hi, boys.

[SINGING] Raise your hand and say so.

I wonder if Johnson needs a pool boy.

A fake casting session, huh?

Yeah, that sounds like a fun idea.

So you're in?

Whoa, ho, ho, I don't need any more hot chicks.

He doesn't.

Everyone that knows Johnson loves Johnson.

And Johnson knows a lot of people.

He's kind of like the Hugh Hefner of the 818.

So what do you need from me as executive producer?

Just your name.

And maybe your place for a killer kickoff party.

That kid was so pathetic.

I just couldn't tell him no.

Plus, I like Chase.

He's my boy.

And he'd probably make a lot of money too.

You rock, dude.

I know.

I'm best at producing smiles.

[SINGING] So we here with the play and your--

[music playing]

We got almost everyone we need.

But we still need to figure out some logistics.

Like what?

Like where are we going to shoot most of this?

Where are we going to hold auditions?

Who's going to direct it?

Oh, yeah, we totally need a director.

Can Newt just direct it?

I don't know.

Can you, Newt?

NEWT: I'd rather not.

You know any good directors?

Not good directors.

Yeah, you should see some of his movies.

What?

I got some awesome fans.

For some reason, Chase forwards me his fan e-mails.

They're usually from dudes or Indians--

not the feather kind, the ones with dots.

And you've never worked as an actor in this town,

so you don't know any directors.

Actually, I did this one play.

Oh, yeah, that was really funny.

The director, Parker, he's kind of crazy.

Crazy good, like an artist, or crazy bad?

Crazy like he yelled in my face.

What'd he say?

You're fired.

Yeah, he fired me.

Oh, so this guy might actually know what he's doing.

Every now and then, Ben's a real dick.

I mean, I guess we can ask him.

He is scary and moody though, but he

does have a nice theater.

I think he lives there.

Perfect.

All right, guys, well, uh, I got to bounce.

I got lunch with Rihanna.

So, uh, peace.

Is that true?

Who knows?

Well, let's head over to the theater and ask him.

When he sees the swarm of attractive women

he'll get to direct, I'm sure he'll do it.

No fucking way.

Why not?

Because first of all, I don't even like you.

All I did was improv one extra line.

And it ruined the perfect comedic timing

that I had masterminded.

I'm sorry.

That's what they all say.

And secondly, I don't even like women.

You don't?

You don't?

No, they're annoying, and they don't have a penis.

Wow, I had no idea you were gay.

No one knows.

I'm cool like that.

What if we added a gay character?

- We can't do that. - Why not?

Yeah, why not?

I mean, it's supposed to be about a bunch

of hot girls getting slaughtered at a slumber party.

Well, why don't you make the killer a gay guy?

I guess we could talk to Rostin about it.

And I want to kiss a bunch of straight guys

at these fake auditions.

We haven't exactly ironed out all the details.

And I want an assistant.

I remember Justin had a really cute friend

that came to see his play last year

and got wasted with us after.

Assistant?

Yes, I want a personal assistant.

You know this isn't a real movie you're directing, right?

Do you want to use my name, my credits, my theater?

Yeah.

Then obey my commands.

That's how I do it.

Who was your friend that came out

with us after opening night?

He was an assistant director, if I remember correctly.

What was his name?

Uh, uh--

Ryan?

Ryan, that's it, bingo.

So if we get you a male character,

and Ryan comes on board as your assistant director--

Personal assistant.

Whatever-- you'll come on board?

I'll think about it.

[whoosh]

So you want me to be the assistant director of a film

that you're not really making.

Precisely.

Cool, I'm down.

Hey, boys.

Um, I don't think we've met.

Hey, I'm Ben.

KATIE: Cool, I'm Katie.

Nice to meet you.

Uh, so what you guys doing?

We're making a movie.

Yay.

Can I be in it?

Oh, it's-- it's not a real movie.

Well, not exactly.

Then I had this brilliant thought.

Ben always thinks his thoughts are brilliant.

What if we brought Katie on board too,

you know, for safe keeping?

Safe keeping?

As producer, I'm always looking

out for our best interests.

And we do run the risk of insulting the feminine race.

So having a female on board would

certainly lessen the blow.

Sometimes he is actually kind of smart.

She could be our bridge keeper, a gateway, if you will,

to the other world we know as women.

I like it.

I love it.

Do you guys have a casting director yet?

BOTH: We do now.

[music playing]

We're a few short of 11, but pretty solid

crew, if I don't say so myself.

I should probably go tanning.

And the fake little movie sprouted legs.

Fuck yeah it has.

It's actually pretty good.

We're not really capable of writing utter shit.

It all centers around five girls--

Hot sluts.

--who are enjoying a slumber party.

Until a monster comes along and rips

their fucking heads off.

Uh, something along those lines.

I thought I was playing the lead.

It's not a real movie.

Has anyone told Chase yet?

But I'm in it, right?

So we added Chase Lockwood in as the lead girl's boyfriend.

He comes in and saves the day.

Can I have brass knuckles?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm supposed to be one of the fake actors

in the fake movie.

And Justin was being such a little bitch about everything,

so we told him he could play Chase's best friend.

We should be brothers.

Nope.

Vampires?

Nope.

Supermodels?

Shut the fuck up, Justin.

OK.

What about the gay character?

I forgot to tell them we need to write

in a gay character for Parker.

I don't write homos anymore.

[music playing]

We don't have a choice at this point.

So I agreed.

The fierce monster turned to a fierce gay guy.

Motive, guys?

One of the girls saw her boyfriend kissing another guy,

and that made her really upset.

So upset that she had to have a sleepover

with all of her best friends and only wear lingerie.

And since the boyfriend wasn't ready to come out of the closet

just yet, he obviously had to kill

all of the girls before his secret spread too far.

So my character gets killed by an angry gay guy?

BOTH: Yes. - Fuck.

Long live the angry gay guy.

I'm in.

[music playing]

[SINGING] It's too late to turn back now,

so turn it up and make it loud.

It's the crowd.

And let them see it's not for you or you or you.

It's for me.

It's for me.

It's for me.

It's for me.

It's too late to turn back now.

Here's where the fun begins.

So the name of the movie is "The Bloody Slumber Party."

It sounds like a bunch of girls on their period.

And I'm going to need each one of you guys

to send me a detailed description

of the girl of your dreams.

That way, we can send it to Katie

and get a little casting notice up.

Big tits.

I second that.

Great, guys.

Gross.

The only thing tatas do for me is remind me of when

I drank my mother's milk.

Seriously, guys, there's five girls we need to cast, right?

Yes.

Right.

So that's one for each of us.

And they can look like and be like whatever we want.

ROSS: Yes, Parker?

And as I understand it, there's to be one boy.

Two, actually.

JUSTIN: Why two?

Well, if we're going to have two dudes kiss,

we've got to cast them both. - No, no, that's OK.

We can just cast the one.

I'll make a cameo appearance.

Why is that Parker guy always staring at me?

Guys, focus.

I know this plan will work.

But if we're going to get laid, we're

going to have to take this casting notice seriously.

So one by one, the boys described to me

their perfect girl.

Ahem.

And boy.

A good girl-next-door type, preferably brunette,

good smile, great sense of humor, a little quirky,

has boobs, and isn't crazy.

You know, a blonde or brunette,

it doesn't really matter.

She has to be a bombshell though, obviously.

And she has to tolerate this kid that's in a man's body.

Oh, and she has to like anal play.

Brunette, petite, uh, slender to mildly

athletic, gorgeous face, great smile, sweet ass, small

but with some pop--

it just should fit perfectly in my hand.

I'm an ass guy, love ass, not so much for tits but ass.

I want to date the perfect blonde,

the kind whose looks and smiles lights up a room, about 5' 2"

to 5' 7", lots of positive energy,

totally cool though if she has daddy issues

or is a little unstable--

it makes her easier to manipulate.

Uh, the perfect guy, um, so tough to describe--

preppy to jockish, around 25, muscular--

no, no, not muscular-- well-toned, just not chunky.

Fuck chunky.

I bet I already know what Chase will say.

It's always the same.

I like a chick who's--

Blonde.

--blonde--

Nice lips.

- --sexy lips-- - Tan.

--fake tan-- well, it doesn't have to be fake.

Just tan, I guess.

And big boobs.

And big, beautiful fucking titties.

Well, that was an experience.

OK, maybe this is an outside opinion,

but did you guys ever think that doing all of this

could be, um, wrong?

OK, then.

Well, I'd be flattered if I were chosen.

JUSTIN: Thank you, Katie That's what I'm saying.

Uh, I did notice one possible little problem

that we might be facing though. JUSTIN: What?

Well, nobody described a, um, uh--

A what?

An ethnic girl.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

He's got a good argument.

But why does it even matter?

Well, we don't want people to think we're racist.

JUSTIN: Who's going to think that?

I don't know, anyone who looks at the casting

notice or distributors one day.

I mean, we are planning to market and sell

this as a documentary eventually, right?

NEWT: He has a point.

- Thank you, Newt. - No, shut up, Newt.

Just hold the camera and push the right button

when I tell you to.

Sometimes I think Justin forgets

who's holding the camera.

I see where you're coming from.

But this project is about us getting exactly what we want.

I don't think we need to worry about catering

to all different colors and kinds of people.

I mean, unless one of you guys wants to pick

someone who isn't white?

Yeah, sure.

Why not?

I'll bite the bullet.

AUSTIN: Well, that's certainly kind of you.

"Bite the bullet?"

We're trying to be as politically

correct and considerate as possible in this project.

I've always wanted to bang an Asian chick.

And mark me down for open ethnicity.

OK, so it's settled.

Katie, you have all the notes?

- Right here. - Perfect.

Tonight, you, me, and Ben will post the casting

notice on the break down site.

We'll probably get over 1,000 submissions, maybe a million--

doubtful.

You're going to say I'm starring in this thing, right?

Yes, sir.

A million.

We'll call in all the girls that are a seven and above.

Auditions will be next week.

Any final questions?

But we're not actually going to make the movie, right?

[music playing]

[SINGING] Let's meet tonight if you want to.

You bring the girls.

I'll bring my crew, yeah.

We get it feeling right.

Rock me tonight if you feel so.

No inhibitions, just let go, yeah.

You know, you should put me as a producer as well.

- Why? - Because it's power.

It'd be a lot easier for me to get laid if I'm a producer

and not just an actor with the same casting.

But I thought I was supposed to be the producer.

We can both be producers.

OK, which one is it, one or two?

- Two. - Wait.

What?

How about if I'm the producer, and you're like a co-producer?

What's the difference?

I've been doing my homework and researching a variety

of job titles in this industry.

And I found that producer is sort of like a head honcho.

I used to think it was the executive producer,

but that's more of a money guy, and co-producer

is certainly a step below.

I want to be the only producer on this thing

if I'm actually going to produce it.

It's a power and control kind of thing.

I'm good at having both.

Fine, make me co-producer.

Thank you.

You're such a retard sometimes.

OK, and Johnson is exec, right?

Yes.

OK.

Now we're into the story and the character descriptions.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Hey, hey, baby, I know you want to party now.

We got it going.

Can't shut us down.

I'm going to make you say, ooh, baby, you like it, yeah.

Baby, I know you want to party now.

OK, guys, you know what?

I'm a little offended.

I mean, you have two blondes and two brunettes, no redheads.

Oh, no, not the ethnic card again.

Oh, I'm just messing with you.

But you know, it might be good not to have like two blondes.

I mean, a little diversity is always nice.

You want to give up your blonde?

Fuck no.

Maybe Chase will.

JUSTIN: Hey, Chase, you want to date a redhead instead?

Uh, yeah, sure, whatever.

I figure when it comes down to it, he doesn't really care.

Redhead, blonde, I don't really care.

Besides, if I like Justin's blonde chick better,

I'm just going to steal her from him anyways.

And that should do it.

NEWT: Hey, how come I don't get a girl?

You never said you wanted one.

Why wouldn't I?

We can add in one more character, can't we?

I don't think so.

Then Ross and Austin are going to have

to change the whole story.

But it's not a real story.

Well, how-- how about this?

We can add in one more girl, but not actually cast her.

Cool?

I guess.

OK, Newt, what do you like?

Big bottom girls.

Really?

Really?

NEWT: Yeah.

It's true.

I won't ask.

[music playing]

And off it goes.

And so it begins.

[drums]

Well, that was a nightmare.

That was some fun shit.

I just spent the last week in a room

full of boys looking at literally thousands

of female pictures and resumes.

I think I could get into casting.

But instead of calling in 100 girls for each role--

I think we should've called in at least 100.

--I helped them narrow it down to just

the cream of the crop so we could actually

get through these auditions.

And I'm only letting them use the theater for one day.

[drums]

You boys ready?

JUSTIN: Bring them in.

A lot of anticipation for today, we got to organize

to run like clockwork.

So we're starting with me.

My girls are coming in to read for the role

of "Abby," the ultra slutty hot Asian whore.

Oh, yeah.

KATIE: Guys, up first, this is Amber.

GUYS: Hi, Amber.

Hi.

KATIE: I'll be reading with you, so whenever you're ready.

OK.

I bought a surprise for Jenny.

KATIE: What?

A whole bag of dildos.

No one said the script was award worthy.

KATIE: What?

Why?

This isn't a bachelorette party.

Well, she needs to get her mind off it somehow.

We weren't shooting for an Oscar here.

Trust me, Rachel.

Once you turn this thing on and stick it up your vag,

you'll be hot.

She was cute.

I'd fuck her, but only if she came into my room,

and I didn't have to work for it.

She wasn't bad.

You can have her then.

KIMMIE: Hi, everybody.

[whistle]

[pop] [chime]

[wah]

Now we're talking.

Whenever you're ready, you'll be reading with me.

Uh, who wrote this?

AUSTIN: I did.

We did, actually.

It is so good.

You guys are so awesome.

I try.

We try.

Whenever you're ready.

She was good at stroking the ego.

I wonder if she was good at stroking my--

Whole bag of dildos.

I'm going to guess yes.

Oh, em, gee, you haven't heard?

KATIE: Heard what?

Her boyfriend is like gay.

KATIE: Shut up.

How do you know?

Um, she told me she saw him kiss another guy.

That's why Lola is, like, throwing

her this slumber party.

She is so upset.

KATIE: That's awful.

I know, right?

Uh, but these little bad boys will do the trick.

Thanks, we'll let you know.

No, thank you.

She deserves an award.

For the best cleavage ever.

She made me want to vomit.

Does it matter that she can't act?

It doesn't matter.

If she looks like that, she can act however she wants.

We aren't casting for their talent.

Next, please.

Guys, this is Candice.

Candice, shmandice, she was too eager.

How is everybody doing?

Stop being pathetic.

No, you have a wonderful day.

And then came the tripper.

Oops, sorry.

Nothing is more attractive than a girl

who can't walk good.

Or a guy who can't speak well.

I'm so embarrassed.

I guess I'm a little nervous.

You think?

Next.

A whole bag of dildos.

A whole bag of dildos.

A whole bag of dildos.

Well, wasn't that lovely?

I think I'm going to take a few of those head

shots home with me tonight.

This might be the best day of my life.

It's my turn.

Pressure's on.

Look, here's the thing.

My perfect girl probably wouldn't even be an actress.

And if she was, she'd consider herself

an artist, not an actress.

I think Ross might be gay.

I'm sure lots of guys say it, but brains really are just

as important to me as beauty.

Hi, I'm Bella Michaels.

Me likey.

Oh, boy, now I get to read the other role.

A whole bag of dildos.

What?

Why?

This is not a bachelorette party.

KATIE: She needs to get her mind off it somehow.

Off what?

Me gusta.

I never used one before.

KATIE: Seriously?

Yeah, they frighten me.

I'll protect you.

That's awful.

This is hard.

So is that.

Thanks so much, guys.

Wow.

I mean, whoa, they were all really good.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

You guys didn't think so?

You can't fall for every girl that walks into the room today.

Who's falling?

I'm just commenting.

No, I know exactly what you're doing.

Step it up a notch, bitch.

This is the time to be extra critical.

I am.

I'm just saying that last one especially,

she had great chemistry.

Maybe not with me, but like, you know, with the whole room,

and with Katie.

Katie is actually doing a really nice job today.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're lucky to have a cool girl like her working with us.

Gentlemen, this is Brittany.

She looks familiar.

I don't know.

KATIE: Trust me, Rachel.

Once you stick this up your vag, you'll be hooked.

Oh, I think you're right.

I'm getting wet just thinking about it.

Um, what?

I'm improvising.

Just keep going.

Uh, that's wonderful.

I bet it is.

It looks so big and so hard.

KATIE: Yep, it's very hard.

Like a rock, oh, rock hard, I love a big rock

hard fake penis in my hand.

[moans]

Who doesn't?

[moans]

Please don't stop.

You can stop now.

Damn it Well, that was interesting.

What's on her resume?

I think she's a porn star.

I knew it.

How can you tell?

She was the lead in "Fuck My Butt" three, four, and five.

Not exactly my type.

KATIE: This is Margo.

Does she even want to be here?

KATIE: Her boyfriend is gay.

What?

How do you know?

I said, how do you know?

This girl could kick my ass.

And this is Alex.

[music playing]

Wow.

Heard what?

KATIE: Her boyfriend is gay.

Shut up.

No, you shut up, holy hot girl.

Damn.

OK, now I can really see myself with this girl.

Yeah, they frighten me.

Such a sweetheart.

Totally a sweetheart.

Where are you from?

Alabama.

I thought I had a little twang in there.

You sure did.

You can't hide that cuteness anywhere.

Oh, you boys are so sweet.

That was a very nice read.

You're really talented.

Stop, y'all are going to make me blush.

Well, we can't have any of that in here now, can we?

No, absolutely not.

This is a blush-free room.

A blush-free room?

The shit that falls out of that guy's

mouth sometimes, I swear.

You guys are making my day.

I was having such a terrible one.

Oh, no.

What happened?

Oh, no, I am not going to vent to y'all.

No, no, no, do it.

We love venting.

Ignore his tone.

You don't have to tell us anything you don't want to.

Well, I had to take my dog to the vet.

And then on the way there, I got a flat tire,

and then my boyfriend broke up with me.

AUSTIN: Oh, no.

Is your dog going to be OK?

Fuck the dog.

You just broke up with your boyfriend?

Yeah.

Well, I should probably get going.

I've taken up way too much of your time.

No, no, not at all.

Uh, just, um, thank you so much, uh, for coming.

And I hope your doggy gets better.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Doggy?

Maybe Ross is gay.

I hope she's all right.

I hope her douchebag ex-boyfriend

realizes what he just lost.

Yeah, I'd probably even fuck her in front of Ross.

Finally, the moment of truth--

time for my girls.

We're looking to cast "Jenny," the smoking, sexy blonde.

You know the type, the one whose looks and smile

deserve their own slow motion entrance.

All right, guys, this is Lindsay Griffin.

[music playing]

[SINGING] You're beautiful.

I mean, wow.

She is so hot she could be from Venus.

Has anyone ever told you you look like Barbie?

All the time.

Really?

No.

And personality too. I like it.

So you'll be reading as Jenny.

I'll be reading as George.

Feel free to use me as your partner.

Yes, there is a kiss written into this audition scene.

So pucker up, baby, and prepare to lay one on me.

Has this guy ever had someone twiddle his fiddle?

Quick, let's hide in here.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So what are you more upset about, your boyfriend coming

out of the closet or the fact that there's

a killer on the loose?

I don't know.

They're both pretty awful though.

JUSTIN: I think I saved you just in the nick of time.

You did.

I was definitely a goner.

I've never saved anyone's life before.

I guess I'm just a lucky girl.

I feel lucky having saved you.

I guess we're just both lucky.

Yeah, lucky.

Thanks, guys.

Are you kidding me?

We even wrote it in.

Better luck next time, buddy.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Isn't it, I've tried to be alone, to be alone.

Listen, I've tried to be alone.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

I mean, am I not as attractive as I think I am?

Nope.

Don't worry, dude.

There's a lot more coming in.

JUSTIN: I just don't get why I--

Calm down, pipsqueak.

I'll solve your little dilemma.

He's going to owe me.

Hi, and you are?

Kristin.

Kristin, I'm the director.

Now, I'm going to be honest with you.

I'm just not feeling the-- the passion from any of the Jennys

yet.

So what I'm going to really need you to do is really get

into this character for me, OK?

Can you do that?

You got it, dude.

Great, you'll be reading with Justin here.

Owe me big, he will.

I guess I'm just a lucky girl.

I feel lucky that I got to save you.

I guess we're both just lucky.

Yeah, lucky.

Yeah.

[music playing]

I don't do nothing for nothing.

Nice job.

Thanks.

Hey, uh, I got a question for you.

Sure.

Would you be willing to do nudity?

It didn't say there'd be nudity in the casting.

Well, yeah, I know, but, uh, you just seem like the kind

of chick that would.

Seriously?

[sighs]

What the fuck, man?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down, dude, all right?

I've been to lots of castings before.

I was going to get her to take her top off for you.

And that's the last time we let Chase ask questions.

At least I had Parker on my side for the rest.

I hope I don't owe him anything.

[music playing]

[SINGING] No, I've never known just what it means to be alone,

to be alone.

Wow.

That was a really great scene.

I know.

I got really into it.

How-- how was it guys?

Did it look as good as it felt?

Yeah, like a scene straight out of "The Notebook."

[gasps] I love that movie.

Who doesn't?

I don't.

Well, really great working with you, Summer.

Thanks, you too.

Bye, boys.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I'm getting pretty damn good at this character too.

You know, this bloody slumber party idea is

really starting to grow on me.

All right, up next, Jordan.

Oops.

Guys, this is Jordan Holliday.

What the fuck is she doing here?

We called in Chase's ex-girlfriend.

She's not auditioning.

Get her out of here.

Really, Chase?

They should cast me in this.

I'm the biggest name they're going to get.

Katie, please escort that bitch out of here.

Man, you are such a boy.

Katie did some of the casting emails.

I honestly didn't see that one coming.

He said I was the best sex he ever had.

Hm, hm.

What kind of sick joke was that?

Dude, it wasn't on purpose.

It was kind of funny though.

No, man, that sucks.

Actually, it's a good thing.

How the fuck is that a good thing?

Because she saw all these hot girls come in and out of here.

You can use it to make her jealous.

Talking out of my ass, but hey, it could work.

I am sorry though, bro.

No, fuck it.

It's cool.

Let's get my girls in here.

Dodged that one.

All right, let's check out some redheads--

nothing like a good fire crotch.

Hey, Chase.

I've seen almost all your movies.

Cool.

It's a real pleasure to meet you.

I mean, she's kind of a redhead.

But with titties like that, I don't

care if she's a brown head.

Chelsea, you'll be reading Lola,

and Chase will be reading with you as Brad.

Oh, my gosh, you're reading with me.

Same shit, different day.

Yep.

Different day, same shit.

I'm so glad you showed up.

There's a killer in here.

What killer?

Where?

He just killed Abby and ran up the stairs.

Well, then you better stay down here.

I'll go find him.

No, don't.

He has an axe.

But I know karate.

People actually pay him to do this.

Oh, Brad, you're the best boyfriend ever.

I try.

And you succeed.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I should be getting paid for this.

He just killed Abby and ran upstairs.

Well, then you better stay here.

I'll go find him.

No, no, don't.

He has an axe.

But I know karate.

Wait.

What?

I'm scared.

Ah, don't you worry your pretty little face.

I'll protect you.

Oh, Brad, you're the best boyfriend ever.

- I try. - You succeed.

Oh, shit, I almost just kissed you.

I'm so sorry. it's cool, babe.

PARKER: OK, thank you.

Thank you.

Damn, bro, I am jelly.

Can I be you for, like, a day?

Uh, yeah, sure, you know, you can read with the next one.

I got to take a piss.

Sweet, bring me a ginger.

Speaking of redheads, Katie's kind of cute.

Don't you think, Newt?

NEWT: I'd bang her.

[music - theco, "heartbeat"]

[SINGING] Or is it just a heartbeat?

Ryan is a lucky guy.

Hey, Newton, uh, we're just going to move on.

Your girls are here now.

Do you want me to have them come in?

NEWT: Uh, sure.

Hey, Newt, since we didn't sides for your girls,

let's just tell them it's a really

secret part of the script that requires

a really strong scream queen.

NEWT: Uh, OK.

OK.

OK, whenever you're ready, let us hear it.

[MUSIC - LETTER Q, "BOOTY BOOTY"]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[SINGING] Booty, booty, yeah, booty, booty, yeah, booty.

Yeah, I enjoyed that.

Ah, a room full of hot brunettes out there.

I guess that means it's my turn.

It says here you've got lots of improv experience.

That I do.

BEN: Can you tell me a little bit about that?

I love how Ben acts like he knows what he's talking about.

I did improv for over a year.

He didn't ask me a god damn thing about it.

Justin sucked at improv.

There's a reason why he's a waiter.

Well, I'd love to see you do the audition monologue,

but feel free to improv wherever it takes you.

Where are you?

Where are you?

Come and get me.

I dare you.

You've killed all of my best friends.

Show yourself to me.

I think I'm in love.

What?

Are you chicken?

Huh?

I know who you are, Blaine.

Come and get me.

Where are you?

I'm getting dizzy.

Come and get me.

I dare you.

Great, great, that's really all we needed to see.

Thanks.

I'm sold hook, line, and sinker, nail in the coffin.

Sign me up.

I want to eat her pussy.

Thank you so much.

No, thank you.

You're ridiculous.

Did you not see her?

We all saw her.

Was she not oozing with hotness?

Come on, Chase.

I saw you staring.

Wasn't she fantastic?

She was hot.

Somebody take me out of the oven, because I'm done.

I guess in this project, we saved the best for last.

I'm going to go make a little speech.

Save us all little time.

What's he going to say?

My guess it's going to be something about sucking cock.

Or ass play.

OK, I want to make something crystal clear.

This is a gay character you'll be reading for.

You will be required to kiss a guy.

So for any of you cool dudes with a girlfriend who

says you're OK with it but then you end up not being OK with it

during filming, we're going to make you kiss a guy right

here right now in the audition.

It's in the script.

So if any of you cool dudes have a problem with that,

feel free to leave right now.

Gross.

What did you say?

Uh, nothing.

For the record, I'm not excited about this.

OK, let's do this.

Let the good times roll.

Katie, will you please bring the first one in?

Oh, and, uh, I'll be reading with them.

Obviously.

All right, so you'll be reading for Blaine.

- OK. - Ready?

Uh-huh.

You know you want to.

I do.

So then do it.

But I have a girlfriend.

She's not here.

But she will be any minute.

Well, then we don't have much time.

Kiss me.

OK.

Jenny, Jenny, no, it's not what it looks like.

I'm actually a little proud of that scene.

Anyone?

Newt?

No, got it.

That was so wrong.

This whole day is wrong. PARKER: What?

I think he liked it.

Yeah, he looked at his leg.

What are you laughing at, Chase?

I saw that movie you did, the gay version of "Twilight."

Looked like you liked kissing dudes.

Um, it's called acting.

Oh, is that what you call it?

Hey, that vampire movie got me a lot of pussy.

Ugh, I hate that word.

What, pussy?

No, vampire, dumb ass.

All right, this is Nathan.

PARKER: Well, hello, Nathan.

A little piece of me dies as each guy walks in.

So then we don't have much time.

Kiss me.

OK.

I'm not homophobic.

I'm just scared of gay people.

OK, guys, this is Trent.

What's up?

Did I mention I am Team Jacob?

So you're Blaine.

OK.

OK, cool.

You know you want to.

I do.

So do it.

But I have a girlfriend.

She's not here.

But she will be any minute.

So then we don't have much time.

Kiss me.

OK.

[chimes]

Mm, like a sugar cookie.

Hey, Parker, there's one more guy out there.

You want me to bring him in?

I thought there were only three out there.

Well, he just showed up.

Well, fantastic.

Send him in.

This is getting out of contrizzy.

Um, what?

Hello, Parker.

Gentlemen--

W-T-F?

What are you doing here?

What?

I saw your little casting notice.

I thought I'd come out.

You always did promise to cast me in something.

You're not right for this role.

But I'm an actor, a genius actor.

Isn't that what you used to say?

Yes, we dated, but it was a long time

ago, before I was successful.

You shouldn't make promises that you cannot keep.

He was my masseur.

He had the best hands.

In some circles, I'm famous for my hands.

It is truly amazing what that man is capable of.

They're like magic weapons.

But he's possessive, jealous, and scandalous.

He called me scandalous.

You are not auditioning.

What?

Because I'm not a twink anymore?

Uh, what's a twink?

According to homolingo.com, a twink is a boyish-looking young

gay man who is slender with little to no body hair,

often blonde but doesn't have to be,

and who dresses in ultra slim fit attire as if entering

a club or embarking on a hike.

I did not know that.

Fine.

But you haven't seen the last of me.

[music playing]

That dude was cray-cray.

He better cast me in his little movie.

Otherwise, I just might share something with the world.

What, you ask?

Let me just say that we all have our own dark little secrets,

don't we?

Auditions concluded.

And let me tell you something.

This plan is going perfectly, tons of sexy chicks in today,

all totally believing in "The Bloody Slumber Party."

Now we're going to head back to my place to discuss casting.

[music playing]

Thanks, Ross.

No problem.

She was on her feet all day.

It was the right thing to do.

[music playing]

You see what Ross is doing here?

He is kind of like a magnetic force

to chicks with boyfriends.

He's the king of the friendzone.

OK, guys, so I'm thinking to get this plan in motion,

we should all call the person we want to cast.

Shouldn't Katie do that?

Yeah, I am the casting director.

In a real movie, I would say yes.

But in a fake movie, I'm going to say, fuck no.

That's retarded.

Point taken.

And I can't wait to hear Dallas's

sweet and sexy voice again.

While I have everyone's attention,

there is something I'd like to address.

We're not cutting the gay character.

No, no, obviously, it's a great character.

Good job on the script, guys.

I mean, it's really good.

Uh, thank you.

What are you really getting at, cheese dick?

I think--

I think we should make this movie.

Are you fucking kidding me?

That was never part of the plan.

That would be a shitty plan with a shitty movie.

AUSTIN: Hey.

PARKER: What?

It's no masterpiece.

In our defense, we weren't going for brilliance.

Yeah, and it's not like we had a lot of time to write it.

JUSTIN: It's a really good story.

I'm sure with a little bit more time,

we could reorganize the plan.

So we're not making the movie, or we are making the movie?

We're not making this movie, Justin.

What we are making is a documentary about casting

a fake movie, right, Newt?

Uh, that's what I what--

JUSTIN: Shut up, Newt. Come on, guys.

This could be great.

Back to casting, I think I'm going to go with the Jacob look

alike.

Give me two weeks, enough alcohol,

and I'll have him converted.

JUSTIN: Really?

Nobody thinks this is a good idea.

I would rather cut off my balls

and spoon feed them to my mother than direct

"The Bloody Slumber Party" starring Justin

No Name, the career waiter.

Fine.

Well, I want to cast that chick, Summer.

We had good chemistry, and I think she kind of likes me.

She had a lot of air upstairs.

Yeah, I don't think she'll know what's going on.

JUSTIN: Exactly.

And she seems like the type of girl

that would let me throw a piece of bologna in her bare ass.

- My bologna has a first name. - Fair enough.

You can cast whomever you want in this game.

How about you guys?

Oh, that southern belle.

Alex.

Yes, Alex, she was definitely my favorite.

Yeah, you should totally cast her.

No, she wasn't my girl, but I just

wouldn't mind seeing her again.

What about you?

Who's your favorite Asian?

Uh, I don't know.

They kind of all look the same to me.

[music playing]

We're going to hell.

I guess I'll take the really hot one.

Oh, yeah, that one with the amazing juicy cleavage.

Yeah, um, I think her name was Kimmie.

[whistle] [pop]

[chime]

[wah]

Hey, I'd feed her some cumquats.

What about you, bro-ski?

You should cast that redheaded chick.

She was totally into you.

JUSTIN: Yeah, um, what was her name?

I think her name was--

Sure, that's fine.

But she should be an easy lay.

Yeah, sure, I mean, uh, whatever.

I think Chase is still pretty bummed about Jordan showing up.

He hasn't been the same since.

I actually feel kind of bad for him.

Uh, so you guys don't need anything else from me?

No, I don't think so.

We might need you to help us out a little bit with our game

at the party though.

AUSTIN: When is the party?

Oh, I just talked to Johnson.

Hey, little man, any time you want

to bring over a bunch of little hotties,

you're more than welcome to.

When everyone makes their calls,

and they're casting their person,

make sure they can come to the party this Saturday.

Yeah, we're calling it a kickoff

party, a good time for everyone to meet and mingle.

Yeah, and obviously, get wasted.

JUSTIN: Obviously.

Hey, personal assistant.

Assistant director.

Are you coming to the party also?

- Uh, no, we can't. - Sure.

- Oh. - We'll bring the vino.

Awesome, fantastic.

I'm having such a good time on this project.

And none of you guys are worried about pissing these people off.

No, they also get to be in this documentary.

And meet a bunch of great guys.

Well, some of us are great.

All right then, just checking.

I don't know why I didn't think of this idea earlier.

This is Hollywood, the land where magic happens.

This party is going to be epic.

Hey, what's up?

Is this Chelsea?

Yeah, what's going on?

This is Chase Lockwood.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

So I'm calling you because of the audition

you went to the other day.

Hi, is this Kimmie?

Hi, Kimmie, this is Austin.

I'm the writer for "The Bloody Slumber Party."

So the director--

Yeah, it's good to hear from you.

Hi, this is Parker calling.

I'm the director of the movie "The Bloody Slumber Party."

We're interested in you and your, uh, talent.

That's right.

Hey, is this Dallas?

Hey, this is Ben, the producer on "The Bloody Slumber Party."

Hey, this is Justin.

I'm calling on behalf of "The Bloody Slumber Party."

I'm one of the co-producers.

Hey, Alex, it's Ross from "The Bloody Slumber Party."

We're actually really excited about casting you.

That's right. Yeah, congratulations.

We're all really excited.

And meet the rest of the cast.

We would love to give you the part.

We're having a kickoff party on Saturday.

Yeah, we're having a kickoff party this Saturday night.

Oh, you know what?

I'll have somebody email you all the details.

I'll email you the details.

There's going to be a lot of girls there.

Really, really great, we're excited too.

Don't eat anything beforehand.

There's going to be plenty of alcohol.

We're excited to see you on Saturday.

All right, well, we'll see you on Saturday, OK?

- Can't wait to see you. - I'll see you then.

- All right. - Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye. - Later.

OK, bye.

[music playing]

To getting laid.

Hear, hear.

Don't I get a shot?

No.

KATIE: Hey, boys.

ROSS: Hey, Katie.

I'm basically their wingman tonight,

or wingwoman, whatever.

Katie is going to be our liaison.

Dangerous liaison.

I love it.

Guys, I got a surprise.

Flavored condoms?

Close.

I made Facebook and Twitter accounts

for "The Bloody Slumber Party."

JUSTIN: Cool.

I knew there was a reason I hired Ben--

always using his noggin.

I think this justifies the project,

lends a more colorful illusion.

KIMMIE: Hi.

JUSTIN: Hey, girls.

Welcome.

As the girls arrived, I had the brilliant idea that we should

greet them all individually.

[music playing]

And I had the brilliant idea to get

them to like the Facebook page.

[music playing]

Let's get this shit going.

I'd like to welcome you all to "The Bloody Summer Party" cast

and kickoff party.

Woo hoo.

JUSTIN: Thank you.

Thank you for that. I'm Justin.

I'm producing. - Co-producing.

[music playing]

Well, we're getting technical.

I'm a co-producer.

I'll also be playing George.

If we're really getting technical,

you're just a douchebag.

Ladies, I'd like to introduce you here to Ben.

He's the head producer.

Parker, the director, Ross and Austin, the writers--

- Hi. - Yo.

And I'm sure you're familiar with Chase Lockwood.

He's going to be playing Brad, the boyfriend.

[SINGING] We'll make it right. We'll make it out.

I've seen like all of his movies.

And I'm kind of a big fan.

[SINGING] Right now.

And this is Johnson, the executive producer.

Hello, ladies, welcome to the cast, and welcome to mi casa.

Have a drink or seven.

But enjoy yourselves.

I

Want to be Johnson when I grow up.

And as you may or may not have noticed,

Newt here is our cinematographer.

We've already started rolling to capture

some great behind the scenes footage.

We're going to have some great bonus features for the DVD.

[SINGING] You say you're VIP.

That was all me, that idea, that speech.

So don't be shy.

Enjoy the camera and feel free to introduce yourselves.

Hi, I'm Alex.

I'm playing the sweet girl next door.

I'm Kimmie.

Well, I do live next door to someone.

I'm Summer.

I'm playing Jenny.

And I'm the lead, right?

I'm Abby, the slutty one.

Hello, I'm Dallas Mitchell.

I'm playing Brooke, the infamous scream queen and the last one

to survive.

Typecast.

I'm Lola--

I mean, Chelsea.

I'll be playing Lola.

Yes, the lungs of a banshee.

The slumber party's at my house

because I'm the rich spoiled one.

Trent, playing Blaine.

It's my first lead role.

Yeah, I know.

I got to kiss a dude.

I'm super stoked.

Yeah, again.

What's going on, fellas?

This ain't no gymnasium.

We're not holding no sixth grade dance.

[MUSIC - CLAYTON CORKWOOD AND LETTER Q,

"HOLLYWOOD POOL PARTY"]

[SINGING] You think I'm cocky too.

It's a banquet by the pool.

And we're breaking all the rules,

walking by the pool with a bottle full of honey,

looking for some tail like a Playboy bunny.

He's right.

[SINGING] Let me get up on my high horse for a minute.

I know I'd be the best thing. - Uh-oh.

Game on.

Hey, Dallas, can I show you something?

[SINGING] And I'm here for the taking.

I know you like my style, girl. - Um, sure.

[SINGING] Stop pretending.

Because I love your nails, and I want to see you naked.

Hello, ladies.

Hey.

Hi, again.

Glad you both could make it.

It's so fun, right?

[SINGING] Gotta get lucky. - Uh-oh.

We've been spotted, 10 o'clock.

[SINGING] Pool party.

She looks a little nuts.

[SINGING] Hollywood pool party.

Not as crazy as that Kimmie chick though.

[SINGING] I see a hot chick walking quickly

my way like a cop car pulling you over on the highway.

Yeah, I guess.

Oh, here she comes.

Kill it, stud.

[SINGING] Lean it on over for a body shot luge.

Pour it slow but pour it strong.

What's up?

I've got to be totally honest with you.

I'm really, really excited to be working with you.

Sweet.

[SINGING] Take it off.

And I want to see you naked.

Hey, guys.

Hey, little man.

You did well.

Huh?

I think Summer here is just perfect for the lead.

Oh.

Oh, you're so sweet.

I-- I totally agree.

She's got the looks and the talent.

That's what my daddy says.

Perfect.

How long do we have to stay here?

Oh, shut up.

Hey, personal assistant, will you go get Trent and bring

him over here for me, please?

No, I'm good.

Fine.

Katie, will you do it?

Um, OK, I was going to get a drink anyways.

No, uh--

You know, you would look so much better without this hat.

Oh, please don't touch me.

[music playing]

Hey, Newt, so this is where the kickoff party is?

Uh, yeah.

Is that thing on?

Um, be right back.

What do you mean Jordan's here?

What are you doing, man?

I'm in the zone.

What the fuck is Jordan doing here?

She bought it?

Bought what?

I told her we'd cast her in the movie.

We wrote a part in for her.

Why the fuck did you do that?

Hey, to get her here.

You want to get her back?

Make her jealous.

She can't be in the movie.

Uh, guys, there is--

BOTH: Shut up, Newt.

It's a good thing I'm not suicidal.

Dude, you could bang half the chicks here,

especially that Chelsea chick.

Dude, you want to make Jordan jealous?

I'll help you. - What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I'll think of something, a plan.

Now go.

Hey, Jordan, how you doing?

So what's up?

What's my part?

You know, the crazy hot one.

What's the story?

Psychopathic killer slaughtering hot girls.

You mean there's more than one hot girl?

It's just the thing my agent says,

a bug he's put into my head.

It's always important to be the hottest.

Helps you build a fan base.

And you know, I've got like 473,000 Twitter followers.

[chime]

It's kind of like when you're looking at all the presents

under the Christmas tree.

They're all pretty unexciting, but there's always

that one special present, the one with the biggest bow

just can't take your eyes off of it.

I'm that fucking present.

And where's the script?

You know, you should talk to Ross and Austin about that.

They're the writers.

They probably have a copy in their car or something.

See ya.

[music playing]

[SINGING] When people say--

This bench is so cute.

Yeah, I thought so, right?

This place is cool.

Johnson's got style.

That he does.

So you want to see the website I'm building for the movie?

You're building the website?

Well, I am the producer.

I mean, yeah, but not all producers are tech savvy.

I used to work in marketing, so this is just fun for me.

- That's so cool. - Yeah.

How about you?

Do you do anything besides act?

Yeah, I'm an elementary school teacher.

Of course you are.

Why are you laughing?

- Because that's just perfect. - What is?

You are.

I mean, the job is, for you, children.

Fuck.

Wait, now you're laughing.

Probably blushing too.

You really need to put more meat on these bones.

Oh, dude, you are killing me.

What?

I'm just saying.

Don't you think he's too skinny?

I don't know, man.

I'm very uncomfortable right now.

There's a lot of me in this business.

Maybe you're just not cut out for it.

What business?

What are you talking about?

This is a joke. - Hey.

Nah, fuck it.

I'm out of here.

And that is when Ross pissed himself.

Shut up, man.

I was incredibly wasted.

I don't usually get like that.

Hey, it's all right.

We all have our own crazy stories.

- Yeah? - Of course.

Well, it's time for you to tell one then.

Yeah, tell us.

What's the craziest thing you've ever done?

[SINGING] He jumps in the deep end.

Well, this one time at cheerleading camp--

Hey, babe, let's get out of here.

Katie, I need you now.

Oh, just a little longer?

No, I'm going.

You can stay if you want.

I don't care.

JUSTIN: Pretty please?

OK, I'll see you later.

Whatever.

[SINGING] And now I got the middle finger tatted.

What's up with Peter the party pooper?

I don't know.

He hasn't been in the best of moods lately.

Uh, what's up?

Come quick.

I need your help.

And then he was like, oh, my god.

Kimmie, come with me.

[SINGING] Those stars, upside down,

it's like a roller coaster. Don't get--

Johnson, this is Kimmie, the slutty one.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Come take a shot with me and Justin.

We're celebrating.

Celebrating what?

The movie, silly.

It's going to be so exciting.

He's going to be a huge producer, Justin.

Uh-huh.

JORDAN: Hey, guys.

Hey, oh, shit.

Hey.

What the eff is she doing here?

So you're the writers?

Yes, I am.

We are.

Cool, nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm Alex.

Are you in the movie?

Yeah, I play Rachel.

I'm hotter than her, right?

So can I see a script?

ROSS AND AUSTIN: Uh--

Not until the table read.

Right, not until the table read.

Fuck, whatever.

I got to go call my agent.

What is going on?

How's the party?

What?

How's the party?

It sucks.

And so will this movie if it ever even gets made.

Hm.

Hi, guys. Could we sit here?

Finders keepers, get your own bench.

Seriously?

What?

No, it's OK.

You guys can sit here.

I could use a trip to the little girl's room anyway.

Oh, me too.

Great.

Dallas.

- Summer. - Shall we?

We shall.

Way to fuck that one up, punchy.

[music playing]

I bet you can't drink the rest of this flask.

For sure I can.

Then do it.

[burps] Told ya.

Well done.

Man, that Asian has some banging titties.

You know that titties are just big balls of fat, right?

Well, what do we have here?

What are you doing here?

Poor little straight boy, is he trying to get you drunk?

Get out of here, Calvin.

You know he's just going to convert you and then leave you.

Convert me? What the fuck?

He's talking nonsense.

He's hoping to make you gay.

I'm not gay.

Nobody said that you were.

I don't feel so good.

I'm going home.

I'll take you home.

Yeah, and then he's going to tell you he's a masseur.

Nice try, I'm the only real masseur around here.

Those fucking fantastic hands.

Good night, straight boy.

What are you doing here, Calvin?

What?

I saw the event on Facebook.

Hey, I-- I got your text.

What's up? - Oh, good.

I need you to do some more scheming for me.

Great, I love scheming.

That's hilarious.

I can't believe you woke up like that.

I know.

I probably smelled like butter.

Uh, yum.

I'm going to hit the rest room real quick.

I'll be right back.

Yeah, that's a good idea, bro, before you

piss yourself all over again.

Oh, very funny.

Oh.

Uh, you look kind of cold.

Do you want my jacket?

Are you sure?

Yeah, it's totally fine.

Oh, thank you.

I would've never guessed you were so wild.

Oh, I'm just really amped up tonight.

I want to get crazy.

Huh, well, lucky me.

Chase, I need you for a sec.

Get Chelsea in the hot tub in five minutes.

What? Why?

Don't ask questions.

Just do it.

It'll be easy.

I don't know if that's a good idea.

All part of Justin's jealousy plan.

[squeals]

What was that all about?

Uh, nothing.

I don't really like her.

OK.

[music playing]

Yeah, this is bullshit.

I don't even know why I'm here.

Jordan, right?

Yeah, who are you?

Your new best friend.

Huh?

You want a role in this movie, right?

Maybe.

Well, it's the hottest girl part.

OK.

Chase misses you.

He had them create your character.

Meet him by the hot tub in five minutes.

He'll explain everything.

Just cast me in your damn movie.

There isn't a role for you.

Then create one.

- I can't. - Why not?

You're the director.

The story doesn't call for it.

- Oh, the story, tell it to me. - Well, it's complicated.

- Well, tell me. - No.

Then I'll do it.

Don't.

I will.

I'll tell everyone.

- You wouldn't. - Oh, I would.

You know I would.

No.

I will tell everyone that you like country music.

It fits you good.

You just got to put the collar down a little.

Do you want to button it?

[SINGING] As the sun goes down--

Hey, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Ross, I can tell your upset.

You can talk to me.

Fine.

It's Austin.

He's obviously not into Kimmie.

He's into my girl, Alex.

Ouch.

That hurts.

I thought she was really digging me too.

Well, then go there and tell Austin to back off.

[SINGING] Like you don't care.

You don't care.

I can't.

Why, because you're a nice guy?

[SINGING] I won't be there. - Apparently.

Exactly.

Go over there and be a man.

Us girls, we like a guy who gets what he wants.

[music - letter q, "karate"]

[SINGING] Oh, girl, kick like karate.

Show me that you're down to--

What the fuck, Chase?

[SINGING] Oh, girl, kick like karate.

No, Jordan.

Jordan!

[SINGING] Move your body.

[inaudible] your body karate--

Everybody, I would like to introduce you to our newest

cast member, Calvin.

Um, what?

And now I'm going home.

Austin, could I talk to you?

Stay away from her.

[SINGING] Black dress, black belt.

What?

Stop flirting with Alex.

I don't know what you're talking about, bro-ski.

I'm not your bro-ski, bro-ski.

No, I don't think we have insurance.

[SINGING] Oh, girl, kick like karate.

Show me that--

JUSTIN: Ross, don't!

Guys, guys, stop it.

[SINGING] Show me that you're--

Fuck yeah, pool party.

[MUSIC - ALL OUT, "LIGHTS FEAT. XV"]

[SINGING] You say that I'm a loner.

And you're god damn right.

Well, I'm a single man, but you'll be my exception tonight.

You look lonely. I've got you in my sights.

Why the fuck not?

[SINGING] We up north, so you know that I'm

going to show you the lights.

- [screams] - Woo!

Woo!

Remember when I said epic?

Hey, cameraman, don't be such a nerd.

NEWT: Huh?

Get your ass in here.

NEWT: OK.

[SINGING] I make it pour.

Get the fuck indoors.

I got a shovel, three spades, and a shedload of hoes.

You say that I'm a loner.

And you're god damn right.

You know, I'm a single man, but you'll be my exception tonight.

You're looking lonely.

I've got you in my sights.

We up north, so you know that I'm

going to show you the lights.

You might.

I've got a good feeling about this.

Hey, Justin, maybe you should turn that thing off.

It could go all the way.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

NEWT: I wanted to show everyone how you woke up alone.

Yes, last night's kickoff party was the best ever.

No, Summer and I didn't have sex.

But she touched it.

Did she make you cum?

Not exactly.

Then it wasn't a real hand job.

She worked it like she was getting paid.

She did get an acting job out of it.

Or so she thinks.

So now what?

I was going to ask you the same thing.

Did Trent really quit?

Yeah, but he's been replaced with Calvin.

So we're all good.

Long live the fake movie.

What about Jordan?

[sighs] She, uh, won't return my calls.

All right, I'll take care of it.

But I'm going to need a favor from you.

What favor?

JUSTIN: I'm going to need you to call your buddy Bellagio.

We're going to need a hotshot photographer

ASAP for the poster shoot.

[whoosh]

[MUSIC - BRIAN KARR, "AMERICAN LIE"]

[SINGING] My American, All-American girl--

I need you to add more lights, not lines, lights.

Personal assistant?

[SINGING] You know I would.

Yeah, I would lie to the world.

I got a story that I know you will love, oh, oh, whoa.

So here we go.

I can show I'm going to blow you away with my American lie,

anything to get me by.

Nothing's out of line.

It's my American--

I'm here.

Normally I don't do poster shoots, especially something

so B horror and low budget.

Is there something in my tooth?

Yeah, right there, right there.

But Chase and I go back a long way.

And he did promise me an eight ball.

Did I get it?

No.

Hey, bro, thanks for coming.

No prob.

What's up, ladies?

Let's get snappy.

[MUSIC - BOP SKIZZUM, "SO MUCH COOLER"]

So while this Bellagio character

started the poster shoot, I got these bad boys ready--

release forms.

We got to have them signed if we ever want

to release this documentary.

Yeah, I mean, getting the signatures is a little sketchy.

But-- but--

[sighs] I got nothing.

[SINGING] And I'll show your body all the proper love.

I'm so much cooler than your boyfriend.

But on the highway, he's a dead end.

I'm so much cooler than your boyfriend.

Won't you let me, let me be your new boyfriend?

I'm so much cooler than your boyfriend.

How'd you get Jordan here?

I told her we'd re-cast Chelsea.

She's going to be playing Lola instead.

And she bought it?

She's here, isn't she?

Good point.

But so is Chelsea.

You think they know about each other?

I'm going to guess yes.

Doesn't matter who's playing who right now.

Just keep reminding Jordan that she's the hottest character.

Yeah, she likes that shit.

I think Jordan likes the power in spite.

Spite's a cool word.

Dallas is so frickin' beautiful.

This was a great idea, man.

Yeah, and Summer basically already

wants to be my girlfriend.

You know, she'd probably sleep with anyone

who could advance her career.

No way, man, she's way into me.

Sure.

Dude, why are you wearing sunglasses inside?

I'm a movie star now.

Need to start dressing the part.

Right.

Hey, buddy.

What do you want?

Look, I'm really sorry.

No, you're not.

Yes, yes, I am.

Just leave me alone.

Look, Ross, I never meant to upset you in any way.

It's just that I actually have feelings for this girl.

Seriously?

Dude, you know me better than anyone else here.

I've never felt this way about anyone before.

Yeah, well, good timing.

Ross--

[SINGING] I'm so much cooler than your boyfriend.

It's on now, bitches.

[SINGING] So much cooler.

You know it.

I know it too.

ROSS: Uh, hey, Katie, what are you doing?

Staring out the window.

Yeah, I can see that.

Are you OK?

Ryan just dumped me.

What?

What?

I'm sorry to hear that.

He did it over the phone.

What?

Who does that?

Ryan, apparently.

Apparently.

You know, it's probably for the best though.

I mean, he's been a real stick in the mud lately.

A little stick-- little stick.

You deserve better than that.

Thank you.

And I'm here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on.

Or someone to buy you a drink.

Thank you.

But you know, actually, I'm not all that sad.

Really?

Yeah, really.

But I could use someone to get a drink with.

[cha-ching] - You can have Alex.

What?

If she likes you too, go for it.

I really think she does, man.

We have been texting nonstop since the party.

Good, I'm happy for you.

Oh, bro-ski, I'm going to need a hug.

- Later? - Now.

- Later? - Now.

- Later? - Now.

- Later. - OK.

I need to see sex.

[SINGING] I'm so much cooler than you.

I'm so much cooler than your--

I need more sex in your faces.

Nice, nice, beautiful, that's it.

Come on.

Yeah, more sexy in the eyes.

[SINGING] There's no others.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Good, oh, good, now, in the lips, show me sex lips.

Yes, oh, yeah, oh, fantastic, oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah, beautiful, love it, love it, girls.

And I'm out of batteries.

Got to take a 10, hit the loo, and change my pants.

Ciao, ladies.

I wish I was British.

OK, everyone, take 10.

And don't forget to sign the release

form if you haven't already.

Give me that thing.

Yes, ma'am.

Did you type this up yourself?

I did.

Why?

It looks pretty professional.

You would expect anything less?

I mean, these movies usually operate

on a much crappier level.

Well, there's nothing crappy allowed on my sets.

Oh, really?

Yeah, that's just how I roll.

How I roll, really?

That couldn't have sounded cool coming from a Jew like me.

Hey, not to mix business with pleasure,

but when all this is over and done,

would you let me buy you dinner?

Um, sure, as long as it's not somewhere crappy.

She rocks my socks off day and night.

So where do I sign?

Oh, right there.

You know, Summer, Justin's just a co-producer on this film.

I'm the real producer.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

We should totally, like, hang out

some time, talk about your character,

maybe some future projects.

I would love that.

That'd be great.

Poor Justin, someone had to prove him wrong.

Here's my number, right next to the call me.

Thanks.

Hey, Summer, looking great.

Thanks.

Told ya.

Told me what?

She just wants to advance her career, man.

Call me.

That's awesome.

How is that awesome?

Cause it means she's easy.

The way to her heart is through a career.

I'll figure something out.

Is he going for her heart or her vagina?

Just looking out, brah.

Progress in motion.

[train whistle]

[music playing]

Normally a table read is at the beginning of a movie.

But when you're making a documentary about a movie

with a non-existent screenplay, it's

at the end, such as this case.

Dude, what the fuck are you wearing?

- Movie star stuff, you like it? - No.

Oh, but it's OK when you wear it?

Yeah, like a red carpet or premiere, not a table read.

And when I wear that shit, I make it look good.

Whatever, I feel cool.

Hey, whatever tickles your tiny pickle, man.

So this is your place, Ben?

Yes, sir.

Cool.

And who are those people?

I hired some more fake people.

I'm going for theatrics.

I guess I'm the art director.

Hair and makeup.

Someone said the director needed an assistant.

OK.

And that guy?

I'm what you call a second shooter.

I got here in no time and at the right price.

I'm Riley Sacks, the fastest second shooter in the west.

Pshoo, call Riley Sacks anytime anywhere,

and he'll be there with a camera faster

than you can say tumbleweed.

Don't be a jack.

Call Riley Sacks, the fastest second shooter in the west,

very fair prices, premium quality.

Discounts available for product placement.

I told him to focus mainly on my close ups.

[ding]

Hey, guys, what's so funny?

Ross just fell coming up the stairs.

Yeah, I bet you would have loved it

if I fell flat on my face too, wouldn't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I bet.

Those two were making me sick the whole drive here.

All right, let's get this shit over with.

What's the plan?

There really isn't a plan.

Well, Katie's going to hand out the scripts.

But I thought there wasn't a script.

It's for dramatic effect, right?

Right.

Good documentaries require good drama.

All right, well, I have had it with this little game

of a project.

Dude, what is up your ass?

Nothing, obviously.

Oh, I get it--

gross.

You're just pissed because Trent quit.

Oh, I'm over that.

Now I just want to get back on with my life.

The cast will be here in a few minutes.

Wait a minute, guys.

Does anyone realize what we're about to do?

Huh?

We're huge liars.

I like to think of myself as more of a creative concoctor.

It's just a little white lie.

No, no, no, this is big.

This is like a red lie.

There's different colors of lies?

Fuck yeah there is.

There's like 12 of them. - Really?

Yeah.

A pink lie has to do with sex, like

if you make up some story about some slut letting you jizz

all over her face. ROSS: He's right.

Look it up.

And then there's blue, which means--

Stop, just stop talking nonsense.

The girls are going to be here any second,

and we're about to rat ourselves out as fucking bullshitters.

Shit, he's right.

We can't do this. I can't do this.

I actually really like my girl.

Fuck, I do too, guys.

I don't--

So what are you saying?

I don't know.

I don't know.

[heart beats]

Maybe we should actually make this movie.

Oh, hell no.

That's what I've been saying all this time.

No, guys, we can't.

We don't have a script.

Well, we have all these blank ones.

I don't feel good. Fuck.

Fuck, this isn't good. - Calm down.

Calm down. It's going to be OK.

No, no it's not.

[heart beats]

What are we going to do?

What are we going to say?

KIMMIE: I'm here.

I just came to watch the explosion.

[bomb detonates]

I am so glad that everyone was able to make it.

Katie, please, go ahead and pass out the scripts.

Certainly.

No, no, no, no, no, no one open them.

No one open them, not yet.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

OK, everyone turn to the first page, and let's begin.

Yes, Jordan?

My pages are blank.

Yeah, mine are too.

So are mine.

The moment of truth.

That's because there is no script.

[music playing]

What?

Huh?

Um, are we supposed to improv?

I won an improv competition once.

Nope, no improv, no script, no story at all, for that matter.

Um, I don't get it.

There is no "Bloody Slumber Party."

I don't get it either.

We're not actually starting a movie.

We're finishing a movie right now.

And you all were the stars.

We are?

Yep, congratulations, you all have been fantastic.

In fact, you still are.

The cameras are still rolling.

Thank you all very much.

You've done a great job.

Chase, what the fuck is going on?

It's a documentary, Jordan.

I'm going to call it "American Lie."

[rumbling]

[ding]

It's about a group of guys who hold a fake casting

session so we can meet, mingle, and date

the girls of our dreams.

It's like a real "American Pie" story,

sure to be a cult classic.

Yes, Calvin?

Parker likes country music.

Classic.

[music playing]

You know, I never thought this documentary would

turn into a romantic comedy.

But in a weird way, it kind of did.

Although in real life, some endings are good,

and some are not so good.

Hey, Alex, uh, Austin, just--

just, uh, just wanted to talk to you.

Hey, Alex, uh, I just would really like to see you again.

Austin again, uh, listen, it's me again.

Um, just give me a call back when you get this.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Better really take care of me.

JUSTIN: Sucks for Austin.

Alex never talked to him again.

[SINGING] Because I went before this life.

Ben got it even worse though.

Not only did he lose any and all chance

he might have had with Dallas, but she's suing him.

[SINGING] When your light is still shining--

And unfortunately for Ben, he's the sole producer.

He's the only one the lawyers are attacking.

[SINGING] Because your time is rising.

Chase and Jordan got back together.

[SINGING] You got to keep your shit together.

Funny, I thought she'd be the most pissed of them all.

I just hated seeing him with another girl.

Oh, I hated being with anybody but you.

Because I'm the best sex you've ever had, right?

Ah, there's no comparison.

Yeah, man, I've missed your body.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Time to change it all.

Oh, fuck, you make me wet.

NEWT: Uh, guys, guys?

[SINGING] As I'm singing my new song.

How about this cute story?

I'm just glad this little project brought us together.

You're so sweet.

- No, you're so sweet. - No, you're sweeter.

No, you're sweeter.

No, you're the sweetest.

No, you're the sweetest.

Nauseating, right?

And then there's Parker's truth.

Yes, I admit it.

I like country music.

Is that so wrong?

Does it really make me that awful?

I can still be a dark and moody artist any time I want.

So what if I like it?

I love it.

I want some more of it.

And what about me?

What's my outcome?

Let's just say Summer was thrilled to be in my movie.

She really didn't care about "The Bloody Slumber Party."

She just wanted to star in a movie,

and she did, my movie, this movie.

And now she thinks I'm brilliant.

NEWT: Brilliant?

What, don't believe me?

Babe, turn off the camera and come back to bed.

[music playing]

[whistle]

[ding]

[SINGING] I'd like to tell you all an American story.

It starts with a lie or two or three.

The lead man is so very lonely, looking

for a girl or two or three.

The only way for him to score a hottie,

draw up a plan involving old friends.

They cast the perfect girl into a movie

and write in a kiss or two or three.

Oh, it makes me glad for every lad.

It's the day when he learns to score a hottie.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

There's more to the story than meets the eye.

It only started with a single lie.

But sooner or later, it will kill you.

To hell with your soul, you will die.

Hell's no place for your soul to waste,

but you still need to learn to score a hottie.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

If you're of the few who have survived to the lads marching

onward through the night, thank your lucky stars you're alive.

Be sure to treat her and do her right.

And be sure to treat her well and do her right.

And be sure to treat her well and do her right--

in the ass, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hell's no place for your soul to waste,

but you still need to learn to score a hottie.

Oh, it makes me glad for every lad.

It's the day when he learns to score a hottie.

[MUSIC - BRIAN KARR, "AMERICAN LIE"]

[SINGING] My American, All-American girl,

for you, you know I would, yeah, I would lie to the world.

I got a story that I know you will love, oh, oh, whoa, whoa.

So here we go.

I can show I'm going to blow you away with my American lie,

anything to get me by.

Nothing's out of line.

It's my American lie.

Everything I ever need came from a lie.

And I wouldn't have to if I felt you

would really like me for me.

It's my American lie.

The only way to catch a ride, come and take

a ride on my American lie.

[rumbling]

[whoosh]