Original subtitles

Here she is.

What do you think?

Perfect!! Perfect!!

Would she cooperate?

A girl making 50 Hong Kong cents a dance? Of course she'll cooperate.

Now... pay close attention.

Dean's the name, Harry Dean.

May I present Emile Fournier art dealer and connoisseur.

Enchanté mademoiselle.

Won't you sit down?

How would you like to make 5,000 dollars?

Not Hong Kong...

Five thousand United States of America dollars.

That's five... zero... zero...

zero.

Good morning! My name is Dean... Harold Dean.

Ah Sir Harold, welcome to Dammuz.

I am J K Ram, the manager of the Semiramis Hotel.

Good of you to meet us Ram.

This is Lady Dean.

Ah yes, Lady Dean.

I have a car for you Sir Harold.

Ah yes.

- If you will be good enough to follow me. - Yes, now about our luggage old boy.

We don't want to lose that now do we?

Of course not Sir Harold. Your luggage will be sent down to you later at the hotel.

- Thank you very much indeed. - Not at all, Sir Harold.

Are you not coming with us?

No, I've one or two details to attend to.

I shall have the honour to see you later at the hotel.

Connect me with Mr Shahbandar's private telephone immediately.

That is what I said... immediately.

Hello? Abdul?

Sir Harold and Lady Dean sir.

Of course. Good morning sir.

Good morning.

The royal suite is all ready for you.

If you would care to register... Sir Harold?

Where can I cash a traveller's cheque please?

- At the cashiers of course. - Thank you.

- If I may have your passport Sir Harold. - Yes.

Only a formality. We will return them immediately.

Please conduct Sir Harold and Lady Dean to the royal suite.

This way Sir Harold.

"Pictorial's visit to the richest man in the world.

"An exclusive look at the shyest billionaire

"and his exotic hotel-apartment hideaway.

"Several times a year, mostly holidays

"Ahmad Shahbandar, believed by many to be the wealthiest man in the world

"journeys to Dammuz

"and to his exotic penthouse in the world famous Hotel Semiramis."

Sit down, love, sit down.

"While his less exclusive countrymen make merry in the Casbah-flavoured city

"this latter day Arabian knight locks himself into his fortress

"to which only his most intimate associates have ever been invited."

We are going to change all that.

Take a look at this.

That's Shahbandar

twenty years ago.

Now... take a look at the girl.

That's why you're here.

She died a year after they married.

He never married again.

When he hears about you he'll want to see you.

That means he has to see me.

The invitation should arrive any minute.

Come in.

What is it Ram?

A very great honour Sir Harold.

You are invited to take cocktails this evening at 6 o'clock

in the apartment of Mr Ahmad Shahbandar

Oh? Who's he?

Ahmad Shahbandar? He owns this hotel, sir.

He owns most of Dammuz.

Oh he does, does he? Well fancy that now.

Well yes, I suppose I can fit him in.

Can you occupy yourself my dear while I have a drink with this... Shah chappie?

Oh no Sir Harold. The invitation is also for the Lady Dean.

Most assuredly for the Lady Dean.

Oh really? All right then.

May I then come to collect you at ten minutes to six sir?

Ten minutes to six it shall be dear boy.

4279 please.

Hello?

Oh hello, it's Harold Dean speaking.

It is me, Emile.

Have you made the delivery?

Yes, I have made the delivery.

Thank you, goodbye.

You must bear in mind at all times

this image of his wife is Shahbandar's lifelong obsession.

For 20 years he has never looked at another woman.

All he has ever wanted was a facsimile of her.

Remember that.

That'll be Ram.

One last thing.

At 11.30 no matter where you are, no matter what you're doing, leave it.

Go to the airport. Be there by midnight. The plane leaves at 12.30.

Come in.

Ten minutes to six Sir Harold. Mr Shahbandar awaits your presence.

We're right with you dear boy.

Sir Harold, Lady Dean, if you'll follow me.

- Lead on dear boy! - Thank you so much.

There is only one entrance to Mr Shahbandar's apartments

through his personal elevator

which was brought all the way from Paris in his own personal aircraft.

Then as you can see he has his own personal bodyguard.

If you'll be so kind, Lady Dean... Sir Harold.

If you will permit me I shall now send the lift.

This mechanism is a little slow

but I believe we shall arrive with perfect punctuality.

One moment. I've dropped my cufflink down the lift shaft.

Goodness gracious! Well I shall get it later sir.

Not later dear boy, now.

Mr Shahbandar does not like to be kept waiting.

And I don't like to walk about half naked.

Why am I being kept waiting?

Try to be patient, effendi.

The British aristocracy insist on arriving too early or too late but never on time.

And while we are waiting would you care to make a decision about the Buddha?

What?

I promised him an early reply.

How much?

Only $5,000, extremely inexpensive.

All right all right buy it.

It has to be down there somewhere, doesn't it?

Don't worry Ram, we'll find it.

Ah... very nice.

Very nice indeed.

How many Rolls does Mr Shahbandar own?

Three sir: This one, the black one there...

and a new white one.

And how does one move these cars in and out of here?

In the usual manner sir...

through the door.

That is the door.

Goodness gracious! It looks more like a safety curtain.

Here is the cufflink Sir Harold. It was quite undamaged.

Good! I knew we'd find it.

Shall we go now, Sir Harold? Lady Dean?

Come along darling.

- Could you fix this for me dear boy? - It would be my pleasure Sir Harold.

- Thank you. - You are most welcome Sir Harold.

- Ah! Sir Harold, may I present to you... - Ah, Mr Shahbandar!

I am Mr Shahbandar's secretary.

I am sorry.

Welcome Sir Harold... m'lady.

This way please.

Darling?

If you'll just make yourselves comfortable Mr Shahbandar will here in a moment.

Thank you.

Sir Harold, how kind of you to come.

How do you do? May I present my wife?

Please be seated.

May I offer you some refreshment? Perhaps a little champagne.

That'd be splendid.

Aren't you going to join us?

We are not permitted alcohol.

I expect you're wondering why I wanted to meet you.

The thought had crossed my mind.

I presumed you wanted a chat about the world oil situation.

A remarkable thing has happened.

You might even call it a... miracle.

I don't know quite how to...

how to explain it.

You have a very beautiful wife sir.

Have you been married long?

Four years.

You are fortunate.

I was married for only one year.

It was a wonderful year but...

it passed so quickly and then she was gone.

May I show you something...

- something quite extraordinary? - Certainly!

Please come with me.

Always interested in seeing something extraordinary.

This is my office and library.

This way please.

I must say Mr Shahbandar you have some beautiful things.

This for instance.

Chinese, isn't it?

That's right yes.

You see?

This bust is of the Empress Lissu.

She was born in Burma 2,300 years ago.

The daughter of a Burmese mother and a Greek father.

She married the Emperor of China when she was 12 years old.

I believe I gave the highest price ever for a work of art but that is not important.

You see I had to have her

because the face of the Lissu...

is the image of my late wife

and now...

you understand now what I meant...

by a miracle.

It's incredible!

It's absolutely amazing!

At the risk of appearing bad mannered Mr Shahbandar

I wonder if I might have another glass of champagne.

- Of course. - Come darling.

Indeed, now that you realise why I wanted to meet your wife.

I hope you'll have more than a glass of champagne.

I'd be greatly honoured if you would dine with me.

Now take Hutton. There's a cricketer for you.

They knighted him, you know. Jolly well deserved it too.

Most people, you know, think cricket is solely for the Australians and the English

but let me tell you this Shahbandar

the West Indians are playing better than we are at the moment.

I don't think they'll beat the Australians. They are dedicated sort of chaps.

Goodness gracious! It's ten o'clock.

Nicole my dear we really must be going.

Going? But...

Must you really?

- It is early. Could I not persuade you... - Things to do Shahbandar, things to do.

I have to call London, might even have to call New York dammit.

I'm afraid your trip to the Arab quarter has been knocked for six, my dear.

I had promised Lady Dean a tour of your city

but I'm afraid I don't have the time right now.

Well it's been a delightful evening and we've thoroughly enjoyed it.

Come along darling.

Sir Harold I hope you won't consider it presumptuous...

I'm not quite sure how to suggest this but...

I would consider it an honour and a privilege

if you would allow me to show Lady Dean our beautiful city.

That's very kind of you Shahbandar but it's far too much trouble.

But I insist, please. With your permission of course.

Ah...

Very well then and thank you for your generosity.

Well I suppose that just leaves me to say goodnight.

Thanks awfully for a wonderful evening.

Goodnight darling.

Oh and please bear in mind that Lady Dean does value her rest.

Don't be too late darling.

Toodle-oo!

There's a ticket to Hong Kong

there's a passport made out in the name of Lady Dean to get you out of here

and there's $5,000.

Your plane leaves in 15 minutes.

Goodbye and thank you for your cooperation.

And that's the plan Emile, down to the very last detail.

It can't fail. It's absolutely foolproof.

If it works the way you think it will work.

It works. They'll write us up in books. We'll be historical.

What do you know about her?

Her name's Nicole Chang.

French-Canadian mother, Eurasian father.

- Displaced person. - Stateless.

What makes you so sure she will cooperate?

Instinct Emile, instinct.

Emile Fournier, art dealer and connoisseur, may I present...

I wanted you to follow me.

So you did.

Well why are you standing here?

I thought you wanted to dance.

No no, I want you to meet this friend of mine.

Oh he wants to dance.

- Is he shy? - No, we want to talk to you.

No kidding! What about?

Well it's about...

Let me put it this way: If you would do me the honour of accepting my invitation.

I assure you we will tell you.

Now since you put it so gallantly Mr Dean I can hardly refuse, can I?

You're so very kind.

Emile Fournier, art dealer and connoisseur, may I present...

- Nicole Chang. - Enchanté mademoiselle.

- Enchanté. - Vous parlez Français.

No not really. Just a few phrases.

I know one German limerick.

Yeah, will you sit down... please?

Sorry.

Is there any particular subject you'd like to talk about?

How would you like to make five thousand dollars?

Now that's a terrific subject.

I happen to be perfectly serious.

Serious is as serious does Mr Dean.

Then I will ask the question again Miss Chang.

How would you like to make five thousand dollars?

Very serious American dollars.

And a genuine guaranteed British passport.

What would I have to do?

Oh nothing too difficult.

Slide into some beautiful clothes, travel in first-class luxury

be entertained in top-notch style

pretend to be my wife

Oh... pretend?

Yes.

Just pretend

Miss Chang.

What's the catch, Mr Dean? Is it dishonest?

Do I look like a crook?

You do a little.

Right here on this side of his cheek

a kind of crooked indentation all the way up to his eye.

Yes you do look like a crook.

But then again you can't tell the crooks from the good guys any more can you?

I mean with all the secret stuff going on.

Genuine guaranteed British passport?

Then I'll do it.

This way to immigration please. Watch your step.

Immigration this way please. Will you please step this way?

I thought you said there'd be a Rolls Royce.

It'll be out front.

Do hurry please, you are holding up the line.

This way to customs please. Have your baggage checks ready, thank you.

Thank you.

This way to customs please. Have your baggage checks ready.

I happen to be Sir Harold Dean. Isn't there some way of avoiding...

It's an international custom Harry. Everyone has to do it.

Will you wait for me by the exit darling?

Yes Harry.

It is forbidden to take tips, effendi.

It's not a tip dear boy, it's a bribe.

That's quite another matter.

I shall move you through very quickly and have your bags taken directly to the taxi.

No need for a taxi dear boy. There'll be a Rolls Royce waiting for me outside.

Do aeroplanes bother you?

No.

When you go from air travel to ground travel it can affect your equilibrium.

My equilibrium is fine thank you.

You're not still mad because I wore this dress instead of the red one, are you?

It is better for travelling...

Yes, you explained all that at Hong Kong airport.

So I did.

Well I met this Norwegian ship's captain once... I think he was from Oslo

and he had a theory about motion sickness, something to do with

the relationship between your vision and the weight of your shoes.

He said he made a study of things like that.

Isn't it interesting how some people get attracted to things?

You know, I've come to realise in the past two weeks

that you're a very difficult man to know.

I wish we'd come by boat.

I say, would you tell Mr Ram that Sir Harold and Lady Dean would like...

Step to the Reception desk sir. They'll take care of you there.

Well if I were you I'd send it direct to his company.

I say.

Yes, sir.

My name is Sir Harold Dean.

Why wasn't my limousine at the airport?

Sorry, it is no longer the policy of this hotel to send a limousine to the airport.

All right. Get me your manager Mr Ram.

Mr Ram is not with us any more sir.

I suppose you do have a suite reserved for me.

- Yes of course. - Oh really.

If you'll be good enough to register please.

Thank you.

My key to room 325 please.

I shall be needing your passports Sir Gerald.

- It's Harold, with an "h". - Oh yes of course.

816 and 7.

This way sir.

Is something else missing Harry?

No, nothing.

- Thank you. - Shukran.

- Thank you. - Shukran ya seede.

Harry, it's like a palace!

I never thought I'd be standing in a place like this.

Don't you think it's a palace too?

Yes.

You know what it reminds me of? Mrs Peonski.

Did I ever tell you about Mrs Peonski?

I should think so. You told me about all the other chaps.

She's not a chap. She's an old woman. She came from Poland on a cattle boat

and rode all the way from Burma to Thailand on an ox.

Ah here it is.

And all she had with her was a small paper sack.

Full of soap I hope.

4279 please.

Will you play a little quieter Nicole?

Nicole!

Whenever I think of Mrs Peonski I appreciate luxury more.

- I'm going into the bedroom now. - Promise?

Yes, 4279 please.

Hello Emile?

Who is this?

That call is for me.

Hello?

Operator, would you get me 4279 again please? I think there's been a mistake.

It can't possibly be busy.

Would you please keep trying?

There's only one bed in here, Harry. Where are you going to sleep?

Sleep? Nobody's going to sleep anywhere.

If things'll start going properly we'll be outta here by midnight.

Midnight? D'you mean we came all this way just to leave at midnight?

That's right.

Oh I think I'm entitled to know a little more of what's going on, don't you?

Funny you should say that.

I do think that you are entitled to know a little bit more of what's going on.

Now, here is part 2 of your instructions.

This magazine's ten years old.

Turn to page 41.

Oh! Look at the funny hats they wore then Harry and the hemlines...

Never mind the hats and hemlines. Turn to page 41.

37... 38...

41.

Right now. Take a good hard look at that man.

I'm taking a good hard look.

His name is Ahmad Shahbandar.

Ahmad Shahbandar.

And he's the man we're here to meet.

He's the man we're here to meet.

He also happens to be the richest man in the entire world.

Harry! There's no such thing as the richest man in the entire world.

It's like the highest stars...

All right, the second richest man in the entire world

- the 27th, what difference does it make? - You don't have to get mad at me.

Your mind's always going off in some sort of tangent.

If it's not one thing it's another.

A ship's captain from Oslo or your Chinese nurse with a wooden toe

or Mrs Ponskiwonski's paper ox.

It's not Ponskiwonski, it's Peonski and it wasn't a paper ox, it was a paper sack.

I can't help it if my mind takes a tangent every now and then.

Well it's driving me round the bloody bend.

All right all right.

So you've made an appointment with this richest man in the entire world, is that it?

If you will read the magazine as I ask

you'll see that it does not make appointments

because he is a recluse.

Well then why does he want to see us?

A recluse doesn't see anybody Harry.

That's why... that's why.

Who is this? His wife?

Was his wife. She's dead.

You made me look like this dead lady.

Exactly! And when Shahbandar learns about you we will be invited to meet him.

Between now and midnight?

Yes.

And then what?

Whatever it is Harry

if I were the richest man in the world I certainly wouldn't fall for this.

Well you're not and he will, and when he does you just do as you're told

and listen to the instructions I'm about to give you.

You understand?

Yes Harry.

I have already taken care of Oriental Steamship, yes.

They agreed to my price.

Fifteen million... I know.

Any time.

Fifteen million for Oriental Steamship?

Ahmad... you're a genius.

Hardly Abdul, hardly.

You won't forget the Buddha Mr Shahbandar.

Hm?

The Buddha from the Frenchman Fournier.

You remember him. He did an excellent reproduction for us a few years ago.

How much?

Five thousand.

Quite reasonable.

Perhaps too reasonable.

I'll think about it.

Arlette would you mind leaving us for a moment?

No Abdul, if I were a genius I would understand this.

I would understand exactly why this particular face...

has arrived at this particular hotel.

They flew TWA from Karachi. They have a 48-hour visa.

The man is 30 years old, born in London and he was wearing an Etonian tie.

This is too good to be true.

Imagine my reaction when I first saw her in the hotel lobby.

The resemblance is absolutely astounding.

It's like magic.

Perhaps too much like magic.

Have them watched.

Yes Ahmad.

And at 11.30 no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing, leave it.

And at 11.30 no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing, leave it.

Go to the airport, be there by midnight.

Your plane leaves at 12.30.

I'm supposed to drop everything no matter where I am.

That's right.

Is that all you're going to tell me?

That's all you have to know.

Now just follow your instructions and retire gracefully, right?

Yes sir.

Hello, this is Sir Harold Dean.

Twenty minutes ago I asked you for 4279. Now where is it?

Would you mind hurrying please?

Come with me.

Lady Dean has retired gracefully and is unpacking.

Will you come with me please?

- Why? Where are we going? - We're going to find Emile.

Emile? I thought he was in Hong Kong.

No, he's here. Will you stop asking questions?

It's only human to be curious Harry.

Yes well as far as I'm concerned you're far too human.

Vous restez ici quelques minutes pour moi.

Merci.

Ahem.

Ahem.

Harry...

I have the funniest feeling...

- Harry? - What is it?

You're not one of those spies who gets blown up, are you?

- Whaddya talking about? - We're being followed.

You at it again? Who's following us? Aunt Minnie from Manchuria?

I don't know their names but they've been behind us ever since we left the hotel.

Are you sure?

They are fingering trinkets at the purple booth.

Purple booth?

Why is it that people who follow people always end up fingering trinkets?

I don't know, but they're fingering trinkets all right.

Come with me.

Nicole?

Nicole?

Hello!

Could I have a drink of something please?

D'you know you've been gone 20 minutes?

D'you know you have very nice eyes for a man who never smiles.

- Where you been? - Moving in and out of car doors

D'you realise what sort of place this is?

You could be bought and sold for half a crown.

- Are you worried about me? - Not at all.

I was worried about losing those two men.

That's where you weren't being tricky enough.

I let them follow me back to the taxi.

I got into the back seat of the taxi and I told the driver to drive away.

They got into their car and followed the taxi

only they didn't suspect that I've been to the cinema many times

and knew to crawl out of the other side of the taxi before my driver even left

which means that their car is still following my taxi.

I forgot to tell you, I found Emile.

You what?

He said please tell Harry everything is all right, I have made the delivery.

I don't know what it means but it must be very good huh?

You are the most infuriating person I have ever met in my life.

But Harry! My drink, I'm thirsty!

The message desk please.

This is Sir Harold Dean. Are there any messages please?

"May your stay in Dammuz be all you have ever desired"

Harry Dean, you are a major confusion to me.

- Are you absolutely sure? - Absolutely.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

I never would have thought you were the type to send a lady flowers.

You're one of those people who lives in spurts, aren't you?

Spurts?

I know all about it.

It has to do with emotional contradiction. A psychologist tried to explain...

Don't you ever simply come to the point about things?

Well the point is simply...

I find it touching that you sent me a bouquet of flowers.

Rule of thumb... Always read both sides.

Compliments of the management.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sor...

Sir Harold Dean?

Yes?

Oh, thank you.

"Mr Ahmad Shahbandar requests the pleasure of the company

"of Sir Harold and Lady Dean to luncheon at one..."

Luncheon?

I don't want to go to luncheon, I want to go to dinner.

"At the Osiris"... what the hell's that?

I don't want lunch at the Osiris. I want to see his apartment.

Something else gone wrong Harry?

No no, everything's fine thanks.

Then why are you standing there like a wounded basset hound?

Oh yes yes, very helpful, very.

All I'm trying to say is I know what it's like when things don't go right.

Maybe I can help you Harry, if you'll only let me try.

Look, I happen to have a foolproof plan

and the only way you can help me

is by doing the right thing when you meet Shahbandar.

Speak when you're spoken to, smile if he makes a joke.

Always use the right knife and fork

and if you don't know which one to use watch me

and never under any circumstances talk about your psychologist

and his emotional contradictions. Understand?

Yes Harry.

Lady Dean, I'm Ahmad Shahbandar.

- Sir Harold. - How do you do?

I'm so pleased you were able to accept my invitation.

My pleasure. Always ready to discuss the oil situation.

- I presume that's why we're here. - Oil?

Yes.

Ah yes of course. A favourite subject of mine.

There is nothing like discussing a favourite subject

with someone from the old school is there?

So true.

Who was headmaster in your day Sir Harold?

Headmaster?

Of the old school... your Etonian tie.

Ah yes, er... what was his name now? Nasty old chap. Name began with an "m".

What a perfectly lovely setting for luncheon Mr Shahbandar.

Thank you. Shall we be seated?

Lady Dean? Sir Harold.

You know Mr Shahbandar, you are not at all what I expected.

No?

No, I expected a monocle, a fez

and a high fancy collar perhaps. You're nothing like the pictures I've seen of you.

What you speak of is the public Shahbandar or was.

I discovered early in life, Lady Dean

that newspaper people prefer to think of rich men as eccentrics.

I encourage that fallacy and manage to retain my privacy.

Chinese?

Yes, Ming Dynasty.

- Are you fond of amber Sir Harold? - Yes I've always been fond of amber.

Then you must know what the Chinese say about it.

Oh yes. How does that go now?

Amber is the soul of the tiger turned to stone.

Why do you fly the multi-coloured flag Mr Shahbandar?

Is it a special occasion?

A very special occasion.

Not only are you my guests, but it is the feast day of Ali Hadjj.

Perhaps you know the legend.

It's the story of a young boy Ali Hadjj who was given 3 wishes.

His first wish was for good health, his second for great happiness

and the third was for great wealth I suppose.

- It always is with these wish things. - Not always Sir Harold.

Ali Hadjj considered health and happiness all the riches he required

and so he gave his third wish to the people

that all who are in Dammuz on this day today should have one wish come true.

Even our guests may have a wish.

What a perfect day to have arrived in Dammuz.

Have you made a wish Mr Shahbandar?

Not yet, but I will.

You Sir Harold. Have you a wish for today?

Well I suppose I shall have to give that some thought.

What a careful man you are.

Lady Dean.

Yes, yes I do.

I've just thought of something I'd like to wish.

I wish that the public Mr Shahbandar

would permit my husband and myself the honour

of a further glimpse of the private Mr Shahbandar.

We understand that your apartment is magnificent, don't we Harold?

Quite.

My apartment?

Yes.

You wish to see it.

Could we?

That is a wish I can easily grant any time.

Well... what a lovely day.

"Dean... Sir Harold Everett 6th Baronet OBE JP born 1892."

Bit elderly for our man I should think.

"Dean, Sir Harold Bingley Roger KCB KBE Lieutenant General retired."

Read on.

"Dean, Sir Harold de Vere Morgan KCMG British Ambassador to the Netherlands."

Well, so much for his title.

I doubt if he's listed in any other record books either.

Certainly not at Eton.

He's an impostor.

Obviously.

Well what does he want?

At the moment he wants to see my apartment.

Go and fetch them Abdul. I've invited them to tea.

Ahmad, what on earth for?

Come come! Have you no sense of... curiosity?

This couple have staged an elaborate and no doubt costly production for my benefit.

I wouldn't dream of missing the second half of the performance.

The performance? Or her?

You must occasionally leave me my little secrets, Abdul.

Go and fetch them.

- Your cufflink Sir Harold. - Thank you.

Is there something that puzzles you Sir Harold?

No, it's just that I imagined it would be quite different.

Thank you Abdul. Different?

Well as a matter of fact it was different, yes.

I remember a few years back in a moment of weakness

I permitted an American magazine to photograph it all.

As soon as the pictures were published I completely redecorated.

The private Mr Shahbandar versus the public one.

Partly yes.

In any case contemporary furnishing gives a better setting for my art collection

of which perhaps you have heard.

I chose this room for my paintings. You will find a somewhat varied selection

from the chiaroscuro of the Dutch masters

to the symbolic fantasy of Chagall, Matisse... Picasso.

Yes, very nice, very nice indeed.

Is this your entire collection Mr Shahbandar?

No, I have other things in other rooms.

You approve Lady Dean?

Oh, very much.

It's one of his earlier paintings, isn't it?

Yes it is.

Ah, interesting.

Picasso... and one of his best I always think.

Er... oh, the blue period.

Yes, 1906.

Was it 1906 or was it 1907? No, I think perhaps you're right. 1906.

I must congratulate you Lady Dean on your knowledge of Art.

Thank you.

One rarely sees so many originals. They must be worth thousands.

- Hundreds of thousands. - Yes.

And you Sir Harold. Have you any special favourites?

I beg your pardon?

Have you any special favourites?

Ah well it's difficult to say.

I really must confess that my great weakness is sculpture.

- Is it? - Yes.

Then we have something in common Sir Harold.

My greatest treasure is a piece of sculpture.

Oh really?

Would you care to see it?

It would be nice, wouldn't it?

Remarkable, isn't it?

Remarkable.

I mean the likeness.

Yes, it's really quite extraordinary.

An almost unbelievable coincidence.

I thought it would surprise you.

It did me, when I first set eyes on you Lady Dean.

This is the Empress Lissu.

It is said that Marco Polo found her in China and brought her to Rome.

She is the most magnificent example of early Chinese art.

What are you thinking?

Thinking?

I mean what do you think, Lady Dean, about my most prized possession?

I'm stunned.

They said when the Empress was alive

there would never be another to match her beauty

nor her purity

and yet it seems that...

Is it very valuable?

Priceless, yes.

My friends believe I paid such an enormous sum for it

because of its uncanny resemblance to my late wife.

Aren't you afraid of it being stolen?

Not really, Lady Dean

although her original owner is supposed to have kept 100 guards

to watch over her day and night.

Stretch out your hand, Lady Dean, as if to touch her.

My hand?

Yes.

I'm so sorry to have shocked you.

You can release the doors now.

You see, Lady Dean

in this modern age a simple electronic device is all the protection necessary.

See those little lights round the edges?

Each is an electronic eye that sends a ray down to these receptacles on the floor.

I love gadgets.

This one isn't particularly ingenious but it's good enough, don't you think?

At the risk of appearing bad mannered Mr Shahbandar

I wonder if I might have a drink.

But of course. Please.

It's difficult to tear oneself away is it not Sir Harold?

Practically impossible.

Now what may I offer you Sir Harold?

A little cocktail or something stronger? Lady Dean, some tea?

I won't thank you. We've taken quite enough of your time already.

- We should be going Harold. - You have an engagement?

No hurry, darling. We're not catching any trains.

I'll have a whisky and soda please and I'm sure Lady Dean would love some tea.

Good.

Milk?

Thank you.

You know, Lady Dean, I have not yet made my wish for Ali Hadjj.

It is my wish that you will both be my guests for dinner tonight.

I'd love to show you our city especially today in its most colourful moment.

Impossible, I'm afraid. I'm expecting some important telephone calls this evening.

I see. Pity. It seems that my wish cannot come true.

Yes, it is a shame. Cheers!

Oh now, wait a minute!

You can have half a wish.

There's no reason why Nicole shouldn't enjoy herself.

- Perhaps Lady Dean would... - Nonsense!

She'd love to go with you, wouldn't you, Nicole?

You've made my wish come true Mr Shahbandar.

I'd be delighted to do the same for you.

Thank you Lady Dean, I'm honoured.

Now I think I will have a drink.

Sir Harold, to whatever you may wish for yourself today.

I've got him! I've really got him!

I held out the bait, he bit and I hooked him.

As for you, you were absolutely marvellous, much better than I expected.

Fancy you knowing all about Matisse, Chagall, the Dutch masters

and their Blue period and all that.

You're great. Absolutely great.

As for that stuff about the Chinese jade and the proverbs

I don't know how you thought of it all.

I bet you do know all about dragons don't you?

What's the matter with you then?

I asked you right at the start if this job was honest and you said yes.

On the contrary: I said do I look like a crook and you said yes

so I took it for granted that you knew it wasn't exactly honest.

I didn't expect tea at Buckingham Palace but I never dreamed you'd think of

getting me involved in something like stealing that statue.

If you're gonna break the law you might as well do it properly.

And what do you think you're doing?

Leaving.

Oh really?

I don't like being lied to and taken advantage of

and I don't like crooks.

We made a deal remember? I'm paying you $5,000 for this.

A lot of good that'll do me in jail.

Nobody's going to jail. I've worked it out perfectly.

It'll have to work perfectly without me.

If I'm as terrible as that why did you accept Shahbandar's invitation...

Me accept it? You didn't give me a chance to refuse.

And while we're on the subject, don't you underestimate him.

Or me! A lot of money's been spent on this operation

what with aeroplane fares, hotels

most of my clothes, all of yours including that dress.

You can have them all back including the dress I'm wearing.

Besides I'm saving you $5,000 by leaving.

So after all this time and all I've done for you, you're leaving me in the lurch.

I'm getting out of here as quickly as I can. If you had any brains you'd do the same.

I'm not leaving. If you don't want to fulfill your obligations that's just too bad.

I'll do it alone.

And put those hangers back.

I'm sure I have something for you.

I have this.

No, no, no, that's too big.

We have this.

How about this?

Is this for sale?

Yes it is.

I'll take that.

Would you wrap it up for me please?

I'll take these as well.

Here you are, sir. Lighter fuel.

Yup. Do you have lighter fuel in a glass bottle?

Yes, bottle? Yes.

Bottle, sir.

That's it. How much is that?

Two francs.

You said you were leaving.

I have a dinner engagement.

I thought you'd changed your mind about dinner.

I changed it back again.

Oh? Why?

Because when you come right down to it

I can't bear the thought of you spending the next 20 years in an Arab jail

even though you are a crook.

D'you know, that's the nicest thing anybody...

ever said to me.

I don't doubt it.

If you're going to have dinner with Shahbandar

why are you wearing that dress with your hair down?

This is my dress and I like it

and I think Mr Shahbandar is going to like it and the way I've done my hair

whether you like it or not. Do you understand?

I like the way you look, Nicole.

Thank you.

Mr Shahbandar's compliments, my lady.

Exquisite.

If I may say so Lady Dean your husband is very foolish

to be so dedicated to his work.

My husband is an ambitious man.

With him his work comes first.

And the idle shall benefit.

You must forgive my not offering you a cocktail

but I thought you might wish to see something of our city before the sun sets.

Oh I'd like that.

Then shall we go?

No... this way please.

I have a few surprises for you first.

Speaking of surprises

I thought it rather strange you didn't know of the likeness between you and my Lissu.

Is there any reason why I should have?

Perhaps not.

Your husband seemed to know. He took it so calmly when I showed him the Lissu.

My husband never shows his emotions. He's English you know.

Ah yes, of course. The English.

Now this room will interest you.

It's unique of its kind.

As you already gathered this afternoon Lady Dean, I have a passion for gadgets.

Are you ready?

Am I ready for what?

Watch.

We are going up one floor.

I'm so disappointed Sir Harold isn't with us.

I'm sure he would have liked seeing the city in this way.

Business affairs so often prevent us from really enjoying ourselves, don't they.

You don't mind flying, I hope.

But of course not. You must have flown thousands of miles with your husband.

Hundreds of thousands.

Thank you.

Mr Shahbandar's apartment please.

This is Sir Harold Dean. Could I speak to Lady Dean please?

Oh she has. All right, thank you.

Oh by the way, does Mr Shahbandar own a helicopter?

Oh he does.

What you see now is something of a potpourri of past and present.

There is so much to become acquainted with here.

Is there a chance your husband's business

will keep him in town longer than he thinks?

Oh no, I don't think so. Perhaps we'll stay longer next time.

I hope you will.

We're going to land over there by those trees.

I have a car waiting to take us to the old quarters where the festivities are.

It is always like this on the feast of Ali Hadjj.

Everybody's happy hoping his wish will come true.

Buy a scroll, effendi, buy the scroll of Ali Hadjj

to bring much luck and good fortune to you and to your lady.

Luck and good fortune to you

and of course to Sir Harold.

Lady Dean, may I present Colonel Salim? Colonel Salim, Lady Dean.

How do you do?

I asked Colonel Salim to join us

because I thought your husband would be happier if we were chaperoned.

No one could make a more suitable chaperone than the Colonel.

He's our Chief of Police.

Oh really?

How interesting.

Salim and I have been friends for years. We have many interests in common.

He also shares my enthusiasm for gadgets.

In fact it was he who helped me to perfect all those little electronic devices

to protect my paintings and sculpture.

One of these days we hope to test them out.

Don't we, Salim?

If you'll excuse me for one moment I'll be right back.

Hotel Semiramis please.

Fire! Fire!

There's a fire! Quick! Quick! Look!

There's a fire there, look.

Get the extinguisher. Come on quickly.

Harry?

Harry?

Harry.

What are you doing in Shahbandar's bedroom?

It goes up and down.

- What does? - The bedroom. It's one of his gadgets.

- It goes all the way to the roof... - Why are you dressed like that?

- I just left Shahbandar in the rest... - Shhh!

I sneaked out and got ready to leave. He's planning some dreadful trap for you.

There's a fire escape out here. We can get out this way.

If you think I'm going to pack it in now you must be mad.

Harry, be sensible. He'll be here any minute.

Shut up!

You'll never get through there, Harry.

If you're so determined to go through with this why don't you let me help you?

I can get through there now.

You sure?

Go on then.

You're a clever girl and I love you.

Get out. I'll meet you at the airport.

To the airport please.

Very bright.

Bring them back.

Thank you very much.

Just a minute. There are police everywhere.

We can't leave together. Here's your ticket and passport.

They'll never recognise you on your own. I'll meet you in Hong Kong.

- What about you? - Don't worry about me.

I'm taking another route. It's all been arranged. See you.

Go on!

Go on!

20 francs please sir. Airport tax.

Immigration is to your left, sir.

Passport and ticket please.

Which is your luggage Miss er... Chang?

No luggage.

That will be 10 francs please.

Airport tax.

Immigration is over there. Your plane will be leaving in 15 minutes.

Through that door. Have a good trip, Miss Chang.

One moment, Miss Chang.

Good morning.

You look a little different this morning.

Come and sit down.

I trust you slept well.

You must forgive my not waiting but I breakfast rather early.

There is fresh fruit and juices, coffee and rolls.

Strange, is it not, how we spend time with people

and still can't be certain what they are really like.

So many of us posing as one thing

in reality being something quite different.

Your young man for instance

fashioning himself as some sort of clever high-society burglar.

He didn't play his part very well, did he?

He got away but he'll be caught.

While you have been sleeping

my people in London have been learning precisely who and where he is.

One telephone call to Hong Kong

can have Mr Dean shackled and flying back here within a few hours.

However...

as I...

as I took you and your friend rather too lightly and played a game with you

and lost

I'll put off making that telephone call.

Instead I have decided that you will go on to Hong Kong

and tell Mr Dean that unless my Lissu is returned

he will be apprehended and punished for his crime.

Punished severely, I assure you.

That's all I have to say.

Perhaps reading this dossier will be an inducement for you

to help put an immediate end to this ridiculous crime spree of his.

Thank you.

Goodbye... Nicole.

The Lissu will now always remind me of you

when I get her back.

- Where the devil have you been? - Oh Harry!

I've met every plane for the past 48 hours.

Listen to me.

- A message from Shahbandar. - Forget Shahbandar.

You can't forget Shahbandar because he's not going to forget you.

- Forget Shahbandar. - You must send the head back.

- I can't send the head back. - Well you must.

Shahbandar knows you're here and has people watching you now.

- I didn't steal it. - Don't joke with me.

I am not joking with you. I didn't steal the head.

You don't seem to understand.

He can have you shackled and flown back on a plane to Dammuz within the hour.

I'll bet you $5,000 and a British passport that I didn't steal the head.

"The smile of the Buddha covers a multitude of sins. Stop.

"Shall we call it a draw? Harry Dean."

It arrived a few hours ago.

Now look.

There's nothing inside. I've checked.

Welcome back.

You know, Salim, I don't consider myself an unintelligent man

but for the life of me I can't understand

why they should go to all this trouble and expense

in order not to steal it.

The answer is very simple.

We needed the publicity

and we got it

all over the world.

Publicity? For what?

I'll tell you.

Two years ago, for insurance purposes,

Shahbandar commissioned Emile to make a copy of the Lissu.

Now Emile is something of a genius when it comes to copying the work of others

so does he stop at making one copy? You bet your life he doesn't.

He makes a second copy.

A reproduction that is so perfect it is impossible to tell it from the original.

It is my finest work.

I found clay 2,000 years old in Mongolia.

I used the same tools, the same method of baking as they did in ancient times.

Every art expert in the world will believe that this is the original.

And what happens when Shahbandar announces he has it back?

We have 3 definite offers from people who don't care what Shahbandar announces

because they believe that Shahbandar has a copy and this is the original.

Who thought up this whole idea?

He did.

Who paid for it? Who financed it?

He did.

Of all the nasty, low-down, underhanded, despicable tricks

you're not even honest enough to be crooks.

Now hold on a minute.

You hold on a minute, Harry Tristan Dean.

You've done your best to turn me into a thief

now you'll turn me into a swindler.

Maybe you'd like to lead a life of crime but count me out.

- Who told you my name was Tristan? - I know lots about you.

Nobody knows my name is Tristan.

Your father's name was Eric, mother's name was Mary

you grew up on the London docks and ran away from home at 17 to join the navy.

You've never been married. You had your tonsils out...

- Who told you my name was Tristan? - It was in Shahbandar's dossier.

You won the pingpong championship during the Korean war.

You've never been in jail and never even been arrested

so this is probably your first crime.

There's lots more I'd like to know about you Harry Tristan Dean

but if you insist on this ridiculous crime spree what's the point? Excuse me.

Nicole! Stop!

What for?

I'll show you something.

I'm sorry Emile.

I suppose this is the end of a... beautiful friendship.

Well, I'll help pay for the cost of everything.

Goodbye.

Forgive me if you can.

I do love you.

Come on.

I'm sorry Emile.

It's for the best.

I'm sure you can find something honest to do with all that Mongolian clay.

Emile Fournier speaking.

Yes. Come at once.