Original subtitles

Good morning, Pops!

Why're you grinnin', Dee?

Did they come up with pork chop flavored Bubble Yum?

No, I know what today is!

I hope this is a day you pay your ta-ab!

I can use that $2000.

[Dee laughing]

Today's your birthday!

I just love birthdays.

The presents, the cake, the balloons..

- Oh, shut up, Dee. - Oh?

I don't care about no birthday, least of all mine.

Only tell you that you one year closer to the grave.

Oh, you don't like birthdays.

No, why?

No reason. Gotta go.

[tweeters blowing]

(all) Surprise!

[noise maker tooting]

Stop it!

Happy birthday, pop.

Here's to the big five-O

half a century.

Twenty-six hundred weeks on this Earth.

Eight whole decades!

- Pops! - Come on, pop.

Come on, what's the matter, man, where you goin'?

Look, boys, I'm sorry you went through all this trouble.

- But I don't like birthdays. - For real?

Man, I just thought you was usin' that as an excuse

not to get me and Shawn birthday presents.

No, I just hate to be reminded about my age.

Come on now, pop, everybody gets older.

Yeah, even Chris Cross just turned 28.

No, no, son, you don't understand.

The men in our family don't last long.

That's the same thing Tasha said.

[scoffs]

I didn't know that was hereditary.

You don't understand, son.

- Men in this family age fast. - 'Oh.'

Uncle Ross had arthritis at 56.

Cousin Earl lost his hearing at 50.

And Uncle Jesse had a heart attack and died at 52.

Yeah, but, pop, that's 'cause he was tryin' to run away

from the cops with a piano on his back.

Pops, age is a state of mind

and you're the perfect picture health.

You don't have anything to worry about.

- Yeah, that's right. - Yeah, pop, look.

You still got your hair and most of your teeth.

Yeah, ahem, and, pop, I bet you still got

that six pack, brother.

Ha ha!

Damn, that's a 40 ounce.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful guys, dynamite.'

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Shawn, man, I'm really startin' to worry about pop.

I mean, he's really getting obsessed with the old-age thing.

I want a lot of room around the shoulders.

See, I don't wanna feel restricted.

Let me take some more measurements.

Okay.

See, look, he's fine.

He, look, he's even splurgin' some money for a brand-new suit.

This is not a suit, this is my coffin.

Now remember I want the lining

on my coffin to be 100% Rottweiler fur.

You see that, this is what I'm gonna get.

Oh, man, that's cool, but I like the Eddie Bauer package.

Man, I wish someone would kill me right now

so I could die in that thing.

What happen?

Yo, pops, I can't believe you're still trippin'

about this agin' stuff, man.

Look, it says right here in this article.

Accordin' to this article, the average person

lives to be at least 77 years old.

But actually, Shawn, that's the average age of women.

See, for men it's five years younger.

Well, 72, you still got plenty of time.

Oh, well, that's for white men.

The black men, you gotta take off another seven years.

Well, 65, that's-that's still ain't bad.

Well, that's for black men who don't drink.

So who gets the TV set?

I'm sellin' it to buy my coffin.

Come on, pop, don't be ridiculous.

Now you stop talkin' crazy.

I've been wantin' that TV since I was five years old.

Morning, I got the mail.

Hey, look, pop, here's somethin' that'll cheer you up.

It's a letter from Cousin Linny.

Probably a birthday card.

Boy, if anybody can cheer me up, Cousin Linny can.

- 'Hey, that's crazy.' - Yeah, Linny is funny.

Oh, total mad, funny, he should've been

on "The Ed Sullivan Show."

Yeah.

"Dear, Pop, Cousin Linny is dead."

[laughing] Cousin Linny!

Ooh, Linny.

I don't feel so good.

Dead man walkin'.

Damn, kid, we got a lot of problems.

Yeah.

I know, man, but don't worry about it.

We're brothers, we're gonna get through it, alright?

So, you change his diapers and I'll wash his privates.

What?

Well, I think, I can come up

with somethin' better than that.

You wanna wash his privates?

[instrumental music]

(Pops) 'Wait a minute, wait a minute.'

What are we doin' here?

Pop, relax, man.

We're just gonna have one drink and one dance

and then we'll take you to your doctor's appointment.

Yeah, alright.

Look at this place. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah.

Look how close they're dancing.

- Uh, pop, they ain't dancin'. - Oh, yeah?

Yo, say brother, you mind if I cut in?

Okay, I'll just watch, it's cool.

Look, all the gyration is-is makin' me dizzy.

You know what I'mma do?

I'mma get the hell out of here.

- Sure. But it's open bar. - Hmm?

Give me a glass of your finest pink Champale.

Stirred but not shaken.

Give me a beer.

[upbeat music]

Look at him, Marlon.

He looks miserable, man.

Yeah, well, he ain't the only one.

I'm miserable too.

How am I suppose to scoop any honies if they know

I'mma look like that when I get old?

- Hey, Shawn! - 'How you doin'?'

Well, how come you haven't called me?

'Cause you ain't got no phone.

Marlon, you remember our home girl

from, uh, soul train dancer? We shared a box lunch one time.

How you doin'?Enchante.

Know what I'm sayin', word up..

Alright, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Dion, can you do me a favor? - What do you want?

Can you go up there and dance with my father?

I mean, he's feelin' really depressed

and I just wanna cheer him up, you know.

Please!

Sure, you know I'd do

anything for you, babe.

Even massage his little brother

with cold bacon grease?

Almost anything.

...turkey grease?

Okay, what happen?

Hey, I'm Dion, wanna dance?

You talkin' to me?

Yes, I am. Would you like to dance with me?

Well, I don't know if I should.

I'm old enough to be your baby's daddy's baby's dad.

You know, you better put those away.

You'll liable to put somebody's eyes out.

Just one dance, please.

Uh, I-I'll dance with you.

[upbeat music]

Hmm-hm.

That perfume you got on, it's familiar, it's..

Is it Charlie?

No, it's called Foreplay.

Ooh.

I bet your wife would love it.

No, she'd want me to get right to it.

[upbeat music]

(Dion) Oh-ho!

Hey, that's the kind of flow. What you call that?

Boy, this here..

...is called the pay dance.

Don't try this at home.

You got to know what you're doin', look at it.

[Dion moaning]

- Alright! - Why don't you try that?

That's right!

'Oh, okay.'

[instrumental music]

- Whoo! - Man, kid.

I...am beat!

So am I, man! I'm tired.

But, yo, takin' pops out to that club

last night was worth it, man.

- 'Yeah.' - He was so happy.

You seen that look on his face?

He was happier than a skeezer at a rap concert.

[laughing]

Yeah, I know, man, but the funniest thing, Shawn

was seein' him dance.

- Did you see the white shoes? - Oh, my God.

The way they were skippin' like this.

Like some rhythmic tic-tacs.

Oh, man, yeah, I knew that was gonna work.

I knew all we had to do is take pop out for one night of fun

and he'll be right back to the old pops.

'You're right, you're right.'

[knock on door]

Yo, it's open.

What's the diddy, yo?

- Pops? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Chillin' with you brothers made me realize I still got it.

Come on, let's bounce outta here, man, let's bounce!

[instrumental music]

Come on, man, let's bounce outta here.

Let's go out easy for cheesy..

...up in his trees-y for bees-y.

Yo, man, where you get these clothes?

You look like the Grinch that stole hip hop.

I know, you feelin' better and all--

Better? I'm funky fresh.

Dressed to impress and ready to party!

[laughing] You rock!

Why you killing my gear, man?

You brothers showed me that being young

is just a state of mind.

So what I did is, I closed the diner early

went down to the mall, and had them lace me up, dawg!

[rapping]

Hey, yo, man, y-you look stupid.

Stupid fresh!

Look at this, man!

Yo, those are new white timbos!

Yo, I'll be rockin' those, pop. Those are dope.

Now, look, boys, instead of sittin' around cold nappin'

you understand... We could be out clubbin'.

Yeah, yeah, yee!

- Yeah, yeah. - Yee!

Yeah, yay, you know what?

I like you, I like yourestilo.

You know, we're gonna go out tonight.

We're gonna go back to that club today.

- Word up, word up! - I like yourestilo.

Gimme some back. Hey, hey, hey!

What's wrong with you, man?

You know what, you really are cool.

We're goin' out tonight.

I'm gonna introduce you to my boys, this is comedy.

Well, I'm gonna go shake the spot.

No, hold on a second, hold on.

Run D.M.C., now?

You gotta go down to the diner tomorrow

and open up for your customers.

I ain't checkin' for them, you know what I mean?

- Yeah! - We got do somethin', kid.

We gotta do somethin'. Now, listen, check this out.

Here's the plan, here's the plan.

Now, we gonna take pops out again tonight

and we're gonna just run him ragged.

We're just gonna wear him down.

He ain't gonna be able to hang out two nights in a row.

That way he'll be right back to his old self again.

His old self? I like his new self.

Yo, Shawn, look, the old one smelled like

feet and Hai Karate, okay.

I like this one better.

Marlon, look, you better listen to me.

Now, either we do this or we're gonna be stuck

with hip-hop pops for the rest of our life.

Can you believe pop closed down that club every night this week?

- Tell me about it, man. - He is off the hook.

I thought for sure he'd stop goin' to clubs

'after he woke up next day butt naked in the house.'

Oh, sure.

Pops can't be that bad.

♪ Yo my name is Pop ♪

♪ Rippin' to the beat box when the beat drops ♪

♪ You know I'd never stop better call the cops ♪

♪ Somebody give me some pop ♪

[beatboxing]

Can you believe him?

Yeah, look at 'em over there hoggin' the mic.

Let me get some of that.

♪ Hey yo I'll make 'em fall like Niagara ♪

♪ Hey yo Pops I don't wanna blow your spot ♪

♪ But I know you use Viagra ♪

♪ Now I'm gone ♪

♪ 'Cause this mic smell like puff in the morn ♪

♪ I'm passing to Shawn ♪

♪ Yeah one one two one two one two yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yo my name is Shawn ♪♪

Now, everybody get the hell outta here.

Hey, yo, Marv?

See you at the studio with my peeps.

Maybe we can get DMX to put some new lyrics on my track.

- Alright, Pops. - Yeah, brother, yeah.

Hang on, pops, man. This is gettin' outta hand.

We need to talk to you.

Word?

Well, now, pops. This is serious.

- Can I be on your album? - 'Shut up, man. Shut up.'

Get out of the way. Get out of the way.

[clicks tongue] You see.

Hey, yo, pop, man.

You startin' to act immature.

I mean, you keepin' crazy hours..

...nobody knows if the diner's open or closed

and you even messin' up all the food.

How can you tell?

'Cause he's losin' some of his oldest customers.

Why don't you chill, dawg?

Stop stressin' me, B.

Them ol' customer don't even know what day it is.

Yo, disco a day keep the doctor away.

Pop, you got the saying wrong.

It's a Snapple a day..

...keeps the doctor away.

Stupid.

Shawn...you were the one

that told me to start acting young.

Thanks to you, I got my thing going again.

But, hey, Pop, I didn't mean for you to start

neglecting your responsibilities.

Oh, I see it now.

You tryin' to play hate me.

Shawn, don't hate the player, hate the game.

Yeah, Shawn, he got a point there.

Even Master P said it, so you know it's true.

What're you talkin' about, pop?

Oh, you're mad that little

pretty sweet thing Dion

rather be with me than you.

Ha ha! Come on.

You think that Dion likes your little froggy behind?

I got the digits, punk.

I got thedigits!

Not that I'm gonna use 'em.

But this sure gave me some sweet dreams. Ha ha.

♪ My name is Pops with a beep beep bop ♪♪

Man, we gotta do something, Marlon.

Yeah, I know. He keep this up, he gonna lose his business.

Well, he already lost his damn mind.

- Uh, ha! - Come on, man.

He actually thinks I'm jealous of him

because Dion wants to hang out with him?

First of all, Dion ain't all that.

And who wants to hang out with her anyway?

With that crazy ex-boyfriend of hers.

I know, ha, if pop ever ran into that thug

he'd know how good he had it when he was old, huh.

Wait a minute.

You just gave me an idea.

- I did? - Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I-I knew that.

Try to assist you and help you out.

[instrumental music]

So, sugarfoot

what moves you gonna show me tonight?

I'm showin' you all the moves I got.

Except for the bang here.

[music continues]

Marlon. Marlon!

Okay, okay, alright.

Now you sure your boy's gonna show up?

I told you Shawn, he'll be here.

Do you know how many people of my acting class

are looking for work?

Now trust me. Dave will be here.

- Dave? - 'Yeah.'

Dave don't sound like no intimidating name, Marlon.

You can't threaten somebody with a nerdy name like that.

Hey, you better watch your back, pal

or my boy Myron's gonna kick your ass.

- Look, man. Hey, look. - 'What's the deal, man?'

Hey, it's the-the most intimidating

you gonna get for $50.

Now, Marlon, you make sure when Dave gets here

that you remind him to act like he's Dion's boyfriend.

And to start some beef with pops.

I know. Trust me, Shawn. He'll be fine.

He'll be here.

He's wearin' a black shirt

black jeans, a black skully.

He got black eyes and he got yellow teeth.

[music continues]

Man, look at pops.

Yeah, I know. I'll be damned if he pull more girls than me.

I'm gonna walk around this club and cop some free feels.

(Marlon) 'Scuse me. I'm sorry.

'Scuse me.

'Scuse me. Oh, 'scuse me again.

Yo, can I speak to you for a minute?

Yo, old man! Can I talk to you for a minute?

I'm not teachin' tonight, young dawg.

Come back Thursday like everybody else.

I'm not here for no dance lessons, man!

I wanna know what you doin' here with my girl!

Uh..

I told you. I ain't your girl.

[music continues]

Good luck, bro. Ha ha.

Ooh. What's up, Dave? Ha!

Don't be askin' me no questions, fool!

What...was that?

Don't be asking me no questions, fool!

"Don't be asking me no questions, fool!"

That's supposed to be scary? Come on, Dave. Come on, man!

You wanna be hardcore! You wanna be tough! It's like this.

Don't be asking me no questions, fool!

You don't know me, son! No.

Don't be asking me no questions, fool!

- You don't know me, son! - You don't know me!

- Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah.

Like that! That's much better.

- That's all? - No, yeah, come on, man.

What're you gonna do with this coat, pant and shirt?

Come on! What gangs do you know goes to church?

Come on. Take this off, okay!

Come on. Here you go. Let this show. Let the belly show.

That's just great! Come here. Man, we gonna make you hardcore.

This is the new hardcore.

Oh. That's it. Just like that.

And you oughta put this down like this.

Yeah. This is hardcore. One eye, one eye showing.

- One eye, one eye.. - Yeah, like that.

Like that, make it a cock. Go like this. Like that.

- I'm whore! - Yeah, now you the whore!

- Whore! - You whore!

- Yeah! Uh.. - Yeah!

Yeah, yeah..

I love playin' the tough guy.

[sighs] But I'm so nervous, man.

- You ready? Alright. - Yeah.

Right, let's-let's go do this. Let's do..

I told you, I ain't your girl!

- So back off! - You better lower your voice.

You better get out with all that BS.

Oh, you think you're buff 'cause your shirt sleeves are cut off?

Why don't I just leave you two alone?

I mean you better shut up, you crusty-ass old man!

Whoa. Snap, yo, pop!

You gonna let Malik Yoba talk to you

like that in front of your peeps?

Oh, son, he's a little angry. Let's let him cool down.

Cool down? Pop, come on now.

Young people don't cool down

they get their scrap on.

- Ooh! - That's right, punk.

Let's do this!

- Shawn, what am I gonna do? - Pop.

Now you're the one that always told me

"Don't hate the player, hate the game."

Now get on up in the game.

- Go on. Go on, pop! - I'm a..

I'm a lover, not a fighter!

Man, you ain't nothin' but a punk.

And you about to get knocked out!

Oh! Not in front of my peeps!

In front of your peeps.

- Oh! - Oh, snap, pop!

- Did you hear.. - Yeah.

I heard what he's done said to you!

- Did you hear that thing? - Oh!

I don't know, I don't know, pop.

Walk around, walk around, walk around.

- Walk around! - I gotta walk..

Walk around. Shake it off, pop.

- Oo-o-oh! - Yo, pop, shake it off.

- Shake it off! Shake it off. - Ooh!

[indistinct chatter]

'Scuse me, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Oops, 'scuse me. I'm sorry.

'Scuse me. I gotta get through. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Coming through. What's up, man?

Yo, man. Your boy, Dave, is pretty good.

Oh, you must have saw my Crystal Pepsi commercial.

Uh, what's Bismarck doin' here?

No, Shawn, this is Dave.

-That's - Yeah.

Wait a minute. Now if you're Dave, then who..

Look, son. I don't wanna hurt you.

Don't you write a check that your bookie can't cash.

See what I mean, done?

Huh? You about to get smoked.

Off up in here.

No..

- Cu-caw! - So-o!

- Just settle down. - That's right! That's right!

You're about to get your butt kicked!

- Hey, you mind? - That's right!

- Just settle down. - Will you stop it, boy?

Oh.

Now, punk, you got a problem with my pops?

You got to get through me first.

- Through him. - What?

Ow!

That ain't right.

[squealing] Ow!

What's up, big man? You want some too?

- Huh? - Now, that's not in the script.

Nobody hit my boys but me.

- Look, Snoop Dogg. - Where?

Oh! Why did you have to hit him?

You animal!

Come on, baby.

[grunts]

That's right. Let's go home.

You boys alright? Come on, get up.

- Urgh! - Oh, well..

- Is he gone? - It got crazy around here, man.

- Is he gone? - Yeah, he's gone, son.

Woo! It's good he left, son!

He's lucky! I was about to go crazy on him, pop!

He don't know me, son!

He don't know me!

I don't even know me, yo!

For real.

[instrumental music]

Well, pop, I'm impressed man. That was pretty fly.

Where did you learn to punch like that?

Billy Blanks class?

[Pops laughs]

No, son, actually, me and Black Belt Jones

used to get our afro done at the same place.

Well, pop, I'm really impressed with you, man.

Uh, you can handle yourself. I didn't know that.

Yeah, pop, you really down by law.

Word up, son, you know what I'm sayin'?

[indistinct chatter]

No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

You young people are crazy!

All this drama!

I miss sittin' at home listenin' to Al Green.

Eating Thunderbird Jell-O cubes like I used to.

'Look, I'm 50.'

I've been blessed to be 50.

Well, pop, no matter how old you are

we love you exactly the way you are.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

That's right. Just the way you are.

Old, stank, and crusty.

Don't make me take my belt off.

- Pop, you ain't got no belt on. - Yes, I have.

I've been saggin' all night. Look at that.

- Ugh. - Ew! Oh, man!

Wait a minute, who's that?

'Hey, yo, pop, it look like'

'somebody stealin' your style, man.'

Just what I'm lookin' at. Look at this.

Hey, cowboy, you got to be darin' to steal my moves.

- Come on, pops! - Yeah!

Here, pop, here, pop, here, pop!

- Pop, pop, pop. - Wound up. Go ahead, son. Go.

Pop, pop, pop, sugar. Pop, pop, sugar. Pop, sugar. Pop..

- Go ahead, son. - Pop, pop, pop, sugar.

Pop, sugar, pop, sugar, pop.

Pop and sugar, pop and sugar. Now slide.

- Slide. - Takin' it back, cowboy?

Pogo stick, pogo stick. Now pogo stick.

Pogo stick, now jump rope.

Jump rope. Jump rope. Kill the roach.

Kill the roach, kill the roach, kill the roach.

Chase the rat, chase the rat, chase the rat.

Chase the rat. Now kill the roach

and chase the rat, and stay on top. Yeah, pop!

(Shawn) Look out, Marlon.

Say cheese!