Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

So, Shawn, what time are you leavin' for Philadelphia?

Eight o'clock.

What're you going to Philadelphia for?

Oh, I'm goin' to this little entrepreneur convention

to come up with couple of ideas for my business.

Well, I should be goin' too. I got some ideas.

Come on, pop, how many times I gotta tell you?

Nobody wants a 8-track Walkman.

Yo, what's the dilly, people? Hey, guess what.

Agent just called. I just landed a part in this big war movie.

- What? - Whoa.

[indistinct chatter]

A brother in a war movie. What's it called?

Leavin' Private Leroy?

Here you go, boy. Here's your slingshot.

You go fight the Germans, we'll be in the tank.

Ha ha ha. For your information I should play this soldier

who saves his whole troop.

- Ooh, you playin' a hero. - Yeah.

That could be a big opportunity for you.

Yeah, well, actually I'm kinda nervous

'cause the last guy that had the role got fired

'cause he wasn't convincin' as a soldier.

Huh, and you are? Come on, Marlon.

In order for people to believe you are the soldier

you gotta be strong, tough and masculine-lookin'.

You know, like Dee.

[laughing]

- Yeah. - That is not funny.

I am a lady and I'll bust

anybody's head who says I'm not.

- Alright. - Okay, Miss Lady..

Hey, Marlon, for real though, if you really wanna

rip this part, you should go to a real military base

and do some research.

Man, Shawn, that's a great idea.

Yes, son. You can even take my car, here.

- What the hell is this for? - To get the boot off.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Gimme a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite'

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

(Dee) 'Marlon.'

That is the fifth military magazine you read this morning.

Oh, Dee, I don't wanna embarrass myself at the base.

It says here that all soldiers should have

a war face. How's this?

Here you go, son, I forgot to give you the keys.

Oh, thank you, pop.

And here's the direction to the base.

Now, you talk to my old war buddy

Sergeant Pattisson, he'll take care of you.

Thank you, pop. Man, I'm excited.

Hey, you think they'll let me fly a submarine?

Now, hold on, Marlon, people in the military

take their job seriously.

They risk their lives everyday.

Pops is right, Marlon.

Don't go down there and do nothin' stupid.

Come on, Dee, I'm just gonna go down there and be myself.

That's what I mean.

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

Eh, hey, there, Captain Crunch.

I'm lookin' for Sergeant Pattisson.

He retired last year. Can I help you?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, you could.

How you doin'? I'm Marlon Williams.

I star in a show called "Everybody Loves Everybody."

I play, uh...Lucius!

Oh!

I carved every one of those!

Dang, brother, you need a hobby.

I'm sorry, um, uh, let me help you out there..

What're you doing? Please don't. Leave it.

Okay, um, I'm-I'm-I'm starrin'

in this move, right?

And it's about the military.

And I wanna study your troops

so that I can become a real soldier.

You know, I wanna be mean and ugly like..

...like this guy right here.

That's my wife.

My bad. The goatee kinda threw me off.

Uh, any.. I'm sorry, let me just make all this up to you.

Let me hook you, spit shine on your Timberlands.

What are you doing?

[mumbling] All comes to the spit..

You got to come up in here where the acid is..

...through the urethra..

[snorts]

Look at this spit shine on that.

If you don't get the hell out of here

I'mma put my foot so far up your behind

you gonna have to open up your mouth to tie the laces.

[imitating] "Tie the laces."

That's the attitude I'm lookin' for, that was great!

Now, if I could just study that for a couple of hours

I'll be fine, see, 'cause unlike most of y'all

I actually graduated high-school.

Look, I do not allow civilians on my base.

- So get out of here. - Well, hook a brother up.

Look, my father is a veteran. His name is John Williams.

Come on, he served with Pattisson.

Isn't there somethin' you can do?

Wait a minute.

- Williams? - Affirmative.

The cook?

Well, if you wanna call him that.

Yeah, yeah, well, I served with him myself.

We have quite a history together.

Oh!

Runnin' hoes in Beijing, huh?

[speaking in Chinese]

So you wanna get a little taste of army life?

- Yes, sir! - I can't hear you!

- Yes, sir! - Are you sure?

As sure as your breath smells

like bowel movement, sir!

Alright.

I just need to see your John Hancock.

Okay, if that's what you guys do..

I meant your signature, fool.

Oh, my bad, wrong Hancock.

That's the Herbie.

It's for insurance purposes.

Oh, you wanna ensure the Herbie. Most definitely.

- Here you go. - Alright.

- So when do we start? - Right now, maggot.

Hey, man. I ain't no maggot.

You the one who asked to see my Hancock.

[gasps] Whoo!

That was about a ten-mile hike.

For a minute there

I didn't think you guys were gonna make it.

I'll tell you one thing though.

I really liked those songs.

♪ Soldiers aren't scared to death ♪

♪ We're just scared of Scully's breath ♪♪

One, two, three, four. Break it all down now.

- One, two, three.. - Hey, hey, hey.

You know, usually we don't have to walk this far.

But I think you upset the sarge when you

filled up his canteen.

Hey, man. Canteen, latrine..

I had to go to bathroom, right.

Besides, I ain't up on all that military terms.

Yeah, well, you should be, 'cause those terms

establish respect and discipline among the ranks.

Hey, hey. Orale Holmes!

[speaking in Spanish]

Wow, you really into all of this, huh?

Hey, I live for this. Right?

Military is gonna be my career. Just like my forefathers.

Wow, you havefour

Your mama a freak!

I need to get me abarricua.

- Marlon. - What's up?

I'm serious.

I believe in defending

and fighting for democracy.

I ain't fighting for Dammaxi.

She owe me five dollars.

All in for inspection.

What-what are we doin'? What's happenin'?

Just a general inspection to keep us on our toes.

- Shut it down there, Lopez? - Sir, yes, sir!

[imitating Lopez] Sir, yes, sir!

You know, Lopez, when Martin Luther King

freed the slaves

he also freed the Puerto Ricans.

You are a disgrace to this unit.

I bet your family found you

in a pile of fly-infested dog feces.

[imitating] Dog feces!

I like that. Can you repeat that line?

"Fly-infested dog feces!"

What are doing out of my formation?

Drop and give me 50!

I would, but I'm all out of cash.

I meant push-ups.

[grunts]

(Sergeant Scully) What's the matter? This shouldn't be so hard

'for a tough city boy like yourself, huh?'

It wouldn't be if you didn't have that

orthopedic shoe on my back.

[groans]

Look here, Major Payne.

I got to get out of here, I think I've learned

all I need to learn about bein' all that I could be.

Thank you very much. Hey, Lopez.

Astak-delahoya-baby.

- Williams! - Yeah.

If you don't get your butt back in this formation

I'll make you regret your father ever met your mother.

Sergeant, believe me he regrets it already.

Peace, y'all. Hey, GI Jane, stay up.

Wait, hey, get off me, get off me. Hey, get off me.

Y'all know me. I'm crazy. Get off me!

I drop the bomb like Nigoshima.

Get off me, boy.

Yo, tell these idiots to put me down, sarge.

They don't know me, I'm from Brooklyn, yo.

So you still think they're idiots, huh?

At least they know the difference between

insurance forms and enlistment papers.

What do you mean, sour mouth?

You signed the enlistment papers.

For the next four years

your ass is mine.

[instrumental music]

[telephone ringing]

Pop's Diner. You kill it, we'll cook it.

No questions asked.

Fool, where the hell is my car?

Pop, you got to help me. I'm in big trouble.

- You got to help me, pop. - Now, now, calm down, son.

Just calm down, tell me what happened.

- I'm here for you. - Okay.

Well, pop, it all started when I came down here to the army base.

Hold on, son, there's another call comin' in.

- Pop's Diner. - Yo, pops, it's Shawn.

Shawn, I can't talk to you right now.

Marlon is in some kind of trouble, just hold on.

Let me find out what's going on.

- What's wrong, son? - Well, pop.

Some army sergeant made me enlist for four years.

Well, did you talk to Sergeant Pattisson like I told you to?

Pop, Pattisson retired. I talked to Scully.

Scully? Oh-oh.

Pop, I don't like that oh, oh, that's the same oh, oh you said

when you dropped that rat in the chili.

- What does that mean, pop? - Uh, hold on, son.

Shawn, your brother done done it now.

- What? - The fool got enlisted.

- Four years. - He did what?

Well, you tell him, he's still responsible

for his half of the rent, he signed the lease.

I'll sue his ass.

Shawn, you gotta get back here quick.

We gotta help your brother.

That's what I'm callin' you for, Pops. I'm stuck here.

Somebody stole my briefcase with all my stuff in it.

I must have two of the dumbest boys.

What'd you say?

I said, I can't hear over all this noise.

Hey, look, pop. Don't worry about me, okay?

Just take care of stupid, I'll find a way back there, okay?

- Okay, son. I'll see you. - Alright, bye.

- Marlon. - 88.

- Marlon? - 89.

(Sergeant Scully) You better start moving faster than that

if you expect to hit a 1000 by noon.

A 1000? 91, 92, 93.

Hold on, son. I'm coming. I'm coming, son.

Dee, you gonna have to close up for me.

- Marlon is in trouble. - What happened?

He got into a spat with a-a sergeant

that hated me ever since the war.

Probably blamed me for that metal plate in his head.

What happened? In the heat of the battle

you couldn't cover him?

No, Dee, I was tryin' to flip

a omelet and the skillet slipped out of my hand

and it hit that sucker upside his head.

And his head rang like a bell.

[imitating a bell ring]

Hey, thanks for pickin' me up, Ernie.

Hey, no problem, used to be a big hitchhiker myself.

Now you're just big.

- What? - Big-hearted.

Okay, thought you were calling me f-f-fat.

My stepfather called me f-fat once.

It was right before he committed suicide by chopping

his own head off with an axe.

Uh, no, no, man, you-you ain't fat.

You just, uh, you know..

...very voluptuous.

Ah, yeah?

Do you wanna get a room?

What we have here is an M16A2 service rifle.

- It's a gat, fool. - Soldier, on your feet!

You have one minute to make this weapon operational.

Um, I'm so sorry, can-can Lopez do it?

He got four fathers, I'm pretty sure one of them had a gun.

- Fifty-nine, fifty-eight.. - Oh, man. Um..

- Fifty-six, fifty-five. - Wow.

- Fifty-four, fifty-three. - You got some glue?

Fifty-two, fifty-one..

And time.

Boy, you are the worst excuse

for a soldier I have ever seen.

Sir, yes, sir!

Were your parents first cousins

you stupid waste of skin.

Get the hell away from my boy.

Nobody calls him stupid but family.

For your information, my wife and I are second cousins.

Yeah, tell him, Pops.

Don't let nobody talk about Aunt Ma like that.

- Nobody talks about.. - Yeah.

It's not about Marlon, it's about me

and that metal plate in your head.

You're damn right, it is.

Because of what you did in Vietnam

I wasn't fit for combat and now I'm stuck here in New Jersey

teaching basic training.

But look on the bright side, now you can stick your finger

in a socket, shake your big head and pick up the Spice Channel.

- Yeah. - Your son is just like you.

Disrespectful, undisciplined loser.

Hey, man, uh, ain't it hard for you

to drive with your foot bustin'

outside of your shoe like that?

Your feet look like a pack of biscuits.

It's ventilation.

That's it. We gonna settle this right now.

My son will tackle anything you throw at him.

Except math.

And reading.

Sit down your dumb ass.

While we here now.

Alright, I'll tell you what.

He's got to do this whole obstacle course

here in three minutes.

- And then ring this bell. - Deal.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What do I get if he don't make it?

You get to keep him and my other son

who's on his way down here right now.

- Alright, deal. - 'Uh, uh, time out.'

Uh, pop. I can't do it, man.

I can't make it over that wall, I tried it all morning, pop.

- I can't do it. - Marlon, you can do it.

You can do it, son, remember the story I told you

about that train? The little red train that was tryin' to climb

this hill, thick hill, he tried and tried and tried

and then finally made it.

So you sayin' I should take a train over the wall?

Marlon, you think those four years you spent

in second grade was hard?

You're in for a big surprise.

Hey, uh, aren't they supposed to give you

a hat after chemotherapy?

So, Shawn, what do you think of that OJ, huh?

Let me tell you somethin' about OJ.

I thought he was hilarious in "Naked Gun."

Oh, he fell down the stairs, in the wheelchair, doin' that..

OJ crazy. Hoo!

He could golf too.

I don't wanna talk about that anyway.

Anyway, let's, let's just listen to some music.

[hip-hop music]

♪ Kill the white man not the brother man ♪

♪ Because the white man is the devil man ♪

♪ Kill the white man not the brother man ♪

♪ Because the white man is the devil man ♪♪

Son, take these shoes for good luck.

These shoes got me through the war

without a scratch on me or them.

Okay, pansy, if you can get through this course

in three minutes and then ring that bell

you're a free man. Now take your mark.

Good luck, Williams.

Hey, Lopez.. Dear old Taco Bell.

My friend.

[speaking in Spanish]

- You can do it! - Oh, really?

You like to make a little wager?

Alright, on your mark.

Get set.

Go!

[screaming]

[groans]

I got five bucks on the dummy.

Which one?

[grunts]

Marlon, hurry. You're runnin' out of time.

Go help him, young man.

God...if I...just..

I can't make it.

If you don't do it now, you'll have four years to practice.

If I just..

...make it over the wall.

Now grab that rope and climb

like you've never climbed before.

If I can just..

...reach the top.

Here, let me help you a little bit.

Oh, I got something for you, here.

[screaming] Oh, oh.

I did it, pop.

You're home free, son.

You have to get through me first.

What am I supposed to do Will Smith's Q-tip?

Now, you about to get it.

'Cause I'm goin' drunken monkey on you.

You've only got ten seconds left.

You ain't never gonna make it. You are a loser!

Just like your father.

Use the shoe, boy. Use the shoes.

[instrumental music]

[cheering]

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Looks like you made a whole lot of friends here today.

You kidding, we're cheering 'cause he's leaving.

[speaking in Spanish]

Well, you beat me.

I guess that makes you a free man.

Thank you, sergeant. I appreciate that.

Well, I was thinking about retiring anyway.

I don't think my body could stand

another Williams in the army.

Hey, well, to tell you the truth.

Your mouth still stinks.

I was jokin', man.

Look, I just want to apologize because I insulted you.

And I just wanna say I'm sorry and I shouldn't make fun of guys

who put their life on the line.

You guys a'ight.

Word up, big love. You take care..

Okay, ladies, we've got three hours of hiking

before lights out, come on, let's get on, let's get on it.

Let's move it, let's move.

Let's move!

Hey, pop, I ain't never been so exhausted in my whole life.

Well, let your old pops help you.

- I'm proud of you, son. - Thank you.

- You never gave up. - Thank you, father.

I wish Shawn was here to see me.

Hey, I wonder what happened to Shawn.

He was supposed to be here before me.

- I wonder where he is. - I don't know.

- My hero. - Come on, son.

♪ Lord lift us up ♪

♪ Where we belong.. ♪♪

- Sorry about getting lost. - Ah, it's alright, man.

Hey, man, thanks for turnin' the heat on. It was freezin'.

You wouldn't mind if I get a little more comfortable

would you?

Right, sure. Whatever.

Let's, let's just, um, listen to music.

[hip-hop music]

♪ Kill the white man not the brother man ♪

♪ Because the white man is the devil man ♪

♪ Kill the white man not the brother man ♪

♪ Because the white man is the devil man ♪♪

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say "Cheese."