Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

- Here you go. - Thanks.

Have a merry Christmas.

Uh-huh, you know, Santa knows you've been naughty.

Do you wanna take a trip to the North Pole?

Hmm?

What's wrong? What happened?

'Cause I'm black?

Here you go, Marlon.

Try one of these.

Wow, pop, gingerbread men.

Hey, wait a minute.

How come they got three legs?

Because these are gingerbread brothers.

God, I can't stand this holiday traffic, man.

People rubbing up against you all day.

I was on the subway and someone grabbed my butt.

Did you have on brown corduroy pants

and was riding in the D-train?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Uh, um, let me go finish makin' my rounds.

Snap!

Cousin Sheila sent us another fruitcake.

Oh..

[clears throat]

How about a little tip for Christmas?

I got a tip for you, if you get fired

don't go shootin' your boss.

Oh, look, Shawn.

Cousin Sheila sent a nice little card.

(Shawn) Aww..

"Dear kinfolk, how do you do?

"Come on down to the farm for Christmas.

"We got a huge gala.

"We got turkey, a 20-foot tree

and pig feet pie."

Hmm, that sounds nice, but she live too far away for me.

"We also have eggnog spiked with 150 proof homemade whiskey."

[mumbling]

An 18-hour drive in the car with no heat ain't that bad.

Uh, I don't know about Christmas in the south, pop.

From what I heard, lights ain't the only thing

they hang on trees.

That's nonsense. That's exactly what we need.

Classic old-fashioned country Christmas.

- Oh, man. - It's perfect.

It'll remind us what the holidays are all about.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, it has been a long time since I've really thought

about the birth of baby Moses.

[theme music]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing' and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful guys. Dynamite.'

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Well, everybody.

Here's it is, home sweet home.

Watch it, I gotta go.

I'm so happy to be celebratin' Christmas with my family.

Too bad, moms couldn't come.

Well, you know, it's winter time, she's hibernating.

Oh, Sheila.

Thanks for inviting me.

Oh, you're welcome, Dee. You're like family.

But how come you're not spendin' Christmas with your mama?

She put me out, she says she wanted to spend time

with her 23-year-old Jamaican boyfriend.

Ooh. I bet they're jerkin' more than just chicken.

Oh, this is what we wanted.

- A taste of the simple life. - Yeah, this is great.

Now that we've seen the slave quarters

can we go to the main cabin?

This is the main cabin.

Oh, well, my bad.

Sheila, uh, sweetheart.

You need to sue your architect.

- You don't have a toilet. - I got a toilet.

- Where? - See that shelter?

You're talking about that shed, with all them flies on it?

Mm-hmm, right next to the drinkin' well

where we get our water.

(Marlon) 'Oh.'

- That's disgustin'. - Oh, come on, cousin.

You got to toughen up, you in the country now.

Besides, a little E. coli never hurt nobody.

I mean, you don't have nowhere to go inside the house?

- I sure do. - Oh, thank God.

Phew.

- Man, oh.. - You know what..

Maybe I'll just clench my butt cheeks together

hold it till we get back to New York. Okay.

Um, Sheila.

What happened to the 20-foot tree?

Yeah, what are you doing with Gary Coleman's Christmas tree?

Sheila, you don't have any food, sugar dumplings.

Only thing that I found is six cans of deviled ham

and a box of brownie mix.

Don't.. Don't eat that!

Well, back off me, woman.

That's Christmas dinner.

Sheila.

Are you sure that you were prepared to entertain guests?

What's going on, Sheila?

Alright. I admit it.

I didn't think you guys'd come if I told you the truth.

Oh, no.

Me and Franklin have fallen upon hard times.

Things have been rougher than a burlap G-string.

Oh..

That explains where Franklin is.

He left when the going got rough, huh?

Oh, no, Dee.

Franklin loaned hisself out to another farm.

He'll be back in a month.

I wouldn't hold my breath, sister.

I-I just wanted to be around my family

in my time of need.

- Oh.. There, there. - Alright, cousin.

There is no shame in not having any money.

What are you talkin' about?

That's not what you told 'em homeless guys.

You called 'em some broke--

Shut, shut, shut your mouth.

Please.

The important thing is

you have your family here to support you.

Here, let me give you a little something.

Oh, no, but I could take no money from you..

I insist, I insist.

Uncle John, I could take no money from..

My lucky rabbit's foot.

Pop, you could do better than that.

I wish I could, Dee.

But around Christmas time, things get a little tight.

Yeah. Tight like them pants.

Hey, look here.

All I know is I'm so hungry

I could eat the corns off pop's feet

and the peas off his nappy chest hairs.

I know where we could get some food.

- Where? - New York.

- Let's get the hell outta here. - Oh, stop!

Come on, everybody. Things ain't that bad.

Every year at the Christmas fair, I make a bundle

sellin' my pigs.

I just need some help around the farm until then.

We don't know nothin' about farming.

No, uh-uh.

Last thing we grew was a Chia Pet.

I'll teach you.

I'll have you farming quicker than Cousin Jasper

can suck the gunk out of some chitlins.

[instrumental music]

[pig squealing]

Hey, hey, relax, man.

Look, hey, dude, I'm on your side.

Uh-uh, see I'm, I'm, I'm Muslim.

See, we down.

See, I'm not about the swinin' and dining, my brother.

See, I know your problem.

You've been hog-winged.

Hamboozled.

You didn't land on ham hock.

Ham hock landed on you, my brother.

[squealing]

Chill out.

Chill out!

- 'Chill out!' - What's wrong, cuz?

You look scareder than a sheep at a shepherd's bachelor party.

Oh, She's just flirtin' with you.

Now you go and pour that slop in here the way I showed you.

Uh, what's in that slop anyway?

Oh, egg shells, corn cob

and a little bit of hotdog water.

All you gotta do is add some pinto beans

and you got pop's chili recipe.

Oh, Marlon, come on over here. I want you help me do something.

Yeah. I'm gonna teach you how to churn some butter.

Oh, alright.

- Okay. - Okay.

Alright, now all you gotta do

is pump the stick up and down.

But you gotta do it fast.

Okay. Well.

This is easy.

Hey, you look like you've been doing that

your whole life.

'Just don't let your arm get tired.'

Oh, no. My arm is strong, girl.

Besides, I'm ambidextrous.

See.

Well, I'mma go on over here and, and pick some hay.

Alright.

(Pops) 'Ow!'

Hey. Stop that.

Uncle John, what are you doing with Franklin's moonshine?

Now what's he gonna say when he gets back?

Why don't you wake up?

He ain't comin' back.

Wow, Marlon, that's great.

Can you go again?

Uh..

What do you think I am, Superman?

No wonder why Franklin left your behind.

I don't know about you..

...but I ain't eatin' that butter.

[instrumental music]

I kind of like these homemade ornaments.

They give the tree a personal touch.

A little too personal for me.

Look here. I found a angel..

...but I don't know where to find batteries.

Now, Marlon, where are we gonna find batteries way out here?

(all) 'Dee.'

Me? Why would you all think I have some batteries..

Alright, I'll get 'em later.

Uh, Marlon, is this your best sock?

Is the...hole there that smell like cheese

- Ugh, yeah. - Yeah, that's me.

Hey, right here I got some toe jam.

Hey, everybody, come on.

Let's go string some Christmas lights.

Yeah.

[pounding on door]

Y'all got Jehovah Witnesses out in the country?

Alright, everybody, quick, hide, get down.

Be quiet, cut the lights out.

Bill Stimpson, what did I tell you about pounding

on my door at booty call hours?

I'm here for the mortgage.

'You run out of time.'

I told you I will pay you next week.

Hold on, hold on. Hold on, baby cousin. Hold on, baby cousin.

Hey, yo, my man. This punk givin' you a problem?

Hey, yo, my man, now you wanna see how we be handlin'

our business back in the city?

How's that?

We'd be using lawyers and stuff.

That's, that's the legal way.

You don't get in trouble like that.

Carry your business, cuz.

I'm gonna give you till the weekend.

After that, you and your farm are history.

Damn.

Sling Blade wasn't playin'.

Sheila, why didn't you tell us things had gotten this bad?

Uncle John, I told you, once I sell my pigs at the fair

I'll be fine.

Oh, yeah.

That reminds me I gotta let the pigs back in.

- Let them where? - Let them back in.

See, I sent them out so they could graze.

- What? - Yeah.

Uh, they'd look hungry so I just..

At first they wouldn't go.

Then I set some firecrackers on 'em

and then they went off runnin'.

Marlon, pigs don't graze.

If you open the gate, they run away.

Marlon, those pigs were my last chance.

Now I'm gonna lose the farm!

Oh..

[instrumental music]

I can't believe it. There's only one pig left.

This is my worst Christmas ever.

I lost my pigs. I'm losing my farm.

Ooh, and don't forget, you lost your husband.

He's comin' back.

Uh-huh.

Uh, cuz, I just wanted to say I'm, I'm sorry.

And if there is anything I could do to repay you

you just let me know.

- Get my darn pigs back. - Okay.

Sheila, don't feel bad. We're family.

We are all in this together. Come on, come on.

On the count of three, let's get the hell outta here.

Okay.

Wait, I got an idea.

Now I didn't wanna have to do this.

But I'm gonna go down to that fair

and I'mma sell my stuff.

- No, no. - No, come on.

It's the only way.

It's sweet, it's sticky, it's taut.

And the menfolk can't seem to get enough of it.

I can get a buck a pop.

Oh, oh, oh, wait, well, time out, man.

Ain't no cousin of mine gonna go sell her stuff.

Come on, now you're cheapenin' yourself.

Marlon. Marlon, stop that.

Not that stuff.

I'm talkin' about my preserves.

I got 100 jars in the basement.

Here's one that's open.

Oh, I love jam.

What kind of berries did she use?

Uff! I think she used dingleberries.

[laughing]

Dingleberry. That's..

Why is everybody laughin' at me?

My hat?

Oh, so I'm just a dumb old country girl

who's losing her farm.

I'm the family joke..

Aww.

Relax. Don't say that about yourself.

Everybody knows Marlon's the family joke.

Yeah, that's what.

- 'Marl..' - Hey.

Y'all might as well just go on

go home anywhere, I don't wanna ruin

everybody's Christmas with my problems.

That's a good idea.

Peace out.

Hey, hey, hey.

Yo. Come on now, pop.

Now nobody's going anywhere.

Nobody's gonna leave you, Sheila

especially during Christmas time.

But then what are we gonna do?

Well, there's five of us, right?

Why don't we all set up booths at the fair?

- Oh! - That's a good idea, son.

A lot of people, they're gonna have the Christmas spirit.

We're gonna have to convince them to spread it around.

- Yeah. - That's right.

And if that don't work then

Sheila can always just sell her stuff.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Hi, I'm one of Santa's helpers. I'm Uncle Shawn.

And I'm here to read you guys a nice little story.

It's called "'Twas The Night Before Christmas."

Yes, it was.

Yes, it was.

Alright.

"'Twas the night before Christmas.

"When all through the crib.

"Not a creature was stirring

"And the place smelled like ribs.

"When up on the roof

"arose such a noise.

"So I pulled out my gat

"and called for my boys.

"I crept up the stairs all quiet and easy

"kicked open the door

"and said its gonna be off the heezy fo sheezy

"govment peezy tweezy.

"The church bell started ringin' for late midnight mass

as I busted two caps off Santa's.."

What? What? What..

What, what did I say? What happened?

You.. You don't wanna hear the rest of the story?

You don't wanna hear the one about the Grinch

who stole my car?

[instrumental music]

[Dee whistles]

Now tell Santa what you want for Christmas?

And talk real slow.

Hey. You ain't nothin' but a ho ho ho.

You freakier than Vixen.

Next.

"One Silent Night," coming right up.

Another five, I give you a real loud night.

Alright, anyway..

- You ready, Sheila? - Mm-hmm.

Okay.

And..

♪ Silent ♪

♪ Night ♪♪

Ho..

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ There ain't shootin' or nothin' outside ♪

♪ I say all is bright it's so bright ♪

♪ I can't see I'm Ray Charles ♪

♪ Put your sunglasses on girl ♪

♪ Round young ♪

♪ Virgin ♪

♪ Can't handle that y'all ♪

♪ I'm a good girl ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant so ♪

♪ Tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep ♪

♪ In hea-ven-ly ♪

♪ Peace ♪♪

A remix.

One thousand three hundred and forty.

- Sixty, eighty, a hundred. - Whoo!

One thousand four hundred dollars.

Alright.

That's, that's great, but it's not enough.

I'm still $800 short.

Gotta be something we could do.

Not by tomorrow.

I guess, I'll just go start packin'.

I'm ready to go.

Hey, I just wanna say I'm sorry for ruining

your Christmas...and your life.

It's okay, Marlon. I know you didn't mean it.

I'm sure gonna miss this place.

It might not look like much to y'all

but to me, it's been home.

Goodbye, stove.

Thank you for the food and warmth you provided.

Goodbye, cupboards.

You're barren now, but you've been filled with vittles.

Goodbye table. I've had some great sex on you.

- Hey! - Hey, oh!

So what you're gonna do now, cousin?

Well, I was kinda hopin' I can stay with you and Marlon

until I got back on my feet.

I'm serious, come on now.

Stop playin'.

I think I might just cry.

Uh, I think, I'mma cry too.

I hate to help people move.

Come on now, we can't give up, y'all.

Oh, come on, Marlon, let's face it.

The only thing that can help me now is a miracle.

[pig squealing]

You hungry, Dee?

No, what is that?

Oh, my God. My pig.

- What? - Oh.

(Shawn) 'She's dyin'.'

No! No!

Why?

Hey, Lord.

[sobbing]

Please, first you killed Charlotte's Web

now you wanna take Wilbur.

No, no, please, please, please..

That's all folks!

Oh, man.

Marlon. She's not dyin'

she's birthin' babies.

What?

[pigs squealing]

Yo, man, check it out. She's makin' pork rinds.

(Pops) 'Hmm. Good.'

And I got my stock back.

Now when I take these little piglets to the market

I'll have my money to pay my mortgage.

And you have some money left over.

Oh, yeah, I can buy myself somethin' I always wanted.

What's that? Some indoor plumbin'?

No, a man that'll stay at home.

- Can't argue with that. - Hmm.

Hey, y'all.

Even though we went through all this trouble, this actually

turned out to be one of the best Christmases we ever had.

That's what Christmas is all about.

Giving, sharing and caring for your fellow men.

- Or cousin as the case maybe. - Aww.

Yeah, and let's not forget miracles.

- I think we just saw one. - We sure did.

Yeah, you know what?

This truly showed me what Christmas is all about.

- Yeah. - For real.

[knocking on door]

- Ooh. - Let me get that.

I'm sorry to bother you

but my wife is pregnant

and we have no place to sleep.

- Oh. - Oh.

Could we stay in your barn tonight?

(all) 'Hell no!'

Peace out.

♪ Sleep ♪

♪ In heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep ♪

♪ In hea-ven-ly peace ♪

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.