Original subtitles

Listen, son, I need to ask you an embarrassing question.

Well, pop, if it's about me

helping you insert those suppositories again

the answer's no.

- I'll do it. - No.

You're too much behind on your loan payment to me

and I needed to pay the produce man.

Oh, oh, my bad, there must've been

some kinda mistake or something.

I'll just call my man up

and have him come right down with the check.

You got a man? Oh, Lordy Lord.

Take it easy, he's an accountant.

Well, at least he's got a good job, son.

These are the '90s.

The most important thing

is that you love him.

Whoa, aight, slow down, okay? I ain't sweet.

The thing is, what happened was my business was doing so well

I decided to hire a business manager

to help me do all my paperwork.

- A business manager? - Yeah.

Thank you, God. Thank you.

Shawn's gone big-time.

Next thing you know, he'll be hiring

some real help and firing me.

[chuckles ] Hey.

- That's a good idea. - Peace out.

Hey, yo, pops, this is working out great for me, man.

I'm telling you, this dude, he does everything.

He handles my paperwork

he handles my bookkeeping, my investments.

I don't have to do nothin'.

Whoo-o-o, saditty.

Well, since you're bowling, can I have...the money?

Okay, relax, pa, you'll get your money.

I'mma just call him up. He's right upstairs.

I'll call him up, he'll bring the check down.

Alright.

'Heh, hey, there he is right now.'

Hey, Bob, how's it go..

Hey, hey, w-w-where y'all going with my business manager?

Oh, I don't think he's your business manager anymore.

This guy's been ripping off people for years.

Yeah, I'm so sorry, Shawn.

This guy cleaned out more people than Ex-Lax.

Wait, hold on, hold on, ho-ho-hold, what about my money?

Huh, you're gonna have to get in line for that one, buddy.

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite.'

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

What happened? What'd the bank say?

They said Bob cleaned out my entire account

hasn't paid any of my bills in two months

and on top of that, they're not gonna give me another loan.

Oh, man, I'm..

...I'm sorry about that, kid.

- It's gonna be alright, baby. - Whoa.

- Mama's here. - Look--

Get the nipple. Get the nipple.

What? This ain't no joke, man.

And my entire account got wiped out.

- Wiped out. Wiped out! - Dee, this is serious, girl.

If I don't come up with some money soon

they're gonna evict me.

Shawn, I don't wanna hear your problems.

I just heard the Neidermeyers are ready to get rid

of some of the security people

and replace us with video cameras.

Okay, then where am I gonna be?

Well, you could always go back to prizefighting.

Well, I'm not going for it.

I'm not going for it.

I'mma do somethin' to keep my job.

That's messed up, man.

- Poor Dee. - What? Poor Dee?

Poor.. Marlon, poor me, okay?

I have no money in my account.

I might get kicked out of my apartment.

Alright, well, quit complaining.

Go in there, ask pop for some money.

Get outta here, I ain't goin' in there

asking for no more money. I'm tired of that.

Pop, I need to borrow some money, man.

I'm broke. I'm broker than a boxer

that signed with Don King.

Well, son, I can give you a couple $100

but business is not as good as it used to be.

People don't stand in line to eat fried chicken

because of the hot sauce like they used to.

I mean, there's gotta be some kinda way

for me to make some money.

Well, you better think of something, son.

I have $10,000 of my money in this place.

If you lose, I lose.

Shawn, remember that summer we sold lemonade?

- We made a fortune. - Yeah.

But that's only 'cause you put liquor in it.

- And pops bought it all. - Ha!

Hey, that gives me an idea.

I'll go get the liquor.

No, no, no, pop.

I got a bunch of useless stuff

laying around the apartment that I need to sell.

Shawn, you can't sell your brother.

[instrumental music]

Man, I can't believe after selling all the stuff

this is all the money we made.

Mmm, mm, mm, mm.

- Marlon. - 'Yeah?'

How much is this macaroni and cheese?

Sixty dollars.

Sixty dollars? I can get that at the grocery store for 29 cents.

Oh, you might.

But, uh...this here is an antique.

See there? Sell by January, 1965.

Okay, well, here's 29 cents for it. Go on.

Shawn, I hope this helps you get back on your feet.

Oh, I'm sure the whole 29 cents will help, Dee.

Yeah..

- Okay, you take care now. - Alright, thank you, Dee.

Okay.

- Hey. Hey, Dee. - Oh!

How you doing?

Hey!

Well, well, well

if it ain't The Pimp Panther.

You look like some pimped ol' bizzle bone.

[laughing]

- So what are you doin' here? - Well!

Word on the street is you two are ass out.

And I have the opportunity

to capitalize on your misfortune.

Aw, T.C., you're such a good friend.

You wanna buy a half bottle of hair relaxer?

Oh. No, thanks, brother.

See, I make my own all-natural relaxer.

Yeah. Butter and Liquid-Plumr.

Yeah. Once the smoke clears, I look hot.

Man, I can't believe how desperate we're gettin'.

Why? Look, listen.

If you're that desperate, okay?

I know this dude, right?

His name is D-Roc.

Now, if you're in a pinch

he has ways of making your troubles go..

...up in smoke.

So what does he do?

Well, let's just say he has a lot ofhot..

Oh, shoot!

...ideas that mightspark..

[coughs]

...your interest.

So what are you getting at?

- He's an arsonist, stupid. - Oh. An arsonist?

Hey, why don't we hire his boy to light the newsstand on fire

and we just collect the insurance?

Get outta here, Marlon.

I'm not setting my newsstand on fire.

Left eye.

Look, I got a couple more days to come up with the money, okay?

I worked way too hard to get what I got

in order to set it on fire.

Alright, alright, suit yourself.

I hate to kick you while you're down

but...could I have my money back

from that macaroni and cheese?

It had bugs in it.

I could barely finish it.

What's goin' on?

(Shawn) Nothin', pop.

Just time for me to face the facts, man.

I'm out of business.

Oh, don't feel bad, son.

Everything happens for a reason.

Maybe this is for the best.

How's this for the best?

Psh, hell if I know.

I'm trying to say something Cosby would say.

Well, kid..

Don't worry about it, cheer up, man.

It ain't over till the fat lady sings.

[Dee singing]

Alright, baby boy, it's been a nice ride, kid.

It's time to say goodbye to the newsstand.

Hell, man, there's gotta be some way out of this.

I'mma go take a walk.

It is so sad.

Shawn's losing the newsstand

and I'm being replaced with a camcorder.

Man, there gotta be something I can do.

[instrumental music]

[beeping]

[laughing]

Oh, no.

[indistinct chattering on radio]

Something's different.

Oh, my God.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I can't believe it, man.

All my years of hard work is all gone.

Yeah, well, at least somethin' good came out of it.

Look, Michael Jackson's black again.

Shawn..

...I am so sorry.

Would you wanna hear some good news?

- I got a raise. - What?

Yeah, they said I got here in the nick of time.

If I had not called the fire department when I did

the whole building would've been gone.

Some people called me a hero.

I said don't call me no hero.

You know? Don't call me no hero.

Man, look at this mess, pop. Man, what am I gonna do?

Well, son, look at it as a blessing in disguise.

See, when you get your insurance money

you can pay me back.

What about me?

There'll be enough money for a newspaper.

You can look for a new job.

Yabba dabba doo-o-o ooh ooh ooh!

[laughing] You brothers don't waste no time, do you?

[imitating matchstick lighting]

Come on, now, T.C.

you know we did not do this.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You're right. It's forest fire season.

Must've been a careless camper.

I do wonder how somethin' like this could happen.

So do I.

I'm Inspector Dreyfus, New York City Fire Department.

I understand you four were the last people

in this building yesterday.

- Yes. It's true. Uh-huh. - Yeah, we were.

I need you to come downtown

and answer some questions.

You're all under suspicion for arson.

What?

And you're coming too.

Well, I wasn't even here.

From the way you're dressed, I know you had

to have done somethin' illegal.

[instrumental music]

Okay, you can all have a seat. I've got some forms to fill out.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

[indistinct chattering]

Shh, shh. Shh!

Shh, shh, shh!

Quiet, everybody. Listen to me.

I know this tactic.

This place is bugged.

You see, what they do

they get us all together in here

and they wait outside

till we start diming each other out.

- Yes. - So we gotta remain unified.

- 'Yes, okay, yes.' - All for one.

- And one for all. - Right.

Yo, hey, pops is right.

- You're right about that. - Yes, I'm right.

Because we all know Dee did it.

- What? - Oh, come on, Dee.

You were the last one in there.

And the first one there in the mornin'.

I do that every day. That's my job!

Yeah, but you was about tolose

Yeah, until you became ahero.

I'm gonna tell you how it all went down.

(Pops) In the black of the night, you snuck in

moving like a cougar.

A big-breasted cougar.

[dramatic music]

Flipped over the infrared sensor.

[music continues]

Then, just before you started the fire

you said..

Once I save the building

they'll call me a hero.

They'll never fire me then.

[clicks]

[intense music]

[laughing maniacally]

[laughing continues]

Burn,Bu-u-urn!

[laughing continues]

Before you left, you stole a packet of Swiss Miss too.

Pops, why would I do that

when I have a pass key for the entire building?

Aha! So you admit it?

Oh, good. Now we know who did it.

Let's call light-skinned Dreyfus back in here.

And this way, Dee could go to jail and we can all go home.

Yo, Dreyfus! Coo-coo!

I didn't do it, I'm innocent.

If, if anybody did it, it was Pops.

'He has the most to gain.'

Don't be ridiculous. What did I have to gain?

Ten thousand dollars ofmy

- 'Mm-hmm.' - Yeah, and I heard you too.

I heard you say, "It's a good thing."

- 'Mm-hmm.' - 'Uh-huh, uh-huh.'

And everybody knows you like a little

taste every now and then.

Well, what does that have to do with anything?

I'll tell you.

You were so upset

that you decided to drown your sorrows.

(Shawn) And in your drunken rage

you decided to take matters

into your own hands.

Why is my boy such a failure?

I can't lose everything.

Shawn don't know how to take care of business.

I tell you one thing, I do.

I'll show him what to do.

I get to waste good alcohol, but..

...if I get that insurance check

it'll be all worth it. Oh, yeah.

[dramatic music]

[slurping]

Oh, there it is. I need to get out of here.

I did it all for you, my favorite son.

Good.

Now that we know who it was

let's call albino Dreyfus in here

so pops can go to jail and we can all go home.

- 'Yeah.' - Yo, Dreyfus! Coo-coo!

Well, I might've been drinking..

...but why would I burn down the newsstand and take a chance

on burning down the diner too?

Maybe you wanted to collect some insurance money

for your diner also.

I've never thought anything like that.

What would I do with $49,855.15?

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe it was Marlon!

We all know he likes to play with matches.

Oh, wait, it wasn't me. Come on.

- Now, I was with T.C. - Uh-huh!

[imitating Dee] Uh-huh!

What is that supposed to mean?

What were you doing hanging out with the artist

formerly known as Barney?

Huh? Trying to hire his arsonist friend D-Roc?

Oh, no, no, no..

We never even talked to D-Roc.

His number was disconnected.

(Dee) Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Yeah. So then you decided to do it yourself.

- No. - Oh, yes.

You knew if Shawn lost the newsstand

then your freeloading days would be over

and you'd have to get a job

so you set T.C. up to pick the lock!

- No, no! - Yeah.

But you didn't plan it carefully-y-y.

[indistinct shouting]

[Marlon screaming]

Tell me you picked it.

I picked it.

Stupid.

Look here..

...once we get this $10,000 of insurance money

whoa, we're gonna be rich. Rich, rich, rich!

[laughing]

Ooh, I'll never have to work again.

And we're gonna split it 50-50.

What do you think I am, stupid?

- How much do I get? - Fifty.

Cool.

(Dee) First, you struck a deal.

[dramatic music]

Now all I need is something flammable.

Your hair.

[indistinct chattering]

[music continues]

Then, you struck a match.

[dramatic music]

[laughing]

[screaming]

[screaming]

There's a fire! There's a fire!

(Marlon) 'Well, good.'

Now that we know who did it

let's call light-skinned Dreyfus in here

so I can go to jail and you all can go home.

- 'Okay.' - Hey, yo, Drey.. Wait a second.

Marlon, we didn't do it.

- We didn't? - No!

Plus, I would never take 50 bucks for a torch job.

Worth at least 75.

Wait, hold on a second. Hold on.

- Now we all accuse each other. - Mm-hmm.

We accuse everybody except for the person

who had the mostto gain!

Yes.

Good, Marlon.

Very, very good.

Wait a minute, get outta here. You think I did it?

Why not you?

There ain't nobody else left..

I can see it all now.

(Marlon) First, you sneakingly crept in the lobby.

Then you realized, "Huh, I got a booger in my eye."

Proceeded to wipe it on the wall..

...but it was stuck to your finger.

You couldn't get rid of it.

Wiped it on the bottom of your shoe.

Then you proceeded to turn off the alarm.

[beeping]

But you realized you had a booger in your other eye.

How annoying.

Finally, you got it out.

That's when you called in your team

of hoochie nurses.

Coo-coo!

Five hoochie nurses.

They immediately ran to you

and started feeling on your

little crusty self.

Ah! Stop. Oh! Stop.

Insecure about your size..

...you pushed 'em off and ran off like a little biatch.

[Shawn screaming]

That's when I appeared.

They crept towards me.

That's when I knew I had to handle them.

I took off my shirt..

...and filled my hand with ginseng

'cause I knew a brother was about to

get his freak on.

Spank me.

- Smack me. - Boy..

Okay, you know damn well I didn't do it.

Yeah, I know you didn't do it

but you could've at least waited

till the nu-nurses got naked.

Player hater.

Somebody in this room is a liar.

Hey, well, it ain't me, aight?

Well, yes, it is you.

Well, we know who the culprit is.

[indistinct shouting]

Quiet!

It wasn't any of you.

The fire was started by faulty wiring.

- Oh, see? - A wire?

A little pink stinkin' piece of wire?

- You're free to go. - Oh.

- We-we can go. - Oh! Yes!

But you know what? You all showed your colors.

[indistinct shouting]

Hey, what's the deal, people?

He-e-ey! Shut up.

Oh, come on now.

Don't tell me you guys are still mad at each other.

Come on, man, we just got caught up in the moment, man.

We still got love for each other, right?

That's true.

Yeah, I'm gonna get carried away.

Anyway, pops, check from the insurance company

came in. Here's all the money I owe you.

Now you get the matching pants

to that diseased shirt you got on.

Yippity! My money!

Ooh, I gotta spend already some to get me a set of ties

and new shoes.

Shawn, you keep it.

You need the money to rebuild your newsstand.

Thanks, pop.

What if I don't wanna rebuild the newsstand?

What if I wanna do somethin' else?

Whatever you wanna do, you have my support, son.

Oh, I can't believe all the stories we told about you.

[indistinct chattering]

Ah! Stop. Oh! Stop.

Insecure about your size

you pushed 'em off and ran off like a little biatch.

[Shawn screaming]

That's when I appeared.

They crept towards me.

And that's when I knew I had to handle them.

I took off my shirt..

...and filled my hand with ginseng 'cause I knew

a brother was about to get his freak on.

Spank me.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.