Original subtitles

- Hm. - Yeah.

That "Family Battle"

they have the hottest trivia questions.

I've been looking at this show since I was a little girl.

That Dick Ferndale, he has not aged a day.

Hey, girl, what you smokin'?

That man has so many facelifts

he has to scratch his butt like this.

Eww.

Don't mock plastic surgery, Marlon.

If it weren't for that, your mama'd still look like

Forest Whitaker.

[laughing]

You know, this used to be our favorite game show

when we were little, Shawn.

You boys used to send those cards in every week.

What do you mean "used to," I still do.

I hope you put the stamp on it this time.

Hell, I ain't payin' no 25 cents for some postage.

I just draw it on.

That's why we were never on the show.

And congratulations to the Andersons.

Now, let's see who'll be playing on Monday.

And it looks like..

'From Cambridge Massachusetts, the Websters.'

'And competing with the Websters'

'for an all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii'

and a $20,000 cash prize

from right here in New York, the Williams'.

Wait, that's us! That's us!

Mira, we're gonna be on the show.

We're gonna be on the show, Mira.

Thank you, sisters.

We're goin' on the show.

Bruce Lee, we're goin' on the show.

Marlon, stop it. You sound ignorant, man.

There is about 10,000 people named Williams in New York City.

I mean how do you know that that's us?

And it looks like they drew the stamp

on their post cover.

That's us! That's us! We won, we won.

We're goin' on the show.

Mira, we're goin' on the show.

We're goin' on the show.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite.'

[theme song]

Yo, what you doing, Marlon, man?

You're supposed to be practicing for the show.

I am practicing. Here, watch this.

We won! We won!

We won! We won! Whoo!

Praise the Lord.

- Get up, Kirk Franklin. - What?

Marlon, man, you're supposed to be studying.

Shawn, relax, man. I got this all under control, baby.

Trust me, this is gonna be dope, son.

Our family's gonna be on TV.

You know, I hate to tell you this

but this show ask really hard questions, Marlon.

I'm telling you, I hope you're ready.

Shawn, I got it under control.

Go ahead, quiz me. Ask me anything, baby, anything.

Ask me what's the capital of Detroit?

Marlon, Detroit's not even a state.

What?

When did they change that?

Man, them Australians be tripping.

[doorbell ringing]

Hey, hey, hey, stop knocking

like you're trick-or-treating.

- Oh, hi! - Hey!

It's practice time.

Hey, hey, Dee, Fred Flintstone called.

- He wants his shirt back. - Shut up.

It's practice time

with the home version of "Family Battle."

- Oh, yeah, baby. - Alright.

I'm gonna host. I'm gonna get you all ready now.

And I brought some snacks, who wants

some hog head cheese and crackers?

Urgh, Pop. Come on, that meat smell like burp.

Okay!

Now, these are the same kind of questions

that they ask you on the TV show.

- Right, right. - Okay, the first question.

The first question is a biology..

Shut up.

It's a biology question.

What are nipples, Alex?

Marlon, will you stop playin' around, man?

- What? That's biology. - Stop.

It's.. Okay. Alright.

"What is the chemical symbol

for carbon dioxide?"

C3PO.

Marlon, that's a character in "Star Wars."

The answer is CO2.

- Hmm! - Yeah!

- Ten points for Shawn. - Thank you kindly.

Alright.

Okay.

"This 16th century artist was responsible

for The Pieta in St. Peters Basilica."

Ooh. Who's the artist formerly known as Prince?

[laughing]

Come on, pop, don't encourage his ignorance, man.

- What? - No, Marlon, it's Michelangelo.

Michelangelo? Hey, is he related to D'Angelo?

And are you related to Corky?

No.

Look, Marlon, will you at least try, man?

Shawn, I am tryin'.

Alright, look, why don't you ask the questions?

That way it'll make you learn somethin'.

- Okay, genius. - Thank you. Alright, you do it.

- You just read them. - Alright.

Hey, you know, Dee made that seat real warm

with all that booty on it.

Alright. Let's get here.

"What is the first movie

to win an Academy Award for best picture?"

Uh, "Wings."

You are correct. Pretty good, bustosaurus.

Okay, this one might be a toughie.

"What is the capital

of Uru-guay?"

It's pronounced Uruguay.

And the capital is Montevideo.

- 'Whoa, right again.' - Okay.

Alright, now, uh, check this out.

"Who said "I shall return?"

And I give you a hint. It's not Vanilla Ice

Hmm...General Douglas MacArthur.

Right again. Dag, Dee. You're pretty smart.

You must have sat next to a Korean girl in school, huh?

[instrumental music]

Yo, pop, man, what we gonna do about Marlon, man?

He hasn't gotten one answer right all week.

Well, it's not his fault, son.

Your mama couldn't say no to the mikelo

when she was pregnant.

I don't know, pop, I just don't want nothin'

to get in the way of this trip, you know.

I really wanna win.

I mean think about it, with all the money we're gonna make

you can get yourself a brand new purple corduroy sweatsuit.

But what's more important, Shawn, Marlon's feelings

or beautiful purple corduroy sweatsuit?

You're right. He's out, but you tell him.

Why do I gotta tell him?

I'm just his brother, you're his father.

Well, I don't know that for sure.

Wait a minute, if we dump Marlon

who're we gonna get to replace him?

I don't know, anybody. Why don't you get Cousin Buford?

Oh, no, no, no, not Buford.

Methadone make him too sleepy.

Hey...he'd still be sharper than Marlon.

I know who we can get. Dee. She's very smart.

Uh, that's a good idea.

Only thing is Dee's not family.

In God's eyes

we're all brothers and sisters under the sun.

- Preach on, Pops. - Hey, what's up, family?

- Hey, what up? - Shawn, I gotta tell you, man.

I had my face buried all up in these books.

Were you studying?

Hell, no, I fell asleep, took a nap on 'em.

It make pretty good pillows.

Hey, look, Marl, um, about our appearance on "Family Battle"

uh, me and Pops' have been talkin'.

Hm, whatever he says is his idea.

Um, the thing is, uh, see

we-we all have our specialties, right?

I mean, you're really good at hip hop and cartoons and..

...pop, help me out.

- Hm-hm, cartoons. - And cartoons, right?

Uh, what's your point, Shawn?

The point is this show doesn't ask that kinda question.

You know, this show is really more like a academic kinda show.

Right, right, right.

Now, goin' to Hawaii can be a whole lot of fun

and everything. It'll be mad fun

but, uh, the only thing is the only way

we're gonna get there is if, um..

...you don't play with us.

So what are you sayin'?

Well, I'm sayin' that, um, we would have a better chance

of winning if we took somebody else along.

Meaning?

Meaning that this show usually has, like, smarter people on it

and so you-you're not comin'.

- So in other words-- - What? Are you this stupid?

We don't want you to come! You'll ruin it.

Well, even I filled out the application.

Mostly that-that's why we, that's why, you know

it' like we-we, like, be cutting you in.

You know, but we-we kickin' you out.

Don't worry about the trip, son. You're going to Hawaii with us.

And you're gonna get your full share of that paper.

Shawn, explain it to him.

Yeah, Marlon, think about it.

It's like you're gonna get paid anyway..

...to not be good.

You'll be like the Spice Girls.

You ain't mad, are you?

- What? - You're not mad, are you?

No, I'm-I'm not mad.

It just threw me off a little bit.

You know, I'm-I'm cool. I, tell you what..

I was comin' over here to tell y'all

that I-I wasn't going to able to-to do it.

- Really? - Yeah, man.

I talked to my agent. He said it was a bad idea, you know.

- There's too much exposure.. - Right, right, right.

Well, that's a pretty smart move on your behalf, man.

Hey, well, so all good.

Damn, I knew we could count on you, son.

Hey, you know, hey, one for all all for one, right, pop?

Alright, pop, come on, we gotta lot of studyin' to do.

Yeah. All for one and one for all.

[instrumental music]

I just wanna..

...thank you for asking me to replace Marlon.

Oh, no problem, Cousin Dee.

Oh, that's right, Cousin Dee. I'm that, yeah.

Now when we win, you get one-fourth of the prize money.

Your cut is gonna be $5,000.

Five thousand dollars!

That's more money than I have ever had at one time in my life.

Oh, I don't know how to repay you.

Ooh,

You can repay me by lettin' me outta this bear hug.

Oh, okay, sorry. I'm sorry.

Shawn, look. Look at that table, it's full of food.

Pop, didn't you just have enough of those

burp sandwiches at the house?

Hm, I'm not gonna eat 'em, I'mma take it to the diner

and sell it tomorrow.

Hey, peace out.

Marlon, what's wrong?

Oh, listen, by the end of the show

you can be $5,000 richer.

I don't care about that money, Dee.

Ever since I was a kid I just wanted to be on TV

with my family.

Oh, must really hurt you not to go on, huh?

Uh, why didn't you say somethin' earlier?

Oh, well, I was just tryin' to do what was right for them.

Guess I didn't do what was right for me.

Oh, well.

Wish us luck.

Hey, hold on, I just gave you my best sad story

in my best puppy dog eyes and you just tell me

wish 'em luck and you still gonna do the show?

I got my hair done. I'mma be on TV.

Okay. This house gonna go down..

Alright, Pops, you focus on sports and history.

Dee, you got..

Move, man, get outta here.

Okay, Dee, you got politics and science.

I got.. Marlon, come on, man.

(Pops) We got two-two minutes.

I'mma take care of everything else, okay?

- Okay. - Okay? Alright.

- One, two.. - Alright, yes.

Two, three. Yeah!

Now, let's go kick some nerd ass.

Oh, yes, pop.

Tee-tee-tee!

Excuse me. Sir, sir, are you on the show?

- Uh-huh. - Give me that.

(Dee) 'Oh.'

Oh, you know, guys, I..

Guys, I-I-I don't know what happened

all of a sudden, my stomach feels kinda funny.

What's the matter, Dee? You got your friend?

Um, I think I'm gettin' sick.

- 'What?' - I can't go on.

[grunting]

Hi, Williams family, what's wrong with her?

Uh, yeah, her shoes were too tight.

It was scraping up against her bunion.

Well, I guess if there's only two of you here

we'll have to go with our backup family.

No, no, wait a minute, we have another family member close by.

Well, that's good because we're on in two and two.

Sir, you're cutting off my circulation.

There's a good fella. Powder me please.

Uh, hey, hey, hey, Marlon. Hey, guess what, baby boy?

- What? - Ha ha.

Yo, Dee just got sick and we need you man.

We need you on our team.

- Really? - Yeah.

[chuckling]

- So, now you need me, huh? - Yeah.

[giggling]

Now, I have demands, peasants.

Oh, really?

Pop, what's Cousin Buford's number?

Uh, well, my demands can wait.

Guys, I will not let you down.

I know you won't. You know why?

'Cause you're not gonna say nothin'.

What do you mean? I thought we was a team.

Yes, we are a team. And I want you to look at it this way.

If we were the Jacksons

you would be Rebbie.

Rebbie? Shawn, Rebbie ain't do nothin'.

Ha-ha, now you catchin' on, bro.

[instrumental music]

Welcome to "Family Battle." I'm your host, Dick Ferndale.

We're here today with two families

who are ready to duke it out

for a trip to Hawaii and $20,000.

Let's meet the Websters.

Uh, hello, young lady.

Hm, charmed. Hello, ma'am.

And, Mr. Webster, tell us what do you do for a living, sir?

Well, I wrote the pocket sized encyclopedia.

I call it University In Your Pants.

Hm, quite a person.

Now let's meet the Williams family.

Alright. Frat..

And I am a periodical distribution engineer.

Uh, a paperboy.

Well, I'm not a paperboy.

I'm an unemployed actor.

And I can play all the emotions. Look, this is happy.

Very happy.

This is sad.

Why you wanna hurt me like that?

And this is mad.

No, son, I didn't even know my father, son.

Yeah, I mean..

And I also, I'm not afraid to do frontal nudity.

- Here you go. - Hey, hey, hey.

Let's try to avoid that at all costs.

Okay, here's how we play our little game.

I'm gonna toss up a question.

The first team to buzz in gets a chance to answer.

If they're incorrect, the opposing team

'gets an opportunity.'

Each question is worth 10 points.

Whoever reaches a 100 points first is the winner.

We're gonna kick their ass.

Okay. Here's our first question.

"What 1920s event caused businessmen

to leap to their deaths?"

[buzzing]

'Williams', you have five seconds.'

Shawn, it's a leap year. It's aleap year.

They leap to their deaths.

Get outta here. Get outta here.

Trust me, man. It's a leap year.

Get outta here.

Well, I believe the answer to that question is

the stock market crash of 1929.

Well, that's 10 points for the Williams'.

Alright!

Alright, here's our next toss-up.

"The Great Gatsby" was written by?

[buzzing]

- F. Scott Fitzgerald. - 'That is correct.'

Hey, wait, wait, wait, Hold on.

"The Great Gatsby?"

The great gats be the nine millimeter

the .22 caliber, and my boy, he had a shotgun

and this gat blew his whole hand off.

We'll be right back after these words from our sponsors.

I'm sorry. I-I don't know..

Well, the score now stands at 90 to 60.

[bell dinging]

And that bell means we're running outta time.

From now on, every question counts double.

So, Williams, you have a chance to catch up.

'And, Websters, you have a chance'

to win it all on this next question.

"This synthetic fabric was created in 1929..

[buzzing]

- Polyester. - That is correct.

[yelling]

See, father? I knew your tackiness would pay off one day.

- Thank you kindly. - Alright.

Well, it's hard to believe that the Williams family

is only 10 points behind.

Which means whoever answers the next question correctly

will win the game and a chance for the trip to Hawaii.

Here we go.

"What flashy athlete played

for Atlantis football and baseball teams?"

[buzzing]

Yeah, we-we were gonna with Mr. Bo Jackson.

Oh, I'm sorry, that is incorrect.

- Williams. - Uh, it's that dude, that dude.

Um, um, with the big ears?

Do you know.. your sister, Jefferson

saw him got busted the other day for robbing..

(Dick) 'Mr. Williams, concentrate please.'

We're working on a clock, not a calendar, Williams.

I got it. Deion Sanders.

That is correct.

[yelling]

- We won! - We won! We won! We won!

We won! We won! We won!

We won! Whoo!

We won.

We won!

We won.

Hey, I'd like to smooze out to all my people in the projects.

Yo, I'm a little dizzy right now

but my man, T.C., Dupree. Y'all keep doin' it, baby.

My man, I know I owe you five dollars

but I'm comin' at you, baby. I'm comin' at you.

Stop, you're embarrassin' us, man.

You're embarrassin' us, get outta here.

Tanya, call me, girl, okay?

And, uh, sorry it didn't work out for you, Websters

but nobody goes home empty-handed here

from "Family Battle."

Take a big grab of our bowl full of pennies.

'Help yourselves.'

(Pops and Shawn and Marlon) Oh-h!

(Dick) 'Alright, uh, gentlemen, uh, gentlemen..'

...congratulations, well, it looks like you did it.

You won $5,000.

Now, you can take that money or would you rather risk it

on the grand prize, a trip to Hawaii and $20,000?

- We're gonna go for it. - 'Wonderful.'

That's right, you know what, we're gonna make it hot.

Now, listen carefully, this is

for all the marbles, here's the question.

"In 1953, "Playboy" magazine shocked the world

"by publishing its first nude centerfold.

What was the name of the woman who posed for that picture?"

You have 30 seconds.

Well, I'm stumped. I subscribed to "Players" magazine.

This is so easy, Shawn, I know this one.

Trust me, we're all going to Hawaii.

I know who it is. It's Marilyn Monroe.

No, man, it's not Marilyn Monroe, Shawn.

Shawn, trust me, I know centerfold, Shawn.

I center my life around 'em, Shawn.

Trust me, it was Hugh Hefner's secretary.

- Janet Pilgrim. - Yeah, great.

I'm tellin' you, he was tappin' that.

Alright, whatever. Everyone knows that's Marilyn Monroe.

She hit Kennedy off the day before and she--

Shawn, hey-hey, listen, it wasnot Monroe.

Shawn, trust me, you said everybody got their niche.

I know booty magazines, okay?

I know them like the palm of my hand.

- Eww! - 'Time's up, Williams.'

For the trip and all that money

who was the first "Playboy" centerfold?

- Trust me. - I'm with you.

But it is Janet Pilgrim.

Janet Pilgrim. Alright, Pilgrim like Thanksgiving.

(Dick) 'Gentlemen, please.'

- Alright. - Janet Pilgrim.

[sighing]

Dick...we're gonna go with Marilyn Monroe.

Yay! We won, we won.

Well, I am sorry.

I am sorry, Marilyn Monroe did appear in that issue

but the first centerfold was Hugh Hefner's secretary..

- Janet Pilgrim. - 'That is correct.'

'If you'd said that a few seconds ago, you'd now be'

'on your way to the sunny shores of Waikiki beach'

but instead you're taking a smelly cab-ride back to Harlem.

But, hey, nobody leaves "Family Battle" empty-handed.

Roll out that fish bowl of pennies.

Congratulations, everyone.

[indistinct]

Nobody's lookin' at our, lookin' at our face.

Uh, tell me about this big ol' plate of food.

I take it, you're feelin' a lot better, huh?

Oh, yeah, right.

You know, I think it was one of those 15 million viruses.

- Yeah, right. - You look good, Marlon.

Thank you, Dee.

Hey, baby boy, I owe you an apology, man.

I should have had more faith in you, kid.

Uh, that's all good, baby.

Hey, just think of it this way

at least we all got to be on TV.

I don't understand you, man.

Why're you so cool about this?

I mean, my arrogance blew the whole trip to Hawaii

and you sittin' here smilin'.

Cuz, you finally proved I'm not

the stupidest one in the family.

- Hey, boy, - Sorry about that.

That's alright, stupid. keep doing your thing.

Oh, damn, man!

If I'd put some honey on my fingers

when I stuck it in that jar

we'd all be sharin' a forty right now.

With this, we'll have to get a little small can

of generic beer.

Just the black and white can, huh?

- Just say beer. - Yeah, well, okay.

[yelling]

- We won! - We won! We won! We won!

We won! We won!

We wo-o-o-o-on!

[screaming]

We won!

(Shawn) Look out, Marlon. Say cheese.