Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Oh, man. Oh, man.

People are just crazy nowadays, I tell you right now.

I mean, why is it that brothers wear shades in the club?

You ever see that? Brothers wearing shades in the club.

'Don't you just feel like slapping them'

on the side of the head and going..

"...Why the hell are you wearing shades in the club?"

That dude is not funny. He's horrible.

Why do you keep dragging me down here, man?

Look at them all gold teeth in his mouth.

Those ain't gold. His teeth are just yellow.

- Ew. - Yo, I'm telling you, Marlon.

You're funnier than all these guys up in here.

Uh..

We need to come together, hold hands

and take our kids out for a walk.

Fathers need to bond with their children..

...and take 'em out for a walk.

It's time, y'all, to teach the babies.

Hey, forget about teaching the babies.

Somebody need to teach you how to brush your teeth.

[all laughing]

Your teeth so yellow like you got a mouthful of sugar palm.

[laughing]

Your teeth so spaced out

it look like your tongue is in jail.

[all laughing]

This is my job, brother.

I don't go down to your job and knock the crack pipe

out of your hand.

Look like you brush your teeth with a grenade.

[all laughing]

[gibberish]

- Teeth today.. - I'm telling you, Marlon.

I'm telling you should go up there

and show him how it's done, man.

- No, Shawn. - Marlon.

Look, man, for the last time..

...I'm not a stand-up. I'm an actor.

All the big-time actors start out as stand-up comics.

Jerry Seinfeld. You know how much he makes an episode?

- What? - A million dollars a episode.

A million dollars?

It make you get ugly when you say it.

(both) A million dollars!

Dang!

[indistinct shouting]

Is this thing on?

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright. Cut and print.'

'Beautiful guys. Dynamite.'

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

- Yo, Marlon. Guess what, kid? - Wassup, man?

I went down to the comedy club and talked to the owner

about getting you on the list for amateur night tomorrow.

Oh, Shawn. No, man.

I-I-I mean, I was funny last night

and all that money and stuff is good

but I've been thinking about it. No.

- I don't wanna do stand-up. - Come on, Marlon.

You got mad talent, kid. Marlon, I'm telling you.

If you just go on that stage, you gonna blow up.

(Dee) 'You're gonna do stand-up?'

'Cause you know I'll be there to encourage you now.

Wait. Hold up, now.

If I was to do stand-up

it would be my first time

so I wouldn't have any jokes.

Oh, look, I'll give you a limerick

about the man from Nantucket.

There once was a man from Nantucket--

Okay. O-o-okay.

- Okay, thank you, father. - Marlon, Marlon, baby.

Do it. You're wonderful.

- They'll love you. Do it. - Do it!

And you're not working here.

That ain't no job.

Yeah, I-I mean, I-I.. It's true.

It ain't like the acting jobs is pouring in.

You know, plus, it'll give me a chance to work

on my little improv skills.

That's right, and your mack daddy skills.

You know, 'cause the ladies love to laugh.

You'd be telling joke on why'd the chicken

cross the road? To pull the drawers down?

[all laughing]

In that case, I'mma do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm telling you.

I cannot wait, and you know

I'll invite some of my friends now.

Hey, Charlie. You wanna go?

Sure, I'll be there, Dee.

Just remember..

...no more special deliveries after 6 o'clock.

[all cheering]

[laughing]

I don't know. This is too much pressure.

- I hope I'm funny. - Oh, you'll be funny, son.

If that doesn't work, I always get a laugh

out of this. Hit it, Shawn.

♪ Pop pop pop pop sugar pop ♪

♪ Sugar pop sugar pop to the popping shop ♪

♪ Now slide slide slide slide ♪

♪ Now grind pop grind grind ♪

♪ Do the low grind do the low grind ♪

♪ Come up come up come up come up come up ♪

♪ Now crack the back ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Oh, I'm crazy.

Hey. Sit down.

I wanna try some of this material out on you.

Alright. Go ahead. Yo, you better be funny, yo.

'Of course.'

Hi, peoples!

- How y'all doing? - We aight!

Your mama so fat, she stepped on the scale

it said, "To be continued.."

Your mama so black

any time she was in night school

the teachers marked her absent.

No, because they couldn't see her 'cause she was black

and they thought she was the teacher's shadow.

She failed the test anyway.

- What happened? - What are you doin'?

- Those are funny jokes. - Marlon.

You ain't never gonna make it as a stand-up

talking about your mother's so black

the teachers marked.. That's not.

All great stand-ups talk about theirself.

They talk about personal experiences, like Bill Cosby.

He used to talk about growing up in Philadelphia.

Remember Cos? You know, the Cos was drunk.

And he would just keep rambling.

And you know, he had the cigar, just talking

he liked to smoke talking about growing up

with his wife Camille.

And the children, stirring the Jell-O pudding

and all the dough.

You want me to talk about puddin'?

No, I just want you to draw from your own life.

Talk about your own experience. Like Redd Foxx.

He used to do a bit about his own experience

at the doctor's office. Uh, he used to go in..

Went to the doctor the other day.

Doctor said, "You got a bad case of xactly."

He said, "What's xactly?"

He said, "Your breath smell

xactly like your behind."

- Alright. - You know what I mean?

Alright. I get it. Alright.

- Definitely. Good advice. - Alright.

- Thanks, man. Appreciate it. - Alright, man.

Talk about something personal, you know.

Like, like your love life.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you know, I'm a freak.

[instrumental music]

(male #2) 'This is the first time on stage for our next comedian.'

So, please, be nice

for Mr. Marlon Williams, ladies and gentlemen.

[cheering]

- Hey, how's everybody doing? - We aight!

Feel good, good to be here.

Um, tonight I want to talk about

something from my life, so I

figure what's better than to talk about the people I love.

My family sitting right here in the front row.

Put the spotlight on 'em and make ithot-uh!

[laughing]

[clapping]

That right there is my father.

Stand up, pops.

Say hi to pops.

[applause]

'My father owns his own diner.'

It serves a wonderful Thanksgiving special.

'Everybody loves his Thanksgiving special.'

Everybody but the pigeon he serves. You know what I mean?

[audience laughing]

'Can you feel me?'

My father's so funny 'cause he's 60 years old

talking about bang, bang, bang.

I'm like, "Pop, you're 60.

"It's more like pah, pah, pah.

That gun is shooting blanks, pop."

Do you feel me?

Spotlight on my brother Shawn and make ithot-uh!

Shawnie. Shawnie.

(Marlon) I love that man.

That is my pride and my joy. That's my brother.

I love him to death. I love him.

Almost as much as he loves himself.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

I swear to God, he just broke up with his girlfriend last week

to get back with himself. Ha ha ha.

He's cute now, but y'all should have seen him back in the day.

Oh, boy.

Before that acne medicine

and them braces kicked in

my brother used to look like this.

[laughing]

And this right here is a good friend of the family, Dee.

Come on, give it up for Dee. Yes. Yes.

[all clapping]

Good friend and a.. She's a very, very sweet woman.

'Very sweet, just not sweet enough to get a man.'

Last time, a man touched her booty

it was in the delivery room. You know what I mean?

Can you feel me?

Make ithot-uh!

[cheering]

Put the spotlight on grandma

and I want you to make it what?

(audience) Hot!

Hot-uh!

I want it to be blowtorch hot!

That's my grandma right there.

'Doesn't she have a beautiful smile?'

Look at that smile.

Too bad they aren't her teeth.

For real. For real, I mean..

The woman is beautiful

but she's crustier than a Dominos pizza.

'When I was little she used to change my diapers.'

Now, I change hers.

Can you feel me?

Make ithot!

Whoo! Whoo! Oh, man.

Now, if you learned one thing from my family, it's..

...don't date your cousins. Ha!

'Can you feel me? Make ithot!'

[cheering]

[whistling]

Mr. Williams. Mr. Marlon Williams.

Marlon Williams, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's hear it for him. Okay. First time doing stand-up.

'First time.'

Okay, now put your hands together

for the comedy stylings of..."Doo Doo Beige."

[audience clapping]

Marlon, that was the best debut I have ever seen.

That was a really nice touch having your family

right out front there.

Hey, you know, you keep this up

you might get your own sitcom.

Really? Hey, maybe I can get on the WB, huh?

[chuckles]

Ooh!

Yes!

Oh, man.

Wassup?

So? How did you like me?

You humiliated us.

You are the one who put them tic-tac shoes on.

Come on, pop, you know I'm only joking.

Pop.

Pop!

Grandma...grandma, now, you know I was only joking.

- Right? - No, I don't, Marlon.

[crying] You broke my heart.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I can't believe Marlon putting our business

in the street like that.

Making up all that stuff how I can't get a man.

Or-or pop serving pigeon.

He-he made it up. Yeah, that's what he did.

He made it up. Don't serve no pigeon.

Anyway, if I was you guys, I wouldn't worry about it.

It was only one night

and nobody's gonna remember anything, okay?

- Good morning, everybody. - 'Morning.'

- Oh, you got some mail, Dee. - Oh.

- It's a love letter. - Oh.

Psych!

While I was waiting

here's a coupon for you.

Fifty cents off a box of Depends.

(Pops) 'Hey, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.'

Where you goin'? Don't you want your usual?

Sorry, Pops, after last night

I'm eating across the street.

Now Marlon got my customers walking out on me.

Forget your customers.

He embarrassedme

in front of my best friends.

All I know is he'd better not be at that

card game tonight 'cause I don't know what I'll do there.

Alright, relax. Don't worry about it.

It's just gonna be the four of us, okay?

Hey, what's poppin', people?

Oh, I see.

Y'all going to try and give me the silent treatment.

Well, just remember, my girlfriend's inflatable.

[laughs sarcastically]

She talk dirty like this.

[hissing]

Okay?

Make ithot-uh!

[laughing]

What's up, techie? How you doing?

Come on, pop, you know I'm only joking, man.

Besides, look, the dude said I could do stand-up anytime.

- Okay? - Oh, Marlon.

It's just not right making fun of us on stage.

Come on, grandma, everybody know you wear diapers.

You can hear it when you walk.

[imitating diaper rustling]

- And I encouraged you. - Hold on, Dee.

Shawn was the one that told me to talk about my family.

No, no, no, I told you to talk

about your own personal experiences

not insult us.

Forget it, you ain't cute.

And you ain't funny, you B-E-T comic.

The nerve of these people.

Pop, come on, man, you know, a brother's only joke..

Look, if you're gonna get all sensitive, then forget you then.

I don't need you.

Okay? I don't need none of y'all.

What do you mean I need them?

I got you booked on a showcase for "Showtime At The Apollo."

I told the talent booker all about you

but without your family, you don't have an act.

Sure, I do.

See, I made a whole new act

with brand-new material.

Yeah, see, this-this is my impression of Marlon Brando..

...in "Booty Call."

[imitating Marlon Brando] Come here, my sexual chocolate.

Let big daddy tap that booty.

Come here, let me pull you by your weave and spank that booty

and knock boots with you.

Like I said, without your family

you don't have an act.

I mean, watching them squirm was the best part.

Now either you get them here or you don't go on.

You know that works for me

but here's where I have issues or problems.

I don't know if they'll come.

Well, you gotta ask yourself a question, kid.

How bad do you wanna make it?

They'll be here.

I hope.

[hip-hop music]

- New deal, you in, Shawn? - I'm in.

Here we go. Read them and weep.

Hey, everybody!

'How's my favorite people doing?'

Huh?

Oh, how are y'all gonna play cards without me?

Why didn't somebody call me?

Well, since I am the cheapest man in New York

I fold. What about you, Dee?

I fold too.

Since I've been so busy worrying about how to get a man

I guess I wasn't paying attention.

Well, I fold too.

I guess I'm too cute to play by myself.

Well, well, well.

I guess the old crusty diaper-lady wins the pot.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Alright, guys?

Beat me, hang me, spank me. I'm sorry.

I mean, hey, you know what?

I rewrote my whole act and this time

I only talk about myself.

How can we trust you?

Come on, grandma. Look at this face.

Come on, grandma, I mean, after all, I..

I just..

I, um..

Poor baby.

I just miss my family.

I just miss my father.

Well..

...I still say you shouldn't

air out dirty laundry in public.

Who do you think we are, the Kennedys?

Get your hands off me!

You know, you're right, pop.

Alright, Marlon, I'm gonna give you one more shot.

Yeah!

Back it up.

Come on, everybody, let's play cards.

My sweet baby.

I knew you wouldn't let the family down.

[chuckles]

'My deal.'

It's a conspiracy out there, trust me.

Why do they call it black Monday

when the stock market crashes?

You ain't never heard of no white Monday!

Ain't that somethin'?

It's tricky, homie. It is tricky!

'The white lady in the front lookin' at me..'

Sittin' there lookin' at me like this.

[imitating white woman] Who taught thisNegro how to read?

The nerve of him!

I'm appalled!

That is very, very phony, homie.

[laughing]

[applause]

Tell 'em like it is, bro!

All set, Marlon. Your family is right up front.

Mr. Masada, I'm a little nervous.

Listen, kid, you score tonight, forget the sitcom

you could get a movie deal.

Now, just relax, take a deep breath

and rip into your loved ones.

You'll be fine.

[instrumental music]

[applause]

Okay, ladies and gentlemen..

...an up-and-coming new comic

knocked us dead the other night.

You're gonna love this guy

Mr. Marlon Williams.

Knock 'em dead, Marlon.

Hi, peoples!

(audience) Hi.

(Marlon) 'Alright. Let me get the spotlight on my family.'

'And make ithot-uh!'

'Yeah!'

Yeah, yeah.

That right there is my pops.

Pops own his own diner.

Um..

'...he, uh..'

[stuttering] '...he owns th-this, this diner..'

You guys should eat there sometime.

It's a, it's a wonderful restaurant.

He serves great food. It's down at the new Neidermeyer Building.

So anytime you wanna check it out, go to Pop's, please.

Y'all give it up for my family sittin' in the front row.

[applause]

A real man doesn't talk about his family.

No, I-I wouldn't do that.

But I will talk about this brother

with the big old eggplant head sittin' right there.

'Get the spotlight on him and make ithot-uh!'

Yeah!

Yeah!

That brother look like someone kicked the hell

out of Louis Gossett, Jr.

[all laughing]

Your head look like half a buttock.

Why don't you and this brother over here get together

'and y'all can make an ass out of yourself.'

[laughing]

Look at you, what you staring at with that old yellow eyes, man?

'You all black with them yellow eyes'

'looking like a coke with lemon.'

He go outside

and he, he stand by the intersection

traffic just slow down.

Hello, stop at yellow!

[laughing]

But y'all, y'all have been wonderful.

Peace, love and, uh, make ithot-uh!

[applause]

[crowd cheering]

Marlon Williams, ladies and gentlemen.

Marlon Williams.

Okay, and now..

...the comedy of..."Cabbage-head."

[applause]

[indistinct chattering]

Now, did you see that?

I killed out there.

And I didn't have to make fun of my family.

Are you crazy? What were you doing up there?

Come on, Bud, I couldn't hurt my family's feelings again.

I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the talent-booker.

Yeah, he was here, right?

- Did he like me? - Like you?

Hehated

The talent-booker was the bald guy!

[gasps]

My bad.

Nice going, genius.

This could really hurt the club.

Mr. Masada, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt the club.

I-I'm-I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry too.

Maybe it'd best if you didn't come around here anymore.

Unless of course, you become famous

and I can make money off you.

[indistinct chattering]

Great show. Hey, you were funny.

- Thank you. - Hercules! Hercules..

Yeah, man, you was damn funny.

- Thank you, man. - I'm proud of you.

Yo, for a minute there, I got a little nervous though.

I thought you were gonna start talking about us again.

Oh, no, no, no.

You know I wouldn't do that.

Alright, I thought about it.

Y'all did look like victims though.

Only thing is, I kinda messed up.

You know the, the bald-head guy I was snappin' at?

- 'Uh-huh.' - He's the Apollo booker.

- Ooh. - 'Yeah.'

Owner said I can't do stand-up here anymore.

- Oh, man. - Well..

At least you kept your promise.

- That's right. - The family.

That's right, crusty.

[laughing]

Don't worry, this is not the only comedy club

that you can play in.

Yeah, Marlon, you could go

to any comedy club around town.

Anyone would be glad to have you.

Yeah, but next time don't talk about that crazy stuff

about me being cheap.

Now, come on, let's crawl out of here

before we have to pay for our drink.

Get down.

Slow down. My bunions are acting up.

Listen, I think I'm gonna hang out

'cause Cabbage-head keeps winkin' at me

I don't know why.

Oh, go on, groupie.

[imitates Dee] Cabbage-head, he might have a lot of money or something.

Hey, kid, you know I wrote a whole new act, right?

- Get out of here. - Yeah, man. Brand-new material.

This is my impression of Little Richard

in "Boyz N The Hood." Okay?

Remember...Little Richard in "Boyz N The Hood."

[imitating Little Richard] Oh, you see, I-I-I, I started gang banging. Yes.

The police cars, homie, very scary, homie.

They call it black and white.

But it's really the outside of the car is all white.

The only thing black about it

is the brother gettin' out the car!

Oh, trust me, the white lady over here looking at me

"I'm too real for you. I'm too real for you, homie."

I am too real for you, homie.

White lady looking at me like

"ThisNegro

Martin Luther King

didn't fight this hard for this!

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.