Original subtitles

There you go, baby girl.

Hey! Wassup, fellas?

Evidently your parole.

Well, and how are you today

my lovable licorice lady of the law?

Just fine, my greasy

green-toothed, ghetto gangster.

So, how's business, my hard workin' homeys?

Oh, my God!

I hope you came by to pick up your two friends..

...Tic and Tac.

Your breath is kickin' like Jackie Chan.

Watow! Watow!

[sniffs]

What, you got a problem with catfish and onions?

What part of the catfish did you eat, the ass?

Oh, listen, listen, listen, fellas.

Look, we've been friends a long time, right?

I mean, you're like second family.

Whenever I get arrested I always

put you down as my next of kin.

Oh, gee, thank you.

What I'm tryin' to say is--

- You want to borrow some money? - 'Uh-hmm.'

Come on, hey, T.C., what happened, man?

You was loaded last week.

Unfortunately, I invested in a horse

that had a drug problem.

Look, the only reason I came to you guys

is 'cause I have no one else to ask, you know.

How about 250?

Hey, man, you better go get a loan shark or somethin'.

Oh, shoot, my knees still haven't healed

from the last time.

But look-look, don't worry, no hard feelings.

I'll figure out a way to get the money one way or another.

[coughing]

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful guys!'

'Dynamite! That is..'

[hip hop music]

[instrumental music]

(Marlon) Knicks, baby!

Okay, It's gonna be dope. I'm gonna kick back..

You know, somethin' ain't right.

This place seems so clean.

Oh, my God, Marlon! We've been robbed, G!

- We what? - We've been robbed!

They-they took my stereo, my speakers

my TV, my VCR!

No, Shawn, not the VCR!

G, my "House Party 3" tape was in there!

Why?

Damn, damn, damn!

Yeah, hello? Yes, police?

I'd like to report a robbery.

Yes, it's a emergency.

Alright, I'll hold.

[instrumental music]

[siren wailing in distance]

[knocking on door]

You called?

Yeah, wow! Only five hours!

Let me guess, long line at the donut shop?

Oh, I see you guys are the victims of a 10-20.

That's a 10-4, Mr. Five-O.

He's a victim of a 10-20 with a 9-0-2-1-0.

Same thing happened on 2-2-7.

That's police talk, baby.

Never mind him.

- They stole his medication too. - Alright.

Anyway, here's a list of the stuff that was taken.

Come on, guys, you don't expect me to believe this, do you?

What? Oh, I see.

A brother can't have an original Picasso, huh?

No, I'm talkin' about this "House Party 3" tape.

I've seen that. Nobody would steal that tape.

What, are ya joshin' me?

Look, I'll have you know that

not only is "House Party 3" a collector's item

but it happens to be my favorite movie

in the whole wide world.

Man, you know how long it took me to learn that

Kid 'n Play dance, huh?

♪ Boo-boo doo-duh uh ♪♪

Ah, yeah!

[indistinct shouting]

Hey, will you stop it with that stupid dance and the tape?

I'm sorry.

Now, officer, do you have

any idea who could have robbed us?

Most robberies are committed by the people

that are closest to you.

Little boy, I will..

But lately there's been a string of burglaries in the area

by someone we call The Sweet Tooth Bandit

because he usually leaves a piece

of butterscotch candy at the scene.

What? How was I suppose to know it was evidence?

Anyway, what's next?

Well, I'm gonna put out an APB.

I'm gonna fax the serial numbers to all the pawn shops

and I'll scan the computers for a similar MO.

We're not gonna get our stuff back, are we?

Nope.

[instrumental music]

Dang, Dee... I feel so violated.

Do you know what it feels like to have some estrange man

puttin' his hands all over your private things?

I wish I did.

Hey! Yabba dabba doozer!

Hey, hey, hey. Cats and kittens.

Uh, Bootsy Collins?

[laughs]

Did you look in a mirror this mornin'

before you left the mother ship?

Who dressed you? Dennis Rodman?

[laughs]

That just proves how little you know about fashion.

Ooh, my eyes can't take this much torture.

Look, brother, I heard about your pad bein' robbed.

And like a real friend, I'm gonna lend you some money

'till you get back out on your feet.

At a 22 percent interest rate, of course.

Dang, where'd you get all that money from?

Ooh! No, no, no!

That ain't none of your...biz-ness!

I almost forget, man. Give me a piece of candy.

My sweet tooth is fiend.

You wouldn't happen to want some butterscotch, would ya?

Yeah, yeah! That'd would be perfect.

That'll be a $1.99.

[cashier machine beeping]

[dramatic music]

I believe the total was $1.99.

Thank you, brother.

Does NBC know they're missin' a peacock?

Marlon? Marlon? Snap out of it.

Shawn, I know who robbed us.

Yeah, so do I. The Sweet Tooth Bandit.

No, I know who The Sweet Tooth Bandit is.

- Really? Who? - Shawn, it's T.C.

Come on, Marlon, you're trippin'!

Black, I know it sounds wild, but, G, he was just in here.

He was flashin' jewelry, he had a big wad of cash.

He even had a new suit on.

Well, not brand-new. It was early '70s.

And let's not forget, hedid

But not for stealing, he was counterfeitin' food stamps

and selling government cheese without a license.

Well, riddle me this, Batman!

Why would he buy some candy for his sweet tooth?

What kind of candy?

Bam!

Butterscotch.

Holy tooth decay, Robin!

Come on, Marlon, everybody likes butterscotch.

- 'Wait.' - Alright, boys.

Get ready for your mouth

to water like a Jheri curl.

Not right now, pops.

- What's the matter, son? - T.C. robbed us.

Marlon, shut up, you don't know that for sure.

Shawn is right, Marlon.

You gotta have a lot of proof before you start

accusin' your friends.

You boys are smarter than that.

At least one of you is.

Look, Marlon, I don't want to hear anymore

about T.C. robbin' us.

You have no proof.

You want some proof?

You can't handle the proof!

[instrumental music]

Okay. Here we go.

We've got one Kool-Aid with no ice

a lime and a red crazy straw.

Oh, that's a beautiful thing.

- Oh, that's alright, baby. - Oh, mm-hmm, mmm.

This is sweet.

It's got more sugar in it than Tevin Campbell.

Oh, boy?

Well, I meant to tell ya, I like my Kool-Aid like my women.

Sweet and thick. Umm!

- Boy, you ain't lyin'. - 'Yeah!'

This ain't nothin' but a glass of Jell-O.

Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Germs, you know.

- Now, I hear ya. - Yeah.

Hey, you think you could get a brother somethin' to snack on?

You know I got the munchies. Oh, yeah.

[bell dings]

Are you in luck?

I have some Toll house cookies

comin' out of the oven right now!

- Get the hell out of here! - I ain't kiddin'.

No, I ain't. Let me take that from ya.

- No, no, I got it. - I'll grab it.

- Okay. I got it. - Hold on to it, then.

- I'm gonna drink all. Okay. - I'mma go get that..

- 'Hey!' - My bad!

- 'What'd you say?' - Nice pad!

Exhibit A. Fingerprints.

I know he got a bloody glove around here somewhere.

(T.C.) 'Man! This came out slammin'!'

Oh, my God! Shawn's ring.

Okay, cookies are coolin'.

Hey, hey, hey! What-what-what's goin' on, man?

What? Yo, what are you doin' in my drawer, man?

What's my brother's ring doin' in your drawer?

That's the question.

Where's my "House Party 3" tape?

Where's my "House Party 3" tape?

- I don't-- - T.C., so help me.

Don't make me strip search you!

- Where's my tape? - Don't touch me!

Shoo! Oh, I'd see what this is all about.

You think I had somethin' to do with your pad being cleaned out.

T.C., I don't think.

Me and Shawn know, and here's the evidence.

How you can do this to me, man?

We're supposed to be boys, and you're stealin' from me?

Oh, boy, how can we be boys

when you think I stole from you, man?

Eh, you are the one with the criminal record, right?

Oh, I see. So it's like that, huh?

As soon as somethin' bad goes down

you blame the brother who's done a little time.

Man, we've been friends for years.

Marlon, you treat me like I'm an ex-con.

Negro, you is!

Facts are facts, brother.

And you know what, T.C.?

From now on, I'm gonna treat you like a ex-friend.

Well, get the hell out of my house then.

I don't see why? Half my stuff is in it.

Let me tell you somethin' about friendship.

- Yeah? - Mister..

[knocking on door]

What?

Let me get my jacket

before you steal this too.

Hot fingers.

And them some ugly-ass pants.

[instrumental music]

There you go, son.

With this lock, this place

will be harder to get into

than the an all-white country club.

You wanted proof?

Well, here's your freakin' proof, you freak!

Settle down. You're not makin' any sense!

Pops...I got proof T.C. robbed us.

Look, I stole this from his house.

Marlon, you little Dick Tracy!

That's his ring. He won it from me in a poker game.

- Oh.. - Marlon.

You didn't go down there, and-and accuse

an innocent man, did you?

What do you have to say for yourself?

My bad?

Yo, man. T.C. probably hates you right now.

Well, actually, he kinda hates us.

I told him you was down too.

Look, you two should march right over there

and tell T.C. how sorry you feel.

And let him know how much his friendship mean to you.

Pops is right, Marlon. Come on.

And you better tell him I didn't have anything to do with this.

Well you know, actually, I-I don't think

T.C.'s gonna be there right now.

Why not?

Well, you know T.C. is a busy brother, Shawn.

He might, he might be out doin' laundry or-or..

...you know, shinin' his gold tooth or..

...makin' license plates?

"Makin' license plates?"

- Marlon? - Huh?

Please tell me you did not drop dime on T.C.

I dropped a whole roll of dimes.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(female #1) 'What do you guys want?'

Look, we just want to get our friend T.C. out of jail.

See, a very funny thing happened.

- Go on and tell her. - You'll find this hilarious.

We thought our boy T.C., was The Sweet Tooth Bandit.

[laughs]

So we called the-the-the fuzz.

This is a new word.

And we had them come arrest him.

Ooh!

T.C. what? What's the full name?

Okay. It's T period C period.

I think it stands for tacky convict.

Here we go. Bring out Thelonius Capricornio.

- "Thelonius Capricornio?" - "Thelonius Capricornio?"

Oh, so that's his name.

Y'all need to go arrest his parents.

You did us a favor turnin' him in.

We got a tip that the bandit hung out

at the Third Avenue lounge, but uh, you saved us a stake-out.

Hey, baby, I keep tellin' you, T.C. didn't do it.

No, he's got a record longer than Diana Ross's weave.

Oh, you all got some nerve comin' down here

after gettin' me locked up.

What you lookin' for now? Reward money?

Come on, T.C., it ain't like that, man.

Oh, no, no, no. Save that drama.

I don't even want to hear it.

Look, T.C. man, I can explain, man--

Hey, look, T.C., Marlon messed up

and we just came down here to fix things.

- Yeah. - Oh. Forget it.

Yo, take me back to my cell, man. Shoot.

The truth is, you two should be

locked up for impersonating friends.

[instrumental music]

We gotta do somethin' to help T.C.

Hey, Dee?

Maybe we could catch The Sweet Tooth Bandit ourselves.

Marlon, Marlon, Marlon!

Fightin' crime is a tough business.

Now leave it to us, professionals.

- Now, go get me a donut. - Come on, Dee, I'm serious.

Look, the police said somethin' about The Sweet Tooth Bandit

hangin' out at the Third Street lounge.

Third Street lounge?

Son, that's a tough place.

When they make you a Bloody Mary

they use your own blood.

Look, Marlon, we don't know anything about

catchin' no criminals.

Now, what I suggest we do

is hire a really, really good lawyer.

No, Shawn, look.

I'm goin' down there to find the guy.

Alright, kid, you know I ain't gonna let you go

down there by yourself, I'mma go with you.

Okay, well, if you're gonna go through with it

you're gonna need my guidance.

'You know, as a highly-paid'

professional security expert..

...I think I know a little bit about catchin' bad guys.

We know, Dee, we seen some of your dates.

Okay, now, you want my advice or not?

- Alright, go on. - Okay, I can tell what to do.

- Alright. - I mean, if you want it.

- No, no, I-I-I want it. - Okay.

- Alright, now. - Yeah, I want it.

[instrumental music]

- Hi, mamita! - Hey, Gloria Estefan.

Hey, I can't stay away from you.

Get her number. Get her number.

Yo, man.

Ew!

Come on, man. Let's do this. Let's do this.

Okay.

[clears throat] Hey, Marlon?

Do you think it was a good idea for us to be out all night?

Why, we already been robbed once.

Well, if you're worried about our life savings

been left at home, unprotected, don't.

I hid it in a very safe place.

Oh, no, don't tell me you hid it

inside your old Air Jordan

sneaker box in the closet?

Shh, not so loud.

Somebody might hear you.

Ah, phooey!

Even if they did hear me

they don't know our address

is 800, West a 117 Street.

Apartment 3-0-3.

The one with the broken lock.

Boy, I hope nobody heard you!

[instrumental music]

Dee...my legs is fallin' asleep.

Uh, Dee, you want to keep your hands on your night stick?

Oh, I'm sorry, my hands slipped.

Dee?

How long is this gonna take?

Listen, it might take a while, fellas.

Once I camped out for 24 hours straight.

What kind of stake-out was that?

It wasn't a stake-out.

I was online for Fabio book signing.

Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh! There's somebody at the door.

- Get back in the closet. - Get back in. Hide!

Gotcha! Come here!

What's up..

[indistinct shouting]

Okay. Okay, stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! Let's get the man!

Let's get the bandit!

- Help me, please! Help me! - Ooh!

- 'Pops?' - Damn!

You all worse than the LAPD! Get me up now here.

- I'm sorry, pops. - You all tried to kill me!

- Sorry, pops. - I'm so sorry.

We thought you was The Sweet Tooth Bandit.

Man, we've been here for four hours

and all we caught was pops.

You know, man, I don't know who we think we're foolin'.

We ain't never gonna catch no Sweet Tooth Bandit.

[doorknob clicks]

There's somebody at the door!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Get down! Get down!

- 'Marlon?' - Okay.

Freeze, dirt Bag!

[screaming]

Hold it right there! Put your hands in the air!

And wave 'em like you just don't care.

- I said wave him. - Cut it out.

Look! He's got my watch on!

- 'We did it!' - 'Yeah.'

We caught The Sweet Tooth Bandit! Ha!

Come on out, pops, we got him!

Is everything kosher?

Come on, guys, I-I-I just needed the money

so I could fix my teeth.

Forget the police. We takin' you to the dentist.

Get your rotten mouth out of here, candy teeth. Get on.

[instrumental music]

(Marlon) Uh, T.C.?

Look, black, I know you'll probably never forgive me.

But I really wanna apologize for all I put you through.

Well, you're right.

What you did was unforgivable.

I mean, it was way out of line.

- I know, but.. - Hey, hold on.

I also heard how you guys risked your lives

to catch the real bad guy, and get me out of here.

Yeah, you know we had to represent, baby.

Just try to make everything right.

Man, word up.

While I was sittin' in that cell

turnin' down an extra dessert from Big Leon..

...I thought to myself, T.C., you're a hypocrite, man!

I mean, how can you expect somebody to forgive you

if you can't forgive them, you know.

- So, we boys again? - Yeah, we boys again.

That's my boy.

Just checkin'.

Uh, T.C., I was just wonderin'.

Where did you get that wad of cash you was flauntin'?

Oh, man. I-I-I answered an ad.

Yeah, I got a thousand dollars

to test an experimental hair-care product.

Really? Well, what does it do?

I don't know, le-le-let's see?

- Oh, word. - Let's check it out, man.

Man, let's take it off and see.

There we go. How does it look?

- It's, it's, it's.. - It's, it's, it's..

Ooh..

You know what? That is fly.

- It is fly? - You should..

Eh, we should go to a club.

We should, we-we might even take you to the hair club.

No! Ha!

[indistinct chatter]

- That's it. - Whoo! Whoo!

- Woo! Woo! Woo! - Woo! Woo! Woo!

[instrumental music]

Uh, the, T.C., uh

make mine...with ice.

(T.C.) 'Okay.'

Uh, lo-lots of ice.

And uh-uh-uh, and uh..

...uh-uh-uh...l-lime.

Please, lime.

- Okay? - 'Yeah.'

Okay.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese!