Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

So, Toya..

...did you have fun tonight, girl?

Oh, I must have. Came back to your place.

Hey, well, you know..

Of course, what girl can resist

an evening of dinin' and dancing?

We took the subway downtown and had a slice of pizza.

Hey, girl, pizza counts as dinin'!

And you know we were doin' a little bit of bumpin'

and grindin' on the E train..

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[laughing]

[laughing]

I, uh..

I thought we were gonna be alone.

[clearing throat] I did too. Uh..

Marlon, what are you doin' here?

Shh, we're watching "Dumb and Dumber."

[shouting]

[turns off TV]

Hey, man, why're you trippin'?

I'm trying to get my movie on!

And I'm trying to get my thing on.

Marlon, you know the rules. I have a guest.

- Shake the spot. - Yeah, well.

I have a guest too.

And we were here first.

- Ain't that right, peaches? - Mm-hmm.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful, guys!'

'Dynamite! That is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something.. ♪♪

[instrumental music]

So you are Toya!

Man, she's even finer than you said.

- Oh, Shawn. - Aw, girl.

And you're right, Shawn.

The mug ain't all that

but the booty is slammin'!

- What? - Girl, he's just trippin'.

Alright, alright. You got it.

We'll go watch the rest of the video at Mike's house.

- Come on, Mike. - Yeah.

These two wanna be alone.

- I hear she's a freak. - What?

Yeah, man, Shawn told me all that he gave her

is a slice of pizza and a forty, she good to go.

Dig it, bro.

You be hittin' it all.

Oh, yeah, I'm good to go, alright.

Good to go home. So long, Shawn.

Hold on, wait, wait, wait. Come on, Toya.

- Oh, come on. - You know what?

Do me a favor and lose my number.

Wait, Toya, come on. Ah, damn!

- Tsk. Too bad. - Mm.

- She was fine! - Mm-hmm.

You know what your problem is, Shawn?

Yeah, I'm looking right at him.

That's the second girl this week you went off, Marlon.

Well, you need to get you some girl

that ain't so sedity!

No, I need to get me a little brother

who knows when to shut up.

Oh, here we go again

just like when we was kids.

"Shut up, Marlon. Get lost, Marlon.

I got company, Marlon, go hide in the dryer."

And you wonder why my hair looks like this.

You wanna know what it is, Marlon?

- What? - You never give me any space.

My whole life you've been taggin' along.

Every time I turn around, there you are!

Well, I got a right to be here too! I pay rent.

Most of the time.

Hold up, y'all.

This ain't about no dryer.

Let me break it down for ya!

Chill out,"Milkom X." Chill.

No, I got a need to speak my mind here, Marlon.

The problem, my brother

is you're toobougie!

You need to keep it real!

How about I put a real foot in your Mayberry behind?

You need a time out, mister.

Come on, Mike. I think Shawn wants his space.

[Marlon mumbling]

Well, good.

It'll be nice to have some peace and quiet

for a change.

Well, you want peace and quiet?

- Yeah. - Shh.

[door slams]

- So sorry. - What are you doin'?

Sorry, sorry..

[screaming]

Get out of here! Get out of here, get out of here.

[instrumental music]

Yo, Marlon, where the hell have you been?

I went home for lunch.

I couldn't find my peanut butter

and ham hock sandwich.

I threw that stinkin' thing out.

- Shawn, how could you, man? - Hey, look.

You know the rules. Anything left out gets thrown out.

I'm so sick of you and these stupid rules.

Yeah? Well.

If you wasn't such a big baby

I wouldn't have to make them up.

I gotta wake you up.

I gotta clean up after you.

I gotta make sure you get to work.

I gotta watch you while you're at work.

So what are you tryin' to say?

I can't take care of myself?

Why don't you just think about that

while I deal with this customer?

Pig.

- Hi, sir, can I help you? - Yeah.

I'm looking for that new profile on Bill Gates.

I'm not sure what magazine it's in.

Oh, that will be in "Forbes."

You also might wanna check out "Money" magazine's

top ten software execs.

Hey, you don't wanna miss

the "Jet's" top ten beauty of the week.

Talk about some software.

[laughing]

Please don't pay him no mind.

He has a power surge problem.

Boy, do you ever quit?

What, I was only jokin' with the man.

And that's the problem, man, I'm tired of your jokes.

Well, I'm tired of you not laughing.

Come on, Shawn, you need to relax, relate.

[inhaling deeply] Release.

And you need to grow up, man.

It's like living with a kid 24 hours a day.

- Oh, so now I'm a kid. - You're damn right!

And I'm sick and tired of it, man.

I can't take it anymore!

Oh, so it's like that?

Yeah, it's like that.

Well, you know what, Shawn, you ain't gotta take it no more.

'Cause from this point on, I'm outta your crib

and I'm out of your life!

I don't need you for nothin'!

- Peace out. - You peace out.

I need nothin' from you!

I still got my job, right?

(T.C.) 'Thanks for letting me hang till mama cools off.'

No problem, bro.

That woman can be so unreasonable.

One little trip to the pawn shop

and she locks me out.

T.C., you hawked the lady's dentures.

I left her the bottoms.

She can still chew.

Yo, gee, what time you got?

[clearing throat]

Five to 9:00. Why?

Oh, are you worried about your baby brother?

You think he's really gonna move out on you?

Tsk. Are you crazy? This is New York City.

Where else is he gonna find a place this cheap?

Besides, that boy is like bad plumbing.

- He always comes back. - Ooh.

Well, hey, T.C.

Well, well, well! Look who's here.

Not for long. I just came to get my stuff.

Oh, come on, man, you ain't serious.

Now you just watch me.

But, Marlon, where are you gonna go?

Yeah, you better leave a forwarding address

so I can tell pop what cardboard box you're livin' in.

Oh, ho ho ho!

Not funny. Alright?

Besides, for your information

I got myself a new roommate. Huh.

Yeah? Who the hell is stupid enough to live with you?

I mean besides me?

Hey, homie roomie.

[laughing]

You're movin' in with White Mike?

- Mm-hmm. - You're ri-i-ight.

My crib downstairs is plenty big enough for two

and you know I could use the extra ca-a-ash!

Yeah, well, you better make sure you have

your half of this month'svisit.

That's right, if you're sick of me

I know you're sick of my money.

[laughing]

Whoo-o-o! You all are cold-blooded.

I'm gonna need me some Swiss Miss up in here.

Marlon, you just remember, the rent is due in two days.

Yeah, you better hurry up and find yourself a new roommate.

Shoot. But, of course, that'll be hard

you being a control freak and all.

What, what, you think you're the only person around here

that can find theirself a roommate, huh?

Huh? Well, meet my roommate.

T.C.

[laughing]

Whoo-o! I'll give my mama notice immediately.

I can't wait to get my security deposit back.

Well, my Aryan brother

it seems like we got some partying to do.

Let's go.

A-ain't you gonna grab all your stuff?

- I got it. - Oh.

You ain't borrowing my underwear, man.

[Van McCoy performing "Do The Hustle" on player]

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Do the hustle ♪

♪ Do the hustle ♪

♪ Do the hustle ♪

[whirring]

♪ Do the hustle ♪♪

[whirring]

Ooh!

I see you've decided to get up, man.

A little beets and wheatgrass?

Hey, now where are you..

[T.C. mumbling]

One more peep out of you, and you're next.

- Got it? - Oh, yeah.

Good.

[alarm ringing]

[groaning]

[alarm ringing]

[ringing continues]

[bawling]

- Mike? - Hm?

- 'White Mike.' - Hm?

What time did you set the alarm for?

I don't know, man, the usual.

9:30, 10:00, 11:00.

Oh, man!

Now I'm late for work.

Oh, man!

Hey, look at you.

The man's got you runnin'.

The man is my brother..

...pharaoh-leprechaun.

Hey, I'm hungry. You want some breakfast?

Yeah, cool.

- So whatcha makin'? - I ain't cooking!

I gotta get in the shower, man.

Sorry, homeslice, no hot water.

No what?

Of course, now that you're paying rent

maybe we can get some of them utilities cue back on.

Great, now I have to call my brother

and tell him I'm gonna be late.

That's one of them utilities.

Take my advice, Pops. Stay out of it.

How can I? I got one son living with a dolomite.

Another son living with ultra bright.

It's their business, they're grown men!

Well, at least they're tall men.

Well, I don't care. It just ain't right.

They're family, and families should stick together

and take care of one another.

Family? Didn't you kick 'em out of your house?

I don't believe you went there!

This ain't about me!

Alright, boys. We gotta talk.

- What's up, Pops? - Now, I know you're adults.

You can make your own decision

and I'm not the one to come and get all in your business

and tell you what to do.

But you two are gonna move back together

and that's the way it's gonna be.

Oh, no, we ain't, pop. Forget it.

Uh, moving out was the best thing I ever did.

Yeah, we should've done this years ago.

- Mm-hmm. - Who're you two tryin' to fool?

You know you can't live apart.

Come on, pop. We ain't that close.

Oh, no?

[screaming]

That don't prove nothing.

Now why're you two being so stubborn?

You know you're lying like a one-legged dog.

I ain't lying, pop.

For the first time in my life, I'm really happy.

- Yeah, me too. - Forget happiness.

Forget it!

Brothers should be together..

...I don't care how miserable you are.

Pops, you gotta butt out, man.

- We're grown men. - That's right, pop.

You just simply can't tell us what to do no more.

- Well...maybe you're right. - Yeah.

- I'll just keep quiet, huh? - Yeah.

- I won't say nothing. - Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna let my belt do the talkin'!

[groaning]

Aa-ah!

Welcome home!

You look like Eddie Murphy in

the "Remember The Time" video.

I told you, Wednesday is my grooming night.

You see, the magic that is T.C.

doesn't just happen.

It takes work, discipline

and a whole lot of cocoa butter.

Well, if you don't mind me askin'..

...when is bath night?

'Cause your underarms are kickin'.

Smell like you got a bag of onions in the headlock.

[laughing]

[gibberish]

Too much bathing

strips your body of its natural oils.

Yeah, well, you've got enough natural oils

to make curly fries.

Oh, w-w-wait..

Hold, hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it. Is the closet broken?

What?

Hang the jacket up.

And while you're at it, take off those wet shoes.

I just waxed that floor.

When, after you waxed your legs?

Don't hate me because I'm smooth and silky.

[scoffing]

More like slick and slimy.

Look here, bro. It's time to lay down some house rules.

Alright.

Rule number one.

Body oils must be stripped daily.

Okay. I have a rule.

[clearing throat]

No borrowing of clothes.

I know you had your eye on my zebra cape.

[laughing] No, actually I was clockin'

the monkey-skinned Speedos.

Alright.

Rule number three.

If a roommate wants to entertain a lady

the other roommate must leave the premises.

[doorbell ringing]

Bye, Shawn.

Come in, ladies.

You're just in time to help me rinse.

[doorbell ringing]

Now who's that?

Oh, I, um, invited a couple of people over.

- You know. - Oh, come on, Mike.

Not tonight again!

- Hey. - Hey.

[upbeat music on stereo]

A couple of people, Mike?

This looks like we're shooting "House Party 4!"

Hey, I brought my karaoke machine.

- Where can I plug it in? - Bend over and I'll show ya.

Yo, yo, yo, man.

Why're you dissin' my guests?

You need to free your mind.

I need to kick your behind.

[music continues]

- 'Yo, gee, you look beat.' - 'Oh, me? No, no.'

I just partied with White Mike last night, you know.

Livin' the life. A-ha.

I know exactly what you mean, man.

Hey, remember that time we threw that Super Bowl party

and invited our own cheerleaders?

Oh, yeah!

[laughing]

- Them girls had some pom-poms. - You know what I'm saying?

Boy, we scored more than the Dallas Cowboys that night.

I know, right? Whoo!

(together) Oh, man.

I can't remember the last time

I had that much fun.

Yeah, me neither.

Oh, of course, except for now.

You know, now I'm having a ball.

Oh, yeah, man. Me too.

Me and White Mike are just doin' it.

I hear that.

I know exactly what you mean, man.

Last night T.C. brought

a couple of little honey dips over to the crib.

Oh, so you're tryin' to get you a little bit of action, huh?

Well, hey, hey, hey. You know, I'm not gonna brag, bro.

But let's just say

somebody was knockin' some boots.

That's probably T.C.

[laughing]

Yo, what's up, roomie? What's happening, kid?

- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I have a word with you?

Yeah, of course, I mean

if you can't talk to your roommate..

[chuckling] ...who else can you talk to?

His parole officer.

Now why you wanna bring Murray into this?

[scoffing] Forget that, man. What's up, T.C.?

[gibberish]

Hey, you don't mess with the corns, brother.

Oh, my bad, my bad.

Let's not talk here, alright?

Oh, I get it.

Bid'ness.

Alright. Well, we could talk in the diner.

So what's happening, kid?

Hey, you got some yesterday or what?

- 'What happened last night?' - 'Nothing.'

(Shawn) 'Come on, hey.'

- Yo, Marlon? - Hey, what's up, White Mike?

My man! What's up, man?

Some party last night, huh?

Oh, yeah. Let me see.

Someone stole my CD, I woke up to see

two bums doing the butterfly on the fire escape.

And to top it all off, someone puked in my shoes.

Lucky thing I borrowed them things from Shawn.

But, hey, Mike, it's all good, homie.

Actually, man, ain't none of it good.

It's what I came to talk to you about.

What's up?

It's about this whole roommate thing, man.

It's-it's whack!

What'd you mean "It's whack?"

Well, whack means that it's not good--

I know what whack means, fool.

So what are you, what are you tryin' to say?

That you don't wanna be my roommate no more?

I, I just need a roommate that knows how to party, man.

You know what I'm saying?

Lemme get this straight.

You don't wanna live with me?

Well, I'm sorry, man.

This morning was the last straw.

And what happened this morning?

Don't act like you don't know.

What? The glass, Shawn.

The glass!

- What glass? - 'What glass?'

The-the one you left out on the coffee table

all night after I had waxed it.

You didn't even put a coaster underneath it

not even a napkin, Shawn, nothin'!

Now, I am sorry, but I can't live like that.

So are we cool, bro?

- Yeah, we're cool. - Alright.

Hey, Mike.

You sure this ain't got nothing to do with that O.J. verdict?

Look, man, there's a party at my place tonight.

Take a flyer.

It's all good..

...again.

Yo, what'd Mike want?

Uh, he just wanted to tell me about this party.

Shawn, can I be honest with you?

What's up, kid?

I don't wanna live with White Mike no more, man.

- You don't? - Yeah, man, he's too wild.

- I gotta get outta there. - Well, look, kid.

If it's that bad, I mean you're always welcome

to come back home with me.

Word? What about you and T.C.?

Well, forget that. You're my brother, man.

Family looks after family.

I'll just kick T.C. out.

So your roommate dumped you too, huh?

Uh, yeah!

- Can you believe that? - Yeah, I can believe it.

I used to live with you, remember?

Alright, don't go in there.

Well, it looks like we're stuck with each other, baby.

I guess so.

So you're not gonna mind me being around you all the time?

Nah, actually I kinda miss hangin' out with you.

Really? Even though I embarrass you?

Aw, gee, you don't embarrass me, man.

[burping ] Really?

Alright, sometimes.

But the point is..

...you're cool, you're my little brother

and I love you.

- I love you too. - Come on, man.

Alright, man, come on, we got some movin' to do.

You smell like a delicate custard.

[burping]

- Hey, Shawn? - What's up?

About them shoes I borrowed from you.

Yeah?

They ain't gonna smell the same.

Nice work, boys.

They fell for it, hook, line and sinker.

Here you go.

[all laughing]

I paid my, paid my debts. There you go.

Uh, b-b-but you-you said

we were gonna get $50.

No, I said you were gonna split a 50.

Oh, you buggin', old man!

I wants my paper.

Well, how about y'all split 50 of these?

Just another half hour, I'm tired.

Okay, fine. Go back to sleep.

I'll tuck you in. Okay?

- Thank you, bro. - Yeah.

Now you look like a ghetto burrito.

(Marlon) 'Hey! Hey, knock it out!'

[Marlon screaming]

Sleep tight.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.