Original subtitles

[heavy breathing]

You ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

You think we can take 'em all?

We're ready for 'em this time.

- Hey, Shawn? - 'Yeah?'

If somethin' happens to me..

...I want you to know I love you.

I love you too, man.

Here they come.

Take no prisoners.

[whispering] One, two, three.

[screaming]

I hate roaches!

[both grunting]

I got one in my hair! I got one in my hair!

[grunts]

I got it, Marlon.

Marlon?

Marl? Hey, Marl?

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite. That is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪♪

Ah, yes.

A jewel for my jewel.

I sure can pick 'em.

[door opens]

If you're busy, I can come back later.

Oh, oh, no, no, check this out, check this out.

Come on, man. I don't wanna see that.

No, no, no.

I'm not talkin' about that.

I'm talkin' about this ring.

Look, I bought it for Lisa's birthday.

- Oh, word. - Yes.

See, it even got a real diamond.

Where?

There.

Where?

- There. - Where?

Man, let's see that.

Tilt your eye up.

Forty-five degree angle. There.

Oh, okay, okay, I see it, I see it, I see it.

I thought that was a grain of salt.

Maybe I won't mention the diamond.

What's that?

Another parkin' ticket.

Damn, Marlon. Which one of the words

"No Parking" can't you understand?

Shawn, it's that alternate-side of-the-street thing.

I can't get it.

Okay. I got a ticket, right?

So I park my car on the other side of the street.

The next day I get another ticket.

Look, that's ten tickets for me

and 13 tickets for you.

Now, as soon as we pay all these tickets off

we're sellin' that car.

Shawn, you can't sell my car.

Where am I gonna take a girl

when you and Lisa are in the apartment?

- You take girls to that car? - Yeah.

It doesn't even move.

It moves, alright.

Boy, oh, boy, does it move.

Shawn, when I'm in there with Mustache Sally..

...it'd be movin' and shakin'.

I don't care what you say. That car's a piece of junk.

- No, it's not. - It's a menace to society, man.

No, it's not, besides

Bentley's pops said he was gonna fix it for me, Shawn.

Bentley's pops? Bentley's pops had a stroke.

He's still got feelin' in his right hand.

Come on, man, you can't sell my car.

What am I gonna do without a car?

A man needs his car, Shawn.

- Just take the bus, man. - Hey.

Hey, my birthday girl.

And there's the man I love.

I just stopped by to say hi on my way to class.

Wow! Would you look at this watch?

See? Now, that's a diamond.

That's like starin' at the sun

or lookin' at a candle

or gettin' beat upside your head by a cop's flashlight.

My daddy bought me this for my birthday.

A diamond watch?

Yeah. Do you like it?

Uh, yeah, it's-it's-it's nice. It's a nice watch.

That ain't nothin', Shawn, show her what you got her.

Shut up.

Lisa, this boy got you somethin' so special

you will never forget it.

Really? Can I see it?

It's not ready yet, um..

...it's being handmade

and I'mma give it to you tonight

uh, when I make you your special

birthday dinner at 7 o'clock.

You're gonna make me dinner?

Yep, and Lisa, when you see this gift this boy got you

you're gonna faint, girl.

I'mma need some smellin' salts to wake you up.

I can't wait to see what it is.

Yeah, me neither.

[instrumental music]

Ah!

Ain't nothin' like a good cup of coffee in the mornin'.

Oh, man, this is my 13th cup this mornin'.

I feel alive! Whoo!

- Hi, Shawn. - What's up, Pops?

What's the matter, son?

You look sadder than a fat woman in a G-string.

I'm havin' a little trouble with Lisa.

All couples go through that now.

This is what you do.

Spice things up with costumes.

Last Saturday night, I wore a red leather matador suit.

Your mama and I had a little bullfight, you know.

Not that kind of trouble, Pop.

Good. Because what your mama and I do in private

is none of your business.

Pops, let me ask you a question.

When you got baptized..

...how long did they hold you underwater?

Have a cup of coffee, son.

It'll cheer you right up. Look at me.

I had a whole pot. I'm happy as a clown.

So what's the problem anyway?

Well, it's Lisa's birthday

and I wanna get her a really nice gift.

But everything nice is too expensive.

Well...it is a problem.

Of course, you haven't looked everywhere yet.

Uh, uh-huh, Pops, you know, I ain't goin' to the junkyard.

What do you mean a junkyard? Come on. I ain't Fred Sanford.

I got some new merchandise in.

Come on, Pop, anything you're sellin', I don't want any.

I'm not telling you to buy anything. Just take a look.

I got some nice gold chains, look. Looks just like real gold.

And if I put it on it will turn my neck just like real green.

Give that back to me. How about a set of steak knives?

I'm dating Lisa. Not Lorena Bobbitt.

'Okay.'

How about a prosthetic foot?

Forget all that stuff, Pops. You're ill.

- I'mma go have some coffee. - Good. I think I'll join you.

Hey, yo, Pops, when's the health inspector comin', man?

I'm tired of wearin' this stupid hairnet.

Anytime now. Besides, it look good on you.

Yeah, just give me some flip-flops and a mumu

and I'll look just like grandma.

[imitating Grandma Ellington] Hey, Shawny!

- What's up, kid? - Shawn.

Hey, yo, I got that $200 for the parkin' tickets.

I sure wish I could keep that money, though.

Look, I'm not happy about it, either.

Sure, I could take that money and put it towards Lisa's gift.

Yeah, you could buy her a microscope to find that

diamond you got her.

Hey, it ain't all about the size. It's the quality.

Yeah, that's what all men with small diamonds say.

Alright, calm down, calm down.

Calm down, have a cup of coffee.

Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee.

Coffee make the world go round. Coffee, coffee, coffee.

The world's a beautiful place with coffee.

Hey, Pop, I-I don't want no coffee, man.

Have some coffee! Everybody...drink some coffee!

Everybody, free coffee. Come on. Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee..

This is my 14th cup today..

[coughing]

Yeah, Bentley's father sure did do a good job fixin' the car.

What is this, like, the third fire today?

Hey, man...at least it kept the car warm.

Come on, you can't just leave it here.

You're blockin' somebody in.

This is a Mercedes.

What, it's gonna ram us?

Besides, what are we doing here anyway?

I'll only be a minute. We're just going here

to see if I can find somethin' nice for Lisa.

- Alright. - Lock up.

[keys jingle]

[locks click]

[coughs]

Excuse me, madam.

I-I just want you to know..

that the cases are hooked up to a silent alarm

and we don't have any cash.

That's okay. Today's our day off.

Besides, we left our ski mask at home.

- Yay. - Oh, I am so sorry.

I-I-I'm a little bit on edge.

I've had three hold-ups

and they were all, well, you know, urban.

That's funny, I went to

three different jewelry stores today

and all the salespeople have been

well, you know, bigots.

Well, we don't have any of that here

so if I can help you in any way

I'll be over there at the security camera.

Damn.

[mumbling]

This stuff is nice.

Hey, Shawn, what do you think?

I think you look like Esther Rolle.

[imitating Esther Rolle] Oh, James!

I don't know why you're in here.

You can't afford anything in this store.

You don't know that.

- Excuse me, ma'am. - Yes?

How much is it for this necklace?

- Uh, $6,000. - Six thou..

Are-are you alright? Oh..

You look like my husband

when he found out that his country club

let that Goldberg fellow in.

I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

I-I just was lookin' for somethin'

a little, little more..

- What's that word? Uh.. - Cheap.

Well, I'm sorry, dear.

But, uh, maybe you're in the wrong kind of store.

Perhaps you should try Sears.

[laughing]

Oh, you are killin' me, Tweety bird's grandmother.

Uh, look here, just give me somethin' a little..

...less expensive, that's all.

Well, okay.

Fine. Now, you just brace yourselves.

[laughing]

Where is the comedy coming from?

Now, this is four.

- Thousand? - Hundred.

- Oh, that ain't too bad. - 'No.'

What? Are you kidding me?

$400, I go to Chinatown and live like a king.

Well?

- It sure is beautiful. - Mm-hmm.

Man.

Yeah, too bad you can't afford it.

- Yes, I can. - No, you can't.

Look, Marlon, just give me the money

and I won't have to hurt you.

Boy, you ain't scare nobody. I'm a man now. Shoot.

Alright, alright. Here!

Take it! Take all the money. Here!

Take everything. Take it all.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

Thank you very, very much.

Oh, I must remove the price tag.

No, no, no, no, do-don't do that. Don't do that.

Matter of fact, could you add a couple of zeros?

You know, it's for my girl.

I'm sure she will be very very happy.

- 'Oh, yeah.' - 'Now, there you go.'

Are either of you, uh, the proud owner of a 1968 GTO?

- No. - Yes.

- Yes. - No.

Well, at least you got your story straight.

Are you aware that you're double parked?

That's impossible.

We only have one car.

It's just stupid.

Sorry, we just, uh..

...just about to move the car--

Are you aware that you have $400 in unpaid parkin' tickets?

Yes, we're totally aware of that--

Are you also aware that

there is a warrant out for your arrest?

- I didn't know about all that.. - I mean, I got a call from..

- Let me show you my ID. - Hey, hey, hey, don't move!

Freeze, dirt bags!

[instrumental music]

(male #2) 'Alright, come on, come on, come on. Get in here.'

- Let's go. Let's go. - Hey, hey, hey.

You better be gentle.

I got a video camera in my pocket.

Oh, get over there.

Marlon, will you just calm down.

Everything's gonna be alright.

I can't believe this, man.

Mom's gonna kill me.

Pop's gonna kill me.

He's gonna kill me.

Will you calm down? Would you just get a hold of yourself.

I'm trying!

Alright, show time, folks.

Come on. Let's go.

Everybody smile for the cameras.

'Turn to the right.'

'The right.'

Just face me.

Hey, hold on. Can we, can we do that again?

I didn't smile right.

Alright, cover girls, over here.

Yo, do me a favor.

If the pictures come out any good

could you send me some back?

- For me and my girl. - And one for my mommy.

Hey, yo, what's up, Arsenio? You got the time?

Yes.

Alright, let's see those hands.

Ah..

...fingers on the pad.

Look, Marl, just like Marion Barry.

Hey, that pad got ink on it, man.

Shh.

Alright, come on.

Until your father gets here, you guys are in the tank.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

How come he got to make a phone call, and I don't?

Alright, but make it real quick.

How come you always do what I do?

Copycat, copycat, copycat.

Hi, Lisa?

Sorry, baby, I'm gonna be late for our birthday dinner tonight.

Why?

- We got stuck in traffic.. - Um..

B-because I'm stuck in traffic.

I'll kill you!

I'll kill you all!

Who...who was that?

Um, that was, uh..

...that was the, uh, the cab driver.

Yeah, that was the cab driver.

Hey, make a left over there, Punjab!

A left, Punjab!

No problem, sir.

Okay, Lisa, well, baby, I-I'll talk to you later.

- I love you. Bye-bye. - Bye. Love you too, Lisa.

Come on. I don't have all night.

Oh, my God!

Will you calm down? Everything's gonna be alright.

Oh, my God!

Excuse me, officer.

Could you do me a favor?

Like what?

Could I use your gun for an hour?

[chuckles]

There he goes.

Last man that's not gonna wanna make me his wife.

What are you worried about? I'm the pretty one.

Shawn, I got a confession to make.

What?

Over the years, I stole a lot of money from you.

Ah, don't sweat it, kid.

I also have a confession to make.

Over the years, while you were sleepin'..

...I hit you in the head a lot.

Oh, thank you, God!

I thought that was a tumor. Whoo.

Goodbye, Marlon.

Goodbye, Shawn.

And to think..

...I never got to see Paris.

First time?

- Yeah. - Uh, yeah.

You want some advice?

There's only two ways to survive in this place.

You can either fight..

...or make friends.

We'll probably fight.

Well, suit yourselves, but you better do somethin'

better than what you've been doin'

or I'll kick the crap out of both of y'all myself.

See what you did? We could've had a nice friend.

Shawn, I'm scared, man.

When these dudes find out we're in here

for parkin' tickets

they're gonna kill us.

Will you calm down, man?

Look, I know how these people work, okay?

I know how to handle them. You gotta be strong.

- Okay. - They can smell fear.

I was wonderin' what that smell was.

Look, as long as you're with me

ain't nobody gonna mess with you.

Big brother got your back.

Good.

'Cause that guy over there is lookin' at me funny

like he wants some trouble.

- Who? That guy? - Mm-hmm. Right there.

That's who you scared of?

I'll take and I'll squash his head like a pea!

Yeah!

And then I'll take and I'll-I'll rip his ears off.

Yeah!

- And then tie him in a knot. - Yeah!

Yeah. Huh.

- Yeah, what's up? What's up? - Now.

- What's up? What's up? - Now.

Hey, yo, my man.

You got some kinda eye problem with my brother?

- Shawn, Shawn, Shawn, Shawn! - What's up? No, no, no..

- Come get some! - Shawn.

- What? - I'm not talkin' about him.

Ah, yo, I don't--

I'm talkin' about this guy right here.

I don't care who you are talkin' about.

I got them back. You know what am sayin'.

'Cause ain't nobody runnin'..

You lookin' for some trouble?

Hey, brah

what's all this black-on-black crime, huh?

Let's not add to the statistics.

Go ahead, Shawn, tell him

how you gonna splat his fat head.

Tell-tell him how you're gonna twist him into a knot.

- Shut up, Marlon. - Yeah. And-and ring your bell!

Shut up, Marlon.

Ooh, is that right?

You messin' with the wrong person.

That's my brother you're messin' with.

Hey! Oh, come on, man. Come on, big..

Oh! Alright, get off of me.

Get off of me. Alright.

I'm countin' to three, and then I'm goin' crazy.

One, two, three.

One thousand nine hundred and ninety-eight

one thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine..

...two thousand! Get off me!

[chuckles] Two thousand.

That's when I get out of here.

Don't you ever turn your back on me, boy. Here, come on.

I got you. Say uncle!

- Say uncle! Say uncle! - 'Say it. Say it!'

Well, say uncle. Say uncle!

Oh, what?

Tryin' to get tough. Come here, boy.

Let me show you what time it is jailhouse, boy.

'What you know about the jailhouse, boy?'

Jailhouse! Show me what you got, baby.

Sugar Ray. Football, baby.

Marl! Get the left! Left jab! Left jab! Left jab!

Get him on low!

Marlon, are you okay?

Marlon?

Grandma?

You want me to walk towards the light, grandma?

Hey, back off, Tiny, don't you touch my boys.

I know your mama, boy!

Boy, Pops, I never thought I'd be so happy to see you.

Oh, I wish I could say the same.

I'm just happy this is over.

It ain't over yet. Your mama's in the car.

And she ain't too happy.

(together) What?

Oh!

[instrumental music]

- Aw! - Sorry 'bout that.

Ooh, yeah!

Let me go get some cologne.

Hi.

(together) Hey, Happy birthday!

Wow, this is great.

(together) Yeah.

I'm surprised you got out of jail in time.

You know?

Shawn, who do you think gave your father

the $400 to bail you out?

Well, uh, I gotta go.

I think I helped enough for today. Ooh.

Will you get outta here?

I'm sorry, baby. I..

I tried to get you somethin' really nice

for your birthday and I..

I messed up.

Shawn, I keep tellin' you

I don't care about presents.

Yeah, but you deserve nice things.

I wanna give you the world, girl.

I love you.

Baby, you are my world.

- I love you. - I love you too.

Happy birthday.

[gasps]

It's beautiful!

Yeah, uh

you might wanna rinse it off first, uh

I had to hide it when I was in lockup.

[instrumental music]

- That's true. - T-that's what happened to us.

Now, tell us about your time in the big house.

Me and the homeboys..

...were running guns out of Mexico.

Well, I will tell you, we could've all

gotten away with it

but there was a border guard

'started dissin' me.'

- What? - Say what?

I had no choice.

I had to shoot his head clean off.

He looked like a Roman candle!

[laughing]

(together) Ooh.

Did I ever show you a picture

of my little granddaughter, Elise?

(together) Oh!