Original subtitles

Hey, Shawn, I didn't know you got Chinese food.

Huh.

Ooh, lo mein. My favorite.

Mm-mm.

Hey, Marlon, have you seen my bait?

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright. Cut and print!'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite! That..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪♪

The customer ordered this bacon extra crispy.

Does this look extra crispy to you?

[speaking in Chinese]

No, it's not extra crispy.

[speaking in Chinese]

Hey, watch your language. I'm still the boss around here.

Here you go, slick.

Excuse me, I believe I ordered these scrambled.

Oh, lemme take care of that for you.

- Here you go. - That's much better. Thanks.

Hey, we aim to please, brother.

- Hey, what's up, Pop? - Oh, I'm sorry, son.

You gotta take over. I gotta go home.

Why? What's wrong?

Your mama and Aunt Lucille

had a big fight again.

Oh, what are those two big-boned women

fighting about now?

I don't know.

Your Aunt Lucille said that

you were a deadbeat son.

Your mama said she looked like Barry White.

And it got kind of nasty after that.

Look, you don't wanna get involved with that, pop.

Let them have their little catfight.

Just tell her you're working.

It's not that easy, son.

Let me tell you something about marriage.

It ain't all romance and champagne

and bang-bang-bang.

Sometimes you gotta be tender, holding their hand

lending an ear, sitting on your mama's stomach

so she can zip up her pants.

Damn, pop, you've changed.

When we was kids, you never listened to mom.

You'd just sit on the couch in your underwear

drinking beer.

- Yeah, you was my hero. - Yeah?

Yeah, remember that time mom won a VCR

and you put your foot down?

You said "Forget about a VHS because Betamax is the future."

Then we'd go to the video store and there'd be nothing to rent.

But it was all good. You know why, pop?

'Cause you was the boss.

Yeah, yeah, those were the days.

Yeah, I miss the old pop.

You're right. What's become of me?

What am I gonna do?

Oh, no, you-you getting soft, pop.

You know, I was reading this book.

You reading a book?

And in the book it says that women like a man

to take control, to take charge.

They like a real man, pop.

You're right. You know what I gotta do?

I gotta go home and tell your mama that I am the man.

That's right, pop, go in there and take charge! You the man!

- Yeah. - You the man!

Who does she think she is anyway?

Telling me to stop what I'm doing

in the middle of the day

and come home and play nursemaids.

I'm talking about..

"Aunt Lucille said that Marlon was a deadbeat."

So? Get over it, woman, I have.

Damn, pop!

What did I do with my damn coat?

[speaking in Chinese]

No, it's not in the closet.

- What's up, baby boy? - What's up, Shawn?

- How you feelin'? - Chilling, man.

- Yo, good news. - What's up?

Lisa's girlfriend Kim broke up with her boyfriend.

And she's coming to our party on Friday.

Word! You talking about Kim? Kim with the baby hair?

- Yeah. - Oh, man, this is phat.

I love a girl that just broke up with her man.

They feel so lonely and desperate.

And then they lower their standards.

And that's where I come in.

Smooth talk.

Well, you don't know nothing about women, do you?

Well, what are you talking about?

I just fixed mom and pop's marriage

for your information.

What did you do?

Hi, Shawn.

Marlon, you take over.

I'm gonna go home and set your mama straight.

I'm gonna tell her who's the boss.

- Yeah! - And it ain't Tony Danza.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, pop.

Don't, don't, don't go

in there like that.

Don't do that. You're just gonna make her mad.

Now, you gotta treat women as an equal.

No, you do not.

Shawn, you might have my pretty looks

but, obviously, Marlon's got my brains.

From now on, the old Pops is back.

I'm gonna go home and tell your mama

there's a new sheriff in town.

He's a bad mamma jamma.

Hee-haw!

Go on, pop!

Hello? No, it's okay. He's gone now.

I can talk in my regular voice.

Here we go. Mm, boo-yah, baby!

Seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Boardwalk, baby. I'm buying it.

♪ We're moving on now ♪

♪ To the east side ♪

♪ To the deluxe apartment ♪

♪ In the sky ♪♪

Um, excuse me, Weezy. I already own it.

You owe me a hundred twenty bucks.

Damn!

[knocking on door]

Don't touch anything.

- Hey, hey. Hey, pop. - Hey, Shawn.

What's going on? What are you doing?

Oh, I just stopped by to let you know

how things went with mama and me.

You told mom that you was the boss, right?

- Oh, I was a sight to behold. - Yeah.

I marched right in there..

...looked at her in that good eye..

...and said, "Woman, from now on we're going back to the old way.

'"I'm the man of this house. I bring home the bacon.'

Now go in the kitchen and fry me up some fish!"

Yeah, pop. That's how you do 'em, baby.

And what did ma say?

I don't remember.

When I come to, some stranger was helping me on the bus.

Hey, pop, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? Spending the night.

No, Pops, I told you not to listen to Marlon.

Hey, don't blame me.

It says right here in the book

that this shouldn't happen.

What book? Give me that.

"How To Get Women To Sing To Your Tune."

Who wrote this, Ike Turner?

Man, you got problems.

Yeah, that's why I got the book.

It's got pictures of naked women too.

Hey, you two stop squabbling.

- Pops is in the house. - Yeah.

This is gonna be great. Just the three of us.

It's gonna be like that summer that..

...ma took Aunt Lucille to Happy Town

'cause she was hearing those voices, remember?

[gibberish]

Pop, this is not good, man.

You should be at home with mom, working things out.

If I go back with your mama, I'll be in Happy Town.

[gibberish]

Pops, relationships is all about problem solving.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Marlon, you were right.

- We're gonna have a lot of fun. - Yeah.

We're gonna stay up late and watch Merv Griffin.

Uh, pop, Merv Griffin's been canceled for years.

(Pops) 'The point is we're gonna have'

a whole lot of fun all night long.

- How long, pop? - All night long.

All night long. Huh.

Is it just my watch or is it only 9:30?

You know, 9:30 seemed so much later when we was kids.

Let's just watch some TV.

Cool.

- Ah. - Ooh, a Jamie Lee Curtis movie.

Wonder how long it's gonna be before she shows her.. Whoa.

There they go.

I can't sleep with all this racket in here.

Hey, is that a Jamie Lee Curtis movie?

Too bad I've gotta get up early.

[TV switches off]

'Night, boys.

Wait a minute.

I don't wanna go to bed yet.

You're the one that gave Pops the great advice.

Now shut up and go to bed.

Piss off.

You ain't sleeping with me wearing that.

What? Look, first of all, I'm not sleeping with you.

I'm just sleeping in the same bed as you.

Let's get that straight right now, okay?

Besides, this is how I always sleep..

...until I get hot.

Yeah, if you get hot near me

you ain't never waking up.

- Fool yourself if you want to. - Alright.

Damn, your ass is freezing.

Get off me and shut up.

Don't tell me to shut up? You shut up.

- You shut up. - You shut up, cold ass.

- You shut up. - You shut up!

(Pops) 'Both y'all shut up in there!'

- Sorry, Pops. - That was Shawn talking, Pops!

- Okay. Hi. - Alright. It's okay.

Payback.

- Goodnight, Shawn. - Go to hell.

[snoring]

[gasping]

What are you trying to do? Give me brain damage?

Too late.

I've been doing that since you was five years old.

Well, it ain't funny. You think you're funny? You ain't--

(Pops) 'Hey, I want it quiet in there!'

'Don't make me get up!'

If you can get up, greasy old man.

"Don't make me get up! Don't make me get up!"

[indistinct chatter]

Yeah, he's real tough for a guy that got kicked in the head

by a lady wearing bunny slippers.

Look at me, look at me, Shawn.

I'm Pops.

"Woman, there's a new sheriff in town

and he's a bad mamma jamma."

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Bang!

And I'm mom. Here's a concussion.

Ugh!

- You're gonna die! - You're gonna die!

(Pop) 'Don't make me get my belt!'

'Hey, hey.'

Sorry, Pops.

Goodnight, papa.

Goodnight, father.

You are a suck up.

You suck up. "Papa."

Goodnight, Marl.

Goodnight, Shawn.

Shawn?

Are you asleep?

You're gonna die!

You're gonna die!

(Pops) 'Alright, that's it!'

Alright, then.

- You're gonna die! - You're gonna die!

Come here!

Don't do this, Daddy!

You're gonna die!

It's 6:15. Where's your brother?

It's the third night in a row he's been late for supper.

I got home early today, pop.

Good boy, Marlon.

Where have you been? Lollygagging?

You're half an hour late. Now just wash up for supper.

I told you, pop. I'm not eating dinner.

- I'm going out with Lisa. - This is family night.

You ain't going nowhere.

You better call your little friend

and tell her you can't make it.

Yeah, Shawn, you know every Wednesday night

is always family night.

What do you mean "Always family night?"

He's only been here three days.

Just seems like a freaking year.

Alright. Come on. Let's eat, everybody.

Marlon, you wash your hands?

- Yes, pop. - Let me see.

Turn them over.

- Good job, Marlon. - Thanks, pop.

Alright, let's just hurry up and eat please.

Hey, hey, hey, this is a Christian house, boy.

Christians eat too. Look how big Al Sharpton is.

Bow your heads.

Father, we thank you for blessing us with this bounty.

Thank you for the peas, father.

Thank you for the chicken.

Thank you for the Stove Top stuffing.

And, father, thank you for giving us healthy teeth

to eat all this good food.

Amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

[telephone ringing]

Who's that calling during dinner?

Better not be one of your friends.

- I don't have any friends, pop. - Good boy, Marlon.

Hello? Just hold on.

It's your mama. I'm gonna take it in the other room.

Thank God. Now maybe he'll go home.

Come on, Shawn, it ain't been that bad.

Oh, no? He treats us like we're five years old.

He makes us make our own bed, he times our phone calls.

And last night, I didn't get any dessert

because I didn't finish my broccoli.

Why don't you just do what I do?

Put the broccoli in your pocket. Wouldn't know a thing.

You just don't get it, do you?

We shouldn't have to go through this, man.

We're grown men.

You believe last night he gave me a curfew?

Well, you were out till 11:00.

- I think 10:30 is very fair. - Oh, okay.

We'll see how fair you think it is tomorrow night at our party

when you're sitting on the couch with Kim

and pop is sitting in between you watching "Matlock."

Yeah, you right, we gotta get that old man out of here

before the party tomorrow night.

I told you your mother would call the Mack.

Player! So you going home, eh?

Hell, no.

Your mama want me back, but not on my terms.

So I'm gonna stay here a little longer

and let her stew in her juices.

Well, what exactly are your terms, pop?

Yeah, and what exactly are her juices?

My terms are simple.

First, she's gotta say the words

"You are the king."

After that, I really don't care what she does.

- When are you leaving? - I don't know.

I don't care. I may never leave.

- Never? -Never.

So let the party begin.

Oh, man!

Man, this is messed up.

This is supposed to be our party, man.

Pop promised me he was gonna stay in his room.

Uh, don't worry about him. Nobody's gonna notice him.

♪ Burn baby burn ♪

♪ Disco inferno ♪

♪ Burn baby burn ♪

♪ Burn this mother down ♪♪

I can't believe Kim and Lisa are dancing with him.

I can't believe he invited Benny.

Would you look at Pops? He's ruining our party, Shawn.

Maybe if he keeps dancing he'll have a stroke

and we could put him out on the fire escape.

That's a good idea.

- Go, Pops! - Go, Pops!

(both) Happy birthday! Have a stroke now! Go, Pops!

Hey, boys, great funky party.

I forgot how it was to just whoop it up and party!

Hey, hey, hey.

Pops, come on, people are looking at you.

It's been this way ever since I was five, son.

I stand out in the crowd. People get jealous of me.

(Marlon) 'Shawn, look.'

Baby-haired Kim is all alone.

I'm gonna step to her. How do I look?

Like a genetic experiment gone wrong.

Yeah, how's the hair though?

- Like a perm went bad. - Alright.

Look, watch the stroll, boy.

- Lean back. Lean back. - Gangster land.

(Shawn) 'Uh-huh. There you go. Bring it.'

Hey, Kim-Kim, how you doing?

- You look good, Kim. - Thank you.

Did you hear? I broke up with my boyfriend.

- No! - Mm-hmm.

You little.. Come here, baby!

You must feel so lonely and depressed

and...soft.

Marlon, I never knew you were so sensitive.

You know, why did I set my standards so high?

Well, welcome to my world.

Hey, sexy, how come you've been ignoring me all night?

I was dancing with your father.

I want you to dance with me.

[music stops]

Now, who turned the music down?

[people shushing]

That's the picture of Marlon on a pony. Oh!

[people laughing]

Look at that face! So cute.

That's before he stepped off the saddle

and the horse dragged him by his foot

through three miles of cow poop.

[all laughing]

That's funny! That isfunny!

And here's a picture of him afterwards. Look at it.

'Boy, he stank!'

I'm talking about funky!

And I made him sleep outside for a week.

[laughing]

That is funny!

Hey, Kim, I don't smell like that no more.

It's okay. I think it's cute.

You do? I stepped in some horse manure earlier.

Oh, look at this.

This is the picture of Shawn

when his mother and I lost him at Macy's.

'Look at him! Look at him!'

'He's so scared, he-he peed in his pants.'

[all laughing]

That ain't funny.

Now, here is a picture of both of them dancing.

They used to do this little dancing

called the underpants dance.

'They would put old drawers on their head..'

'...and then dance around like little Indians like..'

[ululating]

Oh, wait, wait. I wanna see this.

When he has the stroke, just promise me

I get to pull the plug.

You got it.

You know what I wish I had a picture of?

These two used to do a little musical act

called the Williams Two.

Pops, come on, chill.

See, the Jacksons was making all that money.

I said to myself "Wait a minute.

Maybe I can make me some of this paper."

You know, and the Jacksons didn't have

half the talent my boys had.

Of course, they had more boys.

Shawn, you never told me this.

Do y'all wanna get a little sample?

(all) Yeah!

- Come on, pop! - C'mon, boys, give 'em a taste!

No! We're not doing it, pop.

Shawn, please, for me?

Absolutely, positively not.

Marlon, I would love to see you do that.

You would?

♪ Rockin' in the tree top ♪

♪ All day long ♪

♪ Rockin' and a bobbin' and a singin' that song ♪

♪ All the little birdies on jaybird street ♪

♪ Love to hear the robins go tweet tweet tweet ♪

♪ Rockin' robin tweet tweet tweet.. ♪

Come on, sell it, boys! Sell it!

♪ 'Cause we're really gonna rock tonight ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

[applause]

Thank you!

See that? See that?

I could be livin' like a king in Encino

just like Joe Jackson.

Aw, girl, I sure wish you could stay.

Don't worry, Shawn. We'll be together again.

Your father can't live forever.

You're so funny. You're like a regular Eddie Murphy.

[imitating Eddie Murphy's laugh]

- I'll see you later on? - Goodnight.

Alright, sweetie.

- Get home safe. - Yeah.

Hoo! Man, this was the longest night of my life.

I can't believe you let me do "Rockin' Robin"

in front of Kim.

I can't believe I live with you or Pops.

Hey, don't blame me. Blame him. It's his fault.

No, it's my fault.

I'm gonna go take care of this right now.

Yeah!

- Yo, Pops! - Pop!

- Yo, Pops! - Pop!

Look, Pops, you know I love you, man

but you can't stay here anymore.

I can't live like this, gee.

This is my apartment. This is my life.

And I want it back.

Yeah, me too!

So I suggest if you have any problems with mom

you go over there and work it out like a man

instead of staying over here bossing little me

and Marlon around

like we're some five-year-olds.

Yeah, 'cause we're a lot older than that!

Go on.

Well, what do you have to say about that?

- Good speech, son. - Ah!

Hey-hey. Hey, Pop. That was all Shawn's opinion.

'I had nothing to do with that.'

I love you and I want you to stay forever.

Marlon! Marlon, Marlon, stop being such a suck up.

You ought to be a man like your brother.

Yeah.

- You made a lot of sense, son. - I did?

You know, I told him everything to say, pop.

Shut up. You know, you're right.

You're a man, and it's high time I recognize it.

- Thanks, pop. - That's right.

We're all grown up men.

Me too?

Mm-hmm.

Now, if you two will excuse me

I'm gonna take some of this fine advice that you've given me

I'm gonna go home

and I'm gonna grovel at your mother's big flappin' feet.

- Good idea. - Ooh!

- Great party, Marlon. - Kim!

[speaking in foreign language]

Thanks for the book, Marlon.

[instrumental music]

♪ Love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet ♪

♪ Rockin' robin tweet tweet tweet.. ♪

No, no, no. That ain't the way it go.

That ain't the way it go. Look here, come on.

It ain't tweet, tweet, tweet, kick.

It's kick, tweet, tweet, tweet.

Come on. Kick, tweet, tweet, tweet.

Kick, tweet, tweet..

Oh, y'all ain't got it right! What's wrong with y'all?

[screaming]

Get on out of here!

Tito! Get your butt down here!

Michael!

Leave that monkey alone and get on over here!

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.