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Tense music

The first few days after our last conversation,

I was very, very angry and I didn't really want to talk to him at all.

So for a couple of days, I just distanced myself from him as

much as possible, whether physically, verbally...

- Like halfway... - Can I ask... Michael, hold on.

How do you feel when you're kept out like that?

When you're stonewalled?

Uh... A mixture of frustrated, scared...

And the fear is the fear of anger?

No, fear of divorce.

Theme music

Honestly, I was again sort of in a place where I'd

been a few times over the course of our marriage where I thought,

"All right, I guess there's nothing more I can do.

Like, it's out of my hands."

So I tried to, uh, bully her into doing the homework.

Michal, did you really take two hours a day and...?

So a slight variation.

I took more than two hours a day.

Michael thinks I took a little bit too much time to relax.

- Excellent. - He cleaned up.

And I... he's been watching the kids and I've just kind of been relaxing.

Wonderful.

Her homework was to take two hours a day of doing absolutely nothing.

Two hours a day every day or some days?

Every day.

Oh my goodness.

He just immediately filled in the spaces and did a lot,

took it upon himself to, like, clean the house,

take care of the kids, and did work.

And then they got into another one of those horrible fights.

Yeah.

But then, the next session, they came back and

Michael took it upon himself to try to draw the cycle between them.

Here's what he created.

I thought it was really interesting.

There's no way she's gonna be able to read that.

- Can you see this? - Yes, I can.

Hold it steady.

1. Driven.

2. Lull period.

Which we should talk about because I think there's a lot there.

Upbeat music For him, it starts with her being driven and needing

something to happen.

Yeah.

And then, he goes into what he calls a "lull period"

when he loses motivation and he just kind of rests.

And then she gets increasingly anxious and out of her mind and

he slides back into what they call "laziness."

Mm-hm.

And then there's, like, a breakdown between them and silent resentment.

Yeah.

And then there's an explosion, some kind of horrible fight.

Sometimes, it's, like, really talk about divorce.

I feel like your existence is worthless right now.

It's absolutely worthless.

And then they make their comeback.

They start talking and unpacking it.

Yeah, yeah.

In this diagram, he was looking at all these ways that

they could cut this cycle.

So how do we prevent falling into this zone is my question?

Because we sat down and we were workshopping together what we

should do, you were so anti-me.

You were fighting me so hard and not doing the things that we

discussed because you just wanted to revert back to,

"Oh no, I want to do the lazy."

You should be able to get past whatever it is that's holding

you back and actually be successful in life

and not fall back to this, again, excuses, excuses, excuses.

But you know, um, Michal, I understand what you're saying.

You can imagine that, first of all, as a psychoanalyst,

I have a slightly different take on things.

I think that when you really understand deeply what happened

to you and what dynamics shaped you,

it's the actual only way that you can have any sense of choice

on the matter.

When someone enters a state of lull, there's a disconnect.

What is this disconnect?

Because this "lull," it's... it didn't start now.

Upbeat funky music

We've been trying to get healthy together.

We started working out this week and eating better.

We actually started sleeping in the same room about a week and a

- half... - Wow.

Two weeks ago.

What made you decide to allow Dru into your space?

I think the both of us kind of have to show up for the other

person if we're gonna make this work.

Yeah.

She was the one who actually brought up,

um, "Let's go have sexual intercourse.

- Let's go have sex." - Mm-hm.

And she's never done that unless we've had, like, drinks

in us and stuff like that, but... And how did you each feel?

Well, I felt great. But I'll be honest

But in the back of my head I'm thinking, "This is too good to be true.

This is not gonna last forever."

When it comes to the physical contact,

the sexual intercourse, the affection,

all those things, she can get it whenever she wants.

And I can't.

She controls it all.

Ambient music Tashira had to come clean with herself about whether

she's in it or not.

Whether she wants to make it work or not.

Which was interesting because then we started to see some of

Dru's anxiety about intimacy.

Yeah.

So much of the turmoil around sex has to do with the

- initiation of it. - Yeah.

Who's initiating?

What does it have to do with vulnerability?

With asking?

Is it me?

Am I not attractive enough or...?

I don't wanna be like, "Can we do it?"

You know, like, ask him like it's a favor, you know?

Like, I'm 26 now.

Sex should be... I shouldn't need to ask for it.

During this quarantine time, it's like your nose is

rubbed against this all day long.

Covid and kids equals daydrinking.

We have been quarantined for eight weeks and

we're officially both unemployed now.

It honestly stresses me out and I don't even know how to handle that.

How's that for you, Gianni?

I don't know when I'm gonna see my family and I don't know when

I'm gonna be performing again.

I don't know when I'm gonna be working again.

At least he qualifies for the benefits from the state.

I don't qualify for anything.

I literally have zero dollars coming to my account until

- who-knows-when. - Yeah.

After we spoke the last time, he hasn't been keeping alcohol

- in the house that much. - Great.

But now we're having some issues with each other and

being on each others' case and just kind of picking at one

another and, you know, we got in an argument.

Because now we are so much together, you know?

Like, all day, every day.

Every little thing seems like the end of the world.

Of course.

I mean, I ended up sleeping on the couch that night because I

was upset about it, and then the next day, we were like,

"What are we doing?"

I will say, through that one argument where he slept

out here by himself, it took me to dark places.

You know, I've been in a relationship before where I have

created arguments so that I can use.

Aha.

And I don't feel like that was one of them...

- Yeah. - But I did have a moment of wanting to use.

When Gianni went away?

Right.

I immediately felt alone.

Yeah.

He is... He was the number one reason I got sober.

And it's extremely terrifying now to me that he's the only

reason that I'm sober.

Because I feel like it's still the only reason.

At this point, I need to really start working on having some

more solid foundation to my sobriety, more so than him.

Yeah.

To have your own investment in your own life.

Right.

How are you feeling hearing that, Gianni?

I didn't know because he never tells me those things, so...

I mean, he had told me one day, "Thank God you're here because

if you weren't here, I would be drinking to make this go through faster."

Mm-hm.

It's like how... we always want time off, right?

And now we have all this time off.

The time!

And it's like the worst thing in the world.

This is crazy.

Chill music

Since we're constantly in the same space,

temporality is kind of evaporated.

Like, everything is just one long day.

There's a certain level of porousness or lack of definition.

Like everything bleeds into everything.

I don't know what week is it, what year is it?

I know, what day of the week is it?

- What am I doing? - Yeah.

With these treatments, it feels very different.

The whole treatment feels very different.

Time feels different.

I can't believe it's been a month already.

There's something about working in person that I miss.

Being like bodies in the room, in a real room,

come on, there's just no alternative for being full-bodied in the room.

Yeah.

I mean, most of the time, I've longed for my office.

It was Mother's Day.

So I had gotten her a gift and I wanted to surprise her.

And I know she always wanted a boymom t-shirt.

So I actually bought the shirt, and she was like... I said,

"Do you like it?"

And she was like, "No."

She was like, "I don't like v-necks and it's not a good material."

- And that got me so upset. - Mm-hm.

So I was just like, "You know what?

Throw this shit out.

And that's it."

My issue with the shirt is just the way that it was gonna look on me.

The way that I'm feeling about my body right now.

It had nothing to do with... So why didn't you say that?

Oh my God, the baby again.

Yeah, the baby again.

I had said I didn't like the material because it's embarrassing.

Like, I didn't wanna be like, "I don't like the shirt because

it's gonna make me look fat."

Oh, so rather just hurt my feelings.

No, I wasn't... Well, Tashira, but there is... there is a way... I think

there's something about...

That you sometimes don't really go all the way to consider the

impact of what you say.

I agree with that.

That you are kind of reckless in the way you speak.

I know.

No, I totally agree with that.

And I realized that when he came back into the room and,

you know, he started off with, "This is really hard for me,

you know, but I'm gonna say it.

You know, that really hurt my feelings."

And he was, like, huffing and puffing through it.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm harsh because I try to push people away.

Like, I just, um... You know, I really don't have an excuse for it.

I don't have... You don't need an excuse for it,

but it's something you might wanna... take a good look at.

Yeah.

I know.

Yeah, hello!

- Say hi. - Good morning.

Sorry.

- Good morning! - It's okay, baby.

He's like, "I didn't wake up for therapy."

I know, right?

After, like, the heated part about it,

I said, "What I'm going to tell you is super not easy for me,

it is, like... it's making me cringe inside."

And it kind of took me a little while to actually spit

the words out because I don't know why it's so hard for me,

but I just told her, like...

And I kind of mumbled it because it was so hard for me to say.

I was like, "It hurt my feelings about what you said.

- Or about your response." - Yeah.

Great.

"It hurt my feelings.

- That's all." - Yeah.

- That was super hard to say. - Yes, it's hard to say.

Practice it.

It's the truth!

Everything else is nonsense.

No, I know, but it's j...

I guess at that very moment is when I realized how hard

it is to get in that vulnerability.

Yeah.

Exposing the truth.

Yeah, but... exposing myself.

Well, good, great.

Dru, great.

- Great. - Yeah, I don't wanna feel like...

like... I guess, like... like, the little bitch who's like,

"Oh, you hurt my feelings."

The little bitch?

You gotta stop.

He's very much like that.

He's just, like...

Like, that's why I tell him, like, I don't understand why he

thinks that I'm tough, but he's like...

- tough tough sometimes. - Mm-hm, right.

Like, he just... it's hard for him to express that.

And then after he said that, the conversation totally mellowed

- out. - Of course, mm-hm.

We were able to... I apologized to him and I put the shirt on

and I took a picture and I actually liked the shirt on me.

So... You see all this?

You see this shit?

Chill music After three months of lockdown,

offices, restaurants, and hair salons are reopening in

America's biggest city.

Pretty soon, we're gonna finally be meeting in person.

Right.

Yeah, that would be great.

So I will see you sometime soon in person.

Yes.

Can't wait.

- That's gonna be amazing. - Yes.

Ambient music

It's been, what?

March... Five months.

I've seen you every day.

Just kidding.

You okay?

Yeah.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - I'm giving you space.

Absolutely.

Shall I shut this?

Yes.

New protocols.

- Uh-huh. - Oh, yeah.

- Don't come too close. - Yes.

- So. - So.

How are you two?

In his world, there are a lot of limitations right now because he can't...

He can't travel back.

It's the first time since when I left home that I haven't

gone back for this long.

- I haven't been back in a year. - Oh.

So it's... killing me inside.

It really is doing a number on him.

He knows, yeah.

And it's the stress of missing your family?

I feel stuck, you know?

Because I'm in a position that yes,

I can go, but then he's like, "When are you gonna be back?"

And I can't say, "Okay, let's go together,"

because he can't go.

Because Americans are banned from Europe.

So it's like... What do I do?

I mean, I'm here because he's here.

You're here 'cause you're in a relationship.

Yeah, 'cause... - Now, I have my family here. -No pressure.

It's true!

I mean, he's the reason why.

Let's get to work.

No, I mean, do you hear this?

"He's the reason."

This is like his thing.

- I'm the reason for everything. - But you are.

Well, for right now.

I could've been gone a month ago because I can go back home.

- But you can't come back. - I know.

And that scares you and it scares me.

But you're willing to do it, so... I know I'm gonna be back at some point.

Do you hear this?

But in this, who's feeling what?

What are you feeling?

Is it I'm holding him back?

I'm keeping him from doing something he wants to do?

I see.

That, you know, I'm the reason that he is in this state of mind

that is awful for him.

But let me just understand.

Matthew, you're saying that when Gianni's saying you're the

reason, your experience is that it makes you into the bad guy?

Yeah.

That you're doing it to him.

Because he says I am.

I wanna get from your end how much of that do you feel.

Do you feel like Matthew's doing something to you?

- Sometimes. - When?

Because he says, "Okay, if you go, then we're done."

- I did not say that. - Oh, my God!

- You said it so many times! - Wait, wait, wait.

- Are you kidding me? - Hold on.

Hold on.

Say.

Like, what's... that's not... Matthew says, "If you're going,

- we're done." - "If you're going, we're done."

He's like, "What's the point of being together?"

And if I go, this is over, you know?

- Everything that we built... - It feels like an ultimatum?

- Yeah! - It's like a pressure?

That I have to stay, yeah, exactly.

- Uh-huh, it's a threat. - To make him happy.

Do you have any thoughts about this?

- I mean, I have a thought. - Mm-hm, oh yeah, absolutely.

Tell me.

I'm at the point where... just go.

But it's not an ultimatum and it's not...

But what's that gonna mean to you if I just go?

That I'm very concerned on when this return date is.

What you're projecting into the future is some very long separation.

Something will come between you.

I feel confident that that's what it will be.

Yeah.

I think about all of this all the time,

'cause what if he does something stupid or... Like?

I don't know, start drinking again, or start seeing someone else?

Right, so that's part of what's sitting in this.

Yeah, I mean, I blame him, and it's because of him.

I wanted to go many times last year but I couldn't because you

were in the hospital every two months.

And I was thinking, "If I go, what is gonna happen to him?"

If something happened to him, then I'm gonna blame myself."

Yeah.

I'm missing a lot.

And... I'm kinda over missing things.

Mm-hm.

You know, my grandad, he turned 80 years old last month.

And he was like, "You're not here again."

I was supposed to be there and...

Sometimes, I feel like he doesn't get it.

Say more, Gianni.

When I was a kid, I didn't care 'cause, you know,

I was living my life and traveling and dancing but now...

Right, but I think it's cumulative.

It sounds like this missing and feeling like you didn't get

enough of them is really longstanding.

Yeah.

I'm hearing two, let's say, different kind of,

um, emotional issues that we need to find a way to talk about.

I mean, one is the pain of missing and then there's the question of blame.

Which is a more complicated thing.

I think, Gianni, you still have some resentments from the time

that you were drinking, Matthew.

Just to put it all on the table.

Can you just lay out the different ways in which you're blaming Matthew?

Well, I always blame him that I left my dream job.

- What was your dream job? - I was with this dance company.

- Which one? - Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo.

I was with them.

I had to go to Japan for five weeks,

and he kept saying, "Oh my God, five weeks is a long time,

five weeks is a long time.

We're not gonna make it.

It's not gonna happen.

And if you go, we don't know."

So for fear... I left.

My entire hometown bought tickets, my entire family,

and it was the biggest disappointment to my mom because I wasn't there.

So yeah, I blame him, but at the same time, it was my decision.

So that's... It's not a regret.

Do I regret it?

Yes, you do, you've said many times you do.

Just stick to the blame.

What are we blaming me for?

What else?

But that's the big thing.

And then, the fact that...

But that's a thing and it also... You're saying it's in a way

symbolic because it comes back in other iterations.

In a way, it's like that now.

It's interesting because the two of you are focusing on the

fighting about the blame but what I hear is the two of you

really cherish the contact, the connection between the two of

you and you're anxious about it and you're protective of it.

Just keeping the thread that binds you.

Mm-hm.

Because I'm hearing you, Matthew, in a way, you're like, "Don't go!

Don't go!

Something bad could happen to us.

- To us!" - Right.

And you're saying, "I couldn't leave for more than two

weeks because something bad could happen to us."

And you're both saying, "This thread,

this us, there's a lot of threats to it and we've got to

- keep it." - Mm-hm.

That actually sounds nice.

Yeah.

I actually feel better now.

Well, good, I'm glad that that worked out for you.

We'll see how long it lasts.

And what about you?

What about me?

How do you feel?

You're saying "It worked out for you."

No, I mean, I think that that's a very nice way of looking

- at it. - Mm-hm.

Yeah.

I mean, I still think that there's some rooted concerns

that will continue to come up and that this blame thing,

I'm not... I don't take it lightly.

But Matthew, you might need to kind of struggle with something

there of what it means for Gianni to have gone through

this with you, right?

To bear that responsibility.

Mm-hm.

There might be something there that might be useful for you to

grasp and will help Gianni let go of it.

Tense ambient music

I feel like now we're in, like, the thick of the work.

No more beginning, getting to know people, figuring out what's going on.

It's deeper and more intense.

And that's where change happens.