Original subtitles

Hey! What's up, Bruce Lee?

Hey, what's up, Dee?

[music on Walkman]

I said, what's up, Dee?

Is she still mad at me 'cause I told those kids

she was Miss Butterworth?

She can't hear you, Marlon. She's wearin' a Walkman.

- 'Oh.' - Yo, check this out.

Watch this. Watch this.

[laughing] Hey, Dee. Hey, Dee.

You did a really good job shavin' this mornin'.

- Thank you. - Ha!

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah - Watch this. Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

Watch this. Watch this.

Hey, hey, Dee, uh..

How many pounds do you think you've gained since breakfast?

Eleven.

No, you.. Hey, hey, you do one. You do one.

- I can do? - Yeah.

It'll be hilarious.

- Yo, do a real crazy one. - Alright. Hold it. Hold it.

Do a real crazy one.

Yo, Dee.

Your breath smell like monkey pampers.

I heard that.

Alright! I was jokin', Dee. I was jokin'!

- Gosh.. - Peace out.

What was you listenin' to? 'Cause you was groovin', girl.

I was listenin' to my man. Luther Vandross.

- Okay. - Yeah.

He's gonna be at TJ Records today.

I'mma go down and have him sign my autograph book.

Well, Dee, I heard in the radio that he's gonna be

down there at 12.

If you want to go, you better get to steppin'.

Shucks, I've been lookin' forward to this all week.

Boy, Dee, I haven't seen you this excited

since you lost your ab-roller.

Oh, God. Shawn, could you cover for me?

I can't, Dee, I have a distributor's meeting

in 20 minutes.

- Ooh! - Hey, baby, I'm free.

No.

I don't think you have what it takes.

What? A GED?

- You got one, right? - Yeah.

Oh.. Okay.

I've already done the mornin' rounds.

I've written the report.

Okay, all you have to do is sit here.

- Now, can you handle that? - No problem.

Okay. Ooh! Ho-ho!

Damn, Dee. It's nice and warm too.

[Dee laughing]

Oh, I cannot wait to throw my panties at Luther.

You better be careful.

He might keep those.

You and him are about the same size.

Okay, I'm countin' on you.

- Hey, I got you, baby. - Okay. Okay.

Don't worry. I got you.

I don't know what she trippin' about, Shawn.

This job is a piece of cake.

Ain't nothin' gonna get by me.

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

- See, I uphold the law. - Oh, definitely. Definitely.

- I do my thing. - Protect and serve.

(Shawn) 'Oh, yeah, got you. Got you, man.'

Ain't nobody gonna punk you.

No. No. Never that, never that.

Hey, ain't no litterin' in this lobby!

Come here, punk!

No! Wait! No! No! No!

No! no! Let me go!

Let me go! Mister! Mister!

No! Wait! Mister!

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Gimme a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite.'

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Excuse me, ma'am.

Uh..

[coughs] Uh..

Two heads of lettuce are missin' from Pop's restaurant.

And...I have reason to believe

you're hidin' them in your brassiere.

Hey, man.

Excuse me, uh, what happened to the guard

that's usually here, Dee Baxter?

Real funny, fro. A'ight.

I think she went down to TJ's

to throw her panties at Luther Vandross.

- Anythin' I can help you with? - I don't understand.

What kind of security guard leaves their post unattended?

Same kind that comes to work late and leaves early.

No, but seriously, man. Dee is mad cool.

I mean, she's very helpful, especially if you wanna know

why the woman on the third floor has got an Adam's apple.

And, yo, Dee's always on top of things.

Especially if he's payin' for dinner.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I don't think that's funny at all.

It looks to me like she's doing a very poor job.

Hey, hey, ho-hold on.

Calm down, crustache.

What are you gettin' all worked up about?

- You act like you her-- - Supervisor Kellog?

Um, wh-what are you doin' here?

Officer Baxter, where have you been?

- Uh-- - And who is this imbecile?

Imbecile? Hey, look here, man.

I'll have you know I am Afro-American

and one-eighth Portuguese.

That's why I got these five weaves right back here.

Go on. Feel that, brother. Go on. Little bit of movement.

Um, uh..

- I have an explanation. - I doubt that.

From what they tell me

this irresponsible behavior isn't unusual.

Wait. You guys have been bad-mouthin' me?

Shawn was.

I can explain.

You'll have plenty of time

to do that before

the review board next week.

Until then... you're suspended without pay.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Dee. We just came to apologize, girl.

I mean, we had no idea we was talkin' to your boss

with that Inspector Gadget coat on.

Hey, I don't blame you guys.

This is my own fault.

I had no right leaving Marlon in charge.

Now I gotta pay the price.

That's me.

The first day I became a security guard.

I was so proud.

Wow. Look at this big ol' Afro.

Who did your hair, the Commodores?

That's where I used to keep my taser

until it went off and burned my scalp.

Yeah.

Uh, no use livin' in the past.

I just don't know how I'm gonna make ends meet

until that hearin' comes up.

I got so many bills to pay.

Well, why don't you work for pops?

He pays minimum wage.

Hu-huh?

Uh, good idea, son.

I never thought about hirin' a maid before.

Lord knows your mama never lifts a finger.

We got mushrooms growin' on our bath mat.

Pop, I meant as a waitress, man.

You said you was lookin' for some help.

Yeah, pop, and who knows the menu better than Dee?

Dee doesn't know anything about my prices.

Her big ass freeloads all the time.

Pops, I would really appreciate it.

You know, just somethin' to tide me over.

Okay, Dee, you start tomorrow.

- Alright. - Oh!

Thank you!

Hey, Dee, now as you work here

Pop gonna give you free food.

As long as it's not beef, chicken

or anything made with flour.

[instrumental music]

We really got Dee fired.

Yeah, I know. I miss her.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, but maybe they'll replace her with

a new sexy security guard, huh?

Well, he ain't my type. He's all yours.

Whoa, buddy.

Good morning.

A citation?

What's this for, Barney Fife?

Your pornographic periodicals

are supposed to be in the back row covered with brown paper.

On top of that, your stand is extended two inches

into the main throughway.

That's a fire hazard. You've been warned.

Oh, well, in that case, maybe I should warn you too.

- About what? - About my foot up your behind.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on! come on, man!

He's just joshin'. He's just joshin'.

Hey, Bill, how are you? Nice to meet you.

What's up, baby? You alright?

[indistinct]

Cool, bro. Word up. I said, nice to meet you.

Word. How are you doin'?

You cool? Good to see you, man.

See, uh, we like, we like to loosen things up here.

We like playin' around.

Well, I don't.

What? A $200 for sexual harassment?

You had your hand on my bottom, mister.

It's ridiculous, B.

We need to get Dee back.

Yeah. He ain't even got no bottom.

[instrumental music]

(Pops) Will you get over there and-and take care of that customer?

She's been waiting for ten minutes.

Oh.

And smile. Look.

Howdy-do. May I hel.. May I help you?

May I take your order?

Well, what do you suggest?

Uh, the sausage and cheese omelet.

It's the best thing on the menu.

Ugh! That sounds fatty.

What do you care?

Everybody knows after a big meal

you run to the ladies' room

and stick your finger down your throat.

I am not gonna sit here and be insulted.

Hey, hey, come back here!

You better stick your finger down your throat and throw up

some quarters to pay for them crackers

you just got through eatin'!

Hey, what's goin' on, pop?

Oh, son, Dee's the worst waitress I've ever seen.

- 'Oh.' - Slow, rude.

And don't stiff her on her tip, she'll cut you.

Maybe she don't know she's bad. Have you tried talkin' to her?

No, son, it's beyond that. I'm gonna have to fire her.

Oh, pop, I don't know if that's such a good idea.

Remember she knows where you live

and she did have a gun.

Hey, uh, pops

I don't think you guys should be criticizin' Dee like this.

Why, because her self-esteem is low?

I don't give a damn.

No, big bow tie..

...because she's right behind you.

My own friends callin' me hopeless.

Well, I don't want to stay any place where I'm not wanted!

I quit!

Come on, pop. Say something, man.

That one egg omelet is comin' out of your paycheck.

[instrumental music]

Now, Look, Marlon, it was our fault that Dee got fired.

So, the least we could do is cheer her up

and take her mind off her financial troubles.

- Alright? - Okay.

So I guess I shouldn't tell her about

the eviction notice on her door, huh?

No, stupid. Is that part of cheerin' up? No.

- Okay. - Okay. Alright.

Now remember, Marlon, only say positive things.

[knocking on door]

(Dee) 'It's open!'

Damn!

It smells like a porta potty in here!

I am so sorry.

I-I know my house is a mess

but I can't help it.

You know, I've lost everything.

Everything but your appetite.

Here you go, Dee, a little somethin' to cheer you up, girl.

Oh, thank you.

And remember, you are not a failure.

Yeah, even though you did lose two jobs in two days.

You know, I-I used to have a purpose.

A reason to get up every morning.

And-and that's what you still should do.

You should get up, get out.

Go take a walk, girl. Get some fresh air.

Yeah, because you'll have plenty of fresh air

when they evict you next week.

Uh, eh-eh-eh, Dee, hey, look at the bright side.

At least you get to stay home an-and-and

catch up on all your soap operas.

- Yeah. - They took my TV away.

Well, I mean, I mean, it's not over yet, girl.

I mean, uh, maybe the review board will see that

it was just a mistake

and they'll give you your job back.

Oh, they're not gonna give me my job back.

I've been written up once before.

Once they see my file, I'm history.

Well, what did you do?

Well, it was this junior executive.

He was a, a-a corporate spy

and he was stealin' computer disk

and I arrested him, and I got accommodation.

I don't get it. What's so bad about that?

Yeah.

Well, the surveillance tape

showed that before I turned him in

we were making love on the conference room table.

That didn't go over very well.

You still got that tape?

Well, well, maybe, Dee, what you need to do

is-is-is just change your career.

Yeah, that's what you need to do, change your career, girl.

Look, have you looked in the employment ads?

Yeah, Dee, there's gotta be somethin' in there for you.

Alright! Let's see, let's see what's in here, um..

- Did you go to college? - No.

- Uh, can you type? - No.

- Do you know word processing? - No.

- Can you mix drinks? - No.

- Can you lift heavy objects? - No.

Biatch! Can you drywall? What's up?

I'm a security guard.

Alright. That's all I ever wanted to be. It's in my blood.

Look, Dee, you got to do somethin' to hold you over

until you get your stuff together.

You know what I am sayin'?

No, well, I got a little part-time job.

It's not much, but it pays the rent.

[phone ringing]

- Excuse me, fellas. - Alright, girl.

Hello? Whole Lotta Love hotline.

'What am I wearin'?'

'Oh, my house shoes, my mama's muumuu'

and an ACE bandage.

I pulled a hamstring.

Some freak wanted me to put my leg

behind my neck last night.

Hello?

Hello?

Damn.

I know. She sucks at that too.

No.

I think I called her last night.

I was the one who told her to put her neck behind her foot.

Her foot behind her neck.

No, I wanted her neck behind her foot.

You're disgusting, man. Move.

Anybody can do foot behind her neck thing.

It's different.

[instrumental music]

We gotta replace these files. Hey!

- What are you doin'? - Punchin' in.

I'm tryin' to get paid, brother.

Oh, let me punch in too.

[groans]

[indistinct]

- Alright, look. - What?

I gotta replace these files with Dee's old files.

Go ahead. Go, go, go.

Oh, snap. Shawn, this is cool.

This is like the space shuttle.

I'm a black astronaut.

Yes. This is Leroy, the black afro-naut.

Connect call to Earth.

Yes, Earth. R-U-F-F.

Yes, NASA, seems like we're gonna be a little late.

Seems like the space patrol pulled us over

and put a boot on the shuttle.

And besides, we only got two dollars of gas.

We probably have to stop over and pull over and hitch-hike.

Oh, but it's alright, we'll just stay here

'cause these Martians sure know how to party.

Besides, the girls up here are green with three asses.

Will you come on? Now put the damn phone down!

- Alright, I found it. - Alright.

Mission accomplished. Let's bounce.

- Hey, uh, come on. - Oh, my God.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Someone's comin'. Someone's comin'.

- Let's go. Hide. Hide. - No.

Not there. Not there. Get down.

Come on. What about this door?

No. Alright, alright.

Forget it. Forget it. Forget it. Come on. Okay.

'Alright. Watch out.'

He's going away. Ha ha ha!

- Marlon.. - He's stupid.

Marlon, we're stupid.

- He locked us out, man. - He what?

- We're locked out. - He.. What?

- He locked us out? - Yeah. We're stuck out here.

Oh, no.

- What are we gonna do? - Alright, alright. Alright.

- Help! - Wait. Wait.

Help us! Help us!

Shh! Stop it! Okay?

Now, look.

- Now, just be cool, okay? - Okay.

You just chill right here, alright?

Now whatever you do, don't look down

because you'll get dizzy and fall.

- Okay. - Alright?

- Alright. - Okay.

- Oh, God. - Marlon, get up. Get up.

No. No, don't you do this.

Don't you do this.

- Okay. Alright. - Don't you do this. Alright.

Get up. Get up. Get up.

There you go. Get up.

- You alright? - Yeah.

- You cool? - Yeah.

Alright.

Oh, Shawn, you're so sweet.

You don't want me to fall and die

'cause I'm your little brother and you love me?

Hell, no, Negro.

You're gonna stick around and pay your half of the rent

this month.

Now, look, Marlon, all we gotta do is just stay right here

and chill and just wait for some help, okay?

- Okay. - Stay right there.

- Alright. - Alright.

We gotta wait for help?

- Marlon.. - What?

What else we're gonna do, huh?

We're 15 stories up.

Let's go up one more flight.

Why?

Sixteen's my lucky number.

Boy, you say somethin' that stupid again

and I'll push you off this buildin'.

Now, look, just chill, man, alright?

- Alright. - Stop actin' like a lil' girl.

Alright.

Besides what's the worst that can happen?

[wind gushing]

[instrumental music]

It's freezing.

Look. Look, Marlon.

We're saved.

There's a bunch of people out there.

- They're lookin' up at us. - What are they sayin'?

I don't know, but they're pointin' at us.

[indistinct shouting]

Can't make out what they are sayin' though.

(in unison) 'Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!'

(Pops) 'Shawn, Marlon!'

Pop.

I don't know what pushed you boys over the edge

but please don't jump.

You mean everything to me.

Pop, it's not like that, man.

And will you stop talkin' through that thing.

You're only two feet away.

Oh, sorry, son, I always wanted to use one of these

ever since I saw "Die Hard."

- Come on, give me your hand. - Okay.

- Come on, Marlon. - Take it easy, son.

Uh! Go ahead, Shawn, go without me.

Alright, peace.

Okay, Marlon, you're next. Come on.

I can't, pop.

I'm too scared.

Besides, the ledge is too slippery. I don't wanna fall.

Okay, son. Just stay there. We'll think of something.

Okay, pop.

Hurry up, it's cold, okay.

How's he doing?

He says he can't move.

Hey, Jehovah Witness suit.

Where's the-the fire department?

I called them, but they're having trouble

getting through the traffic.

Well, you've got to do something.

He's terrified.

Hey, pop. I got an idea.

Let me borrow that thing for a second.

(Shawn) 'Hey, Marlon.'

Hey, yo, check this out, me and pop

we're gonna get you out of here.

- So just relax, alright? - Okay.

And whatever you do, just try not to think about

once your body hits the ground, it's gonna explode

throwin' blood, bone, flesh

and little dry curls everywhere, okay?

- Okay. - 'Alright.'

(Shawn) 'That's the only way we'll make it work.'

- Okay. - 'Alright, Marlon.'

What's goin' on?

Officer Morris, you gotta get out there

and save my little brother.

Oh! Um, that's not my jurisdiction.

Don't make me go out there. I'm afraid of heights.

It's all over the news.

I got here as fast as I could.

Excuse me, you're not authorized to be in this office.

Get out of the way, white boy.

Listen, it is cold out there.

If Marlon goes numb, he's gonna fall for sure.

You better get out of my way.

You know that by going against my orders

you risk permanent termination.

I don't care. That's my friend.

- Tell him, Dee. - Marlon!

Yeah, Dee, I'm over here.

Okay. I'm coming, baby.

Okay. Okay. Alright.

It's gonna be alright.

- Come on, Marlon. - Okay.

Okay. Come on, just look at me.

I can't, Dee. It's too cold.

You have to move your feet, Marlon.

I can't, I can't feel them, Dee.

No. You can. You can.

Okay, or else you're gonna fall asleep.

Dee, they're snorin'. They're snorin', sister.

Just take baby steps.

Come on, give me your hand.

Give me your hand.

'Come on.'

- Okay. - Okay.

- Relax. Okay. - Alright.

Come on. Good.

You doin' a good job, son.

[screaming]

Help! Help!

Don't let me die.

Dee, don't let me die.

Okay, as a last request

'please, Dee, I only wanna see'

just-just take your shirt off

and let me see 'em.

Just let me see 'em.

'Uh! Uh. Okay, we got you.'

Dee..

- Yeah. - Okay.

Okay.

ER, not.

Thank you, Dee.

Oho, I just did what I had to do.

Well, there is no point to the hearing, I'm finished.

Actually, that was very impressive, Officer Baxter.

- Officer? - That's right.

I think with that demonstration of heroism

you've shown you have what it takes to be

the best kind of security guard.

Stupidity?

No. Your guts.

Your methods may be unorthodox

but I'd be honored if you'd rejoin our ranks.

[gasps] Thank you, sir.

Well, congratulations.

Chocolate egg cream for everybody. Come on.

- Free? - Yeah.

- Free. - Oh, great.

Hold on a second, y'all. I-I forgot my keys.

Oh!

Where did they go?

Help me!

Help!

Help me!

(in unison) 'Jump! Jump! Jump!'

[instrumental music]

What's up, baby. You alright? Nice to meet you.

[indistinct]

Word up. Cool.

Hey. Could you stop that?

Nice to meet you, baby. Word.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say "Cheese."