Original subtitles

[ Growling ]

[ Screams ]

Where are those guys?

They should have been here by now!

[ Screaming ]

[ Growls ]

Just spit-balling here, but what if you didn't take my thr--

[ Chuckles ]

[ Incoherent singing ]

Huh?

Now!

Don't shoot French. Don't shoot French.

Don't shoot French. [ Gunshot ]

You're under arrest, spine monster.

You're doing hard time for this.

Nice work, everybody. Churros on French.

Yeah, churros on me.

Unh-unh! Unh-unh!

Oh, no, I left my wallet at home!

[ Yelling ]

Can I pay you later?

I'm good for the money, I swear to God.

Lick my dong.

He wants me to lick his dong?

Lick my dong.

I don't have the money, I guess I don't really have a choice.

Lick my dong.

♪♪

[ Both screaming ]

♪♪

Apparently, it's mummy season.

Mummies all over the damn place.

Speaking of mummies, today is the three-month anniversary

of your dead mommy.

Weird, huh?

Yeah, weird.

You know, Mom loved apples.

It's sad to think she'll never see me graduate college

and make a difference.

[ Gasps ] That apple was not for you.

You ruined my apple! Don't eat my apple!

Geez, sorry.

Can we just talk like real people for a moment?

So, uh, I gotta go get those mummies.

My apple.

Well, Chubbie Webbers,

you're always here when I need you.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Chubbie, I need you to help fight mummies.

[ Whistles ] Here, boy.

[ Door closes ] [ Sighs ] J.A.S.O.N., call Matt.

J.A.S.O.N.: Calling guy you think is your boyfriend.

Hey!

Oh, Jen. I was just about to call you.

Can I come over?

I kind of need someone to talk to.

Swing on by, I'm free.

Uh, excuse me?

You got a minute for love?

Hey, almost at your place.

Oh, sorry, forgot, I just landed in Barcelona.

But you just said --

Yeah, I-I got a free trip to Barcelona.

Who am I to pass up a free trip to Barcelona?

Maybe we can just talk on the phone, then?

My mom passed away recently, and --

Sorry, I can't hear you

over all the bullfighting and flamenco dancing.

[ Phone beeps ] [ Gasps ] Fuck.

[ Grunts ] [ Gasps ]

Hey, get off!

[ Bones crunching ]

I'm Donovan Kim. Are you okay?

You just killed that guy.

I had no choice. He had this.

Yeah, I saw that.

Thanks. My name's Jen.

I'm Donovan Kim.

"Got a minute for love"? Yes, I do.

♪♪

My first mummy case!

Lucky I'm here, French, to show you the ropes.

I did my homework, Branski. [ Beeping ]

My mummy detector is saying we should drive northwest.

Mummy detector? Psh.

Dogs are God's mummy detectors,

ain't that right, Chubbie? Uh, no.

Ha! My detector found one first.

In your face, God!

[ Tires squeal ]

Ugh!

That's not a mummy, that's a burn victim.

Ow! You punched me right in my burn!

Wa-a-a-ah! Help me learn about mummies.

[ Mummies groaning ] Mummies!

[ Mumbling ]

Mummy 101 -- track down the king mummy.

Let's see where they lead us. [ Guns cocks ]

"Got a minute for love" is a charity based out of Africa.

We listen to starving people's problems.

And then you feed them?

Sometimes just having someone listen is all they really need.

That's all I need.

The only family I have left is my uncle,

but he's like a brick wall.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have anybody I can really talk to.

Well, you have me.

Donovan Kim.

[ Mummies groaning ]

Strange.

Why are mummies hanging out at the docks?

It's actually not strange at all.

Mummies love water. They're excellent swimmers.

Tell me more about mummies.

Let me see, they can disguise themselves

as regular people, also.

They get drunk when they drink orange juice.

Wacky! [ Whining ]

[ Mummies groaning ]

[ Gunshots ]

Another interesting mummy fact? Their mummy wrap is bulletproof.

[ Groans ]

Between school, Hot Streets, this guy I'm kind of seeing,

it's a lot to juggle.

I'm in a reggae band, so I can relate.

I'll never be like my mom.

She was a single mother and a Congresswoman.

She did it all.

Jen, you are it all.

Thanks for walking me home.

It's funny, I feel like I've known you my whole life.

Uh, before anything happens,

I want you to know I'm looking for a serious commitment.

I hope that doesn't scare you.

It takes a lot to scare me these days.

Aah!

[ Groans ]

[ Water splashing ]

It looks like they're swimming...

straight to Egypt!

Damn, you let 'em get away.

Mummy 102 -- never let a mummy escape.

It's my fault.

♪♪

Look, it's the tunnel of love!

If we fly through it, we'll be together forever.

Chubbie: [ Moaning ]

What are you doing?

Ugh! What is this?

[ Panting ] Okay, calm down.

I can go to the doctor.

Wait! [ Clang! ]

Huh?

I didn't feel anything. [ Gasps ]

That's because it's indestructible.

Donovan?! What are you doing here?

I know it looks like you're growing a belly penis,

but it's even better than that.

My kiss gifted you the silver cord,

an umbilical cord to the heavens.

You see, I'm not just a beautiful Korean man.

I'm also a beautiful Egyptian mummy.

Fucking hell.

My father is Anubis, the king of all mummies.

He sent me to America to find someone

who could be my mummy princess.

[ Moaning ]

There's a boat for Cairo leaving in one hour.

Come with me. No way.

[ Moaning ]

[ Slurping ]

♪♪

[ Gags ]

You're a mummy now.

You belong inside the pyramids with your own kind.

Please, be my princess.

[ Knock on door ] Branski: Hey, Jen,

I want to talk to you about apples.

Just a minute!

Are you pregnant?

Yes.

Tight.

Anyway, about apples. Uncle Mark,

what would you do if I told you I was a mummy?

Jen, if you told me you were a mummy,

I would do everything within my power to murder you.

[ Mummy detector beeping ]

[ Beeping intensifies ]

Mummy?

Mummy.

There's a lot going on in my life.

I need to talk to somebody about this stuff.

There's stuff I want to talk about, too, like apples.

What is it with apples?!

Why can't I ever have a real conversation with you?!

We can talk about apples later.

Man: All aboard! Last ship to Cairo!

Well, Chubbie, looks like we're moving to Egypt.

Freeze! You're under arrest for being a mummy.

You're gonna do hard time for this.

Please, let me go.

In Egypt, there's a place for me.

Mummy 102 -- never let a mummy escape.

[ Footsteps depart ]

[ Singsong voice ] Jen, I know you're here!

And a mummy!

[ Gunshots ]

Ugh! Ooh!

Don't make me hurt you, French.

Life in jail won't be so bad.

I'll sneak in orange juice for you.

[ Snaps fingers ]

[ Whoosh! ]

[ Gun clicks ]

♪♪

[ Gunshots ]

[ Foghorn blows ]

I wish I was a mummy.

We are gathered here today in Egypt

for the joining of my son, Donovan Kim, and Jen Sanders.

They shall lead as prince and princess of Cairo.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Their cords shall be connected irreversibly,

and they will forever taste each other's food,

as well as each other's poop.

If anyone objects, please sound the gong of opposition.

[ Gong sounds, all gasp ]

I object, big time.

Uncle Mark? Not the gong of opposition.

Jen, I realize I'm the real reason you left.

I pushed you away by not being there when you needed me the most.

Do something!

Stop!

[ Choking ]

[ Grunting ]

Way to save me, Jen...

My son.

...and lead me to the king mummy.

Seize them!

[ Gunshot ]

Seize ya later.

Huh? What?

From now on, we're talking more.

We should really get to know each other.

You're right, Jen. There should be no secrets

between us, which brings me to apples.

What's the deal with apples?

Sometimes, I get real lonely.

I haven't been with a woman in 15 years.

I use apples to deal with this. Oh, no.

First I remove the core,

put it in the microwave for eight seconds,

then I spread the innards with apple butter.

Do you fuck apples?

The thing about apples is --

I ate an apple you masturbated with?!

Hold on, it's not what it looks like.

Easy with the harsh language.

Okay.

I just wanted to say,

I like to have sex with apples, and you ate one of those apples.

Ugh! I know!

It's really gross that you ate that.

[ Crowd chanting "Chubbie!" ] It feels good letting that out.

We're really talking about things.

This is nice.

[ Coughing ]

Chubbie! Chubbie! Chubbie! Me! Me! Me!

Chubbie! Chubbie! Me! Me!

♪♪