Original subtitles

The following programme contains adult humour.

You don't even have the balls to say the words.

-You're pathetic! -I'm sorry things didn't work out.

Say it, you fraud. You silver-spoon fed joke.

Thanks for stopping by, Howard. Say it.

"You're fired. You're fired," say it.

You can't even say the words, -you pussy! -I'll tell you what.

Change my kid's diaper on the way out and I'll make sure

your Christmas bonus cheque doesn't get lost in the mail.

You can't do it. I'll... You'll what? What, are you gonna sue me?

I have two floors of lawyers in this building swatting away

bullshit lawsuits like gnats in a barbecue.

Change...the diaper, Howard!

Hey, take the garbage out on the way out.

Whoa. Here's my tax returns.

(MUSIC - YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN BY DIVINE)

Charybdis, can you turn the music up?

(VOLUME INCREASES)

All right.

I want you to make art

to each other.

I'll be here, filming it.

Here. And...action!

♪ Yes, walk away...

Oh? You're telling me you can make it

♪ On your own... Goodness gracious!

♪ ..all alone without my help Mister, you just made a big mistake

♪ You think you're a man but you are only a boy

♪ You think you're a man, you are only a toy... ♪

Hi! (LOWERS VOICE) Oh, hi. Yeah.

I've got a bit of celebrity gossip for the Page Six gang.

Are you ready? Donald Trump is the best golfer in New York.

Yeah, you can quote me on that. Oh, my name?

Uh, John...

..Baron. Yeah, the girls go crazy for him.

They throw their bras at him on the fairway.

OK, well, there you go, that's a little story for you.

OK, great. Bye-bye!

Mm! Mm...

Reception said Howard was sobbing, in the lobby.

Yeah, about Howard. Christ, Kay.

We can't have these people in my office.

We let people go over the phone. Of course.

But I thought Howard was safe. I mean, he was in your wedding.

He clogged up the toilet at the reception.

No, that was you at Howard's wedding, sir.

Ah, I certainly don't remember it that way,

but I guess we'll never know. He's depressing.

Make sure you lose his Christmas bonus cheque in the mail.

You know, next time you gotta do something like that,

for both of your sakes, you should just rip the band-aid off.

You know, don't count 10, just dive right into the cold water.

No metaphors, what are you saying? I mean, just get it over with.

A simple "you're terminated," does the job,

doesn't leave any grey area. There's no point dancing around things.

Speaking of dancing around things, and I mean tits,

just so there's no grey area, when are we gonna see the cheerleaders?

OK, so most of the press are here...

-Mm! -So, yeah, as soon as you finish your hamburgers,

we can head down to the basement. Basement?!

Yeah, we had to move everything from the lobby to the basement.

The TV people said the noise from the fountain

was making it hard to record sound. And all the gold everywhere

was causing flares with the lighting.

These people have no class! We gonna have cheerleaders

dancing around in a basement? I didn't even know we had a basement.

Ivana's office is in the basement.

As a matter of fact, she's down there right now

putting finishing touches on the cheerleaders' uniforms.

Ooh, swish! Rim job.

"The United States Football League will play in the summer.

"The NFL are small fries, and we're the whole baked potato,

"says franchise owner Donald Trump."

Did you know I did some paintings for him?

He commissioned them for his big, ugly eyesore skyscraper

on Fifth Avenue and I did them. Eight of them.

Black and silver, with glittering diamond dust.

-Wow! -Well, he decided he didn't want them.

He never explained why.

He didn't have the decency to call me either.

Had one of his minions do it.

He never paid me. I suspect he's cheap, you know.

-Vile! -Hm.

I would love to give him a piece of my mind.

It's appalling behaviour. You should, Andy.

Mm. I'll probably just write something mean about him in my diary.

It just makes so mad, though.

Maybe I shouldn't go to -that thing today. -So, don't.

He should be so lucky to have you there.

It's just when I go out now,

sometimes I don't even recognise New York any more.

And I worry that New York doesn't recognise me back.

There will be press there, though.

Right. Go.

Do it!

And tell him where he can stick his stupid skyscraper.

Ah!

Ooh! Judges, who do we got?

Uh... Um, yeah,

so many people were already booked for other things.

Let's see, we got LeRoy Neiman.

The black guy from Fame? He's a terrific dancer.

Yeah, I think you're thinking of the character Leroy from Fame.

That's Gene Anthony Ray.

The guy who shot Martin Luther King? He's here?

-So, we got LeRoy Neiman. -Spock? No, that's Leonard Nimoy.

I'm talking about the artist.

He's done a lot of work for Hefner. Ooh, Hef! He's here?

No. We got Beverly Sills!

From the Beverly Sillsbillies? What? No!

-The opera singer. -What has this gotta with football?

You wanted Farrah Fawcett. What's she got to do with football?

Hello? Hamburgers, titty-titty tatas?

America, you know!

OK, one person from your list was available and said yes.

-Andy Warhol. -Andy? Oh, you know what he said once?

-I do. -He said that making money is art,

and working as art... Yeah. Good business is the best art.

-Yeah. -That's an actual Andy Warhol quote.

I mean, smart guy. Weird guy, total queer, but a smart guy.

All set?

Oh?

Wonderful!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Taxi?

Really incredible.

It was the best Match Game I've seen yet.

Charles Nelson Reilly, that guy is so funny!

He made this great joke. You don't watch Match Game?

No, I don't know... Over Bridges of Sighs

♪ To rest my eyes in shades of green

♪ Under Dreaming Spires

♪ To Itchycoo Park, that's where I've been

♪ What did you do there? I got high!

♪ What did you feel there? Well, I cried!

♪ But why the tears there? Tell you why-yyyyy!

♪ It's all too beautiful

♪ It's all too beautiful

♪ It's all too beautiful

♪ It's all too beautiful

♪ It's all too beautiful

♪ It's all too beautiful...

Ladies and gentlemen, the owner of the New Jersey Generals,

Mr Donald J Trump.

I should introduce myself to the girls.

In case they're nervous. Which way's their dressing room?

Ivana is actually in the dressing room at the moment,

just putting finishing touches on -their outfits. -What a cock block!

-Is that you? -Just this way, sir.

-Mr Trump?Jimmy. -I would like you to meet LeRoy Neiman!

May the force be with you.

-I'm sorry? -Is that not you?

Um, Beverly Sills.

Oh, boy. Did they tell you that I love the opera?

Ironically, I have a no fat chicks policy,

so I usually leave before the end.

It's a joke! I really do love the opera.

Beverly, this is my wife, Ivana.

-Hi. -She just finished tailoring all the outfits

for the cheerleaders today. Which I realise now,

is a clever way of keeping all of them

from hitting on a happily-married man.

Am I right?

-Wait, where's Warhol? -Good question,

he should've been here half an hour ago.

Don't bend me over today, Andy. Christ!

♪ I would like to climb High in a tree

♪ I could be happy, I could be happy

♪ Or go to Skye On my holiday

♪ I could be happy, I could be happy

♪ Maybe swim a mile Down the Nile

♪ I could be happy, I could be happy...

(MUSIC CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND)

(CHATTER)

You know, Steven Spielberg has an apartment in this building?

No shit. You wanna meet him?

You could be in one of his pictures, like I don't know,

ET, or the other one. I can totally arrange it.

Cheri, Susie, come on over!

Mr Trump, uh, I'm told Mr Warhol is stuck in traffic

and will be here shortly. Now, I am thinking we should get cracking.

Oh! No, yeah.

OK, gang. Let's get started.

And find that little peroxided freak! Find out where he is.

The boss is gonna fill his diapers if Warhol is a no-show.

All right. OK, on it.

All right. Danny, let's hit the lights!

All right, just a reminder, we are looking for the best answers

New York has to offer. The best of the best.

Psst! More like "the breast of the breast," am I right?

Wait till you see the cans on the redhead. Ooh, boy!

Oh, will you relax? It's a joke, First Amendment.

All right, let's get started.

Our first cheerleader, from Passaic, New Jersey,

it's Susie Baraff!

♪ Are you ready for the pony girls?

♪ The ride, ride, fast, ride, pony girls?

♪ Are you ready for -the lonely girls? -Next!

From Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, Sandra Hayes.

♪ They've got time on their hands...

Are they all...?All what?

Uh...

Are they all going to dance the same way?

I mean, couldn't some of them dance the tango or something?

LemRay? Thoughts?

No? OK, let's keep going.

Next. From right here in New York City, it's Courtney Booker.

Ooh!

♪ Are you ready for the sex girls?

♪ No-one is ready for the sex girls!

♪ Are you ready for the sex girls? I like that one!

♪ No-one is ready for... ♪

Mr Warhol?

We've been waiting for you downstairs.

My pieces are better than this stuff.

Mr Trump will be so pleased you're here, Mr Warhol.

-Andy. -Andy.

Yes?

Uh, we, we should... We should really go downstairs.

You know, he asked me to do some work.

We really better get going. If you just...

♪ Hello!

♪ Hello again!

♪ Hello!

♪ Hello again!

♪ You might have forgot The journey ends

♪ You tied your knots You made your friends

♪ You left the scene Without a trace

♪ One hand on the ground One hand in space...

Oh. That's a no for you.

(MUSIC STOPS) Andy?

Andy Warhol is here, everybody. Let's take five.

Andy, where the hell have you been? I mean, you're later than a...

Well, I was gonna make a Puerto Rican joke, but A,

I'm not 100% certain about that guy, and B, I'm just happy you're here.

-Hello, Donald. -Uh, can I get you something to drink?

Well, coffee's gone, but we have an incredible new soft drink called Tab.

Now, full disclosure, it's warm.

I could get you something else. Then we have to send a girl out,

-and it gets expensive. -I'm fine. Thank you, Donald.

You remember Beverly, and Lemurn, right?

Of course. Beverly, saw you the other week with Shirley MacLaine,

-Waldorf Towers. -I told you the sports world

wasn't done with you yet, Andy. (CHUCKLES)

We had a joint exhibition of sports paintings at the

Institute Of Contemporary Art in LA couple of years back

for a guy called Richard Weisman. Yes. As I recall,

that was a scenario where we were both commissioned and paid

for our work, wasn't it? You bet it was.

Bought me a Cadillac, to start with. You know what Andy said once?

-What's that? -Andy said that making money is art, working is art,

good business is the best art. Isn't that brilliant?

So, I'm an artist, too. Andy paints groceries,

and I make millions. Am I right?

I'm gonna grab a sandwich.

Actually, I would love to talk to you about a little thing.

As I'm sure you recall... Sorry to interrupt.

I have a photographer here from The New York Post

who would just love to get a photo of the two of you.

Yeah, well, send him over. It's a her, actually,

-and she's right here. -Mm. Mr Warhol, Mr Trump,

this is Agnieszka Kowalovic from The New York Post.

What's your name again? It's Agnieszka.

-Oh, well, gesundheit. -It is a huge honour to meet you, Mr Warhol.

-Oh, I like your camera. -Thank you.

Hello, Donald. Please, call me Donald.

(KISSES HAND) How do you do?

Ah, now your name, let me guess? Mexican?

-I'm from Poland. -Oh, I got a great Polish joke for you.

No, no!

Uh, Andy and I are no strangers to your pages.

But I got the hat-trick. I'm on the front page three times a week

for my businesses, I'm on page 6 three times a day for my social life,

and now I'm all over your back page with my football team.

Um...?

Patricia, are you married? It's Agnieszka.

-Now? -Sorry to but in, guys.

We only got a couple more girls to dance.

We want to wrap this thing up? Christ, I never thought

in a million years I'd get tired of tits bouncing in Lycra.

This is taking forever!

I have to leave now, sorry. I have nausea.

Agnausea? I'd love to take you to dinner.

I always have time for my friends at The New York Post.

-I can have Kay set it up. -Please, no.

No, you please no. You're delightful.

Oh.

Donald, I really need to ask you something.

Yeah, if she went up two cup sizes, she'd be an 8.

What?

Patrish-nish, the photographer!

Earth to Andy. Come in, Andy!

Exactly how much of this space cadet stuff is schtick.

You little kook!

(SIGHS)

Oh, what about her? She'd be good!

Uh, can someone get Andy his glasses?

-What's your name? -It's Phyllis. You'd make a great cheerleader.

Actually, I have a prosthetic leg.

Then, make that head cheerleader!

You're looking to break ground with this football league, right?

-Isn't that the idea? -Andy, buddy,

cheerleaders are supposed to get people excited.

-No offence. -Who wants a boring 10?

Such a dull number.

Beauty has such a very close relationship with pain, you know?

Don't get me wrong, ladies. Your dancing is out of this world,

but I'd like to try to find out what really pushes your buttons.

May I talk to the cheerleaders?

-Press really love this shit. -Yeah.

All right. Line up, ladies.

Oh, boy.

OK, you with the perm.

If you had to choose between never speaking to your mother again

or never watching TV again, what would you choose?

Um, bye, Mom.

Nothing comes between me and my Falcon crest!

(LAUGHS) You, with the blue eye shadow.

Which animal do you genuinely find the most sexually attractive?

Are we not gonna get to dance?

All right. Leg warmers here.

If you woke up one morning and you were the mayor,

what's the first law you would pass?

I would give the death penalty to men who leave the toilet seat up.

Wow!(LAUGHTER)

OK, ladies, I think we've seen everything we need to see.

We'll be in touch. Lights!

You are one sick puppy, Andy.

An absolute nutbag!

So, thanks for coming down. I actually do have something

I've been meaning to talk to you -about. -Yeah, you mentioned that.

I'll have Kay set up a call. I got a million things going on,

and I got this new project. Donald... I'm gonna negotiate peace

with the Soviets, and I'm gonna stop a nuclear war from happening.

My lawyer says I can do it, and he's a smart guy.

(CLEARS THROAT) Thanks for having us.

When will we know which cheerleaders get selected?

Oh, Christ, we picked them months ago. This is just for show!

I have the daughters of a couple of friends I owe a favour to,

and then a few of my executives' nieces,

and then at least one ex-girlfriend who I wanna keep on my good side.

You know what I mean?!

This will only take a minute, Donald.

Actually, I have dinner at Delmonico's and I'm running late,

and I don't wanna be a white guy downtown after dark, you know?

Sitting duck. I, I just have one question.

-Christ, what? -Why didn't you pay me for my paintings?

Oh, well, if I remember...

Uh, I wonder if it was miscommunication.

Uh, Ivana, honey? Do you remember?

OK, well, I'll look into it. Because I'm just as confused as you are.

I would appreciate the truth. And you deserve it, you deserve it.

It's just that I'm wracking my brain, to try to figure out what happened.

-You know. -Answer me, Donald. Why didn't you pay me?

You didn't even have the decency to call me yourself

and tell me you didn't want them. -Come on. -You had an underling do it.

You know that I deserve... You wanna know why I didn't buy your paintings?

Because I fucking hated them! (OTHERS GASP)

Thank you.

Maybe it's all for best.

Art is what you can get away with, isn't it?

Well, I mean, I know art.

I'm an artist, too! You should know that more than anybody.

Good business is the best art!

♪ I could be right

♪ Could be wrong...

'January 15th, 1984.

'The papers are going to write a little column

'about the cheerleader auditions today. They're going to leave out

'the part about how Donald Trump is cheap and rude,

'and about how I gave him a piece of my mind,

'and about how he's a dull bore.

'But it wouldn't even matter if they did put that stuff in.

'Donald Trump knows that.

'It's one thing to have the papers write bad stuff about you.

'What you really have to worry about

'is if they stop writing any stuff at all.

'Can you imagine?'

♪ ..I could be right

♪ I could be wrong

♪ I could be right

♪ I could be wrong, I could be right

♪ I could be black, I could be white

♪ I could be right, I could be wrong

♪ I could be black, I could be white

♪ Your time has come, your second skin

♪ The cost so high, the gain so low

♪ Walk through the valley

♪ The written word is a lie

♪ May the road rise with you

♪ I could be wrong

♪ I could be right... ♪

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