Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language from the outset and throughout.

..total fucking bollocks!

'I bloody told Noel Edmonds to pick me up in the field next to the house!'

-Right. -Dozy bastard lands his chopper right in my garden!

You should see the state of my begonias, Bob!

Elton, I don't have an opening act. No.

And I need to raise five million quid,

and I'm trying to run a ten-hour stadium show

-off of four generators! -Three. -Three?! -Yeah.

Christ!

So, while I appreciate that having Noel Edmonds in your garden

in any context

must be vaguely traumatic... Fine plants, Bob, begonias.

They don't seek the limelight like some of the other...

-Do you fancy opening? -No!

Stage one is fantastic!

Maybe see it as a tribute

to your... To your plants! And the whole famine thing!

They wouldn't want a tribute, Bob, I'm telling you! Christ, you're not listening!

Begonias are some of the most bashful plants I've ever had the privilege of growing!

A tribute would be their worst fucking nightmare!

They're humble!

Do you fancy opening, Freddie?

No, darling, I need to soak up the vibe.

That's a load of bollocks!

You're all scared about not getting sound checks

and you want someone else to break in the mics!

Hadn't even crossed my mind, Robert. That's the only way that you'll all get on, Freddie.

-Absolutely. -Are the Irish band here -yet? -No.

-I do like the singer.Bo-no? -Boner?!

-It's Bono, OK? It's Bono! -Is it? Yeah!

-Oh.Bono. -Oh.

-Bono. -What a shame!

(KNOCKS)

Would you fancy opening, maybe, Sade?

-Uh, yeah, all right.Yeah? -Wow!

-Well, that's great! -As long as you get the others to stop asking me about Africa.

Hm?

-Ah. -Shite!

Ah, look...

I'm... I'm sorry!

I left Africa when I was four, Bob.

I can tell them about Colchester, but I'm not sure today's really about Colchester, is it?

-No. Not primarily. -No.

So how can I be the African expert?

I know the line-up. It doesn't look great.

-No. -God knows, we tried!

Prince, Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross, -Michael Jackson. -But they didn't want to do it.

-What about the Brits? -Personally, I'd have loved to have had Aswad.

Or Steel Pulse.

But they don't have the profile, Sade.

It has to be about the money, Sade, it has to be!

And I know they're a bunch of bleeding lunatics,

but they're the biggest acts in the country, yeah?

And if I can get those acts on that stage, then we get the money!

No, it's cool.

I just didn't think today would involve me

explaining to an off-their-tits Status Quo why Africa

is hot in the winter.

Yeah.

-Do you know what I mean?Yeah. -Mm.

-Yeah?OK. -It's fine.

It's not.

-Look, you're not opening, Sade. -No.

And I'll make sure that you get -a sound check. -What?!

No, it's fine. Everything's...

-Jesus! -Everything's fine. Great.

What's wrong with Steel Pulse? I like Steel Pulse.

Tony!

Tony, speak to me!

They're running too low, Bob!

It isn't a sustainable situation! What?!

You're asking me to transcend the rules of kinetic energy.

To play God in the atheist world of physics!

Tony, just tell me in a way that -I'll understand. -Yes.

Right. If one goes, you're fucked.

If two go, you're massively fucked. Bob!

-Midge! -I've really got to check on those snacks.

I was just looking for you.

Could I have a wee word? Absolutely. Yeah.

OK, Tony.

There's two billion people watching this,

so it's all down to you.

So we're on quite early.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm just trying to fit everyone in, like, you know?

I'm surprised to see your mob higher up the bill.

No. Really? Are we?

Aye.

How long's your slot?

Um...

I dunno!

Aye, 18 minutes. Hm.

I checked.

Oh, yeah. That's right - 18.

And remind me.

How long is I Don't Like Mondays?

I'd say probably like four minutes.

Three minutes, 52 seconds.

Yeah.

-I checked. -Right.

So are you gonna play it four times?

Huh.

I mean, come on, Midge.

We do have other songs.

-You know? -Ho-ho-ho-ho.

-We do! -Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Well, thanks for having me. It's good to be here.

Come on, Midge. Don't be like that! Like what?

(EXASPERATED SIGH)

Well, I mean, would you... Would you...

Would you...fancy...

opening? No. Just... No, no, no.

No. No.

Definitely not.

Right, Midge. Well, it's lovely speaking to you,

but just go on and have fun, like everyone else.

Please.

I've gotta get past you, now.

Jesus Christ!

Crazy bastard!

Can you sign for... Will you fuck off, will you?

I'm not sure about having your name plastered all over your guitar, Brian. It looks a bit...showy.

I dunno. I quite like it, you know?

You got your name on it. It reminds you whose guitar it is, you know?

It would mean you wouldn't keep losing yours, I suppose.

Not a bad point!

Hey, did you come in on Edmonds' chopper, as well?

Yeah, that was incredible.

Being up there, looking down on the fans.

They were like little ants crawling about.

We got a taxi here, Rick.

-Did we? -Yeah, big time.

Oh, fucking hell! What a taxi!

Here we go!

♪ Here we go and here we go and here we go! ♪

That's one of ours.

Edmonds shouldn't even be involved, Freddie. He's not rock'n'roll!

-Which one's Edmonds? -He's on TV with a fucking beard.

Oh, yeah. The nature stuff. -That's David Bellamy! -Right.

Wish it had been David Bellamy!

David Bellamy wouldn't land -in my fucking garden! -No?

Wouldn't dream of it. There's only one big white chopper allowed in my garden

and it belongs to a Scandinavian called Horst! Put some fucking trousers on - you look ridiculous!

-Fucking Edmonds! Hello, love. -Hiya.

It's like velvet, darling. What do -you use? -Just shampoo.

Don't you dare!'Sade!'

Phil, are you all right? I'd love to send a message to Africa during my set.

OK. Yeah, of course. You can do -that. Absolutely. -Great.

Is there an Ethiopian tribal word that means, "This is your day to shine"?

Oh, and it would be great if it rhymed with Sussudio.

Fuck's sake!

Did you see Hadley's jacket?

-Christ Almighty! -Hi, Bob. How are you?

-Good, thank you. -Grand. Fantastic.

On we go. Yep.

So, how long?20 minutes.

Then Charles, Diana, and two billion people get to watch an empty stage!

Why won't anybody bloody open? Because of the sound check!

It can't just be the sound checks.

McCartney? The later they play, the closer they are to him? I don't know!

-America! -ABC haven't picked up the feed yet.

Sneaky bastards! They all want to make sure they go out in the States!

When did rock stars get so smart?!

You say that...

Come on, Sade! Look out! Oi!

(ROAR OF CROWD)# Here we go and here we go... #Listen to that!

Congratulations, lads!

-Pinch me, Rossi! -What a slot!

They're banging on about some American thing.

Yeah, some palaver with the time difference.

Yeah, well, they're five hours ahead,

so you'll be going out just as the Americans are having their tea.

-Prime time. -Lovely-jubbly!

Hang on. Wait, wait, wait.

Isn't it five hours behind? -No.No. -No.

What it is, lads, is the way that we're using the satellites,

we actually end up reversing the time.

-Yeah? -What are they gonna come up with next?

Christ knows! Go on, then.

Yeah. Go on, lads. On you go!

Go on!

Knock them out, fellas!

(CROWD ROARS)

-Are they gonna be all right? -Yep.

They've only got to remember two chords, so...

Hello!

(FEEDBACK)

How you doing? All right?

The Quo.

The fucking Quo!

♪ Rockin' All Over The World

♪ Here we are and here we are and here we go ♪

Should it be doing that?

-What do you think? -Seems unlikely.

If you don't lose sound soon, it'll be a miracle.

Well, what can you do?

I could rob some power from backstage.

Well, they've all done their hair. Just bloody do it!

-MAN: -All right, Bob? How are you?

How are we for time? On track, more or less.

-U2 only played two songs. -What?

Bono had to "save" a girl "from being crushed".

Oh. It'll go far, that one.

And the donations?

I'll ask.

Wait. Hang on. Where are we going? I have to get ready!

No, you've got to go and say hello to Diana and her bloke. Come on.

Fuckin' bollocks!

Quo! Quo! Quo! Quo! Quo!

My heart was going like that.

-Got any coke? -I'm trying to stay off -it, Francis. -Fucking dry in here.

There's 72,000 people outside!

Are you gonna do Money For Nothing? -Probably. -It's a classic, innit?

-DIANA: -Where's Phil Collins? Your Highness,

with the greatest of respect,

I think you have some very strange -tastes. -Tell me about it.

Well, I shall look forward to playing for you.

We're leaving soon. Lunch with Mummy at HQ.

Right.

Please, um, excuse me just for one second.

(KNOCKING)

OK, Midge, um... A-hem.

Bit of a technical - we're having to move you up a few slots. That's fine, love.

OK.

MAN:'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage

'The Boomtown Rats!'

(AUDIENCE ROARS)

That fucking...

Did you see Charles dancing?

Good God, I thought he was having a bleedin' stroke!

I should have known it would end like this.

Do you want me to check on snacks? Look, Midge, I didn't know...

After everything I've done.

Everything YOU'VE done?

Midge, I've sacrificed my whole career for this!

You didn't have one to sacrifice!

-What?! -OK, boys. Let's calm down.

I wrote the bloody song, Bob!

No, you wrote the theme tune to Z Cars and we changed the words!

Oh, really? Well, at least I've got timing!

I'm sorry?

Tell me, Bob.

Why don't you jump at the end of songs any more?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You can't land on the beat.

I can't what?

That is... That is totally subjective.

Rockstar 101.

-And you can't do it. -Oh, I can land -on the beat. -You're incapable of landing on the beat.

I can land on the beat. That is not something you can do.

OK, boys.

-I can land on the beat! -You cannot!

I can land on the beat!

No-o-o!!

I can land on the beat!

The beat cannot be landed.

It was the bravest thing I've ever seen, darling.

I don't want the day to become -about me. -Of course!

-That's the last thing I want. -Yes.

He said he was told to land in my garden. That he was only following orders.

Where have we heard that before, -David? -Yeah, it sucks.

I'm not saying Noel Edmonds is an active Nazi.

-No. -But I'm not saying he's not!

Where's Alison Moyet?

We want them to have it. Yeah. Royalty-free.

-For what purpose? -To use as a, um, a what's it?

-National anthem. -National anthem. OK.

So you're suggesting that Ethiopia change their national anthem

to Rockin' All Over the World?

There ain't no cure -like rock'n'roll.Amen. -Sister.

She liked that, I think.

Do I smell?

Yes!

Bob! Bob!

Here you go.

Is that it?

That's all we've raised? There was an issue at the start.

The BBC didn't have quite enough, um...phones.

-Enough what? -Phones.

-Phones?! -Yeah.

Well, what happened?

Bob. OK, I'm your assistant.

I'm not in charge of the phones!

And why's the music stopped?

Because the acts know that the sound's on the blink, so they're scared to go on.

Well, this is a bloody mess!

Of course it's a bloody mess!

You decided to throw the world's biggest gig in history

with four months' warning

despite everyone in the whole world telling you not to.

It was only ever gonna be a bloody mess,

you stupid Dublin wanker!

Oh, God!

Oh, Jesus.

That's it!

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

I had a chat with Jimmy Savile and he said, "You look out for him because he's fucking trouble."

A beard like an angry vagina.

Listen up.

Will yous listen up, please?

Big, fat, hairy bitch!

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

OK. Shut the fuck up!

I don't want to hear another word about sound or slots

or bloody begonias!

I will not be silenced! They're plants, Elton, OK?

Flowers.

I need five million quid to get food to people who are fucking dying!

OK? They're fucking dying!

So, who's up next?

Hmm?

It would be the greatest honour of my life.

We've already been up, Rick.

-Have we? -Yes.

What is going on today?

Sit down.

I'll do it.

Thank you, Sade.

Now...

I'm gonna raise some money.

Is Bob in trouble?

No, no, no. Rick, do you want a glass of water?

Yeah, if I could, yeah. Thanks, Marsha.

We've got some great acts coming up.

And I hope the people at home are enjoying the show

but please, come on, let's not forget

'the reason why we're here. It's to raise money, you know?'

'Absolutely. So, the address...'

'Fuck the address. Just read out the phone number.'

'I think we're gonna have the address.''Look, pick up the phone and make a donation.

'Just don't go down the pub tonight, please!

'Just stay in, watch the telly and give us the money instead.

'There are people dying, now!

'So give me the money!'

Oh, let's just play the bloody hits, shall we?

♪ QUEEN: Hammer To Fall

♪ Here we stand

♪ Or here we fall

♪ History won't care at all

♪ Make the bed... ♪

Freddie has them in the palm of his hand!

Course he has!

OK.

So... You're banned from the BBC.

-Good. -And donations are up £300 a second!

-What?!Yeah!You're joking! -No!

No. And while it was wholly justified...

..I'm sorry for calling you a wanker.

Oh, well, come on. You wouldn't be the first!

We're gonna get the food trucks! I know.

I fucking know. I fucking know! Come on!

Especially when you add in the Band Aid money.

From Midge's song.

-I know.Yeah? -I know. I know.

Go on, then.

-For Christ's sake. -Yeah.

Come on.

FREDDIE:# Give it to me one more time! ♪

I shouldn't have nicked your slot.

I shouldn't have said that stuff -about your career. -No, but it's true.

I spent two grand buying copies of our last single.

I thought it didn't chart? It fucking didn't!

-Jesus. -I know.

(CONCERT ANNOUNCEMENTS IN DISTANCE)

You know what?

That's what makes today so impressive, Bob.

You didn't do this as a big star that people want to be seen with.

You did it as a washed-up wanker clinging to a record deal.

This wanker thing is relentless.

You had no right to make the day happen.

You built it with your bare hands.

And your anger and your stubbornness.

I'm proud of you, Bob.

And...

..I can land on the beat.

No. You can't.

No.

No, I can't.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Who's playing?

It's McCartney, I think.

Why isn't he singing?

Bob? Bob?

He's not coming through. -I can't hear... Marsha! -Yes?

Talk to me! And then there was one.

The sound's gone on his mic. They can't hear his vocals.

-What?! On McCartney?! -Yes!

Jeez, I'll have to leave the country!

Credit to the drummer, he's hanging in there.

Just like on the Titanic.

ANNOUNCER:'Sorry about that, folks. Gremlins in the system.'

Fuck it!

Tony, Tony.

What are the chances of just one more!

If you get it from backstage and make it acoustic, you might squeeze one

but we're running on fumes, mate!

Marsha, get the lyric sheets.

-What song? -Midge's song! Come on, let's go!

Feed the fucking world!

Let's go.

Marsha, bring them in!

Midge.

Snow in Africa at Christmas time?!

Best not scrutinise it, yeah?

"Where nothing ever grows"? Reminds me of my fucking garden.

"Feed the Welsh"?!"World", Rick! "Feed the world."

-Fucking cool. -OK, people, listen up.

This is it. It's done.

Now, where's David?

Yes?

David, you start, OK?

Give this shite some credibility. Shite?

OK, come on. Let's go.

Let's go.

(CROWD ROARS)

Well, go on, then!

Thank you so much!

It's been a great day!

♪ Here we stand

♪ Or here we fall

♪ History won't care at all

♪ Make the bed

♪ Light the light

♪ Lady Mercy won't be home tonight

♪ You don't waste no time at all

♪ Don't hear the bell but you answer the call

♪ Comes to you as to us all

♪ Yeah, we're just waiting for the hammer to fall ♪

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