Original subtitles

Hope.

That is what I am feeling on this glorious day

as we are gathered here together...

To mourn

the loss of one of our brethren,

cruelly taken in his prime due to cholera.

Which... which reminds me.

Please, please stay six feet apart.

Yes, good, nobody's doing it.

Okay, moving on.

But as each new day pummels us

with a seemingly endless onslaught of fresh horrors,

we must not lose faith.

After all, this is America,

where opportunity awaits around every corner.

- Can I get an amen? - Amen.

Yeah, just put her in the coffin, too.

They're... they're both pretty small.

- All right, you get her feet. - And we will take this from the top!

Hope!

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

That's it. This year's harvest.

Worse than last year,

which was worse than the year before that.

Maybe we should just kill ourselves now

and get it over with.

I am not killing myself.

You stupid... Please stop fighting!

Hey! That's enough! That's enough.

Guys, look. I know things seem desperate right now,

but I believe there is a better place for all of us.

Oregon. Yeah!

See, I've been reading testimonies

of people in similar situations to us.

Many of them have found their salvation in Oregon.

You know how to navigate across

2,000 miles of untamed territory?

- No, I... - Sorry, Reverend.

Without an experienced guide,

going to Oregon is out of the question.

Maybe we should just go back to John's idea

about killing ourselves.

I think there was something there.

Oh, Zeke.

Hold it right there.

Oh, no. Aah...

Wow, Zeke. Really?

You look truly dismal.

Come on, Pru, you know I don't feel comfortable

with that contraption of yours.

Capturing one's image is absolutely a form of vanity.

Why does everything have to be a sin with you?

Can't it just be fun?

I'm not really in a fun mood right now, what with the town

on the verge of extinction and everything.

Hey, man. You think you have it bad?

I just spent all day mending socks.

All day. Just socks.

So will you please just let me have this one thing?

Yes, I will. Okay. Don't hurt me.

Great.

Okay, how's, um... how's this?

Oh, yes, I love it!

You're giving me serious fire and brimstone right now,

- and it's working. - You're ridiculous.

Ah. That was pretty cool.

Well, good day, Reverend.

Good day, Mrs. Aberdeen.

Oh, and hey... good luck saving the town.

Heavenly Father, it's me, Ezekiel Brown.

I don't know why I said my name.

You know it's me. We talk all the time.

This town is full of good people, Lord,

innocent people,

but if we don't find someone who can lead us to Oregon,

they're all gonna die.

Please, Lord,

send us a miracle.

Howdy.

Come on, get him on the table. Get him on the table.

Come on, he's hurt, he's hurt.

Okay, let's see what we've got here.

Oh, my God! Oh. You know what?

Actually, Prudence,

uh, you should take care of this.

It's more like women's work anyway. So...

Sir, can you drink any water?

Whiskey?

Well, I don't think that's a good idea.

- You've been wandering the desert. - I said whiskey!

Okay.

Sir, my... my name is Reverend Ezekiel Brown.

Can I ask who you are?

I'm nobody.

Um, Jim Nobody.

Yeah, I'm... I'm a frontiersman.

You see, I was just out on the dusty trail,

Argh! And, uh...

Out of nowhere, this gang of outlaws comes

and they... they shoot me in the back.

By the way, how's it looking back there?

Good. It's bad.

Uh, a frontiersman? Sir, by any chance,

have your travels taken you to Oregon?

Sure, once or twice.

I've been all over this damn country

- more times than I can count. - This is it!

This is the man who can take us to Oregon.

You said yourself, John, all we needed was a guide

and God has sent us this man.

Sir, will you lead us to our salvation in Oregon?

No.

- What? - Look,

I appreciate you patching me up and all,

but I have no interest in chaperoning

a bunch of soft-bellied, slack-jawed dirt farmers

across the country.

- No offense. - None taken.

I got the medicine from town,

and you won't believe the news.

Benny the Teen robbed Fort McAlister.

Benny the Teen, the notorious outlaw?

In these parts?

They're sending in federal marshals

across the territory to find him.

Ah, you know what?

I think I'll take you to Oregon after all.

Great! What changed your mind?

Just figured, why say no when you can say yes?

In fact I think we should leave right now.

Oh, but don't we need time

to plan the route and stock up on supplies?

Nah, the Oregon Trail's a straight shot.

I mean, we can pretty much wing it.

Okay!

Who's excited to go to Oregon?

All right! Come on! Time's a-wasting.

Hey, looking good, Granny McGill.

Hey, Reverend. All this bouncing around

reminds me of my wedding night.

- Ha ha! - Okay.

Oh, um, howdy, wagon master.

You mind if I ride up front with you?

Be my guest.

- Ah! - Okay.

So, tell me, what's life like as a frontiersman, then?

Well, you know, it's, uh...

roaming the frontier, doing frontier stuff.

Oh, fascinating.

What kind of frontier stuff? You know, specifically?

Uh, you know, little of this, little of that.

It's frontier stuff. I don't know how else to explain it.

How friggin' awesome is this?

Just the open land, fresh air,

just the sense of adventure.

I feel free.

Prudence!

Oh, God. I should get that.

Yes, dear?

I'm feeling wagon-sick. Can you rub my belly?

Of course, dear.

I, like, hate this trip already.

The wagons are so bumpy. The oxen smell like shit.

Like, would it kill them to just put a skylight

in one of these things?

You know, you might actually

enjoy it more if you just left the wagon.

Yeah, it's really beautiful out there.

I saw a cloud that looked just like a rabbit.

Oh. That's nice, but, that makes no sense.

Right? 'Cause clouds look like clouds,

and rabbits look like...

Rabbits.

- Okay? - You're right.

Now less talk-talk and more rub-rub.

I'm just gonna lie here until we get to Oregon.

Enough about me. What's... What's your deal?

I notice you talk crazy.

Well, I was born and raised in England.

Well, not raised, actually. I'm an orphan, so...

Oh, well, sorry to hear that.

Yes, the headmistress would beat me

with a shovel every morning

and feed me scraps of shoe leather for dinner.

To earn my keep I had to dance naked for pennies.

Pennies can really hurt.

Wow, that sounds rough.

No, actually, it's a pretty standard childhood in England.

Ho!

U.S. Marshals.

Pull over.

We're looking for an outlaw,

goes by the name of Benny the Teen.

Oh, yes, we heard about the robbery at Fort McAlister.

Terrible business.

I'm Reverend Ezekiel Brown.

This is our wagon master, Jim Nobody.

Nobody, huh?

It's German.

German.

German-Dutch, eh... Scottish.

French.

Would you mind removing your hat, please, Mr. Nobody?

You've never seen this man before?

No. I don't recognize him at all.

Handsome guy, though. Beautiful mustache.

Oh, hey!

Get this off me!

What... I... come on!

What... oh! Oh.

No, doesn't ring a bell.

I'm just so sorry for the inconvenience, gentlemen.

Happy trails.

Yeah, keep up the good work, officer.

Whoo! Whoo!

Hoo hoo!

All right, let's get back on the trail.

So there I was, with just my boots on,

when her husband kicks down the door.

I don't think the fair reverend's gonna like this next part.

Yeah, I bet I won't.

Ooh. Somebody's got a snake in his boot.

Ooh. Speaking of snakes,

I gotta drain the ol' sidewinder.

I call it that because of how weird it looks.

All right, everyone, listen up.

That man is not who he claims to be.

- That is Benny the Teen. - Who? The mysterious wagon master

- who appeared out of thin air? - Yes! Him.

And we have to do something before he slips away.

Whew! Ahh. False alarm.

Is it true what the rev says?

Are you Benny the Teen?

All right, I am.

Ooh...

Benny the Teen!

What?

We got a celebrity in our midst.

He's not a celebrity. He's a famous murderer.

Please, stay as long as you need.

It is our honor to be led

- by the Benny the Teen. - Yeah!

Brethren, what are we thinking?

We cannot allow ourselves to be led by this man.

This man's a criminal! He's done terrible things.

He's done nothing bad to me.

No, not yet. He just got here.

What if he robs you? What if he kills you?

Well, that's different. That'd be a discussion.

Unbelievable.

Well, I guess it's settled, then.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes, the husband.

Well, he looks at us and he says,

"Don't stop. I'm into it. Keep going."

And then I shot him.

Sounds like they're having fun out there.

Well, why don't we have some fun in here?

I heard what you said earlier

about wanting me to enjoy myself.

Well, I'm feeling much better now.

Well, that's nice, but I...

I want you to just sit right there

and you let Monsieur Todd grab the martinis.

I made them extra dirty.

With stagnant pond water I found beside the road.

Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.

You can catch dysentery like that.

Ooh, it's spicy.

No, thank you. I can't...

hold my liquor like you can.

I see.

Straight to business, then.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Are you good? - Yeah.

Did you hear that? Must've been an owl.

They're all over these parts.

Anyway, where were we?

Aah!

They're... really hooting tonight.

- Do you maybe need to step outside? - No, no, no.

I'm good, I'm... hey.

I'm so good.

Ooh.

Ah. Aah!

Love you.

Oh, Lord! It's like the great Mississippi

gushing from my ass!

Hey, kid. Want to come sit up front with me?

No, thank you. I don't sit next to evil sinners.

You know, nothing's really changed, if you think about it.

I'm still taking you to Oregon.

Might be a nicer trip if we were more friendly-like.

I'm not your friend. I thought you were sent by God

but it turns out you were sent by the devil.

Whoa!

Hey, guys!

Oop! Sorry about the gunshot.

I know it's, like, super loud.

Can everyone please step out of their wagons?

- Who is he? - Bad news.

Yeah, thanks. I'm that guy.

Have any of you seen Benny the Teen?

With all due respect, sir,

we already got searched by the sheriff.

Oh, with all due respect, ma'am,

I ain't the sheriff.

I'm a bounty hunter.

I've brought hundreds of men to the noose,

but Benny the Teen has always eluded me.

That is, until I found a trail of bloody footprints

leading from Fort McAlister

to your town. Imagine that.

So let me ask you one more time.

Have any of you seen Benny the Teen?

Benny.

Oh, sorry, I just...

Sorry! Benny.

Is it allergies? Uch.

My sinuses go crazy, too. I feel you, brother.

I'm saying Benny is in there.

Everyone stand back.

I got you.

Congrats! You found me.

But you'll never catch me.

To the trees!

Guess I'm a little rusty.

Stop playing hard to get.

Thank you, Reverend. You've done a good deed

bringing this villain to justice.

Yeah, thanks, Ezekiel.

Good luck getting to Oregon now.

No, no, we can still get to Oregon.

We just follow the trail.

Oh, no. Where, um...

Where... where is that trail?

Hey, Zeke. Doing all right?

Yeah! Yeah, great.

Benny's off to jail and it's gonna be

smooth sailing all the way to Oregon.

I am perfectly capable of leading us.

I just need to figure out which way is west.

Um...

Huh. Yeah, this isn't a map.

This is an anatomical drawing of a horse.

Yes, so it is.

Hmm, there are its powerful haunches.

Oh, God. We're screwed, aren't we?

Yeah.

It doesn't make any sense!

Why? Why would God send an evil man to lead us

on a righteous mission?

Why, God, why? What do you want from me?

Is this some sort of test, you sick son of a bitch?

- Whoa! - You want me to crawl on the ground

and spank my little arse, do you?

- I'll do it! - Oh, my...

Is this what you like? Am I a good little piggy?

- Oink! Oink! - Hey! Hey, cut it out.

Come on, knock it off.

Get up. Hey! Listen.

What if God isn't punishing you?

Maybe God's okay with you doing a little bad

if it means doing a lot of good?

You're right. You're right.

We need to get Benny back.

Yes! Thank you.

Okay, the bounty hunter probably hasn't gotten far.

We can still catch up.

Prudence? Where are you?

I blasted through that toilet paper.

We're gonna need something much stronger.

Do you have to deal with that?

No. Todd can take care of himself.

Let's get out of here.

Oh! No, it's fine. I found some red ivy here.

Maybe if I rub it in real good and deep

it'll feel better.

Hey?

Seeing as this might be our last chat and all,

I've always been curious... How come you never

tell anyone your name?

A man needs a name so his people know what to call him by.

I don't got people.

Ahh.

Nah, I'm not buying it.

I think it's because you have a really weird name.

Let me guess... Is it Nerbert?

My name's not Nerbert.

Is it Frampton?

- Frampton... - Oh! I got it. It's Dingus.

My name isn't Dingus, okay?

I'm not playing this game with you anymore.

You annoy me.

Hello! Excuse me.

Reverend? What are you doing here?

We just wanted to say thank you again

for capturing this despicable piece of human scum.

Boy. Kick a man when he's down much?

And in honor of this historic occasion,

we thought you might like a photograph.

The day Benny the Teen was brought to justice

by the great, um...

- Dingus. - Shut up!

Wow! Uh, yeah, no. Uh, um...

I'll do a photo, yeah, sure.

Great! Okay, so just come a little closer.

- All right. - A little more.

I'm blushing.

A little closer, and then just look right here.

What should I do?

Maybe like a... No.

Um, I'll do the gun, the guns.

Okay, and now just say "cheese" for 20 minutes.

Cheese...

- I'm getting you out of here. - Oh! My man.

Eeee... That's really good.

Just keep it going, just a couple more minutes.

Eee...

- Can't get these ropes off. - That's okay.

I can wiggle my way out of any situation.

- Wiggle free! - No. Stop wiggling!

It's working! I can feel it!

It's not working! It's making it tighter.

- Okay, come on, get up. - Hey, what's going on?

All right, nobody move.

- Damn it. - No funny business.

Put your hands up where the sun don't shine.

You want me to put my hands up my butt?

- What? - You said you wanted me

to put my hands where the sun don't shine.

That would be my butt.

That is what you said technically.

All right, would you just give me a break for a second?

This is my first time sticking somebody up.

- I'm very nervous. - All right, forget I said anything.

- You're... you're doing great. - Thank you.

All right, what's your plan here, huh, pardner?

'Cause you don't seem to me

like the killing type.

Take that!

Take his horse. Let's go.

Oh...

Hey, hey, wait! I'm still tied up!

Better luck next time, Dingus!

My name's not Dingus.

Well, joke's on you, 'cause that horse sucks.

Hey, everyone! We got Benny back!

Hi, guys.

How'd you do it?

It was all Pru's idea.

She tricked the bounty hunter.

Well, my plan wouldn't have worked

if Ezekiel hadn't pulled a friggin' gun on the guy.

Aah, I did do that.

Prudence! There you are!

Oh, my God, Todd.

Oh, yes. The ivy made things much worse.

Thankfully, though, I was able to

fashion this undergarment

out of surplus wagon materials.

Sort of a gentleman's napkin, if you will.

Anyway, um, I will need you

to lather aloe all over my body,

as I am a wee bit concerned my skin is going to explode.

Of course, dear.

Thanks, Zeke. That was really fun.

Yeah, it was. Well, um,

we should do it again some time.

I'd like that.

I gotta admit, those were some

pretty impressive bandit moves back there.

You know, I think you got a little bit more

bad guy in you than you think.

Well, I think you have a little bit more

good guy in you than you think.

I don't know about that.

No, well, I know you have killed people,

but I'm sure it was always in self-defense.

Not really. Sometimes it was straight-up murder.

Just men, though, right?

Yeah, yeah, just men.

And women.

And some children.

Bad children, at least?

No, just children.