Original subtitles

Almost ready to storm the Citadel and defeat the Hive Mother.

CHORAL MUSIC This is the culmination of... everything.

MUSIC STOPS Oh, I need a tea!

Do you want one? Erm... No, thanks. OK.

I'm a massive woman! Quack-quack-quack! I'm a giant running woman!

You know what, Nicky, we lead very thin lives,

but we have this

and you best believe we paid our dues. Hallelujah.

Did you just sneer at my dinner?

No. I just looked at it.

So, how about we all slay the Hive Mother together

and then I'm gone?

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Oh, my God. We just saved the Ninth Kingdom.

OK. Wait for the drop. This is going to be huge!

MUSICAL FANFARE What the actual fuck?!

I should probably, erm...

Yeah. I need to, erm, boot up Destiny 2.

You're not gonna believe this. They just announced an expansion pack!

Good morrow, fair maiden. Good morrow, Meg.

Happy expansion day!

It's finally here. The next chapter. The new instalment.

It's over.

After eight long deathly months, the content drought is finally over.

Look at me spooning this delicious content into my mouth.

Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!

Content! Content! Content! Content! Content! Content!

Look at all that lovely content you're consuming!

This is just the start, Alison.

They're going to be pumping content down my throat with one of those giant metal pipes

they use to blast acorns into geese.

Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof!

God, I'm actually a bit nervous.

I could barely sleep. I woke up about 4am and went for a big sploshy wee.

Yes, I heard that. I couldn't get back to sleep!

It's like Christmas morning,

if Christmas morning were 500 hours long!

500 hours of content just being bled into my face from a giant content horn.

Sorry, what are these here that you have on?

Oh, laptop trousers.

Laptop trousers? For when we want to go portable.

Meg made them for us. Strengthened pockets for power cables

and I have added some padding here and here to insulate us from getting hot thigh.

A lot of people are saying battery heat can give you cancer of the upper thigh.

I mean, who knows? Right, well, I'm off!

Greece? Athens?

The holiday?

Oh, sorry, Alison!

Look at us, banging on.

Er, no... Greece! God, you'll bloody love that, won't ya?

What a country!

Olives, oil,

fucking...

Recessions? Mm.

Starting off in Naxos and then heading over to Athens,

the Acropolis! Oh, the Acrop... Did you hear that, Nicky?

Alison's going to see the Acropolis.

Now, that's a very old building, isn't it?

That's correct, Meg.

How big is it, the Acropolis, in hours?

I don't think I understand the question.

(500 hours.)

'Tis a wonderous day to be alive.

You should take your time to smell the flowers, young Alison,

for one day they will wither,

for now is the summertime of your youth.

Thank you for those sage words, Meg.

I'll be back in a week. Look after everything here

and, I'm joking, but please don't urinate

in any of my nice drinking glasses.

SHE SINGS INDISTINCTLY

THEY HUM LOUDLY

Kingdom Scrolls

It's fun for young and old

(BOTH) We come to fight for gold

And Experience Po-oints!

Kingdom Scrolls

Oh, lovely Kingdom Scrolls

A tale of fate foretold

And Experience Points

OK, I'm on the epilepsy warning. "Warning! Playing games may induce seizures."

I'll take regular breaks, then, shall I?

Maybe I'll open a window! THEY LAUGH

But, seriously, I'm going to try and not turn it into a grind this time. Just relax and, er, enjoy the ride.

I'm joking! I am on a straight line to the new-level cap.

I'm essentially a sentient chair until I hit level 110.

You know, they say sitting down is the new smoking.

Well, I guess that makes me the fucking Marlboro Man.

No-one speaks for the next six to eight minutes.

Behold,

Kingdom Scrolls End Days begin. SHE SHUDDERS

Look what the tide dragged in, Tanadaal Kwan.

Emperor Vintoto, we meet at last.

"You look a little green around the gills."

"My people are in need."

A plague sweeps the land.

A plague! Ooh, there's a fucking plague!

"Buckle up, guys, because we are about to meet the tenth emperor."

Holy shit!

Tanadaal Kwan, it's time to reclaim your birthright!

Sorry, who the fuck is that?

Why is there a fucking koi carp with man legs?

Look at his arms! It's got tiny fish arms!

How does he even feed himself? I don't even know how he gets his little Speedo on in the morning.

S-S-Ssh! Just shut up, OK? I'm sure it all makes sense.

"OK, I've seen enough. I'm bailing."

BEEPING OK, there's more.

They've introduced loot boxes.

"Are you serious? Loot boxes?"

They're on the menus. 12 Kingdom Crates for 9.99

Well, I guess they finally did it. They monetised me.

To be honest, I'm just surprised it took them this long.

Looks like we've got ourselves an addict!

Shouldn't you at least open a crate before you decide you're addicted to opening crates?

"Oh, a free one!"

Yep, I'm a goner.

Out comes the credit card, bang goes the driving lessons.

OK, this is happening.

There are carps with legs and buttocks.

Huh.

Fine! Great!

"Imagine this guy trying to take a crap."

He couldn't even get his pants down, let alone clean himself.

All right, Usman!

Crate number one contains... nothing of note.

Crate number two... Nothing of note. Crate number three?

Plimsolls and a bag of sand. Ah.

Crate number four contains... nothing of note.

Hello?

Is it safe... to come in?

Oh! Meg!

I was half expecting to find the wheelie bin in the living room!

You and Nicky wiping your bottoms on the tea towels!

So, how was your week? The content feast?

Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom.

No, yeah, it was, erm,

it was incredible. Yeah?

I love it, actually.

SHE CLEARS THROAT Erm...

There's fish people in it now.

Oh, right! Yeah.

It's, erm, been quite divisive amongst the community.

A bit of hate speech flying around.

Weirdly, it became a trans issue on Twitter some point around Thursday.

I can't remember why, but, erm...

Yeah, no, it's... it's brilliant.

Lock up your valuables. Crate-head incoming.

Nicky! Meg was just telling me about the new expansion pack.

Oh, yeah! No, it's cool. I've just been on the crates for seven days.

The crates? Loot boxes. Surprise mechanics!

Basically, I pay to unlock things that I don't really want.

Hm, maybe I've got a problem.

I haven't at all.

I'm actually only spending about £63 a day on crates.

And what do you get for that, your £63?

Various degrees of detritus. Tags, emotes, skins.

Snagged an ultra-rare gunmetal parasol on Tuesday.

Oh! But, er, apart from that,

just mostly bollocks.

Meg tells me there's fish people in it now.

Oh, don't! They're the worst.

They make no sense. Where have they even come from?

Because, Nicky, they were forced to evolve when they were driven out of the Grey Sea,

which is completely toxic,

much like the nature of the discourse.

So in one evolutionary cycle, an entire race of fish creatures developed man legs, did they, Meg?

Yes, Nicky, evidently they did.

What about their infrastructure? Their palace under the sea with the minarets built from coral shell?

They know what they're doing, the developers.

Sure they do. Going after the Fortnite money.

Fishmen, hats, loot boxes.

I'm just another money nerd waiting to be squeezed.

Speaking of which,

crates beckon.

Well, Meg, that all sounds great! And Greece was lovely.

Oh, er, Greece. Sure.

Also, erm,

I met someone! Jay.

He's a bit older. He's 32.

He's losing his hair a bit, but he owns his own digital PR firm.

And we went out on this old rickety boat -

It's not very good, Alison!

Oh! Oh, Meg!

What?

It's fine. I'm fine.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Now I've just wasted all of my annual leave

and...

Look at you. All the things you've done.

So much things.

Oh. I mean, it... I-It wasn't that great!

It was only Greece!

Ooh, the cradle of Western civilisation? Pfft!

And the Parthenon was so small.

Was it?

Oh, yeah! Tiny. I mean, they should call it the Half-enon

because it's half as big as y-you think it's going to be.

Anyway, the point is, Meg, is that it was really disappointing.

But then, you know, I met Jay, so you never know.

Yeah.

OK.

Thank you, Alison. SHE SIGHS

OK, yeah. I'm gonna go and give it another go.

Erm... Did you want to talk about Greece any more?

Oh... Yeah!

So we went out into the harbour,

erm, Jay got one of those local pitas. MEG SIGHS

Here we go. Let's get back in and forget the fishmen.

The environments are stunning.

It's like the lighting is more volumetric than actual lighting.

These particle effects are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

And I truly mean that.

And I'm only talking quietly because my daughters are in the room.

Oh, how are they both?

They're great. And I've made some adjustments over recent months.

I've taken stock of my life as both a father and a husband

and I'm way more present for them now.

Also, my youngest, Freya, she's almost walking.

No way?! "Yep."

Any day now she'll be taking her first steps. We're all very excited.

Well, I've done my quota for the day.

Crates - I cannot get enough of them. I mean, I can, obviously,

but equally, I have blown through my entire salary for the month.

Right. Which means no more crates for me!

Amongst other things - food, rent, travel. Bleurgh!

I'm just thinking, "Do I liquidate my ISA and convert it straight into Kingdom Crowns?"

Absolutely not. Yeah, I know. HE TUTS

Difficult one.

Right! Harbour Town, a whole new area. A new start.

Focus on the positives and let...

Oh, my fat fucking personal Christ!

They're everywhere! Guys! It's me! It's Russell!

Did you hear the good news?

You know Drake, the singer with the really neat beard?

He's gone and done a funny TikTok of him playing Kingdom Scrolls with the big fishman!

It's got a massive 11 million views!

Do the carpman

Shake your fins for me

Shake your fins for me

Shake your fins for me

Oh, Drake, what the fuck have you done?

Shake your fins for me

SHE LAUGHS Do the carpman!

God, and this is actually him playing?

Is it? LAUGHTER ON PHONE

Oh, God!

Listen to him!

Drake - he's braying!

Yeah, he is. He's honking, like an actual drake.

I mean, this is great, Meg.

It's everywhere! Your game is finally cool.

Not finally, obviously. No, I mean, it's always been cool.

Not like that other one. Age of Conan.

Oh, fuck Age of Conan! Pfft!

It's so played out! Yeah.

No, it's great. It's great, right? You know, brings the kids in.

A whole new generation of players.

So Christmas is just around the corner.

Who'd like to buy a bag of ties?

OK, Nicky, two things... One, it's March,

two, is this about the crates? HE LAUGHS

Alison, erm, I don't mean to play hardball,

but, er, the clock is ticking on the ties.

Don't think I haven't already had a little nibble on Facebook.

Lot of interest. Some very desirable ties.

I don't want to buy your ties, Nicky. I want you to get help.

The only help I need is at the bottom of a crate.

Apparently my seven-year-old nephew is into Kingdom Scrolls

and he wants me to buy him some Kingdom Crowns.

So, can one of you help me?

How... Show me how? Sorry.

How much in Kingdom Crowns?

Oh, I don't know. 15 quid?

Yeah. Yeah. No, sure, I'll sort that. I can do...

Send me his game tag and I'll, erm,

I'll take care of him. It. I'll take care of it for him.

OK.

Listen, erm, you know that guy Jay I was telling you about?

Not the one who's in prison? What?!

You told me about some guy who's in prison.

Nicky, I was telling you about the Moors Murderer Ian Brady.

Ah, yeah.

Anyway, Jay, the guy I met in Greece,

he wants me to meet some of his friends

and I'm a bit nervous about going on my own,

so I was wondering - I mean, you're probably not -

but, erm, he's having a gathering...

Oh! Oh, erm...

Oof!

Oh, this is terrible, but, erm, I don't think I can,

and I've just completely blanked on why.

OK. That's weird, because I'm the same.

These friends of Jay's, they're, er,

they haven't got jobs, have they?

Office jobs? I'm not selling them your fucking ties, Nicky.

Nicky?

How may I help? Erm, did you leave this on the photocopier?

Er...

Don't think so.

Right, just cos it's got a little map and it's pointing to your desk

and there's a drawing of you and it's saying "Everything must go."

Weird.

Having said that, is there anything here at all that piques your interest?

I've got a satsuma. Good price.

Deodorant. These little coloured paperclips make the perfect gift for a dad,

or a bureaucrat. And it's all just 89p.

Also, I do have a range of work and leisure socks.

Erm, I don't want any second-hand socks, thanks.

OK.

Nice watch. Thanks.

My parents bought it for me when I graduated.

Would you like it gift wrapped?

MYSTICAL MUSIC

Welcome, kids, Drake fans.

Welcome to our server. Help yourself to a moon fruit.

You know, even my eldest daughter's started playing Kingdom Scrolls.

It's so nice that we're finally able to do something together.

Honey, are you still back there?

Just grinding on, Daddy. That's my girl.

So, what's got two thumbs and just robbed and then killed Alison's nephew?

Nicky, you stole from him? He's a child!

He is indeed, Meg, yes. I killed her nephew to feed my crate addiction.

It's actually a pretty decent scam. Allow me to demonstrate.

I built a small facility, the Merch Stand.

Now, Russell, would you like some free Drake merch?

Er, yes! I fucking love Drake! He's Canadian.

OK, sport. That'll be 75 Kingdom Crowns, please.

Hang on, where's the merch?

Then, once he's inside, push the button and...

SCREAMING

..instant death.

Oh, I get it! No, nice one!

That... That was a really creative mugging.

That is right in my top five.

Nicky, you can't just go around killing all the children, OK? We need to welcome them.

The new generation. Grow the user base.

"I'd kill them all if I had the capacity."

Think of the cold, hard pocket money we could pry from their lovely warm little hands.

"He makes a compelling point."

I don't wanna go telling tales out of school here,

but I happen to know an eight-year-old,

not a million miles away,

who's sitting on over 40 bucks' worth of birthday money.

If only there was some way we could gather all the children together,

you know, concentrate them somehow.

Sure. Just gather them all into an area or camp.

Hm. Yeah. You mean a kind of concentrated camp?

Oh, if only there was a name for that... "OK, Meg. Not like that."

Don't try and make this into a genocide.

OK, no. I'm all for a bit of fun, but that is just blitz trolling.

Ahem! Hey, kids! Welcome to Kingdom Scrolls!

I'm Greta Longstocking, one of the Elders, for my sins!

Not to come across all, erm, Jonathan Blow,

but, er, you're playing it all wrong.

There's actually a plague, so if you'd like to all follow me to Mr Fothergill's Apothecary!

"Piss off, Grandma!" "Die in a hole, you old woman."

"Fuck off back to RuneScape, neckbeard."

"Eat dick, you million-year-old hag."

FOREBODING MUSIC

Oh, Jesus Christ! Nicky!

Yeah, no, I'm fine, thanks, Alison. ALISON SIGHS

I sold my ties, Alison. Mm.

To a man in the hallway.

And then I had a meeting at work.

I didn't have anything to wear round my neck, so I, er,

I wore a dressing gown belt.

Oh, Nicky.

£19 for all the ties in my wardrobe

equates to 24 Kingdom Crates.

This isn't a life, Alison, not really.

Grubbing around for Kingdom Crowns like a slum-dweller

and then blowing it all on an imaginary pair of flip-flops.

OK.

Well...

..let's break it down. Thanks.

Er, what is it you're trying to get?

HE SIGHS Well,

ultimately, I'd like the legendary Knife of the Windseeker.

Sure. But what is it you're really trying to get?

I guess I really want a golden harpoon.

No, forget the harpoon. What is this really about,

deep down?

What it's really about, if I'm being totally honest,

is the infinity satchel.

Oh, fuck the satchel, Nicky!

Fuck it! Who cares? It's just a bag with a strap.

No, it is. It is. It's about the harpoon.

On a psychological level, Nicky, what is this about?

Oh, psychologically?

Well, obviously, it's about feeding my compulsion loops.

So, anyway, have you got 89p?

No. Sorry, Nicky, I don't.

So I got to thinking... Oh, my God! Meg!

..maybe it's not my game any more.

Kingdom Scrolls.

Maybe it's their playground now.

Generation Fortnite.

So I was going to say,

may...

I... Sorry.

Erm, I was going to say,

maybe I will come with you to that thing

with you and, erm,

that man from Greece.

Oh, Meg!

No, yeah, I'm excited.

I feel a bit dizzy when I think about it. A little bit, erm,

I don't want to say nauseous, but you know what I mean? Yeah.

No. Yeah.

Erm, we're going on a walk out to a country pub!

Perfect.

And that'll take up, er, what, 60-slash-70 percent of my day?

Er, about that, yeah. Oh, hooray.

I'll, er, I'll lend you some wellies.

Yay.

Wellies.

Wellies for the pub walk.

Yeah.

So, erm, presumably, we'll be talking most of the way, then, will we?

Probably, yes.

They're just such beautiful trees. Mm.

I love how muddy and bright it is and how much it stinks.

Hi, everyone!

I'm Alison

and this is Meg. Hello, all.

Let's, erm...

..walk.

Let's walk and talk. OK.

Isn't it beautiful here? Yeah, it's lovely. Lovely trees everywhere.

There's so many. This one is one of my favourites.

This is a willow. DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS

So, how's... No way!

Absolutely not! Fuck this woodland bullshit!

I think your friend's running away.

Yeah. I think she is. Fuck all of it!

My God! How did it come to this, Nicky,

letting young foreign boys ride you for money?

I'm a crate fiend, Usman. I'm beyond humiliation.

Still, even crackheads don't do donkey rides.

There has to be a line. Not for me.

So go ahead, jump aboard. Only 89p a time.

No, thank you, man.

Because it's more than this little Arizonian heart of mine could bear.

I'll have a go!

Ah, this is amazing!

What else does it do? I mean, you're already riding around on me.

Does it jump? I don't know. It might break my back.

Yeah, but it's not your real back! Jump over that wall!

OK, you know what? This actually looks quite fun.

Nicky, could I buy a ride for my daughter?

Guys, I've been thinking

and it's time to take our game back.

MARCHING BAND MUSIC

Hey, kids, welcome to Drake's Live Show!

Come on in.

OK, Usman, now!

ROARING & SCREECHING

Welcome to hell, kids!

The concentrated camp!

This'll knock the fucking edges off them. Great idea, Meg.

Industrialised child slaughter equals items, equals Kingdom Crowns, equals Kingdom Crates,

equals items, and on and on and on it goes.

Like a rat in a trap. The trap being my addiction, but, er, what a trap!

Right, let's keep rounding them up.

Show these clueless newbie fucks what Kingdom Scrolls is really all about.

God, I fricking love this game!

Me, too, Usman!

Daddy, am I in the right place for the Drake show?

Uh-huh. He'll be on stage any second, sweetie.

GROWLING

SHE SCREAMS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

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