Original subtitles

Ready? Okay!

Two and two, menu. Brian, 22, immediately.

Guillermo! Guillermo! Two pigeons! Right away!

Very important table right here.

Give me two-grain.

I'll take that polenta.

- This is the one I'm waiting for. - Yes, sir.

I need that special meat now. Pastry, get ready. It's coming at you.

I'll kill your family if this isn't perfect.

Yes, sir.

I'm writing it up as...

...inventive...

...and confident.

Oh, by the way, did the chap from Newsday ever call?

I'll check my machine.

Is this a real interview...

...or just some cute guy you're setting me up with?

I don't send many anymore. You don't know what to do with them.

Hey, it's Michael. Jules, it must be months, huh?

So I can't wait to talk to you.

I'm in Chicago at the Drake Hotel.

Okay, well, call me, 4 in the morning, whenever. We gotta talk. Bye.

Who called? Man of the moment?

No, the opposite.

It's my Michael. Michael O'Neal. Sounds desperate to talk to me.

Oh, the wandering sports writer. Remind me about that one.

Sophomore year at Brown...

- ...we had this one hot month. - One hot month.

Yes. But of course, you know me.

I got restless.

So I get up the nerve to break his heart...

...and he gives me this look...

...and says, "I wanna cry because..."

...I'm losing the best friend I ever had."

And at that moment I knew I felt the same way.

So I cried for maybe the third time in my entire life...

...kissed him...

...and we've been best friends ever since.

We've seen each other through everything:

Losing jobs...

...losing parents, losing lovers.

We've travelled all over.

Best times of my life, maybe.

Drinking and talking.

- Even if it's just over the phone. - Go on. This is so moving.

- Kindred spirits? - No, he's nothing like me.

He's like you, actually, only straight.

I remember this one night in Tucson, six years ago.

He takes a razor out of this tiny little kit...

...cuts his finger, takes my hand, does the same to me.

He says, "Swear when we're 28, if we've never married..."

...we marry each other."

We never talked about it again. I don't know what made me think of that.

You're about to be 28 in three weeks, right?

How old's he?

You think?

Desperate to talk.

- No. - Cheers.

Hey, it's Michael. Jules, it must be months, huh?

I can't wait to talk to you. I'm in Chicago at the Drake Hotel.

Okay, well, call me, 4 in the morning, whenever. We gotta talk. Bye.

Good evening, the Drake Hotel.

Yes. I'm calling for Mike O'Neal. It's late, so I'd like to leave...

One moment, please.

Hello?

Hello, you've been enrolled in the Obscene Caller of the Month Club.

Hey, beautiful, it's so great to hear your voice.

I miss you. I've been calling you for over a month.

I've been on a book tour.

- I figured you're out of town. - My machine eats my messages.

Or you're averaging 30 days to return a call.

It's less when it's you.

I have to ask you something incredibly important...

...and if you turn me down, I don't know...

If I could just tell you one thing first.

This is probably going to hand you the biggest laugh of your adult life.

But I was thinking about you and I remembered this...

...unbelievably insane night we spent in Tucson...

...I don't know, a thousand years ago, and you probably won't remember...

Are you kidding? I think about that night all the time.

You do?

But it's not why I called.

It's not.

I called because I met someone.

That's great, that's great, because you haven't really...

...seen anybody, have you, since dingbat Jenny Lee?

No, you don't understand. I've never felt this way about anybody.

And she's all wrong for me.

There's a good start.

Kim's a junior at the University of Chicago. She's 20.

You'll love her. She's beautiful. Her dad's a billionaire.

Owns the White Sox and a cable empire.

You know I've always been uncomfortable around rich people.

But they're not like that.

They're such wonderful people, really. Salt of the earth.

So you've met her parents?

Yeah.

Jules, we're getting married this Sunday.

Hello?

- Michael. Michael... - Hello?

Michael.

It's Wednesday night. How can you possibly get married on Sunday?

It all starts tomorrow. It's one of these four-day weddings...

...with all the traditional events...

...and 10 million people flying in from all over the world.

But aren't you working this weekend? I mean, is that responsible?

Sox are at home. Sports is letting me do a profile on Frank Thomas...

Wait, what do you mean, irresponsible? Taking off a weekend to get married?

Jules, I'm scared.

- Maybe we should talk about this. - I need you.

You can't come and hold my hand, I'll never get through this.

Please come.

- Please. - Well...

Oh, man, I can't wait for you to meet her.

Let's have a drink. Take a later flight.

No, I'm a busy girl.

I have exactly four days to break up a wedding, steal the bride's fella...

...and I haven't one clue how to do it.

- He adored me for nine goddamn years. - I can see why.

She has known him for what, like, five seconds?

She's got billions of dollars, plus she's apparently perfect.

So don't go feeling all sorry for Miss Pre-Teen Illinois.

I can't lose him, George.

I'm gonna bring him back.

Hey, there you are!

- Over here! Jim! - Hi!

- Can you believe I'm gonna do this? - Not hardly.

This just makes everything so perfect.

Since I've met Michael, all I've heard is Julianne this and Julianne that.

I've never had a sister.

- I have a monstrous favor to ask you. - Excuse me?

My best friend shattered her pelvis dancing in Abilene over spring break.

Be my maid of honor?

What?

Can you promote a bridesmaid...

...or someone you've known at least 45 minutes?

My bridesmaids are my only two female relatives under 40.

Debutante sisters from Nashville who are basically vengeful sluts.

Oh, my exit!

So this means I have four days to make you my new best friend.

It's time for you to force yourself to get personal.

- Do you like the color? - It's beautiful.

- Isn't it perfect? - Absolutely.

This will be tighter. You don't want those things to fall out.

- No, it's beautiful. - I'm not hurting you, okay?

I don't want her to trip, so I'm going to take this up a tiny bit.

Would you rather the daffodil?

I thought the bridesmaids all wore the same dress.

Not you. You wouldn't be comfortable unless you were distinctive.

What else did he tell you?

You hate weddings. You never go.

You're not up for anything conventional...

...or anything that's assumed to be a female priority...

...including marriage, romance or even...

Love?

Michael and I were a wrong fit right from the start.

He said that too.

Well, I thought I was like you. And proud to be.

Till I met rumpled, smelly old Michael.

Then I became a sentimental schmuck like those flighty nitwits...

...I'd always pitied.

It's funny, huh?

Yeah. I need a cigarette.

George, how do you think I feel?

All she does is talk about their future...

...and she's just so bright-eyed and dreamy...

For God's sake, pull yourself together.

I don't know if I can do it.

- Hi. Hi. - Want me to turn around or something?

Yes.

Not the person I was expecting.

I've seen you a lot more naked than that.

Well, things are...

Things are different now.

Yeah. I guess so.

You look really good...

...without your clothes on.

Jules!

George...

...she's toast.

So the honeymoon is where, exactly?

Well, it depends. If San Antonio sweeps Sacramento, we could start there.

Or Phoenix. Or depending on the Indiana game...

Garden spots, all.

A swing of 40 degrees represents a packing challenge...

...but there's fine food and cocktails at a choice of Embassy Suites.

It's his career. I'm supportive.

Look, I've been everywhere.

I wanna be with the man I love. That's what makes it a honeymoon.

I'm just saying he's lucky.

It takes a rare woman to put up with his array of shit.

That guy is a one-man festival of idiosyncratic...

You've been introduced to the symphonic range...

Of his snoring? Yeah. He says it's worse than ever.

- You know that snarfle one? - Oh, yeah.

Now it's kind of got, like, this phlegm-rattling thing behind it.

Guess what? Earplugs work.

- What about...? - Cigars in bed? I broke him of that.

The bathroom's a swamp. He wears Reeboks to dinner.

He likes action movies. He reads over my shoulder.

He loves karaoke bars...

- ...and I can't carry a tune. - Really?

He sucks soup through his front teeth.

That's a trademark move.

Don't touch that one.

But he sure can kiss.

You know, it's been a while. I'm just gonna take your word on that.

After two weeks of cataloguing all of his faults...

...I made a command decision that changed my life.

I threw the list away.

He's not a balance sheet, he's Michael. Loving him means loving all of him.

You get nervous in small spaces?

It's sweet that you're protective, but nothing ever could...

...give me pause about this marriage.

- You get hysterical in small... - Except one.

You.

You'll always be in his mind. This perfect creature he loved for years.

Perfection can get wearing.

I'm serious. I had to face my competitive drives...

...and believe me, I've got them.

Am I gonna be jealous forever? Our paths will keep crossing.

- Space. Of course. - He'll always talk about you.

- It's only natural. - And the answer was so simple.

I was gonna predict that.

You win.

I've missed a step.

He's got you on a pedestal...

...and me in his arms.

My God. It's the bride and the woman she'll never live up to.

Are you okay, honey?

- Yes. - So sorry.

She say the wrong thing? That's so her!

- I'm Julianne. - We're the vengeful sluts.

You can just call us eager.

Have you sized up the groomsmen? As M of H, you get first pick.

Don't pick the short, hairy fat one. He's mine.

Kimmy's a virgin.

- Is this Michael's Julianne? - Yes.

I'm Isabelle Wallace...

...and my handsome new son scarcely did you justice, girl.

Now...

...I'm to scoot you to the ballpark so you can hang with Michael.

But first you have to meet a lot of really old women.

That is, if you've absorbed enough profanity.

One! One strike!

Which of you gents ordered a beer?

- Let me help you. - You unwittingly imply I'm clumsy.

I confused you with someone I knew.

Julianne, Hank and Eric from Sport magazine.

- Hello. - They kindly gave me a job.

- Hi there. - How do you do?

And this is Walter, my father-in-law.

Future father-in-law.

Thank you.

If he gives you any grief, you come and see me.

And this guy you know.

Papa Joe.

I told him he should make you best man but he had to go with his brother.

Best-looking guy in any room. Great to see you!

- All right. - Hey, that'll do.

Scotty. Scotty, that'll do.

Sorry.

Remember, it is the duty of the best man to dance with the maid of honor.

Dance. You can't dance.

- When did you learn to dance? - I've got moves you've never seen.

You're an impostor.

What did you do with my best friend?

I'm still your best friend.

You just haven't seen me for a while.

All I'm saying is that some people might find perfection boring...

...day after day.

See, that's what I thought. How can you like someone that perfect?

No potential for long-range likeability.

But then, she does have a few good traits.

Such as?

They got him.

When I hug her...

...even in public, I don't have to let go right away.

She lets me hold her as long as I want.

What?

Nothing.

Yeah, I forgot.

You and that yucky love stuff. You get like that when it gets sentimental.

I do not.

Okay.

Well, when we were... When you and I were...

- When we were... - Together?

Yeah?

Well, did I, when...?

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, you pulled away when I tried to hug you in public.

Well, I've changed.

I mean, I'm not the girl that I once was.

Really?

Any relationship over two weeks I should know about?

This is not about longevity, Michael.

This is about...

...being comfortable...

...with the yucky love stuff.

All right!

And I am.

- Karaoke! How'd you find this place? - The doorman told me.

And you are singing the song.

I didn't realize this was a karaoke bar.

This is so great. My two best girls.

You folks thirsty?

- Margarita. - Margarita.

- Blended, no salt. - Straight up.

- And you? - Amstel Light.

Two words for you.

Margarita.

Vespa.

- Florence. - Yeah!

- Me hanging on in the rain all night. - I love Florence.

And the guy with the thing...

"Where is my pass?"

- "No, the pier is for fishing!" - "French kissing?"

- "Fishing! Fishing!" - You know, I've always loved Florence.

You should take her there.

She's perky. She deserves a honeymoon.

- Oh, yeah, well... - Oh, yeah, well...

If San Antonio sweeps Sacramento?

What is that?

You're off the road in September, and when does fall quarter start?

I'm not coming back senior year.

Don't architects find a degree sort of...

...an asset?

I travel every week. College ball, motor sports, training camps.

The most important thing is for us to be together.

Say, Pinky, I wanna hear you sing.

- No, thank you. - Come on!

No, no, Kimmy hates to sing. She hates it.

Oh, yeah?

- All right, folks. - Michael.

My bride-to-be here is about to kick some ass on...

- What? No, it'll be fun! It'll be fun. - No, no, no.

Michael, she doesn't want to. Leave her alone. Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...please give it up for the dazzling vocal stylings of...

...Miss Kimberly Wallace.

Come on!

You suck!

Next!

Shut up!

All right.

All right! All right!

Oh, my God!

That was just terrible. Terrible!

- You won't be lonely without us? - Desperately.

Maybe we don't have to go.

Your grandma's dinner? As bride-to-be...

...she's got you on a technicality.

I'd babysit you...

...but my loyalty is to the bride in her time of need.

- It's not really a time of need. - Well, okay, if you're sure.

Sure?

I'll stay with Michael if you're sure.

Okay.

- Call me later? - Of course.

Goodbye.

Have fun!

You were pretty shocked when I told you, huh?

Shocked? No.

- A little. - Okay.

A lot.

I fell off the bed.

Well, that explains the thump.

You like her, don't you?

Yeah, I do.

- Well, that's enthusiastic. - Well, I mean, no, she's...

She's great.

"No, she's great."

I mean, seriously can't sing a note.

But...

- ...to make that kind of sacrifice... - What?

- Leaving school? - All of it.

Putting her career on hold to follow you around on this dumb job...

...where you travel 52 weeks a year to places like...

...College Station, Texas.

Dumb job?

Well, it's not a grown-up job, Michael.

My job never bothered you before.

It doesn't bother me now...

...but I'm not Kimmy.

Her father owns the Sox and cable sports.

Yeah.

I'm just surprised it hasn't come up, that's all.

What "it"? What?

Corner office with a view.

You in a nice blue suit.

Permanent Chicago address...

- ...somewhat close to Mom and Dad. - No. Never.

She would never even think of that.

You don't know her.

- But Michael loves his job. - Sure.

Bad games, bad pay, bad towns, bad flights...

...bad hotels, real bad food...

...homeless, rootless, lonely.

Your copy makes it in one issue out of four. What's not to love?

Why would he trade all that for running, say...

...a piece of the PR at a powerful complex conglomerate like your dad's?

That's just the sort of thing my father and I discussed.

I'm not surprised.

- So do you think he'd really accept? - Michael, a job like that?

It'd be the greatest thing that ever happened to him.

Present company excepted.

This is what we do.

We make your dad a co-conspirator. Michael does a favor for Walter.

Walter's reorganizing his public relations and needs...

...a brilliant guy that he's close to that he can completely trust.

Then you beg: "Michael, please do this for Daddy.

It's only six months. It would mean so much to me."

He'll see right through it.

Only if he wants to.

At the end of six months, he will be...

...happy...

...settled...

...successful.

- You look beautiful. - Thank you.

- You have a date later or something? - Never can tell.

Remember?

Okay, kid. You're up.

Well, it's really my father who needs the favor.

You see, he's reorganizing some of the divisions of the company.

Public relations is a real problem area for him.

It would only be...

...six months, maybe.

Or three or four.

And you knew about this?

Well, I think you ought to listen to her. It's her life too.

Well, you gonna tell me that Walter thought this one up?

Why don't you start by being honest one second, Kim?

I am being honest.

What, all of a sudden I'm supposed to drop out of school?

Forget my family, forget my career, forget everything I ever planned for?

Forgive me for screwing up your plans. Glad I heard this before it's too late.

- What does that mean? - What about my life?

I work in a low-paying, zero-respect job...

...which, unfortunately, I happen to love.

Michael, it sounds like a great opportunity.

Does it really?

How come you never took some sell-out establishment job?

Because that isn't you.

- It's not me either. - If that's how you feel...

Damn straight that's how I feel! Just come out and say it.

My job's not good enough. I'm not good enough.

I never said that!

Yes, you did.

Great, Kim.

Two days before our wedding you lay this on me...

...and I'm supposed to just roll over and drool.

No.

I'm an insensitive, sexist asshole. You're better off without me.

No, Michael, no!

You're so...

...so right.

It was so wrong.

We settled this and I reneged. That just wasn't fair.

You must forgive me and forget this ever happened or I'll just die.

Please.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- George... - And Werner...

Are not in.

Brevity is the order of the day.

George! Answer this, damn it!

I'm in a meltdown here! She double-crossed me!

The little twerp groveled.

She's so wrong for him.

Michael and I are the same person:

Self-absorbed and vaguely loveable.

We deserve each other.

I'm running out of time and sneaky ideas.

I have come to the end of my rapidly fraying rope.

George, you have got to think of something!

- Coffee, anyone? - Yes.

- Black. That would be wonderful. - Decaf.

The plane! The plane!

- Good morning, Tattoo. - Good morning, boss.

- Oh, isn't it a glorious morning? - I've seen better.

George!

This is very Marcel Marceau.

Now, relax. Relax. We don't want your face coming off with it.

What a hideous room.

God! Death by minibar. How glamorous, huh?

You flew all the way here. You hate to fly.

I must return tonight for a thing with Werner's family in the Hamptons.

You're butting in.

What I mean when I say she's annoyingly perfect...

...is there's nothing annoying about her perfection.

It is vulnerable and endearing.

And that is annoying as shit.

You like her.

If I didn't have to hate her, I'd adore her.

This is my whole life's happiness.

I have to be ruthless.

He was in love with me for nine years. I can make him happier than she can.

I am breaking her heart in the short run but really doing her a favor.

She would be so miserable tagging along after this insensitive doofus.

Jules.

Do you really love him...

...or is this just about winning? Seriously.

In the beginning, it was mostly...

...this prior claim. He belonged to me.

But now, when I'm with him...

He's just so wonderful.

How come I never knew that when I could've had him?

It's amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.

George, believe me...

...if he was feeling what I'm feeling, then he would know how it feels.

It's horrible.

What?

Just tell him you love him.

Julianne. Tell him...

Tell him you've loved him for nine years...

...but you were afraid of love.

Tell him you were afraid of love, afraid of needing.

- Needing what? - To belong to someone.

We all are, sweetheart.

I'm sorry about that.

Tell him...

...this is the worst, cruelest, dumbest moment to do this to him...

...but there it is. He's gotta choose.

Tell him the actual truth?

Maybe not the actual truth.

Highlights.

George.

- Arms at your sides, please. - Okay.

- Good morning. - Michael, I have to talk to you.

You don't like the suit.

Actually, no. But that's not it.

One thing first, though. Excuse me.

Guard this with your life.

What is it?

The ring.

- Why are you giving it to me? - I don't trust Scotty with it.

- I don't think I... - Please.

Please, you're practically the best man anyway.

Here, open it.

She'll like it, won't she?

Yes.

- So, what did you wanna talk about? - What?

You wanted to talk to me about something?

Yes. Michael...

...we've known each other a long time, right? What, 20 years?

- Not that long, but a long time. - Yeah.

And in that time...

...we've grown...

...close.

Very close. Do you know what I mean by close?

- I think so. - Okay, good. So do I.

So...

...sometimes whe...

Could you excuse us?

Sometimes...

...people think...

...they know how they feel about each other...

...but they don't...

...until...

Until they do.

I have a point.

The question is, can I get to it?

Whatever it is you have to say can't be that big a deal.

Oh, Michael. You know...

..."big deal" is...

...a relative term.

Who's that guy?

It's George. George. I've told you about George. He's my editor.

What's he doing here? You working this weekend?

No.

He's here to be with me.

Why?

Because he's my friend. He's my good friend.

My best friend these days and...

You've been busy.

So...

...all of this has been about George?

I'm speechless.

- Well, that's Jules. - Yeah.

- Congratulations! - Congratulations!

What?

I told him, puppy. If we're engaged, we really shouldn't be ashamed of it.

He's racing back to New York. He came in for a few hours to...

...to...

...fuck me.

Takes a few hours.

God.

- Give me your ring. Give it to me! - No.

George, when you ask a girl to marry you, you have to give a ring.

How can you do this to me?

I came all this way to help. You're insane!

Please, for one day find me irresistible.

Stop it!

Is something wrong?

I guess it's just the way you've always talked about George.

It always seemed...

Seemed like...

It sounded like George was...

- Gay? - Actually, yes.

Common misconception.

It is, because...

...George likes to pretend that he's gay.

And why would you do that?

Oh, I find it attracts women.

Indeed, yes.

Worked for me.

Bigtime.

Right.

Oh, my God. Race you to the altar.

- Underplay. - Got it.

Hey! I'm Jules' fiancé, George.

Just in town for a quick pre-conjugal visit. If you catch my drift?

I do.

- You're gonna humiliate me, right? - Only if I can.

- Just one thing. Stay away from... - What?!

George! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I don't know why I'm so carried away!

It's so... It's so... I don't...

Against God's plan?

Oh, no. It's just wonderful!

It's wonderful!

- Mom! - Mom!

Mom!

- What? - You have to meet George.

- George. - You must be Kimmy's little sister.

Julianne's fiancé. They're gonna be married.

- No. - Yes.

What's going on?

- She's getting married. - Why didn't you tell us?

- There hadn't been time. - I wanted to.

I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but Jules said:

"Pumpkin, no."

This is Kimmy's day. Let's not take the attention away from Kimmy.

"Dear, sweet, adorable, chocolate-covered Kimmy."

Those were her very words.

I think I'm gonna cry.

Me too.

This is so sweet of you to come to our rehearsal.

I insist you stay on to lunch.

- No! Absolutely... - Love to.

Love the bag, love the shoes, love everything, love to.

- Thank you. - Darling, what about your flight?

Cancelled.

I can tell you this now...

...but I was very worried about you.

About me?

All those stories Michael told me were hilarious...

...but all those broken relationships, all those men.

It must've hurt dating so much and not finding the right one.

She couldn't sit down for seven years until she met teensy-weensy little me.

All the while, the man of your dreams is right in front of you.

She's talking about me.

- George? - Yes, darling.

- How did you and Julianne meet? - George is my editor.

But, poopy, we met a long time before that.

Actually, it's a very romantic story.

Would you like to tell it, sweet pea?

- No, it's private. - Not anymore.

I first met Julianne...

...in a mental institution.

Julianne was visiting some French chef...

...she'd sent insane with a bad review. I was there visiting Dionne Warwick.

Dionne Warwick?

Well, yes, he thought he was Dionne Warwick.

Who is Dionne Warwick?

- Sacrilege, darling. - She's Whitney Houston's aunt.

She's very good on the Psychic Friends.

Isn't she?

So there I was with Dionne, whose real name is Jerry...

...having one hell of a sing-song.

Then suddenly...

...breezing through the doors from the electric shock therapy room...

...I saw her.

A vision...

...in pink.

Pink.

You don't wear pink.

She does, Michael. Sometimes she does wear pink.

- George. - You do.

I do.

I said to Dionne:

"Dionne, who is this vision?"

Surely she must be the understudy to some fabulous Broadway star.

Look at her skin. Who does her hair?" In that moment, I knew.

- We don't all need to know what... - Yes, we do!

I'm very curious.

They do.

I knew...

...that someday we'd end up like this.

Like some...

...glittering...

...Doris Day-Rock Hudson extravaganza.

I said to Dionne:

"Dionne, I'm in love."

Could this siren love me?

"Are the gods that kind?"

And Dionne turned to me...

...opened her lovely eyes and said...

What'd she say?

All right.

All right, now!

- Well, heartbreak for you, actually. - You've made your point.

Get on the plane.

I'll call at the turn of the century when I've forgiven you.

Jules.

- It would've never worked out. - Because it was dishonest.

Different temperaments.

Look...

...tell him you love him.

Bite the bullet.

George.

What will he do?

He'll choose Kim.

You'll stand beside her at the wedding...

...kiss him goodbye...

...and go home.

That's what you came here to do.

So do it.

George isn't my fiancé, Michael.

It's been over for ages, but he can't accept it.

I'd...

...built you up so much I couldn't let him lose face in front of you.

He could never stack up to the one man I measure everyone against.

I don't know, this is strange.

I gotta tell you when you...

When you told me that you were marrying George...

...I got this really strange...

You were jealous?

Crazy jealous.

I'm sorry.

Can we, maybe, spend some time alone this afternoon?

Would that be all right?

This is built in the art deco style of the 1920s.

In the centre the building is set back for light to come down to the city.

I've been thinking a lot the last couple of days. About us, I mean.

Have you?

There are a lot of memories to choose from.

It's more than that.

I mean...

...it's kind of embarrassing to say it this way...

...but you've sort of been, you know...

...the woman in my life.

You've been the man in mine.

And I was thinking this could be our last time...

...alone together, you know?

Except for that hot affair we'll have twice a year.

Except for that.

I mean...

...you commit to this wedding...

...and then...

...it seems like this momentum...

...and then you forget you chose it.

You and I didn't...

I mean, in our relationships with other people...

...we didn't use the word "love" a lot, did we?

Kimmy says if you love someone...

...you say it.

You say it right then, out loud.

Otherwise...

...the moment just...

- Passes you by. - Passes you by.

We don't even have a song.

Kimmy and I...

...we don't have a song.

You think that's a bad sign?

Is your dance card filled?

I'd have to check. I keep it on PowerBook these days.

Is that right?

Yeah, if you go with a 6-percent dividend.

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.

- Hi. - Hi.

Michael's not coming?

I said I'd drop you at the stag. He's so busy.

- Sort of unofficial best man. - Yes, of course.

Well, Kim said when Michael turned the job down that there was no friction.

Friction? No.

Good.

I haven't caused a problem, have I?

No, you haven't! Well, nobody has.

Listen, you're just a little bit early.

I need to make some calls.

- Is it possible to use your office? - Of course.

- At the end of the hall on the left. - Thank you.

Take your time.

E-mail.

New letter.

To Eric Isaacson.

Senior Editor...

...Sport Magazine.

From...

...Walter Wallace.

You can do this. It's easy. Just do it fast, get it over with.

It's like it never happened.

"Eric..."

...I need a favor.

My daughter's...

...every happiness...

...is in your hands.

I have offered Mike O'Neal...

...my new son-in-law...

...a great opportunity in my company.

To his own detriment...

...Michael will not accept...

...our offer...

...while he works for you.

My daughter joins me in this plea...

...for your cooperation.

With gratitude...

"...Walter."

Why would I send this? He'd get fired.

No.

Save for later.

It's not like I'm sending it. I'm just saving it for a few hours...

...till we come back here...

...and Michael can see it.

Perfectly harmless.

- They were all there. - What about Bill's reaction?

I don't think he was happy with his 10-percent cut.

Send out this, this, not this, this.

- That's it. - Okay.

Also, I'm holding four or five e-mails I wrote over lunch. Send those out.

Yes, sir.

- Bye. - Bye.

All set?

I can't believe this! Did you try every key?

No big deal. She gave us the wrong keys.

No, no, there's got to be a janitor, or a guard...

...or a cleaning woman or, you know, some kind of...

Somebody has to be in this building! I need a brick. I just need a brick.

What's the big deal about getting this file tonight?

I have a deadline.

Me too, I'm getting married tomorrow.

That's my point!

Everybody's gonna be so busy with more important things.

It's really my last chance.

If I could get up to Walter's office, they're by the computer.

I could just e-mail those figures out.

Tomorrow's Sunday.

Nobody's doing business.

Monday morning, crack of dawn, Walter will walk you up there.

Give it up, kid.

Can't win them all.

Good night.

Jules.

- This thing mean that much to you? - Yes.

Come on.

We'll use the phone in your room. Walter's probably not even asleep.

Thank you!

We'll get the right key and we'll go back down to the office.

If I fall asleep on the altar tomorrow...

-...you better be there... - I'll be there!

These are all from Eric.

This fax is from Eric too.

You'd think my boss would leave me alone.

Maybe it's a congratulations.

What is it?

"I can't believe I'm doing this to you on the night before your wedding...

...but I think you need and deserve to know what you're marrying into."

"I received the following e-mail this afternoon:

'Eric, I need a favor. My daughter's every... "'

- Hello? - Isabelle, I need to talk to Kim.

- Is anything wrong? - No.

I'm just tired. Please put her on. Thanks.

Jules...

Could you give me a minute?

Please?

Excuse me, miss. Are you locked out?

No. No, no.

Just stepped out. It's a no-smoking room.

Well, it's a non-smoking floor too.

Maybe you could go down to the lobby.

Why don't you have me arrested?

I mean it.

I am a dangerous criminal person.

I do bad things to honest people.

Make a citizen's arrest. I wouldn't struggle.

It'd be like getting Al Capone on tax evasion.

Can I help you, miss?

Do you smoke, Richard?

Yes, I do, but...

- It's a non-smoking floor. - Yep.

But you know what?

You know...

...my grandmother always said:

"This too shall pass."

Thanks, Richard.

I want you to quit this shit.

It'll kill you.

What happened?

It's over.

She denied it. She said I was crazy and paranoid.

A bad combination.

There's a big...

...brunch tomorrow morning at her parents' house.

She said, "How can I call it off? How can I...?"

"What am I supposed to tell everyone?"

- Michael. - No, it's for the best. It really is.

She was right.

I am crazy...

...to fall for someone I hardly knew.

I'm so glad you're here.

Hey, you still got that ring?

I tried it on and it won't come off.

Why don't we take a walk or have some food sent up or something?

I just wanna be alone.

- Is that okay? - Sure.

Maybe... Maybe...

Maybe I'll go back to New York and hang with you.

Eric will understand. Or we could...

...go somewhere if you want.

If San Antonio sweeps Sacramento...

I've never been to Texas.

You what?!

- Can I try that? - Yeah, sure.

- Excuse me. - Good luck.

Is this how you call off the wedding?

I came to confront everyone. I'm not slinking away like a coward.

Besides, she hasn't told anyone. I don't know what to do.

There is a wedding at 6:00.

Have you changed your mind?

Do you want to marry Kimmy?

I made a decision.

It's over.

I'll go tell them.

First...

...do you think she's all right?

Maybe you could go check on her for me.

These are the most beautiful flowers I've ever seen.

How is he?

He's sort of wondering...

...why you haven't told your parents that the wedding's off.

I don't know.

I'm still hoping for a miracle, I suppose.

How could he think my father and I would do such a thing?

I only minored in psych, you understand...

...but maybe Michael...

...couldn't commit to this marriage, so he created a delusion.

Produced an unconscious, psychosomatic manifestation of...

I'm better with food.

Okay.

You are Michael.

You're in a fancy French restaurant.

You order...

...crème brûlée for dessert.

It's beautiful.

It's sweet.

It's irritatingly perfect.

Suddenly, Michael realizes...

...he doesn't want crème brûlée.

He wants something else.

What does he want?

Jell-O.

Jell-O?

- Why does he want Jell-O? - Because he's comfortable with Jell-O.

Jell-O makes him comfortable.

I realize compared to crème brûlée it's Jell-O...

...but maybe that's what he needs.

- I could be Jell-O. - No.

Crème brûlée can never be Jell-O.

You could never be Jell-O.

- I have to be Jell-O. - You're never gonna be Jell-O.

Tell your parents. If you're waiting for that "Do you take this man" part...

- ...it's considered poor form. - I love him.

Whatever delusions I drove Michael to, there's truth at the heart of it.

You see, I want him to work for my father.

I want to stay in school. And I want a life of my own.

Please, tell him that it's my fault and that I love him.

You're the only person that I trust.

- I'll be right back. - Thank you.

How is she?

Hey, knock it off!

Yes, sir.

- I asked... - She admits that it's her fault.

Totally, completely, inexcusably her fault.

Think she still loves me?

Love...

It's a strong word, and I don't know that I'm necessarily qualified...

I wouldn't be totally off base if I said that in her way...

-...she does possess strong feelings... - Jules!

Sure she does, Michael.

She's crazy about you.

Tell her I'll marry her at 6:00...

...if she'll still have me.

Please.

I'll be right...

Right back.

What did he say?

He said:

"Marry me."

- Thank God you were here. - Yeah.

I got so confused.

It happens.

Got a minute?

What's up?

I have to say this quick or I'll just have a massive coronary...

...and then you'll never hear it and you have to.

This is, by far, the dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life.

So dumb, in fact...

...that I can't...

- Oh, but I'm gonna. - What's wrong?

Michael.

I love you.

I've loved you for nine years. I've been too arrogant and scared...

...to realize it. Well, now I'm just scared so...

I realize this comes at a very inopportune time...

...but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you.

Choose me. Marry me.

Let me make you happy.

That sounds like three favors, doesn't it? But...

Kim!

- Kim! - Michael!

Kim!

- Michael! - Kim!

Michael!

Kim!

- They look lovely together. - Aren't they?

Kim!

Michael!

That's our maid of honor.

She's from New York.

- Kim! Kim! - Michael!

Kim!

Michael. Michael, wait! Michael, wait!

Please! You'll never catch her!

Doesn't anybody leave their car unlocked?

Nobody trusts anybody anymore?

A Good Samaritan.

Hey, come back here!

"Shy tendrils of russet pleasure..."

...began their unbidden journey.

She moaned.

"The tonnage of years of anguish, sacrifice..."

- Yes? - It is not going well!

This is what comes of telling the truth, or even part of it!

- Getting what you deserve isn't fair! - Where are you?

I have stolen a bread van, and I'm chasing Michael down Michigan Avenue.

George, this is your fault! I told him that I loved him and I kissed him.

- And this is what's happened. - Jules, a question.

When you kissed Michael, did he kiss you back?

What do you mean? We were lip to lip!

Was there anything in the kiss...

...to lead you to believe this chase will end happily?

- Beside the point. We were interrupted. - By whom?

Kimmy! And Michael started chasing her before he could answer me.

- Michael's chasing Kimmy? - Yes.

- You're chasing Michael? - Yes.

Who's chasing you? Nobody. Get it? There's your answer: Kimmy.

- No! - Yes! Jules, you are not the one!

Now, for God's sake, the wedding is at 6 p.m.

You have a small but distinct window of opportunity to do the right thing.

George!

Where you going?

All aboard!

Michael!

I have a confession to make.

Another confession.

Besides that I love you, this is even worse.

The e-mail that Walter sent to your boss...

...I wrote that.

I'm the bad guy.

Are you crazy?

Jules, are you completely insane? I mean...

I mean, Jules, how could you do that?!

Michael. It wasn't supposed to get sent. I just...

I just wanted you to get mad at Kimmy.

I've done nothing but underhanded, despicable...

...not even terribly imaginative things since I got here.

I was...

Michael, I was just trying...

...to win you.

To win you back.

But that doesn't excuse any of it.

I'm pond scum.

Well, lower, actually. I'm like...

...the fungus that feeds on pond scum.

Lower.

The pus...

...that infects the mucus...

...that cruds up the fungus...

...that feeds on the pond scum.

On the other hand...

...thank you...

...for loving me that much.

That way...

...it's pretty flattering.

Except it makes me fungus.

Well...

...that part I knew.

God.

I'm glad you didn't get on that train.

Well, I came here looking for her.

Why would she be here?

This is where I proposed.

I had to cover a game in Milwaukee, and she saw me off.

The train was starting to leave...

...and I jumped up on the step, and I held the handle.

And without...

...a thought in my head, I just shouted, "Marry me!"

And the train was pulling out, and she just suddenly screamed:

"Yes!"

Just once.

And blew me a kiss.

It would've been a nice wedding.

Michael, you can't believe you've lost her.

You will find her and you'll look into her eyes and see all that love.

I just hope it's soon. Or else I'd hate to be you at 6:00.

Just wait. Wait.

We'll split up.

You will go to every romantic place the two of you have, and I will go...

...I don't know, someplace brilliant, and we'll find her.

We will find her.

- Wallace residence, Mandy speaking. - Has Kimmy called you guys?

She slipped out, the monkey, during the commotion.

- Commotion? - Well...

My sister was licking an ice sculpture and her tongue froze right to it.

- And that's a commotion? - It's a sculpture of David.

So Kimmy would be...?

She's probably with Michael doing the nasty.

Either that or crying down at Comiskey Park.

Excuse me?

I got a crank call from a guy saying he saw her there.

- Right. - What would a bride be doing...?

Right. Listen, can you bring my dress?

I gotta pick something up before the ceremony.

Okay, don't forget to shave now.

Here's the hair dryer.

All right. There we go.

It's gonna be okay. No pictures. Please, no pictures.

Excuse me.

- Kimmy? - Kimmy.

- Kimmy? - Kimmy.

Kimmy, I know you're in here. The guard saw you.

Just leave me alone, you bitch!

Kimmy.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Cat fight!

You came here pretending to be my friend...

...and I made you my maid of honor!

Who asked you to do that? You knew me, what, eight minutes?

Michael trusted you, so I trusted you.

You wanted to keep me close. You didn't trust me for a second.

- I was right. - Well, of course you were right.

- But that's not my fault. - You kissed him!

- At my parents' house! - That's cold!

On my wedding day!

- Bitch! - Tramp.

Shut up!

Now I love this man.

There's no way I'm gonna give him up to some two-faced, big-haired...

...food critic.

Okay, all right! All right!

I kissed him.

I...

...tried to steal him.

I lost.

He doesn't love me.

He loves you.

Kimmy.

I haven't done much that I'm proud of the last three days.

I'd like to take you to the church...

...so you can walk down that aisle...

...and marry the man of our dreams.

Because he sure wants to marry you.

So raise our glasses...

...and wish Mike and Kim every happiness...

...for a long and happy life together...

...filled with...

...happiness.

Well, I guess that's it.

To the bride and groom.

- Hear, hear. - Hear, hear.

Now let's hear from the maid of honor, the lovely Julianne.

I had the strangest dream.

I dreamt that some psychopath was trying to break the two of you up.

Luckily...

...I woke up and I see...

...that the world is just as it should be.

For my best friend...

...has won the best woman.

I didn't get you a gift.

However...

...this is on loan...

...until you two find your song.

- It's mine! - I don't think so, honey!

I got it!

Bye.

Hello, George.

Hey, gorgeous, having a good time?

Not particularly, but I did what I came to do.

What? You split them up?

No, I said goodbye.

Good girl. I'm proud of you.

Be prouder still if you were dancing.

I have big plans for dancing.

Just give me 30, 35 years.

The misery, the exquisite tragedy.

The Susan Hayward of it all.

I can just picture you sitting alone in your lavender gown.

- I told you my gown was lavender? - Hair swept up.

Haven't touched your cake.

Probably drumming your fingernails on the white linen tablecloth.

The way you do when you feel down.

Perhaps even thinking:

"God, I should've stopped all my evil plotting to have that manicure.

- "But it's too late now." - George.

I didn't tell you my dress was lavender.

Suddenly, a familiar song.

And you're off your chair in one exquisite movement...

...wondering, searching...

...sniffing the wind like a dappled deer.

Has God heard your little prayer?

Will Cinderella dance again?

And then suddenly...

...the crowds part...

...and there he is.

Sleek...

...stylish...

...radiant with charisma.

Bizarrely...

...he's on the telephone.

But then...

...so are you.

And he comes toward you...

...the moves of a jungle cat.

And although you quite correctly sense that he is...

...gay...

...like most devastatingly handsome single men of his age are...

...you think:

"What the hell?"

Life goes on.

Maybe there won't be marriage.

Maybe there won't be sex.

But, by God...

"...there'll be dancing."

"Bond. Jane Bond."