Original subtitles

**

**

(cheering)

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.

WELCOME. WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS."

I'M DEMETRI MARTIN.

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS...

OOH, VERY IMPORTANT. THAT'S A BIG THING.

A LOT OF WAYS TO COME AT THIS. LET'S SEE.

I COULD "CROSS FINISH LINE,"

"CROSS FINNISH LINE"... (laughter)

LIKE INTO FINLAND,

THAT WOULD BE...

THE BORDER.

OR "JOKES."

I DO LIKE TO TRAVEL, BUT I ALSO LIKE WINNING.

(laughter)

"JOKES." (imitates gunshot)

(electronic tones play) I WAS IN A PANERA BREAD,

AND THEY HAD A SIGN THAT SAID "FORM A LINE HERE."

BUT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON THERE,

SO I HAD TO LIE DOWN ON THE GROUND.

(laughter)

(applause)

"ALL RIGHT. DONE. CAN I GET A SANDWICH NOW?

HERE WE GO." (chuckles)

THEY SHOULD MAKE COLD MEDICINE THAT YOU SNORT.

(laughter)

IT JUST COMES WITH, LIKE, A MIRROR AND A STRAW,

AND BE LIKE, "I'M SICK, BUT I'M PARTYING.

CHECK THIS OUT." (laughter)

DAMN, WHEN YOU GOT A COLD, YOU'RE LIKE A ROCK STAR.

(laughter)

THE SHORTEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO POINTS IS A LINE.

THE SHORTEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO IDIOTS

IS A CONGA LINE. (laughter)

(laughter) YEAH.

I WONDER WHAT THE THINNEST SCARF IS THAT YOU COULD WEAR.

PROBABLY JUST ONE PIECE OF YARN,

AND YOU JUST HANG IT DOWN. (laughter)

JUST A TINY SKINNY SCARF. JUST ONE LINE, YOU KNOW?

FOR WHEN IT'S LIKE JUST BARELY,

SLIGHTLY, A LITTLE BIT CHILLY OUT.

"I FEEL, LIKE, THE SLIGHTEST CHILL IN THE AIR.

"HOLD ON, LET ME GET MY SCARF. THERE WE GO.

LET'S GO." (laughter)

(chuckles)

THERE'S A FINE LINE

BETWEEN GIVING SOMEONE THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER

AND DRY-HUMPING A STRANGER.

(laughter)

"ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU OKAY?

"HEY. OOH.

SOMEBODY'S FEISTY IN THIS RESTAURANT."

(laughter)

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO IF YOU WANT TO GET AWAY

WITH DRY-HUMPING SOMEBODY YOU DON'T KNOW. (laughs)

JUST ACT LIKE THEY'RE CHOKING.

"WHOA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" (laughter)

"YEAH, I'M FINE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE." (laughter)

(whoosh)

**

(Demetri imitates gunshot)

(dramatic music playing)

(whip cracks)

"DR. LAO HAS STOLEN THE SACRED SCULL OF LHASA."

LOOKS LIKE I'M GOING TO TIBET.

(dramatic music playing)

SHIGATSE HOTEL.

(dramatic music playing)

(speaking foreign language)

(speaking foreign language)

(dramatic music playing)

(elevator bell dings)

(elevator bell dings)

I'VE GOT TO GET SOME FOOD.

(dramatic music playing)

(dramatic music playing)

I'M TOO TIRED.

(dramatic music playing)

(speaking foreign language)

DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

GREAT.

DO YOU DELIVER?

(knock on door)

(dramatic music playing)

(speaking foreign language)

(dramatic music playing)

MMM.

(dramatic music playing) (laughter)

(stomach gurgles)

(dramatic music plays, music stops)

(dramatic music plays) (retches)

(dramatic music plays)

(toilet flushes)

(dramatic music playing)

I'M OKAY.

(dramatic music playing)

UH-OH. (door closes)

(cheering)

YOU KNOW, LINES ARE REALLY IMPORTANT.

SOMETIMES, JUST ADDING ONE OR TWO LINES TO SOMETHING

CAN COMPLETELY CHANGE ITS MEANING.

LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.

HOW ABOUT THIS? YOU GOT TWO FRIENDS.

IF YOU ADD A LINE,

IT BECOMES A BEFORE-AND-AFTER PHOTO.

(laughter)

THIS GUY LOST SOME WEIGHT.

IF YOU ADD ANOTHER LINE,

IT'S JUST TWO GUYS AT CHRISTIAN CAMP. (laughter)

IF YOU ADD A COUPLE MORE LINES...

IT'S TWO GUYS STANDING BEHIND A GIANT WITH A FLAT ASS. (laughter)

(applause)

WHAT ABOUT THREE PEOPLE

JUST HANGING OUT?

IF YOU ADD ONE LINE,

IT TURNS INTO A FAMILY OF ACROBATS.

(laughter)

OR IF YOU ADD TWO LINES,

IT'S TWO PEOPLE WATCHING THEIR FRIEND GET ABDUCTED BY A U.F.O.

(laughter)

(applause)

IF YOU ADD ANOTHER, IT'S A FAMILY OF ACROBATS

WATCHING SOMEONE GET ABDUCTED BY A U.F.O. (laughter)

OKAY.

YOU CAN TAKE A LINE AND JUST TURN AN ANIMAL

INTO PEOPLE.

THAT'S A HORSE.

THAT'S TWO PEOPLE DRESSED AS A HORSE.

(laughter)

TAKE A SNAIL.

ADD A LINE. (laughter)

NOW IT'S A LOLLIPOP

WITH A DISGUSTING WORM COMING OUT OF IT. (laughter)

ADD ANOTHER LINE.

NOW IT'S A SUICIDAL SNAIL.

(laughter)

YOU CAN GET REALLY DRAMATIC WITH JUST A FEW LINES.

ALL RIGHT, YOU START WITH JUST A GUY THROWING A BALL.

ADD A LINE.

NOW HE'S REACHING FOR A DOORKNOB.

THIS COULD BE, LIKE, A CRITICAL SITUATION.

(laughter)

ADD ANOTHER LINE.

NOW YOU--YOU HAVE A GUY DROWNING AT SUNSET.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

IF YOU ADD A COUPLE MORE LINES...

YOU HAVE GOD REACHING DOWN

TO HELP THE GUY DROWNING AT SUNSET. (laughter)

(applause)

(whoosh)

**

**

(whoosh)

(intercom beeps)

HEY, DONALD, IT'S KEVIN, TOM AND JACOB ON THE LINE.

HEY, DON. HEY.

(Don) Hey, guys, how's life in the Big Apple?

UM, CRAZY.

GREAT.

Sounds awesome. UH, SO DID YOU, UH, GET A CHANCE TO, UH, SEE

THE WEB SITE DESIGN WE SENT YOU? Yeah. Yeah.

I know we've been going back and forth on this for a while,

but to be honest, I actually think we might have been

a bit closer on the last pass. (mouthing words)

(Kevin) THE LAST PASS?

Yeah, I mean, this one was still in the ballpark... (mouthing words)

Um, we weren't totally sure about those things

on the top that are, like, moving back and forth.

What is--what is--what's that thing called again... (mouthing words)

that...

THE, UH, FLASH ANIMATION?

Yeah. Uh, that stuff.

I-I mean, I think the operative word on our end here

is kind of "functionality,"

you know, something a little more traditional... (quietly imitating monkey chattering)

That's what we're looking for. TRADITIONAL IN WHAT WAY?

I don't know--I mean, I don't know the web site... (grunting)

or internet terms that you guys really use.

But I don't--I-I mean, just not so much. (imitating passing gas)

Uh, does that make sense? OH, YEAH, WELL, SURE.

I-I think we're on the same page.

I mean, basically, our target audience,

you know, doesn't really understand

you know, a lot of complex things. (mouthing words)

So we just want that reflected in our web site.

You know, we want to base this on, like... (mouthing words)

You know, we want to base this on, like... (mouthing words) core American values. YEAH.

core American values. YEAH.

So I mean, maybe we could try another pass

and strip out some of those elements, and, you know,

I'll have a look at it, and, you know, show it to my people,

and we can, you know, take it from there.

OR YOU CAN GO (bleep) YOURSELF.

(laughter)

Excuse me?

(mouthing words)

UH, SORRY, DON. THAT WAS MY COMPUTER.

(mouthing words) Your computer told me to go (bleep) myself?

NO, UM...

(clears throat) YEAH, IT WAS A--

IT WAS A-A VIDEO. RIGHT. I WAS WATCHING A VIDEO.

IT WAS A VIRAL VIDEO, AND A-A LINK IN AN E-MAIL.

(mouthing words) RIGHT, MY FRIEND SENT IT TO ME

AND I PRESSED THE SPACE BAR.

Oh, sorry. I thought it was one of you guys that said that.

(all laughing)

NO, WHY WOULD WE SAY THAT TO YOU, DON? NO. NO, NO, NO.

YEAH, IT WASN'T ME. Well, those viral videos are crazy.

(mouthing words) My son showed me this one--

this guy was camping and then this bear came

and took his shoe off. (mouthing words)

(Kevin) OH, WOW, THAT'S WILD. Yeah, it was crazy! I couldn't believe it.

What happened in the one you guys were watching?

UM, THE... THERE WERE--THERE WERE THESE TWO OLD LADIES...

(chuckles) YEAH. AND, UH, THEY WERE JUST KIND OF OUT RUNNING

AND THEY KIND OF STARTED TO GET IN A FIGHT.

IT WAS REALLY FUNNY. YEAH, IT WAS AN OLD LADY FIGHT,

AND THEY'RE, UH, THEY'RE REALLY GOING AT IT. OH, MAN.

THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER. RIGHT, AND THEN, UM, THIS KID CAME BY ON A SKATEBOARD,

AND... HE HAD A STICK, AND HE STARTED, LIKE TRYING TO HIT,

LIKE, ONE OF THE LADIES WITH THE STICK. Oh, yeah?

YEAH, SO THEY'RE-- THEY'RE REALLY MAD,

AND, UH, THEY'RE MAD AT THE KID. AND THERE WAS A RACCOON, TOO.

(mouthing words) RIGHT, THE, UH, RACCOON, UH, RAN OFF WITH THE STICK,

AND THEN THE OLD LADIES WERE YELLING AT IT.

(Don laughing)

(laughs) That's too funny!

YEAH, IT'S GREAT. YOU SHOULD SEE IT.

Yeah, I want to.

That's--that one's right up my son's alley. (mouthing words)

Will you send that to me? (mouthing words)

UM, WE CAN'T, BECAUSE I ERASED IT.

RIGHT AFTER, UH, IT--IT PLAYED, I PUT IT IN THE TRASH.

But you just played it. Just e-mail me the link.

WE'LL CHECK IT OUT. NO, I--WE CAN GET IT TO HIM.

(mouthing words) Great. Oh, guys,

I have a really important call coming in... (mouthing words)

so I actually have to get off the line,

but let's reconnect tomorrow, okay?

And, guys, please send me that video. OKAY, DON, WE'LL-- WE'LL GET ON IT.

Thanks so much, guys. BYE.

(intercom beeps)

ALL RIGHT,

WHO'S GOT A CAMERA?

IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE I'M BEATING UP ON YOU. OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, BOTH OF YOU

LET'S JUST DO IT AGAIN. LET'S JUST DO IT AGAIN. ARE TELLING ME TO DO THINGS AT THE SAME TIME.

WE'RE GONNA DO IT AGAIN. WE'RE GONNA DO IT.

LET'S GET IT STRAIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING.

I WAS HERE FIRST, SO YOU GO--AAH! AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

OR YOU COULD JUST GO (bleep) YOURSELF. (laughter)

(groaning) (groaning)

* YEAH, YEAH

**

(drum playing)

**

(Demetri) SOMETIMES, YOU WANT TO WORK OUT,

BUT YOU'RE NOT MOTIVATED ENOUGH.

YOU GIVE UP TOO SOON. (coughs)

YOU GET TIRED, AND THEN YOU HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD WORKOUT.

THAT SUCKS.

UNTIL NOW--

THE "'IMPORTANT THINGS' THINGS" MOVING FINISH LINE.

(starting gun fires) IT'S A FINISH LINE THAT'S ATTACHED TO YOUR BODY

SO THAT WHEN YOU RUN,

YOU'RE ALWAYS ALMOST CROSSING THE FINISH LINE,

CLOSER AND CLOSER, YET YOU NEVER GET THERE.

THEN WHEN YOU WANT TO ACTUALLY FINISH, PRESS A BUTTON... (alarm beeps)

(explosions)

THE APPARATUS FLIES OFF OF YOU... (beep, whoosh)

AND THE FINISH LINE PLANTS ITSELF INTO THE GROUND. (thud)

(tape rips) YES! YOU'RE A WINNER EVERY TIME.

THE PERSONAL FINISH LINE, ONLY FROM...

YOU SHOULD BUY ONE.

**

(whistle blows)

(whistle blows)

(cheers and applause)

THROUGHOUT HISTORY,

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SAID SOME MEMORABLE LINES.

AND WHAT MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW

IS THAT A LOT OF THESE FAMOUS QUOTES

DON'T TELL THE WHOLE STORY.

LET ME SHOW YOU. "I THINK THEREFORE I AM."--DESCARTES.

OH, THAT'S ONE OF THE BEST ONES--

REALLY, REALLY WISE PHILOSOPHER.

WHAT HE ACTUALLY SAID WAS...

(laughter)

EVEN MORE DOUBT.

ALL RIGHT, "SPEAK SOFTY AND CARRY A BIG STICK"--

THEODORE ROOSEVELT.

OH, HE'S ONE OF THE BEST PRESIDENTS.

THE WHOLE LINE WAS...

(laughs) "SPEAK SOFTY AND CARRY A BIG STICK," BECAUSE...

VERY HANDY--HE WAS A HANDY PRESIDENT, AS WELL.

OKAY, NEXT...

A LITTLE BIT LONGER ORIGINALLY.

IT WAS, "BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD,

"BUT DON'T EXPECT TO GET CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR

FROM A KOREAN DELI." (laughter)

HE'S A WISE MAN--GANDHI.

(laughs)

WINSTON CHURCHILL-- A GREAT LEADER.

THE WHOLE LINE WAS, "I'VE COLLECTED THEM ALL IN THIS JAR."

(laughter)

(laughs) "SO NOW WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

(laughs) (laughter)

GREAT LEADER, NOT A GREAT LOVER.

BUT, YOU KNOW, HIS HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE,

AND, YOU KNOW, YOU GOT TO GIVE HIM THAT...

ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES.

I WAS SURPRISED WHEN I SAW THE FULL QUOTE...

(laughter)

A LITTLE MORE COMPLICATED.

I THINK HE HAD O.C.D. OR SOMETHING.

IT WAS KIND OF LIKE, "SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY,

SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY, SIM..."

FINALLY...

A QUOTE, A LINE, AN EQUATION--

I MEAN, THIS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST IDEAS

IN MODERN HISTORY-- ALBERT EINSTEIN.

UH, THIS IS ACTUALLY PART OF A LONGER IDEA...

(laughter)

(applause) (chuckles) YEAH.

**

(Demetri imitates gunshot) (whoosh)

**

(woman's voice) DEAR DIARY,

I REALLY CAN'T STAND BEING THIS GUY DEMETRI'S NOTEBOOK.

TODAY, HE TAKES ME TO A PARTY AND TRIES TO TELL A JOKE.

SO I SAY, "LUCKY? TELL THAT TO THE 3-FOOTED RABBIT."

NO ONE LAUGHS, OF COURSE, 'CAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT.

SEE YOU, MAN. SO HE GETS UP AND LEAVES,

BUT LOOK WHAT HE LEAVES BEHIND--ME--

ON THE TABLE, OPEN, RIGHT NEXT TO THESE TWO GIRLS.

HE FORGOT HIS NOTEBOOK.

AND GUESS WHICH PAGE HE ACCIDENTALLY LEAVES ME OPEN ON?

OH, MY GOD. IT'S A POEM IN FRENCH ABOUT 9/11.

OH, MY GOD. OUI, OUI, MADAME,

THAT HE STOLE OFF THE INTERNET.

THE BEST POEM THIS GUY'S EVER WRITTEN

WAS WHEN HE FARTED ONCE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE GIRLS ARE IMPRESSED BY THIS CRAP.

OH. OH. AND LOOK WHO'S BACK.

MY NOTEBOOK. YEAH, IT'S...

OH, YOU CAN'T FIND YOUR NOTEBOOK. HMM...

I WONDER WHERE IT IS. OH, YES, IT'S RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT.

OH, DANG, I LEFT IT OPEN.

YEAH, IT'S JUST STUFF I DO, YEAH, IN MY SPARE TIME. REALLY? WOW.

UM... THAT'S REALLY IMPRESSIVE.

HIS PATHETIC PLAN IS ACTUALLY WORKING.

THESE GIRLS THINK HE'S AN ARTIST?

AND THOSE ARE YOUR, LIKE, DRAWINGS, AS WELL? ROUGH SKETCHES. I USUALLY DO OILS.

OH. OILS? MAYBE THE GREASE ON YOUR FOREHEAD.

UGH!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M AN ACCESSORY

TO THIS DISGUSTING PLAN.

WHAT A HORRIBLE DAY.

I'M SO EMBARRASSED TO BE HIS NOTEBOOK.

(whoosh)

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

* NA NA YEAH

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

**

(imitates explosion)

EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT PICKUP LINES,

BUT WHAT ABOUT LINES YOU USE

WHEN YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH SOMEONE?

THAT'S WHAT WE REALLY NEED-- BREAK-UP LINES.

HERE ARE SOME BREAK-UP LINES.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

HOW ABOUT MISERY AFTER THREE YEARS?

(laughter)

LET'S BREAK UP.

**

THAT SHIRT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WOULD LOOK GOOD ON YOU?

MY FRIEND DAVE.

(laughter)

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO OUT WITH HIM.

**

IS IT HOT IN HERE?

OR ARE YOU JUST SUFFOCATING ME IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?

(laughter)

(applause)

**

WHEN I'M WITH YOU, I FEEL 3 POUNDS LIGHTER.

PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU BORE THE (bleep) OUT OF ME.

(audience groans) OH!

AND I HAD A BIG LUNCH.

(laughter)

**

HEY, BABY,

ARE YOU BEING FOLLOWED?

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SEEING PEOPLE BEHIND YOUR BACK.

(laughter)

**

I DIDN'T KNOW ANGELS FLEW THIS CLOSE TO THE GROUND.

MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE THIS ANGEL'S

GAINED A LITTLE WEIGHT SINCE WE STARTED GOING OUT.

(laughter)

* LET'S BREAK UP

HEY, I WAS JUST WONDERING...

ARE YOU DOING PUSH-UPS WITH YOUR KNEES DOWN?

BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE IF THIS IS WORKING OUT.

(laughter)

* LET'S BREAK UP

DO YOU HAVE ANY GREEK IN YOU?

THAT WAS JUST A TACTFUL WAY OF ASKING IF YOU'RE PREGNANT.

(audience) OH!

IF NOT, THEN...

* LET'S BREAK UP

(laughter)

HEY, IS THERE A NEW CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED MOVIE

CALLED "OTHER PEOPLE"?

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE...

(laughter)

RIGHT NOW.

(laughter)

ARE YOUR FEET TIRED?

BECAUSE...

YOU'VE BEEN STOMPING ON MY DREAMS FOR A FEW MONTHS NOW.

(laughter)

* LET'S BREAK UP

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.

ALL I'M SAYING IS I DON'T KNOW

IF THE RACCOON LOOKS REAL OR NOT. (Kevin) WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT CAME UP WITH THE RACCOON!

(Tom) WE SHOULD HAVE GOT A-A REAL RACCOON THEN, RIGHT?

THEN WHY DIDN'T WE HIRE--GET A REAL RACCOON

WITH AN ANIMAL TRAINER TO COME AND SHOOT THIS (bleep) VIDEO?

(Tom) YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME. THAT CAN'T--

I CAN'T GET THE SHOT AND BE IN IT. (Kevin) THAT ISN'T HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO.

(Tom) YES. THAT'S WHY I TOLD HIM TO BRING A TRIPOD.

NO, I-- THAT DOESN'T MATTER. (Jacob) I DON'T HAVE A TRIPOD!

LET'S JUST DO IT! I'M WEARING A DRESS! (Kevin) GO. JUST DO IT. WE SHOULD JUST DO IT.

LET'S JUST SHOOT IT AGAIN, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, PLACES.