Original subtitles

To me, the thing about birthday parties

is that the first and last party you have

are actually quite similar.

You know, you just kind of sit there.

You're the least excited person at the party.

You don't even really realize that there is a party.

You don't know what's going on.

Both birthday parties,

people have to help you blow out the candles.

You can't do it.

You don't even know why you're doing it.

What is this ritual? What is going on?

It's also the only two birthday parties

where other people have to gather

your friends together for you.

your friends together for you.

Sometimes they're not even your friends.

They make the judgment.

They bring them in, sit 'em down, and they tell you:

"These are your friends.

"Tell them thank you for coming

to my birthday party."

WOMAN: These are great! Just great!

Really great!

Really, really great!

Don't you think so, Elaine?

Yeah.

Really great.

Oh, a coffee table book about coffee tables.

How did you come up with this idea?

It was there.

Oh, look at this one.

It's saying, "I'm a coffee table.

"Put some coffee on me.

Oh, the hotter the better. That's what I'm here for."

Ah, you know, actually, I've got some work I've gotta do.

How about if the book came with these little foldout legs

How about if the book came with these little foldout legs

so the book itself becomes a coffee table.

Oh, that is a great idea!

Really, really great!

ELAINE: "Ohh!

"and that coffee table is saying,

put some coffee on me!"

I'd like to put some coffee on her.

Hot, scalding coffee right in her face.

I swear! This is like working with a contestant

from The Price Is Right.

[FAKE LAUGHING]

Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine...

listen, tell me if you think this is funny.

listen, tell me if you think this is funny.

"Men definitely hit the remote more than women.

"Men don't care what's on TV.

"Men only care what else is on TV.

"Women wanna see what the show is

"before they change the channel

because men hunt and women nest."

Yeah, it's funny.

I don't know.

You don't know? Come on. That's gold!

Well, I don't know about gold.

Oh, that's gold, baby.

Baby? What? Are you doing George now?

Hey, I was saying "baby" way before George.

Well, I don't know. Don't ask me any more questions about jokes.

Well, I don't know. Don't ask me any more questions about jokes.

Jerry, it just puts too much pressure on me.

This guy Leonard Christian's gonna be there tomorrow.

Yeah? Who's he?

A writer from Entertainment Weekly.

I would like to have a good show.

Danke schoön, my little dumplings.

Hi.

Hey, how 'bout that Toby, huh?

Yeah, how about her?

Ooh, she's a package full of energy.

Yeah, she's a package full of something.

And that something is life.

You gotta meet this gal. She's brimming with positivity.

Oh, please.

Hey, are you performing tomorrow?

Hey, are you performing tomorrow?

Yeah. Great.

I'm gonna bring Toby.

You better laugh. I'm being reviewed by Leonard Christian.

She's a great laugher. Right, Elaine?

Oh, yeah. She's a great laugher, Jerry.

"Ha-ha! Really, really great!"

Well, you wanna sit with George?

He's coming with Robin.

The waitress from the comedy club? Yeah.

What about her kid? Is she bringing him too?

She's got a kid?

Yeah. You should see George

get along with this kid.

GEORGE: Ow! What are you doing under there?

Hey, hey, stop that.

Hey, hey, stop that.

Don't eat that. That's not food!

He's sucking down Equal packets.

Do you think 25 kids is too much?

Twenty-five kids for his birthday party?

Don't put your tongue on the floor!

He's putting his tongue on the floor.

Here, here.

Have some more sugar packets.

So what about entertainment?

Should I get Barney?

BOY: No Barney!

Maybe a clown.

How about Bozo?

BOY: Who's Bozo?

Who's Bozo?

Bozo the Clown. That's who Bozo is.

When I was a kid, Bozo the Clown was the clown.

When I was a kid, Bozo the Clown was the clown.

George...

With the orange hair, the ruffled clown shirt.

George...

A TV show. Cartoons.

George!

Forget Bozo, George.

Bozo's out.

He's finished.

It's over for Bozo.

When I was a kid, we didn't have these elaborate parties

with catered food and entertainment.

I remember my seventh birthday party.

Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles!

I said blow out the damn candles!

Stop it, Frank! You're killing him!

Blow out the candles!

Blow out the candles!

Well, this time, you can blow out the candles.

No. I have asthma.

Ow! Ben! Ben!

Hi.

Hi, Toby.

How are you doing today?

Fine.

How are you?

Oh, I'm great.

Just great.

Really great.

Oh, hey, did you hear about Bob Rosen?

Oh, hey, did you hear about Bob Rosen?

No.

He's going to Knopf. He is going to be a vice president.

Knopf? Really?

Boy...

that means there's an opening here for...

senior editor.

Has Lippman, uh, hired anyone?

No. I hear he wants to promote someone in-house.

Really?

Maybe it'll be you.

Oh, well...

You really deserve it.

Oh, well...

I mean, you have experience, seniority.

Lippman really respects your opinion.

Lippman really respects your opinion.

Well...

Well, it could be you.

No.

No, really.

Really? You think so?

Sure.

Boy, wouldn't that be exciting?

I mean, stranger things have happened.

Wow! Me, a senior editor!

I'd like that.

You shouldn't get your hopes up.

Oh, well...

It's a possibility.

Like you said, stranger things have happened.

Thank you, Elaine. Thank you.

JERRY: Hey, Ronnie.

Hey.

Can I have a club soda?

Going on tonight?

Yeah. You? Yeah.

You know, Leonard Christian's here.

Yeah, I know.

Can I ask you something?

Are my nostrils getting bigger?

I don't think so.

Are you sure? Take a good look.

They seem a little bigger?

I don't... I don't know.

Is it possible for nostrils to expand?

Oh, is this a bit?

Hey, I don't do bits.

Hey, I don't do bits.

I'm a prop comic.

Damn it. I can't find my water gun.

I can't go on without my water gun.

Hey, Jerry.

Hey!

Well, here's Toby. Jerry.

This is so exciting.

Look.

I have goose bumps.

Touch.

TOBY: Touch them.

Ahh! Ha-ha!

Oh, hey.

I've never been to a comedy club before.

Really?

You know a lot of restaurants are serving brewed decaf too.

[LAUGHING]

You are so funny!

You'll have a good time, I swear.

He swears, like he thinks I don't believe him.

I believe you. I believe you.

Oh, he's so funny.

What about me?

What about you?

I'm only kidding.

You're funny too.

I love to laugh.

Good. Good.

So you up next?

Yeah. You guys get a table.

So you have good seats.

We don't want some jerk in front of us.

It'll be, like, "Hey, big-head, move outta the way.

I didn't pay a cover charge to stare at your bald spot."

All right, have a good show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, we'll make sure it's a great show.

Okay, good. I'll see ya later.

Yeah.

Oh, he's so great! This is so great!

I'm so excited!

Men definitely hit the remote button

more than women.

Oh, really! That is so true!

Yes, I... Yeah.

See, men don't care what's on TV.

Men only care what else is on TV.

Oh, yes, yes!

TOBY: Right on! Right on!

See, women, uh...

Women really wanna see what the show is

Women really wanna see what the show is

before they change the channel.

TOBY: Oh! That is so true!

Yes! Yes!

JERRY: That's why...

men hunt and women nest.

Boo! Boo! Sssss!

TOBY: Boo!

Uh, yeah, anyway, Yeah, all right.

So, uh, anyway...

What was I talking about?

Hey.

Wh-what's the deal? What was going on there?

I invite you down here.

I invite you down here.

I have an important show, and she heckles me?

Look, she didn't mean anything.

What's the matter with her? Is she crazy?

She's just being enthusiastic, that's all.

Hey, what is wrong with you?

Me?

Nothing's wrong with me.

You boo me! You hiss!

You didn't stop blathering throughout the whole set.

Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro.

That's part of the show.

No! Not part of the show.

Booing and hissing are not part of the show.

You boo puppets. You hiss villains in silent movies.

Well, that's the way I express myself.

Well, that's the way I express myself.

How will you make it if you can't take it?

Oh, I can take it.

Let's go.

Hey, man, good set.

Bozo?

No.

B-O-Z-O.

Sorry. I...

You've never heard of Bozo the Clown?

No!

How could you not know who Bozo the Clown is?

I don't know. I just don't.

How can you call yourself a clown

How can you call yourself a clown

and not know who Bozo is?

Hey, man, what are you hassling me for?

This is just a gig. It's not my life.

I don't know who Bozo is? What, is he a clown?

What, are you kidding me?

Well, what is he?

Yes, he's a clown!

What's the big deal? There's millions of clowns.

All right. Just forget it.

Me? You should forget it.

You're living in the past, man.

You're hung up on some clown from the '60s, man!

All right.

Very good. Very good.

All right. Go fold your little balloon animals, Eric.

All right. Go fold your little balloon animals, Eric.

"Eric."

Ha-ha. What kind of name is that for a clown, huh?

Excuse me.

You must be George.

I'm Robin's mother.

Ohh.

You seem like such a lovely young man.

Well, I do what I can.

Hi, Ma. How's everything?

Oh, this is just a wonderful party.

The burgers should be ready in a minute.

Oh, great. Great.

[SNIFFING]

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

Smoke?

Smoke...

Everybody...

I think I smell some smoke back here.

Fire!

[EVERYONE SCREAMING]

It was an inferno in there! An inferno!

MAN: There he is! That's him!

WOMAN: That's the coward that left us to die!

[YELLING]

I was trying to lead the way.

We needed a leader.

Someone to lead the way to safety.

But you yelled, "Get out of my way."

Because...

Because...

as the leader,

if I die,

then...

all hope is lost!

Who would lead?

The clowns?

Huh?

Huh?

Instead of castigating me,

you should all be thanking me.

What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in where--

Where heroes are cast as villains,

brave men as cowards?

But I saw you push the women and children

out of the way in a mad panic.

I saw you knock them down!

And when you ran out, you left everyone behind!

Seemingly.

Seemingly.

To the untrained eye,

I can fully understand

how you got that impression.

What looked like pushing,

What looked like pushing,

what looked like knocking down,

was a safety precaution.

In a fire,

you stay close to the ground.

Am I right?

Well...

And when I ran out that door,

I was not leaving anyone behind!

Quite the contrary.

I risked my life,

making sure that exit was clear.

Any other questions?

How do you live with yourself?

It's not easy.

So, she doesn't wanna see me anymore.

Did you knock her over, too,

or just the kids?

No. Her too.

And her mother.

Really? Her mother?

Yeah.

I may have stepped on her arm too.

You probably couldn't see because of the smoke.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it was somebody's arm.

Mmm.

So you feel...

"women and children first" in this day and age

is somewhat of an antiquated notion.

To some degree, yeah.

So basically,

it's every man, woman, child and invalid

for themselves.

In a manner of speaking.

Yeah.

Well, it's honest.

She should be commending me

for treating everyone like equals.

Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center,

she'll see things differently.

she'll see things differently.

Perhaps.

So, what was the fire, just some greasy hamburgers?

Yeah.

Eric, the clown, put it out with his big shoe.

By the way, did you see this?

No, what's that?

The Leonard Christian article about my show.

Plus my gig in Miami got canceled.

I betcha it's because of the article.

Wow.

He really does a number on you.

He really does a number on you.

"Seinfeld froze like a deer in the headlights

in the face of incessant heckling."

I should've let her have it. I held back because of Kramer.

You know what you ought to do?

You should go to her office and heckle her.

Yeah, right.

Like all the comedians say,

"What if I came to your work and heckled you?"

Yeah, that'd be something.

I'm not kidding. You should do it.

But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's revenge?

I've always had a fantasy about doing that.

Well, go ahead. Do it.

Why can't I?

No reason.

No reason.

You know what? I think I'll do that.

She came down to where I work.

I'll go down to where she works.

This is unprecedented.

There's no precedent, baby.

What, you're using my "babies" now?

Hey, nice shoes.

What, do you wear sandals to work?

It's always nice to walk in a room and get the aroma of feet.

That's real conducive to the work atmosphere.

I'm sure your coworkers appreciate it.

Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office.

Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office.

Great idea. We can check on her bunions.

You know, I have work to do here. I'm very busy.

Oh, is this disruptive?

You find it hard to work with someone interrupting?

Well, how'd you like it if I called security?

Security!

I don't know how you'll make it in this business

if you can't take it.

Oh!

You gotta be tough.

Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!

You know--

Hiss! Boo!

All right. That's it.

Get out of my way!

What's going on? What's happening here?

What's going on? What's happening here?

Toby!

Sss! Boo!

TOBY: My pinkie toe!

KRAMER: Toby!

Oh!

Oh!

KRAMER: What did you go up there to heckle her for?

Because she came down to the club and heckled me.

I gave her a taste of her own medicine.

Oh, yeah! You gave her a taste of medicine, all right.

Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.

What accident?

After he heckled Toby, she got so upset,

she ran out of the building,

and a street sweeper ran over her foot

and a street sweeper ran over her foot

and severed her pinkie toe.

That's unbelievable!

Yeah. Then after the ambulance left,

I found the toe.

So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice

and took off for the hospital.

You ran?

No. I jumped on the bus.

I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy. Step on it."

Holy cow!

Yeah, yeah.

Then, all of a sudden,

this guy pulls out a gun.

Well, I knew any delay's gonna cost her her pinkie toe,

So I got out of the seat and started walking towards him.

So I got out of the seat and started walking towards him.

He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?"

And I says, "Well, I got a prize for you, buddy"

Plah! Plah! Keeyah!

Knocked him out cold.

How could you do that?

Yeah, then everybody is screaming

because the driver, he's passed out

because of all the commotion.

The bus is out of control!

So I grab him by the collar. I take him out of the seat.

I get behind the wheel. Now I'm driving the bus.

You're Batman.

You're Batman.

Yeah. Yeah. I am Batman.

Then the mugger, he comes to,

and he starts choking me,

So I'm fighting him off with one hand,

and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know?

Then I managed to open up the door,

and I kicked him out the door with my foot

at the next stop.

You kept making all the stops?

Well, people kept ringing the bell!

Well, what about the toe?

Well, what about the toe?

What happened to the toe?

Well, I am happy to say

the little guy's back in place at the end of the line.

You did all this for a pinkie toe?

Well, it's a valuable appendage.

So Kramer found the toe,

and they reattached it.

Really?

Yeah. Poor kid. What an ordeal.

Right. And you know how extremely sensitive she is.

Right. And you know how extremely sensitive she is.

She's gonna need our full support.

Yeah, right.

Look who's here!

Toby. Hey, it's Toby.

WOMAN: How are you? How are you feeling?

Oh, I'll be okay.

WOMAN: Are you sure?

I think so.

Toby, what can I do? Can I get you something?

Oh, no. No, thank you.

Toby, please let us help. We're family.

Oh, well, I could use a cup of coffee.

JERRY: She got the promotion?

Yep.

Why?

I'll tell you why.

Because of her pinkie toe. That's why.

Because of her pinkie toe. That's why.

Because Lippman felt so sorry for her,

he didn't wanna hurt her feelings.

Too bad.

Sure, the pinkie toe is cute,

but I mean, what is it?

It's useless. It does nothing.

It's got that little nail that's just impossible to cut.

What do we need it for?

Because that's the one

that goes "wee wee wee" all the way home.

You just shut the--

Hey, Elaine. Did you hear the good news?

Toby got promoted.

Yes, I heard, Kramer.

I work there, remember?

I work there, remember?

Yeah, and you know what she told me?

She said her first order of business

is to put my coffee table book into the bookstores

as soon as possible.

Oh, wonderful!

You know, throughout this whole thing, she always kept smiling.

Of course. She's deranged.

I went down to the magazine.

I pleaded with him to come see me again.

He's coming tonight and writing another article.

I heard you went down to somebody's office

and heckled them?

Damn right. We've been lap dogs long enough.

How could you do that? Everybody's talking about it.

How could you do that? Everybody's talking about it.

It's about time one of us drew a line in the sand.

Jerry,

you're like Rosa Parks.

You opened the door for all of us.

I can't wait till the next time somebody heckles me.

Yeah, well, it won't be long.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld!

Robin? Robin!

George, what is it? I'm working.

Robin, listen to me.

The most amazing thing has happened.

Kramer has opened my eyes.

Kramer has opened my eyes.

I think I've changed.

What are you talking about? Okay.

I mean, Bozo the Clown.

I mean, does he really need "the Clown" in his title

as clown. Bozo the Clown?

Are we gonna confuse him with Bozo the district attorney?

Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo.

You'll see. Things will be different now

if you'll just give me one more chance.

L-listen, I-I gotta think about this.

L-listen, I-I gotta think about this.

All right, but I'm serious about this.

All right. Hand it over, man!

That's why men hunt and women nest.

GEORGE: He's got a gun!

He's got a gun! Get out of the way!

[SCREAMING]

George!

This is Ronnie Kaye!

The prop comic?

Oh, hi. I--

Oh, hi. I--

I didn't recognize you.

What, did you... You get a haircut?

Nostrils.

George,

could I have a word?

[♪]

I was in a hotel the other day,

and they have that fire map on the back of the door.

I'm flattered they think I have it together enough

to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing directions.

"Hey, I'll go left by the stair,

right by the candy machine."

I'd probably get lost, have to go back to the room,

check the map again.

And they always tell you, no matter what you do,

in a hotel fire, do not panic.

Hey, I've got four minutes to live.

I've never panicked in my whole life.

It's my option.

Even if they find you, you have a perfect excuse.

Even if they find you, you have a perfect excuse.

"Gee, I heard they saved you swinging from the shower curtain

naked with the ice bucket on your head. What happened?"

"Well, I panicked."

"That's understandable."