Original subtitles

I bought the Ginsu knife.

I did buy the Ginsu knife.

I know, you can't believe it, but I did, I swear. I saw it.

It was late at night, I'm watching the thing,

and it started making sense to me.

I'm thinking,

"Yeah, cut through the shoe, cut through the can.

Yeah. Yeah, I want that."

So I called up the number on the screen, you know,

and I said, "I'd like to order the Ginsu knife,"

and the lady went, "Really?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I mean, even the Ginsu people have given up.

I mean, even the Ginsu people have given up.

It's really so sad, you know?

I guess, to be honest,

I mean, if you need a knife that can cut through a shoe,

perhaps you're not buying the highest grade of meat

currently available, you know?

Maybe you ought to think about not getting the hoof cut

once in a while.

JERRY'S VOICE: What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty?

Do dreams require liquid?

It's not like I'm running a marathon.

I'm just lying there.

What the hell? Why is the door open?

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Oh, hey.

Kramer, what're you doing here?

Okay, Jerry, now, calm down.

It's okay.

Oh, God. I'm sorry. God.

I didn't wanna wake you up.

You know, I was watching

Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo,

and I... you know, I--

and I... you know, I--

I wanted to get some popcorn,

so I used the spare keys that you gave me

to come into your apartment to get your popper.

You scared me!

It's just me.

That's enough!

Yeah, okay.

Forgot the popper.

It's not broken.

[DOORKNOB JIGGLES]

JERRY: Come on...

Ah.

Kramer!

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? What?

Get out of my-- the bathroom! I've gotta go!

All right, all right.

Whoa.

Come on!

All right.

My drain-- Move it, move it.

Yeah, well, my drain's all clogged up.

JERRY: Was that my towel?

Here.

I'm really happy the movie was sold-out.

I'm really happy the movie was sold-out.

Hey, did you ever pretend

there's, like, murderers chasing you,

and you're trying to see how fast

you can get your keys out

and get into your apartment?

I'm from Wichita, so... Oh, oh.

There he is. Come on. Hurry, Jerry, he's coming.

They're coming, the murderers. Hurry, hurry. He's coming.

Hurry, hurry.

[GIGGLING] Oh, Jerry...

[BOTH SIGH] Oh, boy.

Whew. That was close.

Did you see the look on that guy's face?

You were... so fast with those keys.

Well...

Well...

Oh, me.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Beautiful.

Kramer! Whoa, hey.

What the hell are you doing here?

Hey, Jerry. How are you?

Yeah, I thought you were going to the movies.

All right, that's it. Hand them over.

What? You know what.

The keys, I want the keys.

You've lost your key privileges.

Oh, come on. No "come on."

What? I thought you went to the movies.

It was sold-out.

How was I supposed to know it was sold-out?

That's the point. What point?

Just-- Look, just give me the keys.

Just give me another chance.

Don't ask me. I'm asking you.

I'm telling you.

Oh, you're joking. I'm serious.

Oh, you're joking. I'm serious.

It's not gonna happen again. Yes, it will.

Now, give me those keys. No, no.

Let go. You let go.

Come on, Jerry, now, stop it. Stop it now.

Kramer!

Oh, great!

Okay, all right, fine, you go ahead.

Take the keys, boy,

but you're gonna regret this.

All right, yeah!

[DOOR SLAMS]

[DOOR OPENS]

Goochie.

So put them in a safe place.

ELAINE: I will.

Where?

I don't know. I'll hide them.

I don't know. I'll hide them.

So is Kramer upset?

I think so. I mean, he's acting really weird lately.

He's different.

Maybe you should give him the keys back.

No, I can't.

[SOFT KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[WHISPERING] Is that Kramer?

Who's there?

Uh, Kramer.

Hey.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Oh, you got the k-k-k-key.

Oh, I...

N-- No, I am not--

No, no, no, no, no, it's okay, it's okay.

I don't care about the keys.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

You know, I gave the keys away with my stupidity.

I broke... the covenant of the keys.

Jerry, give him the keys back. Elaine.

Here. No, no, I don't want them.

What're you doing? I'm giving him the keys.

Those are my keys. Oh.

No, let go! Elaine.

Wait, wait, okay, now, come on.

Jerry, no! Come on, give me those keys back.

Now, stop it, stop it! I don't want the keys back.

No, I-- I'm glad the way that things turned out.

I was clinging to those keys, man,

like a branch on the banks of a raging river,

and now I have let go,

and I'm free...

and I'm free...

to go with the current...

to float...

and I thank you.

Take the keys. Take them. No, no.

I want you to have them. No, I don't want them.

No, I can't. Take them!

I don't want-- No!

Take them! No!

Okay.

Oh, now, one more thing.

I would like my keys back.

Your spare set?

Yeah, that's right.

You want them back?

Yeah, yeah, I think it would be for the best.

[JINGLING]

Four, five, six...

Gee, Kramer, I, uh...

I don't know what to say.

Say yes.

Yes, George, yes.

Yes? Yes.

Should I give you my keys?

Is, uh--? Is that the transaction,

trading keys?

Because Elaine has my keys.

Well, you can get them back.

Well, you can get them back.

I suppose I could.

Because you see, George,

having the keys to Jerry's apartment,

that kept me

in a fantasy world.

Every time I went over to his house,

it was like I was on vacation--

better food, better view, better TV...

cleaner, oh-ho, much cleaner.

That became my reality.

I ignored the squalor in my own life,

because I'm looking at life, you see,

through Jerry's eyes.

I was living in twilight, George,

I was living in twilight, George,

living in the shadows, living in the darkness...

like you.

Me?

Oh, yeah.

I can barely see you, George.

All right, stop it, Kramer. You're freaking me out.

Hi. Are you ready to order?

Yeah, what's the--? No, no, not yet, not yet.

E-excuse me. Get out.

Oh.

Do you ever yearn?

Do you ever yearn?

Yearn? Do I yearn?

I yearn.

You yearn? Oh, yes.

Yes, I yearn.

Often, I...

I sit and yearn.

Have you yearned?

Well, not recently.

I craved.

I crave all the time, constant craving,

but I haven't yearned.

Look at you.

Look at you.

Oh, Kramer, don't start.

No, no.

No, you're wasting your life.

I am not.

What you call "wasting," I call "living."

I'm living my life.

Yeah, okay, like what? No, tell me.

Do you have a job?

No.

You got money?

No.

Do you have a woman?

No.

Do you have any prospects?

No.

You got anything on the horizon?

Uh...

Uh...

no.

Do you have any action at all?

No.

Do you have any conceivable reason

for even getting up in the morning?

I like to get the Daily News.

George, it's time for us to grow up

and be men,

not little boys. Why?

I'm going to California. You know, I've got the bug.

Yeah, I think I've got a touch of something too.

No, the acting bug,

ever since I was in that Woody Allen movie.

"These pretzels are making me thirsty"?

"These pretzels are making me thirsty"?

That was one line. You got fired.

I know, I know, but, man, I never felt so alive.

Now, you coming with me?

Uh, no, I'm not.

All right, suit yourself.

But let's keep this between us.

We're key brothers now.

You're not really gonna go

to California, are you?

Up here, I'm already gone.

Anyway, so he gave me his spare keys,

and now he wants to have my keys,

so I need mine back from you.

Just because you have his keys?

Why does he need yours?

I don't know.

He said he wants to be my key brother.

That's ridiculous.

That's Kramer.

I'll give you back your spare keys,

but now I want mine back.

What for?

Because I'll give them to Jerry.

Jerry? Why?

Because he gave me his.

So what?

So if he has my keys, I should have his.

I don't see why if you have his, he should have yours.

I don't see why if you have his, he should have yours.

I just said the same thing to you.

What?

What?

All right, listen, I'll give you my keys,

but I don't have them with me.

Can I please have mine to give back to Kramer?

Yeah, okay, I'll go get them.

What-- What are you doing? Would you just put that down?

I've got to get some new friends.

Did you bring the keys?

Yes, but I still don't feel right

about letting you into Kramer's apartment

without his permission.

This could be an emergency.

You shouldn't have taken away his keys.

You shouldn't have taken away his keys.

I tried to give them back. He wouldn't take them.

How'd the Mets do?

They lost.

Kramer!

Open it up.

Kramer?

Hello, boys.

Oh!

Hello, Newman.

Are you looking for someone?

Don't play coy with me, Newman. I'm not in the mood.

Coy?

I'm not being coy.

Is he being coy? Yeah, coy.

You're being coy.

Now, where's Kramer, Newman?

Who?

Listen, Tiny...

Listen, Tiny...

I want to know where Kramer is, and I want to know now!

Go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld.

I've got witnesses.

Turn around, George.

Sure. George?

Will you tell me where Kramer is,

or do we do this the hard way? Help! Help!

Where's Kramer?

Help!

What's going on?

They're going to beat me up.

No, we're not.

We're trying to find out

what happened to Kramer.

You want to know what happened to Kramer?

I'll tell you what happened to Kramer.

He was ticked off about the keys.

Yeah, that's right, about the keys.

He thought he got a bad rap.

Bad rap?

Yeah, from you. Me?

Yeah, from you. Me?

You heard me.

So he packed a grip,

and he split for the coast--

La-la land-- L.A.

L.A.?

[PUNK ROCK BLASTING ON RADIO]

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

[ENGINE SPUTTERS]

[ENGINE STALLS]

[ENGINE DIES]

I never should've taken his keys away,

but he drove me to it.

I had no choice.

He wouldn't take them back.

Elaine, you saw it.

Remember?

I said, "Take the keys back."

He wouldn't do anything.

You saw it. Didn't you see it?

Yeah, yeah, I saw it.

I mean, it's complete bullsh-- but I saw it.

Huh?

What?

No, what'd you say?

Nothing.

I-- I didn't say anything.

I-- I didn't say anything.

Oh, you didn't see it?

Yeah, I saw it, I saw it.

I saw-- I saw it. Yeah.

I heard you say something there.

I didn't say anything.

I'm calling Kramer's mother.

I don't know what you said. It was something.

I heard something.

Hello? Hello, Mrs. Kramer?

[LOUD OPERA PLAYING]

Mrs. Kramer?

Mrs. Kramer?

Could you turn the music down?

Could you turn The music down?

Ask her about Kramer.

She's drunk out of her mind.

[CAR SPEEDS PAST]

Oh...my keys.

Oh...my keys.

[ANNOYED SIGH]

This is perfect.

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

Elaine, are you there?

It's me. I'm locked out of my apartment.

I need my spare keys. Where are you?

I'm at the coffee shop.

Hey, you ever been in an accident?

About five years ago,

I was going down this very road,

I was going down this very road,

the same time of day,

going about the same speed I'm going now.

There was a rock in the road.

It couldn't have been more than a pebble.

I never really saw it.

Lost control of the bike.

Went flying about 100 feet.

Came down right on my head.

Cracked it wide-open.

Blood and stuff just splattered all over the road there.

Broke every bone in my face.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, you know, when they found me,

my eyes were hanging out of their sockets.

Yeah, they pronounced me dead at the scene.

I was in a coma for...

well, they told me about a year.

They said I'd be a vegetable for life.

Yeah, but I showed them.

Of course, since then, I always wear a helmet.

Lean!

[KRAMER SCREAMS]

BIKER: Lean!

KRAMER: Wait!

Georgie boy,

way to come through with the keys.

Sit down.

I'm buying you dinner.

I've been thinking about it.

I just don't feel right

about letting you into Elaine's apartment.

Don't feel right? What are you talking about?

I shouldn't have let you into Kramer's.

Now you want to go into Elaine's.

She entrusted me with her spare keys, how can I just let you in?

What is the big deal?

Look, just because you have someone's spare keys,

it doesn't entitle you to break into their apartment.

That's the reason

you took away Kramer's keys.

you took away Kramer's keys.

You're not even supposed to have Elaine's keys.

You're supposed to give them back to her

so she can give them back to me, because she has mine,

so, technically, those are my keys.

Yes, well, if you'd never taken your keys back from Kramer,

he wouldn't have taken his back and given them to me,

in which case, I wouldn't have had to take mine back from her.

Well, I want those keys.

No can do. George, give them to me.

Let go. No, I'm not-- George, give them to me.

I don't want to get physical!

You want to fight?

I'll fight you! All right, let's get going.

But nothing in the face.

Okay. All right.

And then the evil ogre took back the magical keys

from the handsome young prince.

Oh, no.

He didn't take back the keys.

No way.

Yes, and then the handsome young prince

was cast out into the cruel, cruel world.

Oh, man, what a bummer.

That ogre dude is pretty cold, huh?

He's cold.

Let me tell you something, Kramer.

If that ogre dude pulled that crap on me,

I'd stab him!

I'd stab him!

I'd cut him in half!

I'd gut him like a fish, man!

That's what I'd do!

Yeah, yeah, that'd be funny.

Uh, hey, you can drop me here!

Hey, what's the rush, man?

Uh, well, you know, I've gotta be going now.

Hey, Kramer, have you ever killed a man?

What do you think, Junior?

You think these hands,

they've been soaking in ivory liquid, huh?

[GROANING]

Don't leave, Kramer. Stay with us.

Oh, you know so much about the world.

We need you. Please, Kramer.

HIPPIES: Please, Kramer.

HIPPIES: Please, Kramer.

Well, now, Star Cloud--

HIPPIES: Please, Kramer, please.

You've got to stay.

No, no, no.

HIPPIES: Please, Kramer. Please, Kramer.

[LAUGHING UNCOMFORTABLY]

Don't you see? You're just avoiding them middleman

You were gonna give her her spare keys,

and she was gonna give them to me,

so all that's happening

is that instead of giving them to her,

you're giving them to me.

It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours,

you didn't give her hers,

because then she would've given them to me,

because she has mine,

so I wouldn't have had to ask you for hers

so that I could get mine.

You're right. How did I miss that?

You're right. How did I miss that?

Maybe because it's a crock of sh--

What's that?

Nothing.

I heard something.

I didn't say anything.

So how long have you been driving this thing?

Going on four years.

Nothing's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi.

Nothing?

Well...

Listen to you.

You're quite the sweet-talker.

You know, I always wanted to drive the big rigs.

I used to watch those commercials

during the reruns of Gomer Pyle.

You want to give it a try?

Oh, really?

Do you know how to double-clutch?

Yeah.

Well, come on.

Wait a minute.

Wait.

Okay. All right.

[GEARS GRINDING]

They were in here.

I saw her put them in here.

Well, this is great.

All right, what do they look like?

Like keys, they look like keys, George.

They look exactly like keys.

They look exactly like keys.

"What do they look like?"

Well, they're obviously not here.

Well, they've got to be here somewhere.

Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette

and a hidden wall opens up,

we've checked every square inch of this apartment.

What is this?

Murphy Brown?

What?

"By Elaine Benes"? What?

Elaine's writing a Murphy Brown?

Let me see this.

Let me see this.

Wait a second.

Let me just look at it.

Let me just look at it.

Give me half.

All right, here.

Why didn't she tell us?

Elaine is writing a sitcom?

You-- you-- you weasels!

What? What?

How dare you?

We hardly read anything. It was funny.

Who gave you permission to come into my house

and just go through all my things?

and just go through all my things?

You thought it was funny?

Well, you know...

from what I saw...

Well, it's just a first draft!

I was locked out of my apartment.

I'm just trying to get my keys.

Why did you let him in?

He forced me to.

I did not! Yes, you did!

You, get out! Get out, get out!

Wait, wait! Get out!

I need my spare keys.

Oh, here, here's your damn keys.

You keep them.

I don't want them anymore. Good.

And I want my keys back.

You don't want me to hold your keys?

No, you can't be trusted.

All right, all right, fine.

And I don't want you to hold mine.

Good. I won't.

Good. I won't.

Good. Don't.

Are these my keys?

These aren't my keys.

Whose are these?

I don't know.

["CALIFORNIA GIRLS" BY THE BEACH BOYS PLAYING]

I just thought I could write it.

Is that something you want to do?

I don't know.

Those writers make a lot of money.

What?

Elaine, let me tell you something

about show business.

Ugh...

I can't believe it.

It's hard work.

You don't just write a Murphy Brown.

You've gotta watch the show,

study it, get a sense of the characters,

how they relate to each other...

Okay, can I just watch the show?

Oh, God, what an ass...

What did you say?

What did you say?

I didn't say anything.

I heard something.

Elaine, Elaine, it's Kramer!

Kramer's on Murphy Brown!

Kramer's on Murphy Brown?

Look, there he is.

He's sitting at the desk!

Hi. I'm Murphy Brown.

You must be my new secretary.

Oh, good morning, Miss Brown.

And you are?

Uh, I'm... Steven Snell.

Snell...

Snell...

Well, hello, Mr. Snell.

Steven.

Steven.

Are you familiar with this computer system?

Oh... I'm familiar, yes.

Steven Snell, I know people,

and I have a very good feeling

about you.

Yes.

So I fly a lot. I like planes.

I was on a plane the other day,

I was on a plane the other day,

and I was wondering, "Are there keys to the plane?

Do they need keys to start the plane?"

Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are,

when you're sitting at the gate.

Maybe the pilot's going,

"Oh, I don't believe this.

"Oh, my God.

I did it again."

They tell you it's something mechanical,

because they don't want to come on the PA system--

"Ladies and gentlemen,

"we're gonna be delayed for a little while.

"Oh, God, this is so embarrassing.

"I...

I left the keys to the plane in my apartment."

I left the keys to the plane in my apartment."

You see the technicians

all running underneath the plane.

You think they're servicing it,

but they're actually looking for, like, the magnet hide-a-key

under the wing.

"Maybe he left it up there somewhere."

[♪]

[♪]