Original subtitles

Men, uh... flip around the television

more than women, I think.

Men get that remote control in their hands...

they don't even know what the hell they're not watching.

You know, they just keep going.

"Don't even know what I'm watching."

"What are you watching?"

"I don't care. I gotta keep going." "Who was that?"

"Isn't that your father?" "I don't know what it was."

"I gotta keep going!"

Women don't do that. See, now, women will stop and go,

"Well, let me see what the show is

before I change the channel."

You see, but men just fly.

You see, but men just fly.

Because women, you see, women nest, and men hunt.

That's why we watch TV differently.

[♪]

Before there was flipping around,

before there was television,

kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had storytellers

that would tell them stories. That was their entertainment.

I always wonder, in that era,

if they would get, like, 30 storytellers together

so they could still flip around.

Just go, "All right, start telling me your story.

"What's happening? I don't want to hear any more. Shut up.

"What's happening? I don't want to hear any more. Shut up.

"Go to the next guy. What are you talking about?

"Is there a girl in that story? No? Shut up.

"I don't want to hear that either. Shut up.

"No, go ahead. What are you talking about?

I don't wanna hear that. I'm going to bed."

She's pregnant?

Mm-hmm.

Leslie is pregnant?

Oh, see? There is no justice.

She's the performance artist, right?

Yeah, performance artist.

She's a real performer, a real trooper.

What's her husband's name again?

Chip? Kip?

Skip?

Todd.

Todd... Oh, yeah.

He's a Kennedy.

No, he's not.

Come on, he's a third cousin or something.

By marriage.

By marriage.

Oh, by marriage, yeah.

We went to the wedding.

You should have heard them talking

about Chappaquiddick.

Tried to blame the whole thing on bad directions.

That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life.

Oh, pardon me for trying to set you up

with a beautiful, intelligent woman.

What, you don't think I can attract

beautiful, intelligent women?

Thin ice, George, very thin ice.

Maybe for her new performance piece,

she'll give birth on stage.

She stopped performing.

Oh! What a huge blow to the culture.

Oh! What a huge blow to the culture.

Can you believe this guy?

He holds a grudge like Khomeini.

She dragged me down to that warehouse

on the waterfront in Brooklyn to see one of her performances.

Oh, when she's on stage

cooking dinner for some celebrity?

God...

She's cooking dinner for God.

She's yelling and screaming, and the next thing I know,

she throws a big can of chocolate syrup

all over my new red shirt.

It was an accident!

Oh, yeah, accident, right.

She was aiming right at me, like she was putting out a fire.

She was aiming right at me, like she was putting out a fire.

So for the rest of the show,

I'm sitting there with chocolate over my shirt.

Flies are landing on me.

I'm boiling!

I'm fantasizing all the things I'm going to say to her,

and later, finally, backstage when I talk to her,

I'm like a little groveling worm.

I'm--"What kind of chocolate was that?"

"Do you throw any other foods?"

He thought he still had a shot.

And then, then, then!

She leaves with somebody else.

Never even-- never even said goodbye.

Never even-- never even said goodbye.

Never called me back, never apologized, nothing.

Like I was dirt.

Whatever happened to the shirt?

I still have it.

The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

She asked me to give her a baby shower.

Asked you?

You're not gonna do that, are you?

Anyone else, never, but Leslie...

I have a problem saying no to her.

For some reason, I seem to want her approval.

Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.

Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.

Ask not what I can do for you,

ask what you can do for me.

Ich bin ein sucker.

Oh...

Would you two stop with the Kennedys?

Why does everybody make such a big deal about the Kennedys?

I mean, what is this fascination?

Who cares?

It's all so boring.

Look, she doesn't deserve a baby shower.

She deserves a baby monsoon.

She deserves Rosemary's baby.

I do have one teeny little problem, though.

Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing.

Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing.

See...

[CLEARS THROAT]

I was gonna give the shower in my apartment...

But?

My roommate has Lyme disease.

Lyme disease?

I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome.

She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr.

It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease.

How did she get Lyme disease?

I don't know.

She did some outdoor version of Hair

in Danberry, Connecticut.

They still do that play?

They still do that play?

It's a classic.

With the nudity?

I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in.

Never said goodbye. Hah! "Goodbye."

Explain to me how this baby shower thing works?

What do you want to know?

Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?

Rarely.

There's no hazing of the fetus,

or anything, is there?

or anything, is there?

No. Mm-mm.

When is this supposed to be?

Saturday.

Saturday.

Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday.

They're not gonna bust up my apartment,

or anything, are they?

No, I'll take full responsibility.

You won't regret it.

You know, because I've seen these pregnant women,

and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth...

and they'll--just like one wrong turn,

the whole buffet is, like, right off the table.

Someday, before I die, mark my words,

I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her.

I'll never be able to forgive myself

I'll never be able to forgive myself

until I do.

And if you do?

Well, I still won't be able to forgive myself,

but at least it won't be about this.

What are you doing this for?

Look at you!

Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.

But you don't have to do this.

The guy is waiting in my house!

Leave me alone!

It's a one-time fee. 150 bucks.

Why live like this?

I'm not getting illegal cable.

I'm not getting illegal cable.

Oh, so what are you gonna do?

You gonna wait for the cable companies

to resolve their dispute?

They're gonna be in court for years.

No, I read in the paper--

Oh, oh, the paper, yeah.

Well, they might hook us up again.

Oh, God, you're so naive.

All cable companies care about is the big mamoo.

Oh... look at you. You're banging things.

It's just pathetic.

You're just wasting your life.

I'm offering you 56 channels.

Movies, sports, nudity, and it's free for life!

Movies, sports, nudity, and it's free for life!

Stop shouting. You're ruining the reception!

Can you hear yourself?

Can-- Do you know what you're saying?

What you're suggesting is illegal.

It's not illegal. It's against the law.

Well, yeah.

Just-- just hold this. Can you hold that?

Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over?

He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant.

He escaped from the gulag.

He's like the Sakharov of cable guys.

He's like the Sakharov of cable guys.

He'll slow your gas meter.

He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.

He's a real human rights nut, huh?

Yeah. He's intense, man.

I don't know. What if I get caught--

Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him, man.

It's the 90's. It's Hammer time.

Come on. Just let me get him.

Jerry, Jerry, this is the cable man.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

You know, why don't we wait,

You know, why don't we wait,

because I'm going out of town tomorrow.

Tomorrow okay.

No problem.

Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed

by the time you get back.

No, every time I turn on a TV,

sirens are gonna go off.

They're gonna track me down like a dog. I know it.

No, no. Look, now, Jerry, Jerry, it's no risk. I swear.

The Mets have 75 games on cable this year.

Put it in.

You won't regret it.

You won't regret it.

♪ Yeah, Jerry's going to be A cable boy ♪

♪ A cable boy A cable boy... ♪

Mr. Steinfeld?

Seinfeld.

We're with the FBI.

Want to tell us about your cable hook up?

My cable hook up? What about it?

It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld.

It has? I've been out of town. How did you know?

Hey, Jerry, I had to tell them.

I had to. I had no choice.

Ah, they were onto the scam from the very beginning.

Ah, they were onto the scam from the very beginning.

You're in very serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on.

We're just patsies.

We're just a couple of users. We never sold the stuff.

What about the Russian guy?

The Russian guy's the guy you want.

Mr. Seinfeld?

Agent Stone, FBI undercover.

No, Jerry!

[GUNSHOTS, CROCKERY BREAKING]

[SCREAMS]

No!

Cable boy...

Cable boy?

What have you done to my little cable boy?

Excuse me, can I get something to drink?

I'm afraid not.

Well, what's with this airline?

What, are you cutting out the drinks now?

No, sir, we're flying into a blizzard.

Please fasten your seat belt.

We're making an emergency landing.

Are they gonna go over the instructions again?

My name is Bill.

I might be the last person you ever see.

I might be the last person you ever see.

Not afraid of flying.

Although, many people do have fear of flying,

and, uh, I have no argument with that.

I think fear of flying is quite rational

because human beings cannot fly.

Humans have fear of flying

the same way fish have fear of driving.

You put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This isn't right.

"I shouldn't be doing this.

I don't belong here."

GEORGE: Sounds like a rough trip.

Oh, there were fire engines,

ambulances all along the runway,

and then when we landed safely,

they all seemed so disappointed.

So the college canceled the gig?

Oh, there was so much snow, the roads were closed.

I really appreciate you picking me up.

Thanks again.

Ah, forget it.

No, really, an airport run.

It's nothing.

No, it's one thing if I asked you,

"Could you do me a favor?" but to suggest it...

When you told me what you went through on the plane,

it makes you stop and think.

it makes you stop and think.

I appreciate having a real friend.

You know, if Richie Brandis did this, I'd be suspicious.

You know, he's always got some ulterior motive.

[GIGGLES NERVOUSLY]

Ulterior motive...

[SNORTS]

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Don't take the bridge, get off here.

We can't go back to my place.

Elaine's having the shower.

What, tonight? Now?

Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Uh...

All right, it's no big deal. We'll go back to your place.

My place? No, no, no, I hate my place.

I don't want to go back to my place

Well, you want to get a bite?

Well, you want to get a bite?

Well, yeah, I would,

it's just I, you know, I just ate a whole pot roast.

Well, so what should we do?

Well, shouldn't we at least drop off your bag?

Red shirt! Red shirt!

That's the red shirt! What are you talking about?

You're wearing the chocolate shirt!

I am. What a strange coincidence.

Ah-ha! Nice try, my friend,

but you got to get up pretty early in the morning.

You gotta let me go over there.

You gotta let me go over there.

What are you gonna do,

badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?

Are you gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda?

No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose,

so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco

that I had to live with for three years.

I'm gonna say, "Remember this shirt, baby?

Well, now... it's payback time!"

[QUIET CONVERSATIONS]

We just bought an apartment on Riverside Drive.

Bernard Goetz's mother used to live there.

So where's Todd?

Up in Hyannis Port.

Up in Hyannis Port.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God. Hyannis Port?

With the Kennedys?

Who else is up there? Is Rose up there?

Ah, ha, ha.

So when's your due date?

March 20th, 9:00 a.m.

You know the time?

I'm having a planned C-section.

My therapist told me

if I go through labor I might get psychotic.

Uh, Leslie, Leslie,

what ever happened to Sergeant Shriver?

Is-- is he still with them?

You don't hear much about him these days.

Is he, like, out of the loop, or...

Elaine, who catered this, Sears?

Elaine, who catered this, Sears?

[LAUGHS]

What is this? What are you doing here?

Ah, we're putting in the cable.

I'm having a party here. You can't do this now.

Oh, we have to do this now.

Who is this guy?

KRAMER: Well, which one?

ELAINE: Both of them.

KRAMER: Oh, they're Soviet cable guys.

Okay. Does Jerry know about this?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all authorized. Yeah.

Well, you can't. You can't do this now.

Well, you can't. You can't do this now.

Elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is?

If I send him away now,

it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back.

He won't like that.

All right. Just do it fast, and then get out.

All right. Anatole?

Giddy up. Go.

Look, it's only gonna take a few minutes.

Then you and the gals can take a load off

and watch something on Lifetime.

And what if we go up there?

And what if we go up there?

What are you gonna say to her?

What am I gonna say?

Yeah.

What did you go out with me for?

Just to dump chocolate on my shirt,

and then dump me altogether?

I don't deserve that kind of treatment.

You don't have the common courtesy

to return my calls? To apologize?

You think I'm some sort of a loser

that likes to be abused and ignored?

Whose shirt can be ruined without financial restitution?

Some sort of a masochist

Some sort of a masochist

who enjoys being humiliated?

You think you can just avoid me?

Like I have some sort of a disease?

You have the disease! You have the disease!

You may be beautiful and rich

and physically just unbelievable,

but you sicken me.

You disgust me! You and everyone like you!

You'll never say that to her face.

Watch me.

Yeah, I eat the whole apple-- core, stem, seeds...

just everything.

Kramer... Kramer, look at him.

Kramer... Kramer, look at him.

Look, he's eating all the food.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, there are many differences

between American and Soviet cultures

that you're not aware of.

See, in Russia,

the cable guy, oh, they got the whole run of the house.

Yeah, that-- That's tradition. Yeah.

You ever eat the bark off of a pineapple?

[ARGUING IN RUSSIAN]

Kramer! Kramer! Kramer! Kramer!

Hey... Wow, man.

Hey... Wow, man.

[MUTTERING IN RUSSIAN]

[SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]

What are you doing here?

I thought you were out of town.

The show was canceled. There was a blizzard.

I can't believe you told Kramer

it's okay to put cable in during the shower, Jerry.

Look, look, they've eaten everything.

Jerry, what a surprise.

I thought you were out of town.

Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less traveled is...

Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less traveled is...

less traveled for a reason.

George, don't even think about it.

Don't even dream about it.

About what?

Kramer! Kramer!

Hey. Hey.

Leslie...

Yeah?

George...

George Costanza.

Hi.

I guess you don't remember me,

but we actually went out a couple years ago.

Once.

Remember?

Vaguely.

Vaguely.

Yeah. You took me to see one of your shows.

[CHUCKLES]

And?

And, um...

it was quite good.

In fact, you even incorporated me into the show.

I'm not actually a performer,

although my parents felt I had talent.

Jerry?

Remember me?

I'm sorry...

Mary Contardi.

No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry?

No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry?

We had a date three years ago.

You took me to one of your shows.

Oh, I-- I think I remember.

Told me you had a great time. Said you'd call me the next day.

Well, I'm sure I meant to call. I probably just lost your--

Liar!

Liar!

You were never going to call me!

You thought you could waltz through the rest of life

and never bump into me again,

but you were wrong, Jerry! You were wrong!

I--I...

What do you think, I'm a poor pathetic wretch?

I didn't think that--

WOMAN: Some person who could be dismissed and ignored?

Some insignificant piece of dust?

Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your attention?

Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your attention?

Well, you're the one

that doesn't deserve my respect and my attention!

You're the insignificant piece of dust!

Actually, I never had any formal training.

I guess I'd be better suited for improvs--

Oh!

Thanks a lot.

Oh, bye.

Oh, bye.

I'm so sorry you have to go.

Yeah, I really have to be going.

All right, listen,

I've changed my mind about this whole thing.

I don't want the cable.

Look, Jerry, don't be a fool.

You don't want?

No, I don't want.

So just tell what I owe you for your trouble, and...

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

$400.

$400.

You told me 150.

You told me 150.

Well...

I'm going.

Obviously.

Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry

about everything that went on here tonight.

You know, I had no idea--

Elaine, you know, I was watching you tonight,

and I realized something.

You're just like you were in college.

Oh... Thank you.

What was I like in college?

Come on, let's go.

I'll be right back.

I'm not paying $400.

I don't even want the thing.

What are you gonna do?

Every woman on the face of the earth

has complete control of my life...

and yet I want them all.

Is that irony?

[SIGHS]

Why can't I meet a Kennedy?

I saw John Junior once downtown. I was on a bus.

I hit the... ding.

It didn't stop.

All right, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but...

All right, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but...

who takes that literally?

Hey, come on over.

Doctor Zhivago's on cable in five minutes.

I'm making popcorn.

What do you do at the end of a date,

when you know you don't want to see this person ever again

for the rest of your life?

What do you say? What do you say?

It doesn't-- No matter what you say, it's a lie.

It doesn't-- No matter what you say, it's a lie.

"I'll see you around."

See you around.

If you're around, and I'm around,

I'll see you around that area.

You'll be around other people, you won't be around me,

but you will be around.

"Take care now."

Ever say that to somebody?

"Take care now."

Take care...

Now.

Now.

Because I'm not gonna be taking care of you.

So you should take care now.

"Take care, take care."

What does that mean? "Take care."

"Take off." Isn't that what you really want to say?

"Take off now."

Get out of here.

[♪]