Original subtitles

[young boy]: Darkness has come to the Land of Wendimoor.

An evil wizard called The Mage has risen,

his great army destroying everything in its path.

Now he marches on to the Valley of Inglenook,

where a war between two families rages.

Come back here!

There's nowhere left to run!

You coward!

You'll never get away!

We've got you now!

Get back here!

[laughing]

You'll pay for what you did to our family!

End of the road!

You can't run anymore, Trost!

My friends,

you misunderstand.

I was running to protect you.

[weapons rattle]

[snipping sharply]

Come on.

[roaring]

[scissor swords clash]

Had enough?

[roaring]

[screaming]

Panto Trost!

Halt where you stand.

Kill him, Silas!

Yeah, have Wygar smash him to bits!

Scramola, deadbeats!

[screaming]

[Wygar grumbles]

My family did not take

your brother Farson, Silas.

You must believe me.

[♪♪♪]

Of course I believe you, my love.

Come back, speak to my mother.

Together we could convince our families to end this war

before The Mage's armies arrive.

The prophecy is the only answer.

[distant war horns blowing]

[Wygar]: Silas, they're coming.

If you believe, then go.

Now.

[marching footsteps approach]

Stay safe, my love.

Save our world.

Fulfill the prophecy!

Find him!

Find Dirk Gently!

[♪♪♪]

[male auto voice intones]: Awake. Awake. Awake.

Awake. Awake.

You are awake.

Prepare for testing, Project Icarus.

Day 63.

[Dirk sighs heavily]

[auto voice]: Focus, predict the correct image.

I'm not psychic.

This won't work.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Predict the number.

One.

[electric shock crackling]

Four.

[electric shock crackling]

[electric shock crackling, Dirk wincing]

[sighs in exasperation]

Disarm the device.

[test beeps in error, goo splats]

This isn't how this works.

I'm not psychic.

[clicks intercom button]

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

[quickly] Yes, you are.

Look, saying it quick doesn't make it true somehow--

Wait...

Who is that? Is that not the recording?

How many of these tests have we done?

So far...

197, sir.

[groans]

[clicks intercom button]

Could you...

try harder?

"Try harder."

[Dirk, through intercom]: What's changed?

Why are you talking to me now?

I've been in here for two months,

and surprise!

Nothing works.

Dead end.

They did this to me when I was a child

for years,

and it went nowhere.

Look, cases come to me.

I don't find them.

That's what being a holistic detective is.

I'm not designed to solve your problems.

What have you done to my friends?

[clicks intercom button] We're gonna get 'em.

So you haven't got them?

[stammers] D-- No! I mean--

[spluttering angrily]

They ran away, man.

They-they- they ran away, and they left you,

and you're alone here.

No one's coming, so just...

try harder.

[test device reactivates, timer ticking]

[Dirk sighs]

[test beeps in error, goo splats]

It's kind of peaceful here.

Especially when you've been on the run for two months.

We used to play towns like this on tour.

Honestly, it's a lot safer out here than in the cities.

I still don't see why I can't tell my parents I'm okay.

Their lines are definitely bugged.

Blackwing would be listening.

It's too dangerous.

And meeting with your brother isn't?

That was just a matter of time.

Using his log-ins to access CIA networks?

He was bound to notice.

Todd, we--

I know those other leads have all been dead ends,

but this next one is gonna be--

That's what you've said every time.

This is the last time.

We find Blackwing, we find Dirk.

We find Dirk, we find Amanda,

and we get out of this mess.

Yeah, how do we do that exactly?

It'll be like a... holistic thing.

Wherever this next lead is taking us,

there'll be some kind of connection.

Somewhere, right now,

Dirk is waiting for us to find him,

and he'll know how to fix this.

[error beeps, goo splats, electric shock crackles]

Wrong.

Wrong.

[shocks crackling]

This is your--

[crackling]

I am-- [crackling]

Wrong!

This concludes today's testing.

You have done a very bad job.

I'm never getting out of here.

[voices swirl]

[gasping]

What'd you see in your wacky shit brain this time, boss?

I don't know...

I don't know, they're always so muddled.

The visions keep getting shorter,

and, like, more vague.

It's just...

It's like poetry.

You know, like...

symbolism and shit.

Do you see the guys in the poetry this time, though?

Do you know where they are?

South.

We have to keep going south.

We're going to find them, okay, Vogle?

We'll get back together, and...

we won't have to be on the run anymore, I promise.

Hey! [banging fencepost]

Is someone there? Who is that?

This is private property!

Come down from there, or I'm calling the police.

You don't wanna come over here, dude.

It's the Rowdy Three.

But there's only two of you.

Oh, shut up, Math!

[cheering] Yeah!

[Farah]: This is where he said to meet.

[Todd]: Is that... what is that?

Are you sure this isn't a trap?

You're sure we can trust him?

He's my brother.

So... that means...?

I don't know. Yes?

I hope so.

Don't let him get to you, okay?

We're too close now.

[♪♪♪]

[Eddie]: The famous Bergsberg boat.

[Farah]: The Infant Male Pollock Francis?

Yep.

You know they say this thing's been here since the '50s?

Nobody's sure who left it here,

but no one's taken the time to tow it away.

Is this a trap?

If it were a trap,

it'd be pretty embarrassing for you

to have walked right into it.

Man, I never thought you'd be the one

to end up on the Most Wanted List, Farah.

The FBI, the CIA, the NSA,

hell, even my department at Homeland Security

have you and the Brotzmans on its radar.

Yeah, and I bet it only says "person of interest," right?

Blackwing.

This is part of the cover-up, Eddie.

Yeah, I read about that in the email you sent.

Now, was this before or after

you saved Lydia Spring from being turned into a dog--

Okay, she wasn't turned into a dog,

her soul was put inside a dog,

and actually, it was quite stressful for me,

so you don't need to do all that.

Shit.

Shit-- Farah!

Shit...

You hacked my account.

It was the only way to find information on Dirk.

You think I give a damn about this Dirk Gently person?

This has gone on long enough.

Come in.

I can protect you.

[scoffs]

Take this.

Is it a tracking device?

It's a phone.

When you're ready to give up this insanity, call me.

You've always had... problems,

but now they've gotten you in too deep.

Dad's dead.

He went back into the hospital again

about a month ago, and...

he never came back out.

I would've contacted you, but I didn't know how.

You were too good at hiding.

Look, I know you feel you failed him with...

everything.

It's not too late to leave Todd Brotzman.

[officer, over megaphone]: Step out of the car, please.

You look cool.

O...kay.

But you can't park here.

State road.

If you park here, I gotta tow you,

which is to say,

I am the tow truck driver here in the county,

along with being the Sheriff.

Although I suppose now that I've told you,

by the time I went and got the dang tow truck, came back here to tow you,

you'd already have moved it, wouldn't you?

[flies buzzing] Shoot, I would.

Which would be an exercise in pointlessness,

unless I then proceeded to chase you down,

which would be thrilling, maybe--

[flies buzzing]

But let's be honest,

there ain't gonna be any high-speed pursuit of anything around here,

other than my high-speed pursuit of a good conversation!

Hey, I get that from my brother, he lives in Omaha.

The guy loves two things in this world, knitting

and psychoanalysis,

amateur psychoanalysis, obviously, but also--

Oh, God!

No... No, not now.

[coughing]

[coughing and choking]

Oh!

Oh, Jeezie Pete, man!

What is happening to you, and how can I help?

What can I do to help?

Uh, d-do you need...

Todd! You're okay!

Oh, hello--

You're just having an attack.

[Sheriff stammering] Ma'am, can I call, uh...

Would you like me to call an ambulance for you?

No, everything is good with us, okay?

Goodbye.

[Todd screaming in agony] - Are you-- Okay, uh...

[Todd screaming]

Ma'am? Are you sure I can't call an ambulance for you?

[engine revving]

That one's on me!

I handled that badly!

Yeah...

that was extremely suspicious.

[train horn blaring]

[banging and explosions outside]

[crackle and pop of fireworks]

Scott!

Scotty! Scotty, stop it!

Scotty, stop it!

- Scott! - Where...

are my...

tickets, Mom?

I'm gonna get you your tickets, Scott--

You said you'd get me tickets to Sound of Nothing,

and then you went and got groceries!

Well, we need groceries, hon'.

You need to eat healthier, you can't just have fast food--

Don't tell me what I need to eat!

Are you a nutritionist?

No...

- [screaming] Are you a nutritionist? - All right, that's it!

Mister!

You're grounded.

Your phone privileges

are revoked.

Hand it over.

[screams in rage]

I'm not afraid of you anymore, Mom!

I'm gonna get that back,

and you are gonna get me those tickets!

Yeah? Well, we'll see about that, Bucko!

Because I am the boss here,

and I make the rules, and I decide what-- [door slams, lock clicks]

No, don't lock it.

[knocking] Bob?

[barking]

Quiet, I'm sleeping.

[knocking]

Bobby!

[ "Runaway" by Del Shannon playing]

♪ As I walk along ♪

♪ I wonder ♪

♪ What went wrong ♪

♪ With our love ♪

♪ A love that was so strong... ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ And as I still walk on ♪

♪ I think of ♪

♪ The things we've done together ♪

♪ While our hearts were young ♪

♪ I'm a-walkin' in the rain ♪

♪ Tears are fallin' and I feel the pain ♪

♪ Wishin' you were here by me ♪

♪ To end this misery ♪

♪ And I wonder... ♪

[bicycle bell jingling]

♪ I wah-wah-wah-wah-wonder... ♪

♪ Why ♪

♪ Why-why-why-why-why ♪

♪ She ran away ♪

♪ And I wonder where she will stay ♪

♪ My little runaway ♪

♪ My run-run-run-run runaway ♪

Suzie!

What did I tell you about goofing off on your phone at work?

It's my son's phone.

Don't tell me you're getting your attitude back.

You know, that accident

was the best thing that ever happened to you.

No, no, no, no, don't get sensitive.

I need you focused.

We need to get all the paperwork

and safety sign-offs done.

The clock's ticking.

We already got 3,000 pounds of dynamite down there,

just gathering dust--

I'm on it.

I got it.

A-okay.

[mocking] "A-okay."

[muttering angrily]

[slam]

[Farah] That was too close.

If that cop calls in a description,

we could be in serious trouble.

I don't think he will.

He seemed...

insane.

I'm feeling better, we should get going.

In broad daylight?

Todd, if this is a high-security government facility--

You can handle it.

I am not an army, Todd.

I'm not... James Bond.

Aren't you, though? Kinda?

Okay, you just had

a pararibulitus attack in front of a police officer.

There's--

Things aren't going--

[more gently] great.

You're telling me that?

[chuckles]

Are you okay?

I try not to focus too much

on the repercussions, psychologically,

of the more... recent events

that are happening in my life,

because...

my chest gets tight, and my hands start to shake, and...

I think I want to scream, and then I just want to scream,

and never stop screaming...

If there's one thing Dirk taught me,

it's that it has to be going somewhere.

It all has to be going somewhere.

It got us this far, right?

"Got us this far?"

in relation to what?

We need to get to Dirk.

Blackwing has the answer.

Blackwing is the solution.

Does Blackwing suck?

Does it...

suck, sir?

This is Project Moloch?

This is the most powerful subject

that Riggins ever brought in,

and he was just like, what, in a, just...

...in a normal hospital?

He'd been transferred several times

after Blackwing shut down.

He actually suffered a stroke when we transported him--

Yeah, okay, whatever, but, like,

this guy is...

He's...

...not cool.

He's not. He's just, like...

[groans in exasperation]

[slaps him]

Stupid!

But...

what about Project Alpha?

[muffled]: Okay...

[electric shock crackling]

[Ken gasping]

[voice muffled] Hi.

You're not the usual scientist.

You're, uh, you're new.

Hey, hey, hey, listen,

look at me, look at me.

You have gotta get me out of here, okay?

I've been in here for...

Look... [muttered counting]

70 days.

Can you see? 70 days. Look, look.

Every day they just keep asking me the same question

about if I have some kind of super power, but I don't!

I don't!

You've gotta let me talk to who's in charge.

I'm in charge.

You are?

So...

how does your power work?

I don't have a power.

Okay? I'm a tech guy.

Computers.

You survived seven days with Project Marzanna.

[muttering] Marzanna...

Bart?

She kills everybody that she comes in contact with,

except you,

therefore you must have powers.

[laughs] No, I've told you people,

Bart wasn't trying to kill me.

How does the dog work?

How does the dog...

"work"?

Really?

Look, man, enough!

All right, you've got to start listening to me--

[electric shock crackling]

This is just, like...

such a bummer.

See, this program,

it used to collect people with weird abilities,

and then it all, like, fell apart,

but then I started it back up again,

but we can't find any of the cool people that they used to have,

like, like the human bomb,

or the invisible guy,

or the shapeshifter...

Are you saying there are other Barts?

Yeah, except that's the catch,

is they suck.

The vampire guys are crazy,

and we couldn't even find Project Marzanna, just gone!

And then Icarus--

I mean, Dirk Gently--

is, like, lame and annoying,

and then there's this other guy who's literally in a coma.

Look, man,

they're connected to the thing,

the fabric of reality.

You can't keep them locked up.

All right? These kind of people need to be out in the world, and--

Please don't shock me...

please don't shock me.

So you're saying...

I need to expose them to each other?

No.

No, that's not what I'm saying at all.

But you said that maybe?

No, I definitely didn't say that,

because you-- [roars in triumph]

[shock crackling]

Sorry, that-that was an accident.

[Ken wincing and shuddering]

Thank you.

No, wait, wait, wait, please, no, no, no!

Wait, hey! Hey!

You've got to get me out of here, please, okay?

I'm a normal person!

[desperately] I'm a normal person!

[bullets ricochet through hallway]

[hail of gunfire]

[sirens wailing] Alert. Alert. Alert.

Alert. Alert. Alert. Alert.

Come on, Dirk, we have to go now.

[incredulous] You came...

You came to rescue me!

That's right, we're badasses now.

We're big badasses,

and we came to rescue you, Dirk.

We used a magic rock

given to us by Thor to find you.

I knew I could rely on Thor!

Hurry up. We have to get to the Lost City of Gold

to collect the Sacred Algae before it's too late!

Yeah, Dirk, we need that algae!

Okay! Let's go!

Oh.

This is a dream, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah. It is.

[sighs heavily]

Hands off, hands off.

I am not a shopping cart!

[door slams]

[sighs huffily]

Oh...

What have they done to you?

Hello, Suzanne.

Do I know you?

No.

But it is lovely to meet such a beautiful ray of sunshine.

Um, I...

[chuckles]

May I?

Oh, my gosh, that's you, isn't it?

That was from when I won

the Ohio Junior Membermazing Competition.

I memorized the whole first act of Macbeth.

You were happy then.

Yes.

I think more people respected me when I was nine

than they do now that I'm 40.

It's kinda, um...

Sad?

I was gonna say "funny."

It's that too, I suppose.

[picture frame clatters]

Can I speak to your master?

My what?

The person in charge.

Oh.

Dan.

Yeah, Dan, he's, uh...

Uh...

Hey, Dan! Can you come out here?

[sighs]

Aw, dang it.

Suzie, you brainless--

Oops.

Hello, Dan.

Look...

those guys you've got me dealing with are criminals.

This is...

...too much.

I just wanted to make a little bit of money, and...

and now that's over, so...

get out,

or else.

Okay.

I understand.

Bye-bye.

Or else what?

What's stopping me from simply taking one of your trucks?

I'll call the police.

The police, and they'd bring an army.

An army?

The police are people that would hurt me, they'd cause a problem for me.

Suzie, if you'd be so kind.

[Suzie gasps] [Dan screaming in pain]

[stabbing]

Have you noticed an acceleration of strangeness in your life?

[squeaks] Mm-hm.

[Farah]: This is the only file I could find on record

with any connection to Blackwing,

but it had been years since anyone had accessed it.

[Todd]: It doesn't look military.

This is the address.

Todd?

This is it.

This is gonna be it.

Look at those cameras.

They're rusted out. No one's been here in years.

This isn't Blackwing.

So that means it's safe.

Todd...

stop.

You're gonna stress yourself out

and give yourself an attack!

I got it! Okay.

Let's go!

[muttering] He's losing his mind...

[Todd]: We're close!

This is something!

[Todd]: Okay, here we go, here we go.

[Farah]: Todd, slow down.

Do you feel that?

[Farah]: Feel what?

Something weird.

Old spooky house with the government fences

in the middle of nowhere?

Like...

this is some kind of... thing, right?

Look at the locks on these doors.

Todd?

[wearily] Seriously?

Okay, it's wet!

It's wet! This is a wet... thing.

This is a thing, right?

Why else would there be water here?

What does any of this have to do with Dirk

or Blackwing?

I don't know, but this is it,

this is special, this is a thing,

and then a-another thing,

and, bam!

It all connects.

We're close, we are so close,

we are, like...

this close!

You're holding your fingers pretty far apart.

You know, I actually had friends out there for once?

This woman, Farah, she was really incredible,

like a... like a ninja-woman, and I--

Ooh... rough news,

I have replaced you as my assistant.

The new guy, Todd...

is perfect.

Although, warning,

there's a chance the government might have killed them both--

[intercom squawks with feedback]

So, you've, like...

met this guy before?

When I was small.

Riggins used to take me in to see him,

and a few of the others he said weren't too dangerous.

I remember him well.

He always just laid there.

Never interrupted me.

He was the nicest person I've ever met.

What have you done to him?

Why has he lost so much weight?

He had a stroke when we moved him.

Am I supposed to, what, magic him awake?

Touch my forehead and do a constipated face,

and things get better?

Because you've run out of ideas,

and you know something bad is going to happen soon?

Whatever you're doing,

it isn't going to work.

Fate and chance are not mutually exclusive, Mr. Friedkin,

and if you keep on this path,

you're going to get a healthy dose of both.

It's probably already started,

and you haven't even noticed.

[squeaks]

Just... get him out of there.

[banging] This isn't how it works.

I am not a machine!

You can't control it!

This isn't how it works!

Do you understand? This isn't how it works!

[stereo thudding]

[humming] Mm mm mm mm mm mm

Mm!

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm...

[humming]

[beer tab pops]

Tina...

[groans]

Tina Tevetino, get in here.

Where the heck have you been?

Okay... so...

Yes, okay, I'm high,

but I'm not drunk!

Okay, I am drunk,

but it was just white wine,

and I slept most of it off.

Okay, I have been sleeping in my car all day,

but guess what?

Nothing happened.

Nothing's gonna happen.

Nothing ever happens!

What's the face?

Oh, something happened.

[Todd]: There has to be a way up.

There has to be a way up there,

and then that'll be a secret chamber, or something,

or a tunnel, maybe?

Or maybe it's invisible.

Maybe we're looking at it right now.

Is that stupid?

No.

Y-yes.

No! No! Nothing is stupid!

[Farah]: Todd...

This place is abandoned,

and there's no way into the house

other than breaking in.

Well, then let's break in.

No! No,

I have broken enough laws tonight,

and I don't want to risk setting off an alarm.

You don't want to risk it?

Look at where we are.

We're here.

This is something.

This is connected!

Todd, we barely escaped Blackwing in Seattle--

Look! A rabbit!

That can't be a coincidence.

It's a rabbit.

No, this rabbit is the answer.

Maybe.

Dirk, is that you?

Maybe he's in the rabbit,

or maybe he's some sort of mechanical rabbit drone,

or some kind of... space rabbit!

You're... you're getting too worked up,

okay, Todd?

I think we should just go back to the car, okay?

I know, I know,

you want this rabbit to mean something--

Look, he's getting away!

Todd...

Hey! Buddy!

Ooh! Ooh! I got him! I got him!

I got him!

No, I don't. No, I don't.

No, I don't.

[panting and manic] Gotta get it together.

I'll just wash this off, and it'll all be okay.

Just wash this off, it'll be okay.

I got it.

No more blood.

Done, done, did it.

Did it-- [office door opens, Suzie shrieks]

[gasping in terror] Oh! Oh, no...

This is a misunderstanding, this is a misunder--! [screams]

Put that garbage in the trunk.

I could've called the police, but I didn't,

'cause that man, he said you were coming,

and he said you would come, and you'd get the body,

and it would all be fine, and it would be right as rain,

and it would-- ow!

[gasping in shock]

Why did I protect him?

[quietly] Maybe I did this

because I thought it would be interesting...

Oh, God, am I a bad person?

- Shut up. - Psst!

You're supposed to use that thing, man.

[Suzi]: Wait, what are you doing? Did you change your mind?

Are you not going to kill me?

Are you-- Did you change your mind?

Excuse me, did you change your mind? Excuse me--

- Shut up. - Okay.

I can't read this shit.

He said I'd be able to read it.

It's in Chinese or something.

What do you need the book for?

I thought Mister Mage told you what to say.

Borobotos!

[altering inflection] Borobotos.

[henchmen giggling]

Shut up.

Borobotos!

Screw this, man,

I don't have time for this Satanist shit!

If she's dead, she's dead, who cares how I kill her?

No, no, no, no, no!

[screaming] No, no, no!

[bicycle bell jingling] [gunfire]

[screams]

[screaming]

[gunfire, windows shattering]

[screaming]

[gasping and screaming]

Do you know Ken?

No.

I don't know Ken.

Who are you?

You know, um...

I'm not going to kill you, even though it feels like I should.

And I think that sometimes, when you're killing people,

they don't like it.

And it makes them unhappy, and... and scared,

and also dead,

which they don't like, I don't think, so...

I'm not going to kill you to make you a happier person.

Oh, God, thank you.

Thank you.

Are you happy now that I'm not killing you?

Yes. Yes.

Well, then why aren't you smiling?

W-What?

You should be doing a smile, like...

[laughs in delight]

Well, so, do you wanna come with me and be best friends?

No...?

No, I just want to go home.

Yeah, well, fine!

I already have a friend anyway!

Maybe I should just kill you after all!

[whimpering]

You hear that, universe?

I don't have to listen to you if I don't wanna!

[magical swirling] I am the boss of me, not you!

I could...I could go...

[screams in frustration]

[screaming in rage]

Borobotos!

[gasping in shock]

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

[whimpering in panic]

[Farah]: Todd!

Oh!

Great, you caught up.

Did you see where it went?

It was somewhere around here.

Todd, I have been looking for you

for five hours.

Farah, don't be ridiculous. It was...

Seven.

Oh! Maybe the tree?

Help me climb the tree!

Todd, stop.

Stop!

It's 5:00 a.m.,

and you want to climb a tree looking for a rabbit.

I am not the most

emotionally, you know, communicative person,

and I know you aren't either,

but given what we've been through together,

we need to talk,

because this is too much now.

I have done the best I can for you,

used every trick I know,

hacking government servers, fake IDs, stealing cars,

but this "everything is connected" stuff,

that's not real for you.

It's a delusion--

Hey, I'm in the same position as you.

My life was ruined,

destroyed.

I was fired, my apartment was wrecked,

I've been beaten and- and electrocuted multiple times.

I have a disease that puts me in constant fear.

But I saw something real,

something beyond anything I could have ever imagined,

I saw incredible things,

and I believe it, Farah, I do

This has to have a point--

Whatever Dirk showed you,

it isn't nice, Todd,

it isn't helpful.

It doesn't protect people.

If this is real,

it doesn't choose sides,

and you're not Dirk.

Even if this was to somehow lead to Dirk,

he can't cure your pararibulitus.

Cure my-- [laughs]

You think that's what this is about?

No, I deserve my pararibulitus.

I deserve all of this, and worse.

I want to find Dirk to help you.

I want to find Dirk to help him.

I need to find Dirk because...

Because it's the only way back to Amanda.

She called me, Farah,

when whatever happened to her happened,

she called me.

This has to be real.

It has to mean something.

It's our only option.

It's the only way back to a normal life.

It's the only way for me to make things right.

So, what,

we're just supposed to keep wandering around,

waiting for something weird to happen?

Well, maybe.

[branches crashing and splintering]

[metal creaking]

[♪♪♪]

[sniffs]

[video game gunfire rattling]

[♪♪♪]

[squeaking]

[splash]

[bouncing]

[falling]

[fluttering]

What are you doing here?

Find the boy.

[splash]

[♪♪♪]