Original subtitles

Hmm, some news of our wedding.

I have sent you all a save the date email.

Oh, exciting. You guys picked a date?

Better, I picked eighty dates.

And I need you to save them all until we narrow it down.

I thought we agreed on June 15th.

That's the day after Flag Day.

Everybody will be partied out.

It's a date, just pick one.

It's not just a date, it's a textbook optimization problem.

There is a perfect date,

just like there's a perfect room temperature and a perfect dessert.

Hmm. There's no perfect dessert.

Yellow cake in the shape of a dinosaur with chocolate frosting,

scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side, not touching.

You'll see, you'll have it at our wedding.

You wanna bet?

You give me enough time, I can do the same thing with the wedding date.

It needs to be on the weekend, not near any of your birthdays

or the weekend of Comic-Con.

Oh, you can get married at Comic-Con.

"No! "No!

We just need a weekend date that's completely boring and uneventful.

Too bad you didn't get your ducks in a row

'cause tonight would've been perfect.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Good morning.

Good morning.

I know today is Apple Jack's clay, but we're all out.

That's fine. I'll have anything.

- Really? - Yeah.

You know, whatev.

"Whatev?" I like this side of you.

You know what I like?

Smooth jazz.

(SCATTING)

Hey, just a reminder, I'm goin' out for drinks after work.

Great. Just a reminder, you're pregnant.

I'm not drinking, just taking a new co-worker out.

(CHUCKLES) Just a reminder, you're married.

Female co-worker.

She's new in town and I wanna make her feel welcome.

And let her know the office is full of liars

before everyone tells her I'm mean.

Is she single?

I'm not setting her up with Raj.

What about Stuart?

Are you listening? I want her to think I'm not mean.

Okay. Well, it's just, we have two single friends.

Howie, I just met this woman.

Why don't I wait a little and get to know her.

Maybe I won't like her

and then I'd be happy to ruin her life with Stuart or Raj.

That's all I ask.

So you guys lived with Sheldon for a long time.

- Long time. - So very long.

By the way, congratulations again on your engagement.

Yeah, you got a good one.

Thanks. So it's strange,

Sheldon was talking in his sleep last night

and he seemed like a totally different person.

He was relaxed and loose and calm.

Sheldon's a complicated man.

He said "whatev."

Get him a brain scan, that might be a tumor.

Well, I think the wedding planning is really stressful for him

and that can trigger sleep talking.

Maybe this is a part of Sheldon's personality he's been repressing.

Yeah, I think we dream about things we wish we could be in real life.

Really? What do you dream about?

Oh, uh...

Being the wife of Leonard, mostly that.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I choose to believe you.

Well, as much as we've studied the brain,

there's still a lot we don't know about dreams and their function.

You know, even psychologists are divided on it.

Mm, it's true. Freud thought dreams were about sex.

Adler thought they were about dominance.

Then again mine are just about being married to this little guy.

Okay, now it's just edging into mockery.

Well, moving to a new city was a little scary,

but the job seems great. Everyone's really nice.

Oh, they are, super nice.

I mean, only one of them took you out tonight,

but it's not a competition.

Thanks again.

You know, we could've gone somewhere more pregnancy friendly.

Oh, it's okay. One of the great things about being pregnant

is drinking cranberryjuice out of a wine glass

-and watching people freak out. -(RUCHI CHUCKLES)

Bernie!

Oh, damn.

Hey, what are the odds?

Yes, seren-frickin'-dipity.

- Hello, Rajesh. - Stuart.

Hi, Ruchi.

Ruchi is my co-worker,

but that was probably in your briefing packet.

(KEYS CLATTERING)

- Hi. - Hello.

What's wrong?

(SIGHS) Well, I found the perfect wedding date.

That's terrific!

No, it's not, it was May 19th, 1996.

We would've had a lovely wedding

and our honeymoon would have coincided

with the first appearance of the Hale-Bopp comet.

Sheldon, you were 16.

And in Texas, no one would have batted an eye.

Oh, wait, it's no good,

that's the day that Jon Pertwee, the third Doctor Who died.

- And it's in the past. - Hey, I said it's no good,

just let it go.

Sheldon, I appreciate you trying to make this wedding perfect,

but it's making you miserable.

The wedding isn't making me miserable,

the calendar is.

Why can't there just be one week each month

for famous people to die?

Well, they've already arranged to die in threes.

What more do you want from them?

This is so frustrating. Why can't I find the perfect date?

I found the perfect way to say hi to cowboys. (CLICKS TONGUE)

(STUTTERS) I'm just saying, maybe there's a part of you deep down

that just wants to relax a little, you know,

kick back, say "whatev."

"Whatev?"

I'm sorry, are you really not gonna finish that word?

- I'm just trying to make a point. - Finish the word, Amy.

Fine, "er."

Er, er, er.

Thank you, only now you owe me three more "whatevs."

Ah, you were born in Trivandrum.

Have you ever been to the Kuthira Malika Palace?

No, I haven't.

Me either. What a small world! (CHUCKLES)

I've also never been there.

I've never been lots of places. Go on, quiz me.

I'm sorry, we're being rude talking about India.

Oh, yeah, you know, if you and Bernadette wanna talk about America,

that's cool with us.

Here, let me get you started.

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Hamburgers, am I right?

So what do you guys do?

Well, I'm an astrophysicist,

so if you ever go out at night and look up at the stars,

it's kind of my office. (CHUCKLES)

He sells comic books to children.

Actually, I own my own store,

(STUTTERS) if you'd like to check it out sometime,

I'm running a new promotion,

"Buy anything, get taken out for a reasonably-priced dinner."

Yeah, yeah, Stuart's struggling financially,

but he doesn't let that get him down. He believes in himself,

even though the whole world has made it clear he should not.

Thank you,

and you know, Raj, I think it's great

that you no longer live off your parents like a spoiled child.

You live over someone's garage, like a failed adult.

Yeah, well, you live with her.

Oh, it's not like that. He rents a room from me and my husband,

who, by the way is no prize either.

Oh, I don't care.

You know me, I just go with the flow.

Beach, public pool,

they both sound awesome.

SHELDON: (ON SPEAKERS) On second thought, beach,

I'd like to befriend a seagull.

That is crazy.

Yeah. Will you email that to me?

Have you played this for him?

No, I'm worried he'll say I violated his privacy.

Listen, how happy he sounds.

SHELDON". I'm up for anything.

As long as I'm with you.

What're you listening to?

Nothing.

Oh, come on, I wanna hear.

SHELDON: We don't need GPS,

let's just see where the road takes us.

I see why you turned it off,

that guy sounds like an idiot.

Honey, that's you.

Don't be silly. My voice is deep and sonorous,

like a Caucasian James Earl Jones.

"Luke, I'm your father." See.

It is you. I recorded you in your sleep.

SHELDON: Oh, look, a hitchhiker,

I bet he has some interesting stories.

- That's me? - It's you.

So you spied on me in my sleep?

Sheldon, I'm sorry,

you've been doing this every night.

I couldn't help but wonder if it meant something.

- Well, it doesn't. - Are you sure?

I mean, the prefrontal cortex regulates impulse control,

so its plausible that when we're asleep,

aspects of our personality that we repress might come out.

Don't try to put science lipstick on your New Age pig.

And for the record, you make noises when you sleep

and I've never accused you of repressing your inner chainsaw.

If you want me to object at your wedding,

just give me one of these.

This picture of Galactus eating a planet looks like my preggo wife

destroying a coffee cake.

Oh, yeah, I see it.

I'm just saying, you should bow out.

Why should I bow out?

Because we all know how this is gonna end.

That's what my doctor said, too, but I'm still here.

Okay, look, I think that she and I have more in common.

Because you're Indian?

So just 'cause she's brown, you get to date her.

Yes.

And the next time we meet a woman who's pale and cadaver-like, she's all yours.

(SIGHS)

Howard, Bernadette was there last night,

did she say anything when she got home?

Yeah, she said, "Why'd you tell those idiots where I was? Thanks a lot."

Okay, how about we flip a coin?

Hang on, doesn't this girl get a word in all of this

and isn't that word "no"?

Ruchi said she wanted to hang out with both of us,

why don't we just do that?

Oh, fine. Let's hang out as friends and see what happens.

Yeah, and if something grows out of it, just worry about it then.

Also what my doctor said.

Hey, this isn't your laundry night.

(SIGHS) I know, laundry on a Wednesday.

Some madness my life has become.

Why is this sleep talking thing bothering you anyway?

It's simple.

I don't like the idea that my mind

might be keeping an entire personality from me.

Doctor Jekyll's other personality was Mr. Hyde.

Mr. Hyde didn't have a postgraduate degree.

Is it possible that you're stressed

because you're scared about getting married?

I mean, it is a big change and you're not good with little changes.

That's nonsense.

You name one little change I was upset with.

Uh, when they changed the green Skittle from lime to apple.

That is not the rainbow I grew up tasting.

(SIGHS)

All right, fine. Let's start over.

Is it possible

that the sleep talking is a part of your brain that's telling you

everything's gonna be okay and you just need to relax a little?

So, you're proposing that

the self is an illusion.

And that we actually have multiple centers of consciousness

that are communicating with one another?

In layman's terms, yeah.

Huh! Interesting.

So you don't believe there is a Cartesian self

that underlies the flux of experience.

Maybe in my twenties, not anymore.

Okay.

Well assuming you're right,

what would you suggest I do?

Well, I would start with something small.

See if it makes your life any better.

Uh, you could learn to meditate, take a yoga class.

You know, I have always been intrigued by flip-flops,

the official footwear of the laid back fellow.

Okay. Sure.

Of course if my feet are gonna be exposed

I'll need to update my tetanus booster.

Oh, yeah. Makes sense.

And while I'm there, I might as well get a flu shot and a mole check.

Sure. (SIGHS)

You know, I've never had a mole check.

Oh.

Well, it's been nice knowing you.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

It's too bad Stuart couldn't make it. He seemed fun.

Oh, yeah. He is. I love him dearly.

Not to say that I don't worry about him.

What's to worry about?

You know what? I'm talking out of school.

Speaking of which, he's allowed to live near them now.

Hey, guys!

- Oh, great, Stuart, you're here. - Yes, Stuart.

Yeah, I didn't, I didn't think you were gonna make it.

Hmm. I believe that.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Sorry guys, it's work. I've got to take it.

- I'm so glad you made it, Stuart. - Oh, yeah, so glad.

I can't believe you went behind my back.

Which clearly means I want this more.

You wanna play a game of "who's more desperate" with me,

'cause you're in the big leagues now, Bucko.

Look, Ruchi and I are really hitting it off.

Please let me just have this one.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm like a fungus you can't get rid of.

Sorry. So what's going on?

Oh, you just missed Stuart's funny story about the fungus he can't get rid of.

Raj didn't tell me about tonight, so he could be alone with you.

Really? That's a little weird.

Just a little? Because I can work with that.

Look, guys, I'm not interested in dating anyone right now.

I'm just looking to make some friends.

Yeah, I totally understand.

But if you were gonna date someone, would it be me or Stuart?

I think I'm gonna go.

(STUTTERING)

Ruchi, I'm sorry.

If you still wanna hang out as friends, I'd like that.

Thanks, Stuart. I'd like that, too.

And the fungus is under the toenail.

- Hello. - Hey.

So, um...

I, uh...

I got flip-flops.

Good for you.

Oh, my God! What happened?

After I got the flip-flops, I realized

that the tops of my feet were exposed.

So, I put on some sunscreen,

which caused my feet to become slippery.

And predictably, one of them fell off and went down a sewer grate.

Now normally, I would have walked away,

but this is a new, laid back me.

So, instead of getting upset I just reached down to grab it.

That's when I touched something furry.

Which I'm telling myself, was a damp toupee.

When the toupee licked my hand,

I screamed and hopped down the street on my remaining flip-flop.

- Can I just ask-- - This is a long story,

why don't we please save your questions till the end?

So, I finally came upon a bus bench

where I sat and removed one of my shirts

and, fashioned it into a makeshift shoe.

Not a waterproof shoe.

That is relevant to the next part of my story,

the ankle-deep puddle of warm apple juice.

Apple juice?

Maybe, maybe not.

I'm telling myself a lot of things, Amy.

What happened to your other flip-flop?

(STUTTERS) Oh, that involves what I'm telling myself

was a melted candy bar.

(SIGHS)

(STUTTERS) I'm sorry.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Yes.

I want you to be in charge of our wedding.

Just you tell me where and when,

and I will show up with a boutonniere, and close-toed shoes,

and, a Star Trek uniform underneath my tuxedo.

That last part is non-negotiable.

Are you sure that's what you want?

As sure as I'm about to go bathe 'm Pure“.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

You know, ever since I was a young girl,

I've dreamed of a June wedding,

maybe on a cliff

overlooking the ocean at sunset.

Sure.

Sounds wonderful.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go clean up.

Outdoor wedding.

SHELDON: I know what I'll be using that cliff for.

I call this meeting of the Council of Sheldons to order.

Let's take roll.

Science Sheldon.

Present.

Texas Sheldon.

Howdy.

Fanboy Sheldon.

Greetings.

Germophobe Sheldon.

Say it, don't spray it.

Where is Jock Sheldon?

Not the time, Humorous Sheldon.

Okay. New business.

Do we grant Laid-back Sheldon

a seat on the council?

Hey, whatever you guys want.

I'm just chilling like Bob Dylan.

- Negative. - Heck, no.

I don't feel well.

(HONKS)

Can we kick him out, too?

English - SDH