Original subtitles

DAD

And... push!

The little head is peaking out! The little head is peaking out!

No, it'll come out when it has to.

-If you don't push, it never will. -And if I do, my haemorrhoid will burst.

Who would take a laxative just before going on a trip?

When I took it, I didn't know we were going to Tarazona.

You should have told them on the phone.

You don't tell things like this on the phone. It needs to be in person.

Are you okay?

Hey, why not hook up with Gary?

Truth is, I thought he'd be a lot more of a mongol.

And he's actually a hottie. Jesus, it's Juanito's dad!

-You're taking the mickey? -No, no.

No, I'm not taking the mickey. Why not give it a try with him?

I don't fancy him.

It's because he's a retard.

You say "special needs."

Besides, that's not the point.

Remember that I made out with him once.

-But you were totally wired. -Leave me alone.

You act all alternative, but you're totally superficial, dude...

Will you shut up?

Gotcha, Gari!

Wait, wait...

What are you doing?

-You plan on driving? -It's a beer.

The breathalyser won't detect it.

PERFECT LIFE

WHEN YOU OWN UP TO YOUR PARENTS

María Aguado...

Is a so-and-so!

María Aguado...

Is a so-and-so!

-Nice one. -And her mouth is as big as a house.

It's the first time in my life that I made something rhyme.

This is sort of like bullying, you know.

It was a joke.

Hey, do your lot use apps to pick up people?

-I don't understand. -Yeah, you know.

There are apps for straights, gays, lesbians.

-What about your lot? -You don't need to answer.

Quit saying "your lot". Leg down and buckle up.

Know what? You can meet really weird people online.

I prefer face to face, you know?

-Have you had girlfriends? -Yeah, four.

But Nuri was the only serious one.

How long were you with her?

Three wonderful years.

-Why did you split up? -That's personal.

Right, Esther. It's personal.

And belt up once and for all.

Can you give me a hand?

Would you write "I like eating pussy" or "I like performing cunnilingus"?

You don't have to answer that.

You know what cunnilingus is?

Yes.

Stimulating the clitoris with your tongue.

Wow, dude!

Are you really going to hook up in Tarazona?

Give me a break, you're such a pain...

Hi, Xosé!

Where are you?

I'm with María, we're on our way to tell her parents she's pregnant.

Where do they live?

-Tarazona. -In Tarazona?

Yeah.

But Gari...

You can't leave Barcelona like that.

Yeah.

It was sort of an improvised trip.

All right...

And what's the exact address?

Number 8 Aldaraz Street.

-Seven. -Ah, no. seven. Number seven.

Gari...

Do you think it's normal to vanish like that and not take my calls?

Gari...?

Gari!

He hung up.

Can you tell me what I did for him to treat me that way?

We have to go and look for him.

Where? To Tarazona?

We're here.

Let's go back. I'm going to upset them.

No way. They'll love being grandparents, silly.

No, no. You don't understand.

The wedding was so important for them.

Remember the fuss when I told them I didn't want a church wedding?

My parents are super Catholic, like, super.

Especially my mum.

I can see it already. Dad will start crying,

Mum will look at me like when she looks at you.

What look?

Like you're a lost cause.

Right...

Okay, so what do you suggest?

What do we do, huh?

You arrive and just let it rip without thinking too much.

Okay, you're right.

Hang on,

can you tell?

Yeah.

They'll be able to tell.

You're gonna tell them.

It's always open.

Dad, Mum!

-José Antonio! -Good grief!

-You gave me a fright. -What's up?

-How are you both? -Surprise, Dad!

-But what are you doing here? -We came to see you.

-All right... -How are you?

Fine, really great.

This is Gari, a friend.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

And this is our dad, José Antonio.

And Gustavo didn't come?

Gustavo is working.

-On Saturday? -Yep.

Companies now, you know, the poor guy is...

What about all of this food?

I bought a food processor.

-Really? -Yes.

-You couldn't be bothered to cook. -Yes, but now the processor does it.

There's an app here, you go on the website.

It's really addictive.

Right now I'm making sardines with dark brown bulgur.

But why are you making so much food? It'll go off.

No, no. Look.

Half of this goes in the freezer.

That way, we have food for the whole week.

Look, I made pumpkin cream soup with ricotta.

-Cod with pil pil sauce... -Dad...

What?

Where's Mum?

Mum... Mum.

All right, let's see...

Your mother has...

Has what?

She has...

She has a crisis of faith.

She's been in the study for three days.

Says she no longer believes in God.

And that Jesus Christ never existed.

And that if he did exist, he might have been a crook.

And what can we do?

What?

Mum.

What are you doing here?

Dad says you're an apostate!

Did you know there are historians who say Jesus didn't even exist?

When did you last shower?

Then there are others who believe he could have been several people.

"The historical figure of Jesus, if he existed,

could have been a messianic king, a Pharisee, a shaman from Galilee

or a Hellenistic scholar."

The New Testament is based on a farce.

That hairstyle doesn't suit you.

Hang on...

A crisis of faith is one thing,

being holed up here without washing is another.

Come on, in the bathtub. Move.

You don't know how glad I am you didn't listen to me

and are having a civil ceremony.

You make me so happy, love.

Ouch...

A stomach cramp.

-Oh. -I have diarrhoea.

Be right back.

Give me a hug.

-You're so beautiful! -Oh, sweetheart.

You're like a philosophy student.

Do you know what I think?

I'm really proud of you.

Isn't that my painting?

I'm too tied up with this subject, you better ask your dad...

Talk to him.

I don't believe it.

-Do you work with María at the surgery? -No.

Where do you work?

-Somewhere else. -Where?

Err, somewhere.

What's this about, Dad?

You took down my painting and hung up a turtle, huh?

We didn't know you were coming.

You didn't know...?

So you only hang it up when I come?

No, that's not it. It doesn't go with the décor here.

And this really does, right?

I'll go and fetch the painting and hang it up.

Bollocks! Don't do it out of pity.

-It isn't out of pity, sweetheart. -What is it?

You're ashamed to hang it there?

Ashamed? But why would I be ashamed?

All right, you don't like it, then.

Do you like my painting or not, Dad?

Look, it's not important if I like it or not.

People have to like it.

-Dad. -What?

Tell me the truth.

Listen, I always told you you should have done a degree.

Here we go again. Fine Arts is a degree!

But there aren't many job opportunities.

The proof is that you're not making a living.

Well you were sure proud of me when I won La Caixa award!

And I still am, sweetheart. But that was 15 years ago.

-The thing is, you've never supported me. -Please don't say that.

Your Mum and I give you 600 euros a month.

-Right. -And I don't mind.

What worries me is that you're almost 40

and you still act like a teenager.

You know what? I don't need your money.

And I'm your daughter, okay!

As a father, you have the moral duty to always have my painting on the wall!

Not just when I come. Always.

I painted it with a lot of love!

I even made you look handsome! Jesus!

That fucking turtle is as ugly as shit!

Don't ever have children.

Hi, it's Gari. I can't answer right now. Call again later, thanks.

Look, I'm not angry, okay?

Why not call me and we can talk about it calmly?

All right. Speak soon.

It's delicious, Dad.

Thanks, love.

By the way...

You need to talk with your sister.

I think she's a bit depressed.

That's between you guys. She only gets like that here.

Are you religious?

Mum...

That's personal.

I'm Jewish.

-Are you Jewish? -Yes.

My grandparents were French Jews.

The Jews, they were swindled too!

No one gets off here.

-And do you speak French? -Un petit peu...

mais je ne pratique pas.

I spent summers in Saint Jean Pied de Port,

at my grandmother's house, in France.

Do you have children?

No.

And if you have them one day, will you cut off their...

Would you?

I don't know.

-We'd need to discuss it... -With the mother.

He'd discuss it with the mother.

-Yes, with the mother, of course. -Not with you.

It's just a question, no need to get like that.

I don't know what you're on about.

You're very sharp.

Same as you.

Aroa...

Sorry, I'm eating.

Hey, I'm in Tarazona.

What are you up to?

Fancy having a drink or something?

Maybe it's a bit early, but...

A few beers and some appetizers?

-Okay. Because I... -Lower your voice!

Okay, okay.

What I don't understand...

-Shush! -...is why you made me come...

if you're not going to tell your parents.

Are you circumcised?

You should already know that, right?

Me?

-Well, okay. I didn't notice. -Oh.

But are you or not?

Yes, because I'm Jewish.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because you didn't ask.

Don't you think I should know?

I didn't know you were Catholic.

-Well, because I don't practice. -Me neither.

All right, whatever.

Do you want to cut off your son's foreskin?

Look, María. Judaism is a thing

that is passed on from mother to child, not father to child. Understand?

Tell me your life story right now.

Don't let them score!

You can do it, Inés!

Come on, come on!

How's life in Barcelona?

Fucking brilliant.

-Yeah, really cool. -It must be awesome.

Bohemian lifestyle, big parties, showbiz bashes.

-Orgies... -You're so stupid.

She went to Barcelona, not New York.

Was that a foul? Umpire!

Umpire, keep your eyes peeled!

What are you doing?

Smells good, but quit that...

-A joint. -There are kids everywhere.

All right, I don't know. How about we smoke it later?

I don't smoke anymore.

Because you're preggers.

Your mummy and me used to get out of our heads, girls!

Incredible, dude. We were such teaheads.

Know what? The guy who sold us hash is now a teacher here.

It's true!

That Chinese guy from Loghan? The one with the hair...?

Let's go to Loghan.

Let's go to Loghan.

-Now? -Yeah.

We can't go to Loghan.

Let us know next time and we'll look for a babysitter.

Besides, we're going to see the latest Pixar film now.

-We are going? -Come with us!

-Sure. -Come on.

¡Holy shit!

Hi, it's Gari. I can't answer right now. Call again later, thanks.

I'm getting sick of this!

I've been calling you all day!

Please pick up!

I'm living in a supervised flat at the moment...

with Richi and Nata, my best mates.

Nuri lived with us up to a year ago, but not anymore.

-In the car you said Nuri was your ex. -Yeah.

Why did you split up?

-Why do you want to know that? -Because we're bonding.

We need to talk about this stuff.

You can ask me whatever you want. Go ahead.

Err...

-Your favourite colour? -Turquoise.

-But questions like that aren't... -No?

They have to be more personal.

It's like...

If you ask me about Gustavo, I'd say that he left me

because I asked him to give me an enema before having anal sex.

Your turn.

Your turn.

Oh, okay.

Let's see. Well...

Nuri left me...

because she fell in love with someone else.

Oh, sorry.

No, it's all right. It's not your fault.

Sorry about your relationship, too.

Honestly.

-You see? -What?

We're connecting.

Can you tell? I can.

-Yeah. -Let's carry on.

Does death frighten you?

The usual.

It disturbs me.

My mum choked on a piece of chocolate

and Dad had to perform that manouevre where they squeeze you here...

-Yeah, when... -It has a name.

-And... -LikeMrs. Doubtfire.

-Have you seen it? -No.

Doesn't matter.

-Do you get on well with your dad? -Yeah.

Do you have other family?

Do you have phobias?

-Did you always want to be a gardener? -No.

I thought that I'd like to be

the person who organises

metropolitan bus and metro routes.

And what do you like doing?

Have you ever had sex with other disabled guys?

-What's your shoe size? -Thirty-seven.

Mine is...

forty-two.

What does it feel like carrying our baby?

-Can I touch it? -Sure you can.

Hiya.

Listen, María...

Do you want to?

-Do I want to what? -Bring him up in religion?

No.

Neither do I.

Are you allergic to anything?

I am.

Oh, yeah?

To papaverine.

It's a drug that's no longer used,

but if they gave it to me, it could be dangerous.

Say it.

-Huh? -Papaverine.

Papaverine.

Yeah, papaverine.

-All right, are we done? -No, no.

Now you have to tell me all about your childhood.

Okay.

The petrol station!

He said the second after the roundabout.

If we're on a dirt track, where do you think it leads?

He said it was quicker this way.

-The GPS says it's the other way... -The GPS has no idea!

All right, forget it.

Is that the car?

Crap, crap!

Jesus, I'm his dad. Why doesn't he pick up?

Because he wants to deal with it himself.

Gari isn't a kid anymore. He's 32.

Wasn't that what we were working towards?

So he could be independent.

Dealing with this responsibly and courageously

is bloody amazing for a person with his disability.

And that's thanks to you.

You should feel proud.

Of him and of yourself.

Having a kid is too much for him.

Having a kid can be too much for anyone.

Don't you think so?

SEND A SMILE!

Hang on, dude. Wait, wait.

-What? -I need to pee.

-Seriously? Now? -Yeah.

-Bloody hell! -I've had five beers.

-I'll be right back. -Don't be long.

Yeah, right. Bloody hell.

Here I am.

What?

What's up?

Latin?

You're nosey, dude.

So...

-What are you doing? -Driving you home. Just what I needed.

If the police stop me, I'm screwed.

But it's not illegal at 17!

And besides, I turn 18 in October.

You can't go around fooling people.

Everyone lies online. Like you're really 35?

What does it matter: 24 or 17?

It's illegal.

It's not illegal.

Okay, it's not illegal.

It's not illegal.

It's not illegal.

It's not illegal.

It's not illegal!

It's not illegal!

And then I joined Jardinarte.

And after that, I met you...

and got you pregnant.

End of story.

Fine.

-Did you like it? -I liked it a lot.

-We've become close in one afternoon. -Yeah.

And I'm glad.

Now we know a lot of things about each other.

I feel much better.

Great. I'm really glad, María.

Well, actually, no.

No? Why not?

Because...

Is it my fault?

No, no.

-Oh. -No, no.

This is a bit weird, isn't it?

We're going to have a baby and we hardly know each other.

A moment ago you said that now we know more stuff about each other.

Yes, all right. But...

Actually...

I don't know.

Didn't you picture having a child

with someone who would be your partner?

I guess so, sure.

Sure, right?

It's what people imagine.

Don't you think that maybe we should be a couple?

I'm not saying we have to be one,

but maybe you thought it was the ideal situation.

-I did, a little bit. -Yeah, I thought about it as well.

But I don't want to.

-Why not? -Because of stuff.

-What stuff? -Things.

Tell me what they are.

Dunno.

What things?

Like...

I don't fancy you.

-How come you don't fancy me? -Like...

I don't think you're pretty.

What?

I don't think you're pretty.

-Sorry. -No need to be sorry.

Oh, okay.

I wasn't asking you to go out with me.

-Really? -No, I was just being honest.

Oh, okay.

Not saying I'd like to be your girlfriend.

No, I didn't mean that. I mean...

Why don't you think I'm pretty?

Can we go now?

Yes, but you have to tell me why you think I'm not.

Okay, okay.

-Can we... -You slept with me, remember?

Because I'd been drinking, let's go.

Yes, okay.

And I was drugged when we did it. Don't get the idea that...

-You know? -Right...

-No one's perfect. -All right...

Why don't you like me physically?

Because you have bulging eyes.

I have nice eyes. Lots of people say so.

All right, your nose is a bit weird.

And so because someone has a weird nose they're not pretty?

-You talk... -As if a nose is all there is.

All right, you talk a lot.

Right, because I like chatting.

Yeah, okay.

Your nose isn't exactly...

-Is it this way? -That way.

If you get hungry or thirsty,

-you know where the kitchen is, right? -Yeah, okay.

Good night, then.

Good night.

Papaverine.

What?

Your allergy.

See you in the morning.

See you in the morning.

You have 34 new messages.

Last message.

Hi, it's me again.

I know I've been a bit of a pain today.

I just wanted to say I love you...

and trust you.

Okay, bye. Let's talk soon.

Fuck!

NOCTURNAL PERFUMED

EMOTIONAL PARALYSIS

-Mery. -What?

Are you awake?

Yes.

I still didn't tell them.

Don't worry, you will.

Do you think I have a weird nose?

Come off it!

You have an Aguado nose.

How so?

It's not important.

Can I touch your belly to relax?

Sure.

Hi, Juanito.

Don't call him Juanito.

-It's not his name. -What do you want me to call him?

Whatever you want, but I don't like Juanito.

-Hi, little foetus. -Not that, either.

-God, what then? -Well...

-Nephew. -Juanito.

Hey, he moved!

-I've got wind. -You bastard!

One with onion for my sweetheart.

And another without.

For your sister.

Thanks.

-Morning. -Hi.

-Where have you been? -I went jogging.

-Since when do you go jogging? -Since I quit going to mass.

Father Carlos asked after you.

What did you tell him?

That you wanted to apostatise.

-Perfect. -Want some?

Yes, please.

I slept like a log.

I love this painting.