Original subtitles

[upbeat music] choir: * Bop-bop *

* Bop-bop, ooh, bop-bop *

* Bop-bop *

- * In the army I saw horror *

* Saw good men die *

* They made me wear long pants *

* It brought tears to my eyes * choir: * Bop-bop *

- * I shot at Nazis *

* Sure I missed a few * choir: * Bop-bop *

- * But what does it matter *

choir: * Bop * - * I got home to you *

* And my biggest wipeout of them all *

* Was not answering when I heard love's call *

all: * Not answering love's call *

- * Yeah, yeah *

[cheers and applause]

- Yo, are you crying, man?

- Yeah.

- Me too.

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, cowabunga, everybody!

A couple of quick announcements.

The parking lot is tot--ahh!

[thud] [groaning]

Somebody, help me, but don't call an ambulance!

I can't afford it.

[grunting]

Hey, stop filming and help!

Ahh!

Don't look!

My groin has been suctioned into a tuba!

[school bell rings]

- * When I wake up in the mornin' *

* Alarm gives out a warnin' *

* I don't think I'll ever make it on time *

[school bell ringing]

* By the time I grab my books *

* And I give myself a look *

* I'm at the corner just in time *

* It's all right, it's all right *

* Saved by the bell, it's all right *

* It's all right, saved by the bell *

* It's all right *

* 'Cause I'm saved by the bell *

[school bell ringing]

[upbeat music]

- [laughs quietly]

- You texting Jamie again?

- Yeah, but just about football stuff.

- Mm, by football stuff, do you mean going to third base?

- That's baseball.

Learn about the sport I play.

- I can't, okay? It's too boring.

Listen, I know you're in love with Jamie.

- [scoffs] No, I'm not.

I mean, yes, Jamie is superhot,

but I don't like him.

He's too dumb for me to date anyway.

Right?

- Well, he did once ask me if skeletons are real.

- Still, there's no denying

you two would make a really cute couple.

- You have never talked to us on the bus before.

- Or taken off your headphones.

Or used the word cute. Are you okay?

- I mean, can't a guy just be in a good mood?

- Oh, hell no, he's scaring me.

* *

- Hey, G. - Hey.

- I know you're riding high after a stunning performance

this weekend, but brace yourself.

Tanner's review in the Bayside Bugle

is about to drop any moment.

- So? - [scoffs] "So?"

Tanner's reviews are famously cruel.

His takedown of "Annie" was so savage,

the dog who played Sandy

ate a giant chocolate bar on purpose.

- Lexi, it's fine.

I don't care what same stranger says.

- Wow, what a healthy outlook.

He'll hurt you the most.

* *

- This weekend in the hospital, I had an epiphany.

When did we all become slaves to these?

Seriously, think about it.

When was the last time you had a face-to-face conversation?

When was the last time you went into nature

and stuck your hand into a hole in a tree

just to see what was there?

Indeed-- - Hey, man.

We gotta go to class. - All right.

I'm banning cell phones.

I need all of you to take the kids' phones away.

[people groaning]

And I'm limiting Internet access

on all computers to just Weather.com

and a blog that I like about the First Punic War.

- Ron, I get the appeal of all this,

but phones are not necessarily a bad thing.

Research shows kids today are doing less drugs,

getting in fewer fights, and having less sex.

- Nerds.

- And this definitely isn't because everyone posted videos

of you breaking your penis in the orchestra pit, right?

- No, and phones are banned!

[people grumbling]

* *

- [laughing]

- Whoever you're texting must be pretty funny.

Who is it, Gabriel Iglesias or your boyfriend, Jamie?

- Oh, my God, stop. I don't like Jamie.

I mean, look at this.

- How did he make "hallway" harder to spell?

- I know!

Jamie is hot,

but even if he did like me,

I could never date this dummy.

[phone dings] Oh, I hit audio record.

Yikes. Wouldn't want to send that.

[phone chirps] Oh, God.

I sent that to him.

Take it back, Siri! Take it back!

- Sorry, new policy.

You'll get your phone back at the end of the day.

- No! You can't... - Calm down.

Life only gets worse.

* *

- But Tanner's review.

How am I supposed to read it and anonymously bully him

in the comments section without my phone?

- I have a way.

- Wait, you have two phones? - Hell yeah.

My parents track my location,

so I pay a nerd to take that one to the library,

and this one comes with me.

You can use it, but it'll cost you.

- Oh, if you're asking me to break Jennifer's leg,

done and done.

- No, 25¢ a minute.

- Here.

"Surf's up? More like, that sucked."

Damn.

That's undeniably catchy wordplay.

Here.

- Wow.

He hated the singing, the acting,

the costumes, the sets...

Oh, wait. He liked the lighting.

- Oh. - Never mind.

Just the part at the end when they went out

and he knew the show was over.

- Look, I'll take care of this.

- Another 25¢, please.

- Are you kidding?

No one just carries around a bunch of loose change.

- Then what goes in a purse?

* *

- I can't believe I sent that.

This is a disaster.

- Maybe Jamie's phone got taken away before he saw it.

- Yeah. That's a possibility.

- Oh.

- Aisha, let's stop playing games.

Well, I mean, except for football.

And also, you should know that I'm full-on addicted

to "Call of Duty," but what I'm trying to say is,

will you go to dinner with me tonight?

- Life's so short. Let's make it lunch.

- Lunch. That's even more romantic.

- If only I had my phone, I'd destroy Tanner

in the comments section.

It took me less than three words

to get Jeremy Renner to quit his music career.

- Well, well, well.

It sure is nice knowing my tough but fair

but brutal but true review of the play

is up on the Internet going undisputed.

Not a comment in sight.

- You better watch out, Tanner,

or I'll leave a comment to your face.

- Oh, I'd love to see you try.

- Hey, Lexi, who cares?

Just back off, man.

- Like you backed off those high notes

Friday night? - [scoffs]

- Okay.

It's not a good idea to get in my face like that.

- Oh, I'm sorry,

you don't quite pull off intimidating bully,

just like you didn't have the range

for beloved surf soldier Bernard Kahunski.

- Just get out of here, dude. - [shouting]

Journalism under attack! Ooh!

Everybody look at this bully bullying me!

Close the door!

* *

- Now, I know for a fact that Selena Gomez's

kidney donor was Justin Bieber's mom.

God, I wish that I had my phone so that I could prove it.

- Prove what, that you're an idiot?

It was Demi Lovato's kidney.

They're best friends, like you and I were

up until this morning.

- Oh, use your brain, Nadia.

- Like. Like that outfit.

- Because, 'cause their organs

are the property of the Walt Disney Company!

- Please. That's what you believe?

- Oh, that is what I believe.

You better believe that that is what I believe.

- Hey, buddy.

- Why are you hiding in a closet?

- I'm not hiding. I'm in here

so that people do know where I am.

I'm the only person in school that has a phone,

and kids are willing to pay to use said phone.

But how are they to find me?

Solution: I stay in this closet all day.

- So you've become a pay phone? - No, no, no.

This is a very complicated scheme

that is not pay phone related.

- Yeah--

- Is this the phone I can pay to use?

- It is, just insert your quarter into the slot.

* *

- I'm sorry, but why are we here?

- He's here because he's in trouble.

You, I don't know.

I've asked you repeatedly to leave.

- I'm shook. Devante barely pushed Tanner.

- Unfortunately, it's not that easy.

Tanner's mom is the president of the PTA,

and she's asking the school board

for the most severe punishment available.

- Oh, no.

He cannot go on your podcast, Toddman.

Every episode is a two-hour dive into a different

Steely Dan song-- it's inhumane.

- She's asked for expulsion.

- Oh.

Well, that's bad too.

* *

- Don't worry, D.

I got a nerd to help us figure this out.

- Who, Mervin?

Oh, me. Tell me what happened.

- Okay, so we had just read Tanner's theater review.

Wait, back up. Do you know who Tanner is?

Wait, back up. Do you know what theater is?

Not what people think it is but what it really is.

- Okay, this will go a lot faster

if Devante just explains it.

What happened?

- Yo.

- Bet. Let's go.

* *

- I wish you had just come to me, Jade,

instead of going directly to the school board.

- Why?

So you could sweep an act of student violence

under the rug?

- Nobody's sweeping anything under the rug.

You demanded a disciplinary hearing this morning.

It's happening this afternoon.

- Your Honor, speaking as the highest elected authority

in the sophomore class,

I motion for an immediate dismissal.

[record scratches]

I've seen, like, 1,000 episodes of "Law and Order,"

even the weird ones with Jeff Goldblum.

- Uh, Daisy, this is just a hearing.

It's not a trial.

- Right, no need for lawyers.

I mean, I am one, and I will be there.

- Again, this is not a trial.

It's a hearing in front of a panel

of school board administrators.

- Couldn't agree more. Not a trial.

See you in court.

[tense music]

- Devante, you really should have an adult here

to speak on your behalf.

I've called your grandmother, but I haven't heard back.

Now, we could get you a school-appointed adult,

but just so that you know, it is Slater.

- Nah, I'm good.

* *

- This is so nice, Jamie.

Maybe too nice.

I mean, you don't really know me.

I could be the kind of person

who says mean things behind people's back for no reason.

- No, I couldn't imagine that, and I'm great at imagining.

Here, check it out.

Blue cat on a bike.

He just ate a pizza. [chuckles]

- Oh, you are good at that. - Thank you.

- Oh, I hope it's okay.

I ordered for us.

- How'd you know?

- Because I listen to you,

and also because your Instagram handle is,

"Get you someone who looks at you like

I look at pigs in a blanket."

[both laugh] It's funny.

That's how I imagine you laughing when you text "lol."

all: Ooh!

- Stop eavesdropping, pervs.

- We're not.

We're the Bayside a cappella group.

[all singing]

* Ooh, baby, I love your way, every day, yeah *

- [sighs] This is so fun.

We should do it again tomorrow.

- Uh, yeah, Jamie,

what would you want to do together

if we only had today?

Like, I was gonna die tomorrow

or more specifically at 3:00 p.m. today

when we get our phones back.

- Oh, that's easy.

I'd like to spend your final hours

having the most perfect, romantic day of all time.

- Yeah, uh, me too.

all: Aww.

- That time, we were just listening.

- This is so wrong.

A same-day hearing for one shove?

This would never happen to a Bayside student.

- Yeah, I see Bayside kids literally flush

each other's heads down the toilets

every single day and not do a thing to stop it.

- Exactly. Wait, what?

- Look, we know Devante is a good kid.

Can't we just tell this Jade to go kick rocks

like I did with my landlord?

- Because it's not just Jade.

Every day I'm getting voicemails

from parents who are not happy

about the Douglas students being here.

I thought it was going to calm down by now.

It's just gotten worse, and the last thing we need

is to give them something else to be mad about.

- So you're willing to sacrifice Devante

to appease these people?

He's just a scapegoat to you.

- Jessie, we can't call people that anymore.

- Listen, I hate this.

I care about all these kids,

but this hearing, it's happening.

I don't know what else to do.

- Wait.

What do you think scapegoat means?

* *

- Come on, Devante.

Work with us here.

Why can't you just ask your grandma?

- 'Cause there's no point. - Look.

Without a parent here to protect you,

Jade is gonna eat you alive

and then spin off the calories on her Peloton.

- Lexi, I am not calling my grandma.

She's a sick old lady who lives an hour away,

and she knows how these things go.

- You have to fight for yourself, for your dreams,

for the rap party sponsored by Gatorade Red Chill.

- No. No, this is on me.

I let my guard down.

I messed up.

Now it's hopeless.

* *

- I've never been hopeless in my life.

* *

Like, I still have hope that Bella and The Weeknd

will get back together...

and I'm the one who broke them up.

* *

[indistinct chatter]

[curious music]

* *

- I'm so bored from not being able to play Crossy Road.

I wonder what heroin's like.

- Did you find anything?

- Um, the last time

someone got expelled from Bayside was 1971,

and he was a member of the Manson family, so...

it doesn't really apply here. - Okay.

Well, Devante is still refusing to call his grandma.

- Well, maybe there's a reason

he doesn't want to get her involved.

- Yeah, 'cause he's given up.

Look, at Bayside, when you're in trouble,

you call your parents, and they come fix it.

I pushed Ms. Mandrake into the La Brea Tar Pits,

and after my dad got involved,

she had to pay for my dry cleaning.

Now, if Devante doesn't call his grandmother, I will.

- It sounds like you two need a phone.

Oh, you looking at my cord?

Yeah, people kept trying to run off with my phone,

so I devised a security system.

- You are a pay phone.

- No, I'm not. I'm an inventor.

- The only thing you've invented

is a new way to be selfish.

The school is falling apart, Mac,

and your instinct is to extort everyone?

If you're such a genius, think of a way to help Devante.

- Okay, we've wasted enough time.

I'm getting Devante's grandmother now.

Okay, so here's the thing,

I don't have a phone or an address,

and I can't get anywhere without a phone.

- I can draw you a map. - Ew.

- I can come with you. - Double ew.

Okay, fine. I'm gonna get the car.

- Hey, uh, what are you guys doing?

- Ooh, we're living like we only have today

for some reason.

- Oh, fun. Aisha, can I talk to you?

You know this can't last.

He's gonna get his phone back. - Not till 3:00 p.m.

Just let me live like there's no tomorrow, bitch.

Okay? Please.

- Okay. Bye, Daisy.

[upbeat music]

- * Ooh, baby, I love your way *

- That looks like a penis.

[both laugh]

- It does.

- * Wanna tell you I love your way *

[both laughing]

- What are you doing here?

Do not use the emergency safety shower for sexy fun!

- * Yeah *

* *

- I would like to submit into evidence

this reenactment of today's assault.

[tense music]

* *

- Hey, Tanner!

Say I'm a good singer or I'll kill you.

* *

- We have brought you counsel.

- What did you do?

- We got your grandma.

You needed someone to fight for you.

* *

- All right.

I heard they're trying to expel you.

I'll save everyone some time.

I'm pulling Devante out of this school.

- What?

I thought you were gonna fix this.

- Oh, baby, I just did.

* *

- I am dying without texting.

I have the hottest goss and need to spill.

- I'm not selfish.

I'm a nice inventor.

I'm so not a pay phone.

[sings three notes]

If you'd like to continue this call,

please insert another 25¢.

- So Tanner and Abby hooked up Friday night,

and afterwards, he totally ghosted her.

Yeah, they went to the Kanye concert,

and after he sang "Runaway,"

Abby looked over, and Tanner had...run away.

- Okay, Grandma Doris was a bust.

I mean, she did tell me a really cool story

about hooking up with someone named Bootsy Collins,

but I really thought she was gonna fight for him

or at least threaten Toddman or something.

- Lexi, I knew you were trying to help,

but you only know how Bayside works for kids like you.

You're asking Devante and his grandma

to believe in a system that's screwed them over before.

[door opens]

- I played your sick little game, Daisy.

I figured out how to save our friend.

- What, how? - What would you give me

if I could selflessly provide you information

that could get Devante off the hook?

- It's not selfless if you're asking

for something in return. - All right. Okay.

Sorry, I'm new at this. Let me try again.

I know how to save Devante, but it'll cost you.

Mm. No, it won't. One more time.

I will do this out of the goodness of my heart..

- Aww.

- For just 3 easy payments of $25.99.

- Dude, come on. - I'm sor--I'm trying so hard.

- Okay, just tell us. - Okay.

Tanner went to the Kanye concert with Abby

on Friday night, meaning he did not go to the play

and the whole review is a sham.

- Oh, my God, Mac, that's it.

We can threaten to expose Tanner and ruin his career

as a high school theater critic

if he doesn't drop his fake-ass charges.

- But how do we prove it?

- I bet that thirstoid, Abby,

has photos of them at the concert on her phone.

- Which is in the room with all of the other phones!

We should break into the phone room to get her phone,

and you know, if Jamie's phone gets damaged

beyond repair in the process,

that is a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

- Me too. - Okay.

You guys go get the phone.

I'm gonna go talk to D, get him to buy us some time.

- Cool, let's go. - Follow me.

Wait.

Hey, wait, guys.

[coins clinking]

[groans]

- Okay, so I have good news and bad news.

The good news is while Mac was a pay phone

he found a way to clear your name.

- That's the good news?

Oh, no.

- The bad news is me.

Jade is a racist skeleton slathered in Juvederm,

but I'm supposed to be your friend.

I spent all day dismissing

how exhausting and painful this must be.

You know, I realized what Tanner did to you

wasn't just uncool, it was dangerous.

I mean, do you even want to stay at a school

full of Tanners and Jades and me's?

- No.

I guess this is goodbye.

Of course I want to stay here, dumdum.

Look, Lexi, you're not a Tanner or a Jade.

You're my friend.

The play was fun,

and I kind of like it here at Bayside.

Also, I refuse to meet

an entire new group of white people.

- Okay, but what do we do?

I mean, we need time to find evidence against Tanner,

and your grandma is signing your withdrawal paperwork

as we speak.

- Well, maybe I can get her

to restart the trial and buy us some time.

- Do you think she'll agree to that?

I mean, you said it yourself, she has no reason to believe

this will work out in your favor.

Do you even believe it?

- It doesn't matter what I believe.

I just gotta convince her.

- Well, it's a good thing you're the greatest actor

this school has ever seen.

Second greatest. I go here.

Third greatest-- Kristen Stewart went here

and she doesn't get enough credit.

- [yelps]

[shudders]

- Hey, Mac.

[tense music]

* *

Oh, hey, that's my phone.

You can go through it if you want.

The passcode is 8008, boob.

- Wait, you don't care if I go through your phone?

- No. - That's crazy.

There's not weird stuff on here you don't want me to see?

- Oh, yeah, there definitely is,

but what's the point of starting a relationship

if it's not from a place of complete trust, you know?

- Oh, come on.

Every relationship starts with a couple little lies, right?

You've never done that before?

- No, of course not.

Aisha, we just spent the most perfect day together.

Why would I ruin that be deceiving you?

- You're right.

I know Jamie's hot, but even if he did like me,

I could never date this dummy.

* *

- Oh.

- Oh, look, I found Abby's phone.

- So I'm just gonna, uh, yeah. - Jamie.

- We are going to get Devante into another good school.

I promise I'm gonna do everything in my power.

- Do you have any power? - No.

- Grandma, I don't want to leave Bayside.

Look, I know we've been here before

and it always goes the same: bad.

But I still think we should fight

because I think we can win.

- So you're telling me you think a trial

run by that

is gonna work in your favor?

[inspirational music]

- Yes.

- Okay, baby. Let's try it.

- Well, it's gonna take

a whole other set of paperwork to restart this hearing.

- Oh... Mm.

Son of a bitch.

- Thanks so much for your help, guys.

I'll be sure to leave positive reviews

on your TaskRabbit pages.

- Oh, thank you.

So you'll be at my one-man show, right?

- No. Thank you.

- The hearing is back on.

* *

- But we already won.

- We are talking about a kid's future here,

and we're at least gonna give him a fair shot.

- Well, if I'm giving my statement,

I will need my statement cane.

* *

- Looking for this?

- We know you weren't at the play on Friday.

- And if we release this photo, your career

as a high school theater critic is over.

- But criticism is my calling,

and I can't be a food critic.

I'm allergic to every food.

- Aw. - Fine.

What are your demands?

- Your mom has to go on a date with me.

- What? - What? Mac!

- Sorry, it's an instinct. You owe us nothing.

- No, still wrong. - Sorry.

[upbeat music]

- Okay. We're ready to fight.

- There's no need.

Tanner said he exaggerated his story.

The hearing is off.

- Well, why didn't anybody come get me?

Look at my tiny arthritic hand.

- Also, as punishment for lying,

Tanner will receive a two-week suspension

and will have to appear on my podcast.

Come on, guys.

- No, please!

I'd rather get the chair!

- Okay. I love you. - Love you too.

- Hey, D, you did it.

- This was all you guys. Thanks.

- You're welcome.

I wanted to selflessly help you sooner,

but Daisy made me be a pay phone.

* *

- I am so happy this is over.

- But is it?

- I don't know.

I'm afraid Jade is just getting started.

- This isn't over, Toddman. I am just getting started.

- Started. I know.

We were just actually talking about that.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Hey.

Um...I'm so sorry.

I only said what I said

'cause I knew that I liked you

and I didn't know if you felt the same way.

I was the one who was dumb for saying--

- You know what? Save it.

Because you're right.

I am hot,

and sometimes I can be dumb,

like right now, for instance.

I'm being dumb enough to think that the amazing day

we just had together means more than one bad text.

[thumping dance music]

* *

indistinct chatter]

[fire crackling]

* *

- Jessie was right.

Without phones,

the kids have become drug-addled sex fiends.

For the love of God,

we've got to give the children their phones back!

[funky upbeat dance music]

* *