Original subtitles

Dear diary, got my first starring role on Broadway today!

Okay, even I don't believe that.

Just wanted to see how it looked.

Jessie, I can't sleep.

Oh, want me to tell you one of my Army sleepy-time stories?

How about Good Night, Platoon?

I just want to fall asleep, not die of boredom.

Milk it is.

And tomorrow night, we're gonna read from the Big Book of Manners.

Jessie's diary...

No, I shouldn't read this...

(READING) "Got a smoothie today,

"and they gave me what was left in the blender for free!"

Wow, even her secrets are boring.

"Found the perfect thank you gift for Bertram..."

(DOOR OPENS)

Here you go. Sure you don't want to hear Are You My Major?

No, thanks. I'm good.

How about Cloudy With a Chance of Paratroopers?

I'm already asleep!

Well, F-Y-I, I drank out of the carton. Enjoy my backwash!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Okay, everyone, I know we're all excited about our new morning webcast,

What Up, Walden?

By everyone, do you mean me?

Because we are the only people here.

And I wouldn't be, if I hadn't lost rock, paper, scissors

to the conversational Spanish teacher.

Curse you, Senora Feinberg!

Hey, guys. I'm here to audition for the sportscaster.

Talk to the producer, Ravi.

(EXCITED) I am the producer?

It was either you or that chair.

So I got the job?

That depends. What qualifications do you have?

Well, this...

A really cool sportscaster name, Diesel Touchdown,

and charisma for days.

The only thing you have for days is gas after you eat sauerkraut.

Seriously, what is going on in there?

Hi, news team! This just in.

Me!

Emma, are you trying out for What Up, Walden?

I don't have to try. I've got this.

So you both have faces. Mazel tov.

Being on What Up, Walden? could launch my brilliant career in infotainment!

Infotainment is not even a word.

Try telling petite media giant Kelly Ripa that!

Whoa, babe alert!

Emma!

Bryn "Back-stabbing" Breitbart,

if you're here, who's taking care of your flying monkeys?

Emma, aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?

Diesel Touchdown, sports.

Ow!

She's not my friend! She's the one who tried to steal all my friends!

Look, Emma, I am so sorry. I was horrible to you.

But I promise I've learned my lesson,

and I really want to start over.

Well, I don't.

I'm not asking to be BFF's, but can we at least be F's?

Well... Please!

Please, please, please, please?

Oh, okay! I hate holding grudges.

The stress gives me pimples.

Good decision. As the producer, I cannot put on people with pimples.

Emma, Bryn, you two will be co-anchors.

What do you think, Ms. Devlin?

I think I should get in my car and just keep driving.

(SNORING)

Bertram!

(SCREAMING)

Bertram, are you okay?

I will be as soon as I get my heart started. (GRUNTING)

And there we go.

(SIGHS)

I read something in Jessie's diary!

(GASPS) Stop right there. That's invading her privacy. I don't want to hear it.

She got you a present! Ooh, ooh, tell me!

It's a CD, Pavarotti and the Backstreet Boys Live at the Acropolis!

Really? I've been looking for one of those CDs for years!

They're harder to find than a good Yoko Ono song!

JESSIE: Bertram!

Act surprised.

I have a special thank you gift for helping me watch the kids the other day.

I wonder what it is?

It's a rare, limited edition

Cheeses of China tie!

They only have three kinds.

Wow! Thanks!

What a total surprise.

There, our set is complete.

But lose those paintings. They are an eyesore.

I painted them!

I mean, I sor-t of love them!

Especially the one of the adorable monkey.

That's a self-portrait.

Okay.

Ah, my intrepid news team! So, what stories do you have for me?

Hand dryers in the girls' bathroom are dangerously hot!

We want our hands dried, not fried!

I like it! Emma, what is your hard-hitting story?

I think we should ban goggles in chemistry.

Even I can't make those work.

Eh. I like Bryn's better. You can do weather.

But... Hold your "but."

We are on in one minute!

So, Ms. Devlin, any last words of advice for us?

Yes, scooch down, you're blocking my paintings.

Oh, and mention they're for sale on my website!

Okay, Luke, in three, two...

Hey, this is Diesel Touchdown, with your Walden sports report!

Last night the basketball team lost again.

The only dribbling they were doing was from their mouths!

(LAUGHS)

(HORN BLARING)

And now here's Bryn.

You guys can't tell this on television, but she smells like happiness.

Thanks, Diesel.

This is Bryn Breitbart here.

Reporting on the hot hand dryer horror in the girls' bathroom.

This is the worst thing to happen to the ladies' restroom

since the great seat-cover shortage of 2010.

And now, here's Emma Ross with the weather.

Well, it's room temperature, because

we're in a room.

Cut! And we are out!

What about my paintings? Great show, everyone!

Not for me! I don't want to do the weather.

It's not info, or tainment!

If you wish to get more air time, bring me a real news story, like Bryn's.

I'm sure you'll come up with something great, Emma.

Help!

I assume that was just good-natured rough housing?

That's what I'm going with, otherwise I have to do a lot of paperwork.

Hey, Bertram. Why aren't you wearing the new tie I bought you?

Oh, because... I...

Wait, why am I trying to spare your feelings? I hate it. It's hideous.

Okay, here's a tip. Don't start drowning if I'm the only one around.

I'm sorry, Jessie.

It's just that Zuri said you were getting me

Pavarotti and the Backstreet Boys Live at the Acropolis!

Oh, I wanted to, but I couldn't afford it.

Oh, I didn't know you could put a price on my happiness...

I can. It's anything under $20.

Wait a minute, how would Zuri even know that?

She read your diary. (GASPS) She did!

Well, thank goodness I have no life!

Of course you do!

In fact, you should think of turning that smoothie adventure into a movie.

It was awesome. I got like a glass and a half!

I still can't believe Zuri would invade my privacy like that!

Hmm, welcome to my world.

At least she didn't go through your Hope Chest.

You still have hope? Not much. It's a very small chest.

Okay, we gotta teach Zuri a lesson.

I just wish I could do what my dad did when I was bad.

Well, why can't you?

I don't think you're allowed to dig latrines in Central Park.

Dear diary...

It's getting harder and harder to keep my big secret.

Boy, am I thirsty.

I think I'll go make myself some tea,

which should take at least five minutes and all my attention.

What secret?

(GASPING)

No way!

So all of those lame entries were just a cover!

I knew no one could be that boring!

I'll show her who's boring.

Ooh, it's 8:30, my knitting show is on!

Okay, I'm here. What do you need?

For you to get in that trash can! Okay.

By the way, why am I in here?

Because someone texted me that evidence of a big, breaking news story

would be left in this garbage can.

Do you see anything evidence-y?

Nah. Just orange peels, half a retainer,

what I'm hoping is not vomit,

and this envelope marked "evidence."

(GASPS) Give me that! Nimrod.

O-M-G!

When I bring Ravi this story, I'll never have to do the weather again!

Glad I could help!

(CRUNCHING)

And I think something just bit me.

Oh, hey! (MUFFLED SCREAM)

Ravi, I've got a scoop! I live for scoops!

Ms. Devlin, can I do a special report?

Who cares? Someone wants to buy my art!

And not just for the picture frame this time!

Okay people, we are going live!

Emma, get to the desk. Luke, stop staring at Bryn.

I wasn't! Okay, I totally was.

Good luck with your story, Emma. I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, Bryn. That is so sweet...

Ladies, can the chit-chat! You can braid each other's hair later!

Okay, people in three, two...

This is Emma Ross with "Crisis in the Cafeteria."

I've uncovered shocking proof that Walden's hamburgers are actually

horseburgers!

This is a signed receipt for 200 pounds of certified, Grade (NEIGHS) horse meat

delivered here yesterday.

Remember that pony you wanted for Christmas?

Chances are, it's stuck between your teeth.

More on this breaking story as it develops.

And we are out!

That was brilliant!

What?

Don't tell me, you're all vegetarians?

We are now.

Bertram, Jessie is an alien!

Now, Zuri, Texas may be strange, but it is part of this country.

She's not from Texas, she's from the planet Tsuris!

She's here to gather information so they can invade Earth!

Really? Well, that would explain who she's texting all the time.

We know she doesn't have any friends.

It also explains those tennis rackets she calls feet!

(LIFT DOOR BEEPS)

(SLURPING)

(BELCHES)

Did you see that? She drinks through her finger!

I'd hate to see where it comes out.

(APPLAUDING)

Emma, look, they're applauding for you!

I haven't seen this many smiling faces

since that health class video mix-up.

(LAUGHS)

Emma Ross! You are in big trouble, young lady!

You have ruined the reputation of What Up, Walden?

What are you talking about? It turns out your big scoop was poop!

The meat in the cafeteria, while oddly grey and repellent,

is in fact cow, not horse!

But I found a receipt in the garbage! What else do you want?

Uh, lab reports, witnesses, you know,

anything that resembles actual journalism.

Principal Rodriguez is furious!

He took away my bus pass!

Emma, I am afraid I must fire you from What Up, Walden?

(GASPS) But you can't! I'm a rising star in the infotainment universe!

If Emma is kicked off the show, then I'm quitting, too!

Thanks, Bryn, but there's no reason for both of us to be punished.

Okie-doke.

I just want to thank you, Ms. Devlin, for not bringing your wrath down on me

for Emma's gross negligence.

By the way, we are not that close.

Luke, I just wanted to say how impressed I am that you're here.

It's no biggie, I just remember to turn left at the water fountain.

(GIGGLING)

Funny and cute!

In fact, I think you're awesome.

You do?

Okay, people, in three, two...

(WHISPERING) Luke! Talk!

Thank you, Diesel.

Bryn Breitbart here with your Walden news!

Luke, are you okay?

Smells nice.

Ew! Ew!

Eww!

I can't believe I have to work as a janitor for my punishment.

Murderers get cuter jumpsuits!

Huh, somebody lost a phone.

(BEEPING)

Hey, Emma, whoever had this texted you.

Let me see that.

Hey, someone used this phone to text me

that bogus story tip about the horse meat!

This could lead me to the person who destroyed

my reputation as a serious infotainer!

You can keep on saying it, it's still not a word!

Hi, guys. What's up? The jig!

Yes, Jessie. We know the truth!

Okay. So my hair needs a little help getting this red. It's not a crime.

I'll tell you what's a crime, being an alien spy from outer space!

Well, actually, I'm not sure if that's a crime, but it's still not good!

Admit it, or else!

Zuri, I am not an alien. I put my pants on one tentacle at a time...

(GASPS) ...just like everyone...

(GASPS)

Did I say that out loud? Gleep glork!

I knew it!

So now you know. What do you plan on doing about it, Earth scum?

Well, there's no need for name calling.

We are going to stop you, you evil alien-type space thing!

Ha! Now you've been caught in my freeze ray, you nurling floog!

You pathetic humans can't stop me.

Who you callin' human?

News-flash! I am also an alien,

sent to Earth as a baby from the planet Mmm-Hmm 1138.

Okay. Nice try, Zuri. Now let's stop playing games,

and have a little chat about respecting people's privacy.

We can chat on the mothership, after I destroy this planet.

Zuri, that toy does not scare me.

Okay, it scares me a little.

Bertram, do something! You don't have to pretend to be frozen anymore.

I'm not pretending, I'm petrified!

Have a seat, Jessie.

Jumpin' J.J. Abrams! What is going on?

How is this happening?

I'm making it happen.

I always knew there was something weird about her!

No offense, alien overlord.

On my planet, you'll be my slaves!

Oh, so not much is gonna change?

This is ridiculous! There is no way Zuri is an alien!

Oh, yeah?

Don't probe me! You were always my favorite!

Suckers!

She's got suckers?

She's gonna suck our faces off!

I meant you guys are suckers! I'm not an alien.

You're not?

But then how do you explain the zap,

and the boom, and the whoosh and the...

Well, after I saw your lame finger-slurping trick,

I realized you and Bertram were punking me.

So I paid Dad's special effects guy to rig this place with invisible wires.

See?

Okay, her allowance is way too big.

So you can manage to set up this whole elaborate scam,

but you can't manage to hang up your coat?

Weird, huh?

So much for teaching you a lesson.

I know. I never should've read your diary.

I'm really sorry, Jessie.

I accept your apology, but promise you'll never do it again.

I promise.

And I promise no more special effects.

Oh, thank goodness.

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHING) (BERTRAM SCREAMS)

Starting now.

I got your text to meet.

Aww, Emma, you look so cute in your garbage girl outfit.

You're the one who's garbage, girl!

Ooh, things just got real!

Emma, let me hold your hoops! Come on.

Bryn, I know you set me up.

Why would you think that?

Because this phone has your make-up shade all over it.

Who else wears Vampire White?

How dare you! It happens to be Apparition Eggshell.

I can't believe I actually thought you had changed.

Please! Like I would ever share the spotlight with you.

Face it, Emma, I always get what I want.

And what I want is to have the show all to myself.

That's it! You are officially off my fantasy girlfriend list.

That's right, I have a list!

You Rosses are finished.

All I have to do is get your wimpy little brother fired, and the show is all mine.

RAVI: That will not happen, you she-devil!

You have been caught like a sleepy turtle in a coracle's net!

That is a type of Indian boat! Stop texting, and start traveling, people!

Ba-boosh!

Too bad for you our brother fits comfortably inside a locker.

My knees are in my arm-pits. Do I look comfortable?

So, here's what's going to happen next, Bryn.

Either you confess to Ms. Devlin so I get back on What Up, Walden?

or I play this video to the whole school.

You would actually do that?

Duh, that's why we crammed our little brother in a locker.

We wouldn't do that for no reason.

But Luke gave no reason last week...

Ravi, we're busy blackmailing Bryn right now. Focus.

Fine, you win.

I'll go tell Ms. Devlin the truth.

And speaking as the producer, we will not miss you at What Up, Walden?

Fine. I'll just take over the yearbook!

And I don't care how many clubs you join, none of you are making it in.

Peace!

(SCREAMING)

Are you all right, Ravi?

Not really. I am sitting on an umbrella.

Which just opened.

So, I am now the sole anchor of What Up, Walden?

and Bryn is on garbage detail.

I'm just glad everything worked out for you guys.

Me too. Hey, would you guys like a snack?

ALL: Sure!

(ALL SCREAMING)

This is fun.