Original subtitles

That magic show was awesome.

I loved when the magician pulled money out of Jessie's nose.

(SNEEZES)

(COINS CLINKING)

Hey, I'm one head cold away from getting those boots I wanted.

So far, I fail to see the magic in these magic rings.

Jessie! Rosslings! Check out my new dolly.

I can carry luggage, schlep garbage,

I can even ride it. Watch me catch air.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh! X Games, here you come.

Hey, Jessie!

I was wondering if you want to

have an apple?

Thanks, Tony. I will enjoy this

linty goodness.

(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING)

Awesome bike!

Awesome roses!

Awesome face. Did I say that out loud?

Well, hello. My name's Brody Winton.

And you are?

(GASPING) Totally available!

Oh, no! She isn't.

Is so. Every Saturday night,

she veges out in front of the TV

in a ratty old Longhorns sweatshirt covered in food stains.

Which you guys spilled on me.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Kids.

I'm Jessie.

And I happen to look awesome in that sweatshirt.

I'm sure you do.

Allow me, Jessie.

Oh, thanks.

He's stealing your woman and your job!

Do something!

Ow!

Hello? Guys?

I will try the magic word.

Help!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* It feels like a party every day

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* But they keep on pulling me every which way

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* My whole world is changing Turning around

* They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

* But they took a chance on the new girl in town

* And I don't want to let them down, down, down

* Hey Jessie

* Hey Jessie

* It feels like a party every day

* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie *

Can you buzz Mrs. Winton in 3802?

I'm taking my grandma to the Giants game.

We sit in the owners' box.

Take me instead. When we do the wave, I won't go, "Oy, my back."

So, Jessie, I'm free tomorrow night.

Wanna have dinner? Say, around 7:00?

She can't.

My bedtime's 8:00, and Jessie always reads me a story.

Guess it wasn't meant to be. Bye-bye.

Whoa, maybe just this once,

Horton can hear that Who just a little bit faster.

Does 8:30 work?

Perfect. Until then.

He gave you a rose. He's such a gentleman.

So, on your date, try not to chew with your mouth open.

(LOUD CRASHING)

Tony, I am afraid I have broken your awning.

Hey, guys, I need your opinion.

That vest is too small.

You should trim your ear hair.

Less is more with that cologne.

I meant my speech.

You tend to slur your "S's."

Shtop it!

I have to give a speech at the Butler's Association.

We're going to roast our colleague Alfred Pennyworth.

You're going to cook him?

Yes, yes, we are.

Hey, girls, I need your opinion.

You don't want to go down that road.

Okay. What do you think about this for my date with Brody?

It's hideous!

You obviously have nothing to wear.

Hey! I need someone to tell me if this material works.

Actually, it's a little bunchy around your waist.

No. I'm trying to find out if my speech is funny.

Now, listen. (CLEARS THROAT)

Good evening...

(LAUGHING)

"Good evening." Priceless!

Tony! You have to tell Jessie that you like her

before Brody gets here.

Take her for ice cream.

Then bring me ice cream.

I can't compete with Brody.

He's rich, and I'm poor.

He rides a motorcycle, I ride a dolly.

His grandma lives in a stately penthouse,

and my grandma lives in the state penitentiary.

But you and Jessie are meant to be together.

You're gonna live happily ever after.

Thanks, Zuri, but guys from my neighborhood don't get fairy-tale endings.

Although Grandpa and Grandma still make it work,

one visiting day at a time.

And that's what I want for you and Jessie.

But without the bulletproof glass, the menacing guard,

and the invasive pat-down.

The TV in my room gets cable.

Don't tell Jessie.

(DOOR OPENING)

Ready for your bedtime story?

Your choice, but since I'm going out to dinner,

I'd rather not read Sally Swallows Slugs.

No problem. Tonight, I am going to tell a story.

And I'm feeling pretty creative, so get comfy.

Okay, but can we pretty please make it quick?

Hush, child. Now, a long, long time ago,

lived a beautiful princess and her lazy lady-in-waiting.

Ahem!

Lady-in-waiting, I'm waiting.

And I'm trying to message a friend.

(SIGHS)

(COOS)

You're way over your limit.

Your carrier plan is only 15 pigeons a month.

That's why I asked for unlimited pigeons, but no.

Instead of using up pigeons, you should post on the wall.

Zounds! Lady Gwenyth's relationship status

was changed back to "maiden."

That means the Earl of Sandwich is available.

I'm gonna go ask him to lunch.

Alas, if only I could find my true love,

a poetic soul who could open the door

to my heart.

Good morrow, Your Highness.

An apple a day keeps the leeches away.

Thank you, kind peasant.

What are those weird things on your shoulders?

Epaulets. I invented them last week.

And this thing that replaces buttons.

I call it a "microwave."

Don't quit thy day job.

Your Highness, word on the cobblestones is

there's a fearsome dragon loose in the village.

So you need someone with cobblestone smarts to protect you.

Do you know anyone? All the guys I know wear tights and play lutes.

(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING)

Prince Smarming!

Yes, it is I, Prince Smarming,

with my half-wit squire, Lucas.

Hey! That's DJ Half-Wit Master Flex to you.

I'm available for birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and witch burnings.

So, Smarms,

what are you doing back in the realm?

Are you going to slay that dreadful dragon?

Uh... Sure.

But I'm all booked up today with suit of armor fittings.

I'm headlining the big joust later. Ha!

Oh, really? I hear the half-time act is milady Gaga.

Care to be my plus wench? I have back pit passes.

Well, I was gonna go to a spinning class,

but that little Rumpelstiltskin guy kind of creeps me out,

so... Okay.

Great.

Oh!

This stinketh.

Oh, wait, that's me.

I should invent a small, tiled chamber

where you can spray yourself clean with water.

I shall call it a "toaster."

ZURI: The peasant feared he had lost the fair princess,

so he went and found a sorcerer on Merlin's List.

A dash of thistle, a pinch of mugwort...

Pardon, are you Ravnik the Weird?

No, I am Ravnik the Weird.

How may I help you?

I have fallen in love with a beautiful princess,

but she has fallen for Prince Smarming,

and I'm stuck in ye olde friend zone.

I feel ya.

So I seek a potion that will make me irresistible.

I think I have that in stock.

Would you like brand-name or generic?

I shovel manure for a living.

Generic, it is.

Let's see. Invisible, Irregular, Itchy...

Pustules?

This belongs on the Plague shelf!

I should fire that apprentice.

You're fired!

Oh, here it is. Irresistible.

Whoa! When you fire someone, you really fire 'em.

I know. I felt kind of bad about that.

I was just trying to throw him his last paycheck.

Anyhoo...

Drinketh this.

By the way, the side effects may include

tremors, nausea, death, and sweaty palms.

(COUGHS)

Wait, did you say "death"?

Yes, but that is only if you take it on an empty stomach.

I'm a peasant. I haven't eaten in two weeks.

Unless dirt counts. Does dirt count?

(CHUCKLES) We will hope for the best.

Hey, I think I feel something.

The potion is working.

In one moment, you will be irresistible.

What did you do to me?

Everybody loves hamburgers.

But they don't marry them.

Oh, man, I think I got sesame seeds between my buns.

Well, I guess you must win the princess the old-fashioned way.

Enter the joust.

Chicks love jocks.

And then the princess will marry me?

Well, if you live, probably.

But just in case, pay me now.

Br(SCREAMS)y!

Brody! Brody! Brody!

Can I ride on your motorcycle?

Please.

Sure. Yeah, I'll give you a ride...

Sometime.

Hey, did I tell you guys I'm thinking of painting flames on my dolly?

Brody, Brody, watch me do a magic trick.

The Great Ravi will now pull a snake out of his hat.

Alakazam!

Uh, there might be a snake loose in the apartment.

(BERTRAM SCREAMING)

Ta-da!

I haven't seen Bertram run that fast since...

Ever.

The big jousting tournament was about to begin.

The sky was a brilliant blue, with a 10-mile an hour wind

blowing from the north-northeast...

Zuri,

this fairy tale is wonderful and remarkably detailed,

but if we don't hurry, I'm gonna miss my date.

And my youth.

You just made me lose my place.

(SIGHS)

Once upon a time...

The joust. You were up to the joust.

Oh, right.

The big jousting tournament was about to begin.

Ugh, I'm only getting one beak.

Oh, well. Go tweet this.

Oh, man, another dropped bird.

Quit it. It's very rude to pigeon during a show.

JESSIE: Wait, wait, wait. What's Millie the Mermaid doing at the joust?

Working her tail off for a few extra sand dollars.

Don't judge her.

(REVVING ENGINE)

(ALL CHEERING)

Wow, he went over easy.

Smarming dumped Humpty. He got scrambled.

Oh, it was not that bad.

And now, on to our main event.

In this corner... You know him, you love him,

because if you don't, he'll send you to the dungeon.

It's Prince Smarming.

Smarming's in the hizzle! Let's get our joust on!

(SHRIEKING EXCITEDLY)

(SIGHS)

Milady, would you grant me a token of your affection?

What, right here in front of the whole kingdom?

You mean my hanky. Okay.

(SNEEZES)

Thanks?

I wish she'd bestow her affection onto me.

Yes, because nothing says "I love you" like a used snot-rag.

And in this corner, we have

some peasant guy.

(ALLYay!ING)

Get the stretcher ready.

Isn't that the peasant who invented the microwave? He's kind of cute

in a wretchedly poor, only takes a bath once a year kind of way.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(ALL CHEERING)

I can't believe it! I think he actually missed!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Or not.

I don't know if it's the peasant's bravery,

or his unicorn boxers,

but suddenly, I'm rooting for the poor guy.

Me, too. I think it's rally cap time.

(CHEERING)

(RUMBLING)

(SCREAMS) The dragon!

(WHIMPERS) Uh-oh.

It looks like Prince Smarming

has rusted his metal pants.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You should see what I had to clean out of his armor

when he saw that ogre.

Ow!

(SMARMING SOBBING)

Stand back, Princess!

You don't have to tell me twice.

Um, peasant, I hate to be a backseat jouster,

but why did you drop the big pointy stabby thingy?

Don't you kind of need that to slay that?

I know what I'm doing. And if not,

I hope I give him indigestion.

(ALL CHEERING)

You see? He just wanted to play fetch.

Brave peasant, please accept this token of my esteem and affection.

You know what? Let me wash it first.

ZURI: At this point, the brave, handsome peasant

with the awesome hair is looking pretty darn good to the princess.

(CLEARS THROAT) Where's my lemonade?

I give up. Where?

How did you ever become a butler?

Well, I wanted to be an obnoxious rich guy, but the job was filled.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

Caitlyn. Hey, babe.

No, no, no. Of course I love you.

I'm so sorry I canceled our date tonight,

but I had to take my grandma to dance class.

Grandma, quit popping and locking.

You're gonna break a hip.

No, Caitlyn, I am not seeing any other woman tonight.

Unless you count a 95-year-old

who wants to be Willow Smith.

And the princess discovered that Prince Smarming

was a two-timing weenie with a grandma who whips her hair back and forth.

The end.

You okay, Jessie?

I will be. Right after I go medieval on Prince Smarming's butt.

Jessie's still not ready? (SCOFFS)

Any girl that makes me wait this long

better look even cuter than I do.

(CHUCKLES)

You, sir, are a curry stain on the tablecloth of humanity.

How can such a loser come in such a totes adorable package?

You don't deserve a cool motorcycle.

But I still want a ride. No, I don't!

(MOUTHING)

What's your problem?

You. You are the problem!

You don't deserve a girl like Jessie.

She's smart and pretty and nice and she always smells really, really good.

Like one of those fancy air fresheners

you plug in to an outlet of the wall.

My point is...

Jessie's great and you're a piece of

moldy lasagna!

No, doorman, the point is that Jessie thinks I'm great.

And can you blame her?

The doorman's name is Tony.

And even though he rides a dolly

and gives out linty apples,

he's more of a gentleman than you'll ever be.

And I don't date guys who are afraid of dragons.

That's a long story. Which you don't have time to hear,

'cause you're leaving!

And I'm telling your grandma that you're a two-timing loser.

What? No, no, no, no!

Then she won't let me borrow the private jet.

You have a private jet?

Jessie, have mercy.

Snap out of it!

Bye-bye, Brody.

(SCOFFS) Whatever. Your loss.

(SCREAMS)

Ta-da!

Thanks for sticking up for me, Tony.

And by the way, you smell nice, too.

Kind of lemony.

Thanks. It's furniture polish.

I wax my own desk.

HOh.o?

So, Jessie, I was maybe wondering if you

want to...

I would love to go out on a date with you, Tony.

YoYeah.ld?

Huh, that was easier than I thought.

Yeah, 'cause I did all the heavy lifting.

Kids.

My wife is so ugly, even the trolls go, "Ugh!"

(GROWLS)

I can't believe this guy won So You Think You Can Jest.

Let's ask the Queen to cut off his head. Or ours.

Your Highness.

Sorcerer, is there anything you can do

to make this jester funny?

I am a sorcerer, not a miracle worker.

Eh, but I will try.

Before these awful jokes can fester,

make this fool a better jester.

(ALL GASP)

(EXCLAIMS) He disappeared!

(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) I didn't disappear. I'm down here.

Hey, wait! Wait!

Pretend you don't hear him.

(WHISTLING)

Hey, wait! Wait!

A druid, a monk, and a varlet walk into a tavern...

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

Hey, I can see my hovel from here.