All language subtitles for 121

(male voice on radio)
The I-10 Santa Monica
Freeway westbound

is jammed due to
a three-car accident...

blocking lanes one and two
just past Hoover Street.

In Van Nuys there's
stop and go traffic
on the 405 southbound...

(Emma)
Hey, loser!
Get up. You're late.

We need money.

For what?

Food.

[sighs]

I've only got two dollars.
How much is a Happy Meal?

Oopf.

[light cheerful music]

(Manager)
Good morning, Thea.

Oh, hi.

There's this
thing called rent.

Monday.
You have my word.

Could you
put your word
on an actual check?

[cheerful music]

(Miles)
Whoo! Look
at that foxy momma!

Hey.

Hey, look.
I, uh, I saved
you one of these.

It wasn't easy.
These people
are animals.

Thanks. It's
all downhill
after the donut.

Hey. Let's go
camping right now.

Oh, don't tempt
me. You know I can't.

Come on. Don't be
such a buzz kill. Just
call in sick from work.

Oh, Miles.
It was hard enough
getting Monday off.

Hey. You really
need to bail on
this lame job, babe.

Bailing isn't exactly in
my vocabulary right now.
I'm late. I'm late.

[depressing music]

Alarm clock
on the fritz again?

(Jerry)
Thea.

Thea!

Four minutes
after nine, Thea.

We agreed to 8:59.

I know. I'm
sorry. I've got
your coffee piping hot.

Greg already
got it for me.

All right.
Let's get started.

I found two errors
in your transcription.

Ur-Nammu, the Mesopotamian
ruler, has a hyphen
in his name.

Are you sure? I checked it
in Oxford English Dictionary.

You should always
cross reference with
the Military Encyclopedia.

It is
the definitive source.

Absolutely right, Greg.

The intern
shouldn't be more
thorough than you.

You have to remember
that every mistake you
make, impacts history.

I'm sorry
I didn't give
enough thought

to the long
reaching impact
of a missing hyphen.

Think of it next time,
or someone else will.

There are
a million people out there
who'd kill for your job.

The secretary
to the publisher, it's
a dream for so many of us.

I have a big
project for you.

Now, you can make
up for this morning's
mistakes by acing this one.

Okay. What
can I do for you?

MacArthur rolled
in some poop.

Again?

She's got one
good eye, Thea.

I don't appreciate
you taking that tone. Now.

Hi, there.
[dog whines]

Let's really try
and nail it this
time, shall we?

[sighs]

[whines]

[whines]

No way. She
rolled in poop again?

Uh-hm.

How come
Greg never
washes her?

I'm glad that I
don't have to wash
the poop off Greg

since he spends most
of his time with his
head up Jerry's ass.

Tell me about it.
Last week he CC'd
me on an email to Jerry

complaining that I ordered
too many rainbow Post-Its.

Said it creates
a party atmosphere.

Come here, MacArthur.

MacArthur.
[dog whines]

Do you think we'll
ever get out of here?

How long 'til
your little sister
graduates college?

Five years.
Five long years.

[sighs] Wow.

When you finally
ditch this place
I'm gonna leave, too.

I can't survive this
hellhole without you.

I don't even know
if I'm gonna survive
Monday without you.

Oh, well, your rainbow
Post-Its should help.

[fake laugh]
Ha, ha, ha.
Just promise me

that when you're celebrating
with Miles the big 25, you'll
have two extra shots for me.

Done. Two for
you, two for me

and two
for MacArthur.

And cold
beer chasers
and a sliced lime.

[sigh]
Gets me right here.

[rhythmic music]

What is MacArthur eating?

Oh, that's not
good. Hold on.

No, no, that's soap!

(Garth)
Well, Thea, you are
a sopping mess.

I know, I'm sorry.

Well, don't apologize.

(Carl)
This one
has two staples.

Yeah. And?

It's bad feng shui.

It'd be nice
to give the agenda

to the guy
the disability first.

When I gave you yours
first last month,

you reprimanded
me for giving you
special treatment.

I don't like your giving
me special back talk.

(Jerry)
Good morning, everyone.
Ready for Abbott?

[ringing]

Sorry.

(Abbot)
Let's have another round!

Hey, Johnny, my good man.
How's the book coming?

(Abbot)
Jerry!

War. What is
it good for?

Apparently lots
of things, Jerry.
[laughs viciously]

[whines]

If you could just tell
us what chapter
you're up to.

Sweet.

(Abbot)
Pigs in the blanket

for everybody on me.
[laughs and hangs up]

[chuckles]
Alright, bye-bye.
[clears throat]

(Jerry)
Hemingway used
to write in bars.

Ah. We're so pleased
you decided to bless us
with your presence, Nicky

Sorry, uh, bad,
bad traffic.

Hm. Got hung
up at the divorce
lawyer's office?

I kind of wanted that
to be private, Jerry.

Well, well, privacy is
for people who are on time.

(Nick)
So how's
Abbott's book coming?

Extremely well.
There's a method
to his mad genius.

And now we're
ready to go over
the cost report.

Whenever you feel
like presenting it.

(Nick)
Oh, okay.

Sales for The Complete
History of Bullets are
below projections.

Uh, marketing says people
have been intimidated

by the 1400 page length.

(Garth)
There are a lot
of bullets in the world.
We're not making it up.

Let's talk
about the next order
of order of business.

(Jerry)
I've given this
a lot of thought.
[dog whines]

[sighs]
Next week's
softball game.

Now, we're all tired
of losing to Presidio.

So I'm moving Garth
to short stop.

I'm not
quite finished.

I've told you. You're
staying in left field.
We need you there.

This isn't softball related.

You know our
textbook writer,
Suzie Cavendish?

Of course I know her.

I read her new manuscript

and I thought
it was really good.

How did you
get a manuscript?

I ran into her at lunch.
She told me about her book.

You don't send
the accountant
your manuscript.

[dog whines]
Thanks, but I've already
told Suzie it's not for us.

It's not our
subject matter.

[dog whines and groans]
Baby, what's wrong?

(Jerry)
MacArthur?
[dog groans]

What's wrong with you?
Come here, baby.

What is wrong?
Talk to daddy.

[whines and retches]

(Thea)
Ew!

(Jerry)
What did you feed her?

I'm so so sorry
about your dog.

I just scheduled a full body
scan for MacArthur on Monday.

I have the day off Monday
but I'll take her Tuesday.

You'll take her Monday.

I asked for this time
off two months ago.

It's just one day.
I promised my boyfriend

we'd go camping
for his 25th birthday.

It's his 25th birthday?

Yeah, it is.

God, I had no idea.

I'm sorry. Why don't you
take the whole week off?

Really?

No!
[dog whines]

Okay, no problem.

(Lisa)
Come on, things
can't be that bad.

Okay. Let's see
what I have to look
forward to in life.

Washing my boss's dog.

Blow-drying my boss's job.

Uh-mm.

Taking my boss's
dog for a CAT scan.

I'm officially
a pathetic loser.

Well, at least
we still have
Skittles and cigarettes.

(Lisa)
Maybe you and Miles
can reschedule the weekend.

(Thea)
Oh, yeah. I'll
see if Miles can
reschedule his birthday.

No, maybe Jerry's
onto something.

Who needs a significant
other when you're dating
your own dog?

(Thea)
Jerry's repulsive.
Have you smelled
his breath lately?

He's lucky he can get
a dog to date him.

You know, it's one thing
if Jerry is an undersexed
jerk who takes no joy in life

But why does he have
to make the rest of us
that way? I hate him!

[door bangs open]

[both gasp]

In my office. Now!

You've got some pretty
strong opinions about
my personal choices.

You find my relationship
with MacArthur

something to deride?

Not at all.
I respect your
devotion to animals.

You're involvement
with PETA is inspiring.

Don't bullshit me.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.

It was childish
and it won't happen again.

If you hate me so much,

I don't really think
it's healthy for you
to continue working with me.

[gasps]
But, please.
You can't do this.

Watch me.

But I need this job.

Here I go.

I support my sister.

You're fired.

But I'm...

You're what? You're?

I'm pregnant.

Pregnant?

Yes, pregnant.
Totally pregnant.

The doctor says
the chemicals or
hormones or whatever...

are messing up my system
and you can't take anything
I say too seriously.

Except for when
I say I'm pregnant
because, I am.

(Thea)
Oh, God.

When are you due?

Octember.
I mean, October.

October what?

Uh, probably the 6th.
Could be the 7th,

could be the
8th. But fingers are
crossed for the 6th

by then I'll just want
this thing out of me.

You're almost four
months pregnant?

Yeah. [chuckles]
Isn't that crazy?

Feels like yesterday
I wasn't. But I was
because I'm four months

The legal department
is backing your story

about not being able
to fire a pregnant woman

no matter how much
she might deserve it.

So get back to work.

Thank you
so much, Jerry.

I really appreciate
it. Thank you.
From both of us.

Congratulations on
the baby. The entire
legal department is thrilled.

Hey, why didn't you
tell me earlier?
Oh, I know.

Probably because
there's so much that
can go horribly wrong.

I mean, I'm out
of the woods. But I
do everything right.
[laughs]

Anyway, so I'm having
my baby first, not that
it's a competition.

But I win! [laughs]

Anyway, no, really,
congratulations.

Oh, Thea!
Oh, I'm so
excited for you.

No wonder you've
been spacey lately.
[chuckles]

(Garth)
What's going on?

(Ann)
Everybody, Thea's pregnant!

Don't look at me.
I never touched her.

(Garth)
Never would have guessed.
You still look sexy.

I had to tell everyone.
Couldn't keep it a secret.

Of course. How can you
hide that kind of thing?

(Carl)
I should've known. My
left knee's been hurting.
When my knee hurts,

it usually means
someone's pregnant.

Yeah, or they're
stuck underwater in a car.
Anyway, I'm glad it's this.

(Garth)
So who's
the very lucky fella?

(Lisa)
You didn't tell 'em
the rest of the news?

Thea and Miles
are engaged!

[all] Oh!

(Kristen)
That's so great!

I mean, I got married
before I got pregnant,
but better late than never.

Whoo-hoo!
Yay for you!

Yeah, I'm, I'm really
excited, everyone.

Yeah, thrilled.
Over the moon.
Way over it!

[all chuckle]

[silence]

Psst.
[chuckles]

(Lisa)
Pregnant? It's brilliant.

Where did you
come up with that?

I saw it on an episode
of Law and Order.

Yeah. You can't fire
a pregnant woman.

Discrimination, lawsuits,
bad mojo, whatever.

Smart.

By the way,
thanks for your help.

Pregnant wasn't bad enough.
I had to get engaged.

Well, I didn't want
people to think you were
some kind of wayward skank.

Is that what you
think of single mothers?

No, of course not.
I just happen to know that
a lot of people in the office

think you're a wayward
skank and I thought this
could turn it around.

[sigh]
Thanks. Crap, Lisa.
What am I gonna do?
How will I get out of this?

Can't we just
say that you know,
something happened to,

I don't know, one
of your tubes. Sprung a leak.

Do you know what
you're talking about?

Let's just go along with
it for a little while

and then we'll say
it was a false alarm.

You thought you were
pregnant, but it turns out
you just had crabs.

Ew.

(Thea)
I'm so sorry, Em. I had
a crazy day at work

and I lost track of time.
Am I too late?

The meeting was at four
and it's five o'clock now.
You do the math.

I'm really sorry.

Have you been drinking?

I had a cocktail.

Come on. You're 17.
You should be out
drinking and smoking

(Thea)
I'll reschedule
with your guidance
counselor next week.

Don't bother. I already met
with Miss Talbot and we
discussed my options

What options?

She suggested I start
taking some cooking
classes after school.

You have
tennis after school.

Yeah, but I'm
sick of tennis.

I was thinking maybe I could
go to the Culinary Institute
in San Francisco.

No way. You're
staying right here
and going to UCLA.

Tennis will cover the tuition
and I'm busting my ass
off to cover the rest.

I know. You keep telling me
when Mom and Dad died,
we lost out on options.

(Thea)
Just do me a favor, be
a grown-up and accept the
hand that you've been dealt.

So that's
what you do?

Yeah, that's
what I do.

Really? 'Cause you were
at a bar instead of my
parent teacher conference.

Oh, hello, Mr. Abbott.

Jerry? Jerry,
where are you?

Mr. Abbott,
can I help you?

Is there anything
to drink in this place

or do I have to go
to my car and get
my divining rod?

I could get you
some water.

Go ahead, soldier.
Three parts scotch,
one part water.

Okay. Move, move,
move. Hey, soldier.

What brings
you to the office?

How are you? [chuckles]
Well, your brother
wants my book.

Jerry's at lunch.
But Thea can take
your manuscript for you

Who's Thea?

Jerry's secretary.
You talk to her
every day.

Congratulations are probably
in order. Thea has good news.
She's having a baby

Hm.

She looks like
she's strong stock.

Maybe she can
give us a strong
future Marine.

(Greg)
Thea, do you
have a minute?

So, uh, how are you?

Fine, thanks. You?

Oh, I'm fine. But I'm not
the one with a magical bundle
of joy growing inside of me.

So, no morning sickness?
No bloating?

No. Nuh-unh. Guess
I'm just really lucky.

A little too lucky,
if you ask me.

Yeah.

And uh, where
is your ring?

Well, we...

Her fianceé is saving
up for her ring.

It's not very
nice to try to
embarrass people.

So why don't you get back
to lying about yourself
on your dating websites?

Don't worry about him.
He doesn't know anything.
He's an idiot.

And I'm sure Greg
is still a virgin.

(woman)
Come on, Jerry.

Oh! Alright, Jerry.

(Umpire)
Oh! Watch it!

Dumbass.

(woman)
Come on, Nick.

(woman)
Come on Nick,
you can do it.

[MacArthur whines]

[all cheer Nick]

(Umpire)
Hit it!

Ow!

(Umpire)
Ball. Take your base.

(woman)
Take your base!

(woman)
Come on, Thea.

(man)
Come on, Thea!

(man)
Let's go, Thea!

[hit]

(man)
Go, go. Home run.

Come on, come on.

Go, go.
Get home, get home.

(man)
Come on, come on.

[all continue cheering]

Safe!

[all cheer]

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm great.

(man)
Come on, Colonel.
You can do it.

(woman)
You got it!

Great.

(Jerry)
Thea.

Kristen. Come
here, please now.

(Jerry)
You shouldn't be playing
in your condition.

What condition?

Your baby.

(Garth)
Lisa, get your
ass out on base?

Of course.

We are taking you
out. For the season.

[sighs]

All season.

(woman)
Come on!

Hey, thanks
for the RBI.

Yeah, well,
no more RBIs.

Jerry says I'm
a liability, so I can't
play 'cause I'm pregnant.

Sounds like the most
reasonable opinion
he's had in years.

[all]
Oh!

[all cheer]

Yes!

[dog barks]

[dog whines]

[all gasp]

MacArthur?

(Ann)
Good heavens.

Oh, it's okay. I'm
coming for you, baby.

[dog barks and whines]

I need a copy
of Abbott's manuscript.

I'm gonna read
it in the car on
the way to his funeral.

What? You've never
seen a manuscript
on napkins before?

When genius
strikes, you write
it down. Do it now.

Okay.

Oh. Thea, um,
should you still
be using the copier?

Copy machines emit
electromagnetic waves.

And what does that do?

Well, no one knows yet.
But I've been reading
on the message boards

and it seems like something
you should avoid if you're
trying to have a well pregnancy.

I think I should be okay.

Oh, good. Well, if it
doesn't bother you,

then can you make 50
copies of that for me?

(Kristen)
Thank you.

You know, I,
I find it fascinating

that Kristen is only
a month further along
than you

and yet she's the size
of a school bus and you're
still the size of Kate Moss.

Different strokes,
I guess.

Perhaps it's easier
to feel the bump
than to see it.

What's the big deal?
Everyone likes to touch
a pregnant stomach.

Because you're
a gross weirdo, Greg.

And the baby
doesn't like
gross weirdos, Greg.

Hmpf.

You and me are going
shopping after work.

What on earth
are you doing?

I'm stealing
you a belly.

What?

You're four
months pregnant

and you've
got the abs of a
Jenku swimsuit model.

Sh. Cover me. Okay?

Look. If you
want people to
think you're pregnant,

you've gotta start
talking the talk and
walking the... waddle

I don't know
if I can do this.

You can do this.
Just do it for a week.

But you've gotta look
the part or people are
gonna get suspicious.

I look ridiculous.

These jeans
are elastic on the top.

I feel like I'm wearing
a condom on my stomach.

[chuckles]
You don't look
like you've been
anywhere near a condom.

(Lisa)
Gross. Did you know that
when women are in labor
they sometimes poop?

Ew.

Have you ever heard
of an episiotomy?
Or cankles? Hmm?

Agh.

Well, we should get
this as a reference.

I thought this whole
thing was gonna blow
over in a few days.

Yeah, but until then
you should know the ins and
outs of being preggers.

There's a whole world
of stuff here you know
nothing about.

Yeah. And I'd
kind of like to
keep it that way.

Ew. Look
at those nipples.

Wait a second,
wait a second.

What?

Here. here.

No. Can I keep
the stomach at your house?

No. That's like keeping
your arm at my house.

No, no. I don't want
Emma to find out and
she hates when I lie.

You lie all the time.

No, really.

It stays with you.
It's your stomach.

[knocking]

Hey! Can I get
a little privacy?

Whoa, what are
you doing in there?
Can I just come in?

I'm trying
to talk to you.

It doesn't matter
what I'm doing right
now, I am busy. Shoo.

Morning, Thea,
you got my check?

Wow. Look at you.

Yeah, look at me.
Oh, it's not what, um--.

Oh, geez, I mean.
You've obviously got
a lot on your plate.

I'm sorry about the other
day. Don't worry about
the rent check.

Take another
week or two.

You just take
care of yourself.

[Donna]
Oh, my God.

Oh, how
exciting. [gasps]

I have so much baby
stuff I can lend you.

Let me know
if you need to borrow
my old breast pump.

I just have
to rinse it.

[cheerful music]

(Garth)
My favorite lubricant,
Ann? WD-40.

(Ann)
Thea. I've made some
brownies for you
to fatten you up.

Oh, thank you.

It popped.

Yeah, once you pop,
you can't stop.

[chuckles]
You're carrying low.
It's definitely a boy.

Whatever it is,
you've obviously begun that
slippery slide into obesity.

Well, you had
a nice run there,
didn't you, champ?

Oh, good morning.

Look at you.

Oh, my God. I think
I just felt it kick.

Oh. Yeah, mark it in
the baby journal
for me, will you?

I will.

Are people buying it?

Totally. Totally.
Ann made me brownies.

I got a seat
on the bus today.

And Garth is not
attracted to me anymore.

It's the best morning
I've had in years.

Okay, you want to hear
something even more amazing?

Have you read Abbott's
new manuscript?

I get asked
to Xerox, not to read.

Okay. Get ready
to have your mind blown.

Ah, "Philip of Macedon
had a hard-on."

"Scaled great peaks
to conquer the Greeks."

It's all rhyming couplets
and dirty limericks.

And this is what Jerry's
betting the bank on.

It's insane.

Oh, you're welcome.

Well, you
look different.

Sorry. I'll move
you to the shitty
corner in a second.

It's all
right, dear. You've
got your hands full.

You've exploded.

Well, yes, she has.

[clears throat]

Well, people.
I'm sure you'll
be relieved to hear

that MacArthur is expected
to make a full recovery.

I've gotten her a spot

at the McElroy
Center for Veterinary
Rehabilitation in Bethesda.

It's the best in the country.

They tell me she
should be at 90 percent
tail-wagging capability

after just six weeks.

I'll be out of
the office for a while.

I'll be working
out of the rehab
center in Bethesda

where I've taken
a room for the duration
of MacArthur's stay.

Until I get
back, Nicky will be
holding down the fort.

I'm giving him
strict instructions not
to do anything stupid.

(Garth)
Code red.

[sighs]
Seriously, Nick.

Don't blow it.

Check it out.

There's our fearless
leader plotting our
brilliant future.

(Thea)
Well at least
with him in charge,
I'm off the hook.

Well, things
are looking up.

Okay, let's figure
out how to get me
out of this mess.

I'll Google what
kind of mishaps can
happen when you're pregnant.

Hi, guys. Sorry
to bother you.

(Lisa)
You're boss now, Nick.
You can bother us
anytime you want.

Right. Um, Thea,
I kind of need a favor.
Would you, come with me?

We're meeting
Suzie Cavendish.

I mentioned her in
the meeting last week.

You see, Suzie's written
this hilarious book

about pregnancy.
It, it's true stories
about pregnant women

getting stuck in bathtubs
and throwing up under
their desks at work

and farting
by mistake in meetings.

It, it's stuff you,
you must know a lot more
about than me, obviously.

Yeah, totally. Totally.

I'm trying
really, really hard
not to fart right now.

Anyway, I want
to publish Suzie's book

and, and while Jerry's
gone, I'm gonna do it.

You know, carpe diem
and all that stuff.

Yeah, definitely.

I actually used to
be a pretty carpe diem
kind of person myself.

But not anymore.

Because I'm pregnant.

See, that's just it.

Suzie's not convinced
that Steinwald's
the right place.

So I thought
you might help
convince her otherwise.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, I'll just
talk to her about
the whole farting thing.

Uh, one thing.
Uh, Suzie kind of
thinks you're an editor.

Why would
she think that?

I kind of implied it.

What?

Suzie!

(Suzie)
Hi. Nice to see you.

(Suzie)
Most pregnancy books make
you feel totally inadequate

and how you're
destined to be
a failure as a parent.

No one writes
about what pregnancy
is really like,

how you feel
fat and clumsy
and stupid.

The absolute worst

is "What to Expect
When You're Expecting."
Have you read that?

Oh, no, I was
told it was so bad I
shouldn't even go near it.

So, what are you reading?

Uh,

You know, just
the usual suspects.

Like?

Well, I was
banking on finding
Pregnancy for Dummies.

I love
that series. Yeah.

Hm. Interesting.

Come on, Nicky,
how can you guys
sell my book

if you're not familiar
with the competition?

Thea has had a pretty
full workload lately.

I don't know, guys.
I don't know if this
is the right marriage.

Come on. From
the people who brought
you the Kalashnikov diaries

comes a comedic send-up
of 21st century pregnancy?

It's just, the right
home is so important.

I know. We are
the right home.

I mean, sure,
our, uh, plumbing
is a little leaky

and maybe we need
a new paint job.

But our backyard is a really
great place for a barbecue
in the summer.

You know?

If we can make a bestseller
out of the "Defeat of Darius
at Issus" we've gotta be good.

I mean, that couldn't
be easy, right?

Absolutely.

The thing about
pregnancy is it's
incredibly messy.

Those other books
are teaching you how
to avoid the mess.

You're embracing the mess.

And you've written
an incredible insightful,

hilarious,
controversial manifesto.

Just give us a shot.
It has bestseller
written all over it.

We promise we
won't let you down.

So you've read it.

Oh. I live it.
Love it. Every day.

Let me think about it.

Hey, I'm starting a new
birthing class tomorrow.

Maybe Thea could
come with me.

She'll be there.

And bring your partner.

Her fiancée. Miles, right?

Yeah. Could you excuse
me for a second?

(Nick)
Yes.

Vodka. Straight up.

[gasps] Thanks.

You okay?

I just set the world
record for bullshitting.

What happened?

Long story.
I can't handle
doing it again.

A promotion?

You are the new
Associate Editor

of our brand
new Family division.

Family division?

Suzie called.
She wants to give us
a shot, thanks to you.

Now, Suzie's book will
launch our new division.

It's a perfect opportunity
to capture a new demographic

and help the company
to grow vertically...

Nick.

Look, there's something
I need to tell you.

This whole thing
is a big lie.

I feel terrible,
but I'm not really...

An editor?

I know, I'm the one
who forced you to lie.

which as a rule isn't great
but what's not a lie is that
you did really good today.

There's so many
people more qualified.

So many people in ways
you don't even know.

Thea. To be a good
editor all you need is a,
a feel for the material

It's what my father had
when he started this company

and it's
what you have.

You're living
through the thrills
of starting a family.

What about Kristen?
She's pregnant.

Obviously I am too,
but she's, she's
really pregnant.

First of all, Kristen's a
lawyer without a creative
bone in her body.

And then there's
the indisputable fact that
she's a complete weirdo.

[sighs]
Oh. Look, Nick,
I mean, I see your point.

I do. And I wanna help.

But I just, I can't.

I'm not your accountant.

But the other thing
you should know is that

associate editors
make a lot more money
than secretaries.

A lot?

Let's just say,

you'll have your own
secretary and office.

So are you my new
associate editor?

[gasps and music]
I guess I am.

"War Stories From
the Pregnancy Front"
by Suzie Cavendish.

You loved it,
you live it.

You should
probably read it.

I do, I agree with
what you're saying.

If you have your
colon health you
do have everything.

But, I do, I thought
it interesting when you
said we were going wrong

and we should be sort of
on the seat like a gargoyle
as opposed to just sitting.

Not now, Miles.

Don't you know
enough about being
fake pregnant already?

How can this be this
big of a deal?

I mean, come on,
you do the nasty,
you're knocked up,

you inflate and then, uh,
eight, nine months?
Nine months later

you shoot that puppy out.
I mean, how can there be
8 million books about this?

Just promise me
you won't write one.

Okay. If you promise
you're still on
birth control.

Believe me, I am.

Oh, yeah?

Uh-huh.

Excellent.

[rhythmic music]

Nice new digs, huh?

Yeah.

So, what did you think?

About what?

Uh, Suzie's book.
Any thoughts?

Oh, yeah, it was great.

What do you think?

How much did
you actually read?

The first two chapters.

But I'm gonna finish
the rest of it today. I
just got a little distracted.

Nick, please,
let me explain.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[gasps] You have
shelves. And a door.

[thud]

Congratulations, Thea.

Thank you, Greg.

You really think you can
get to the top by playing
games, don't ya?

I know what you're
up to, Thea. And I
think that it stinks.

Hm.

Really? Do you think that it
stinks that I want to hire
you to be my Assistant?

[gasps] Really?

You'll start first
thing Monday after
I put the paperwork through.

Oh, wow, Thea. Thea,
thank you so much. I, I
could kiss you right now.

You don't have
to do that.

I'll see you later, boss.

Look at you,
Little Miss Executive.

Hardly. I don't
even really know
what I'm doing here.

I didn't finish
the manuscript
last night and Nick

just asked for my opinion
and I didn't have one.

You might wanna get one.
This is your ticket out
of the secretarial pool.

[rhythmic music]

(Garth)
If your last name
is O'Keeffe, why do
you look Jewish?

Well, it's true.
You don't look Irish.

[louder music]

Steinwald Publishing.

So O'Keeffe got
a new girlfriend.
He's robbing the cradle.

She's 95.

Did you hear me?

(Thea)
I loved it. It
was funny and smart

and you don't even
have to be pregnant
to enjoy it.

I'm guessing
about that because
I am pregnant.

I enjoyed it and I'm
not pregnant.

I was thinking, you could
organize the chapters
like a pregnancy.

You know,
group each woman's
stories by trimester.

So, so the book would
start with stories about
the awkward moments

when everyone thinks
you've been eating
too many cupcakes.

Exactly. And then
the second trimester.

Like Sally's story
when she threw up in
her purse at her kid's play.

Nick, I'm sorry I didn't
finish the book last night.
It won't happen again.

I'm glad you like it.

We've got our work
cut out for us. It'll be
in bookstores in 6 weeks.

I'd like to see your notes,
but Suzie's class starts in
20 minutes so you should go.

I totally forgot.
The thing is, Miles is, is
going out of town for work.

That's too bad.

Do you think
I could reschedule?

Now it's time for partner
relaxation techniques

for when your
special marathon begins.

So, partners, I want
you to move behind
your marathoners

with your legs
open in a big V.

Hm. Welcome home.

Now, take this
opportunity to stroke
your wives or girlfriends.

Stroke it out.

Now why don't you
whisper something
special to her, okay?

Something that only
you two would share
in this private moment.

It could be funny,
It could be naughty.
[chuckles]

I'm not listening.

Let that relaxation
wash over you.

I am so sorry
about this.

It's, you know,
you don't have
to stroke my hair.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Uh, you know, you can
lean back if you want.

I, I can tell you're
kind of straining.

I am.

Great. Now that
we're all relaxed,

let's try some
birthing positions, okay?

Mary? Could I borrow
your partner for just a sec?

I promise I'll give
him back. [chuckles] Maybe.

I'm just kidding. Come
here, cutie. All right.

I want you to get on
all fours with your palms
firmly placed to the ground

and then we're gonna
rock back. We're gonna
rock back into it. Oh.

Feel that womb open up.

It feels familiar,
right? This is how we got
ourselves into this mess.

[chuckles]
For some of us, not all
of us. The position's
not for everybody.

Partners, I want
you to envelope
your marathoner, okay?

And just get in a
deep stretch here
around the belly

keep moving back and forth,
right? Get your hands on
the tummy back there.

And keep pushing
in. Keep pushing
in and envelope.

Get right on top of there.
Feel that, feel... Oop.

Man down, okay.

It's okay.

Just hop back on.
No mistakes here.

Okay. All right. Finish
up when you feel done.
I need a few more.

If you'll indulge
me Mary, thank you.

Okay, and just
keep the rocking.
Never stop rocking.

Oh! Yes.
Give it to me, Rob,
we're doing it now.

Oh! Oh!

Okay. [sighs]
And we're done.

Wonderful, thank you.
This guy's good, right?

I'm gonna borrow
you for another class.

Or after class.
[chuckles] I'm kidding.

(Suzie)
Bye, guys.

(Nick)
That was great.
Thanks a lot.

(Thea)
Bye.

(Nick)
Wow.
That was up there

as one of
the most embarrassing
moments of my life.

Hey, here, let me
get you something.

No, no, it's the least
I can do after nearly
paralyzing you.

Hi.

Hi.

Thanks.

(Thea)
Did you always work
in the family business?

Uh, I wanted to be a
writer. But I was scared
I might be a total hack

so I got
an accounting degree.
[chuckles]

I figured I'd make
a living doing that
while I finished my book...

but kind of been
stuck in the middle
for a few years.

What do you wanna
be when you grow up?

Well, in college
I played in a badass
metal band.

Really?
You're a badass?

A little bit, kind of.

Fascinating. A little
terrifying but fascinating.

So is that what you did
in college, badass metal
band studies?

No, I didn't
finish college.

Oh, why not?
Too boring? Not
Joan Jett enough for you?

No. Um, I loved college.
It's just my parents passed
away in a car accident,

so I had to leave
to take care of my
little sister.

I'm sorry.
I shouldn't
have said anything.

Oh, n-no. I, I'm
glad you told me.

I'm just so sorry
that happened.

Thanks.

So is your sister
a badass like you?

No, she's more
of a smart ass.

[laughs] Here.

Hey, you know, uh,
Suzie's having a pool
party this weekend.

You should come.
And bring Miles.

Pool party?

Yeah. I promise, I won't
be wearing a Speedo.

[chuckles]

[door opens]

Nice look!

Do we have a secret steam
room you never told me about?

No, I'm going
to a pool party.

Ah. Well, good thing
you've got that towel on now.

Wouldn't wanna
leave that 'til when
you actually get there.

Enough of the sass,
smarty pants. What
are you doing here?

Tennis ended early.

What's the bag for?

Nothing.

Come on, you can
do better than that.

At least I'm wearing pants.

Pants? You call
those pants?

They're shorts.

All right, bye. Don't
call if you need me.

[rock music]

Okay, you really
have to act like
you're the father, okay?

Yeah.

You're the father.
It's serious.

Oh, come on.

You have to appear
to be responsible.

Are you kidding me?
I'm totally psyched.

I thought about
this. Everyone's gonna
think I'm a super-stud

for knocking up a
hot chick like you.

Okay, so, that's an
example of something
you wouldn't say.

Baby. Well, I think
you're beautiful
even with your...

Thank you.

(Thea)
Hey.

How are you?

Nick, this is
my fiancé, Miles.
Miles, this is Nick.

Congratulations.
You must be so excited.

Oh, it's, I just can't
wait for the little guy
to [pop] pop out.

Oh, you're
having a boy.

Yeah.

We, uh, we
just found out.

And do you
have a name yet?

Now, see,
I didn't think any...

Hey.

Garth, this is
my fiancé, Miles.

Miles, Garth.
He's an editor
at the company.

You're a lucky guy, huh?

Yes, I am.
You look pretty
lucky yourself there.

I'm gonna go inside
and say hi to Suzie.

Oh, yeah,
hold up, babe.

I'm taking
a dip. It's
blazing here. Babes.

Yeah?

Right there.

Anybody care to join?

I will. Let's go in.

That's what
I like to hear.

I don't wanna
get my chain wet.

Listen, I have two
friends that I want
you to meet.

They're both writers
and they're actually
looking for a new publisher,

so I think they'll
really like you.

Really?

You and Nick
make such a good team.

Thank you.

Hey, guys.
I want you to
meet Audrey Gold

and Dr. Terry
Bournachle. Terry wrote
the Bournachle Baby Book,

which is the bible.

I won't even touch that.
I don't wanna be accused
of having a God complex.

And Audrey just
finished a book
on single parenting

and I hear from reliable
sources that she's not
very happy at Boyle Donner.

Oh, well we would love
to meet with you guys.

Yeah, Nick and Thea
just started a parenting
division at Steinwald.

Hmm. You have
the most unique shape.

If you don't mind me
asking, you don't have
a distended uterus, do you?

Uh, no, no, I,
I don't think so.

Well, who's your OB?

[clears throat]
Dr. Draken Barysinwitz.

You mean Hans?
Frogenberry Schoenewitz?

I thought he moved
back to Vienna.

[splash]

[all]
Oh!

My bad. I just,
I was trying to,
totally going for her.

Very funny, Miles.

Hey. You should,
uh, you should
totally come in.

We're having
such a good
time in there.

I don't feel like
swimming right now.

Come on. It's
so nice in there.

No one cares
that you're fat.
Kids, tell her to come in.

Come in.
Come in.
Come in.

(Thea)
It's okay.

You don't want to
disappoint the children.

Woo!

Shit.

[laughs]

What is that?

Oh!

[all] Oh!

[Miles laughs]

[gasps]

(Nick)
That's not cool.

(Thea)
It was so humiliating.

On the way home
I told him to drop me off
and never speak to me again.

Good. I always thought
Miles was a bit of a
numbnut anyway.

[sighs]
I'm just so embarrassed
that Nick thinks he's the
father of my child.

Who cares
what Nick thinks?

He's just the first
person in years

that thinks I'm
capable of doing more
than just pouring coffee.

What do you think he'll
say when he finds out

your baby is a piece
of polyurethane foam
we swiped off a mannequin?

He's actually kinda cute
though, don't you think?

Who?

Um, Nick.

Um, no.

Cigarette?

No, I probably shouldn't.

[guffaws]

Okay, uh, to recap, uh

only one of you
would even bother
to look at the book.

And the rest of you
wouldn't buy it with
a gun to your head...

which can't
be good for sales.

Can any of you
tell me why the cover
doesn't speak to you?

Maybe comparing
pregnancy to a battle
is, uh, putting you off.

Yes.

I can't stay
for the rest
of the focus group.

Can I still
get my check?

Just stop by reception.

Okay. Uh, one down.

Maybe we should
forget what's on
the cover for a second.

what makes this
book great is that
it's a collection

of real stories for real
women talking about how
it feels to be pregnant.

So let's talk about some
of us feel right now.

I feel like crap.

That's good. I mean,
that's bad. But keep going.

How come no one
talks about how
much pregnancy sucks!

Oh, there's no
glow in my house.

Okay, so what
I'm hearing is that
you're all so over it.

[all] Yeah.

Hello, I'm Orca the Whale.
Like, what's up with that?

I know, they're not
even bloated at all.

Thea, your
sister's at reception.

Hey, what are
you doing here?

You forgot to sign the
release for my trip to Lake
Arrowhead. It's due today.

Thea, aren't you
going to introduce
me to your sister?

Oh, Nick, Emma.
Emma, Nick.

She's in a real rush.
She has to go.

Okay, well, this has been
fun. It's been fun.

What is that?

Just because you
don't like my dress

doesn't mean you
have to be rude.

Move. I'll
tell you outside.

What's wrong with you?

I'm a big fat liar,
but Jerry was firing me

I had to come up
with something.

You are one sandwich shy
of a picnic, you know that?

You're crazy. What
are you thinking?

[sighs]
You might be interested
to know that I got a
promotion and a raise.

I can't believe we're
actually related.

As soon as I can
I'm gonna come clean.

Things are complicated.
The company depends on me.

I have heard enough.
I am out of here.

[soft cheerful music]

Morning, Thea.

Last month's
and this month's.

Wow, early.
That's a first.

I've got
something for you.

Oh, you made these?

Yes.

I went with marigold
because it's neutral.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey. Okay, not that
you're interested,

but the word is
that Nick's divorce
is finalized this week.

Garth told me.

Garth told you?

I've been
hanging out
with him, Miss Busy.

I took the liberty
of picking you up a
calcium-enriched smoothie

and a bran muffin.
I figured you might be
getting a little backed up.

Thanks, Greg.

You're welcome.
Excuse me.

Greg's worried about
you being backed up?

Constipation is
a common problem
for pregnant women.

Ach.

Well, lucky
for you you're
not actually pregnant.

Or do you even
know that anymore?

Of course I know
that. Obviously.

[knocking]

Hi, sorry to interrupt.

wanted to get you
a little something.
I ordered it off of eBay.

It's an armadillo
foot for, for when
you're in labor.

It, it wards
off the evil eye.

Thank you so much, Carl.
That's so sweet of you.

I'll keep it with
me the whole time.

Oh-kay. I know I told
you to go along with
this for a few weeks,

but you're starting
to freak me out.

Things are going
really well for me.

It's not because
of the stomach.
You're doing good work.

The only thing
you're doing bad
is walking around

with a load of
bullshit strapped
to your stomach.

Nick. Nick.

[whispers]
Nick.

What's up?

You won't
believe who left
me a voicemail.

An Associate
producer from the Vista.

No way.

She read the book,
loves it,

with Claire's
approval, we'll be in.

That would be
the greatest thing ever.

Oh!

Oh.

Sorry. I, I'm a bit
of a closet hugger.

I, that won't
happen again.

That's, that's okay.

[intercom]
Nick, Jerry for you.

Oh. Uh, put
him through.

How you holding
down the fort, Nicky?

Good, Everything's
going great.

Working on a little project.

You haven't done
anything stupid, have you?

No, of course not.

You're doing
great, sweetie.

[whimpers]

Do me a favor, Nick.
No little projects.
Don't do anything.

Don't touch anything.
If you need a project,
try Match.com.

It's been awhile since
you've seen any action.

Okay, Jerry. I'll talk
to you later. Thank you.

It really hasn't
been that long.

I'm, I'm sure.

Um, okay. I got a lot
of work to do. So, I'm
gonna go do it.

Okay. Bye.

[vacuum cleaner]

So the book comes
out in three weeks.

That, that gives us
plenty of time for publicity.

I hope you don't mind.

I just couldn't
take it anymore.

Oh, wow.

I can see!

[chuckles]

God. I don't know
if you know this,
but you're pregnant.

Your sense of humor
really takes a dive
after nine o'clock, huh?

Is it after nine?

Yeah.

Oh, my God,
I'm slave-driving
a pregnant woman.

Not at all,
I want to be here.

I do, I feel I'm
making up for lost time.

And I'm really
grateful you've
given me this shot.

So, thanks.

It's my pleasure.

You should be at
home with your fiancé.

Right. My fiancé.

I'm taking you home.

But, I promise to
have ridiculously
high expectations

of you in the morning.

[softly chuckles]

Thank you.

Well, here, no, no.

Okay.

[cheerful music]

[velcro sound]

Is this your first?

Yeah. I can't wait.
And you?

It's mine, too.

Would you
sign this, please?

(Nick)
Oh, that's amazing.

What about
Thea? Thea?

Absolutely, you.

No, no, no.

Yes.

Yes.

No, I stay
behind the camera.

You, over here
right now.

(Nick)
Come on, give it a shot.

Oh, yeah.

Work it.

Nick.

Make love
to the...

Sorry. I know
you don't actually
say that. I'm sorry.

Thanks for coming here
with me. I had
such a craving.

Are you kidding me?
I love mud slide pie.

I think we could
use a little more
whipped cream.

Oh, did I tell you we
signed Bournachle?

Thanks for hooking
us up with him.

My pleasure. Oh, I may
have some good news.

I may have gotten us two
spots in Sunshine Daycare.

Great. Thanks. I haven't
even thought about daycare.

I don't know how you
do it, with your kid,
your pregnancy

and your job. I can't
even take care of my
little sister, Emma.

I wish my mother left
me user instructions.

Well, there are no
hard and fast rules.

You just have to go
with your gut.

Yeah, well I certainly
have no shortage of
gut at the moment.

Well, when all else
fails, sugar and shopping.

Very persuasive.

[doorbell]

Hi.

Hi. Is Emma here?

Hi, Emma. Can you
babysit tomorrow night?

Oh, I can't,
Donna. Sorry.

I have to study
with my friend Chloe.

Um, I can do it.

You know, good practice.

That's right. Oh, God.
Thea, you are the best.

Tomorrow night at eight?

Yes.

Great. Bye.

I don't even know who you
are right now, but you're
definitely not the best.

Do you wanna make cupcakes
and then maybe go shopping
at Forever Twenty-One?

No. Actually I'd rather
scrub myself down with
a pineapple

than do that.

(Kristen)
I don't know what to do.

this was Dan's idea. He
was all, like, let's have
a baby. It'll be so cute.

You know? I was,
like really?

Really? Well, let's strap
50 pounds of cement
to your torso

and see how fun it is then.
You know, I just--
[sobs]

Yeah. I know.
I understand.

I just need a drink.
Or some weed.

I know it's scary.

I mean, the fact that
we're gonna have these
tiny fragile humans

totally dependent
on us. It's kind of
freaking me out, too

Really?

Yeah.

'Cause, Thea, you just,
you seem so together.

Oh, hi.

We need to talk.

What happened?

Okay, thanks
for listening.

Uh,

I uh,

I kind of got into
an altercation with Miles.

What are you talking about?

He was kissing
another woman.
So I confronted him.

And he told me
he's not the father.

So I punched him.

You what?

I punched him.
I couldn't help it.

You deserve better than
that, Thea, a, a lot better.

Nick, Miles
is not the father.

He's not even
my boyfriend anymore.

The truth is,
there is no father.

I mean, there is but it was
a one-night stand and he's
out of the picture now.

Thea, there is nothing
wrong with being
a single mother.

Okay.

[knocking]

[clears throat]
The printer
has a question
He's on line one.

Okay.

Oh.

What was that about?
He looks like a maniac.

I just told
Nick the truth.

[gasps]
How'd he take it?

Okay. He doesn't
think I should be
with Miles anyway.

Yeah, but what did he
say about the pregnancy?

He didn't say anything
about the pregnancy.

What's there to say?

Thea. We should talk.
Do you want to get
a beer after work?

A beer? You know
I can't drink.

[rhythmic music]

Is your stomach growing?

Well, I'm nearly
six months now.

(Thea)
Hi, how are you?

Where's my
sister, Emma?

(Emma coming in)
Hey.

How was practice?

Fine. Same as usual.

Really? That's funny
because Coach Henretti
told me you quit a month ago.

I found this
in your backpack. You've
got some explaining to do.

That's dried cilantro.

Yeah, right.

Smell it.

Okay, maybe it is. But
where were you today?

At Jake's,
waiting tables.

You've been
lying for weeks.

Hey, I learn
from the best.

Hey, um, your
boss is here.

What?

Maybe he wants
to make cupcakes with you.

Um, can you get my
stomach? It's in my room.

Yeah. But, um, it'll
cost you 25 bucks.

15!

Sold.

She'll be right with you.
She's just getting dressed.

Okay, thanks.

Does it make you feel weird
knowing she's naked only,
like, ten feet away.

Em!

Coming.

Stomach.

No. Pay me.

I'll pay you after.
Give me the stomach.

A promise from Thea?
I can't take that to the
bank. Just pay me know.

Thank you.
Here's your fake belly.

Shut up. Get out.

Hello.

Hey.

(Emma)
Okay.

Hey.

Um, I, I just,
I thought I'd
stop by, uh...

I wanted to show
you something.

It's our very first
complete copy of the book
with cover and everything.

That's, that's great!
And, wow, I'm on the cover.

Oh. And we booked,
uh, Tynan's bookstore
for the book launch.

That's awesome.

Well, um, I
should probably
get outta here

and let you
enjoy your Saturday.

Well, um, if you're
free then do you
wanna get coffee?

Sure.

(Nick)
I had a dog once. Then
Jerry stole it, took it
to college with him.

Oh. [chuckles]

There's something amazing
about having a child.

It makes you
feel like a part
of something bigger,

you know,
even if it's not real.
Well, for me, that is.

Lydia didn't want children.
And I never questioned it.

But now I,

I realize, I, I do
wanna be a father.

I've been wanting to do
that for a really long time.

Actually, I just,
just did that.

Right.

We should probably take
things slowly though.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I have to...
I just realized...

I have to go.

There's somewhere...
I have to go somewhere.

Sure. Okay.

My sister...
I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

[soft music]

Yes, she's due
the sixth of October.

Alright. Okay.

That was your
friend, Rachel.
And these are for you.

She saw the book
at Crown Books.

How come you didn't
tell her you were pregnant?

I thought I
told her. It must
have slipped my mind.

Pregnancy brain.

I was planning
on waiting a little
longer to start a family.

Sow my wild oats
a little bit.

But, I feel like there is
a larger purpose for me.

Thea, you need
someone who is
smart and responsible.

Oh, God.

I offer myself to you,
mind and body,
heart and soul.

Let me be your
baby daddy.

Uh-uh-uh, that's
very generous of you.

But it's, you know...
that's not gonna ha...

Don't worry about it.
It's a tough decision.

Thea, can I
talk to you?

Yeah, sure, yes.

Yes, absolutely.

If you could
let me know
before lunch.

I have a J date
I'd have to cancel.

I don't want to
do that if I don't have
to. She's a little older...

So you're
ready for tonight?

Yeah. Totally.

We should clear the air.

I've been thinking a lot
about what happened.

And I feel
terrible about it.

You do?

I'm your boss and
I made... [whispers]
I made a pass at you.

Nick, that's not it.
I made a pass at you.

I caught that pass
and I threw it back.

And I liked it.

You did?

Look, that's not
what it is,

I'm just afraid of...

There's a guy, Philip,
at reception. He says
he's the father?

Do want me
to talk to this guy?

No, no, no.
It's okay.

(Greg)
I'll talk to him.

It's okay.
Thank you both.
Excuse me.

Young man, don't
you have any sense
of responsibility?

I didn't even
know, lady. She
never returned my calls.

Christ, is it
mine, Thea?

Believe me,
it's not yours.

(Phillip)
You can't be sure.
I did the math.

Believe me.
I can be sure.

(Philip)
I demand a DNA test!

Yeah. I'll tell her.

Bye.

(Ann)
Your sister
needs you at home.

A fire
in the toilet?

Your toilet's
on fire? Isn’t that
technically impossible?

Who's Philip?

Uh, an old,
old boyfriend.
Big misunderstanding.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Everything's okay.
No worries here.

Completely under control.
But, uh, I, I should probably
get home to my sister.

I'll meet you
at the party.
Whoa. Sorry.

[all]
Surprise!

[applause]
Surprise!

[gasps]

Hi, everyone.

Oh my God,
Aunt Betty!

Surprise, darlin'. Darlin'.

It's so good
to see you.

Aunt Jane
and I just drove
in from Seattle.

Oh, Aunt,
thank you, it's so
sweet of you to do this.

(Thea)
Thank you.

[all gasp]
Oooh!

Ooh, it's a onesies.
Just what I needed.

We all decorated them.

Who made this one?

And this one?

[speaks baby gibberish]

What a good job, Sam!

[chuckles]

[total silence]

That one's mine.

(Emma)
I just thought

it was
a little ironic.
[doorbell]

(Donna)
More people are
coming. Hi. Who is it?

(Lisa)
Whoa. [laughs]

(Lisa)
Hey, well, I hate
to break up the party,
but, uh, we need to talk.

(Lisa)
Everybody hang
onto your seats

just in case something
happens to her story.

Uh, no, I should get changed.
I need to be at a work event.

So thank you
for the shower, everyone.

Thank you.

(woman)
Bye.

She is so out
of control. Look.
She has stockpiled

all of this random stuff
in her closet. I mean,
what is this? Seriously.

It was on sale.

Okay. I need you to say,
My name is Thea and I
am not pregnant.

This is ridiculous.
And I've gotta go.

Come here.

(Lisa)
You have got
to come clean.

I will. Okay?
I promise. Just not yet.

It's just I'm better
pregnant. For once,
my life doesn't suck.

And I can't go
back to being Jerry's
secretary or unemployed.

(Emma)
What are you gonna
do? Stay pregnant for
the rest of your life?

People will
get suspicious.

Act like a grown-up.
Stop playing dress-up.

(Emma)
Oh, my God, this
is ridiculous. Take
off the stomach now!

No.

Then I'm gonna
take it off for you.

Get off of me!

Let me take it off!

Get off of me.

Oh, hey!
Hey, guys!
Emma, stop it!

[muffled]
(Lisa)
Stop it!

(Emma)
Let me take it off!

Making noise.

They are
making noise.

Hey! Stop it!

Take that thing off.

(Lisa)
I said stop. Gosh.

(Lisa)
Come on.

Stay back!

I'll get that
thing off of you.

Get off of me!

I'm gonna take
that thing off now!

Give it back!

[ripping]
Agh.

What are you doing?
[gasps]

[gasps]

[panting]

You are so grounded!

Forever!

(Lisa)
Uh, ladies.

I think we need
to re-group.

(Emma)
Stark raving mad.

[rhythmic music]

Excuse me.

[gasp]

[cheerful music]

(Aunt Betty)
What are you doing?

(woman)
I thought
she was pregnant.

[sighs]

Um.

(woman)
I'm really confused.

Well, that is the last
time I throw a surprise
party for anyone.

That baked zitti
goes home with me.

[walla]

Sorry. I had to take
care of things with Em.

The toilet fire?

Yeah, I
got the blaze
under control.

You guys are
amazing. This is a
great turnout. Thank you.

Okay.

Time to struggle
with public speaking.
Sit back and enjoy.

You're gonna
be great.

Thanks.

[kissing sound]

What was that?
Are you guys...

I don't know.
Maybe. Kinda.

(Suzie)
Hey. Good.

Good evening,
everyone. I'm back!

(Jerry)
MacArthur finished
rehab a week early.

What's the
matter, Nicky? You
don't look happy to see me.

Of course I am, Jerry.
Welcome back.

You're just in time
for Suzie's reading.

I got a little
surprise for you.

I just signed Rumsfeld
for his first book deal!

Donald?

No, Carlos.
Of course Donald.

I met him
at the rehab facility.

His cat had a terrible
case of sciatica.

They had to put the poor
thing on oxycontin. She
got addicted. It was a mess.

I'm in the middle
of something.

Rummy's book
is genius. It's gonna
put us back on the map.

It's a completely unique
opus about his time in Iraq

sprinkled with some
of his favorite recipes.

It's called "Fire It Up."
Here's the manuscript.

It sounds great, Jerry,
but I've got a reading
now. Can this wait?

You know what?
I'll be reading my book.

(Jerry)
I'm shutting down
your little operation.

Jerry, Suzie's
book is a real gem.

It could be a hit
for the company.

What are you so
afraid of? That I might
do a better job than you?

Hmm. Let me think.

Have you ever done better
than me at anything?

Hello, everybody. I've got
a treat for you tonight.

I'm gonna
be reading from Donald
Rumsfeld's new book.

Here's a particularly
touching passage

about a short rib
recipe he picked
up while in Baghdad.

Suzie's reading.
Go read your cookbook
somewhere else, Jerry.

Step away
from the podium now!

[rhythmic music]

Make me.

He begins.

Agh!

[all gasp while Jerry
and Nick growl]

(Nick)
Get off!

(Thea)
Okay. Okay.
Stop it! That's enough.

That's enough.
Stop it. Get off of him.

How pathetic. You
have to have your
secretary defend you.

She's not a secretary.

Oh, really?
Then what is
she, other than shrill?

She's a fantastic editor.

[laughs mockingly]
Oh, that's rich.
An editor?

So I go away for a few
months, and the world's
lamest accountant

is running
my company with
the world's dumbest secretary.

(Jerry)
All I can say is,

I hope your kid
doesn't inherit your brains.

[shrieks]

[all gasp]
Oh!

(Suzie)
Be careful!
Be careful

Oh, God!

[plop]

[all gasp]

[all]
Oh.

(Ann)
What happened
to your stomach?

Oh, Nicky.

You always were such
a good judge of character.

Nick. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

I never meant
for things to
go this far.

Jerry was gonna
fire me and I couldn't
afford to get fired.

And I thought the whole
thing would blow over
in a day or two.

Blow over
in a day or two?

What kind
of person pretends
to be pregnant?

Nick. I'm sorry. Just...

Please, just... Nick.

[cheerful music]

Hey, Nick, it's Thea, um

I'm kinda wondering
what you're up to.

Kinda of assuming
that what you're up
to is hating me.

Kinda feeling very
bad about that.

Anyway. Call me.

Hi, Nick.
Thea again.

I just wanna say
that I'm so so sorry.

(Claire on TV)
I was talking to
your mother about it.

She and I
are on the same
page on this thing.

I would rather say
extra virgin olive oil.
I don't wanna abbreviate it.

Hi, Nick, it's me. Uh.

I know you haven't
been interested in
picking up the phone

But I just wanted
to tell you how
much I really, really...
[tone]

[doorbell]

(Thea)
Hi.

(Lisa)
Hi!

Wow!

So...

what have
you been up to?

Watching the Vista
on an endless loop.

It's self-inflicted torture.

That sounds healthy.

Well, it smells
like something
died in here.

It did.

My soul.

Thea. You've gotta give
yourself a tiny break.

People make mistakes.

I majorly screwed up.

Well, look on
the bright side.

They're still talking
about it at work.

How's Nick doing?

I don't know.
He resigned.

What?

Did he say anything
about what he's gonna do?

If you're asking me if he
said he'd track you down
and propose to you

and spend the rest
of your lives together?

No. He wasn't specific.

I've been calling
him and calling him.

And he won't call me back.

Yeah, well maybe that
has something to do

with the massively twisted
lie you've told him for
the last few months.

Do you think
he'll ever forgive me?

Do you want me to be
honest or do you want me
to make you feel better?

How are Suzie's book sales?

Good.

You know, uh, there's
still a few boxes

that we need to
distribute here and there.

Oh, no.

Sorry.

Hey.

Hey.

Mind if I join you?

It's a free country.

Hm. What's
in this? Mint?

Yup.

It's perfect
with the pear.

It's so unexpected.

That was actually, um,
my idea. I kind of just
thought it would work.

Dad would
have loved it.

Mom would have
thought it was too fussy.

But she would have
polished off the leftovers
after everyone went to bed.

I'm a big fat liar
and I'm sorry you
got stuck with me.

Listen, Em.
We're gonna make
this work. Okay?

I made an appointment
with the Culinary Institute
to talk about student loans.

And I talked
to Ms. Talbot
about scholarships.

You know,
Mom and Dad would
have been so proud of you.

Thanks.

[cheerful music]

It needs, um...

I think
ten more minutes.

I don't have
ten more minutes.

But it's gonna
be all gooey inside.

I'll just have
to take my chances.

(man)
Here she comes. Here
comes Claire, everybody.

[crowd cheers]
(woman)
I love you.

I haven't missed
a show in five years.

Thank you. But you
should get out more.

I'm kidding.

I'm Thea Clayhill,
your biggest fan.

I made you
a pineapple cake. It's
your favorite, right?

Yes. Good
reconnaissance.
Good for you.

How did you know
about the cake?

Her May 15th show.
She said it in passing.

Hi. I have some
books for you.

Oh, great. Just leave
'em right over there.

Okay. Keep your womb open.

You've got it.

I actually would like
even more toppings
on my-- Hello.

Hey. Thea Clayhill,
your number one fan
with banana cream pie.

You do your homework.
I hope it's as delicious
as your pineapple cake.

[slams door]

You can
hit a few more
potholes next time.

(man)
Claire, I love you.

(Woman)
There she is. Claire.

There she is.
My number one
fan, Thea Clayhill.

Uh, pear ginger pie.

Nicely done,
Betty Crocker.

It's actually not me,
it's my little sister.

what's your angle
besides making me a pig?

Wanna get your
little sister on TV?

I really want to get
this book on TV. It's
really special.

Okay. Thank you.

Thanks.

(Lisa)
Good luck.

Hi.

Hi.

I bet I'm the last
person you wanted
to see right now.

[sighs] Well, maybe
not the last person.

Maybe the second
or third to last person.

I wouldn't want to see my
6th grade English teacher,
Ms. Posey. She was awful.

Or my college boyfriend.
He dumped me on an
answering machine.

Listen, Suzie.
I'm really sorry,

I really wish I could
have been the person
you thought I was.

I just figured
if I told you the truth,

you wouldn't want me
in your life and I really
enjoyed being in yours.

I really enjoyed
being in your life, too,

for what it's worth.

Well, I've got some
really good news.

We're gonna...

Ow!

Oh, my God,
are you okay?

[yelling, panting]
The baby's coming.

Right now?

My water broke
this morning.

My contractions
started an hour ago. Ow!

Where is everyone?

[panting]
Jesse's on his way.

What should I do? Hot water?
Towels? Let's just get in the
car and go to the hospital.

A lot of people can
help us there. I can't
really do much here.

No, no, no.
I'm fine. I'm fine.

My contraction ended.

It'll be hours before
I have this baby.

It's already
that painful?

[sighs]
You ain't seen
nothin' yet.

It's gonna get
a whole lot worse before
we turn this mother out.

What were you saying?

Oh, um, the Vista
wants you.

[both scream]

Are you sure
this is normal?

Yes, it's fine.
The Vista? That's
amazing. When?

In two hours.
They had a cancellation.

Yeah. That's not
gonna work for me.

[both breathe]

Hurry! We're
gonna be late!

[cheerful music]

Hello.

Hi.

[baby cries]

(Lisa)
I think I'm sitting on
something. Like this.

[babies cry]
Hey, Em, it's me.
I desperately need a favor.

Here you go.
Don't cry.

[knocks]

Emma.

Hi, Nick.

What are
you doing here?

I have to take
you somewhere.

Excuse me?

[sighs]
Please, don't
make me explain.

So if you just
get your keys.
We really have to go.

Emma.

Come on!

(Claire)
You're pulling our
legs. Collectively.

We absolutely have
to begin in 3 minutes.
Your guy better get here.

I promise
he'll be here.

He'll be here.
It's gonna be great.

I don't know what's
keeping him so long.

It'd be really fun
to have you back again.

(Claire)
When we come back,
"I'm So Over This,

What It's Really Like
to Be Pregnant."
So stick around.

[clapping]

I need four asses
in those seats now.

Oh, my God, Lisa.
What are we gonna do?

You're gonna go.

What?

I don't wanna go.

(Claire)
How are you?
Thank you. Loved the book.

Come on in. Hello,
little baby. Come on up.

Hi. Hello.

(Claire)
Wow, Laura.
What an amazing story.

I cannot believe that
beautiful baby was
born at the DMV.

So Thea,
any kids?

No, never
been pregnant.

So why another pregnancy
book? Isn’t the market
a bit flooded?

(Thea)
Well, this
one's different.

It's not a how-to
book or a bunch of
rules and recipes.

These stories
are ultimately about
the birth of a new love.

(Emma)
We're late.

I can't believe she
booked with Vista.

It can be messy
but in the end
you're much stronger

for having
gone through it.

(Thea)
Even if you did
something you may regret.

And to be honest,
I was just helping out.

You know, I shouldn't
even really be sitting up
here. It was Nick Steinwald

who's sitting in
the audience right now.

He's responsible
for the whole thing.

He believed in the book
from the beginning and...

believed in me.

and I really can't thank
him enough for that.

[clapping]
Stand up!

(Claire)
Get him a mike.

She sings your praises.
What is about the book
that appealed to you?

Um, well, uh...

I thought Suzie's book
had a fresh and funny
perspective on pregnancy.

Thea was right when
she said it was a book

about how love can
see you through anything.

And how...

if you love someone,

you can forgive
them for all of the...

crazy and idiotic
things they do.

Because love
is a leap of faith.

And...

sometimes you just
have to jump.

Don't you?

Wow. Okay. I'm gonna
jump in here for a second

and, uh, thank you both
so much. Again, the book
is "I'm So Over This,

What It's Really
Like to Be Pregnant."

There's a link on
our website, TheVista.com

One last thing, Nick.
Do you know how
cute you are?

Uh, no.
[all laugh]

(Claire)
No, he
doesn't, does he?

[laughs]
Okay, thank
you very much.
[applause]

(Claire)
Hey. Guess what?

The producer
said there's been
over 100,000 hits

on the show's link
to your book. Yeah.

That's fantastic.

Thanks, Claire.

(Claire)
Thank you.

Hey.

Thank you.

It's the least
I could do.

I meant what I said
about I can't thank
you enough,

you know, now
that it's all over.

What's over?

Working together,

being together, just
togetherness in general.

[soft guitar music]

It doesn't have to be.

We made a good
book together. We
can make another one.

Would you
wanna do that?

Yes. Yes, I would.

Still feel backed up?

Thanks, Greg.

(Nick)
Should it
freak me out

that he knows
more about your
bowels than I do?

Uh, maybe that's
a good thing.

If I've been timing
these right, and
I'm sure I have,

you're up in ten,
nine, eight, seven...

Ow!

(Jerry)
Yes! Just six
seconds off.

What I'd miss?

We're contracting
every half hour.

You okay?

(Garth)
we're gonna kick
this puppy out at 0900.

(Ann)
They should
head out now.

No one's
going anywhere

the doctor
said to wait
until every 15...

[screams]

Wait. You're way off.

That one was not good.

Jesus. She's
having a baby. Now!

(Thea)
What do you mean?

Okay. No, no, no.

What the hell
are we going to do?

Move! Move!

(Kristen)
My baby got ten
on the APGAR scores

your baby's maybe
like a seven or a eight.

(Carl)
If it's a boy, feel
free to name him Carl.

I forgot. Okay.

(Kristen)
Get the epidural.

(Jerry)
Don't screw this up.

Are you ready?

Let's hope.

I Love you.

(Thea)
I love you, too.
It's your fault.

Semper Fi.

(Kristen)
Push! [laughs]
Oh, not yet.

Subtitle source: Labor.Pains.2009.720p.BluRay.x264-CiNEFiLE
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