Original subtitles

WIND HOWLS

No, no, I completely understand.

Please don't feel bad about it. You just stay safe.

WHISPERS: - This is no good. - We'll still get paid, right? - Yeah,

but we don't want our first wedding here to be a disaster.

People will think the place is cursed. - It is. - Not haunted,

I mean, like, unlucky. - It isn't not unlucky.

- That was Michelle. The Kingsleys can't make it either. - Oh.

Yeah, Mike and Valerie just texted to say, "Accident on the M4,

"traffic isn't moving"?

- PHONE RINGS

- Ooh, it's the wedding planner. Hi. Hi, Martin.

We've been trying to get hold of you. - Sorry about that.

I didn't have the Bluetooth in. Just to give you the rundown.

The DJ can't make it but the equipment's all there

if anyone wants to step in.

The caterers are with you, I think. - Yes. Yeah.

- But the waiting staff are mostly crying off,

so it might have to be a bit more of a buffet situation. - OK.

Well, I'll let you co-ordinate that. Where are you?

- Ah. That's the thing. I've had a little bit of a dink.

- Sorry, sir, we need to end the call now, please. - I'd better go.

- Oh, my God. - It's fine. I think I'm in shock!

- Sir, it's time to hang up.

- Right. Got to go. Good luck with it all. Ciao, ciao, ciao.

- Oh, oh, oh...

- PHONE BEEPS

- So...where is he? - Slight problem.

- 'Tis bad tidings for the nuptials. - No, it's romantic!

A white wedding. A white, white wedding!

Oh, I do wish I could see the service.

- Well, that's at the church, Kitty, as it should be. - I know.

- If they can get there, that is.

Beastly terrain for civilian vehicles.

- I remember my wedding day. It was the best day of my life.

Carol in velvet, me in a handsome brown three-piece.

- I cannot bear to think of the joy that would've

occasioned my own wedding day. Oh! - Don't remember much of mine.

I assume it was fun. Arghhhh!

- Mine was at Winchester Cathedral.

I was given away by the Marquis of Granby and the guests included the...

- ROBIN GRUNTS

- Something to say, have we, Robin?

- Well, in my day, you do what you want. You like someone, you do it.

You like someone else, you do it. Easy.

No-one know who their father is but everyone raise children together.

Peace and love. - I see. Bloody hippy, eh. - Sounds awful.

- It's not very romantic, is it? - You, wife cheat on you.

And you cheat on wife.

And you, husband cheat on you with two men, then kill you,

so open your eyes, people not meant to be mon-hog...

..mono...

..mo-hog...hog...

- Monogamous. - That's what I said.

- Dad, everyone's cancelling. - How many men have we lost? - Not everyone.

Sam's at the hotel and the family.

- So vital personnel are all still in the field?

Ah! Michael's back from the front. What news?

- Marquee's fallen down. - Oh. - What?

- Part of it. Most of it. - Oh, my God!

- Best to cancel the wedding, it be cursed.

- No, thank you, Mary.

- We can do the meal in the house. - Good idea. - Excellent.

- How will everyone get to the service? You can't drive in this.

- We'll hike. - Yes, Alan. On foot. We march.

- That's not going to work for Auntie Lou, is it?

- SHE SNORES

- Stretcher?

- Do you think we should just cancel? - No!

- Well, what does Sam think? - We agreed not to talk.

It's bad luck to see each other on the wedding day.

- Well, in that case, wouldn't want to make it worse.

- Dad, I know it's silly but it's the one thing I can control. - Sorry.

- I...I still think we can do this, Clare, if you want to.

- HE SIGHS, BONES CREAK

- You're here and, and Sam's nearby.

Your dad's here and the bridesmaids are on their way.

People that matter, right?

Good. Then we've got to do it.

We're licensed and I know you wanted a church,

but if the mountain can't come to Mohammed,

then...then we're going to bring the vicar here

and I know that that's mixed metaphors and also religions,

but you know what I mean.

- Very good.

- Right, well, who's going to go out in this

and get the vicar from the top of the...

Me. It's me, innit?

All right. It's all part of the service.

All right.

- 30?! - Or at least. Lost count. - Busy bunny, eh?

- This is not love you speak of! It's but the carnality of a beast.

- Let me put you this,

if you had married Isabel and then you meet Alison...

- They're 200 years apart, man! - Question still stands. - Well, I'd...

I'd... - See?

- Right, we're commandeering the ballroom. - What? - What?

- The wedding's happening here. - Yes! Oh, yes, a thousand times, yes!

- Whoa. - Oh, my God.

- That has never happened before.

- Right, I need to get chairs in here.

- What?! Alison, no, no, no, no.

You can't have the service in here, this isn't a church.

Where's the steeple, where are the pews, where are the people?

- No, it's a great idea. What can we do?

- Well, n-nothing, actually, Pat, can you, cos you're dead.

Thank you, though. - Thank you, Patrick, carry on.

- KNOCKING

- Ooh, this looks amazing!

Oh, hi! - You made it! Come in. Come in, come in.

- The key, of course, is symmetry.

Two banks of seating with a clear avenue for the entrance

of the bride.

Let's line that up. Very good, carry on.

- I'm just trying to set up, if anyone wants to help.

- Yep, a little bit higher.

You want lovely, long loops, like waves across the space,

don't you think, Julian? - Mm. Are there bridesmaids?

- Oh, I hope you're going to behave yourself today...

..because I have heard about you.

What do you think? - Oh, it's wonderful, I mean, it's like a,

it's like a flower grenade has gone off. - Oh... - It's fabulous.

Now I was thinking perhaps flowers on the end of each aisle.

A floral streetlight, if you will. - Mm.

Robin! - Robin!

- It wasn't me!

It was me.

- Everything all right, love?

- Yeah.

- Sure I can't help?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

- She shakes! 'Tis another sign!

- She's nervous!

Oh, I wish I could help!

- CHURCH BELL RINGS

Good morning. - Hello.

- Father, I've come to take you to the wedding.

We're doing the service in the house. - Oh, I see.

I, er, rather thought it might be cancelled.

- No, it's happening, so if you want to grab your coat, snow boots.

- I'm afraid I'm carrying a bit of an injury.

I'm not sure I can walk down the hill.

- Don't worry, Father, you don't have to walk.

- Oh.

- VICAR SCREAMS IN DELIGHT

Look out!

- Ah, there we are. - What? That's very sparkly.

- What has happened to ties nowadays?

- Oh! Ooh! - Ah.

- Does nobody wear a gown to a wedding nowadays?

You'd think this was a circus.

- Oh, no, it's chic, and it's now,

and if it makes HER feel fabulous, then, er,

no, very good.

- Oh, and trousers for you as well.!

- Hello! Or should I say yellow?

Beautiful banana.

- Do you recognise him? Do you recognise him?

- Er... - Where do I know him from?

Is he off the telly? - Ooh, yeah, yeah, could be.

- He does look familiar.

- Oh, my goodness, Clare, it's beautiful!

- Where be your garter? The bride must be gartered!

- Oh, no! - Alison!

- It's not, er, Dennis Waterman, is it?

- Dennis Waterman?

He'd be 70 by now.

- Oh, yeah, good point, yeah.

- Mick Hucknall!

- Don't be ridiculous, Robin!

Mick Hucknall has dreadlocks.

- Oh, Vicar, you made it!

Just go through here and make yourself warm by the fire.

- Ah, thank you.

- That took a while. - Yeah, he wanted to do the hill twice.

- Alison!

May I have your ear, please?

- Ah! The vicar's arrived. Good work, Michael.

CAR HORN BEEPS

- They're here!

Sorry, Mary, not right now. - Ah, here we go.

- A double wedding! Oh, my goshness!

- No, that's the other bride.

- For the same groom?

Bigamy?!

- No, they're marrying each other.

- What on Earth?!

- Two brides! Wonderful!

- SHE GROANS

- Is this one gartered?

- Oi-oi, bridesmaids. Tick. Let the wedding commence.

- Isn't that against the law?

- No. Times have changed.

- The house will be brought into disrepute.

It's a scandal!

- Those are the bridesmaids? - Of course.

- But they're wearing burgundy, just like me.

- Wonderful choice.

A darker shade, as if to frame the glowing white

of the beautiful bride, without upstaging her.

- Does this mean I'm a bridesmaid?!

Can I be a bridesmaid?! Please, please, please!

- Yes, yes, fine, yeah.

Hi! Come in, come in.

- Oh, what a journey! - Oh, you made it!

OK, so we've set everything out in the ballroom.

- Oh, thank you so much for doing this for us.

Honestly, I don't know what we would have done without you.

- No, it's our pleasure. It's all part of the Button House...

- ..brand. ButtonHouse.

Available for bookings. Tell your friends. Ha-ha. Please.

- Oh, where is this garter, then? - Er, come through.

- Here comes the bridesmaid, she is a bridesmaid.

- Lovely place, isn't it? - Yeah, er, yes.

I've been here before, actually. - Oh?

- A long time ago, now.

- Well, what a coincidence. - Mm.

- So, I don't know if you've met the couple that own it, but it's... - No.

- ..it's quite a story.

ECHOING: - I've been here before, actually. A long time ago, now.

- Like the beak of a goose, you see?

Oh, it's a lovely old tradition, especially with the bridesmaids.

Pinch on the bum, no harm done.

- These are gentlewomen, sir! Not Whitechapel strumpets!

- You're fun.

- It looks good. - It's happening. - I know, I think it's good.

I can't believe we're actually going to make this happen.

- Er, you haven't seen Clare, have you?

- Oh, she hasn't run away, has she?

Actually, I hope she HASN'T run away.

- Oh, she's probably just popped to the loo, or...

- I'll go and look for her. Yeah. - Erm...

- Just, just tell everyone that we're going to start soon.

Erm, just keep them entertained.

- What shall I say? - I don't know.

Whatever. I won't be long.

- Alison, what's happening? - We've just lost one of the brides.

- What?

What?!

Right, pay attention, everyone!

We have a missing bride. We need to search the house.

Thomas, Mary, East Wing. Robin, Julian, West Wing.

Pat, you're with me. Come along!

Well, come on, man! - Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time.

- Hi.

Er, we're going to start soon,

but I just want to say a few words to welcome you all to Button House.

Er, well done for getting here, in this weather.

Many didn't make it.

Not that they died, they just got stuck,

although the wedding planner had quite a serious...

Nah. Nothing.

Anyway, the best ones are here, right?

Right?

- Oh, here she be!

She sits herein. - Alison!

Alison! We have eyes on the target.

The eagle is in the nest.

- What?

- She's in the toilet.

- Oh!

Clare?

It's Alison. Is everything OK?

- I'm just going to the loo, I'll be out in a minute.

- She sits upon the stall but her trousers is not down.

- OK.

- She seems lost in thought,

at sea, in a tumultuous storm of emotion.

- Are you, are you sure you're OK?

- Yeah.

- Anything you want to talk about?

- I'm scared I'm making a mistake.

- Well, she is. Monopoly is a trap.

- Monogamy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- So, erm...

Vicar? - Mm? - You've done hundreds of weddings.

You must have some stories.

- Oh, not really.

- Really? No stories?

- No, nothing very...

- Being modest. Er...

- WHISPERS: - You have to help me. - Er...

- Alison's gone to find Clare and I don't know what's going on.

- Right. I just don't...

- Make something up? Hm, yeah?

Woo!

- HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Erm, hello. Erm...

I, er, I remember one wedding.

Goodness me, it must be, erm, 20 years ago, at least,

when, erm,

during the vows,

all of a sudden, the doors flew open, and a dog ran in to the church.

Ha!

Barking.

Barking away, he was.

Woof, woof, woof.

But, er, that was just the start.

- Oh. Hmm...

- What's going on? Has the party started already?

I thought I could hear voices. - No.

It's the ceremony.

- Here? - Mm. - Woo!

Could you take me down there? I'd love to see it.

- Oh, I don't think you do. It's scandalous.

It's unbecoming of this fine house and its noble history.

- I think I'll probably make my own mind up,

if you could just take me down...

- I'm quite sure you'll agree with me.

Honestly, I don't know what the world has come to.

Is there no decency any more?

No sense of traditional values?

- Oh, this is happening. - When I was a girl... - Yep...

- ..we were taught at a very young age exactly what was expected,

what was proper!

- I'm being stupid. - Yep.

- Don't say that. - Well...

- It's not that I don't love her.

It's not that we aren't happy, it...

It just suddenly feels terrifying.

- Oh, get over it and get on with it!

You're lucky to be alive!

Honestly, people don't know they're born.

- It's completely natural for you to get cold feet today.

- Yeah, it's snowing. - It's a metaphor, Robin!

- You're a metaphor.

- Don't tell anyone this, but...

..I had a wobble on my wedding day.

I kept thinking, "Is he the one?"

"I'm still young, do I really want to commit for the rest of my life,

"you know? Is it naive to think that I won't fall in love again?

"And all the little habits and the things that annoy me,

"can I really live with them every day?"

- You're absolutely right, he's wrong for you. - Can you...?

But then I tried to imagine living without him.

And I couldn't.

Because he's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

We're a team.

And we love each other.

- Nah, I preferred the first bit.

- ..a nut allergy, yes, because Janet...

- Oh, Michael's here, girls!

- Mike, is everything OK? Are we starting?

- Alison's just talking to Clare in the bathroom. - Oh!

What about? - Apparently she got cold feet on our wedding day

and she wasn't sure if she wanted to marry me,

because of all my bad habits.

- Why is she talking about cold feet?

- What's going on?

So, you know, only you can make that decision.

Can you imagine life without her?

- It's working. She's looking at pictures of them on her telephone.

- Oh, holiday snaps. No, no, scroll back.

- Clare? So, what do you think?

Do you want to do this?

LOCK CLICKS

- I do.

- It became clear that the dog was trying to tell us something.

It was pointing, you know, with its, with its paw. So we...

..all got up out of our seats and followed the creature.

- I fears for the marriage, Alison. Much is not done.

The bride be not gartered.

And where are the bachelors to carry her to bed?

And someone must break cake over her head.

- I'm just going to catch you. I'll catch you up. - Sure, OK.

- Yeah. What are you talking about, Mary?

- The cake what's not broke upon my head so my husband did die.

Crushed beneath his plough like a grape beneath the foot.

- Oh, my God! Your husband died on your wedding day?

- No, three years aft. - Right.

- The couple must observe the rituals for a blessed marriage! - OK.

There's a lot to unpack here.

So you're saying that your husband died in a farming accident

because of something that you didn't do on your wedding day

three years earlier? - Exactly!

- OK.

- We... We, we had gathered around the well and...

Well, we thought we could hear a baby crying.

Nobody had a ladder, so we were going to have to use the bucket.

But, um... There was...

- INDISTINCT

What do you mean she's not here?

- She went off with her mum. - Why?

- She's so upset!

- She found out that her bride might be having doubts about marrying her.

- You told her?!

Oh, my God, Mike. I had it all under control.

All you had to do was just keep them waiting.

- Well, I'm sorry I always disappoint you.

- Sorry's not good enough, is it?

- That's such an insensitive thing to do.

- Is the wedding off? - No!

- Alison, we need a plan. The guests are getting restless.

- Oh, who cares about the guests. To hell with the guests!

What's it got to do with us, eh?

We're dead, in case you hadn't noticed. We can't do a bloody thing!

- HE EXHALES

I'm going to talk to Sam and then you just make sure that

Clare's still here when we get back.

- IF - we get back.

- All this over a silly piece of paper.

- I just wanted to be a bridesmaid!

- You all saw that, didn't you? That she tires of him.

Finally, she sees the light!

Yes!

- Where do you think you're going?

- And before you know it, there's chaos on the streets, mass hysteria,

everyone doing whatever they feel like - stealing, fighting,

anarchy, which is precisely why I won't go near this...spectacle.

- You finished?

- Yes. - Wow.

- Breathe, love.

- Oh! What did she say? - Nothing.

Nothing, honestly, nothing.

She loves you and she wants to marry you.

This is all a big misunderstanding.

- Mike heard you say to Clare that you had cold feet on YOUR wedding day.

- Yes. Yes. He did.

But... But that's me.

Not Clare.

- But why would you talk to Clare about it

unless that's how she were feeling?

Tell me honestly, was Clare having doubts?

- Yes. But...

- Well, I had a flathead screwdriver,

but that was no good because it was, it was a Phillips...

- Mike, is everything OK?

Mike?

Is everything OK?

- I heard Alison telling you she wasn't sure if she wanted to

marry me and if she'd meet someone better and if I was the one. - Um...

..I meant, with the wedding?

- Yes.

- She had an artificial limb that had come loose and also...

- You bastard!

- Patrick? - Come here, you Scally!

You, you reprobate!

Those drinks were for later! Urgh!

- Leave it, Pat. - Argh!

- Oh!

- Ah!

Oh!

- Ah!

- BOTH: Ah!

- Stand down, fellas. Stand down!

- Ow!

Urgh! - Oh!

- GRUNTS CONTINUE HE YELLS

VARIOUS GRUNTS AND YELPS

SILENCE

CACOPHONY OF PAINED GRUNTS

I hope you bog off when it's back on.

- Stop!

It's Kieth Darren Dean.

- ALL: - Oh.

- Who? - Hmm?

Safety rule number one is no...

ALL: - Oh!

- The arrow's gone through that, clean through.

HE CHOKES

We might need one of you to drive.

Don't look at me, kids. Make a path.

You don't want to see this in your dreams.

Oh.

ENGINE STARTS

- Tenner says he stays. - You're on.

- I'll tell you about my marriage.

My marriage was arranged.

I was 14, she was 12. Noble families, both.

Model couple, really, for the time.

We had a title and a big house and the lands, riches.

Didn't love each other.

She didn't even like me.

Didn't laugh at my jokes.

Didn't really understand each other.

She was French, so...

Might have been nice if we could have chosen who we married.

Mike, something's going on, isn't it?

- I may have told Sam you were having a bit of a wobble.

I heard Alison say that stuff about me and I was really hurt.

And I wasn't really thinking.

I'm sure Sam will come around, like you did.

- And then she opened the door and she said, "Thank you".

- And that's it? - That's it.

She loves you.

She was just scared.

- You know, she also said she couldn't imagine living without you.

- Did she? - She said you're the best thing that's ever happened to her.

- Ah.

- BOTH: I need to talk to her.

- I need to see her. And to hell with tradition.

I love you.

Let's get married.

- WIND HOWLS

- Hello, Skip.

- Hello, Kieth.

- I just want you to know, I do think about you.

- I think about you, too.

- About that day.

I'm sorry, Skip.

- I forgive you.

I should never have given an eight-year-old a lethal weapon.

I suppose if there's one thing I could say to you, Kieth,

it would be... Uh!

Of course.

I'm OK! Sorry.

DANCE MUSIC STARTS

MUSIC STOPS

- Sorry!

- WEDDING MARCH PLAYS

- Mission accomplished.

- Hello, thank you. That's...

What? Oh! All right, then.

- SHE GIGGLES

- Julian! - Arr!

- Please be seated.

- You've changed your tune.

- Well, times change, don't they? We should know.

After all, if George had been free to love as he chose, well,

I wouldn't have been murdered.

And I could have had a husband instead who wanted to know me.

And when I say know, I mean

he would give me a really good...

- ALL INTERRUPT

FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

- Waza!

- Terrible story. What happened to the baby? - Oh! Well...

- ALL: - Oooh! - I've got it.

- Double half hitch.

Well done, Kieth.

Well done.

- Who do that?

- Three, two, one, go!

- APPLAUSE

- Good for you, Debbie.

- Now.

There. - I can't just throw cake at the bride.

- But, looks.

Now she will not die.

- MUSIC: My Girl by The Temptations

I've got sunshine on a cloudy day

And when it's cold outside, I've got...

- OK, sometimes it work...

..mon-og-amy. - Oh! Very good, Robin.

- Monogamy. Monogamy!

Monogamy!

- Yes, that's enough. Thank you, Robin.

- My girl

- My girl

- Talking about my girl...

- I think I want another fight.

Can he be a club?