Original subtitles

[ALL GASPING]

Like, it's always such a pleasure going on vacation with you guys.

At least Athens is a nice change of scenery.

But the story's old.

[DISTANT SCREECHING]

[EXCLAIMING]

Actually, I don't think we've been chased by a harpy before.

Only in Greece.

[PANTING AND MURMURING]

[HARPY SHRIEKING]

I suggest we find another exit.

Right, look around. Many of these old chambers have hidden escape doors.

-[CLICK] -Hey, this tile moved.

Any secret exits open up?

-[RUMBLING] -ALL: Huh?

The ceiling's coming down. Daphne, what did you push?

This. Here. His little king foot.

[TAPPING]

Like, hysterical, random tile pushing isn't working.

It's all we have.

[SCREAMING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

Nothing's working.

Hey. These ancient scrolls contain the entire history of this palace.

They may hold the key to getting us out of here.

It says fourth century BC was a golden age in Athens.

A great wedding was planned between Athens and Antagonos,

which would strengthen both cities.

Unfortunately, this union angered the gods

who sent Arachne, the spider woman, to stop the wedding.

LADON: King Alexandros.

I'm delighted that the military might

of your great city of Antagonos

and the abundance of wealth of my great city of Athens

will be joined through the marriage of your son, Prince Shlemielius...

ALEXANDROS: Cool it on the grape juice.

To my beloved daughter.

Your Highness, I think we are making a terrible mistake.

The gods are against this wedding.

Oh, Aeslop, you don't know that.

But what about Arachne?

Please, let's not talk about this. It's a wedding!

We should be celebrating.

Speaking of which, where's the princess?

[GRUNTING]

[STRAINING]

Coming.

Coming.

No, don't mind me.

You guys are doing a bang-up job.

Don't everyone rush over to give me a hand here.

No, I'm good. [GRUNTS]

[PANTS AND CRASHES]

Ah, here she is now.

King Alexandros, Prince Shlemielius,

may I introduce my beguiling daughter,

the Princess Velmonia.

-[GASPS] -[EXCLAIMS]

Father, I'm having second thoughts about this whole arranged marriage thing.

In fact, they're the same as my first thoughts.

Princess Velmonia,

my poison ivy rash is going away.

My dearest daughter, you know our military is weak.

We need this union with Antagonos.

They can protect us from our enemies.

No. My mistress is not some piece of property to be traded off.

Daphne, what are you doing?

I must speak, mistress.

Velmonia wants to live her own life.

Follow her own dreams.

And set her servants free as soon as possible.

Are your servant's words true, Velmonia?

Well, I have always dreamed of being a great mathematician or playwright.

A woman? In Greek theater? Absurd.

-Who will play the women? -Aeslop is right.

Go to your quarters, Velmonia. And take your impudent maid with you.

I hope your daughter won't be a problem.

There are many eligible princesses vying for Prince Shlemielius's hand.

Um, excuse me, mister king person?

Where's the little prince's room? I have to make...

[SIGHS]

VELMA: Meanwhile, in the kingdom's great halls,

sat the greatest philosopher of the ancient world...

Shagrates.

No, you see, man can live without clothing.

He can live without shelter.

He can live without love and companionship.

The only thing man cannot live without

is food.

[CHOMPS]

[GULPS]

So, it follows,

the more a man eats,

the more alive he is.

Dig in.

Shagrates.

Oh, no. Fredricos, not while I am tutoring.

Look, I've captured the fabled Medusa.

At last I can prove that the beast really is...

Uncle Philon?

Of course, you fool.

I was on my way to Plato's costume party

and you bagged me like a wild boar.

Plato was having a party and he didn't invite me?

Huh. Wonder why that is.

Shagrates, is it true that Arachne, the spider woman, has been terrorizing Athens?

I know if given a chance,

I can prove not all of these mythological monsters are real.

Oh, Fred. I must take you to the Oracle.

You need answers to the questions you seek,

and, lest you forget, a stuffed pita tastes delicious

whether you know the ingredients or not.

-Hmm. Well, I guess there is truth in your metaphor. -[CHOMPING]

My meta-what-now?

Impudent! I'm sorry, but I was being totally pudent in there.

It wasn't your place to speak, Daphne.

But, I appreciate you sticking up for me.

Look, I don't want to marry Shlemielius,

but I can't let my whole kingdom down.

But, what about the giant spider monster everyone's talking about?

Could be an evil omen.

I know. We should consult the Oracle for advice.

Oh, I don't believe in that supernatural mumbo-jumbo.

We live in an age of science and reason.

Everything can be explained without resorting to meddling gods and monsters.

Okay. Let's hear the explanation for that!

-[EXCLAIMS] -[ROARING]

Giant spider monster!

Hey. That does explain it.

-Oracle? -Oracle.

Do you really think the Oracle can help me solve

some of these mythical mysteries?

Yup. Like, the all-seeing Oracle is cool like that.

Oh, we go way back.

-[ALL GASPING] -Princess Velmonia?

Wait, what are you doing here?

We were just attacked by Arachne in the courtyard.

Sounds like a myth-mystery.

A mythtery!

Hey, aren't you Fredricos?

The guy Homer wrote the Idiotand the Oddityabout?

That's the Iliad and the Odyssey.

Anyway, we're here to see the Oracle.

-Us, too. -Oh!

One cannot find wisdom unless one is on the path that leads to wisdom.

Group: Ah!

-Wait, what does that... -I don't get it.

Follow me.

-Makes sense. Why didn't I think of that? -Right. Quite profound.

So, Shagrates, I've never met the Oracle. What's he like?

-Ah! -Like that.

What is it you seek?

[CLEARS THROAT]

[GRUNTS] Uh, hi, Mr. Oracle.

Sir, uh...

Uh, Princess Velmonia here.

-You know, from... -The Oracle knows all.

What number am I thinking of?

-[GRUNTS] -Should I marry Prince Shlemielius?

Will there be food?

You mean at the wedding?

-Hmm. -I know a caterer.

I guess if I marry him there will be food.

And my city will be protected but...

Form of a question.

Should I call off this wedding to stop the Arachne attacks?

Even though it will leave my city defenseless?

And waste good food?

What if there's falafel? I prefer mine with hummus.

A-ha!

The great all-seeing Oracle is really...

-[GASPS] -A dog.

-Oh, hi, Scoobemus. -Hi, Shagrates.

Oh, sorry. Hi, Shagrates.

SHAGRATES: So, like, I didn't know you were an all-seeing,

pre-cognitive portal of wisdom and future divination.

Just my day job.

[GASPS]

VELMONIA: What happened here?

Father?

-[YELLING] -[SCREAMING]

Velmonia? Oh, thank goodness! My daughter, you're okay.

The fatal, fearsome Arachne is loose in the palace.

Don't be silly.

What we have here is a mythtery.

That's what everyone's calling it.

My guards will deal with the beast.

And you, Fredricos, will keep out of it.

Well, you heard the king. Right, come on, Scoobemus. Let's go invent democracy.

I vote lunch first.

No. We've got to solve this mythtery.

And the first order of business should be...

[GROWLING]

Scream.

[SCREAMING]

Follow me.

[GROUP SCREAMING]

[ALL MURMURING]

[SHRIEKING]

Hold on.

[NEIGHING]

Hey, Shagrates.

Wasn't it you who proved fear is merely an illusion?

Yeah. I like to prove a lot of things.

In practice, it's hard to debate venomous fangs.

Venomous fangs trump logic.

Well, luckily the Michanima Mysterio trumps venomous fangs.

[STRAINING]

Nice going, Fredricos.

Maybe everyone was wrong about you when they said...

[SCREAMING]

VELMONIA: No, this is pretty much exactly what they said.

[GRUNTS]

How dare you disturb the great Zeus

in his home on Mount Olympus?

Huh?

Hera!

A spider! Zap it.

Now, now, dear.

I'm not going to waste a perfectly good thunderbolt on a spider.

Just, get rid of it.

Ooh, I hate spiders.

Fine, I'll do it.

-Hmm? -Sheesh.

Power of all the universe and I still have to deal with spiders.

Squish it.

I'm not going to squish it. I'm going to set it free outside.

I'll try it from here.

[BLOWING]

There, got her.

There, see.

Isn't that nicer then squishing the poor spider?

You sweet thunder god.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

Hmm? [GROWLS]

[SHRIEKS]

[DISTANT SCREAMING]

-[GASPS] -[CRASHING]

There you guys are.

Where's Arachne?

Like, we set it free, in nature.

Bruised but unsquished.

We have to think of something fast.

I'm worried these Arachne attacks will frighten King Alexandros

into calling off the wedding.

Which will doom both our cities.

But you don't want to marry Shlemielius.

I know what it's like being forced to do something you don't want to do,

and I'm not about to let my beloved Velmonia

get sucked into a miserable life of servitude.

-Nice try. -Drat.

Well, first things first. Let's split up and look for clues.

Why King Alexandros's quarters?

Don't trust his beard.

Your beard-ar seems to be right, as usual.

Always is. What did you find?

According to this, Antagonos is in more trouble than we realized.

Their treasury's running out of money.

There's unrest among the people and...

Why have you invaded the sanctity of my room?

I... Uh...

Came to apologize for my earlier behavior,

My Lord. To lay myself at your feet

and beg your forgiveness.

[GRUNTS]

Well? Go ahead.

Me? Lay at feet?

You're my servant. It's your job to do these things for me.

[GROANS]

Not going to happen.

Uh, Prince Shlemielius? Your Highness?

Are you okay?

My arm itches.

I know Velmonia doesn't like me because I'm itchy.

No, don't be silly.

Like, that's not why she doesn't like you.

I don't know how to talk to the girl people.

I tried to impress her with my faded poison ivy rash

but she looks at me like I have a non-faded poison ivy rash.

Well, maybe there are

non-poison ivy rash-related topics you could talk about.

That's my A material.

Other than the speaking about toys and... Hey, careful!

I spent hours with the placing and the standing.

[GRUNTING]

I've got you now.

Not until the last man falls.

Try with the cutting them off at the pass.

Nobody out with the flanking.

[GASPS]

Yes! I win. In your face. In your face.

[SCOFFS] Two against one.

-[SHAGRATES LAUGHS] -Hmm.

DAPHNE: Hurry up, Velmonia.

It won't take long for them to realize we're missing.

Daphne, I don't think running away is the right thing to do.

It's the only thing to do.

You can't marry a guy you don't love.

While everyone is at the big pre-wedding feast,

we'll sneak out in disguise.

You, as loom salesman Madame Thesi Drapedis.

And me as your long-suffering wife,

Talapouria Gynaika.

No, Daphne.

I am a princess.

A daughter of Athens.

My father needs this union to protect the good people of this city.

And I will not abandon my duty to them.

DAPHNE: Wait. Where are you going?

I must go through with this wedding,

and I must do it now.

Like, you're actually going through with the wedding

to a man you don't even know, or like?

When's the feast?

All-seeing. All-eating.

But what about the mythtery?

I have to do my duty as a princess in our world.

Nothing can change that.

-[ALL GASPING] -How about that?

[HISSING]

Run!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ We got to change our lives

♪ Practice, cite inside yourself

♪ Nobody's going nowhere

♪ I need to say, you gotta be myself

♪ Something's gotta change

♪ Someone is gotta change

♪ Or we can make it change

♪ Yeah, or we can make it change

♪ Change your lives

♪ Practice, cite Inside yourself

♪ Nobody's going nowhere

♪ I need to say

♪ You gotta be myself

♪ Change your lives

♪ Practice, cite

♪ Inside yourself Nobody's going nowhere

♪ I need to say

♪ You gotta be myself

[SCREECHES]

♪ You gotta be myself

[SCREAMING]

ALEXANDROS: We hav no choice now, we must leave.

No, Athens and Antagonos must be united.

Without this union, our two cities are doomed.

But, what about Arachne?

I will not be intimidated by a monster.

I'm sorry, Ladon. Aeslop is right.

The gods are against this wedding.

Eh, honestly... She's not my type anyway.

And boom. There's rock bottom.

I can't believe I let not only my father but all of Athens down.

It's not your fault, Velmonia.

I'm the one who failed to stop Arachne.

Maybe what everyone says about me is true.

The Oracle says...

Probably.

Like, we should be philosophical about this.

When you think about it,

failure is merely the total, utter lack of success in achieving one's goals.

Hey, hold on a second.

Sure, you might be a failed princess, a failed epic hero,

a failed all-seeing oracle and a failed great philosopher,

but, hello.

Failed servant here.

I didn't even have a choice, legally, but to follow you guys into failure.

Don't you see? You all have the freedom to choose your own destinies.

You can't just give up. No one chooses failure.

Wait, Daphne.

What you just said.

No one chooses failure.

-What if they did? -Fredricos, you're right.

That's the key to this whole mythtery.

Guys, it's time to trap a spider in its own web.

What is this all about, Princess Velmonia?

King Alexandros, I know how much you cherish wisdom.

So, I've brought you the greatest wisdom

in all of Greece to offer counsel.

The Oracle? Here?

Like, I called in a few favors.

Ask the Oracle if the wedding should go on.

Oh, mighty Oracle,

should Athens and Antagonos be united in marriage?

Will there be food?

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT] I mean... You better.

I knew it.

Thank you. Finally.

Both our cities will be strong again.

[HISSING]

Run!

[EXCLAIMS]

[GROWLS]

Daphne, now!

-Huh? [GRUNTS] -[SPLATS]

[GROANS]

Didn't see that coming.

Uh, Daphne, a little help here?

Right. Sorry.

So, uh, now what?

Is there a Mount Olympus police department?

The Olympian gods have nothing to do with this mythtery.

Arachne is really...

ALL: Aeslop!

What's going on?

Oh, no. The spider has eaten my servant, Aeslop.

Who will apply the ointment for the itching?

That's right. Aeslop is the servant,

who was doing the bidding of his master.

Prince Shlemielius.

-Shlemielius? The itchy guy? -Yes.

FREDRICOS: Shlemielius wanted everyone, including his father,

to believe he was a weak, immature imbecile,

while secretly becoming a strategic genius at war and politics.

I could tell he had arranged his toy soldiers in complex patterns.

That wasn't a game.

It was a brilliant battle plan for conquering Athens.

VELMONIA: We found evidence that, despite their strong military,

Antagonos was in economic and social crisis.

King Alexandros wanted to stabilize Antagonos through a union with Athens.

But Shlemielius thought his father was weak.

FREDRICOS: Enter Arachne.

By posing as the monster,

Shlemielius hoped the fearful people would think

the Olympian gods condemned the wedding plans.

He knew the failure of this wedding would allow him

to lead a revolt and take the throne.

My own son, a meddling traitor? Take him away!

And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for the itching.

The distracting skin bumps. The lotion...

Thank you, Daphne. I'm sorry if I've never treated you like an equal.

The way you worked the controls

of my father's home security apparatus was remarkable.

Oh, it was no big deal. All I did was press the tiles, like this...

VELMA: That's it! I know what to do.

Like, of course.

The answer had to be at the end of the story.

Fred, Daphne, when I say, open the door.

Uh, hello. Harpy, remember.

Trust me.

Now!

[SCREECHING]

[GRUNTS]

Now, let's see who this harpy really is.

ALL: Um, some random guy?

Yeah, never saw him before.

-FRED: Anyone? -[GROUP DISAGREEING]

Well, at least we solved the mystery.

I'm hungry.

Like, I could go for a really big pita.

Uh, guys?

[CLANKS]