Original subtitles

Man, I'm tired.

I'm too tired to talk.

I'm too tired to eat.

I'm too tired...

I ain't never that tired. [Chuckles]

I'm even too tired to laugh.

Let me tell you somethin'. Boarding school.

Send your kids to boarding school.

America, you know those schools that were invented for rich folks...

who didn't have time for their kids?

Man, let me tell you... I used to judge them.

I used to think real low of them people.

Not anymore. See, now I understand.

If you can afford it, if you got the opportunity...

send your kids to boarding school.

Shoot. Me, I could afford it.

I just ain't got the opportunity.

Doin' real good. Doin' all over the place.

Got... Got plenty of money.

[Sighs]

[Alarm Beeping, Stops]

Bernie, wake up. It's time for school.

I don't feel like gettin' up right now, baby.

I made the kids' lunches, and I fixed a pot of oatmeal.

Make sure thatJordan eats. His blood sugar is low.

I picked out a cute outfit for Bryana. I wish I could see her.

Come on, Bernie. Don't make them late for their first day.

Baby, I got a full half an hour. Ain't nobody gonna be late.

You wanted to be a daddy, get to daddying.

[Alarm Beeping, Stops]

What's up? Bustin' loose.

Time to do it. Come on now.

All right. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's get up. Jordan, let's get up. Where baby girl at?

- Good morning, Nessa. - [Mumbles]

I bet if I stop feeding you, you'll have something to say.

- Come on now, Jordan. Get up. - I don't feel good.

Jordan, don't even try that. And where the hell is baby girl at?

- Right here. - Hey. Now where were you, baby girl?

I was having a B.M.

A "B.M."?

Oh, you mean you were doin' number two.

No, I was having a B.M.

Number two is how babies say it.

Okay, I'm sorry. You're right.

You're not a baby. You're a big girl.

No, I'm not a big girl.

I'm a princess.

Okay, I understand. I get it.

Yeah, okay, princess. Let's get dressed.

Okay.

Yesterday she wanted to be a goldfish.

That's okay. She'll learn.

But I got her into Wellington.

The number one preschool in the Southland.

I mean, look at this brochure. Fancy.

Look at the kids on here. They even look smart.

Just brimming with knowledge.

Baby girl gonna be on this. You watch and see.

I just can't wait until baby girl experience some of this quality teachin'.

We don't teach.

We've replaced the word "teach" with "reach."

We reach the children by focusing on what they want to do.

Oh, I heard about this. It's childcentric.

- Exactly. - Well, it sound like to me, ma'�m...

that you're letting the kids run the school.

Yes.

What type of program is that?

You mean to tell me if a person want to sit in their urine, that's what they're gonna learn?

"Hey, class, Jimmy wanted to sit in his urine...

so we're gonna learn urine-sitting."

That's crazy. I'm sorry, y'�ll.

I just don't understand.

I'm sorry. I just don't understand.

I mean, what's next?

You're gonna start allowing the boys to wear dresses?

Oh. [Chuckles]

We do our best not to stereotype the children into traditional roles.

We here at Wellington have always had a gender neutral policy.

- Gender neutral? - So girls don't have to grow up thinking...

that they only have to be housewives or subservient to men.

- I think that's great. - [Groans]

You won't find any Wellington girls...

hanging around waiting for their knight in shining armor.

- [Chuckles] - [Chuckles] Yes, honey?

I'm a princess!

I know you're a princess. But at school you gotta dress like a little girl.

But I'm not a little girl!

I'm a princess!

Bryana, listen. Uncle Bernie ain't got a lot of time.

Now, on Halloween you can wear anything you want to wear.

But for the first day of school, you gotta change.

Now, will you do that for Uncle Bernie?

- Okay. - Good.

- Uncle Bernie? - Yes, sweetheart?

- Will you do my hair? - Oh, baby...

Uncle Bernie don't know how to do your hair.

H-Hold on. Vanessa, come out here and do baby girl's hair!

She asked you. I heard her.

Do it yourself. I ain't your damn slave.

Please, Uncle Bernie. For me.

[Sighs]

All right, baby girl. Come on.

I'll do the best I can.

Go ahead on. Go on in there.

Little girl good.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

- How you want your hair, baby? - Pretty.

[Chuckles] "Pretty."

Okay.

Okay. Let me see how...

Should I do the back first? Oh, I'm... I'm gonna do the front and then work back.

Do I comb it front? All right. Let's try that.

Let's...

Let me see.

- [Grunts] - Bernie?

I'm sorry, baby.

- ?? [Funk] - ?? [Man Singing]

?? [Singing Continues]

[Glass Shatters]

- Uh-oh. - You did it.

?? [Ends]

Oh, baby girl, you know what?

I'm gonna fix you up real nice tomorrow.

But we ain't got a lot of time now. We gotta go, okay?

- Okay. - Good.

- Uncle Bernie? - Yes, baby?

I don't look like a princess.

You do to me.

Always. Hear?

Oh. Come here.

I know it looks raggedy...

but she's so cute.

She'll be able to pull it off.

Plus, she's only five years old.

Who's she gotta impress?

I got one down and two to go.

[Jordan] Uncle Bernie, I can't go to school today.

I don't feel good.

I'm not playin', Jordan!

I'm not.

- [Vanessa] Go away. - It's me.

I don't think I'm going to school today.

- Why? Are you sick? - Nah. I just don't think I'm goin'.

Why? So you can stay home with Bernie Mac?

- I'm going to school. - Yeah, I think I'll start with some wheezing...

then I'll make myself throw up.

Then I'll stay in bed and watch TVall day.

[Coughs]

Maybe I'll eat some of those cookies Uncle Bernie hid from us.

[Bernie] Let's go! Let's go! Come on now.

Well, good luck. Here comes Bigfoot.

Jordan.

Get out that doggone bed. We gotta go.

I'm sick today.

I'm sick every day. Get up. We gotta go.

Maybe we should both stay home and get better.

- Maybe we should both go to the movies, Jordan. - Really?

Get out of that doggone bed! Get up in there, boy.

- [Whimpers] - Get up!

That boy ain't sick. That boy's stupid.

He act like I ain't never tried that trick.

If the boy was good, he'd have the chicken pox.

Try to use emotion against me. [Scoffs]

It ain't gonna work. It's all about discipline, baby.

Huh! And, America, you can do it too, baby.

Yes, sir. They're gonna cry. They're gonna whine.

They're gonna beg. Try to make you feel guilty.

Don't go for it. You gotta be strong.

That's why that boy going to Catholic school.

- I'm talkin' about discipline. - ?? [Organ]

[Bell Ringing]

[With Irish Accent] You wouldn't believe some of the malarkey going around.

Some of the schools are peddling this childcentric hooey.

If you believe that, I got a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for ya.

What do you do to encourage a child's self-expression?

Doing as you're told is the only expression of the self we're interested in.

Amen. That's what I'm talking about.

We'll have none of that shoutin' in here, if you please.

I'm sorry.

So you guys teach?

Of course we teach. What the hell kind of question is that?

I'm sorry, Your Disciplineship. I am so sorry. Continue.

Father Damien...

dedicated his life to the lepers on the island of Molokai.

No one could understand why he would devote himself...

to such horrible, wretched...

filthy, withered creatures.

And I'd like to think that, here at Damien, we follow his example.

Now don't get me wrong.

I'd never compare children to lepers. Oh, no. I'd never do that.

The lepers were grateful.

This guy kind of scares me.

I know. Isn't he great?

Jordan! Get up, boy!

- I'm gonna count to three. Get up! - I don't feel good.

- Feel better! One... - But I'm wheezing!

Wheeze your butt to the bathroom, boy! Two.

I'm gonna throw up!

I'm about to throw down. Three! Get your butt on out this doggone bed.

Get ready for school. Why you runnin', Jordan? What you scared of, huh?

Jordan...

you don't have to be afraid of Father Cronin.

- Just do your work. - No, I'm afraid of him.

Who?

Jesus?

You don't have to be afraid ofJesus.

He is a little scary.

Wanda, watch what you say around the boy. Jesus ain't scary.

You know what I mean.

Catholics like to show you every detail.

Sometimes they just keep it a little too real for me.

No offense, Jesus.

I want him to get a good education...

and God is important...

but... I'm not sure we should be shoving religion down his throat.

Wanda, can I get some support, please? I'm not shoving anything down his throat.

Jordan, if I have to come over there and shove it down your throat, brother, I will.

- Now eat. - I don't want oatmeal.

I don't want you fainting in school, man, because you didn't eat.

Now, you know you're soft. Eat, Jordan.

- [Wailing] - Uncle Bernie?

- Yes? - I thinkJordan is gonna throw up.

Jordan, you better not be trying to make yourself throw up.

I'm not kiddin'. Now, you can do it. Swallow.

You're halfway there, Jordan. Look at you. Swallow.

You're doin' it! Swallow. Swallow.

Swallow. Swallow. Swallow. Swallow.

Son, you did it.

Now, that wasn't so hard, was it, Jordan?

Here. Wash it down with some juice.

There you go, son.

I'm proud of you. Strong.

You don't know you got it. It's in you.

I'm bringin' it out you, son. You can do anything you wanna do.

You know why? 'Cause you're a Mac.

[Chuckles] Don't let nobody tell you different.

You're a Mac, boy. Am I right, baby?

- [Stomach Gurgles] - What?

[Groaning]

- Uncle Bernie? - Mm-hmm?

Jordan throwing up.

I ain't gonna make it.

Y'�ll, I ain't gonna make it.

Bernie Mac ain't never been late a day in his life.

This is my second... second-favorite silk shirt!

I ain't gonna make it.

Didn't I tell you to put your clothes on, Jordan? Come here.

- ?? [Funk] - ?? [Man Singing]

?? [Singing Continues]

?? [Singing Continues]

Yeah. Gotcha.

Two down, one to go.

?? [Ends]

- [Knocks On Door] - Let's go.

[Groans] I hate my hair.

[Bernie] Nessa, we got very little time.

Whatever you're doin', you got to finish and come on out, baby.

- You already missed breakfast. - Good. I ain't hungry.

I ain't playin', baby. Let's go.

"I ain't playin', baby. Let's go." Shut up.

- What did you say in there? - Nothing.

- "What did you say in there?" - Keep on. Keep on talkin'.

Maybe I should shave it all off.

[Sighs] What does it matter anyways?

Oh, what does it matter anyway?

It's the teachers that are getting tested nowadays.

I mean, you know, it's freakin' upside down.

Are you saying they don't care if the kids do their homework?

No, I'm saying that they don't bother to give it anymore.

I mean, what's the point?

Look, uh, maybe I'm being a little harsh here.

There are many kids that are doing very well...

and many teachers really care...

but, uh, for the most part, everybody tries to not be part of the problem.

You know what I'm sayin'? I hope that helps with your research.

- My research? - Yes.

I was told that you were doing research for a part in a movie. Aren't you famous?

[Clear Throat] No. I mean, yes.

But we're here to enroll our niece in the school.

Ah. Too late for private school?

[Bernie] No, actually, she had three interviews...

but none of them responded to what she had to say.

What'd she say?

Oh.

- Welcome to Baja Vista. - [Bell Rings]

Now that wasn't so hard, was it, baby girl?

Uncle Bernie said do something and you did it.

Let's try it again.

Grab your school bag, and let's hop in the car, honey.

One, two... That's all you're takin' to school? Could it be...

Lord...

I know you're testing me, right?

You sent the devil down here to tempt me with evil thoughts.

Testing my faith.

Thoughts of killin'.

I-I know it ain't right.

I ain't letting go. I believe. I do believe.

[Gulps]

Father...

you say you'll never forsake me.

Don't forsake me.

Give me some peace.

Peace.

You are not gonna be late for school, baby.

Who cares? They don't take attendance anyway.

Girl, don't you care about goin' to school, Nessa?

What you gonna be without education?

Maybe I'll be a comedian like you.

Oh, you got it down pat. You so smart.

- You know, you might as well hold a class or somethin'. - I can't do my hair!

Look here, Nessa.

It's been a rough morning.

- I lost two of my favorite shirts. - [Sniffles]

I've been covered with hair grease and vomit.

I got arthritis in my hands, baby...

from braiding all those black Barbie dolls' hair.

I'm out of high blood pressure medicine.

It has not been a good day.

Now I know you wanna look good for the first day of school.

And I understand that.

And I know you're a teenager...

and you're very sensitive to teenage stuff.

- I understand that. - [Sobbing]

Vanessa, you got to understand this.

Your Uncle Bernie loves you. Okay?

But we gotta get movin'.

Y'�ll didn't think I could be the bigger man, did you?

- [Sniffling] - Nessa?

I guess I can live with this.

Thank you. See?

Girl, I don't know what you were worried about. You look great.

Now come on. We gotta go. You can finish your hair in the car.

[Groans]

What?

What'd I say?

Black women, you need to get less sensitive about your doggone hair.

Too soft.

White women, stop losing weight.

Okay. How do you want it?

Pretty like yours.

- You think my hair's pretty? - Yeah.

Turn around.

I'm the beautiful princess...

and you're the beautiful queen.

You know what? Why don't you go ahead and put that princess costume back on.

I can't. Uncle Bernie won't let me.

- Well, I told Uncle Bernie it's okay. - [Bernie Humming]

Let's go! Let's go! We still can make it on time, baby.

Let's go. Thirty seconds. In the car.

- Uh-huh? - Uncle Bernie, you're still in your pajama bottoms.

Oh, my Lord have mercy.

- [Chuckling] - What you laughin' at, son?

- I can see your mule. - Jordan, get in the car.

One minute! One minute! Everybody in the car.

Told me he could see my mule. Nosy as a damn coke bottle. Let's go!

[Vanessa] Oh, Uncle Bernie, I did Bryana's hair and I dressed her.

Nessa, thank you. Oh, Lord!

All right. Let's go, Your Highness.

Let's go, sweetheart. Let your teacher deal with it.

?? [Hip-hop On Stereo]

Okay, baby girl.

Oh, I can walk by myself.

Hey, Nessa.

Thank you for doin' baby girl's hair. It looks nice.

I know.

Hey.

- Your hair looks nice too. - I'm late.

She is evil.

All right. Come on, my man.

Oh, Jordan, man, I know you're scared.

Adjustment takes time.

- Everybody's scared of school at one time or another. - Byron!

Jordan!

Byron?

- Ain't that a... - That little faker!

Taking me through all of this.

I'm gonna say it again. Boarding school.

Send them away. The further the better.

Europe, Asia...

Ethiopia, Jerusalem, Germany...

l... It's the only way you're gonna get a peace of mind, baby.

Any other solution sends you to prison.

I just realized something.

I gotta do it again tomorrow.

Give me some privacy.

White women, stop losing weight.

I'm sick of it. Can't say nothin'.

Oh, fat people...

Forget about it.

W... No. Midgets...

I ain't gonna say nothin'. You'll probably think little of me.

Cut the camera off.

Homosex... No. Move on.

Move on.