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WHAT A LOVELY SURPRISE!

"Then one day you meet her. Suddenly.

Just when you are least expecting it.

And it's like a voice shouting out: "It's her!"

And you feel you want to entrust your whole life to this person.

To give them everything, sacrifice everything to them.

There's no need to explain, you recognize her straight away.

And yet you are still unsure,

you don't have the courage to believe it, you're dazzled,

like someone emerging from the shadows into the light."

No, sir, just when you'd got to the best bit!

I wanted to know how it ends.

There's only one way to find out, Rotunno.

You can all finish the book for Monday. Say thank you to Rotunno.

And Rotunno will write a nice essay on Madame Bovary and men!

No, I can't write an essay for Monday!

Why not?

I've got a pile of homework for science, and a test.

This is science homework, too. It's a scientific experiment, right?

Rotunno writing about Flaubert.

It gives me goose bumps, goose feathers too!

Have a nice weekend, Rotunno. Study hard!

I've never seen a science teacher with an ares like that before.

Tell her! Women like to receive that kind of compliment.

Subtle, direct, but tender too.

- Shall I write her a poem? - Why not?

- I can't write poetry! - You can, poetry comes from the heart.

From the heart, not the ares. You write one for me.

You write it, you must have learnt something at school.

Rotunno, I've told you before! No playing ball in the yard.

- It's not my fault. - It's always your fault.

- But I'm the referee. - And stop eating!

- It's my lunch. - You always have an answer, eh?

Give us our ball back!

- Here, Guido, hold this. - What?

Here, move over there, you're in the way...

That's what I learnt at school.

Yes, to do sea lion tricks.

You know I would never have found my way without you.

Five years of your boring lessons convinced me to teach gym.

- That's job satisfaction! - You taught me everything.

My knowledge horse! Let's ride the horse!

Get your hands off me, it annoys me.

Oh, don't be so Milanese! Relax!

- Come on, let your hair down. - Piss off!

- Are you coming to ours for lunch? - What is it?

What's for lunch? I don't want anything stodgy.

I don't know. Are you coming or not?

- Yes. - He wants a menu... See you later.

- Can you believe it! - He's so touchy!

We've got some long green peppers!

We've got some long green peppers! Roll up!

Come on, buy some fresh flowers!

I've got dark pink bougainvillea. Look good while you save I

- Good day, signor Guido. - Good day, signor Guido!

- What have you got today? - What?

More or less what we had yesterday, but fresh.

I'll go for the roses then.

Yes, it's May, the month of roses.

Here you are, they were waiting for you.

Thank goodness your girlfriend isn't allergic to flowers.

If she was, she'd have been dead long ago!

- Hello, Gennaro! - Good morning.

Sorry, Gennaro, I have to go.

- What about your post? - I'll pick it up later.

Darling? Anna?

Where are you?

Darling? Here she is I

- Darling! - How come you're back already?

I see it's a day of surprises.

A day of surprises...

- You've brought some flowers? - Yes.

But what kind? Tulips? Gladiolus, rhododendrons?

- I have to get out of here. - Me too.

Let's both go. To the mountains, to Ponce DI Lego.

Mushrooms and long walks.

Reading, resting. Mushrooms with polenta and walks. Bad idea?

- You've packed your bag... - I have to get out of here!

And what's more, I'm in love with another man.

In what way?

Excuse me, Anna...

I'm not sure I understand.

You're in love with another man as well as me?

Not as well as you, I'm in love with another man.

Please, Guido, don't be like that, you'll make me feel bad.

- I'm sorry. - Anna!

You tackle problems by talking it over.

We've talked it over loads of times. It's no use.

Giada I

I'm hungry, make me a snack.

Yes, I know, Guido.

I've tried talking to you, but you wouldn't listen.

You want long walks, mushrooms and Ponce DI Lego.

You always find everything perfect.

Because it is perfect.

Listen, you're the most amazing guy in the world, okay?

So?

- I can't breathe, I feel stifled. - Stifled?

Women become unhappy when they live a happy life, okay?

- Yes!

I'll make you as unhappy as you want.

Come on I

- Who's that? - It's him.

Let's see what's so special about him.

- Please... - I won't do anything.

- No scenes. - I just want to look at him.

Good morning, is it ready yet?

Why the long faces? Have you burnt the chicken?

I invited him to lunch.

- Go to hell! - I'm upset and you're crying!

I should be the one who's crying I

Is it because we can't have children?

Anna, if you don't feel like cooking, we can grab a pizza downstairs.

You're still young, you can be an amazing mother.

Listen, if I look you in the eye

and in a determined manner say the word "adoption",

what would you say?

I'm pregnant.

- That's wonderful. - Yes, but it's his baby.

Go away? I've only just got here.

You too.

There's this foreign guy with a beard at the door.

- Shall I let him in? - A foreigner as well!

Please I He's a Belgian skipper and he doesn't speak much Italian.

Where the fuck did you find a Belgian skipper? Who are you?

I'm someone who wants a bit of passion and joy in her life.

- He's even hugging me now! - He's Belgian.

- What's that got to do with it? - They're more sensitive.

- Tell him to let go! - Olivier!

Put my girlfriend's bag down I

Don't make things any harder.

- I've always carried your bags. - Guido stop it!

Tell him to haul the mainsail, and jib the jibe, I'll see to the bags.

Anna, tell me something, are you having sailing lessons?

Will you let me go, please?

Tasty these meatballs I

You should write a cook book for dogs.

But not normal dogs, poor dogs.

A normal dog would spit these meatballs out I

What a cook...

- Hello, Mum. - I've been calling you for 3 hours.

I'm 80 and I've got one foot in the grave.

I could be in a coma in hospital and you wouldn't answer.

If you'd been in a coma, you wouldn't have called 3 times.

What do you know? Are you a doctor?

I've heard that people in a coma

can wake up and have unconditioned reflexes.

- Mum... - What?

Anna's ditched me.

I'll put your father on.

What's up? Are you owing?

He's crying.

Guido, darling, this isn't right.

There's no need to create a tragedy over this Anna

who your father and I have always considered a bit of a slut.

Mum... who did she ditch you for?

There's doesn't always have to be someone else.

Who did she ditch you for?

- A Belgian. - A Belgian?

- And she's pregnant. - I'll put your father on.

Hello, Guido. Are you still crying?

I said Ponce DI Lego, mushrooms, long walks. Is that so terrible?

I can't hear what you're saying if you cry.

Yes, all right. Help!

Well?

- I'm fine. - Sure? You look...

No, I'm fine.

I think Anna was castrating my creativity.

- In what way? - My creativity has come back.

This morning, I was having corn flakes for my breakfast,

and without realizing

I made a picture on the kitchen table with my corn flakes.

- With corn flakes? - Yes.

Without realizing, I lined them all up

and made a train.

Guido, we've arrived...

- Where? - In the station, you can get off.

I've a lot of respect for you.

- You're a life coach to me. - Thanks.

But this business of the corn flakes train...

you do agree with me it's all bullshit, eh?

- No! - What do you mean?

It's an explosion of creativity I

Listen, Guido, let's organize a nice day out.

Me, you and a couple of girls, okay?

No. Thanks, but I don't feel like seeing anyone.

I need some time to myself, to spend some quiet evenings at home.

And create some Caravaggio’s with mozzarella?

Guido, this is really important...

corn flakes aren't a means of transport.

If it rains they go soggy, and the wheels would fall off.

It's mechanically impossible, I'm 100% sure of it!

Yin...

I should eat iron for breakfast.

Of course I

Five, four, three, two, one...

Put it in, I've set it!

It'll be ready in 7 minutes.

6 minutes 54 seconds actually, some time's gone by.

- The flowers you brought were lovely. - Thank you.

I really like flowers. I like them a lot.

I have a passion for minerals, I have a collection.

I'll bring you a bunch of stones next time.

- You teach at Paolds school then? - Yes.

- What do you teach? - Italian.

That's nice I

And you're a shot putter, aren't you?

Yes I But I'm thinking of changing.

To the hammer '7?

- No, a new sector. - Ah, sector...

Paolo tells me you've just come out of a relationship.

Yes, but I'm feeling much better now.

How does this shot putting thing work?

I mean, if you were to take this lemon and throw it...

could you reach that terrace over there?

I've never tried, you know. But I will if you want me to.

Your friend's getting on a bit, eh?

So?

Alma was expecting something different when you said you had a friend.

And Guido was expecting something different from Peppa Pig.

You were saying you're unemployed.

- Yes. - I'm sorry to hear that.

But...

- What? - No, I was looking...

- At what? - Nothing.

- Tell me. - No, it's a crazy idea...

If you wanted to earn some money...

- If I'm capable... - Oh, I'm sure you're capable...

I want you to beat this guy up, if you want to.

- What did you say? - Beat someone up.

He's so skinny, you'll easily do it with those hands I

And with those arms too I

You give him... if you feel like it.

You are joking?

He's a foreigner. But I'm not racist, he's Belgian.

I'll give you 500 Euros... tax free.

Until...

until...

She's telling me she wants to leave me

She thinks I will be heartbroken

She thinks I will go crazy and shoot myself

This love affair had me in chains

I said enough, and set myself free

The sky looks bluer, the sun looks brighter

My heart is singing with happiness

That girl... That girl...

She's telling me she wants to leave me

She thinks I will be heartbroken

Giada!

More fried fish!

Here.

- What's all this din? - It's the neighbor.

- The Milanese guy? - Yes.

Tell him to lower the decibels, I can't hear the recipes.

My heart!

Giada!

My heart! Call an ambulance!

...b y Catherine de' Medici, the omelet was brought...

as you mentioned before in lesson number 1'2,

was brought in 153.3...

I')! find a prettier one and she'll be left on the shelf

That girl... that girl...

Sir! Sir!

- Are you okay? - Yes, carry on...

'Win

Sorry... Madame Bovary left her husband for young Leon,

because they are both slaves to the same concept of romantic love,

and they share the same ideal of happiness.

- No. - What do you mean?

- No. - I thoughtn

You thought wrong.

Madame Bovary leaves her husband, basically...

because she is... as you would call it, a whore.

She sees her husband as too naive, too ordinary.

I know Flaubert tells us poor Emma is confused and unhappy,

because her ideals were mere illusions, but the truth of it is:

Madame Bovary is a whore.

She despises her husband and cheats on him.

First Leon, then Rodolph, then Leon again.

- What do you call a woman like that? - To be honest...

Don't be embarrassed. What do you call a woman like that?

- Okay, a whore! - Rotunno?

- Sorry, sir. - Don't apologies. 8!

- 8? - You've got yourself a nice 8 today.

If you want, I'll call her a...

Let's make do with an 8 for today I

Thanks, sir.

Look who's here I Go on I

- Not right now! - What are you waiting for?

There's no woman more single than a widow.

No!

Hello.

Hello.

Am I disturbing you?

No.

Pleased to meet you, I'm Silvia. Your new neighbor.

Guido.

I've moved into the apartment next door.

- I haven't seen you before. - I only moved in yesterday.

Can I borrow some sugar?

Everything's still in cardboard boxes

and I haven't been out shopping yet.

- Sugar? - Yes, I wanted to make some tea.

- Yes, with sugar. - Yes.

I'll be right back.

I'm sorry, I couldn't find any.

All I've got are some tins of tuna.

But they sink in tea, they won't do.

I'm sorry, I'm going through a...

- "Tins of tuna period"? - Yes.

I know what it's like, we all have our tins of tuna periods.

I'm starting to get hungry.

Well, we could grab a bite to eat, if you want.

Right.

But I've only got tuna...

We'll eat tuna then.

Right.

Do you want to come in?

- May I? - Of course.

- Do you like it? - It's delicious I

I've another 30 tins if you want.

This is fine, thanks.

Look at all these grave lights I

I should have got the Filipino to clean up after the black mass.

I was joking.

Trying to be witty.

- It's nice here. - Is it?

This is enough to cheer you up, it's my favorite painting.

It's mine too, the Sunflowers...

It's a print, but an expensive one.

- What's this? - I'm from Milan.

I got him to sign his autograph for me one day...

- Daniele Massaro? - Yes.

50 goals with Milan PC, in 208 matches.

- Because you too are... - Of course.

Of course...

- Can I go to the bathroom? - Of course.

You'll never get another chance like this, you know?

Not with a girl like her.

Now go in there and kiss her.

Kiss her? She must be 20 years younger than me!

So what? If she's here, it means she wants to.

She's eaten all the tuna, so if she's still here...

Why did I screw up about the black mass?

It was a joke, she could’ve laughed.

Was it funny? No, black masses aren't funny.

And the Filipino...

The Filipino cleaning up afterwards. Fuck, what a terrible image!

- Who's there? - Guido?

Yin...

You were either sick, or you were thinking about it too much.

That seemed like two good reasons to come looking for you.

Silvia?

Silvia?

No!

I was hoping you'd sleep in, I wanted to bring you breakfast in bed.

- Did you clean up in here? - Yes.

- Who are you? - Have you forgotten last night then?

No, how could I ever forget last night?

I have to go now.

I'll buy something for tonight and we can eat here if you want.

That is, if you're not busy.

I'll have to check my diary,

but I think I'm free for the next 600 evenings.

That's perfect.

Did you really enjoy it?

I never thought a man could make love like that.

Really.

- See you later. - Right.

This love affair had me in chains

But I said enough, and set myself free

The sky looks bluer, the sun looks brighter

And my heart is singing with happiness

That girl... that girl...

- That's enough! - Fuck off, you asshole!

Let him sing.

You've no idea how happy it makes me

I')! find a prettier one and she'll be left on the shelf

That girl... that girl...

- What have you called him? - Oh.

What's up?

I've called him Oh, then he'll answer me straight away.

- Come here. - He looks a nice quiet dog.

Not really, he was born from a gang bang.

He's really crazy.

The other day I met this girl with a Chihuahua.

I've something to tell you.

It was going well, we were talking about sunsets, motorbikes, helmets,

motorbike handgrips, and what does this idiot do?

- Paolo, listen... - Puts his jaws around her pooch.

- I've met a girl. - Is that so?

I've asked her to join us here.

No, don't go rushing things.

No, you need to see her, meet her.

She knows what I think, knows what I want,

because she thinks what I think, wants what I want.

It's incredible, I can't explain...

She always finishes my sentences for me.

- Always? - What?

- She finishes your sentences? - It was just an example.

What a pain, a woman who finishes your sentences...

- Listen... - No, you listen!

It ended badly with Anna I

It's different this time, it's like being in a novel.

- Nice. - Sort of.

She's perfect, but she's late.

- It's strange, in fact. - Why don't you call her?

- She doesn't have a mobile. - Is she a bloody Aztec?

- She'll be here soon. - I hope so.

Oh... what do you think?

He's run away!

- Are you letting him go? - Yes.

This dog is useless, let's go before he comes back.

- Good evening, signor Guido. - Good evening.

Watch out I

Giada I

Silvia?

Hi.

We waited ages for you. What happened?

Yes, I know.

I was sending an email from your computer,

when I started reading the short story you wrote,

and couldn't stop.

I was just getting things off my chest.

Did you write it after she left you?

Yin.

It's a masterpiece, Guido I The most beautiful thing I've ever read.

You're a great writer, really.

Thanks.

You have a wonderful soul.

I love you, Silvia, I really do.

I adore you.

Only in my imagination could I think of loving someone this way.

What's Auntie doing? Why's she stuck to the wall?

There's a man she likes next door.

- Matilde! - Why don't you go and talk to him?

Quiet!

I can hear a noise.

- As though... - What?

He's knocking on the wall.

He's trying to communicate, like in Morse code.

- You knock back then! - Come here!

- It's as if... - As if...

He's knocking his head against the wall.

Yes, Silvia I

Silvia I

Who's Silvia?

Silvia's the decorator who's painting the neighbor’s walls.

- Is she any good? - It sounds like it!

Let's go in the other room and do a drawing.

Shall we have lunch together?

- I can't, I have to... - Have to what?

I've made up my mind.

- I'm proposing to her. - Are you crazy?

- Why? - You've only known her a month.

I can't explain it, but I feel I've known her all my life.

You can't explain it because it's bullshit I

You can't explain bullshit.

- You don't even know her. - Why, do you?

Don't you find it strange that you know nothing about her?

The most beautiful girl in the world comes asking for sugar,

and an hour later you're in bed! What do you call that?

I think it was love at first sight.

I think it sounds like a scam against an elderly man.

I bet you've given her your house keys, eh?

This guy's crazy I

Yes, I can tell you that because I'm fond of you, we're on close terms.

Perhaps that's the problem, we're too close.

You're exaggerating, you sound like my mother.

- Leave Mum out of this! - My mother!

My mother wears long skirts, not short ones!

- What do you mean? - My mother isn't a whore!

I didn't say that... Don't start that southerner routine I

"Leave my mother alone, she's my life, my family."

- Fucking Milanese! - Southerner!

- Anti-Semite! - Negro!

Baldy I

Hi.

Hi.

What the...?

Sorry, I took some clothes off... it was so hot!

You can stay like that until December for all I care.

- What's that? - A Bloody Mary.

- Your favorite cocktail, right? - Yes.

- What's that nice smell? - The bath I've run for you.

- You've run me a bath? - Yes.

- Silvia? - Yes?

- We need to talk. - Has something happened?

- Yes. - What?

It's just that in three weeks

you've made me the happiest man in the world.

You're the perfect woman.

You're so perfect, I've not asked you anything about yourself.

Who are you? What do you do? Where do you come from?

I've told you, I don't like to talk about myself.

Yes, I know.

But I...

- I love you, Silvia. - Isn't that enough for you?

Yes... no.

Why do we always have to think of the past?

Why can't we enjoy the present?

What have they done to you?

I thought I'd never be happy again.

I'd resigned myself to it.

Then one day, quite by chance, I met you.

With your tins of tuna...

your crash helmet...

Bald head.

Isn't that enough for you?

I love you, Guido.

Will you marry me?

- Are you sure? - Yes.

- We hardly know each other. - Who cares!

- This is madness. - I love you.

- You know nothing about me. - Who cares about the past?

Let's focus on the present, eh?

- I love you. - Yes.

Sorry...

it's my mother.

- Hello, Mum? - Hello, darling, how are you?

- I'm fine, how are you? - Very well.

But your father's breathing down my neck.

He says I should apologies to you.

There's no need, I'm feeling better now.

He's feeling better... and you made me feel so guilty!

- Is he still crying? - No.

Mum, I've something important to tell you.

Tell me you're moving back to Milan, darling!

How wonderful! Your bedrooms the way you left it I!

I'll get his train set out.

No, Mum, I've met someone...

it all happened so quickly, but we've decided to get married.

Hello? Mum '2?

Hello, Guido! Are you still crying?

No, Dad, I'm getting married.

That's wonderful I

- What's Mum saying? - Has he gone crazy ?

Have you gone cuckoo?

- Mum, stop it! - How can I?

Do you want to talk to her? She's here with me.

No. Yes.

I'll put her on, her name's Silvia.

- Her name's Silvia. - What a lovely name!

- Say hello to my mum. - No.

Go on, just say hello, please.

Mun mun

- What's she saying? - Hello?

- She's a mute. - That's why you can't hear her.

- I can't hear anything. - Yet she's always yelling.

- I can't hear anything. - We got cut off.

- I'll call back. - No.

Why don't you give me a kiss instead?

- What have you got for me today? - Some nice mozzarellas.

- You've got mozzarellas? - Yes.

- What are these mozzarellas like? - My mozzarellas can talk.

Really 7

- And what do they say? - Take a bite.

Okay then, I'll be a speed boat!

Wrap me two up then.

You've never seen such a back-heel goal!

He took possession of the ball, he turned round...

Van Basten would have loved to score a goal like that.

Forget about the mozzarella, I have to go.

Bye.

You really are an ardent football fan.

I'll take you to eat the best pizza you've ever tasted.

But they make other things besides pizza.

Let's not argue now.

You're so funny when you say that...

They have fish on the menu too...

Good evening, signor Guido, have a seat.

I come here sometimes...

I've worked up an appetite.

- Good evening, how are things? - Hello, Antonio. Fine.

- Antonio, what are you doing? - What?

- Are you expecting someone? - No, it's just the two of us.

- Does the lady use her fingers? - The lady?

- No. - So?

- Shall I bring the menu? - Yes.

- First the... - The lady?

- Is there one for me too? - Of course.

What shall I bring for starters, some mixed fries?

What do you reckon?

Okay, can we have some tasters?

- Tasters? - Two small portions.

I'll bring you a full one then you can share it, okay?

I don't think Antonio's feeling very well.

- I'm not feeling very well either. - What's wrong?

I just don't feel like eating.

- We've just ordered some squid. - Who cares!

But...

Why don't we go to the cinema?

- Right now? - Come on.

- And just leave? - Yes, come on.

Yes, let's go.

Sir 7

- Good morning, boys. - Good morning.

- Are you okay, sir? - I'm fine.

What are you doing?

We teachers aren't sexless entities, you know.

Did you think we only had relations with Virginia Woolf or Elsa Morante?

No...

it's just that the post... the post's odd.

- What? - No, forget it...

Forgive me, this is Silvia.

- Nice to meet you, Rotunno. - What are you doing?

- I've told you about Rotunno, right? - I have to go, I'm late.

Bye, boys.

- Don't you want the bike? - No, thanks.

Take the bike, no?

No, thanks. I got a new one for Christmas.

Come on, we're late for school.

- Was he kissing the post? - He must be really lonely.

But a post!

Silvia, do you want the bike? Take the bike...

Guys, he's losing his marbles.

I bet he has a waste bin for a lover.

Yeah, and he'll take a fountain for a day out on Capri.

Buy this octopus, ma'am I

We don't want it. We've got a suitcase full of them.

- It's disgusting! - Darling, try to fit in.

I can't fit in here, Giovanni.

Good morning I

Sorry I'm late. Welcome to Naples, signora Carla!

- Let's go. - I'll see to that.

Put the suitcases in the car.

Thanks for coming to pick us up

and thanks for putting us in the picture.

You're welcome.

I don't believe a word you've said.

Because I will talk to him now

and make him see that this marriage is madness.

What I don't understand

is what he does with this imaginary girlfriend. Do they make love?

- Make love? She doesn't exist! - That's true.

- Is he taking drugs? - No!

Giovanni, keep out of this, I'm talking to Paolo.

- Do you supply him with the crack? - Me?

- Supply Guido with crack? - You're very pale.

- Do pale people sell crack? - So why are you wearing a tracksuit?

I'm a gym teacher, can't I wear a tracksuit?

I have ten tracksuits. My wardrobes full of them.

- Almost ready. - Do you need a hand?

No, I'll make it today.

- Who's that? - I don't know.

- It's my parents. - I'll go in the bathroom.

- Go later. - I'm going in the bathroom.

- What a lovely surprise! - I bet...

We wanted to surprise you. Are we disturbing you?

No, but if you'd told me, I'd have picked you up at the station.

- He picked us up. - I can see that. How come?

I wanted to apologies for the things I said.

I'm sorry too. Come in.

I'm pleased to see you, but are you staying long?

No, just a few days,

we've found a petit hotel nearby.

Where is she?

- She's here, Dad. - Here?

Silvia, I'm Giovanni.

I'm the bridegroom's father. Pleased to meet you.

Dad? She's gone in the bathroom a minute.

Giovannfs tired. We'll go and sit down.

Is Dad off his rocker? Has his eyesight deteriorated?

Listen, I need a pick-me-up. Have you got anything to drink?

Mun - ml

I want a whisky, a drop of vodka... Yes, a vodka.

I see, look on the coffee table, there's something there.

I'll go and call Silvia. I'll be right back.

- Silvia? - I'm not coming out.

Why not?

- I don't want to be judged. - No one's judging you.

They won't see me the way you do.

- I promise you they will. - I promise you they won't. Trust me.

But they don't even know you.

I can't.

Come on, do it for my sake. They'll adore you. Trust me.

Come on.

Come on.

This is my dad, and this is my mum.

This is Paolo, you know all about him.

This is Silvia.

Come here.

Look at her. Isn't she beautiful?

- Cut it out, Guido. - Why? It's true.

What do you think, Dad?

- I imagined her different. - Better or worse?

- Different, that's all. - Dad's like that, you know...

How do you like it here in Naples?

Did she say anything?

You don't have to answer. We can sit in silence.

- So you've decided to get married? - Yes, Mum.

I know you'll think I've gone mad,

but with her I feel I've found the other half of the apple.

The bitten half...

- I don't know what she saw in me. - I can't live without you.

It's very simple.

- Hear that? - What did she say? I didn't hear.

Your father has suffered from purulent otitis recently.

Let's ask Paolo. Paolo, what do you say?

What can I add to that? You've said it all.

Don't make me look superficial, Guido.

I'm very happy, everything seems so perfect.

- What about you, Mum? - To be honest...

I don't feel very well.

It must be the heat, the journey, the excitement.

- Let's go and lie down, Giovanni. - All right, let's go.

We'll be going then. You don't mind, do you?

Till!"-

You are looking rather pale, Mum.

- Yes, I'm not feeling very well. - Get some rest.

I'll give them a lift back, Guido.

Mum? Aren't you going to say goodbye to Silvia?

Yin.

Dad? Do you want to give your future daughter-in-law a kiss?

- Dad? - What have I done?

- Did you see that? - I can tell he's your father.

- What did I do? - Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

- My glass... - No.

- Why not? - I'll give it back tomorrow.

- If I come back... - Keep an eye on her.

What a tragedy I

No, it's just strange.

Nothing ever upsets you.

- How long can this tragedy last? - I don't know, we'll see...

What?

And to think I hated Anna, but now I wish she was still around.

Guido was happy with Anna, but I'm sure he'll be happier with Silvia.

I think he's got it bad. Didn't you see the way he looked at her?

What was there to look at? The divan?

- Silvia who? - No, I mean...

And you even kissed her... the slut.

Guido kept saying: "Say goodbye, give her a kiss".

It was only a polite kiss.

- And don't call her that. - Who?

Don't call Silvia a slut.

Guido doesn't think she's a slut.

And you don't even know the girl.

Shall I turn it off?

- It's a disaster... - I'll turn it off then.

Yes, she was just a little tired.

I'm worried about my father though.

He can't see or hear very well... he's ageing quickly.

When are they leaving?

Wednesday I think, but they've invited us out to dinner tonight.

What's up?

- I don't think I'll come. - Why not?

You haven't seen them for ages. You can have a nice chat.

- It's for the best. - It doesn't make any sense.

- They came specially to meet you. - It does make sense, believe me.

Will you promise me something?

What?

That whatever they say about me, you won't change your mind, okay?

I don't understand this paranoia.

My father kissed you, Mum didn't insult you, and that's an achievement.

That pervert Paolo couldn't take his eyes off you...

- Guido? - Anna!

- Hello, how are you? - Fine.

- What did he say? - You like ice-cream I

I'll leave you, darling...

- Okay. - Bye.

Still not combed his hair, eh?

This is Silvia.

I can't see anyone...

Anna, why are you behaving like this? It's rather embarrassing.

What do you mean?

- Please don't be so childish! - Are you okay?

I'm fine. You're the one who's not very well it seems.

Really? Why are you eating two ice-creams then?

Are you taking the piss?

Do you want to come on the boat, do you need to talk?

Do you need help?

Do I look like someone who needs help?

Yes, I'll be right with you.

I'm sorry, but I have to tell you. You've disappointed me.

I want you to know that. Why are you so annoyed?

Because I'm happy? Because she's younger than you?

- Let's go. - Poor woman...

No, she's always like that...

Goodness I

Cigarette... no cigarette.

Cigarette...

- Hi. - Hi.

Are you here too? Have you adopted him?

With all the problems we have, do we need to adopt him?

Hello, Silvia.

Dad, Silvia isn't here.

She stayed home, she apologizes but says hello.

Okay...

I mistook her for that lady there.

She's not like her at all. Dad's eyesighfs gone.

What do you think then?

I haven't tried anything, but they say it's good.

No I What's Silvia like? It means a lot to me.

I can tell she's the woman you've always imagined.

- She is, isn't she? - Yes.

I think you're rushing into this marriage.

When you find the right person, why wait?

We want a quiet wedding, with only a few guests, to save money.

If Silvia's friends are like her, you'll save on the catering.

What do you mean?

That she's very slim, her friends won't eat much.

Your father and I were thinking that after the pain Anna caused you,

it's best if you don't rush into this marriage.

We think you should find someone trustworthy, who respects you

and who will give you a hand to sort things out.

The famous third opinion, it's always helpful.

You need to talk about yourself.

I always talk about myself to Silvia.

No!

- Have you gone crazy? - Show him the photos.

What photos?

- Here. - What are they?

Paolo followed you today.

What do you mean, he followed me?

What did you do today?

- I spent the day with Silvia. - Is that so?

You're starting to worry me.

Photos.

My darling.

Silvia only exists for you.

- What are you saying? - She's a figment of your imagination.

- Is this some kind of joke? - No.

Silvia doesn't exist.

Silvia never existed?

Do you want her to exist or not? That's the problem!

Forgive me...

Some people are with real people but their relationship doesn't exist.

So why isn't it possible to have the opposite?

To have a happy relationship with someone who doesn't exist.

Like you and Silvia. He's happy, isn't he?

Giovanni, that was a lovely thing to say.

And Giovanni's right.

Dad, I love you

but this is all bullshit.

Be quiet, Giovanni.

- I'll be going. - Do you want me to come with you?

No, I came by bicycle.

I'll see you.

Day-mm an

Bye.

I wasn't talking about us before. I meant in general.

Shut up.

We have a turbulent relationship, but a profoundly real one.

- It's no use trying to apologies. - I'm not.

- But now you'll have to. - All right, I apologies.

- Holy shit, what a family! - What did you say?

I said "Holy shit, what a family!"

- Will you let me explain? - What, that you don't exist?

I was waiting for the right moment to tell you.

And when would that have been, at the wedding?

Get out of here I

And don't come back, okay?

- Guido, you're going too far now. - No, I'm not.

I'm going crazy!

Didn't you want your ideal woman?

I should've realized you didn't exist.

The ideal woman lives in the world of ideas, not in this one.

But I do exist, and your love is proof of that.

No, I'm talking to myself... I'm talking to myself.

There's no one here, I'm on my own.

I'm talking to myself. There's no one here.

I'm talking to myself.

No, you're talking to me.

- Listen to me! - I won't listen.

- Farewell, Silvia. - Farewell, Silvia?

Farewell, Silvia.

That's enough. It's over.

- Farewell, Silvia? - I'm not listening to you.

I'm talking to myself. I'm on my own here.

Are you stupid?

I've done everything for you. I've devoted my whole life to you.

Think you can just get rid of me?

I may be a figment of your imagination, but I have my rights.

Call your lawyer then.

- But you can pay his fee. - Guido, I love you.

- Aren't I what you always wanted? - Yes.

I've always wanted to be loved that way by someone.

But by someone, not by a no one.

Please, get out. I beg you.

- Let me in! - I want you gone from my life!

Open the door.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

I'd like that lingerie set.

Yes, I'll get it for you. What size?

You don't understand. I want that one.

Sorry, what do you mean?

I want the one on the dummy, is that okay?

- Yes, but we also have... - I said I want that one. I'll pay.

I'll have to undress the dummy.

Undress it then. Can you do that?

Yin.

- You're an asshole. - Me?

The word hallucination comes from the Latin "allucinere",

which means to wander in mind.

But we can also trace it back to the Greek, "haluskein",

which instead means to flee from,

meaning that a hallucination is like an escape...

an escape from reality.

But that doesn't make me any less hot, does it?

Is she here with us right now?

Don't worry, you can tell me.

Yes, sweetie, tell her.

Yes... she's leaning on the bookcase.

Well, seeing she's here, we can bring her into the conversation.

Yes, we could do with a bit of couples therapy. You start.

I...

Let yourself go and try and connect with both of us.

Trust us.

What's she saying to you?

Nothing...

She thinks you should water that plant over there.

- What? - Silvia loves gardening.

Well... she's right about that.

When did you first start to see Silvia?

- About two months ago. - Two months.

Very often hallucinations are a response

to an emotional state of anguish, or even desire.

I didn't know analysts could make you feel so horny.

Doctor, I've lost track.

Why?

- Because... - It's normal to feel uncomfortable.

You must try and see this room as a kind of free zone.

You must feel free.

Free to say whatever you want.

Forgive me, but I have to go.

- Can I come in? - No.

I'll start yelling.

- No one can hear you anyway. - You can.

Let me in.

Let me in, let me in!

Guido, let me in I

I want to come in I

"THE PERFECT WOMAN"

"I met Silvia one evening in spring..."

Good evening.

Good evening.

I'm sorry to disturb you, I'm your neighbor, I live next door.

- Neighbor? - Yes.

- What do you want? - Err, nothing...

that is, I was wondering if you could spare some sugar.

Yes, of course... some sugar.

Come in.

Thanks.

- May I? - Come in.

Sugar...

Well...

that means you're Silvia's flat mate.

No, I live on my own.

I said I live next door, but I'm in the next block.

With only that wall between us.

Great, you're surrounding me.

I'm not with you.

- And your name is...? - Giada, nice to meet you.

Giada.

Strange, I don't know that name. I wonder where that came from I

It was my grandmother's name.

I wonder why I chose it. Giada's a crap name.

I'm not with you.

Okay. Let's start the "soulmate tour".

- Do you like Van Gogh? - It's nice.

Naturally. And Massaro? You're a Milan fan, right?

I'm not really a football fan.

I like figure-skating actually.

Figure-skating?

I even partook in it when I was a kid.

You partook, eh? I get it, you must be the romantic, refined version.

Partake in figure-skating...

Thank goodness I've given you some boobs this time.

I'm not with you.

- You wanted some sugar, right? - Yes.

- Is brown sugar okay? - Yes.

- Take as much as you want. - Thanks.

Van Gogh and Massaro done... we have so much in common!

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

I don't mind the romantic version, but let's have a screw!

That's right, walk out I

Go away!

And don't come back.

Will you stop sulking?

- You don't have to look at me. - You're such a pessimist.

Give me an optimistic version, I was dumped after seven years,

I'm seeing things. It's considered a devastating psychological ailment.

- I'm all alone. - That's not true, you have me.

And you're with the nicest girl in the world.

- Who doesn't exist. - Okay, but that's her only flaw.

I'd like a girl like that: beautiful, clever, who's not a pain in the ares.

- I wish I was crazy like you... - I'm not crazy.

- What's she like? - Who?

Your new girl!

- She's different from Silvia. - Is she pretty?

Her hair's more...

Her eyes... And her hands...

She's got feet too, and all the organs that keep a person alive.

- Does she have nice boobs? - Yes!

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Are you here again? - Keep away from me.

- Good morning, Giada. - Good morning.

- Do you need help with your bags? - No, thanks.

Pervert I

What did I say?

- Gennaro? - Yes.

- Does that girl live here? - Who, Giada?

Yes, on the first floor of Block B. But she's a little uptight today.

Are you sure?

Of course, I'm the concierge here, not an entry phone.

- How long has she lived here? - Three years.

Her husband died recently...

I carry her bags up sometimes.

But that's all because my wife's jealous.

- My wife is so... - You can tell me some other time.

Some other time... they'll all in a bad mood today.

- Hello. - What do you want?

I didn't want you to think you had a monster for a neighbor.

There's been a misunderstanding.

A misunderstanding is when you give me salt instead of sugar.

Not when you take your trousers off.

Of course, you're right... but if you'll let me explain,

you'll still think I'm a madman,

but at least you'll know I'm not a sex maniac.

One minute?

- Come in. - Can I bring my bicycle?

Okay - .

I love Naples, but I've had two nicked already.

- Sorry, what was that? - Never mind.

Thanks.

It's just that...

It all stems from the love I felt for a woman...

except this woman doesn't exist.

I'm not with you.

That is, let's say... she's invisible.

She's a figment of my imagination, only I can see her.

- I know it's incredible... - So Silvia doesn't exist?

No.

- But how do you know her name? - You won't think I'm crazy?

I won't, because coming from me...

Here, lean your bike on there.

No, I'd like to keep it near me.

For about the last two years I've been...

Sorry, but this is embarrassing.

Go on, tell me.

In short, for about the last two years...

I've been listening to you through this wall.

- There. - Listening to me... how?

I hold my ear to the wall and I know all about you.

- Why would you do that? - I don't know...

It happened quite by chance...

I was cooking and I heard your voice and starting listening...

You sounded like the perfect man, because you loved your girlfriend

and you were really upset when she left you.

Just the opposite of my husband.

You think I'm disgusting, don't you?

Do you fancy going for a walk?

Okay - .

Are you back already?

- Why have you locked yourself in? - I was having a shower.

Can I come in?

- Yes. - Thanks.

- I got some lasagna from Peppinds. - Good.

- Who's playing? - Milan.

- Is it a friendly? - Yes, but with a top team.

I I...

Which top team?

Milan-Ravenna.

"V". RIMII...

Then why doesn't Milan have more strikers?

They've got two.

They play 4-2-4.

Sometimes 3-4-3...

Or 4-3-3... But they always have 11 players.

I know, but why don't they have more strikers?

The more they have, the more chance they have of scoring, right?

- In theory yes... - She talks a load of crap.

You drove me crazy before. You miss making love to me, eh?

Aren't you answering me?

What can I say? It's a matter of balance on the field.

- What was that whistle for? - It was offside.

- I never understood this offside. - That's strange!

- Will you explain it to me? - It's complicated...

Okay, but if you can understand it, I can too, right?

Geez, she's such a bore I

Oh God I What's that on her arm?

- What's up? - Nothing.

- Are my arms a bit hairy? - A bit?

- Some men find it sexy. - Yeah, Neanderthal men.

- Does it bother you? - No.

I prefer smooth, but long hair is fine too.

I'm teasing.

Poor thing, she's offended...

What a pain she is!

I was just teasing, really.

Just feel it here... I'll pluck them out one by one.

What about here? No I

Hi.

Hi.

For someone who doesn't exist, she's really turned your head.

Yeah.

Do you still see her?

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to be the woman of a man who has a ghost for a mistress.

Can you make her stop it, please?

And you can't carry on living in a world that doesn't exist.

I do exist. Make her shut up.

- That's great coming from you... - What do you mean?

If reality is living with a man you hate and listening through a wall,

I prefer to live in my imaginary world.

You're an asshole.

Had I better go?

Yin.

Come on.

I need to talk to you.

If you withdraw into yourself, you'll ruin everything,

and I'm not having that. Where is she?

It's okay, kids, I know this lady, she's a little...

Where the fuck is she, Guido? Is she here?

- Shall we call for help? - Rotunno, mind your own business!

- Tell her to leave. - Who?

Silvia? I hope you're here.

And I hope you're about my height because...

I want to look you straight in the eye and talk woman to woman.

I know you've done a lot for Guido.

- Giada? - What?

Silvia's over here.

Here?

Here.

Silvia, I might not be as good as you,

but when he's in bed with me, he has a body in there with him,

a real body, a real orgasm, a real woman!

Not you jerking off on your own I

Please I

Can we talk about this at home?

Scattarella? Let's carry on.

- No, I want to hear what she says. - Rotunno?

You have to let her go. I know she's made you happy,

but only in the world of ghosts.

Silvia, from woman to woman,

you must make the first step, because he can't.

- Talk to me instead. - I've told you what I had to say.

You know I love you, and I don't want to share you.

Goodbye, Guido.

- Wait. - Wait!

She's right. I'm the one who should leave.

- He's lost his marbles. - Quiet!

Come here.

Then one day you meet her... Suddenly.

Just when you are least expecting it.

And it's like a voice shouting out...

"It's her!"

And you feel you want to entrust your whole life to this person.

To give them everything, sacrifice everything to them.

There's no need to explain, you recognize her straight away.

And yet you are still unsure,

you don't have the courage to believe it.

You're dazzled, like someone emerging from the shadows into the light...

- Well done. - Thank you.

Want some?

- Will you sign it? - Of course.

Thanks.

"To my friend Paolo..."

- And this one... - Another?

Yes, write: "To Silvia..."

Of course.

- Silvia? - It means a lot to her.

Idiot!

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