Original subtitles

There's a country in the world that is hard to place.

It's the furthest south of the northern ones

or the furthest north of the southern ones.

It's the poorest of the rich or the richest of the poor.

It's both modern and backward.

Very backward at times.

It has got seas and mountains,

sun and fog.

Maybe it doesn't exist or maybe it's yet to be invented.

Here, in this small mountain village

lives a man blessed by success.

Well, more or less...

He's just a temporary librarian but he's an idol for the idle

because he transforms books into plays.

Who's playing Renzo ?

Renzo looks at Lucia and says: "Will you marry me ?"

Yes, my darling, I'll be yours forever.

Luckily he's Renzo, so look at him.

Also because I'm Don Rodrigo !

But at the best part

Peppino, it's late, we have to go.

It's was 3:00 a minute ago, we were having fun.

"The Betrothed" are almost ready. On Monday we'll begin "Moby Dick".

We need... Who wants to be the White Whale ?

Ivana, no offence meant... Have you got a white dress ?

It's always me ! First Madam Mim, now Moby Dick...

Until the authorities arrived. - Hello Peppino.

Councillor !

This is not joking matter, I've got bad news.

- Cuts are being made. - So what's new ? That's all you do !

You made cuts on heating, on toilet paper,

our most modern books are "The Odyssey" and "The Constitution".

- What else will you cut ? - The library's closing.

What ?

- The regional council said so. - Talk to them.

- They blame the cuts on Rome. - What do they say in Rome ?

It's Europe, it's Europe

We have to keep telling people that Europe is making the cuts, or...

Filthy swine !

Jerk !

- What did I do ? - Aren't you a politician ?

Yes.

Europe wants technicians,

Italy wants new faces.

Doctor, my son is ashamed to say that I work in Parliament.

He told his schoolmates I run a nightclub.

All right, that's all for today.

That's 1 00 euros, do you want a receipt ?

Of course,

write "office supplies for the Ministry", as usual.

- Good morning, sir. - To oppose this political apathy...

- Good morning, dear colleagues. - This is a crisis committee.

We were supposed to elect the President of the Republic in May.

It'll snow soon and you're still opposing.

- Us ? It was them ! - Us ? They're to blame !

Us ?

We want to reach an agreement

in a serene and harmonious way.

A serene and harmonious way.

You total dickhead !

Go to hell...

Idiot, come here !

You must tell everyone, got it ?

At the next election we're voting De Gasperi, okay ?

Sir, I think he's dead, or ill.

I'm sure.

Idiot, it's a sign to tell the right that we'll move to the centre,

open up to the left and join those from the north.

An agreement has not been reached for the election of the President

but people are wondering how De Gasperi got 1 8 votes,

Totti 4 and Mr Blobby 1 2.

I didn't interrupt you, I'm talking...

I'm talking so don't interrupt me ! - Please, one at a time !

Try not to talk over each other.

I won't be president of the club, too much responsibility.

I'm a fishing man, I caught 37 this month !

Three, I caught the rest !

Nonsense, Luciano !

- Dad... - Piero.

- It's official. - What is ?

- You're a failure. - Why ?

You're divorced, you had a shit job and you lost it,

you drive a turquoise FIAT 1 27...

Why are you cooking for these beggars ?

Remember what grandpa used to say ?

Everything that goes around comes around.

Wake up, there's global competition,

time to steal food from the Chinese !

If you want food, just ask. Morato, the bread !

Here it is !

You see ? No Chinese involved !

I want to give you a great opportunity, take it.

Join me with Gymbo, you're old but I'll vouch for you.

Dad, I made 1 ,850 euros this month

plus the undeclared income, I'll make 2,500.

And I've still got the beggars to go.

No, don't pitch to them !

- Shut up and cook. - It's the Carp Diem lunch.

Ladies and gentlemen !

I've known you since I was a kid, and one thing is certain,

you don't live or eat well.

You're unhappy with your bodies and minds.

- No... - But here's the solution: Gymbo Gym.

And your body becomes a gym !

Gymbo One, defines your biceps !

Gymbo Two, triceps and inner thighs.

Gymbo Three, lats and flexor muscles.

For 4,000 euros I'll give you 200 pieces to sell.

It's the Gymbo utopia, anyone can be a top manager !

We have to send a message to the north and warn the east.

Colleagues, there's nothing else to say,

we have to give a clear signal to the right.

To frighten the centre, we must send a strong signal to the left.

Vote for a united Italy.

Who shall we vote ? Any damn name.

Garibaldi ?

Garibaldi !

Garibaldi could be an idea.

The elected President of the Republic of Italy is...

Giuseppe Garibaldi.

All three of us will be out of a job.

We have to end this farce and elect a real president.

You think that's easy ?

The vote cannot be annulled.

- Why not ? - Says who ?

The general secretary of the presidency, whose deputy I am.

There are four Giuseppe Garibaldis,

one is 22, one is a Swiss citizen,

one is an ex-con, one is over 50 and is in good standing.

By law he is the president.

So we elected some random person as president ?

Until he renounces in person, yes,

but right now his phone's off.

It appears he's gone fishing.

- Fishing... - For trouts.

I've been a good father, haven't I ?

Even after the divorce, I tried to set a good example,

to instill values... but he became a "Gymbo Jerk" !

Are you listening ?

You know what it's like to have a son that doesn't share your values ?

Of course, all my three daughters are on diets !

I've got one !

It must be two or three kilos !

Of course, it's a submarine...

Look !

You giant, come here !

Grab it !

What a beauty ! Get the net !

Here, what a beauty !

Come here !

Who is Giuseppe Garibaldi ?

Me, but call me Peppino, my surname agitates me.

Is this a spot check ? My license is up to date.

Oh, the trout ?

I was throwing it back in.

Listen...

you have to come to Rome with us, now.

- Did I win that raffle ? - There's been a mistake, you...

You've been elected...

- How can we say... - You've been elected President...

How did we screw up like this ?

Yes, president of the Carp Diem fishing club.

I've already renounced, too much responsibility, paperwork...

No, you've been elected...

President of the Italian Republic.

Luciano, this is your best prank ever !

I get it, you're the politicians' doubles.

You really look like them, apart from him, he's uglier.

Captain !

- General Cavallo. - Big dick !

President...

They've found a Neapolitan general !

The bodyguards too !

Peppino, this isn't a prank.

- You have to turn the job down. - Or NATO will protest,

Germany will isolate us, bonds will fluctuate

and you'd be the ruin of this country.

Nonsense, I was just fishing !

But... if I have to renounce, then I will.

But first, I have a request.

Come with us, please.

- Luciano ? - Leave him here.

- This way. - The trout...

We'll get you a trout in Rome.

Let's go.

Peppino !

Trout.

What is your request ?

Yes, maybe you already know, I'm a librarian,

so what I'd really like...

To be the director of the National Library.

The National Library ? Aren't there prerequisites ?

You'd prefer a lyric theatre ?

The Verona Film Festival ?

- You mean Venice. - Whatever, same thing.

Think about the actresses...

So it's true you're dishonest.

Dishonest... when negotiating, you start from the bottom, you know.

I get it, you're a clever man.

Let's forget culture and talk real business.

You know what ?

We'll give you an oil company in Iraq.

Peppino, do you like drilling ?

A nuclear plant project, it's easy, we'll never build it anyway.

Have him design another bridge for the Strait of Messina.

- You can draw, right ? - Listen, I want to go to bed with...

- With who ? - Jot it down.

- Tell me, there's no problem. - With a clear conscience.

One moment.

Clear Constance, Ludmilla Lorenza...

There's no Clear here...

What TV program did we put her in ?

Sorry.

I just wanted to visit the library at the Presidency

but forget it, I want nothing from you. In fact, pull over.

I'd rather go with the bodyguards, if you don't mind.

Thanks.

- This way. - I'm coming with you.

Thugs are better than hyenas.

He's holding a blank check and he wants to rip it up !

Lucky us, 50 million smartasses and we got the dumbass.

Marcellino, to Rome.

It sure is long !

Think of an elderly man...

Where are you taking me ?

You look like the chief, the maître,

I need to renounce...

We came via the supplier's entrance but I have nothing to supply.

Welcome, Mr President.

Thank you, but I've already explained that I'm renouncing...

Exactly, until you do you're president in pectore, Art. 76b.

- Pleased to meet you, Janis Clementi. - Hello.

Never offer your hand first

unless it's a head of State or a consul on an official visit.

They didn't tell me... You could've told me.

It's trout, sorry...

I wanted to bring it, but we were in such a hurry...

- Please. - Shall I go in ?

Excuse me.

Do I have to wear a tie ?

I was born with the umbilical cord round my neck,

I feel like vomiting.

Shall we practice your speech ?

No, I told you, I'm renouncing...

Exactly, your resignation speech is tricky,

it'll be the first in Italy's history.

Concentrate.

Fellow Italians... senators and parliamentarians...

In virtue of the great consideration that I have for this role,

I renounce...

Sorry, Mr President, "role" means "presidency".

You have to say it like this: role.

In virtue of the great consideration that I have for this role...

More institutional.

For this role.

Less stiff.

More solemn.

More cheerful.

More spontaneous.

How can I be spontaneous ? I'm like your puppet, Gengis !

The respect for protocol is fundamental.

In democracy, form is content.

It's not possible. This country only had one credible institution left !

- Who's he ? - Mr Ranieri, the General Secretary.

Before taking the oath,

the newly elected President

will give his message to the Parliament.

May the assembly be seated, thank you.

It's like a cow bell ! No offence meant...

Parliamentarians and senators,

it's with great excitement that I speak to you

in this assembly which all Italians identify with.

In virtue of the great consideration that I have for this...

role,

I renounce...

Let's go !

Do you know why hand-fishing is banned ?

Because the trout has no hope.

The trout makes its home in the rocks,

but as it's clever, it always makes two exits,

but the poacher uses two hands and...

You see, those three who are signalling to me,

are leaving me no hope,

as if I were a trout.

- They tried to bribe me earlier... - No, hold on...

Since I said I'll renounce for free, they're happy.

My grandpa always said never give into the dishonest,

so...

I renounce to renouncing.

- I'll be President. - This is a problem...

Three, two, one, clear !

Mom !

- Listen, Miss Gianna... - Miss Janis.

We've been walking for hours, how big is this place ?

70,000 square meters, 1 ,200 rooms.

But I'll get lost here, the kitchen is miles away.

What if I get thirsty ?

Champagne ? Whisky ? Rum ?

A herbal digestive ?

Orangeade, beer, Coke, lemonade ?

No, thanks. What if I wanted a coffee ?

Weak coffee, strong coffee, with a shot of spirits or a dash of milk ?

- How do they do that ? - Discreet presence, our specialty.

- Why do they walk funny ? - To avoid turning their backs to you.

- Where are we going ? - To the presidential suites.

I hope those men aren't there, they scare me...

- What are the ones in blue called ? - Pages.

I'm not used to it and... Here's one !

Congratulatory telegrams,

the presidents ofAmerica, Germany, India, San Marino...

And that one ?

It's says: "Friends of Carp Diem".

How silly, look at this !

I'll put them on !

President ?

Hello... I didn't even dial 9...

- Are you the concierge ? - Yes president

For breakfast in the morning...

- Excuse me. - Yes president

Hello ?

- Jerk ! - Luciano, are you nuts ?

I've screwed up, I don't know how to be President.

You're a great fisherman, you'll be a great President.

- Says who ? - Us townsfolk.

In that case...

I'll call you tomorrow, bye.

I told you, I give him three days. Mary, soda pop for all !

The General Secretary is in hospital, I'm acting on his behalf.

I must inform you that the President...

has some difficulty following protocol.

Where are my clothes ?

Cavallo, I know you ! You're Neapolitan !

Big dick !

- The flag, Mr President. - It's there.

You have to kiss the flag.

Honour to the President of the Republic !

Now ?

Oh, tri-coloured flag

My grandpa was in the army !

- So are you. - Really ?

You're the chief of all the armed forces.

Am I ?

- My grandpa had one of those hats. - Like this one.

- Stop ! - I'm on the list.

There is no list.

- I'm the President's son. - Get out.

You're in great shape, do you use Gymbo Gym ?

Dad, it's me !

- Piero ! - Where are you going ?

Where are you going ?

What the hell are you doing ?

Mr President !

Where are you going ?

Our reporter at Parliament has an urgent bulletin.

We're live from Parliament where something strange...

is happening.

The President of the Republic is running with...

I like him a lot.

Go, go !

Forward !

Fantastic !

Well, an oval office sure is fascinating !

- This is rectangular... - All right, listen.

Where will you put me ?

- Well, there are 1 ,200 rooms... - No, job-wise.

A public office or, commission me a project !

Something that'll never be built, like the bridge in Messina.

- You sound like them. - Who's them ?

You're a child of these politics !

20 years of television politics have rotted your brain !

Bravo.

The passionate tone works, but you need to work on your posture.

- Strengthen your back muscles. - I'm being serious.

I've been President for one day and already you want a leg-up.

And you're asking me here ?

- No ! - What is it ?

You're being bugged, how cool !

I'm not being bugged, I'm angry ! I hate nepotism !

To avoid nepotism I've turned down millions of opportunities.

- Just the thought suffocates me. - Calm down.

- This is too tight. - Is that better ?

Dad, think about it, you're the President of the Republic !

Your son can't be a Gymbo Gym salesman.

I don't want you to be one,

but you see...

you have to find your own path.

Enough !

If you refuse to help me, I'll leave and never come back !

- A project ? - You decide.

I can't, I'd rather resign than use favouritism.

Piero...

NATO, banks, freemasons, great powers...

they're all asking why we elected him !

My housekeeper asked me too !

Listen...

can't we say we made a mistake ?

To my housekeeper yes but not to NATO !

Enough !

In this country there's only one law that's never been broken.

To be a politician, you have to be blackmailable.

We need to know your price, how long your leash is...

Otherwise, we can't control you

therefore we don't want you.

It's a question of coherence.

We have to get rid of him.

We have to apply a strong political strategy.

Such as ?

Drag him through the shit.

PRESIDENT OR LAUGHING STOCK ?

AN EMBARRASSING SHOW

THE WORLD IS LAUGHING AT US

THE PRESIDENT'S IDEA

THE MILITARY PRESIDENT

Mr President, your debut was somewhat naive.

Your popularity has decreased to 25%.

- People say you're unsuitable. - They're right.

But I'm learning slowly.

Soda pop !

No.

No, we have to respond to this.

It says I earn 239,000 euros a year !

That's what you earn, Mr President.

When did I sign this contract ?

It's not a contract, it's the 1 985 law, number 74...

- Let's change the law. - You need a majority vote.

I don't think you'll obtain that.

Why ?

If they lower your salary,

they'll have to lower theirs too.

And ours too.

I don't want all that money, I don't need it.

There's a recession, people are struggling.

My friend Luciano supports 3 kids with 1 ,400 euros a month.

If he knows I earn that much, what'll I say ?

You tell me, you're a communications expert.

Luciano's my mate, imagine when I'd ask him what to say to Putin.

Morelli, the communications expert.

I know you were recently fired... I read it in the papers, yes.

Can I give you 1 ,000 euros a month until you find a job ?

Good morning, listen...

I'm rich...

I'll prove life is good, give me your bank details.

I hope for a greater collaboration between our two countries.

We've read this wad of paper for an hour,

can you ask him if he prefers pizza or spaghetti ?

They agree with the UN's intervention in the zone

to resolve the problem on a global level.

If I'm talking bullshit, say so !

No, don't say it...

PRESIDENT INSULTS THE EMIR

TIME TO RESIGN

The best is yet to come, my dear colleagues,

listen to this, the President's rap !

It's a hit all over Italy !

If I'm talking bullshit, say so

Say so, so

It's brilliant !

You can't tell me that I have to stroke a child's head,

I know how to talk to kids !

- Children can be unpredictable... - Can you be quiet for a moment ?

- Good morning, children. - Good morning, Mr President !

- Son, what year are you in ? - Year three.

You've got a girlfriend, what's her name ?

Arturo, I'm a boy.

Each to their own.

It happens in nature, males sometimes mate...

I mean, in the sense...

Some fish are born male but then end up female...

they reproduce by...

It's parthenogenesis...

Your science teacher will explain...

Not now, when you're in class...

She will explain...

It's not autoeroticism, but...

Arturo...

Why do they write these things ?

I told you to stick to the text.

- Did you sign the law bill ? - No, it's incomprehensible.

- We've already checked it. - So I sign and you check ?

- That's protocol, but as you wish. - It's incomprehensible.

That's why we check it.

You don't have a boyfriend, do you ?

No.

Good evening. Sit down, let's eat together.

Thank you, sir, but I've eaten.

Tonight I'd like some...

broth,

like yesterday

and the day before.

That's enough, it's plenty...

Good evening.

- What football team do you support ? - The National team.

Of course.

No use in asking you anything...

I know you're sick to death of protocol too.

Well, I'm going to eat a pizza.

You're dead, right ?

Evening, say hi to the President for me.

Yeah, right... dummies...

This square is damn nice !

Do you speak Italian ?

You should say "si" then.

The tempura's freezing !

Listen, do you know of a good pizzeria ?

Cool, what are they ?

- "Lolablades". - Can I buy some ?

- Yes. - Where ?

- Yes ! - Forget it !

Yes !

I'm supposed to approve laws I don't understand.

Not that you understand either...

You understand ? Do you ?

Sorry, sorry, sorry

You are the President !

No...

- You are. - No...

- He's the President. - Not all bald guys are president !

He's the spitting image !

Grab a chair, sit down.

That's the President !

Excuse me, may I ?

- The waiter says he's the President. - In a pizzeria ?

Mr President ! Join us, come on !

Come on, Mr President !

Peppino ! Peppino !

Has everyone read it ? All of you ?

- Yes ! - Hands up if you understood it !

Hands up if you didn't !

My grandpa used to say: "If in doubt, don't sign."

Right !

If we don't understand the laws, how can we follow them ?

Until the law is clear, I refuse to sign !

This President's cool, I'll put this on Facebook !

General, I'm coming !

A pizza and a beer ! I've got the receipt !

I swear I won't do it again, but don't tell Miss Janis.

- Is everything okay ? - No, I'm out of wine.

He's burning up... Give me a hand, come on.

Mr President, what are you doing ?

I've got loads of rooms, I'm taking him home.

I can't let him freeze to death.

- We don't even know who he is ! - What's your name ?

- Boozer. - Now we know.

It's warm in here...

- Tony... - Who's Tony ?

Tony is a dear friend of mine who has pneumonia,

and in this cold, Tony will end up...

General ?

Mr President...

- Is it good ? - Can I have something stronger ?

Boozer, go easy.

I saw Linda, she's in a bad way.

- She's under the bridge by the river. - Who's Linda ?

You shouldn't have discharged yourself until you were well.

The President's getting better, he's more formal.

In fact, I think he's starting to like protocol.

Goddammit, it stinks of shit.

Janis, who are these tramps ?

Who are you ! We're friends of Peppino !

Mom !

- President, this is unacceptable ! - What's the problem ?

- It was just a heartfelt gesture. - It's happened before.

President Saragat took in earthquake victims who stayed for 22 years.

- It's warmer today, they can go. - You think that solves things ?

Your acts of bravado can have a devastating effect.

It's a huge success !

The video on "You Reporter"...

It's a huge success, congratulations !

- It's been shared by thousands. - What has ?

- The video of your proposal. - What proposal ?

The one you made in the pizzeria, 91 % like it.

- Grand slam ! - Meaning ?

- On the TV news ! - Tell me what's going on !

Later, the President has interviews to do.

Consensus is at 31 % and rising.

You finish this, grazing is relaxing.

President ! Wait !

Mr President !

Mr President...

What are you doing ?

We've been looking for you.

- It's my end of year speech tonight. - It's November 1 0th.

You're such a stickler, Miss Jarvis !

Come on, get to work !

Ladies, gentlemen, children,

this is my end of year speech.

I know, it's not the end of the year,

but I couldn't wait to tell you what I've found out.

I've found out that for every problem we have,

there has been a solution, for years.

Certain experts and associations wrote them

but for years they've been hidden away, forgotten by all.

I'll start with an interesting one: "End food wastage".

Give me a sausage !

It was sent by Luciana from Palermo.

The food we throw away in one year

could feed 4 million people in the world for free.

She explains how.

Today we'll talk about a tax reform to make everyone pay taxes,

as proposed by Professor Fusco from the University of Bologna.

This one's great, how to create resources,

this proposal suggests cutting 20% of military costs

without reducing our defence system.

Incentivise green housing with no cost for the State.

All empty houses should be seized

and offered to the homeless at market prices.

Municipal property tax...

everyone pays this, of course... ladies, lords, monsignors...

These are some law proposals, if you like them, and I think you do,

you can sign a petition for Parliament to approve them.

It's almost New Year...

1 ,200 citizen committees support "The Project Hub".

84 constitutionalists signed the "Clear Laws" proposal.

Guys, this is no joke !

Our army was invited to star in a Broadway musical.

No, gentlemen, this guy isn't alone,

he's got sophisticated minds behind him.

Who, the CIA, the Freemasons, the great powers ? Who ?

- The mafia ! - No, not the mafia.

This morning they said they oppose him.

I heard them on the radio.

Where the hell is it ?

Who is it ?

Of course... yes, sir.

Whenever you want.

Yes, sir.

The great powers want to see us.

Shit, not the great powers...

Let's go.

- You're behind the president. - We know.

Why do you think that we're behind the President ?

Because his projects would resolve Italy's problems.

We've always profited from Italy's problems.

It's our main resource.

They are an essential resource for us too.

Without wastage, how do you keep your clientele ?

Without disasters to resolve

what can we promise the electorate ?

- You caused this problem. - You have to make him resign.

But how ?

Consensus is 72% in his favour.

Yes, but you have the Secret Services, bribe them.

They're used to it anyway.

Ask for Fausto.

Excuse me... thank you.

Sorry about the place,

but the city is full of bugs.

Nice to meet you, I'm Fausto.

Were you in charge of the side-tracking at the massacre...

Yes, side-tracking was my specialty.

We just wanted to...

Lead the President to an impeachment, I know.

To eliminate a president, there are two schools:

the old-fashioned one, suicide or accident,

and the modern one, slander.

Slander, it's cleaner !

Slander is my speciality.

In this country, on average people have...

four skeletons in their cupboard.

Not him, he's got absolutely nothing.

I followed him, turned him inside out, but found nothing.

Nothing, until...

I listened to one of his calls yesterday.

Sir, you should read this bulletin.

No !

Goddammit !

These shoes were handmade, they cost me 3,000 euros !

This bulletin is crap,

I'll clean my shoes with this, in fact, you know what ?

You do it. Go on !

I don't clean up shit. I refuse.

Yesterday, the President spoke to a girl...

Go !

With a girl who used to visit his library when he worked there

and now she works in nightclubs.

- Get some champagne, let's celebrate. - And wash your hands.

Listen.

Peppino, I need 5,000 euros, for butt implants.

Yes, but in exchange I want you know what...

Oh, that's all you think about... Let's speak tomorrow.

- Okay. - Come at 3:00.

You look nice dressed as the President !

You look nice... dressed.

- Coffee ? - Okay.

Take a coffee break.

A long one.

Nice and hot.

- With cream? - Yes.

- Do you want sugar ? - Yes.

I usually take two sugars.

Well ? Can you give me 5,000 euros ?

It's here,

but you know what I want first.

I've been asking you since you were 1 6.

Why do I need a high school diploma ?

Because you were reading Foscolo at 9.

Who ?

Peppino, why are you doing this ?

Don't you like me ?

Of course I do, if I could I'd shag that poster of you !

Why do I have to go to school ?

Let's go to bed, okay ?

No, you want the money, this is business, not sex. It's sad.

Damn you !

Go to hell !

Fuck you !

I'll get my diploma.

I've been missing Foscolo.

Who is Foscolo ?

Months and months of tapped calls and this is the result !

In fact,

if these recordings get out, he'll look like a saint.

- And you'll be in the shit. - Can't you do something ?

If there's no skeleton in his cupboard, I'll put one there.

That's how Mr Fausto works.

They're hungry.

In this truly unprecedented case...

the inverted tapped calls have worked in favour

of our President of the Republic.

- Let's listen. - You were fired,

I'll give you 1 ,000 euros a month until you find a job.

I'd rather resign than show favouritism to my son.

This must be a joke !

I've never seen a politician

that gives away money instead of stealing it !

Is he really a politician ?

Peppino ! Peppino !

What are you doing ?

I spend millions on posters when all it takes

is giving money to the poor !

No, monsignor, I was wondering...

do you happen to know any poor people ?

Natasha, your brother's no good, he's got a Porsche.

Even if he's got debts in Ukraine, he's no good.

Ukraine, the Ukraine...

With Gymbo, it's up you go

Every day, you will know

With Gymbo, you'll do more

You'll be better, that's for sure

Piero, what is this ?

"Dear Colonel, Gymbo Gym gives you iron muscles

and boosts soldiers' egos." With an apostrophe too.

"Once you've tried it, I'm sure you'll order thousands

to help Italy and its soldiers." Signed: The President.

Mr President, I wanted to order 2,000 of them.

- 3,000 in fact. - I forbid you, this is forged !

Exactly.

Dad, it's a prank, you do plenty of them !

Pranks are used to cheer people up, not to make money.

- Grandpa used to say... - Damn you, and grandpa !

You help all of Italy, but not your son. You're a shit father.

Mr President, help him, they love it when you help out.

- Right, Major ? - Yes, dad !

Okay, well...

Luciano Cassetti ?

Yes.

What do you want ?

Report your friend Peppino for having strangled his grandpa.

What ? Peppino's grandpa died from emphysema.

Yes, but Peppino was with him, looking after him.

- Strange, don't you think ? - No.

Peppino loved him and took care of him.

Bullshit, he wanted his inheritance

because he'd fallen in love with Ramona here.

- Tell him what he said. - Peppino always used to say:

"I'll kill my grandpa and buy you a nice house in town."

You see ? We have a witness,

but if some biased judge doesn't believe her

then it'll be your turn,

you've known all along and you're filled with regret.

Peppino's in charge of the country...

- You must tell the truth. - I'll report you !

Really ? Shall we report you too ?

For selling cattle with no receipts.

False EU refund requests, undocumented workers paid in cash,

- and a pothead daughter. - She's not a pothead !

Here.

It's all there, take your time.

Look.

Plus, there's the baker's wife.

Your wife'll understand, there's a photo.

And if that's not enough, Ramona...

when you were a minor, who drugged you,

raped you

and forced you to sell your innocent body ?

He did, Luciano Cassetti, the beast.

Her story is enough to have you locked up for life,

but don't worry about your daughters, while you're in jail...

Riccardino will look after them.

I like the youngest one.

How lovely winter is.

- Riccardino, shall we go ? - Okay, sir.

What language is that ?

Good morning.

Hello, Luciano, have a seat.

- What is it ? - I have to report something.

- Lost your wallet again ? - No, much worse.

Here in town ? Who was it ?

The Pre...

- The pre... - The priest ? Father Mario ?

- No, worse. - The preschool teacher ?

No !

76% in favour, but it's just luck.

Nonsense, I told you, what goes around comes around.

I have to object because in this case...

Please, will you be quiet for a while ?

At last the first time I enter the library.

Can you smell that ?

There should be a copy of the Constitution with Einaudi's notes.

I wonder where...

Sector J, row 1 1 , 97.

Miss Janis, there !

- No, Mr President ! - What is it ?

- You can't climb up there. - Why ?

If the President is at risk of danger,

the secretary, or person acting on his behalf, must prevent it.

Article 1 54, Health and Safety law.

I'll go.

Miss Janis, you can't go up there either.

- Why ? - If a woman in a skirt,

climbs above a man with eyes, he or whoever acts on his behalf,

will look. Locker room law.

I'll go.

- Row 1 1 , 97. - 1 1 ... couldn't it be higher up ?

- Here it is ! - Wait, I'll move the ladder !

No, I can reach.

Miss Janis, grab the ladder, hurry !

- What are you doing ? - I'll cushion your fall !

You're nuts, I'll kill you ! Grab the ladder !

I can't, article 87/C, prevent all injuries !

Forget about the articles, use your head !

Grab the ladder !

Thinking anarchically goes against my nature !

Mr President...

are you all right ?

Did I cushion your fall ?

Miss Janis...

you're a great cushion.

Are you okay ?

I think my spinal cord is injured.

I can't move.

You are moving, Mr President.

That's not me, it's an involuntary muscle movement.

It's not my fault, it's my thing and your thing...

Call me by my first name, at least when we talk about sex.

No !

Janis !

You're always in the middle...

I didn't do it on purpose !

It was just a small erection...

It happens to fish too, it's natural.

What are you doing ?

- I've resigned for personal reasons. - Why this sudden coldness?

- Shall we turn the heating up ? - Or the fire perhaps ?

- I admit, I'm attracted to you. - To who ?

- To you, Janis. - It's Miss Janis.

You can't leave because of a little erection !

Yes, I can !

I grew up respecting the State and protocol,

I cannot arouse the highest institution of the State.

- It was involuntary, why go ? - Because I was born a hippie !

My parents were hippies.

I was conceived during a Janis Joplin concert,

I lived in a Sai Baba commune, I sang Joan Baez at age 4,

I swam naked with Inti Illimani at age 6,

at 7, after having three dads, I wrote my first song:

"I want a life full of rules, if not here, then elsewhere."

- Goodbye. - Let's talk, over a drink.

Champagne, Coke ?

Leave me alone, get out of here !

Not you... darling !

- What do you want ? - My name's Darling.

Antonio Darling.

I don't think you meant me, but just checking...

Hello ?

When did it happen ?

A stress induced stroke.

Sorry, doctor ? Luciano isn't stressed.

He's healthy, he's at peace with the world, always outdoors.

Will he be okay ?

I don't know, we're waiting for him to come round.

- Goodbye, Mr President. - Thank you.

I'll take him to Rome, to the best hospital with the best doctors.

- I resigned. - Our President has disappeared.

- When ? - Two days ago.

He went to visit his friend in hospital, he went to the toilet...

and disappeared.

Four soldiers were at the door, four.

Help us, do it for Mr Ranieri, look at his state...

It's embarrassing,

the President of Brazil is due, it'll be a diplomatic disaster.

Where were you when he disappeared at the hospital ?

Don't get angry. I'll pay you back, I'll slap myself.

I'll punch myself in the stomach !

A kick in the butt !

Mr President, I presume.

Jafar is 9.

His mother was deported,

he has no one here.

I asked for assistance but there's no more staff.

So I said...

I refuse to be the President of...

- Uncle Peppino... - Jafar !

How are you ?

My head hurts.

Know the story about the king who lost his headache ?

There was a king who always had a headache

and after many years he made friends with his headache.

- He called it Gigi. - Mr President...

This is all great but the President of Brazil is waiting for you.

- Bring him here then. - After many years...

Here to the hospital ?

We just need a photo of us shaking hands, we'll do it here.

Jafar, do you want to meet the president of Brazil ?

Is it carnival time ?

This is an insult, I'll break our economic agreement with Italy !

I'll report this to the UN too !

- Right ! - I'm the director of protocol !

And I'm the General Secretary, dammit !

Where's the President ?

That joker is the President of...

The President of the Republic of Italy.

Mr President !

What are they doing ? It's been two hours !

They're discussing overseas trade.

I urgently want to discuss protocol !

Enough of this protocol, there are more important things in life.

"Tu quoque"... Miss Janis.

Thank you, Mr President.

You've made me discover a new way of looking at life.

Call me by my first name, Joao.

Same goes for you, Peppino.

Peppino...

Joao.

Brazil has made a sensational decision to buy

200 billion euros of Italian debt at an interest rate of 2%.

Obviously many analysts are wondering why

so let's speak to our envoy, Roberto Tallei.

Yes, even the experts here at Parliament

don't really understand what's going on.

Do you have any idea ?

Could you give us your theory about what you think happened ?

- No, I can't. - All right...

Maybe it's a miracle...

What miracle ? You don't know because you've always been clueless.

See you, Luciano.

Mr President, you have interview requests

from the BBC, CNN, Al Jazeera, Fox TV...

What do you want to do ?

Go to bed.

Mr President ?

I've taken back my resignation.

Thanks to you I've realized both my souls can coexist.

Creativity and rigour,

formality and kindness,

protocol "on the road"...

I want to be alongside you.

That's not possible,

I like sleeping in the middle, not on the side.

No, I meant...

alongside you, politically speaking.

Are you sure, Miss Janis ?

No, Mr President.

Now I'll say something

that no President has ever said to his General Secretary.

I love you.

I love you too, I think.

- But let's not rush things. - No.

- Baby steps. - Yes.

But I was thinking...

we know that we love each other,

we have to live together for seven years...

so Janis...

will you marry me ?

Yes.

When is this crook arriving ?

Firstly,

you're the crook.

Secondly,

where were you on Wednesday night at 00:47 and 32 seconds ?

I was with Natasha.

Thirdly,

I put a skeleton in the President's closet.

You can fight against institutions all your life

but if you have the President of the Republic coming to dinner

you're bound to be nervous.

Try smoking less weed.

And smarten up, you look like a senile Joan Baez.

Get rid of that A for anarchy !

Allen Ginsberg gave it to me.

Shit !

It was hot...

I knew I shouldn't have invited him !

Mom, we'll give him the roast, look how good it is.

No, the roast !

- What's this smell ? - Incense.

Come in.

My brother, my sister-in-law

and my mom.

Mom, this is Peppino.

- Nice to meet you, mom. - Mr President.

No, watch out !

I'm fine.

Something cushioned my fall.

- Here. - Is the roast...

I'll put it here, we'll eat it. I don't want to make a mess.

These are for you.

Thanks, Mr President.

What a marvellous day.

- Shall we eat ? - Yes dear

How great, anarchy in power !

The problem with Italy is that you're all sailors.

You go where the wind takes you.

My husband, the Pole, the concert one, he was a hippie,

chief of seven communes...

From a hippie, he became a yuppie, a liberal, a stock gambler.

I ended up in bed with capitalism... no !

I made love to capitalism... No !

- I reached orgasm with capitalism. - Mom !

And when he swapped Che Guevara for Reagan ?

That wasn't all ! He even duped me and my son.

He made us set up a company, as a formality, he said.

- And then he cleaned us out. - Greed !

I've got a son who...

Forget it. Shall we make a toast ?

To this evening which is so...

cracking.

Wait !

What is it ?

- What is it ? - It stinks !

- Oregano ? - This is against protocol !

- Who gives a damn ! - I'll take it to the kitchen.

Bomb alert ! We have to inspect everything !

Everything ?

I swear I planted half a kilo of marijuana but they didn't find it.

I wonder where it's gone...

Tri-colour pizza: Sorrento tomatoes,

mozzarella and Sicilian oregano.

Pizza.

What's your name ? Ping Pong ?

My friends...

this is the best bilateral meeting of my life.

I don't know why this reminds me of my childhood,

my bedtime lullaby.

Who are you ? I don't know you.

Antonio Darling, via Como 1 3.

Tax-dodging father, transsexual-loving brother.

Keep schtum.

What is this racket ?

We'll do what Brazil did,

we'll buy 200 billion euros of Italian debt !

Let's cut the cuts !

So they're scrapping the new taxes ?

My treasure, come here !

So I'm no longer redundant !

- I'm no longer in job limbo ! - You've lost me.

The President is now as popular as the national football team,

so we can say that today, Italy has won...

As you see, the enthusiasm here is uncontainable.

A scene like this has never been seen...

Don't stay cooped up in here, thoughts of mine

Write what you know is true

What's the matter ?

The matter is...

I'm feeling really nostalgic for the 70s.

If someone made a mistake,

they were shot,

a pill was slipped into their coffee, or they were hanged...

It was all more subtle.

It was all much simpler.

Darling, we all grow old,

but you should be proud,

no one ruined this country as much as you did.

Come on, let's sleep.

Yes, Riccardino ? What ?

Okay, good.

- Marijuana in the pizza ? - The tests leave no doubt.

I thought it reminded me of mummy's smell.

Janis, how did this happened ?

The oregano, they've infiltrated your underpants.

Damn rotten apples !

Rotten apples in my underpants ?

I heard voices...

Old rotten apples from the Secret Service are back in action.

They've been sent from Parliament.

They're still trying to send me packing.

This time I'll send them packing, I'm going to dissolve Parliament.

Flavia, remember her ? 9.5 kilos.

I can't stand seeing you like this.

- Maybe you'd be better off dead. - Up yours !

Luciano !

You haven't been here for 1 0 days !

You can talk !

Of course, but don't tell anyone.

- I'm scared that guy'll come back. - Who ?

With the glass eye,

in his 70s, with a slight limp...

- Mr Fausto. - Who's he ?

Someone I hoped I'd never see again.

We must retrieve Luciano's file, or he'll spend his life in a coma.

- He cheated on the old bag. - The old bag ?

Sorry, I meant his wife.

In the photos the action is unequivocal...

I hope it's the baker's wife and not his boy...

It's freezing !

I'd like to slaughter 33 lambs, 66 calves and 99 pigs.

- What does that mean ? - "Let's go".

You can't expect everyone to know that.

Come in.

Put these on.

What a pleasure.

I haven't seen a president in ages.

Secretary, how are you ?

- What can I do for you ? - Tell me who wants me gone.

- No. - It's too much for a pensioner.

Never mind. Call me if you want to play boules.

- Not during working hours. - Of course.

I know who's blackmailing your friend,

but I can't tell you.

We could talk about it.

Important openings are coming up in the Secret Services.

I could exert some... moral suasion.

This is my study.

Come in.

Here,

Luciano Cassetti.

Follow me.

All of Italy is in here.

I know everything about everyone.

Here we are,

Luciano Cassetti's file.

I think we could...

Vanity is everyone's downfall,

my dear Fausto.

You're an old man, you're stuck in the 70s.

Let's go, fisherman.

Let's go, come on.

Good work.

Don't stay cooped up in here

Thoughts of mine

Soak up the sun and go

Up into the sky

Find its home and then

On the wall

Write what you know

What you know is true

Peppino !

It's brilliant !

No need to dissolve parliament, the crooks will leave by themselves.

I know, we've got all the proof, politics, finance, the great powers...

This time we'll do a real clean sweep.

What's this ?

He wanted to blackmail you too.

He could've sent your father to jail with this stuff.

He would've been right,

but my mother and brother would've gone too for signing the papers.

Thank goodness you saved me.

What is it ?

Janis...

this file...

has to be handed to the judges, like the others.

I can't become like them.

You can't do this, it's my family.

Piero is my family too,

but I showed him no favouritism.

We're talking jail here !

My mother and brother are innocent, they just signed the papers.

But they shouldn't have.

I didn't sign the laws I didn't understand.

Are you for real ?

All you say is "I, I, I..."

Behaving too much like a saint can make you a devil.

Mr President.

So, Mr President...

- At 1 1 you go to Parliament. - Okay.

At the same time 300 boxes of documents will leave here.

- And go to the police ? - And to the press.

Thank you, Morelli.

I'm going to rest now, I'm tired.

All right, Mr President.

I had no choice.

Of course,

but I was wondering, if you hand over Janis' file,

you have to hand mine over too, right ?

Yes...

you have to save this country.

What were you thinking...

Cash in hand sales, fake EU refund requests...

What the hell are you saying ? You mucked out stables for me too.

You preferred cash in hand too, did I exploit you ?

The EU refund requests ? Your wife showed me how to do them.

You didn't say a word then,

now you're treating me like a crook.

Peppino, we've been friends for 40 years,

I can accept that you'll report me but I won't be lectured from above.

You're just a fisherman, a mediocre one at best.

Page !

Goodbye, idiot !

I'm making this speech to joint chambers

to announce a resignation.

Mr President !

Yours.

Your resignations.

I've got proof, names, the figures of all your illicit gains.

I'll hand them to the incorruptible.

Here's a taster ! Come on in, pages.

What is this farce ?

Not just corrupt parliamentarians, but all sorts,

bankers, industrialists...

I've got all the proof.

And there's more,

there are also files involving my loved ones.

At that point, I had to choose between my affections...

love, friendship and honesty.

A difficult choice.

I made a decision.

I burnt the files.

Now I'm like them,

so I'm announcing another resignation now,

mine.

After all, it's only fair.

I'm just a fisherman, albeit an excellent one.

Someone like me can only pave the way,

experts are needed to change Italy,

people who know the laws and protocol.

I have learnt something about protocol though,

look how well I sign my resignation.

LONG LIVE PARLIAMENT AND THE REPUBLIC !

I was starting to like him,

this asshole fisherman.

Here, Mr President.

Is no one else going to resign ?

You perhaps ?

You who point your finger and say: "Politicians are thieves !"

But then you don't pay taxes, you double park,

and pay workers under the table...

You who aren't a politician, but would like to be one,

to help your relatives, to profit from it...

You who get a CAT scan in 2 days thanks to connections,

you who skive off at work,

you who are honest as well,

but turn a blind eye when a friend abuses the system.

You can't resign because you don't represent anything

but you should resign your sneaky ways

or the next ones will be worse.

These are children of a country that no longer respects rules.

But of course, the crooks are always others.

But which others ?

There.

This is the President's story. Do you get it, children ?

Go to hell, Peppino !

You talk bullshit like all fishermen !

Your story is more fake than the tobacconist's boobs !

Firstly, leave Rosa's boobs out of it.

Secondly it doesn't matter if a story is true or false

what counts is that is a good story.

- Thirdly... - You'll tell us next time.

We're getting married in half an hour.

I'm getting married !

Congratulations, Peppino !

When it bites, reel it in.

I caught it !

Hooray for the bride !

Excuse me.

Monsignor, what is it ?

You've elected a new Pope, great !

Why are you telling me ?

Pardon ?

Peppino...

What is it ?

What ?

When's my daughter getting married ?