Original subtitles

I'm too old for this.

Damn desert.

- Code name? - Anacleto.

You can't smoke here.

Goddamn anti-smoking law.

No one's been here in a while.

Sometimes you have to come to the asshole of the world

to clean up the shit.

Anacleto, I've been in here for 10 years because of you!

I'm gonna... I'm gonna...! Shit, I can't think of anything!

- Me neither! - My mind's gone blank.

I had a great one.

You're a popular guy round here.

My fan club. I'll miss them when I retire.

I've got one, I wrote it down.

But reading it out ruins it.

Anacleto.

Vázquez.

What's it been, 30 years? You can tell.

You look better with long hair.

I see you thought about me a lot.

When you have one aim in life,

- you devote time to it. - Don't worry,

I'm here to take you to a smaller, dirtier prison.

You'll have the next 20 years to plaster your cell with sketches.

You know what's a shame? They're closing the GP.

It seems you're no longer necessary.

So many years fighting criminals like me...

- and budget cuts get you. - You seem annoyed at me.

I've been in prison for 30 years because of you.

Believe me, "annoyed" isn't the word.

Now you can spend more time with your son.

You do have a son, right?

It's amazing what you find out in solitary confinement.

Don't mention my son again!

The saw, quick!

- I forgot it. - What?! Get these cuffs off!

Goddamn mask!

What with the bazooka, it slipped our minds.

The Butcher and the Molecule.

I see you still get the top men.

What was your catchphrase?

"Anacleto never fails"?

It doesn't seem very accurate now, does it?

It doesn't look like your plan worked out either.

You don't know my plan yet.

- It's to kill you and your son! - No!

This has only just begun.

Watch it with the weed, eh?

- No one can see us. - A little respect, I'm your boss

and you're hoggin' the joint.

Here, boss.

Some boss...

- Another tough night at work. - You got it.

If I'd listened to my dad, I'd be shoveling shit right now.

Change the channel.

Here goes.

- What do we do? - I don't know, you're the boss.

But I'm no dictator, I want your opinion.

I don't fancy going down and tangling with those creeps.

Do we call the cops?

By the time they arrive, those TVs will be in the Ukraine.

There'd be a report, paperwork, a mess.

Besides, the company allows for robberies in the price.

We're watchdogs, right? We watch, we don't fight.

So, we're watching.

Shall we put on a movie?

Katia, can you turn down the music, please?

Sure, go ahead, sleep.

We had a tough night. We kind of got robbed...

In the hospital we had it easy.

Twiddling our thumbs the whole time.

Being Friday, people didn't go nuts,

no alcoholic comas or accidents...

And I could've spent another hour in bed, but no,

I'd rather pick you up in the asshole of the world.

- Okay. - I've got an idea:

You could get your driver's license.

I know, I just don't have time.

Working at night...

Why did you stop the car? We're not there.

We have to talk.

Adolfo, I'm tired of arguing about the same thing.

Then we can keep quiet. Like this...

That's the problem, you never say or do anything.

You spend all day on the couch.

Couch-movie-blanket, that's all you want from life.

You like it too.

And when we watch TV series? We get under the blankets,

with some pizzas... it's great.

But I don't want to live on a couch.

- No. - And you know it.

Yes.

I got myself a ticket to India.

Jesus!

I got into World Doctors again, and this time I'm sorry, but...

- I'm no waiting for you to decide. - I was coming with you.

- Really? - The time wasn't right.

- No? - No.

In six years?

- It slipped by. - You don't even have a passport.

I'm really sorry, I am.

- I love you. - Me too!

Wait, wait.

I know you'll never budge from here.

And I need... other things.

I need adventure and excitement.

And I know I'll never have that with you.

What is all this?

Are you leaving me?

It's all set.

I'm going in a week. I'll stay at my mom's until then.

What about me? Are you leaving me in the boonies.

Sorry, I'll take you where you want,

but we're finished.

Dad, are you ever going to answer?

What was in the van? Where's the merchandise?

I don't want any rugs, thanks.

- The waiter thinks he's funny. - Looks stupid.

I'm gonna kill him.

- We can get a ransom from Spain. - You speak Spanish.

- I'll make you a deal. - Go on.

You give me your Jeep, your guns and all your cash,

you stay in this damn desert without water or provisions.

Now comes the good part:

I promise, before I leave the country, I'll visit your wives.

Don't get me wrong, I'll be gentle:

dinner, champagne, candles, all that stuff.

They'll love it and thank me by naming your future kids after me.

Anacleto. How do you like the deal?

Anacleto! What is this crap?

Anacleto never fails.

- Code name? - Anacleto.

Boss, it's Anacleto.

About time! What took you so long to get in touch?

You know the game's sacred.

I had to pair up with Rentero, who can't back me

when I bluff big. I can't believe he's a spy!

Boss, they knew the route, they were expecting us.

Unbelievable! And Vázquez?

He blew up the van and got away.

He knows I have a son. Adolfo must be protected.

Let's go! I want a special unit! Close the borders!

Polita, I want a passenger list for all departing flights!

We haven't had the budget for border agents for years,

you should know that.

Send me a helicopter!

Sure, with jacuzzi included!

We don't have the budget for a helicopter, you should know that!

You'll have to get out alone, you know the score.

At least send someone to watch Adolfo.

I'll send two agents, but their overtime

comes out of your severance pay.

I'm too old for this.

Listen to me, she's a bitch, you don't need her.

We're fine right here with our booze, our buddies,

sexually available women, free peanuts...

I'm allergic. One peanut and my heart stops, I die.

- But I don't care. - I do!

They're out of peanuts. Look at the babes here.

- Are you allergic to them too? - I don't like any of them,

none of them are like Katia.

Get over it, man.

Katia just walked by.

Let's go.

- I'll tell that bitch! - Martin, no! Come here!

Martin!

You're going to India to save the world, like Ghandi?

And Adolfo? Would Ghandi have left his boyfriend on the roadside?

Why do you care if we break up?

I care.

He's my friend and my subordinate.

If he's afraid to tell you, I will.

I think he's a big boy

who doesn't need anyone to defend him, much less you.

She's right. Shall we go, Martin?

You're safe because your girl friends are here, otherwise...

- Otherwise you'd hit me? - Maybe, yeah.

What happens when you get hurt?

Will you run to Mom, like you always do?

You've never won a fight with me your whole life!

Idiot!

Not the hair!

Not the hair!

What the hell's going on?

Relax, it's a brother-sister fight.

- You know what it's like. - No, I don't.

Balls, eh? She always goes for your hair or your balls.

You're crazy! He could've killed us!

I needed that!

He took the kick meant for me.

Either you or my brother.

With all we've done, now we're babysitters.

You bet. Remember that mission in Antarctica?

When they shot at us with nuclear missiles?

And that mess with the King's double mess in Bulgaria?

- And the Pakonia mummy? - And Operation Heliotrope?

And the Moon Storm mission?

- We were big dogs. - Yeah.

But we don't have a photo.

True, but it's all up here.

Adolfo, what are you doing?

I don't know. Hugging you?

I know what happened, you had second thoughts.

This is classic making up sex.

No, Adolfo. It's...

classic goodbye sex.

I'm leaving in a week.

- What? - Sorry if I confused you.

The goodbye in the car was so dull, I thought this was better.

- I'm going. - Where? This is your place too.

You want to rob me? Take the big TV, it's all yours.

You want my card? The PIN's easy: 1234.

Here, the ATM on the corner doesn't charge commission.

Damn!

Damn!

Hey, are you okay?

Rob me, but don't hit me.

Damn, look at that!

Hold on, let's talk.

No.

Let's leave it at that, eh?

Katia...

Katia.

Katia, I think I just killed a Chinaman.

Maybe I should call the cops.

It was an accident, but...

Adolfo.

What did you do to your face?

Where?

The Chinaman!

Wait here.

He's not here now, but there was a Chinaman.

He came in and started hitting me.

He tossed me over there.

Suddenly, I started fighting back.

I threw him down here, hard.

It must be the videogames, I've never hit anyone.

Why did you do that to your face?

- Is this self harm so I'd pity you? - I swear, it wasn't me.

There was a dead Chinaman here.

There was blood everywhere, he grabbed me...

I stuck your vibrator in his mouth...

- How long have you had this? - Don't change the subject.

- Okay. - What did you do to your face?

I swear... How could I do this?

When I said "adventure and excitement" you though I meant this?

- It's true! - Don't make this weirder

- or harder than it already is. - But...

Adolfo,

we're not getting back together.

Adolfo.

Dad, what are you doing here?

It's been ages since we spent the day together.

I decided to take you home, make your favorite food

and have a chat.

- Seriously? - What do you think?

I'm on a deli delivery, but now I'm here...

- What's with the bags? - Nothing,

I'm moving out temporarily. Katia and I thought it was for the best.

She kicked you out?

- We've split up. - And she beat you up.

- I don't know why I tell you. - Hold on!

- I'll give you a lift. - Okay.

But I'm not talking, because I don't feel like it

- and you make fun of me. - Fine.

Give me your bags, the back's full of sausage

- and you'll squash it. - Fine.

To India, no less.

She can't be a doctor here, it has to be halfway round the world.

She complains that I have no driver's license, I'm dull

and she wants adventure.

She's no party either. When I want to play videogames

she says "I'm tired from the hospital". Who's the boring one?

Why didn't you get your license?

You promised to teach me!

When you were 18, you've had time since then.

Why do you never tell me positive stuff when I'm down?

Say: "She's a bitch, she doesn't deserve you,

she'll be all alone her whole life..." Say that.

I could, but I don't like lying.

Were you nicer to Mom?

Your mother? You were too young to remember,

but she had a natural talent for twisting the knife.

A moving family moment. I'm taking a nap.

Sapristi! What's up, Sapristi?

Come here.

My dog Sapristi.

Adolfo.

Adolfo.

You must be starving.

I can make us something to eat.

Don't worry son, I'll take care of everything.

CALL

MY DIARY

The other day it snowed and it was fun

because I made a snowman in the garden.

Dad said it was crap with a mouth and nose.

So I told him his sausages were crap

and the son of a bitch could shove them us his ass.

He didn't like me saying "son of a bitch",

but I kept yelling "son of a bitch, son of a bitch..."

until the creep locked me in my room.

I'll never make a snowman again!

- Yes? - Everything okay?

All clean. Do we know Vázquez's whereabouts?

Leave it to me. You two sit tight there

- until things calm down. - Alright.

What's that sound? What are you doing?

Nothing, son, I just dropped a pot.

- You're weird. - No, don't worry.

I'll tidy it up.

I wasn't going to. I wanted some cookies.

Damn it! You bought walnut cookies again!

I almost had an allergic attack!

I don't have much time to explain.

Why are you doing that?

I wasn't going to tell you, but it doesn't matter now.

I'm a secret agent.

A secret agent?

What are you talking about?

It's the truth.

The farm's a front, I've worked for the GP for years.

The GP? What does that mean?

It's the agency's name. Who cares? The Boss made it up.

- Who's "the Boss"? - It's a code name.

Oh, a code name. And what's yours?

Anacleto.

"Anacleto, Secret Agent". You just made that up!

No, don't come any closer.

Look, we don't have much time.

Tell me, who are you?

You're a psychopath, right?

I knew it was weird: you're alone all day,

shut up here with that shitty dog.

You've developed a rational hatred for society.

You're into shredding people.

- What? - You fit the profile.

What profile? Don't talk rubbish!

The profile. A man alone, distant, unaffectionate, talks weird.

Who's talking rubbish now?

You're way off track, son.

Tell me that the sausage you've crammed into me all my life

didn't have human flesh, they were just nice and homemade.

It was the meat.

Is that really more credible than me being a secret agent?

Get down!

The table!

- They're here! - What the hell's going on?

So, a cannibal or a secret agent? Have you got it now?

I don't know! Who are they? Why are they attacking us?

The goons of Vázquez, my arch-enemy.

Your what?

Your arch-enemy?

What are you saying?

Where are you going now?

You keep chewing gum in there?

Here. They're coming in. Shoot to kill.

Are you nuts? I can't do that.

Yes, you can. Look at me.

You're confused, but you're ready.

I'm a guard at Electro Market. I don't even have a club.

Trust me, I trained you.

You trained me? When?

All your life. Don't you remember?

Let's fly, Adolfo, you'll see, it'll be fun.

It's been over for a long time,

but some things

you never forget,

however much time passes.

You're a psycho.

I knew it'd come in handy.

- You had no right. - It was handy with the Chinaman.

The Chinaman? I knew it!

I knew I didn't dream it, and Katia didn't believe me!

One down.

You're chewing gum now?

It's a bomb. Take cover!

Look out! Shoot!

Beginner's luck.

- What have you turned me into? - We have to go.

They're all dead, I killed them.

These people had family, friends...

If they had kids, how much misery is that?

- You didn't feel anything? - Yes, the recoil.

- So you're made of ice. - If it makes you feel better,

it was them or us.

But I haven't done anything, people like me.

They don't want to be BFFs, but they don't want to kill me.

It's my fault. They're after you in order to hurt me.

You barely notice me, they should've gone for the dog.

- Where is he? - I don't know, he's yours.

Sapristi!

Sapristi!

- No, no, no! - Stop! Stop!

Get down!

Sapristi...

We have to go now and forget the farm forever.

I will forget it, but I'm not going with you,

I'm going to the police.

- I don't have time to argue. - Neither do I!

Admit it, you were a bit stubborn.

Unbelievable.

And you smoke too.

What?

And you smoke too, you've smoked all your life.

Okay. What was Mom, a ninja?

A spy. The best, until she died.

We wanted to keep you out of it, so we kept it a secret.

This is routine for you.

- How many have you killed? - What does it matter?

No, now we're on the subject, I'd rather you told me.

More than 10?

Yes, more than 10, but they all deserved it.

More than 50?

Yes, more than 50.

- More than 100? - I guess, yes, hundreds.

Hundreds?! 400? 500?

Under a thousand. Happy now?

What? That's a genocidal number!

It's no big deal.

Spread over 30 years on the job, it's two or three a month.

Sure, if you spread it out, I'm fine with that.

What about you? Four in two days.

75.

9.

22, two little ducks...

The money's still not in my account.

I need you to do one last thing.

What more do you want? I told you where the farm was.

I betrayed one of my top agents, my friend, my partner at cards.

I know and I appreciate it, but it's complicated now.

What letter's this?

Gum-Two-Echo. It's a "G", obviously.

Can you be quiet, please?

Those explosives can't leave the GP.

I fulfilled my part of the plan. C'mon, the briefcase.

Jeez, what a pain!

From now on, you're on your own.

What is this crap?

When I was in prison

my henchmen invested all the money in that stamp scam, Forum.

But they'll go up in value. In a few years you'll be

a millionaire... almost for sure. Or in a few months.

No excuses. You have 24 hours to get the money,

or I'll use all my resources to put an end to you.

Cut it out! You can't smoke here, it's a bingo hall.

I'm leaving, lady.

And none too soon.

- Bingo! - Oh, damn it!

The GP.

Just like the Pentagon.

This building isn't in the architecture books

or tourist magazines,

but it's the pillar that holds this country up.

But this is the post office.

You share offices with them?

Cutbacks... Not even national security is a priority.

Dad, how much do you make?

There's a basic salary, then a variable percentage.

Yes, but at the end of the month, after extras, how much?

Really? Before tax?

- Then there's the six-yearly bonus. - You make less than I do.

"Spanish omelet is always round".

Seriously? That's your password?

What's wrong with it?

Nice place, Dad, very modern. Where are the people?

- It's coffee break. - Right, they're civil servants.

Someone's blocking the door. This is fishy.

Fishy...

Damn!

Poison.

Gee, lucky we came here.

I feel super safe. Now what's the plan?

There's a meeting place, in case of emergency.

If there's an agent alive, he'll go there.

Damn it!

What are you doing?

Sending Katia a WhatsApp

with a photo of the dead agents

to prove that the Chinaman was true.

They were my friends, you could at least pretend to care.

I could, yes, but I don't like lying.

Push 'up'!

They're not from the GP.

Dad, you're hit, right there.

- Vázquez. - Hey!

Anacleto, there you are. How was your stroll in the desert?

You killed all my friends.

I won't stop until I finish you all off.

I want them alive!

The stairs!

Hold it!

This way.

Block the door!

What?

- This way! - I'm not getting up there.

- We have no choice. C'mon! - I'm not getting up there!

Open the door!

- No way I'm jumping! - What do you weigh?

80 kilos.

- The truck's canvas can take it. - I'm 85 kilos, it won't.

Trust me, son. Anacleto never fails.

No! No, no...!

Jeez, Dad!

Come on, it's no big deal!

I'm 90 kilos. I've always had heavy bones!

Don't get cocky, at your age I jumped from much higher.

Sure, sure...

Run!

- We need a hospital. - No, it's too dangerous.

No! Dad!

Oooh, it's scrummy! Finger licking good!

- I want a drumstick. - So do I!

- Smart ass! - I want a drumstick too!

- It's my farewell. - Then say goodbye to the drumstick.

Say goodbye to your teeth.

Cut it out! There's chicken for everyone!

Let's see if we can eat like a normal family for once!

Who the hell is that?

Want some? For your farewell.

I'll get it. You idiot!

You two are the limit!

- Adolfo... - Hi.

It's not my blood, it's my dad's.

He got shot, he's dying. You have to help us.

Not this crap to get attention again?

No, look at him.

My God! We have to get him to hospital!

Keep your voice down! We can't!

We can't? I'm calling an ambulance!

Shut up and listen!

They tried to kill us, they're after us.

Katia, whatcha doin'?!

Nothing, Mom, it's Adolfo.

Tell him to come in, we got loads of chicken!

But he gets the breast!

This is going to be hard to believe, but my father...

is a secret agent.

Please.

Whatcha doin'?! You comin' in or not?!

No, Mom, we're going to my room...

- ...to talk! - "Talk", she says.

They're gonna have sex.

Here, in your house, the day of her farewell.

And before dessert.

You're jealous because he's not here to see you.

Get over this complex about your sister.

You're 33 years old.

Maybe because you dressed me in her clothes until I was 11.

You gotta use that 2-for-1 discount. Now eat up!

This is crazy. He needs anesthetics and surgery.

Take it easy. Apply pressure.

Adolfo!

Don't relapse. Naturally you're all gooey 'cause she's leaving,

but be strong.

She gives great blowjobs and does that finger thing, but hold out.

You told my brother what we do in bed?

We're shut in for hours, things come up.

- But I make you sound amazing. - Really?

That's it, you're doing it. You had a relapse!

Martin, get in here, we need you!

Hey, I don't know, we're brother and sister.

I've fantasized about it,

- but this is heavy stuff. - Get in here!

Jesus! What have you done?

Grab his legs!

Don't say a word!

I never say anything.

Who insisted on a liberal education,

talking about sex at home and the liberal media? Who?

A good thrashing is what they needed!

So the farm, the sausage, and that hick look

was all a front?

- So it seems. - So your whole life

was a lie?

- Basically, yes. - You're dad's awesome!

What are you doing?

They could be tracing it.

What if an agent wants to help us?

Exactly. Who went after Jason Bourne?

- Agents. - And in "Mission Impossible"?

- I haven't seen it. - She's got no clue.

This always happens:

they brand you a traitor and set a trap.

We have to prove your dad's innocence.

We can't prove anything. They're all dead.

Everyone except your dad. They'll think he's the killer.

This is textbook stuff.

- Dad. - Where are we?

If it gets infected you're going to a hospital.

I know, it's not the first time.

- Can I have a puff? - I didn't know you smoked.

Because we don't know each other very well, do we?

No.

How could you deceive him like that?

What else could I do? I just wanted to protect him.

I don't know how to be a father,

hugs and all that. Being a secret agent is my game.

If you hadn't been so secret, Adolfo might not be so boring.

And you wouldn't have had to dump him.

It's a shame.

You're obviously a family of whiners.

I'm surrounded by incompetents!

I ask you for one thing, and you fail!

If you want something done, you have to do it yourself.

The Allen key. Alright then...

Why didn't you buy it prefabricated?

Really? With what money?

Where's my loot?

Who'd have thought that one goddamn stamp

would cost 1000 euros?!

Besides, it's not that complicated.

Just follow the simple instructions.

Simple, yeah right!

If only this had been around 30 years ago,

I would've save a fortune on decorating evil lairs.

Yes?

Good.

They're at his girlfriend's place. Quick, go get them!

Do we finish, then go get them

or go get them, then finish the cabinet?

This has a way to go...

Where's my father?

I don't know, when I fell asleep he was over there, smoking.

Dad!

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Dad, how are you? - Much better.

I got up early this morning

and made breakfast to make up for the bother.

- It's delicious. - Have some juice.

Martin, bottoms up.

Did you tell them what happened?

Yes, how awful! Before, they just mugged you,

now they use razors, and on an old man...

The world's become a very dangerous place.

- Good, that's it. - That's what?

The sodium pentothal I put in your drinks must be working.

- You poisoned us? - No, just drugged.

You gave us truth serum.

What about our talk last night?

Very nice, Katia,

but not enough to trust you. Now I can.

Dad, they're friends. You're out of control.

Well, well...

What? I don't get it.

Stop drinking it! It's got truth serum in it!

Do you or have you belonged to any association?

I joined the Readers Club,

but only because the girl who came to sell it

was a looker.

Oh, very nice!

Katia, when you started going out with my son, did you really like him

or was there an ulterior motive?

That's personal! Don't tell him.

At first it was to stick it to my brother.

I knew it, she's the jealous one!

- See, Mom? - I do.

- Then I began to really like him. - It's no time for couple therapy.

I've got some questions. Do you still love me?

Of course I love you, but...

I want to be your girl, not your mother.

I'd have loved you to come with me, to travel together,

- do tons of things... - Sure, sure.

...for you to be a man, like your dad.

Whoah!

Whoah, nothing. I'll change, I promise.

- There you go again. - It's true, I took the serum.

- I can't lie. See? - Your juice has no serum.

You're always a big help. Thanks.

I wasn't going to drug my son, and it's no time for couple therapy,

we're kind of busy here. Martin...

Anything to hide?

Well... there is one thing.

Two years ago I ran over an old lady with my Vespa

and rode off.

It was no big deal because she was old and...

didn't have long to live,

but not a day goes by that I don't think she died 'cause of me.

My son...

Don't worry, son. That lady didn't die then.

- How do you know? - Because I killed her.

She wanted to report you.

She was going to destroy our family and I couldn't allow it.

So I went to her house

to talk her out of it.

We argued, one thing led to another, and...

...she fell out of the window.

- How awful! - Since then...

I haven't been the same.

Yes, drink up.

Actually, she arrived at the hospital alive.

When she described her assailant,

I knew it was you and...

I knew what I had to do.

A slightly higher dose of morphine and...

The male nurse was accused of negligence,

but I did it for our family.

- Dad. - My girl.

- Dad. - And you complain about my secrets.

- I see what you mean. - And you, Mom?

For two years I've been passing information to Vázquez.

- What? - He said if I saw Anacleto,

to tell him.

So I did. They're coming here, probably about now.

But Mom...

He contacted me from prison and the pay's great.

Really? How is that possible?

It's better than being second-rate murderers.

It took you three times to kill the old lady.

- They're here. - What do we do?

Kick it higher, man! You're such a klutz!

Just as well!

- Where are they? - They took the window.

They said to stall you and say they called the cops

and the building's surrounded, but it's not true.

They're desperate and almost out of bullets.

You took so long! Pour me a little, honey.

Hurry up!

I'll deal with these bums! Get to the rendezvous!

- Where is it? - North Station, 2 pm.

You didn't tell me that. Dad, you're hit!

- And kind of old. - Go!

Okay, okay!

Damn!

- Damn it! - Sorry.

Come here.

There!

- Go, Katia. - What are you going to do?

Finish these guys off... and get driving lessons.

- Move it. - Yes.

I'm ready.

Excuse me, those are mine.

- I'll take them all. - Thanks a lot.

- Everyone at the same time? - Yeah.

At the same time then.

All this karate bullshit...

Loser!

Martin!

- Where's Adolfo? - I don't know.

I lost them, they're really fast.

I never win with my sister, she always beats me!

I hope they've gone to the station.

Oh yeah, the rendezvous.

Well, well, well...

It was rough, but you got it in the end.

I'm very proud of you, boys.

And now, at last,

the revenge I've planned for 30 years.

- Who the hell are these people? - I'm the evil Vázquez,

and these are my two henchmen.

I'm hurt that you don't know me.

I know who you are, Vázquez, and what you've done.

You want to hurt me, then kill me

to get at my dad, your arch-enemy, but he won't care

because we've had a cold and distant relationship.

When he wasn't secret-agenting, he was devoted to sausages.

He ignored me, but he loved Sapristi,

that stupid dog, but now you've killed it,

your revenge is complete.

If you want to go home and take it easy, we'll cope with it.

And you're Anacleto's son. I expected, I don't know,

more grit, more courage...

That was so pathetic, Adolfo.

I'm almost angry that I planned all this for such a coward.

It's not cowardice, I'm just being helpful.

- Where's Anacleto? - I don't know.

Are you going to make me yank out your tongue with pliers

- when I'm dressed in white? - No, Adolfo, don't tell him.

That's easy for you to say, they're not going to torture you.

You'd sell out your dad the first chance you get?

No, but let's be frank, I'll probably crack under torture.

I'm thinking about avoiding excruciating pain.

- It saves us work. - Unbelievable!

Anything that's a bit hard, you don't do it,

anything that means facing up...

We're getting off track here.

One thing is leaving me because of a driver's license,

- but enduring torture... - It's not the license,

it's everything!

- Where's your boyfriend's dad? - "Ex", she left me yesterday.

- Don't play the victim now. - He's going to torture me.

You're using torture to wriggle out of this.

- I'm not wriggling, I'm tied up! - Lucky you, eh?

Enough!

- My eye! - What did you do?!

What's in my eye? Adolfo, get it out!

- Christ! - Get it out!

Jeez, what a drama queen.

- You blinded her in one eye! - Blind?

Oh, my God!

Now I have your attention, two things:

One, I don't go around hugging people in the street.

That's why they don't call me the Charming Vázquez,

they call me the Evil Vázquez,

because I'm a real son of a bitch.

- Sure, that makes sense. - And two:

I obviously want to know where your father is.

Tell me or I'll pull out her other eye.

Yes, he's at the rendezvous. North Station, 2 pm.

Good, because I have a surprise for all of you.

Of course, the rendezvous is the station.

We keep a low profile, mingle,

security controls aren't as strict,

and we access the whole European rail network. Brilliant.

Yeah, sure. This way.

The legendary locker with guns, passports

and currency from every country.

Actually, it's a change of clothes.

A change of clothes?

We're here so that you can get changed?

We're here because of emergency protocol,

but I'm just getting changed on the way.

Really? Is there one for me?

It's been ages since I wore anything so soft.

The more you stretch, the less you iron.

A euro. One euro, please. Just one euro.

Gimeno, relax. He's with us.

Anacleto!

I haven't seen you since the Cairo mission.

- How are you? - Fine.

Great characterization, I'd never guess you were an agent.

I've spent years perfecting the character.

I actually earn more today than I did at the GP.

Boss! I gave you up for dead.

- It was a close shave. - It was a massacre.

- Who's he? - A friend of my son.

We were meant to meet here, but he hasn't showed up.

Relax, your son's fine, I have him in a safe place.

Gimeno, we have to make enquiries.

- It's not possible that... - Hold it!

- Nobody move. - Anacleto, drop the gun.

He's been in cahoots with Vázquez from the start.

That's how they knew the route of the convoy

and located the farm, Katia's place and my son's work.

Sure, he's the typical traitor, I said it all along.

Gimeno, it was Anacleto, he set Vázquez free.

How else did he escape from the desert?

We've been cards partners all our lives.

He puts on the same face when he's bluffing big.

- He's lying. - Why would I do that?

You saw what happened, he wiped out the GP.

- Vázquez is unpredictable. - I've lost all my agents!

You've lost control, Boss.

Don't be stupid, it's two against one.

- You haven't got a chance. - How about a deal?

Tell me all you know about Vázquez and I'll kill him.

What kind of a deal is that?

A fair one.

Shit!

How did you know I wouldn't...?

I didn't know if you'd pull the trigger, but I knew it wouldn't fire.

How? Oh, the hug!

- Son of a... - Why, Boss?

- After all these years... - I just wanted to save the GP.

They wanted to retire us. The world's overtaken us,

we're obsolete.

We needed a threat that only we could solve.

With Vázquez on the street, the GP would be indispensable again.

And you trusted the bad guy. As a plan it's kind of shit.

- Shit on you! - Hey, I came to help.

Where's Vázquez?

- Where has he got my son? - I don't know.

I don't know. I'd tell you if I knew.

He's telling the truth.

Gimeno, take him away.

Relax, I'll take care of him.

I screwed up, Anacleto.

That's Vázquez's doing? Get him, like the old days!

Nothing's like the old days now.

Wow!

A Beretta! Like Bruce Willis in "Die Hard".

Yipee ky yay, motherfucker!

- Get back! - Adolfo!

- Go away! I'll explode! - Adolfo!

Dad, they put a bomb on me!

- Hold it, hold it. - Okay.

- Hold it! - Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, are you Anacleto, Secret Agent?

Yes.

This is for you.

- Vázquez. - Bingo!

- What have you done to my son? - Me? Nothing.

You're going to do it. Yes, that's a bomb.

Liquid plutonium and Goma-2.

Goddamn son of a bitch!

If you try to separate them or deactivate it, it explodes.

If you try to undo the vest, it explodes.

And after one hour, it explodes.

There's only one way to stop it from wiping out a 500 meter radius.

- By killing Adolfo. - Exactly.

The device is synchronized with his heart.

If it stops, the bomb deactivates.

A souvenir from my last visit to the GP.

Relax, it'll all be fine.

I'd love to stay to see you pull the trigger.

Unfortunately, I'm almost at the airport. You decide:

come for me or spend your last moments with your son.

In any case, always remember me.

Vázquez...

Vázquez!

I'm sorry, this was beyond me.

It's my fault your one-eyed. They'll put a patch on you,

kids will call you "pirate", they'll cancel your driver's license.

Adolfo, shut up. Never mind all that now.

We're going to explode.

I'm sorry, it's impossible. I've never seen anything like it.

- The only way it won't explode... - I know.

- Will these walls contain an explosion? - We've evacuated the area.

Everybody out.

- Where are you going? - She's my sister!

He's my best friend! I should be there!

You can't give up.

Don't take it out, save it for later.

You're going to shoot me, huh?

Maybe it's better, at least it'll save Katia.

You can get your flight to India. Damn it!

I'm 30, I haven't had time to do anything.

All day on the sofa, no trips, no wild stuff...

- Now you think of that? - Travel is overrated.

Well, you were never home.

All your life out saving the world, you forgot about me.

Since I'm going to die, I'll get it off my chest:

Secret agents don't have kids. James Bond didn't,

or Jason Bourne. There must be a reason, didn't you think of that?

- Actually, no. - You should've.

It just happened, we didn't plan anything.

Then, suddenly, there you were, fiddling with my bow tie.

Very touching, Dad. But in the last two days

I've been beaten, shot,

my girl had an eye plucked out and she'll lose her license.

Now I have a bomb on my heart.

Bloody great! Forgive me if I'm not moved.

Maybe you secret agents are super-brave

and don't fear anything.

Right now I'm crapping myself.

I know what fear is, only too well.

As an agent I've done things that would scare anyone.

- And you know what? - What?

Do you know the day I was most afraid?

Go on...

Not when I was shot in the gut or when your mother died.

It was when you ate those peanuts.

I remember it as if it were yesterday.

You'd turned four and your teeth were separated,

You blew up like a balloon, you couldn't breathe.

I didn't know you were allergic.

That fear...

...that you wouldn't make it to the hospital alive was the worst,

until today.

Damn, that was beautiful.

- What's wrong? - You're leaving already?

I don't want you to blow up, but stay a bit longer, eh?

I'll be right back. Relax.

- Where's he going? - Help!

I need help!

Where were you? There are 4 minutes left!

We give you a cardiac arrest so the bomb deactivates.

Eat the peanuts, the allergy will do the rest.

When they take off the bomb, I'll inject the antihistamine.

- It makes sense, right, Katia? - Yes.

I don't know, it's not my speciality.

You forgot the part where my heart stops and I die.

I'll give you a heart massage.

Katia, you're a doctor! Don't I need a defibrillator?

Yes... I don't know... Do we have another option?

You'll have to trust me.

What the hell!

Dad, if I die... If I die...

Relax.

- What? - Christ!

What's wrong?

Maybe you shouldn't have eaten the whole bag.

It's too late.

Don't piss me about now!

- Sorry. - Damn it.

Christ, don't let them bury me with this ugly mug!

- You won't die. - I don't care.

Cremate me, that's my last wish.

Adolfo.

That's it, it's stopped.

Katia, go!

I'm not going. I'm staying to help.

Now comes the hard part.

Mouth.

Come on, son. Don't do this to me.

Mouth!

Breathe, damn it!

C'mon, c'mon!

Breathe!

- Adolfo! - Come on!

Dad, that's it!

Adolfo, my son...

I think you broke a rib.

You're not getting out of driving school.

Putting him down again? He was about to die.

What kind of insensitive bitch acts like that?

This isn't over. Vázquez is still on the loose.

He may be evil, but I don't get it.

He sets all this up and doesn't watch the end?

Did you want him to stick around and watch it with us?

He's still in the building. I'll get him.

Wait. Where are you going?

I can't let him go alone.

He's hurt, and old.

He's my dad, he needs me.

Be very careful. Please.

What, no hug for me?

- Dad, it's me! - What are you doing here?

I thought I'd come down and steal a car.

What else? You're hurt, I came to help.

Damn!

I'm ready.

Then let's go.

I'm ready.

Don't dwell on it.

The little guy was a son of a bitch.

Look out.

The Butcher is back.

- Okay, now what? - I don't know.

Unless we get away, the Butcher will gun us down.

We need a getaway car.

The keys are over there.

No.

Got a better idea?

No, I'll go.

I won't let anything else happen to you. Cover me.

This one?

- Get in. - You can't drive like that.

You can't drive.

- Let me. - No. No.

No!

Now show me.

Step on the left pedal, put it in first and lift it slowly.

- I'm suddenly not so sure. - You've done amazing things.

You've fought men, shot guns, jumped off a building,

survived a bomb, put up with me all your life...

You're ready for this. Hit the clutch and put it in first.

Where are you going? The other way!

What do I do?

Reverse! Punch it! Go straight at him!

Not bad for a first lesson.

Next time we'll do angled parking.

Shit.

It's Vázquez! Get out!

Looks bad, doesn't it?

Well... But don't worry, you'll make it, okay?

I want to tell everyone my dad's a secret agent.

I wouldn't be secret then.

Okay, I won't say anything.

I'm sorry...

for all the lies.

- It doesn't matter. - Yes, it does.

I just wanted to protect you from all this.

That's why I pretended to be a sausage maker.

Well, I always liked the sausages.

Especially the cured pork.

Your mother's were better.

I would've liked to know about Mom before too.

When she died, I couldn't handle it.

That's why I was hard on you,

insulting you, laughing at you...

...to make you stronger.

I didn't pick up on that.

And look at you now.

I don't want to die now.

Gee, Dad...

I'm so proud of you.

I'm sorry...

if I ever failed you.

Anacleto never fails.

Die, you son of a bitch.

The old trail of blood trick.

- Your dad would be ashamed. - Don't you talk about him.

Don't you dare talk about him!

He was a worthy opponent and you're a joke.

Children are a disappointment,

that's why I never had any.

Nor will you.

Son of a...!

Bye-bye, Vázquez.

"You're no longer with us, dear friend,

but we'll always remember those little things

you liked to do:

go to the train station, put on clean shirts,

cards, put drugs in our juice..."

Martin, you only knew him for one day.

Okay, but he never deceived me.

He was always straight up.

Dad, rest in peace here, at last.

In secret, just the way you lived.

Gee, what a guy!

Katia, we have to talk.

Whenever you want.

- Right now, in the car. - Sure.

Can you give me a lift?

All this has opened my eyes, I have to make the leap.

You know what I did today? You'll freak.

I signed up for driving lessons.

And I'm coming to India with you. Or wherever.

You want to travel? Let's travel.

Or do skydiving? We'll do it.

We'll have adventures! I'm a new man!

- I don't recognize myself. - Adolfo, sorry, but...

I realize I was totally wrong.

- About what? - Everything.

All this fighting...

I got kidnapped, tied to a bomb, my eye's screwed...

And I'm still...

getting my head around my mother being a snitch.

I've realized that I'm not happy here.

What I need is

peace and quiet and rest.

Okay. So we're not going to India? You were looking forward to it.

Not now, and I feel terrible.

I postponed it, I need some time at home.

Okay. What about us?

There is no "us", Adolfo.

Now I need a normal boyfriend, no nasty surprises.

Just quiet dinners on Saturday on the sofa,

a blanket, a DVD and...

I see that now it's impossible with you.

I'm sorry.

I hope you're finally convinced that she's a bitch.

Right, now what do we do?

The objective is 100 yards away.

15 armed men protecting the Emir.

Hold your position, helicopter in 20 minutes.

Start the party.

I repeat, hold your position. Back-up arrives in 20 minutes.

Confirm message received.

Confirm, please. Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

I'm not receiving confirmation.

- Code name? - Anacleto.

Anacleto?

I've got a deal for you.

ANACLETO, SECRET AGENT

Guys, I don't think he can hear me.

He's not receiving my indications.

Please, stop what you're doing and come fix this.

There's no Net, no signal. It's saturated.

Can you stop downloading all that crap, please?

Do it at home! Don't you have Wifi?

The life of a hero is at stake!

He's in the goddamn Middle East! He could die!

There are jackals there!

Hey, buddy, buddy...