Original subtitles

- [Video Game Noises] - Hah! Kick him in the stomach.

Boy, it trip me out how their bodies just fall apart like that.

Boy, these video games... I love 'em.

It's a great way to work off your aggression...

and Bernie Mac got a lot of aggression.

You know Bernie Mac's situation. My sister.

She's taking a state-sponsored vacation.

She got a little problem with drugs.

Now my wife Wanda and I, we're taking care of her kids.

Don't remind me. Them doggone kids.

I'd like to tear their doggone heads off.

Blast them to a million pieces! Shut 'em up for good!

Hyah! Hah!

[Grunting]

[Chuckles] Now, hold on, America.

I know what you're thinkin', and you're wrong.

Bernie Mac is not a violent man.

This is what Bernie Mac does to relax.

Because in real life...

we don't settle our differences this way.

That would be wrong. We're not animals.

[Woman Narrating] Despite a reputation for being solitary...

wolves are seldom without company...

and when they hunt, they hunt in packs.

Jordan.

What you doin' in the house watching TV?

It's beautiful outside. You think we live in Los Angeles for the culture?

- I'm watching the Discovery Channel. - You can watch this crap anytime.

- Now go outside and meet some of the boys. - No. I wanna see what happens.

The lion eats the hyena. Now, give me this glass and go outside. Enjoy yourself.

Awww.

Man, these young kids. Man, you couldn't get us to stay in no doggone house.

- [Exotic Birds Squawking] - [Elephant Trumpets]

[Monkeys Chittering]

[Jungle Animal Noises Continue]

[Woman Narrating] When the wolf pack spies a prospective prey...

it moves in unison, cautiously surrounding it, searching for signs of weakness.

- [Inhales Deeply] - Sensing an opening...

the pack works as a unit to keep the prey confused and off-balance.

When ready to move in for the kill...

the first attack is made by the strongest member of the pack.

This is the alpha wolf!

Okay. Hold it right there.

- [Sobs] - Man, those kids gonna wind up being your best friends.

- You watch and see. You watch. - [Crying]

A fight?

Damn.

Man, was he hurt? No, no. Just tell him I'm on my way.

[Bell Rings]

[Sniffling]

See, the problem is Jordan, my nephew...

he's small for his age.

And like most small kids where I come from, they constantly get picked on.

But I'm gonna tell you something. You ain't got to be big to be tough.

You look at one of the all-time boxing greats: Sugar Ray Leonard.

Over here!

[Clears Throat] What's up, Ray, baby?

How ya doin'? Now, my man, Ray...

he was small, but he was wiry.

He was like those littleJapanese cars...

compact, agile, built for speed, and had endurance.

And I can bet you if someone called him a sissy...

- I'd hand him a dollar and make change out of his ass. - Attaboy.

[Laughing]

Let me. [Clears Throat] I'm excited. Move...

Let's move on. Let's move on. [Clears Throat]

Now, Ray, seriously speaking, from a champion perspective...

how would you assess my nephew's skills?

- Bernie, it seems to me thatJordan lacks speed. - Uh-huh.

- This man has zero self-confidence... - Mm.

And is totally lacking in the fundamentals that make a great fighter.

I mean, he's... he... he's the loser.

So he's definitely gonna get his ass whupped, huh?

Oh, I would seriously consider homeschooling.

Jordan says that he's sick and doesn't wanna go to school tomorrow.

Is something going on with him?

Mm. Baby, don't worry about it. I'll take care of it, okay?

- I don't wanna learn how to fight. - You gonna learn how to fight.

Get up. Quit being so difficult.

But I'm working on my magic trick.

Gimme that doggone magic trick.

What you gonna do if somebody start picking on you? You gonna disappear?

- But I don't want to. - Well, you have to!

Now, listen. The first thing you need to know about defending yourself...

is to avoid a fight in the first place.

And what I mean by that, if somebody start picking on you, you got to show you can take it.

You gotta come right back and start picking on them.

- How do I do that? - Well, um...

you can start by insulting their mama.

What I if don't know his mama?

We're talking about universal mamas here, Jordan.

It applies to all mamas. You gotta be inventive.

Doggone now, Jordan. If you start hitting on somebody's mama...

you gotta hit 'em where it hurt, go for the jugular.

If their mama's fat, you gotta say something like...

"Your mama's so fat, I poured a half a cup of water in the bathtub...

and when she sat down, it overflowed."

- [Chuckles] - Uncle Bernie, that's mean. What if I like his mama?

You don't know his mama, Jordan. How you gonna like somebody you don't know?

What if his mama's dead?

His mama being dead ain't got nothin' to do with it.

What you talking about his mama's dead for?

Look here. [Sighs]

Forget about it, okay? Forget about it.

We're gonna move on. We'll go to plan "B":

Acting crazy.

- [Screaming] - [Growling]

- [Coughing] No! - [Growling]

- [Wheezing] - No, no. Relax. Relax. Jordan, it's just whipped cream.

I'm trying to make a point. See, you gotta make people think you're crazy.

- Don't nobody mess with you when you foaming. - [Coughs, Inhales Deeply]

[Breathing Heavily]

Jordan, listen. You gotta get loud, man. You gotta act weird.

Somebody get in your face, you gotta make 'em think like you crazy.

- How? - By your body language, your voice, man.

Man, you gotta... When people step to you, man, tell them, "You better back off."

- [Softly] You better back off. - No, no. Listen to my voice, man.

- Don't mess with me, man! - Don't mess with me, man.

- I don't play! - I don't play.

- You better back off! - You better back off!

- Don't mess with me, man! - Don't mess with me, man!

I don't play! Don't mess with me, man!

- Best back off! - You best back off!

- I don't play! Back off. - I don't play! Don't mess with me!

- Get back! [Growling] - [Growling]

Hey! Don't mess with me, man! I don't play!

You best back off! I don't play!

- Don't mess with me, man! - That's a dead boy walkin' right there.

Bernie, teaching that boy that violence is the answer is just wrong.

Sweetheart, I'm not teaching that boy no violence.

I'm trying to give him some, uh, school yard diplomacy...

give him some tactics, man, to keep him from fighting.

Baby, I know you.

What you mean by that? You...

You know that boy needs something, Wanda. He's soft.

- He is not soft. - He is.

Jordan is a gentle soul. He doesn't like fighting. He likes magic tricks.

What is it with these dumb ol' magic tricks?

That's what happened to Houdini. That's how he died.

He got his ass kicked over there at the magic shop. The man hit him in the doggone stomach.

If he knew some "Your Mama" jokes, he might still be alive today.

[Jordan Sobbing]

- [Clears Throat] - [Sobbing Continues]

Wish I knew some magic. Poof!

[Sobbing Continues]

What? What? Jordan!

- [Sobbing] She took it! - It's your car! Take it back!

[Sobbing] She took it! She took it!

Jordan. Jordan. Jordan, listen to me. Come on now. Come on.

You mean after everything I showed you...

you can't take a toy car from a four-year-old girl?

- [Sobbing] - She's four years old!

Now, relax. Do what I showed you.

Don't mess with me! I don't play!

Hey! Give it back!

- [Sobbing] - Punk.

[Sobbing Continues]

Oh, Lord.

Ray, the boy's real soft. I mean soft. He's like liquid, you know.

He needs more than fundamentals.

He needs something like divine intervention, and that's why I come here.

I was teaching my nephew a few playground moves, man, in case he get in trouble.

First thing I taught him is if somebody is messing with you, pick up some sand.

Then you throw it in their face and you take off running!

That always worked for me when I was little, you know? Or you can improvise...

especially if you're around some objects.

- Let me see that book. - This one here?

Like this book I was reading. See? I'm reading.

I'm reading, casually minding your business. ?? [Whistling]

Somebody come at you. Bam! Hit them right in the throat. [Coughs]

Drop the book, start running.

Oh, boy, I was dangerous when I was growing up, Ray. I'm telling you.

Now, now, Ray, be honest.

The few techniques that I just showed you and the people...

what do you think my nephew's chances are right now?

Don't get too attached to the boy.

- He's still gonna have trouble. - Yes. Big trouble.

[Chattering]

- [Grunts] - Hey! Why'd you do that?

'Cause it's ugly, like you.

Stop!

"Stop!" What are you gonna do, cry, baby?

No. No, but... but your mama cried when you were born.

[Onlookers "Oohing"]

- [Derisive Laughter] - Look at that little sissy!

- Ow! My eye! - Sorry, Byron.

[Laughter Continues]

[Onlookers "Oohing"]

[Silence Ensues]

?? [Funk]

I don't play! I don't play!

?? [Continues]

?? [Ends]

Don't mess with me, man! I don't play!

- How'd it go today, son? - Okay.

- Anybody pick on you? - Nope. Nobody.

I just did what you told me and acted like you and now nobody bothers me.

That's my boy.

- [Snapping Fingers] - [Chuckles] Know what I'm saying?

Guess who had a good day in school today, baby?

Little Harry Potter himself and his magic tricks.

The boy managed to conjure up some self-confidence!

I told you, baby. All the boy had to do was go to school and act like Bernie Mac...

and I bet nobody would mess with him.

I told him that. He did it too. B...

What?

Hello? Who?

Uh, yeah, this is Bernie Mac.

Now, ho-ho-hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

How you know your son wasn't picking on him...

and he wasn't defending himself?

No, I ain't calling you no liar!

But I'm saying you do sound a little hot-tempered right now.

And if your son acts anything the way you acting right now, I can s... Hello?

[Dial Tone]

People trip. They be calling the wrong number and tripping.

- Come on. Raise up. - Hey. I was listening.

Jordan, I want you to listen and listen well...

because I'm only gonna ask you this one time.

- Did you pick a fight in school today? - No.

Because I've just got off the phone with the father of the boy who said you did.

I didn't start it. He was picking on me.

- So you were sticking up for yourself, right? - Mm-hmm.

- You're not lying, are you? - Uncle Bernie, I promise I'm not lying to you.

[Irish Accent] He's lying. He's lying through his flippin' teeth.

It's to be expected. The boy's a bad seed.

Hey, hey. Father Cronin, I don't believe that.

I mean, Jordan's just too soft to lie to my face.

People rarely want to believe their child is the problem.

Don't you think it was hard for the apostles to believe...

that one of their own would betray Christ?

And yet there he was... Judas...

sitting there eating his body and drinking his blood.

?? [Somber Organ]

Mr. Mac, come take a look-see at your own littleJudas.

[Shouting, Growling]

The nuns refer to him as the "Holy Terror."

[Growling]

Owww!

- What's gotten into you, Jordan? - Ow. Ow. Ow.

You don't go around picking fights like that! Who told you to act like that?

- You did! - Me? I didn't tell you to act like no doggone bully!

You told me to act like you!

You sayin' I'm a bully? I ain't no bully!

I'm gonna show you a doggone bully! You come here!

[Fight Bell Rings]

Welcome back. When you think of boxing's biggest bullies...

you think of men with menacing icy stares...

that could freeze their opponents cold.

Brutes who beat their foes into submission.

Men whose very names struck fear in the hearts of giants.

Men like Sonny Liston, Big George Foreman...

Mike Tyson, Bernie Mac.

- These bullies... - Hold on. Hey, hey. Hey, Ray. Hold on now.

- What? - I ain't no bully.

- What are you saying? - I'm saying I don't know where you think I'm a bully from.

Well, Bernie, if you check your record out, it's clear.

- You've always been a bully. - That's not true. That ain't true.

- Not true? - No.

Okay. Let's go to videotape.

- [Fight Bell Rings] - ?? [Children Singing In French]

Hey, baby girl. Can I watch the TVwith you?

- Okay. - Okay. Thank you.

- [Click] - [Sports Announcer, Indistinct]

- Hey! - Hey.

[Crying]

Oh, don't cry, Bryana.

Bears gonna win. Watch.

- [TV Volume Rises] - They gonna win.

[Crying Continues]

What a terrible mismatch.

A heavyweight versus a flyweight...

picking on a little girl.

I don't wanna do this no more, Ray.

And now the main event.

We'll be profiling a series of bouts between Bernie...

and his greatest rival, Little "Magic Man" Jordan.

Yeah. Fine.

- [Fight Bell Rings] - [Video Game Blows Landing]

I won! I got the high score!

I beat your record!

J-O-R-D...

Oh, man! Heh. Look what happened.

It just came out. It just came out.

It just came out.

- [Fight Bell Rings] - [Bernie] Get in there before I throw you in!

- [Jordan] I don't wanna take a bath! - Shut up!

- I don't wanna take a... - [Large Splash]

[Fight Bell Rings]

- Hey. That was my brownie. - No, it wasn't.

- Yes, it was. - No, it wasn't.

- Yes, it was. - Mm-mmm.

- Yes, it was. - Mm.

It was in a bag with my name on it.

Mm. Yeah.

We family.

Mm?

I want you to leave.

Okay.

Bully.

I ain't no bully.

I know you all don't think I'm no bully, do you?

Y'�ll can get out of my house too!

He lucky he left when he did.

Humph. Sugar. He retired. He ain't got it like that no more.

[Chuckles] He gone, ain't he?

[Screaming]

Jordan, I wanna talk to you for a minute.

Move, Uncle Bernie! I don't play!

That's exactly what I want to talk to you about.

Jordan, look. I apologize to you, okay?

Because, first of all, you're right.

I am a bully.

And worse than that, man, I've been teaching you to be a bully.

Oh, that's okay, Uncle Bernie. It works for me.

Now you can turn on the TV.

Mm.

Son, you're not listening to me.

I'm trying to teach you that being a bully is wrong.

But I was getting picked on before.

Now nobody picks on me.

I get what I want and I even get extra stuff.

Look. I took this pen off of Eugene.

- It has a naked lady on it. Look. - Give me this.

It's not funny.

And this is going back.

And I want you to promise me that you're gonna stop being a bully at school, Jordan.

- Okay. - Don't "okay" me.

Look at me and tell me that you will stop being a bully.

Okay, Uncle Bernie. I promise I won't be a bully at school.

Thank you.

Hey. That's mine.

- So? Get another one. - That's the last one.

What is wrong with you?

Ugh!

Aunt Wanda, I wanna go to the mall!

- Aunt Wanda! - Jordan, honey, I'm on the phone.

- Talk later. I wanna go to the mall! - What did I just say?

- No. I'm listening. - I said I want to go to the mall.

- That would be okay. - Now, come on!

- I don't play! - "I don't play"? Ooh.

Boy must be out of his mind to talk to me like that.

- Now, I'm sorry. I'm listening. What... - Today!

Ooh. Oh, my God.

Give it back! Give me back my crazy string!

[Yelling] You want your crazy string back? You want your crazy string back?

- Yeah! - Here's your crazy string.

Jordan, no! Aaaah!

Jordan, no!

[Bryana Screaming]

- Oh. What? - Maybe we can kinda burn it out.

- What's going on in there? - It's Jordan. He's terrorizing the whole house.

Uh... Look what he did to Bryana.

It won't come out.

You've got to do something. You made this mess. You fix it.

- You know what to do. - Vanessa.

We don't really need a brother.

Go ahead. Do your thing.

Uh, wait.

- You can't. - Humph.

Now that's the problem, America.

You can beat some of the people some of the time...

but you can't beat your kids.

But, see, this is my fault. I led by a bad example...

and I created a monster.

Now I have to destroy the monster.

Now, see, with Dracula, you use a wooden stake.

Wolf Man... a silver bullet.

And with little boys...

you use the belt.

But I've been stripped of my weapons...

so how am I gonna protect the villagers?

Bernie Mac doesn't need a belt.

- Bernie. - Jordan!

- Jordan! - You can't hurt him.

- What kind of message would that send? - I'm gonna show you...

I can't find him anywhere. I don't think he's in the house.

There he is!

- Get him, Uncle Bernie! - I'm gonna get him too, baby.

Bernie, it looks like he's gonna pick a fight with the kids.

- I see it, baby. I see. - We should stop him.

No, no, no, no, no, no! This just might be the lesson he deserves. Come on back.

[Jungle Animal Noises]

[Inhales Deeply]

[Woman Narrating] Sometimes when an animal is wounded...

it is at its most dangerous.

- [Animal Snarling] - [Dog Whimper]

Upper cut, Jordan! Jor! That's it!

Bernie Mac! I don't know who's worse, you or...

Jordan, look out! There's one behind you!

[Dog Whimper]

Yeah!

[Animal Snarling]

[Dog Whimper]

[Woman Narrating] Tasting blood...

an animal's natural instinct is to finish off its prey...

except the human animal, which has a conscience.

[Animal Snarling]

Son, I am really proud of you.

Why? I got beat up by a girl.

You had her down on the ground. You did the right thing. You stopped yourself.

She looked really afraid. I mean, it made me feel bad.

That's good. You know what that tells you?

- You're not a bully. - Yeah. I guess.

- Uncle Bernie. - Mm-hmm?

I should give Eugene back his pen.

You think so?

No, son. I think Eugene need to learn a lesson too.

Uh, you ain't been looking at this, have you?

[Jungle Animal Noises]

It's disgusting.

[Lion Roars]

Hey. Wanna show me a magic trick?

Okay. Um, okay. I can make a dollar disappear.

I got a twenty. All right. Let me see it.

- One. - One.

Two. Three!

Why, you little... I'm sorry, America.

I did the best I could. A man gotta be who he is.

Jordan! Jordan!

- [Period Bell Rings] - Watch out, watch out.

Sister, look out. Excuse me!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Jordan!