All language subtitles for Rick.And.Morty.S01E01.720p.BluRay.x264

Morty, you got to come on.

You got to come with me.

What's going on?

I got a surprise
for you, Morty.

It's the middle
of the night.

I got a surprise for you.

Ow!

Ow! You're tugging
me too hard.

I got a surprise
for you, Morty.

What do you
what do you

think of this
flying vehicle, Morty?

I built it out of stuff
I found in the garage.

Yeah, Rick, it's...
it's great.

Is this the surprise?

Morty, I had to...
I had to do...

I had to...
I had to...

I had to make a bomb, Morty.

I had to create a bomb.

What?A bomb?!

We're gonna drop
it down there...

Just get a whole
fresh start, Morty.

Create a whole fresh start.

T-t-that's
absolutely crazy!

Come on, Morty.
Just take it easy, Morty.

It's gonna be good.

Right now, we're gonna go pick
up your little friend Jessica.

Jessica?

From my math class?

When I drop the bomb,
I don't...

You know, I want you to have
somebody,

you know...
I want you to have the thing...

I'm gonna make it like
a new Adam and Eve,

and you're gonna be Adam.

And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and
so that's the surprise, Morty.

No, you can't!

J-Jessica doesn't
even know I exist.

But... but... but
forget about that,

because you can't
blow up humanity.

I-I get what you're trying
to say, M-Morty.

Listen, I'm not...
you don't...

y-y-you don't got to worry about
me trying to fool around with...

with Jessica or mess around
with Jessica or anything.

I'm... I'm not that
kind of guy, Morty.

What are you talking
about, Rick?

You... you... you don't
have to worry about me getting

with Jessica or anything.

She... she... she... she...
she's all for you, Morty.

I don't care
about Jessica!

You know what, Morty?
You're right.

Let's forget the
girl all together.

She... she's probably nothing
but trouble, anyways.

Arming Neutrino bomb.

That's it...
That's it, Rick.

I'm taking the wheel.

Get off of me, Morty!

I'm taking charge of
this situation, buddy.

What's gotten into you?

I'm... I'm... I'm...

I'm not gonna stand around
like some sort of dumb...

What are you, crazy?

...person and just let
you blow up the whole world.

All right, all right.

I'll... I'll land.

I'll land. I'll land.

I'll land the thing.

Big tough guy all of a sudden.

We'll park it right here, Morty.

Right here on the s-side
of the r-road here.

Oh, thank God.

You know what?

That was all a test, Morty.

Just an elaborate test
to make you more assertive.

It was?

Sure. Why not?

I don't... I don't know.

You... you know what, Mo...

Neutrino bomb armed.

Um...

Advertise your product or brand here
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I see there's a new episode of
that singing show tonight.

Who do you guys think is
gonna be the best singer?

Oh, my God.
His head is in his food.

I'm going to puke.

Morty, are you getting sick?

I told you not to practice-kiss
the living-room pillow.

The dog sleeps on it.

I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom.

I just... I didn't get a
lot of sleep last night.

Maybe my dreams were just
too loud or something.

Or maybe you were out all night
again with grandpa Rick.

What?

Dad?

What, so everyone's supposed to
sleep every single night now?

You realize that nighttime
makes up half of all time?

Damn it!

- Jerry!
- Beth!

Oh, my God.
My parents are so loud.

I want to die.

Mm, there is
no God, Summer.

You got to rip that band-aid off
now. You'll thank me later.

Okay, with all due respect,
Rick...

What am I talking about?
What respect is due?

How is my son supposed to pass
his classes if you keep dragging

him off for high-concept
sci-fi rigamarole?

Listen, Jerry, I-I don't want to
overstep my bounds or anything.

It's your house.
It's your world.

You're a real Julius Caesar.

But I'll tell you some...
tell you how...

how I feel about
school, Jerry.

It's a waste of time...

A bunch of people
running around,

bumping into each other.

G-guy up front says,
"Two plus two."

The people in the
back say, "Four."

Then the bell rings, and they
give you a carton of milk

and a piece of paper that says you can
go take a dump or something.

I mean, it's... it's not a
place for smart people, Jerry.

And I know that's not
a popular opinion,

but it's my two cents
on the issue.

This was a good breakfast,
Beth.

You really made the
crap out of those eggs.

I wish your mother
was here to eat them.

Oh, Dad.

What?

For real?

All right, now, everybody get settled.

Get away from the windows!

Now, look, we're gonna be

dealing with some real
serious stuff today.

You might have heard of it.
It's called math.

And without it,
none of us would even exist,

so let's jump right in...
two plus two.

Jessica.

Five plus five.

Tenssica.

Okay, good.

It's time for the quiz.

Yeah, you know what?!
Aw, too bad!

Tough!

First row, take one.
Pass it back for me.

The stakes are high
in this room.

There's crucial things
happening here every day.

People getting smarter.

Some of y'all getting dumber.

Some of y'all ain't
gonna see 3:00.

Hi, Morty.

Whoa!

Hi, Jessica.

Can I show these to you?

Wow.

Th-they're both great.

Thank you.

You know what I named these?

My little Morties.

Uh, that's flattering...
and a little weird.

Do you know what I want
you to do with them?

Rename them?

Squeeze them.

Manhandle them.

Give them the business.

See if you can shuffle them.

I mean, really get in there
and knock them around.

No wrong answers.

Wow.

Well, okay, Jessica.

L-let's give this a shot.

Mm.

Oh, Morty.

What are you doing to me?

Uh, I-I'm just
doing my best.

Morty!

What are you doing to me?!

Jessica.

Morty!

Jessica.

Five more minutes of this,
and I'm gonna get mad.

Je-Jessica.

Jessica.

Not my fault
this is happening.

Well, well, well.

Uh, morning, Frank.

"Morning"?

What was... what is
that supposed to mean?

You making fun of me?

Are you trying to
say my family's poor?

Oh, geez, Frank.

I don't know if a
knife is necessary.

I mean, you know, y-you kind of
had things handled without it.

You telling me
how to bully now?

Big mistake, Morty.

And now I'm gonna cut you,
'cause my family's rich.

There you are, Morty.

Listen to me.

I got an errand to run in a
whole different dimension.

I need an extra pair of hands.

Oh, geez, Rick.

W-what'd you do to Frank?

It's pretty obvious, Morty.
I froze him.

Now listen...
I need your help, Morty.

I mean, we got...
we got to get...

get the hell out of here
and go take care of business.

It's important. Come on, Morty.

I don't know, Rick.

I-I can't leave school again.

Do you have any concept of how
much higher the stakes

get out there, Morty?

What do you think...
I can just do it all by myself?

Come on!

Aw, geez. Okay.

I guess I can skip History.

What about Frank?

I mean, shouldn't
you unfreeze him?

I'll do it later, Morty.

He'll be fine.

Let's go.

Oh, my God.

I'm about to walk
past Frank Palicky.

This is the story we'll
be telling our children.

Hi, Frank.

Aah!

Scalpel.

Knock, knock.

Jerry?

My manager gave me an hour
for lunch, and I thought,

"Hey, why not swing by
where your wife works? "

We're losing him.

Okay, he's back.

Jerry, please tell me you're
here for an incredibly urgent reason.

Well, it's lunch.

I mean, it's one of three meals
that have existed for millennia.

Losing him.

Stabilized.

Okay, I only ask, Jerry,
because, as you know,

my job involves
performing heart surgery.

Well, yeah, on horses.

Excuse me?

Okay. Let's not
rehash thatfight.

I sense that you're busy
and will now be on my way.

Whoa!

What is this on the floor?

Some kind of literature for
a really nice-looking nursing home.

Hey, honey, crazy idea...
bad pitch...

let's put your Dad here.

Let's put your Dad
in a nursing home.

We're losing him.

Hey, Tom.

We know when
we're losing him.

We can hear the beeps!

There she is. All right.

Come on, Morty.
Let's go.

Oh, geez.

Okay.

Oh, man, Rick.

What is this place?

It's dimension 35C,
and it's got the perfect

climate conditions for a
special type of tree, Morty,

called a Mega tree,

and there's fruit
in those trees,

and there's seeds
in those fruits.

I'm talking about
Mega seeds.

They're... they're
incredibly powerful,

and I need them to help me
with my research, Morty.

Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking
around this place,

and I'm starting to work up some
anxiety about this whole thing.

All right. All right.
Calm down.

Listen to me, Morty.

I know that new situations
can be intimidating.

You're looking around, and it's
all scary and different, but,

you know, m-meeting them head
on, charging right into them

like a bull...
that's how we grow as people.

I'm no stranger
to scary situations.

I deal with them
all the time.

Now, if you just stick with me,
Morty, we're gonna be...

Holy crap, Morty, run!

I never seen that thing
before in my life.

I don't even know
what the hell it is!

We got to get out
of here, Morty!

It's gonna kill us!

We're gonna die!

We're gonna die, Morty!

Oh, Morty,
take a deep breath.

Breathe that... breathe that
fresh air in, Morty.

Y-you smell that?

That's the smell
of adventure, Morty.

That's... that's the smell of...
of... of... of a whole different

evolutionary timeline.

All right, Rick, look...

how much longer
is this gonna be?

Shouldn't I be
back at school by now?

Are you joking me?

I mean, look at all the
crazy crap surrounding us.

Look at that thing right there.

W-what the hell is that thing?

You think you're gonna see
that kind of thing at school?

Look at it just
lumbering around.

It defies all logic...
that thing.

Yeah, Rick, I get it.

We're surrounded by monsters.

That's kind of the reason
why I want to leave.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Morty, you see this?

You see what we just
stumbled upon, Morty?

Any idea what that
is down there?

The Mega trees?

That's right, Morty...
the Mega trees

with the Mega fruit on them.

And that's what I'm
talking about, Morty.

That's where my seeds are.

If we would have done
what you wanted,

I would have never
have found them,

because y... because you're
so in love with school.

All right, all right.

So, what's so special about
these seeds, anyways?

You ask a lot of
questions, Morty.

Not very charismatic.

It makes you kind of
an under...

underfoot figure.

Just take these shoes, Morty.

They're sp...
special grappling shoes.

When you're wearing these
things... ba... these babies,

you can basically just walk on
any surface you want, Morty...

up, down, below,
turn around to the left.

These things really bring
it all together.

Aah!

You have to turn
them on, Morty!

The shoes have
to be turned on!

I am not putting my father in a home!

He just came back
into my life,

and you want to grab him and
stuff him under a mattress like

last month's Victoria's Secret?

I told you... I was ordering you
something for Valentine's Day.

More importantly, your father is
a horrible influence on our son.

Everything cool in here, Beth?

It's fine, Davin.

Okay, cool.

You know, we did
something great today.

There's nothing more noble and
free than the heart of a horse.

Since we're fighting,
if you ever have an affair

with that guy, I will
come to the hotel room

and blow my brains out
all over your naked bodies.

Look, I appreciate the
stress you're under, but

Morty was having trouble in
school way before my dad moved

in, and the only influence I
can see Rick having is that,

for the first time in his life,
Morty has a friend.

Well, maybe you're right.

Uh, yeah, maybe I am.

I'm my father's daughter.

I'm smart.

Why do you think
I'm a heart surgeon?

Horse heart surgeon.

- Hello?
- Mrs. Smith?

This is Principal Vagina...
no relation.

I wonder if you and Morty's
father might be able to have

a chat with me
this afternoon?

Morty, oh, you really d-did a
number on your legs right now.

You know, you got to
turn the shoes on, Morty,

for them to work.

Yeah, look...
I turned mine on.

I had no problem
getting down here.

It was a leisurely breeze.

I'm in a lot of pain, Rick.

Yeah, I can see that.

But do you think you'll still be
able to help me collect

my seeds, Morty?

Are you kidding me?!

That's it, Rick!

That's the last straw!

I can't believe this...
I'm sitting here with both

of my legs broken,
and you're still asking me

about getting those seeds?!

Ooh! Ow! Oh!

Y-y-you're a monster.

Y-you're like Hitler, but...

but even Hitler cared about
Germany or something.

Okay, hold on just a second,
Morty.

Ooh.

Ohh.

Ooh.

Wow, Rick.

That stuff just healed
my broken legs instantly.

I mean, I've never felt
so good in my life.

Thank you.

Don't worry about it, Morty.

Just come help me get these
seeds, all right, buddy?

Sure thing, Rick.

Not that you asked, Morty,
but what just happened

there is I went into a future
dimension with such advanced

medicine that they had
broken-leg serum at every

corner drugstore.

The stuff was all over
the place, Morty.

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.

There's just one problem,
Morty...

one little hang-up.

The dimension I visited was so
advanced,

they had also halted
the aging process,

and everyone there was young,
Morty,

and they
had been forever.

I was the only old
person there, Morty.

It was like I was some
sort of, you know, celebrity,

walking around.

I-I was fascinating to them.

There were a lot of attractive
women there, Morty, and they...

they... they...
they all wanted time with me.

I had a lot of fun with
a lot of young ladies,

but I spent so
much time there,

my interdimensional
portal device...

it's got no charge left, Morty.

It's got no charge left.

What?!

It's as good as
garbage, Morty.

It's not gonna
work anymore, Morty.

Oh, geez, Rick,
that's not good.

W-what are we gonna do?

I-I have to be back
at school right now.

How are we gonna
get back home?

There's ways to
get back home, Morty.

It's just... it's just gonna
be a little bit of a hassle.

We're gonna have to go through
Interdimensional Customs,

so you're gonna have
to do me a real solid.

Uh-oh.

When we get to Customs,

I'm gonna need you to take
these seeds into the bathroom,

and I'm gonna need you
to put them way up

inside your butthole, Morty.

In my butt?

Put them way up inside there,
as far as they can fit.

Oh, geez, Rick.

I really don't want
to have to do that.

Well, somebody's got
to do it, Morty.

Th-these seeds aren't gonna get
through Customs unless they're

in someone's rectum, Morty.

And they'll fall
right out of mine.

I've done this
too many times, Morty.

I mean, you're young.

You've got your whole
life ahead of you,

and your anal cavity is
still taut, yet malleable.

You got to do it
for Grandpa, Morty.

Y-you've got to put these
seeds inside your butt.

In my butt?

Come on, Morty.

Please, Morty.

You have to do it, Morty.

Oh, man.

The fact is, your son, Morty,
has attended this school for a

total of seven hours over
the last two months.

What? Why didn't
you notify us?

I done been notifying you.

Have you not been
getting the messages

I've been leaving with Morty's
grandfather?

Boom!

Told you! In your face!

He is ruining our child!

Wait, what am I celebrating?

Yeah, see, I thought
something was fishy there,

because it's usually Morty's
grandpa that's taking

him out of school.

Summer?

What kind of God lets this happen?

We had a little incident.

A student was
frozen to death.

And there's no evidence that
a Latino student did it!

Everyone wants to take
this to a racial place.

I won't let them.

The Glarp Zone is for flarping
and unglarping only.

So, I told him,
"Give me the Blimfarx," you know?

This... this guy...

he doesn't understand
interstellar currency.

It's, like, I'm trying
to eat a Flimflam...

like, that's what
we eat on Girvonesk.

The glarp zone is for
flarping and unglarping only.

I don't like it here, Morty.

I can't abide bureaucracy.

I don't like being told
where to go and what to do.

I consider it a violation.

Did you get those seeds
all the way up your butt?

Yeah, Rick.

Let's just get
this over with, okay?

I mean, these things are pointy.
They hurt.

That means they're
good ones.

You're a good kid, Morty.

Those Mega seeds are super
valuable to my work.

You've been a huge help to me.

I'm gonna be able to do
all kinds of things with them.

It's gonna be great, Morty.

All kinds of science.

Okay, next through.

Except you. You go over there.

Why does he have
to go over there?

Random check.

He's got to go through
the new machine.

What new...
what new machine?

It's a new machine.

It detects stuff all
the way up your butt.

Run, Morty! Run!

Aah!

Red alert!

Ohhhhh!

Hey! Ohhhhhh.

Aah!

Don't think about it!

Ooh!

Oh, nice, Morty!

The student becomes
the teacher.

Whoooooo!

Aah!

Aw, hell, no, dawg.

You know me...
I'm just trying to...

Aah!

I need to type in the coordinates
to our home world, Morty.

Cover me.
- Oh, man.

I mean, you know, I-I
don't want to shoot nobody.

They're just robots, Morty!

It's okay to shoot them!

They're robots!

Aah!

My leg is shot off!

Glenn's bleeding to death!

Someone call his wife
and children!

They're not robots, Rick!

It's a figure of
speech, Morty.

They're bureaucrats.

I don't respect them.

Just keep shooting, Morty.

You have no idea what
prison is like here!

Holy crap!
This is insane!

Come on, Morty!

We got to get the
hell out of here!

Wow.

Did you just come into the
cafeteria through a portal?

Uh, yeah.

Well, you know, my... my
Ferrari's in the shop.

Ju... just kidding.

You're Morty, right?
- Yeah.

You can get
his number later.

Come on, Morty. We got
to get out of here.

You got to get those
seeds out of your ass.

Oh, look, honey.

It's our son with
Albert Ein-douche.

What?

I'm an angry father,
not an improvisor.

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Oh, my goodness, Morty!

What are you
doing out of class?

We talked about this.

Your... your parents and
I are very disappointed in...

in this behavior.

No? No takers?

You guys should really not
be touching that stuff.

It's beyond your reasoning.

You're beyond our reasoning!

Takes one to know one.

Dad, how could you make my
son miss an entire semester of school?

I mean, it's not like
he's a hot girl.

He can't just bail on
his life and set up shop

in someone else's.

What... what are you
guys doing with my stuff?

We're moving you...
to a nursing home.

A nursing home?

What are...
what are you, nuts?

I'm a genius.

I build robots for fun.

Well, now you can build baskets
and watch Paul Newman movies

on VHS and mentally scar the
Boy Scouts every Christmas.

What does that mean?

It's personal.

Dad, mom, c-come on.

Rick just needed
my help is all.

Morty, stay out of this.

You are obviously not capable
of judging these situations on your own.

What are you trying
to say about Morty?

That he's stupid
or something?

Oh, don't high-road us, Dad.

You know fully well that Morty
is the last child that needs to

be missing classes.

I-I-I don't know what
you mean by that.

Can... can... can you be a
little bit more specific?

Oh, for crying out...

he's got some kind of
disability or something.

Is that what you
want us to say?

I do?

Well, duh doy, son.

Look, I love you, Morty, but we
both know you're not as fast as

the other kids, and if you
want to compete in this world,

you got to work
twice as hard.

Aw, geez, Dad.

Y-you know, that's a lot
to drop on a kid all at once.

Morty, t-tell your parents
the square root of Pi.

Oh, come on, Rick.

You know I can't.

The square root of Pi,
Morty... go.

1.77245385.

Whoa!

What the hell?

Holy crap. He's right.

Morty, tell your parents
the first Law of

Thermodynamics.

"The increment in the internal
energy of a system is equal to

the increment of heat
supplied to the system."

Wow! I'm so smart!

But...

I told the both of you...

school is stupid.

It's not how you learn things.

Morty's a gifted child.

He has a special mind.

That's why he's
my little helper.

He's like me.

He's gonna be doing great
science stuff later in his life.

He's too smart for school.

H-he needs to keep hanging out
and helping me.

Jerry, I don't want whatever's
happening here to stop.

No, I-I understand.

Uh, maybe we overreacted.

But he has to keep
going to school.

Okay, Jerry.

You drive a hard bargain,

but what am
I supposed to do?

Say... say no?

You... you really wear
the pants around here.

I just want you to know,
between us, from now on,

it's gonna be 100%
honesty and open,

clear communication.

Frank Palicky was
frozen to death today!

No idea what you're
talking about.

Okay.

Well, uh, Morty,
it's your bedtime in an hour.

Don't stay up
all night again.

This is good, though.

This can work.

I think we can be a family.

And now, Beth,
if you'll have me,

I would love to have you.

You know what?

Okay.

Holy cow, Rick.

I didn't know hanging out with
you was making me smarter.

Full disclosure, Morty...
it's not.

Temporary superintelligence is
just a side effect of the

Mega seeds dissolving in
your rectal cavity.

Aw, man.

Yeah, and once those
seeds wear off,

you're gonna lose most
of your motor skills,

and you're also gonna lose
a significant amount of

brain functionality
for 72 hours, Morty.

Starting
right about now.

Ohh, man.

Oh, geez! Ohh.

I'm sorry, Morty.
It's a bummer.

In reality, you're
as dumb as they come.

And I needed those
seeds real bad,

and I had to give them up just
to get your parents off my back,

so now we're gonna
have to go get more.

And then we're gonna go on even
more adventures after that,

Morty.

And you're gonna keep your mouth
shut about it, Morty,

because the world is full of
idiots that don't understand

what's important,

and they'll tear us apart,
Morty.

But if you stick with me, I'm
gonna accomplish great things,

Morty, and you're gonna be
part of them, and together,

we're gonna run around, Morty.

We're gonna do all kinds of
wonderful things, Morty.

Just you and me, Morty.

Oh, no, no.

The outside world
is our enemy, Morty.

We're the only
friends we've got, Morty.

It's just Rick and Morty...

Rick and Morty
and their adventures, Morty.

Rick and Morty forever
and forever.

100 years,
Rick and Morty's things.

Me and Rick and Morty running
around, and Rick and Morty time.

All day long, forever.

All... a hundred days.

Rick and Morty forever...
100 times.

Over and over,
rickandmortyadventures.com.

www.rickandmorty.com.

www.rickandmortyadventures.

All 100 years.

Every minute, rickandmorty.com.

www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

It's a good-a show!

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