Original subtitles

There she goes, Homer, the Super Chief!

Seems she goes much faster passing Desert Hole.

In exactly 28 seconds,

I'll be climbing aboard the Eastbound Skyrocket,

following her every inch of the way.

Gee, Mr Jackson, I sure wish I could go to New York with you.

Now, Homer, you're gonna be filling my shoes.

- Stationmaster of Desert Hole. - Yeah.

In exactly 52 years, you'll be getting your pension.

Then you'll be on your way to wine, women and song!

- In 52 years who'll be able to sing? - There comes the Skyrocket!

- Well, at last I'm on my way. - All aboard!

You'd better hurry, Mr Jackson, they hate to wait in this station long.

Broadway, Radio City, the Yankee Stadium!

Here, son. Sleep with this under your pillow.

- Thanks. Goodbye, Mr Jackson. - So long, Homer!

I'll mail you your card from the Copacabana.

See you in 52 years.

Bye!

That was a short trip.

Hey! Hey, come back, I'm here! Hey!

Hey! Hey, you!

Come back here!

What's your name?

Oh, please work. Please work.

Oh, boy, it works!

Reckless driver!

Radioactive car! Run for your lives!

Hi, mister. Could I get some water, please?

- Oh, you bet your life. Okay. - Hey, what's all the commotion

with everybody running away?

Well, I'll be diddly-dad-burnt if I know.

- Everyone rushing around. - Yeah.

- Say, what kind of a car is this here? - Oh, that's a...

- Excuse me. - Yeah, sure. Go right ahead.

- This is... Oh, Radioactive. Four door. - I never heard of it.

You never heard of a Radioactive?

Cars coming in and out of here all day long?

I'll never forget the first time I saw a Radioactive.

- Good morning, Mr Stone. - Good morning.

- Oliver! - I'm not interested.

- Oliver, you've got to hear me. - Get out. I fired you last week.

Do you want me to repeat those words with all their Anglo-Saxon charm?

Oh, but here's salvation, Oliver.

A shot in the arm for your dying scandal sheet.

Now, look! "Desert Hole, New Mexico"...

I don't want to listen to you, you female Svengali.

The Mother Goose stories that you talked me into printing.

"The Man from the Flying Saucer,"

a midget that you dressed up in a Buck Rogers outfit.

"The Man on the Ledge," your brother.

You're right, but this poor kid, Homer Flagg,

his country doctor only gives him three weeks to live,

radiation poisoning eating away his bones.

- Your phoney stories, eating away mine. - But this time I'm going straight.

- Now, look, Desert Hole, New Mexico. - We covered it.

Covered it! We ain't covered... Oliver!

You covered it!

Six lines on the back page next to the kidney remedies.

Did you read the last line?

"All I hope is that I can see New York City before I die."

"All I hope is that I can see New York City before I die."

That's not the end of the story, Oliver. That's just the beginning.

- I ought to be shot for what I'm thinking. - What are you thinking, Oliver?

I'm thinking that maybe that cynical mind of yours

has hit pay dirt at last. Maybe you've really learnt your lesson.

You'll never be sorry.

We'll bring that kid to New York for a last fling at life.

Pay all expenses as long as he lasts.

The New York Morning Chronicle pays its debt to humanity.

It won't hurt circulation, either.

I knew your better instincts would triumph.

Well, I'll go to the cashier and get my expense money.

Wait a minute!

What if this kid doesn't die in three weeks?

What if he just keeps on living?

Oh, I wouldn't let him do a thing like that to you, Oliver.

People worry about the pursuit of happiness

It's amazing the amount of time and energy they spend

When there's really only one approach

To the present psychological trend

Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, baby

That's what I like

Hold me, hug me, pet me, baby

That's what I like

You don't have to give me clever conversation

I just want affection

Not an education

Kiss me, hold me, hug me, pet me, baby

That's what I'd like you to do

And love me, love me, love me, baby, too

You don't have to give me classy conversation

I just want affection

Not an education

Kiss me, hold me, hug me, pet me, baby

That's what I'd like you to do

And love me, love me, love me, baby, too

Doc. Doc.

- Doc! - What is it?

Oh, well, I just came from making out my will.

It didn't take very long, and I...

Love me, love me

Well, this is a fine time to be singing. I have a good mind to disinherit you.

Stop looking so tragic, Homer.

You're not going to die, unless you get run over or something.

But you told me I had something terrible.

And my blood and my tests and my X-rays.

I know. I checked them over again. You don't have radiation poisoning.

Look, and your blood count, well, it got away from me.

I should've paid more attention in class.

What?

- Look, Doc. - Yeah?

I know you're the best pal I got here in town.

- That's right. - Well, I don't want you to spare me.

- I won't. - I mean, I can take it.

- I know it. - Let me know the worst.

Homer, don't you think I'd want you to have radiation poisoning,

just to break up the monotony?

Look, Doc, give it to me straight. When do I keel over?

Will you listen to me?

You know, you even threw me a curve on the fluoroscope.

I did?

I was so anxious to get a patient,

I didn't notice that your radiation had numbers on it.

- 10:27. Exactly. - Right.

- And you know that car you drove? - Yeah?

It was sitting in the desert for months.

And believe me, Homer, all you have is a very slight sinus condition,

which I'll do my best to prolong.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

- I'm not gonna die? - No, you're not gonna die.

I'm not gonna die. I'm gonna live.

I'm gonna live!

I'm gonna live? Oh, no, Doc, you can't do that.

- Easy, Homer. Come on. Here, Homer. - No, I can't, Doc. I made some plans.

- I can't live. - Sit down.

- No, I don't want to, Doc. - Homer.

- Oh, that's not fair, Doc. Gee willikers. - Here, take some of these pills.

- A sedative. - No.

It'll knock you out at first, but then you'll feel great.

- I think that's what it does. - No, thanks.

What's wrong with you, Homer? You should be celebrating.

I just saved your life. First patient I ever did that for.

Well, I don't want to sound ungrateful, Doc, but you also just spoiled my trip.

- What trip? - My trip to New York.

I was gonna use the $300 bonus the railroad gives you for dying

to go to New York and have a good time and die happy.

Oh, I'm sorry, kid. If it was up to me, you could have a trip around the world.

What good would that do me? I'd only wind up back in Desert Hole.

There's nothing wrong with Desert Hole, if you like holes in the desert.

Well, I kind of graduated from it while I was dying.

Now I have to go back to that station,

working every day and watching the Super Chief whiz by.

If only once it would go...

But, no, always...

All right, all right, all right. Steady, Homer, easy. Easy.

Gee whiz, Doc! I'm not ungrateful,

but it is kind of strange to be brought to life twice,

and both times in Desert Hole.

You probably thought nothing was wrong with him, either, huh?

- Going straight through, Art? - Nope, got a passenger for you today.

A... A...

- Desert Hole, New Mexico. Hi, Homer. - Hi, Mr Moore.

Oh, no. Not even for the Pulitzer Prize.

Just a minute, ma'am.

They all do that the first time, but you'll get used to it.

That's what I'm afraid of. Oh, well!

All aboard!

Oh, just lead me to the coolest, driest martini in town.

I'm gonna take off my shoes and wade in it.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but we don't have a saloon here.

But maybe I can get Joe Stevens down at the drugstore

to tap a new keg of sarsaparilla.

Oh, no. No, thank you. I just swore off.

I'm looking for Homer Flagg.

Do you have any idea where I can find the poor kid?

I'm the poor kid, ma'am.

Oh, I'm sorry. Here, give me these bags.

Sit down!

- You mean you're still working? - Why should I quit?

"Why should I quit?"

Now, there's a headline for you.

Homer, I'm Wally Cook of the New York Morning Chronicle.

- Oh, how do you do? - How do you do?

I know it's difficult for you to talk about it,

but if you could give me some information.

- Well, it's sort of all over now. - Oh, never say it's all over, Homer!

Well, I didn't say it, but Doc Harris...

Look, I don't want to hear about your ailment.

I don't want to hear anything that isn't gaiety and laughter

as far as you're concerned.

Because, Homer, I'm taking you to New York.

- New York? - That's right.

As guest of Oliver Stone, editor of the Morning Chronicle.

- Now, don't say anything until I tell you... - Oh, I didn't say anything.

Good.

We're going to lay the whole cockeyed city at your feet.

The town will take you to its heart.

Everything you've ever wanted, you'll have on a silver platter.

- Everything? - Everything.

Could you get the Super Chief to stop

right here at Desert Hole to pick me up?

Homer, Oliver Stone could get the Queen Mary to stop here.

All of this just because...

Yes, Homer.

That's putting it bluntly,

but I might as well be honest.

You're going all the way to New York

because you've got radiation poisoning.

How far can I go on a sinus condition?

Oh, don't joke, Homer.

It's too serious.

Now, could you show me to a hotel so I could freshen up?

- Yes, ma'am. There's one right here. - Oh, I'll take the bag.

I'll take the coat.

- This way, ma'am. - All right.

Hi, Shane.

Believe me, I'd take you out of this town if you were my worst enemy.

Have you lived here all your life?

Oh, twice that, ma'am.

Tell me, Miss Cook, when will we go?

Right after I talk to your doctor.

Oh, do you have to?

Our readers like all the gruesome details.

They're strong enough to stand the truth.

Yeah, but am I?

Well, here's the hotel, Miss Cook.

- I'll see you later. - Bye.

Doc!

Love me, love me, love me, baby, too

Hey, Doc. Excuse me! Hey, Doc! Listen, Doc! Doc! Hey, excuse me, Doc.

- Hey, Doc! Hey, Doc, you gotta help me! - You got an appointment?

No, but listen, Doc, there's a reporter from New York, see?

And she wants me to go there with her, all expenses paid, and you know why?

- Because I'm dying. - You're not gonna die, Homer.

I just made out a new report to the railroad.

Oh, you can overlook it, can't you, Doc? It could slip your mind, can't it?

Every doctor makes mistakes, that's why we have hospitals.

Look, the retainer the railroad gives me is the only thing that keeps me alive.

- I couldn't do a thing like that. - Oh, yes, you could!

Because if you don't, I'll just drop them a little line myself.

What a fine doctor they got, takes X-rays of Swiss watches.

You'd be fired.

Then I'd tell them about their new stationmaster,

who's trying to gyp them out of $300.

Then you'd be fired.

Yeah, that's probably what would happen.

That is, if we both weren't honourable men.

- But we are, aren't we? - Sure.

What would it hurt you to tell one little teeny-weeny white lie?

I'm sorry, Homer.

I may have been last in my class, but I'm a doctor.

I couldn't hand in a phoney report. I swore the solemn Hippocratic oath.

"With purity and holiness, I will pass my life and practise my art."

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I couldn't ask you to go back on an oath like that.

You don't have to lie. Just give me something fatal.

Oh, I couldn't do that, not on purpose.

It doesn't necessarily have to be radiation poisoning.

It could be just anything you got laying around the office.

- I won't be a party to it. - Force yourself!

- No! - Well, then, I'll help myself!

Now, don't touch that stuff, Homer!

I'll touch anything that'll get me to New York.

A little of this.

Two cc's of that.

A little of this.

Witchcraft!

Splendid! Reaction!

I'll drink it.

I'm going to drink it.

- What was that? - Congratulations, Homer.

You're gonna have the healthiest baby that was ever born in this town.

Oh, that's her. That's her, Doc. Please.

Come on, Doc, give me a break, will you, please?

Come in.

Remember, Hippocratic oath.

Dr Harris?

Yes.

I'm Wally Cook of the New York Chronicle.

How... How...

How.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's been such a long time since I've seen a girl,

I mean, a female girl in Desert Hole.

Well, if you don't mind, I'd like some facts about

Homer's ailment.

Miss Cook, we might as well tell the truth.

You see, about those X-rays...

Oh, Homer, you look pale.

I do?

- You're not well. - I'm not?

- You better lie down. - What for?

You just rest and let me do the talking.

Yeah, but...

You wouldn't believe me if I told you what his pulse was.

Oh, the poor kid.

You know, if you're gonna take him all the way to New York,

he'd better be under medical supervision at all times.

Oh, don't you worry.

We'll get him the finest doctors in the world.

Oh, no, Homer has a strange feeling that no doctor can do for him what I can.

And it's best not to upset him. After all, his is a very rare case.

Yeah, Miss Cook, you could search for years and not find another one like it.

You see, Miss Cook, it's my duty never to leave his side,

as long as I can be of help with a little faith, a little knowledge

and a deeply-felt sense of honour and integrity.

Don't stand there, get a doctor!

Just talked to Oliver, Oliver Stone, my editor.

He's toe-dancing in the streets, waiting for us.

Half the town is at La Guardia Airport.

What's that down there? What's that?

Oh, that's little old New York.

If you see a red carpet down there, Homer, that's for you.

And eight million people will be weeping and cheering

and buying newspapers.

What a way to make a buck.

Oh, don't feel bad, Miss Cook, because if your newspaper didn't make money,

I'd have never gotten this trip.

So we're even. I just want to have fun.

Then, have fun, Homer.

From the Battery to the Bronx, it's all yours.

Take it while you can.

Because in a month from now, they'll have forgotten all about you.

- Miss Cook, I'd like to ask you a favour. - Yes, Doctor?

I don't want any so-called specialists poking at my patient.

I'm not bringing him all the way to New York just to be a guinea pig.

Yes, 'cause everybody knows what I got is incurable, so it would just be

a waste of time.

Oh, don't worry. I'll see you're not bothered.

You know, sailor, all these stories have to begin the same way.

Now, what do you think of New York?

Oh, I feel as if I lived here all my life.

I feel as if I were coming home.

- Beautiful! - I'm gonna have fun first.

I am, really I am.

Well, if that doesn't make them cry, nothing will.

Cry? Why should they cry?

Because you're the bravest, sweetest, and nicest kid in the whole world.

Miss.

"...I were coming home.

"I feel..."

- What was that? - 2:00 medicine.

2:00 medicine at 9:00?

You're not supposed to give me medicine.

You were last in your class.

Just one of his seizures. He's been going on nerve alone, you know?

Oh, the poor, brave kid.

Does this happen very often?

Can't tell yet. The case is too new.

Oh, but he'll be all right.

I hope so.

I know how you feel about poor Homer, but life must go on.

I ought to take you out on the town tonight and cheer you up.

- Homer would want it that way. - Really?

Sweetest kid that ever was.

Now, you tell me where you live, and I'll pick you up.

My dear doctor, I live on the front page of the Morning Chronicle.

On the what?

On the front page of the Morning Chronicle.

And you can pick me up for seven cents.

Now climb back in your horse and buggy

and try your bedside manner on someone else!

What was that?

We just came down to earth.

Come on, boy, we've landed. Come on, come on.

"Gentlemen, as the Mayor of New York City, it gives me great pleasure

"to receive you here and to present you..."

Oh, I guess I'll remember it all right.

I really appreciate your doing this, Your Honour. It's for a worthy cause.

Hey, Doc! Doc, what's the latest bulletin?

- Status quo. - Well, is he suffering?

Feeling no pain, hasn't opened his eyes since we landed.

Poor guy. How long do you figure he'll last?

Sixteen days?

- Fifteen days, maybe? - Well, that's hard to tell.

Well, look, if you get a hint, tip me off, will you?

Because I got the fourteenth day in the pool.

Yeah, I'll tell him. Maybe for you, he'll speed things up.

Thanks, Doc.

- Is there a cure for him? - Not in his condition.

I'm Dr Harris.

Would you take a letter, please?

To Mr Saks, in care of Saks Fifth Avenue,

New York, New York.

Would you read that back, please?

"Mr Saks, Saks Fifth Avenue, New York, New York."

- Is that all I said? - Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Dear, Mr Saks, how's the family?

New paragraph.

I read the ad in the paper today and I would like two of everything.

And send the bill to Oliver Stone,

in care of the New York Morning Chronicle.

Drop over and see me for a minute

if you can get someone to watch the store.

Sincerely yours, Homer Flagg.

The poor kid.

- Oh, don't feel bad. I'm not gonna... - Homer!

...have trouble living here. Hiya, Steve.

Hey, Steve, get a load of all this. Is this beautiful?

Come here, let me show you around! In here. Isn't this terrific?

A bathroom bigger than the station at Desert Hole.

And look it out here, Doc.

Another bathroom.

So shiny, so clean, you gotta wash up before you go in there.

Hey, come here.

This way.

- And guess what's in here? - A bathroom.

Right. Isn't that silly?

Indoors, three bathrooms. Outdoors, nothing.

- All right, Homer, calm down. - And look over here.

- Homer. - Hey, Doc, look at this furniture.

- Is that terrific? - Homer.

And the telephone, all you have to do is pick it up and ask for room service.

- Homer! - But the paper's paying for it.

Hello, room service, please. Hello, room service? Guess who?

What are you doing, Doc?

Come on. He's a very sick boy.

Come on.

Oh, hello. Hello, everyone.

How are you all?

What are you doing, you idiot?

- I'm living my last days to the hilt. - You gotta calm down.

Don't you know this whole city's gone off its rocker about you?

You gotta play the part.

You gotta give them something to cry about.

Like the end is drawing close.

Oh, Doctor.

I think the end is drawing close.

I'm not long for this world, Doctor.

Oh, and I'm so young.

Oh, much too young to die.

No. You gotta play it weak and soulfully.

- Well, that was weak and soulfully. - But it wasn't believable.

Look, if someone comes in, first we do this.

Then I take your pulse, and you do the rest with your eyes.

Remember this is a sickroom. Hurry up, get in bed.

Hello. Yes, this is Dr Harris.

I told you, Mr Flagg is in no condition to receive visitors.

Needs all the rest he can get.

Why didn't you say so in the first place? Send them right up!

Homer! Homer!

Wally and the editor, they're on their way up. Here.

Thirty-two in the waist.

Would you make two of everything, please?

One for me and one for my doctor.

- Did you hear that, two of everything? - Homer!

- One for him, one for the doctor. - Here he is now!

- Hiya, Doc. - What are you doing here?

These guys make nice clothes. Go ahead, measure him.

- Don't measure me. - The shoulder is 17.

- Homer! - Hello, room service?

- Homer. - What have you got left?

I'm just gonna order something to eat for you. Aren't you hungry, Doc?

Homer!

- Will you let me out? - Hello, room service.

He's a very sick boy.

- Hello. Just a minute. Hold on. - Homer.

- Hello, New York. Hello. I love you. - Homer.

You want to come up for dinner? Room 3608.

- How many shrimp cocktails? - Homer.

- I got it. - Homer.

What are you doing down there, Doc?

Come on.

Hello? Hello?

Yes, I'm holding on room service.

I'm just trying to get room service.

Come on, son, you're going to bed.

Oh, no, but I have guests for dinner!

You do that later. Right now, I got to check your haemoglobin.

No, wait a minute. Send me 3,000 shrimp cocktails.

- Oh, Homer, 3,000 shrimp cocktails. - Well, that's how many people I invited.

Why, you little hyperthyroid.

Everybody'll get wise, and Wally will be here in a minute.

Yeah, and I'm gonna tell her on you, too. You leave me alone.

I'm just trying to have some fun, and you're stopping me from having it!

Come on, I want to have fun.

You want to have fun? Go ahead, have fun.

Doc! Doc!

Here comes Dr Harris now.

Quiet, everyone, quiet.

Friends, I'm sorry you had to see him like that.

But it's the leukocytes fighting the necrosis.

I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention that.

Now, if you'd all leave,

I'm sure he can get a little peace and a little quiet.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Doc! Doc! Hey, Doc!

That wasn't very nice of you, Doc. I had no fun in there!

- Oh, quiet, Homer. - What's the matter?

Wally's out in the hall. Now, do me a favour.

- What? - Die a little.

Now.

Come in.

- Oh, Dr Harris, how is he? - Status quo.

Is there any pain?

Comes and goes, goes and comes.

- Oh, this is Oliver Stone, my publisher. - Happy to know you, Doctor.

I don't know how we can show our thanks for all you've done,

but I'm having my paper, the Chronicle,

prepare a series of articles against socialised medicine.

Say, he has quite an appetite, hasn't he?

Oh, eats like a horse.

Symptoms of the disease.

Well, but don't you think you should put him on a diet?

Dr Harris, may we see him?

Well...

- May we? - Yes.

- This way. - This way.

Well...

- How are you, sailor? - Seasick.

Hello, Homer. I'm Oliver Stone.

Oh, how do you do? I'm awfully glad to meet you, Mr Stone.

You're the kind soul that's giving me everything free.

Everything I want, sparing no expense.

What a fine man, what a good man, what a swell man you...

Seems awfully healthy to me.

That's the way he is, always smiling.

Homer, Oliver has scheduled a lot of public appearances for you.

Oh, I'm sorry, but the fewer people he sees the better.

I think it's best I filled in for him.

Wait a minute! He's the story, not you!

If you think at these prices that I...

I didn't mean to upset you, but we've made all the arrangements.

The World Series, complete tour of the city.

Tomorrow, tomorrow was going to be Homer Flagg Night at Wonderland.

Oh, he doesn't feel up to it.

What's Wonderland?

Oh, it's a dancehall, girls. Much too tiring.

- I feel fine. - Are you sure you're up to it?

All these events are fine for circulation, but you come first.

Oh, I'm fine.

But when the end does come,

I want you to write about me, "Exit Laughing."

You better go now. He's had enough.

- Come on, let's go. Come on. - Yes.

- Doctor. - Yes?

I want to thank you for what you're doing for Homer.

- It's not very much. - I know all about it.

You do? Well...

Leaving your hometown to come to New York,

giving up your whole practice.

My whole practice is right in that room.

The poor kid.

Poor Homer.

No! No! Wait a minute.

There's gotta be a mistake.

- Shrimp cocktails for 3,000. - No! I protest!

This must be the wrong room!

- Who ordered these shrimp cocktails? - No!

...popcorn, chewing gum!

Candy, peanuts, popcorn, chewing gum!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Homer Flagg has just entered Yankee Stadium.

I ask this distinguished gathering to rise in tribute.

Who is the bravest?

The very bravest by far

You are the bravest

Homer Flagg, you are

We thank you. Be seated.

And now, Homer will throw out the first ball.

The first ball for us, perhaps the last one for him.

Mr Flagg.

If you're too weak to throw it all the way to the pitcher,

just toss it to me, and I'll relay.

Oh, no, thank you.

There will be a change in the line-up for New York.

Now pitching...

I think I'll have

this filet mignon with souffl�,

and then some vichyssoise.

Duck a I'orange aux truffles is nice,

and for dessert, I'll have some of those petit fours.

I'll leave it to you.

You bring me everything you can think of.

- Why should I worry about my weight? - Homer.

- Don't eat the food here, it'll kill you. - But I'm hungry.

I'll run next door to the delicatessen. I'll get you a nice corned beef sandwich.

Oh, I wouldn't want you to go to that trouble.

I assure you, it's an honour.

Hey.

How does a fellow get through to you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I was watching Homer.

I've tried everything. You know, some boys and girls,

when they dance, pay attention to each other.

- Oh? - May sound like a radical idea to you,

but why don't you give it a try?

I'm sorry, Steve. I'm paying attention now.

What did you want to tell me?

How do you speak to an angel?

I'm completely in the dark

When you know that you've just met an angel

is there a proper remark?

We were alone for a moment

Why was I lost in a cloud?

Do you speak to an angel in a whisper?

Or do you just say I love you

out loud?

We were alone for a moment

Why was I lost in a cloud?

Do you speak to an angel in a whisper?

Or do you just say

I love you

out loud?

Let's see what Homer's doing.

Maybe he's got a girl for me.

Especially for you.

Eat. Eat. Enjoy yourself.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Having fun? - Kind of.

But sometimes I get a little depressed.

Like before, when we walked in, everybody moaned.

They all looked at me like I was an iodine label.

Hold it!

That ought to wring their hearts.

I used to love New York when it went gaga over some celebrity

and danced in the street with a neon light around its heart.

But I'm getting fed up with the trick tears and the phoney lamentations over you.

I'm glad they're phoney.

Kind of makes everything all right in a way.

- Makes what all right? - Well...

- Makes what all right? - Well...

Homer means he doesn't like to see these people suffer.

They love to suffer.

Yeah, for good clean fun, there's nothing like a wake.

Please, let's not talk shop.

Come on now, this conversation's getting me down.

Let's loosen up a bit. A little champagne, please.

- That's the word. Champagne. - Champagne.

- Buckets of it. - Buckets of it.

- White champagne. - White champagne.

- Pink champagne. - Pink champagne.

- Blue champagne. - Blue champagne.

Mix it all together and force it down my throat.

This is my last fling, and I'm gonna fling it.

- No, Homer, it's not on your diet. - Big mouth.

Waiter, bottle of ginger ale for Mr Flagg.

Bottle of ginger ale for Mr Flagg.

- Domestic. - Domestic.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

May I offer greetings to this star-studded array of celebrities.

Tonight, there is one among us

who adds a bit of unaccustomed drama to our revels.

Here's your ginger ale.

Thanks very much.

There he sits, undaunted by fate, a brave smile on his lips,

drinking in the charm, the glitter, the gay sounds of life.

Don't pay any attention to the label.

You've got champagne in the ginger ale bottle.

Big mouth, he got ginger ale in the champagne bottle.

- "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." - Thank you.

On with the show, my little actors all,

for New York is New York,

and though its heart breaks, it dances.

Tonight!

Tonight, my friends,

you are not the famous people of Broadway.

Tonight, you are a little chorus laughing and pirouetting

to afford one last brief hour...

- Here's your water, Homer. - Who wants water?

- Vodka. - Oh, vodka.

- Only for you. - For me.

Compliments, Waiters' Union, Local 603.

- Now? - Who's stopping?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, if the judges are ready,

we will start Wonderland's internationally famous Jitterbug Final.

I wanna dance.

Ladies and gentlemen, never have I been so deeply touched.

Homer Flagg has asked permission to enter our dancing contest.

One final gauntlet thrown into the face of the Grim Reaper.

- Shall we let him? - No!

- Yes! - Yes!

Homer, you're very fortunate this evening.

My friends, we are indeed very happy to present

last year's contest winner, Miss Sheree North.

You're gonna dance with me, baby

That's what you're gonna do

You're gonna dance with me, baby

I've got my eye on you

Come on and dance it up, baby

This is my lucky day

We're gonna win a cup, baby

We'll take the prize away

I've got to have my baby or I'd rather wind up dancing alone

- No other gal - No!

I wanna winner not a beginner

No other guy for you, baby

What makes you think you're free?

Tell all the others to dance with their brothers

That's how it's got to be

We'll win the cup Steal the prize

Right before their very eyes

'Cause you're gonna dance with me, baby

Give him air.

Give him some air.

- Is he all right? - He's hurt.

Come on, give him some air.

Doctor, I want to know the worst.

We go to press in 15 minutes.

Oh, Oliver. Is there a chance, Steve?

Say something. Say something.

Here's a new bulletin on the condition of Homer Flagg,

who collapsed last night at Wonderland.

The Mayor of New York has rushed to Homer's side

to extend the city's sympathy.

And the following is a statement

issued from the sick room at 9:15 by Dr Stephen Harris.

Quote. Homer is holding his own. Unquote.

Here. We'll go halfies.

Oh, Steve. We were so nervous. It took you so long.

I had to go clear over to the Belleflower Hospital

- for the latest drugs. - Oh, yeah.

- Sorry, no visitors. - The Chronicle has to know.

Yes, but, Doctor, I have a very important appointment!

Oh, I'm sure it won't take much longer now.

The Mayor wants to take your pulse.

Oliver wants to pull a sheet over your head.

That's what this dog wants to do. Can't we send him back?

That's a pedigreed basset hound, a gift from the Governor of Kentucky.

You don't want to insult the Bluegrass State, do you?

No, but why couldn't they send me a horse I could ride out of town?

Oh, my head.

You have what is known in the medical annals as la hangover.

I got worse than that, I got a conscience.

I'm a liar, that's what I am.

Worst liar that ever lived.

I'd shoot myself, only I'm afraid it might make me feel better.

Here, drink this.

Go ahead, drink it.

What was that I drank?

Tomato juice, Worcestershire,

Tabasco, horseradish and a raw egg.

- Why didn't you give me medicine? - Medicine? Never carry it.

- It's too dangerous. - What college did you graduate from?

- Who graduated? - Oh.

I don't care how important it is! What I'm doing is more important!

You think you've got troubles.

Look at me. For the first time in my life, I'm in love.

Just a moment, please. She's out there now.

She's been begging to get in to see you.

Homer, I want to go straight.

The works, preacher, white picket fence.

She won't listen to me.

She'll listen to every cockeyed story you tell her, but me, she won't listen to.

Will you do me one favour?

You want I should die? Oh, Doctor.

I don't want you to die. Just tell Wally what I said.

The works, marriage.

She'll believe you even when you're telling the truth.

Is it the truth?

- Do you want to marry her? - Yes.

Okay, Steve. I'll tell her.

Thanks, Homer. I...

Thanks.

Yeah, well... Goodbye.

He wants to see you.

Please, it'll be much easier if they're alone.

I'm glad you wanted to talk to me.

You see, I'm going away,

and I thought I might not see you again until...

You're going away? Where?

- Just to Albany. - What for?

Well, just to see the Governor.

What are you doing in Albany with the Governor?

It's about me, huh?

It's about a monument in Central Park.

What monument?

Your monument, Homer.

I don't want any monument.

Why not?

Well,

because I hate pigeons.

The city wants you to have it.

And I'm glad I told you about it.

I want you to know now and always that I think you're magnificent.

I wish you wouldn't say that, Wally.

I don't feel magnificent at all.

I know.

And that's what makes you so magnificent.

Why do we always have to talk about me and monuments and things?

Why don't we talk about something cheerful,

like marriage and a home and a family?

- Why, Homer. - And Steve can give you all that, too.

Steve?

Well, I know you think he's not the kind to settle down,

but with you, he would.

Who wouldn't with a girl like you?

You're so understanding, and kind,

and sweet,

and beautiful and...

I wish I could think of another word.

Homer, did Steve ask you to tell me all this?

Well, what difference does that make?

- He's a... - Did he?

That's pretty hard to answer, except to say yes.

I think that's the most unselfish and beautiful thing I ever heard.

Well, Steve's like that, unselfish and...

I wasn't talking about him.

Oh, how could I have been so blind?

I know you'd never lie to me.

You're in love with me, aren't you?

Yes, I am, Miss Cook.

Mr Flagg, will you marry me?

But Steve's in love with you. No, no, he's the one you should marry.

There's no future in marrying me.

- That's the most heartbreaking... - No. No.

Oh, what if all we have is a couple of weeks?

A handful of perfect hours.

- No, no. - And I'll be there at the end, sailor.

I'll be there saying goodbye.

Yes, yes.

- Steve! Steve! - Goodbye.

Steve!

- Well, what happened? - Is it the end?

- Well, he just fainted. - I'll get out another extra.

Mayor, can you perform a wedding ceremony tomorrow?

- Why, of course I can. - Wally.

- You'll be best man. - Best man?

Mayor...

I tried, Doc, but she wanted me.

You must have tried awfully hard.

I don't feel very good.

Champagne and wedding cake

Oh, what a celebration it will be

There'll be champagne and wedding cake

The day that you belong to me

Nine foot high and 10 foot wide

The biggest wedding cake you've ever seen

The champagne bubbles can solve all your troubles

So try a glass and you'll know what I mean

Gee, Wally, I...

I don't usually have trouble talking, and I'm...

But I guess I do have trouble talking to you.

How do you speak to an angel?

I'm completely in the dark

When you know that you've just met an angel

is there a proper remark?

We were alone for a moment

Why was I lost in a cloud?

Do you speak to an angel in a whisper?

Or do you just say I love you

out loud?

Do you speak to an angel in a whisper?

Or do you just say I love you

out loud?

I love you, I love you, I love...

Hello.

You're really going to go through with this, huh?

Why shouldn't I? She loves me.

What happens when she gets tired of waiting for you to keel over?

She loves me. She'll be happy.

And after the wedding, I'll tell her the whole thing,

and we'll have a big laugh over it.

If you really believe she loves you, you'll tell her before you marry her.

Yeah? Well, you're just jealous.

And if you want to be a spoilsport, why don't you tell her?

Oh, sure, why don't we tell everybody?

We're both in this up to our necks.

If this city ever finds out what kind of a fraud you are,

they'll lock you up and throw the warden away.

I couldn't do it to you.

Oh, it's awfully big of you.

I'm taking my stuff and I'm going across the hall,

so you and Wally can have the whole place to yourselves.

Thanks a lot.

And believe me, I don't give you three weeks to live.

Yes?

- Hi, Steve. - Hi.

I know it's bad luck,

but I wanted to see Homer before the wedding.

But I wanted to see Homer before the wedding.

Well, he's gone.

Don't worry. You couldn't be that lucky. He's around here somewhere.

- Wally. - Please, Steve, let go of me.

You're not gonna go through with it, are you?

- Yes. - Why?

Because the world owes Homer a little happiness.

You're not the world.

You're in love with me. You are, aren't you?

- What are we going to do about it? - Nothing.

You'll just have to wait until Homer's gone.

I should live so long.

Wally.

We are gathered here together

to join this man and this woman

in bonds of holy matrimony.

If any of you know any just or legal reason

why these two should not be thus joined,

speak now or forever hold your peace.

Do you, Wally Cook, take Homer Flagg to be your lawful wedded husband,

to love, honour and cherish him,

to comfort him in sickness and in health?

I do.

And you, Homer Flagg,

do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

No, because she doesn't love me.

- Homer. - Well, it's true. You just pity me.

You were only marrying a sinus condition, anyhow.

- Now, Homer. - Bye.

But, Homer, no.

What's the matter with him? What did he mean?

Oh, it's sad. His case is more advanced than I thought.

You see, the poisoning has reached his lobus maximus.

- His what? His lobus... - Maximus.

- Let me get to him first. - All right.

Mayor, help me get through.

Homer, what are you doing?

I'm packing my things and I'm going back to Desert Hole,

where I'll never have to wear these again.

You acted like a man, but you can't run away.

Yeah? Well, she'll be after me again,

begging me to marry her.

And next time, I'll be too weak to resist,

and I'll hate myself every morning for years.

You can't hide. You're a national figure.

Well, I don't feel like a national figure.

I'm just gonna sneak away with my hat over my eyes

through the park and down the alley.

Then on a boat to Sing Sing.

- Wally. - Protect me.

Don't let her come in. If she kisses me again, I'm a goner.

You got my word, but if she gets past me, there's no way out.

- What'll I do? - I'll leave that entirely up to the boy

who was quick-witted enough to get us into this mess.

I told her it reached your lobus maximus.

- You take it from there. - Oh, you mean...

Yeah.

Is he in there?

Well? Well? Well?

I'd much rather you wouldn't see him

- in his present condition. - Well, what's the matter with him?

No, no, the Doctor's absolutely right, Wally.

- We'll just send in a photographer. - No, I want to know the worst.

Look, Doctor, I want to talk to you a moment, just...

- Homer! - Where are you?

- Homer? - Where is he? What happened to him?

We're over target! Bombs away!

Hurrah! A direct hit!

Bombs away!

Bombardier to pilot. Reload!

Homer, don't you know who I am?

Yes. You're our commanding officer.

And we'll win the war for you, too.

I told you not to come in.

Espionage, eh? Bombs away!

Direct hit, men.

- Major. - Yes?

Is it all right if I send someone in

to photograph you for the Air Force Journal?

No. You're an enemy!

This is silly.

Direct hit.

Please try and forget.

Oh, but...

Direct hit! Good work, men.

All right, Homer. Homer, come on. Come on down.

Come on.

Will you stop playing games and get down here?

- You still here? Go on home. - Oliver, you've got to listen to me.

There are just three doctors, three great men in this world,

who really know the score on radiation poisoning.

- They might save him. Yes. - Save him?

This whole town is getting tired of the way he's hanging on.

There's such a thing as too much pluck.

- Besides, our circulation is dropping. - Then this is the way to build it up.

We'll make it your personal campaign.

Think of the headlines, Oliver.

"Humanitarian Editor Saves Hero's Life."

Why, they'll be building monuments to you.

And there's always politics, Oliver.

Think what it means to be a senator. Your mail goes free.

I'm not interested in personal glory,

but it might sell some newspapers. You get those doctors on the phone.

Yes, sir.

- Long distance, please. - Long distance?

Wait a minute, where are they? California?

- Oh, no, one's in Hong Kong. - No.

- One in Vienna. - No.

- And one in Paris. - No.

Hello. I'm calling for Oliver Stone.

I'd like to place a call to Dr Chung See Lee,

Hong Kong General Hospital, Hong Kong.

Thank you. The operator.

Look, operator, let me know when my three minutes are up.

Steve, are you still so set against any other doctors looking at Homer?

- That's the last thing I'd want to see. - But if they didn't treat him,

if they just took him to Belleflower Hospital and looked him over?

That's the last thing I want to see. Can't we talk about something else?

We've had a beautiful morning. You dragged me out of bed at 8:30.

I think we've fed every squirrel in Central Park.

Oh, no, don't bother. You've had me eating out of your hand long ago.

I guess I'd better get back to the office.

What's the matter?

I've been looking all over town for that perfume.

Isn't this lovely?

Let me buy you a quart.

$104.

Just take a sniff and let's go.

- Do you think you can afford even that? - Oh, I'm loaded.

- You saw my office in Desert Hole. - Oh, luxurious.

I own all the adhesive tape outright. After all...

Financial responsibility is a day to day affair

But for the first time in my life

I'm beginning to care

Money burns a hole in my pocket

How I wish I had millions of dollars

and nothing to do

but just buy pretty presents for you

Money burns a hole in my pocket

How I wish I had oil wells in Texas

to keep me supplied with money

while I sit by your side

Every day of the week

we would visit the stores

All the beautiful things you seek

would soon be yours

'Cause money

burns a hole in my pocket

So I'm bringing you perfume and candy and roses of red

And wishing they were diamonds instead

Come on, cut it out, fellas! I'm being forced into this!

Wait till Dr Harris finds out. You guys will be in trouble.

We'll set him down here while we open the door.

- Look out! Look out! - Stop that man!

- Homer! - Taxi! Taxi!

- Taxi! - Come back here, Homer!

Homer! Come back, Homer!

- Come back here, Homer! - Taxi!

I'm Homer Flagg. They're after me. Let's go!

- You bet we will. - Good.

Oh, no! These are the guys!

What happened here? Convention?

Oh, nothing to worry about, Doctor.

Your patient's safely on his way to the hospital.

Oh, fine. Fine.

- My patient! Hospital! What hospital? - Belleflower.

- What? - Belleflower!

Belleflower! Belleflower? You know what they'll do to him?

They'll examine him!

You knew it all the time.

Steve, it's for his own good.

What do you know what's good for him?

- I was only trying to help. - "I was only trying to help."

I gotta get to him first! Taxi!

Belleflower! Taxi!

Homer! You all right?

Get me out of here!

They got me strung up here like a plucked chicken!

Well, we'll both be dead ducks if we don't hurry!

The specialists are already here!

One's from Vienna, one's from Hong Kong,

- and the other's from Paris. - We should be in all those places.

- Let's go! - No, it's too late!

We gotta fool the specialists.

I gotta get your pulse up to 160.

- What for? - To send you into a coma.

- What's a coma? - Never mind. Put up your dukes.

- Hit me. - No, I like you.

- Now hit me. - I still like you.

I know, but the doctors are waiting.

You got us into this mess, you little phoney.

I was just trying to have some fun. You were in on the whole thing!

But it was your idea first. Now come on, hit me!

Who are you hitting, you mail order M.D., you?

Which stands for "miserable doctor"!

- Attaboy! - I'll mobilise you!

- Come on! Hit me! - You better watch your step.

I'll make mincemeat out of you, boy!

Attaboy. Hit. Come on.

You asked for this, buddy. You're gonna get yourself in a heck of a lot of trouble!

Look at that! Watch that footwork!

Attaboy, come on!

More, more, more, more! Hold it! Hold it!

Come on, let's go! Hit me! Attaboy.

Hit me. Oh, you can hit me. Come on, try harder.

- You can hit me. - Well, let me hit you. Stand still.

- Come on. - I'll hit you.

Let me hit you. Let me hit you once.

Now, listen carefully.

When you come to, just pant and groan.

What do you mean, when I come to?

Well, when you regain consciousness, yell every time the doctors touch you.

Yeah, yeah.

- Okay, now, say good night to Papa. - Goodnight, Papa.

Good night.

Dr Harris.

Steve. Steve.

Dr Harris!

Dr Harris, are you in there?

Don't come in, nurse. Steve. Steve, get up.

Dr Harris, Dr Egelhofer of Vienna

is waiting for your patient in the fluoroscope room.

Did you hear me, Dr Harris?

And Dr Nassau of Paris and Dr Lee of Hong Kong

have just entered the scrubbing room.

Please hurry!

Dr Harris, please hurry. The doctors are waiting for you!

I'll be right there, nurse.

Here's the patient from Room 433, Doctor.

Seems to be in a coma.

I shall make the medical judgements here, gentlemen.

I can dispose with your advice.

Who is?

Dr Nassau de Paris.

Good, kommen Sie rein, Doctor.

- Nassau! - Oh, hello, Doctor!

Yes, but der verstunkene patient seems to be in perfect health.

Oh, no, no, the Dr Nassau.

The radiation poisoning set in the reflex all over.

That is not true!

The reflexes, Herr Doctor.

- See? - No!

That is not true!

Please, Doctor!

Horrible, oui?

I do not understand!

It's easy.

- Who is? - The consultation, Doctor.

- The examination! - But I...

The X-ray!

Here, study the X-ray.

Examine the X-ray, Doctor.

I am Dr Nassau.

Und I am the one and only Dr Emile Egelhofer.

You're not going to kiss me a little bit?

This is Monsieur Flagg?

This...

I must examine the patient.

The verstunkene patient is in the last stages of the last stages,

and better your eyes shouldn't be looking on him.

- You should be looking on the X-rays. - But, Herr Doctor.

I have travelled many thousands of miles.

But the X-rays will show what happened with the man.

It is very important that I examine the patient.

Study the X-ray. Study and you'll see that...

Dr Nassau, listen.

Where are you? I must get back to my mice!

You must be Honourable Doctor Egelhofer.

I am Honourable Doctor Chung See Lee, Hong Kong.

I am delighted. Shall we examine the patient together?

Oh, no! No time.

I must get back to Hong Kong to honourable wife,

who is not very honourable.

Funny? No. Let us look at X-ray and see patient

- who have radiation poisoning. - Listen to me, I... No, no, listen...

Dr Lee, I am Dr Nassau, Paris.

I will examine the patient.

But, Doctor!

The patient, the examination is no good without the X-ray.

But, Doctor, this is not ethical.

I came all the way from Hong Kong to examine the patient.

- Monsieur... - Doctor.

Monsieur, these are the X-rays of a woman!

Goes to show just how sick verstunkene patient is.

Verstunkene?

Verstunkene. Confucius say...

... verstunkene patient.

You study X-ray. Study X-ray, read X-ray.

Oh, no, wrong room.

Better room here, Doctor.

Nice old room. Good room, Doctor.

Oh, no fair, no fair. Two against one.

- Doctor! - Oh, no fair!

Trois against un.

Drei against eins.

- Doctor... - Bye!

- Where's Homer? - I Homer.

- The jig is up! - What jig?

Goodbye!

I told you we should have put him in the Psycho Ward!

What is going on? Who is he?

He's Homer Flagg.

- Are you all right, Dr Harris? - Harris?

Oh, fine. He jumped me and scalped me. Last stages of radiation poisoning.

Let me handle him. I'll take care of him. Thank you.

Wait! Such a case I've never seen.

I would like to proceed with the examination.

What are we gonna do?

Sir, now we are ready for the examination.

Over here, please.

- Normal. Perfect. - Wait!

Something in the region of the left aorta!

My dear Mr Stone, there is no vestige, no trace,

no single real symptom of any radiation poisoning in that young man.

Only a verstunkene dollar watch.

Are you sure you examined the right man?

We are positive.

Here is the full report of our examination.

- Here are the X-ray pictures. - The X-rays, Monsieur Stone.

And here, Mr Stone, our bill.

It's witchcraft!

Yes, Mr Stone?

Send me in four sluggers from the Circulation Department!

Yes, sir.

Hi, Oliver. Here's today's lead.

I only hope the poor kid can still read.

"Homer Flagg, laughing child of the Golden West,

"faced the lengthening shadows today undaunted..."

What's the matter with you, Oliver? You're not listening to me.

I am sitting here, Miss Cook,

toying with the idea of removing your heart and stuffing it like an olive!

Now, now, just hold on, Oliver. The strain's been too much for you.

- I'll go get a doctor. - Doctor!

You wouldn't know a doctor if you met one!

Look! Look at that skeleton!

Not a bone missing.

Glowing with health and fat!

Fat that I paid for! Look at it.

Rub your nose in it!

There you are. Homer Flagg!

Homer Flagg, the biggest fraud of the century!

He's out-slickered the city slickers.

Three weeks on the town at your expense.

Oh, come on, Oliver, where's your sense of humour?

You were going to marry him!

He would have done to you what he did to the paper!

Why, that two-timing little fraud!

Where's your sense of humour?

You sent for us, boss?

Well, these four Harvard freshmen will give Mr Flagg what he deserves.

There won't be enough left of him to shove under your fingernail!

Oh, no, you don't.

That won't save the Chronicle.

When I find those two desert rats, I'll give this story a finish

that'll dampen every eye from here to Gowanus Canal!

Well, you'd better or you'll be in it!

- What do you want us to do, boss? - Let us pray.

Boy, what a celebration, huh, Steve?

We really made monkeys out of those specialists, didn't we, Steve?

That's what they get for paying attention in class

and graduating with high honours.

- Where do we go from here? - Open up a little office on Park Avenue.

What for?

'Cause I'm the first doctor to discover a cure for radiation poisoning.

We'll be rich, famous, never have to go back to Desert Hole.

Oh, boy! New York will be our hometown!

I love New York

I love New York

All the streets in this city are one and the same

And I leave it to you

what's in a name?

Oh, the folks who live on a street like 11th

Are as fine as the family on 107th

That's Homer Flagg!

I tell you

Every street's a boulevard in old New York

Every street's a highway of your dreams

It's a thrill to shop on 34th Street

Or down in Union Square

We like the people you meet on Mulberry Street

Have you ever been there?

Every street's a boulevard in old New York

So keep smiling and you'll never wear a frown

Just remember there's the East Side

And the West Side

And Uptown and Down

That's why

we're proud to be a part of New York town

- 34th Street! - 34th Street!

- Union Square! - Union Square!

- Mulberry Street! - Mulberry Street!

Have you ever been there?

We like the people you meet on Mulberry Street

Have you ever been there?

Every street's a boulevard in old New York

Streets are paved with happiness in old New York

We're glad that we're a part of it

We're happy that we came

Each sidewalk is a concrete path to fame

Just remember there's the East Side

East Side

And West Side

West Side

And Uptown and Down

In this great, big metropolis

known as New York town!

A toast to Oliver Stone, our absent host!

Yeah, and he'll be very happy to hear

that we learnt to drink this stuff twice as fast.

He's such a kind man, so generous.

Now, a toast to Dr Stephen Harris, that's me,

discoverer of a cure for that dread disease Desert Holeitis.

Yeah.

Who's that?

Probably the Mayo brothers for a bit of advice.

You better get into bed.

And remember, teeter on the brink.

Don't worry, when I teeter, I teeter, boy!

Come in.

- Wally! - And how's the little sailor?

Oh, I wouldn't want you to see him in his present condition.

Oh, that's all right, Doctor. I've got a strong stomach.

Wally!

Wally!

How are you, Homer?

His head's awfully warm.

The poor kid.

- Sailor. - Yes, Captain?

I know you ran out on me once to spare me,

but I was wondering if you could find it in your heart to marry me now.

I'll be strong.

I think you'd better leave now. His temperature is rising.

Oh, I'm feeling much better. This morning I heard a bird sing.

Yeah, I heard the same bird sing, Homer. Sing Sing.

The fever's coming back.

Oh, open a window. I'm burning up.

98.6. Normal.

That shows you how crazy he is. He thinks he's normal.

I'm drowning.

- What's this? - That's his 2:00 medicine.

No need denying him anything now. He's teetering on the brink.

- Oh, and he wants to go formal. - Yeah, he wants to go formal.

That shows you what condition his brain is in,

doesn't know where he is. Where he is!

Oh, Hong Kong!

And sometimes he doesn't know what he is.

- This morning he thought he was a dog. - No!

Oh, not ordinary dog, but honourable Chinese retriever!

Come on. Come on, boy. Come on. Come on.

Mama wants to pet you goodbye for the last time.

That's a nice boy. Nice boy.

- Wally! - And you keep your hands off of me,

- you singing quack! - Should I try, "Bombs Away"?

Well, you'd better try something, because in a couple of hours,

the whole city of New York is going to be banging at the door,

howling for your blood!

I ain't got enough for everybody.

- Wally. - Yes?

- How much do you know? - The works.

The doctors tipped off Oliver.

Oh, that verstunkene Egelhofer should have stayed in Vienna with his mouse!

They'll boil you in oil in Macy's window!

After you marinate for a week in Gimbel's!

You got us into this, Wally. I told you no doctors.

- Oh, let's get out of here! - Let's pack our clothes and...

Now, come on, wait a minute! Nobody get hysterical.

I'm in this as deep as you are, so is the paper.

Now, I've got an idea.

Sit down at that table, you dying swan!

Do what Wally says. Sit down at the table.

- Now, I want you to write. - Write.

- Write what? - Your suicide note.

My suicide note! Oh, no, there must be another way!

Well, we haven't much time.

Will you sit down and write what I tell you?

"Dear metropolis of New York..."

- How do you spell "dear"? - Oh, never mind, I'll do it.

Now, listen carefully. We're going to go down to the river.

I'll photograph Homer jumping, the Chronicle will print the picture,

- you'll be waiting below in a rowboat. - That's great!

Why can't I be in the boat?

You will be, as soon as we pull you out of the river.

Then, we'll try to figure a way to sneak you out of town

while all of New York is crying over you.

I may be crying a little myself.

Now, come on, let's go.

Wally!

What happens if he can't find me after I jump in the river?

- Well, we'll search for you, of course. - Well, of course.

And if you do go under, you'll go under happy,

knowing that your last story wasn't a lie!

Well, the first lie wasn't a lie, Wally. I just wanted to see New York!

Hello.

What?

Well, stop crying and read it to me!

"Dear metropolis of New York,

"I have enjoyed everything.

"Now there's only one thing left to enjoy, your river."

Now, I'm gonna see to it that you get the Journalism Merit Badge,

if you don't call the fire or the police departments for a couple of hours.

I called them first.

What's the matter, boss?

We've got to see to it that Homer ends up in that river

before the police get to him.

Come on, let's go!

- Come on, take off your coat. - Take off my coat! What for? It's cold!

Come on, this rowboat is costing us 50 cents an hour.

Fifty cents an hour! Big deal!

And don't jump until someone sees you. That's more evidence.

And swim underwater to the boat for about 50 yards.

- Fifty yards? That's all I can swim! - That's all I can row.

- Take off your pants! - Here?

I thought this was a family newspaper.

Here, you don't know what you're doing!

- All right, go! - No!

- Come on, take the picture! - Right.

Oh, we're sunk!

- Go on, jump! - No!

Jump! By the time you hit the river, we'll be in the rowboat!

- Come on! - Come on!

I won't do it! I won't do it!

You can put it in your paper, I'm not gonna jump!

It's already in the paper that you jumped!

We're just waiting for the pictures.

Well, I can change my mind, can't I? I'm an American citizen.

Homer, we'll give you a military funeral!

- Homer, don't jump. - Oh, no, I won't.

- Please, Homer, don't jump. - No, I won't.

- Homer, don't jump. - All right, already, I'm not gonna do it,

but don't push me, pal!

Please, for my sake, don't jump!

All right, you talked me out of it, but don't push!

That way. Go get him!

Oh, no! No!

- Don't jump, Homer. - No, I won't!

What are you following me for? Why don't you keep the crowd back?

- Leave me alone, will you! - Wait a minute!

Homer, don't jump!

- Well, that's what I'm trying to tell them! - Don't jump!

Help me.

No!

Goodbye, Homer!

May I have a little quiet, please!

Good people of New York, fellow citizens,

we've come to the end of our quest!

- Bugler! - Your Honour, step aside, please.

Listen! They're playing my song!

It's such a nice ceremony. It kind of makes me feel like I should lie down.

You know, the nicest thing the Mayor ever did was to marry us in secret.

- Goodbye. Don't work too hard. - I won't.

Steve, do you think it's safe that we hang around New York like this?

I know the Mayor gave us these jobs, but after all, everybody knew me.

Homer, you were just a flash in the pan in old Manhattan.

In a week, they will have forgotten your name.

In fact, you don't even need these.

Well, if that's the case, we might as well go to work.

Every street's a boulevard in old New York

So keep smiling and you'll never wear a frown

Just remember there's the East Side and the West Side

And Uptown and Down