All language subtitles for Ben.And.Kate.S01E16_English

BEN:
Oh...

College, huh?

The big "C."

People don't say that.

C-town.

No.

"C" word.

That means something
completely different.

Yeah, it sounded bad
when it came out of my mouth.

Why did you quit
college the first time?

Was it because of me?

No, babe.

No.
No.

You guys, uh, picking
some classes there?
Yeah,

but the only classes we
can possibly take together

are conversational
French and ethics.

BEN:
Ugh.

Ethics? Come on,
give me a break.

What do you know
about ethics?

There's not much to know.

I raised myself right,

and my moral compass
always points due north.

Orphan steals bread.

I let him get away with it,

as long as it's not
hurting others.

You two
are both bitten

by snakes, but I only have
one antidote,

I give it to Maddie.

Sorry, Kate, but children
are our future.

Somebody gives me
a time machine.

I don't use it. You know why?

My name's not God.

(makes shooting noises)

* Wake up, look around

* There's a feeling today

* Fall down, get up again

* Get in the game

* Hey, hey, hey

* We're all here anyway.

I had no idea your girlfriend
was such a handywoman.

Neither did I.

She's full of surprises,

like a sexy, blonde piñata.

Hey, uh,
speaking of

surprises, so it's Vera and I's
two-month anniversary.

Mm-hmm.
Now, the traditional gift

is a handmade card
written at the last minute.

You know, maybe with
some sex coupons thrown in.

Right.
But I really want
to do something more romantic.

Why don't you take her on a
sunset cruise around the harbor?

Boats? I hate boats.

Boats are the worst.
Really?

I had no idea you
felt so strongly

and so negatively
about boats.

They remind of Florida.

Which really bums me out.

You hate Florida, too?
(chuckles)

But it's the Sunshine State.

You don't hate
sunshine, do you?
(both laugh)

Eh...

(continues laughing)

What?

Look at all these young men.

Oh, these young,

virile men.

It's not...

BJ: How about pulling
an all-nighter with him?

KATE: No, no, no.
Not doing that.

The first time that
I was in college,

I focused on all
the wrong things,

and by "things,"
I mean boys,

and by "boys,"
I mean Tyler, and...

six months later
I was a dropout.

So I'm not gonna let history
repeat itself, okay?

He's looking at you.

MAN:
Hello, everyone,

and welcome to

Ethics 101.

Ethics is
the foundation

of everything we do as active

participants in a society.
See?

Bet you wouldn't mind actively

participating in his society.

Stop it. That... I'm
trying to pay attention.

Kate, we are in college.

This is the inspiration
for college-themed pornography.

Look, now I'm stuck
in a relationship

with Buddy, I need
to vicariously live through you.

As long as you're willing
to vicariously highlight

some textbook
passages, then, great.

I'd like to see you
vicariously

highlight his passage.

No, I...
Yeah. Think about it.

See, that either that
didn't make any sense

It did.
at all, or it's

extremely dirty.

Okay, uh...
Good one.

Ew.
I'm sorry, ladies.

You two are speaking
at full voice.

Exactly.
Uh-uh.

To demonstrate
an ethical quandary.

Class dismissed.

Okay. Champagne...

flowers...

Ben.

Hey.

What is all this?

This, my dear,

is for our anniversary.

To a wonderful

two months.

(Vera laughs)

What are we, teenagers?

We don't have

to celebrate this
kind of thing.

And what are you wearing?

Uh, it's the shirt

from the day we met.

I am embarrassed to say

that I don't remember
what you were wearing,

but that-- it speaks

to an underlying narcissism
on my part, but...

I-I-I just had no idea you were
taking this so seriously.

What do you mean?

I-I just thought it was

more of a, you know,
a casual kind of a thing.

Casual?

What, like I'm a restaurant
that you can wear jeans to,

or like I'm a word
that you're

too lazy to finish, you know,
like "totes" or "whatevs."

'Cause that's ridic.

MAN:
Vera?

We need you.
Coming.

Ben.

We'll talk later.

Hey, nice flowers.

My girlfriend gave them to me.
(laughs)

What?

Whatev!

PROFESSOR:
But in ethics,

(snores)
we're taking a step back

to reflect on morality.
Okay.

Okay.

I'm right in the middle
of a lecture,

but it seems like a totally
natural time to get up

and leave, uh,
but I'd like to quickly invite

all of you to a reading
that I'm doing at the

campus bookstore
this evening.

I know you're all very busy,

but please feel free to stop by.

Hey.

Hi.

College. Pretty crazy, huh?

Yeah, it's like...
totally crazy.

You want to maybe
get together tonight?

Talk about how crazy

it is?
No.

I don't.

Um... I can't.

Why not?

I'm, like, super into college,

and stuff,
which is why I'm

going to that reading tonight,

so I can't.
The bookstore? My bookstore?
To the reading?

I mean, you know,
happens all the time.

There's... there's
always people,

students at the
reading, it's...

packed house.

Yeah, so I have
to go there. Bye.

What's crazy is,
it all comes back

to that one question, you know?

Can-can something be good
if it's not good for everyone?

Yeah, and who decides?

Right, right, and then you add
religion into the mix,

not to mention government
and tyranny, despotism...
Ah!

Despots, I hate despots.

Despots are the worst.

And war.
War.

Yeah.
Exactly.

This is the most interesting

conversation I've had
in a very long time.

But to be fair,

I do work at a bar
named after a dog,

so...
(chuckles)

Well, this is a real treat
for me, too.

Most undergrads aren't

this engaged and interesting.

They... they're

usually more like
this guy over there.

KATE:
What, is he stealing the rosé?

PROFESSOR:
I don't know.

Doesn't he know
that that's free?

I mean, come on.

Look at him, he's young,
you know?

God knows I didn't do college
right the first time.

Yeah, me
neither, but

honestly, I've been thinking
about what I've missed out on

for the past seven
years, and...

it's this.

It's all of this.

It's talking
about ideas

and-and having
real conversations

that mean something,

and that anything can happen.

You are...

you're my professor.

Mm-hmm.

Is this ethical?

Don't overthink it.

(quietly):
Okay.

BJ,

I am in a relationship
with a total stranger.

No...

Is that her

over there?

Does Lila know?

That is Lila.

God, you've got a type,
haven't you?

What do you mean, this is...

That's Lila. That's Lila.

Yeah, I know.

She looks like the other girl

Lila you're dating.

Other... there's no...
Oh, Tommy,

I'm really sorry,
I've got to take this.

It's Buddy,
he likes to video chat

when we've been apart
for too long.

Oh, that's sweet.

Sometimes he even points
the camera at his face.

Okay, I'm gonna go.
Okay.

(ringtone plays)

Hi.

Hey, Beej, what's going on?

Just working.

What's up with you?

Why are you so sweaty, huh?

Uh, mm, I had sex
with my ex-wife.

(laughs)

Shut up.

Yeah. Twice.

But it's not my fault.

I came by the house and she was
selling all my stuff.

And guess what.

She sold my nude
self-portrait for a dollar.

Yeah.

So I got mad,
and we got into a fight,

and you know how crazy I get
fighting with women, and...

Yeah, that's... yeah.

That's fine.

You're not mad?

No, it's...

whatever, it's totally fine
because...

we're not married, so whatever.

Wow.

Wow, God.

You're great.

MAN (over TV):
...accept me, or you don't...
(door closes)

WOMAN (over TV):
I love you.
Where's Kate?

I need to talk to her.

Have you been crying?

No.

Have you been watching

romantic comedies like a girl?

(scoffs)
No, I don't...

this was just on,
I don't even know where

the remote is.
Right.

It's a TV movie

called The Garden Inside of Us.

Oh.
It's about this...

this lovely horticulturist,

and she can

grow flowers, like,
all over the world.

Just these beautiful,
beautiful roses,

but...

nothing grows in here.

So, that's the...

Boy, maybe Vera has a point.

What happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

Fine.

What do you need Kate for?

I don't want to talk about it.

Vera basically called me a girl.

Buddy slept with another woman.

Hello, professor.
Ms. Fox.

What brings you off campus?

I figured I'd check in
on my favorite student,

maybe drop off a little
required reading material.

Oh, really?

Well, I have some material

that you're
required to read...

Oh, that's a real book.

Yes.
(chuckles)

I can't believe
Buddy did that.

Vera's no better, Ben.

No, I mean...

I mean, wha-- who does
she think she is?

I don't know, and it's
always on her terms.

Right, obviously.
That's the thing, you know?

Yeah.
It's like, she calls,

and it's like, "Oh, Ben,
ride over to my house.

"You know, come over at,
like, 2:00 in the morning,

get on your bike
and just come over."
Oh, please. No.

And I'm like, "Why
should I get on my bike?
Yeah.

I have a car,"
you know.
Yeah.

And she's like, "'Cause I
want you all hot and sweaty."

You know, and, it's like, I
get it, like, I'm ripped,
Uh-huh.

and when I'm sweaty, like, I
look fantastic, but it's, like,
Mm-hmm.

still, it's, like,
I have to go through

a really bad neighborhood
to get to her, you know?
Right. Yeah.

And she's like, "Well, I want
the smell of fear on you."

And it's, like, I
get it, you know?

It's, like, I'm incredibly
attractive when I'm, like,

Yeah.
terrified, but still,
it's like, come on.

I put my heart out there,

and then she just
stomps all over it.

It's kind of like
with me and Buddy,
Yeah,

how he's always saying to me

how he wants this
pansexual relationship.

Pansexual, like,
I don't even get,

I don't even understand
what that is,

Yeah.
so I totally get it.

Yeah, and I'm like,

"Fine, okay, I can do that."
Mm-hmm.

I will wake him up
in the middle of the night,
Mm-hmm.

duct-tape his mouth,
steal his dog,

punch him in the face.

'Cause you're a nice person.
Yes.

And send a ransom note,
and arrange a drop-off,

and of course,
guess who shows up early.

Buddy.
Yeah.

That's fine with me,

because I can handle unorthodox.

Yeah.
Obviously I can,
it's kind of like who I am.

Right, you're not religious.
But he should know this:

it's too far.

You deserve better, BJ.

Oh, I know.
I mean, you're awesome.

I know.
Yeah.

And Buddy's a fool.

Honestly, like...
Thank you, Ben.

Yeah.
You're really great,
too, as well.

Nah.
Vera doesn't deserve you.

To us.
To us.

Right?

(sighing):
Oh, my God.

Shh.

Rest now, my angel.

The world you once
knew no longer exists.

Too much?
Just...

Yeah.
Yeah.

Okay, look, let's
not panic, okay?

These things happen.

Right?

On the bright side,
no one's injured.

No one can ever
know about this.
Okay.

I really-- I couldn't
cope with the shame.

Just...

It wasn't that bad.

It was worse, Ben,
because it was

actually really good.

Why, thank you.

For someone

so asexual,

you are very sexual.

That thing that you did
the third time...

Oh, yeah.
(scoffs)

Yeah, that.
Where did that come from?

That was fun. Yeah.
That was... incredible.

I could tell you
really liked that.

Yeah, I did.
I mean... yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

With the stroller, right?

No, no. That, I was...
No, I was faking that.

The other thing.
With the space heater.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was very creative.
Yeah.

Bravo. Yeah.
Thank you.

What a shocker.

'Cause the first
two times were so...

awful.

You know?
Right.

I don't know what happened.
You were so committed, I think.
Right. Yeah.

You just kept
plugging away, Ben.

Well, I mean,
I'm a plugger.

Good for you.
Yeah, well, you know...

And it worked because...

there I was...

staring up
at the ceiling...

thinking, "Is this ever
going to end?"
Right.

And suddenly I was
enjoying myself.

Yeah. Uh-huh. I don't
like to go halfway.

You've got a lot
of stamina.
Yeah. Well, I
mean, I work out a ton.

Yeah. Yeah, you're
very strong.
Clearly. Yeah.

But you've then got
this weak face.
Right.

So it's very confusing.
You're not hideous.
Okay.

But you're definitely
not attractive.
Right. Right.

But I hardly noticed
your face, Ben.

Okay. Good.
Yeah, the first few times,

it was really distracting.
Right. Right.

But then it was
just a blur.

And I never thought
I'd be able to say that.

I forgot you had
that face.

You know what it's like? It's
like you're this clapped-out

old pony, ready to be
put down, and suddenly

you get on the race course,
and... you're a stallion.

Right.

But you're a donkey.
Right.

I have a donkey next to me.

Where did the stallion go?

You would never think it.
Maybe we talk about
this another time.

Or not. Let's not
ever talk about it.
Okay. Okay. Okay.

'Cause this never happened.
Yeah.
It never happened.
I won't tell anybody.

Maddie, I'm going out
to the garage to do laundry...

Kate.

Hi.

I am in a relationship with
a girl that I don't even know.

Lila and I are different.
Like, scary different.

I'm a summer person.
She loves winter, okay?

I believe that aliens
will someday arrive

and share their technology.

She believes
that they will befriend us

but then ultimately
enslave us.

It's like we don't
even know each other.
Whoa.

Just chill. It's totally fine.

Tommy, the only thing
that matters

is that you're having fun.

What's going on with you?

What is this?
Nothing. Just having
a super good day.

Things are going really
well with college.

Things are going especially well
with my professor Greg.

I can call him Greg

because...
things are going well.

You're dating your professor?
Is that a good idea?

It's just casual. It's not like
a... like a thing, you know.

It's totally fine. Sometimes
we like to kiss in bookstores.

No big deal. It's, like,
super romantic, but whatever.

Sometimes we like to
chitchat on the phone,

you know? I'm gonna call him.
I'm gonna call him right now.

No big deal.

* Just calling him
up on my phone. *

Hi! Uh-huh. Cool.

Okay.

(phone beeps off)

That was his wife.
What?

He has a wife
that he hasn't told me about,

which I talked to on
the phone just now.

Oh, my God.

She said that she had
read my text messages

that I sent him. Those may
or may not have been

a little bit dirty sometimes.

I didn't ever... I never meant
to kiss somebody else's husband.

Oh, my God. Tommy,
what do I do?

Kate, relax, okay?
Let's just think about this.

Why did I ask you that question?
You-you are dating a stranger,

and you are in a doomed
relationship. I am calling BJ.

I am? (gasps)
Oh, my God. I am.

I've got to talk to Lila.
Maybe this relationship

is a mistake.
Maybe I need to...
Shh.

(ringtone playing in distance)

Do you hear that?
Yeah, what...

(ringtone playing)

Morning, Kate.

No, I'm nowhere near the house.

I'm...

watching a unicorn
pleasure himself.

At... the movies.
(door opens)

(gasps)

Oh...

What is happening?

Oh, my God.

What is going on?

Uh, okay. Don't freak out, Kate.

Um, this is...

exactly what it looks like.
Yeah, it is.

It was bound to happen.
What?

Two attractive people,
both in their sexual primes.

Well, that's... very kind
of you. Thank you.
Yeah, thank you, Tommy.

What are you thinking?
You're my best friend.

You are my brother.
You guys can't do that!

Also, you are both

in relationships.

Buddy cheated on me.
Vera called me a girl.

And I'm learning all these new
terrifying things about Lila.

This isn't about you.
That doesn't feel
like the same...

That sounds traumatic,
Tommy, poor old you.
Yeah, it's not even...

'Cause we're all dealing
with relationships.

KATE:
Look, I'm sorry that

people are hurting you guys,
but is this the answer?

Does anybody have
any restraint

anywhere in the world?
Because God knows I don't.

What are you talking about?

She just found out
that the professor she's dating

is married.

Married.

You... What happened

to not getting involved
with guys at school?

I guess I just couldn't
resist ruining college again.

Don't be so hard
on yourself, okay?
Yeah.

Can you guys not sit
so close together?

It's making me
uncomfortable.

Your naked elbows
are touching.

Can you just separate
a little bit?

(sighs)
Hey.

What's up?
(chuckles)
You know what's up.

We're standing right here.

Oh, pretty judge-y
for a home wrecker.

I didn't wreck a home-- I just
made out with it a few times.

And I sent it

a few PG-13
text messages.

The Sixth Sense
was rated PG-13,

and that destroyed me.

I'm never gonna be

able to show my face
in that school

ever again.
BEN:
Kate,

you don't need to bend over
backwards to avoid this.

(quietly):
"Bend over backwards."

I know. I know. I thought
the exact same thing
Did you?

as soon as it came
out of my mouth.

It was, like, in my head.
I was like...

Sorry, it's a private joke.

Oh, my God! Okay. I
will go back to college

if that means that I don't
have to deal with you guys.

I'm not looking forward
to talking to Lila.

I guess I'm gonna
have to tell Buddy.

Vera'll be fine.
She made it very clear

that she wants things
to be kept casual.

Nobody treats Vera Everson
that way! Do you hear me?

You are dead in this town, Fox!
You hear me?! Dead!

Okay, sounds good! Great!

Never forget you'll always be
part of my sexual family!

(BJ's ringtone playing)

Enough!
God.

Hey, little girl.
You want some beads?

Hey, Buddy,

I had sex with Ben 'cause you
had sex with your ex-wife, okay?

So we're done.

Done?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, well...

not for nothing...

did you record that?

'Cause I would really like
to take a look at it.

HD, if possible.

How do you want to say good-bye?

Let's say good-bye
the usual way.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.
This. And some of that.

Yeah. It was so nice
to meet you both.
There you go. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're in the airport now,
There we go.

and I'm screening you.
(imitates metal detector)
Yeah, yeah. There we are.

It's too dark.
Can you get better light?
Yeah, all right.

There it is.
I'm gonna miss you most of all.
There we go. Okay?

So which would then lead us
to the question

of...

...how we deal with...

how we deal
with ethical dilemmas.

I'm sorry.

I meant that as more of a...

rhetorical question.

Yeah, I have
an ethical dilemma though.

What do you do

if, through no fault
of your own,

you end up as a participant
in an unethical situation?

Well, I would say, um...
Also,

because hypothetically someone
wasn't wearing a wedding ring,

and somebody else did not know
that they were married.

Right. Um...

well, then I would say
it is, uh...

it's up to the person
who is at fault

to deal with the fallout
of his or her actions.

His.
Hypothetically,

His.
his a... his.

His.

His fault.

Great.

Thank you so much.

That's exactly the answer
I was looking for.

Continue.

BJ (groans):
Would you look at us,
all single and pathetic.

(chuckles)
I don't feel pathetic at all.

I actually feel really great.

Yeah. Weirdly,
so do I.

Now I'm on my own
and unemployed,

and that's usually exactly
when great things happen for me.

You're always unemployed.

Mm-hmm.
Aw, that's really
great for you both.

Really happy for you.
I guess it's... just me.

Maddie, where's my wine?!

Beej, maybe you should have
your boyfriend-lover go get it.
Shut up.

Kate, that's not cool.
And besides,
I think it's cool.

she's not my lover;
she's my wife.

Thank you.
Some respect, please.

Honestly.
BJ:
Yeah. Finally.

D-Don't spill it. I need
all of it in me, thank you.

(door shuts)
TOMMY:
Hey, guys.

Hi, dude.
Hey, man.
Mmm!

I had a pretty big talk
with Lila.

Oh, man. Come sit down.
Oh,

babe.
There's plenty of room for one
more pathetic single person

on this couch.

You guys... we got engaged.

What?!
Oh, my God!
What?!

I'm getting married!
I can be the bride!

Best news.
Congratulations.

We're very happy
for you.
We need some more wine.

Dude, that's awesome!
Oh, man.

(chuckling):
I got to get out
of this wedding.

(overlapping chatter)

God, it went on and on and...

I was so not...
into it. Like,

disgusted.

Freaky.

Disturbing.

Terrible.

Awful.

Weird.

Really bad.

So I was like,
"What's going on?!

"Who is this person?"
Right, 'cause... yeah.

"What is happening?"
It was so weird.
Right.

You'd never have
expected it.
(chuckles)
Yeah. 'Cause of...

Yeah. Right. Yeah.
'Cause of your face.

And your personality.

Right. Right. Right.