Original subtitles

BEN: Oh...

College, huh?

The big "C."

People don't say that.

C-town.

No.

"C" word.

That means something completely different.

Yeah, it sounded bad when it came out of my mouth.

Why did you quit college the first time?

Was it because of me?

No, babe.

No. No.

You guys, uh, picking some classes there? Yeah,

but the only classes we can possibly take together

are conversational French and ethics.

BEN: Ugh.

Ethics? Come on, give me a break.

What do you know about ethics?

There's not much to know.

I raised myself right,

and my moral compass always points due north.

Orphan steals bread.

I let him get away with it,

as long as it's not hurting others.

You two are both bitten

by snakes, but I only have one antidote,

I give it to Maddie.

Sorry, Kate, but children are our future.

Somebody gives me a time machine.

I don't use it. You know why?

My name's not God.

(makes shooting noises)

* Wake up, look around

* There's a feeling today

* Fall down, get up again

* Get in the game

* Hey, hey, hey

* We're all here anyway.

I had no idea your girlfriend was such a handywoman.

Neither did I.

She's full of surprises,

like a sexy, blonde piñata.

Hey, uh, speaking of

surprises, so it's Vera and I's two-month anniversary.

Mm-hmm. Now, the traditional gift

is a handmade card written at the last minute.

You know, maybe with some sex coupons thrown in.

Right. But I really want to do something more romantic.

Why don't you take her on a sunset cruise around the harbor?

Boats? I hate boats.

Boats are the worst. Really?

I had no idea you felt so strongly

and so negatively about boats.

They remind of Florida.

Which really bums me out.

You hate Florida, too? (chuckles)

But it's the Sunshine State.

You don't hate sunshine, do you? (both laugh)

Eh...

(continues laughing)

What?

Look at all these young men.

Oh, these young,

virile men.

It's not...

BJ: How about pulling an all-nighter with him?

KATE: No, no, no. Not doing that.

The first time that I was in college,

I focused on all the wrong things,

and by "things," I mean boys,

and by "boys," I mean Tyler, and...

six months later I was a dropout.

So I'm not gonna let history repeat itself, okay?

He's looking at you.

MAN: Hello, everyone,

and welcome to

Ethics 101.

Ethics is the foundation

of everything we do as active

participants in a society. See?

Bet you wouldn't mind actively

participating in his society.

Stop it. That... I'm trying to pay attention.

Kate, we are in college.

This is the inspiration for college-themed pornography.

Look, now I'm stuck in a relationship

with Buddy, I need to vicariously live through you.

As long as you're willing to vicariously highlight

some textbook passages, then, great.

I'd like to see you vicariously

highlight his passage.

No, I... Yeah. Think about it.

See, that either that didn't make any sense

It did. at all, or it's

extremely dirty.

Okay, uh... Good one.

Ew. I'm sorry, ladies.

You two are speaking at full voice.

Exactly. Uh-uh.

To demonstrate an ethical quandary.

Class dismissed.

Okay. Champagne...

flowers...

Ben.

Hey.

What is all this?

This, my dear,

is for our anniversary.

To a wonderful

two months.

(Vera laughs)

What are we, teenagers?

We don't have

to celebrate this kind of thing.

And what are you wearing?

Uh, it's the shirt

from the day we met.

I am embarrassed to say

that I don't remember what you were wearing,

but that-- it speaks

to an underlying narcissism on my part, but...

I-I-I just had no idea you were taking this so seriously.

What do you mean?

I-I just thought it was

more of a, you know, a casual kind of a thing.

Casual?

What, like I'm a restaurant that you can wear jeans to,

or like I'm a word that you're

too lazy to finish, you know, like "totes" or "whatevs."

'Cause that's ridic.

MAN: Vera?

We need you. Coming.

Ben.

We'll talk later.

Hey, nice flowers.

My girlfriend gave them to me. (laughs)

What?

Whatev!

PROFESSOR: But in ethics,

(snores) we're taking a step back

to reflect on morality. Okay.

Okay.

I'm right in the middle of a lecture,

but it seems like a totally natural time to get up

and leave, uh, but I'd like to quickly invite

all of you to a reading that I'm doing at the

campus bookstore this evening.

I know you're all very busy,

but please feel free to stop by.

Hey.

Hi.

College. Pretty crazy, huh?

Yeah, it's like... totally crazy.

You want to maybe get together tonight?

Talk about how crazy

it is? No.

I don't.

Um... I can't.

Why not?

I'm, like, super into college,

and stuff, which is why I'm

going to that reading tonight,

so I can't. The bookstore? My bookstore? To the reading?

I mean, you know, happens all the time.

There's... there's always people,

students at the reading, it's...

packed house.

Yeah, so I have to go there. Bye.

What's crazy is, it all comes back

to that one question, you know?

Can-can something be good if it's not good for everyone?

Yeah, and who decides?

Right, right, and then you add religion into the mix,

not to mention government and tyranny, despotism... Ah!

Despots, I hate despots.

Despots are the worst.

And war. War.

Yeah. Exactly.

This is the most interesting

conversation I've had in a very long time.

But to be fair,

I do work at a bar named after a dog,

so... (chuckles)

Well, this is a real treat for me, too.

Most undergrads aren't

this engaged and interesting.

They... they're

usually more like this guy over there.

KATE: What, is he stealing the rosé?

PROFESSOR: I don't know.

Doesn't he know that that's free?

I mean, come on.

Look at him, he's young, you know?

God knows I didn't do college right the first time.

Yeah, me neither, but

honestly, I've been thinking about what I've missed out on

for the past seven years, and...

it's this.

It's all of this.

It's talking about ideas

and-and having real conversations

that mean something,

and that anything can happen.

You are...

you're my professor.

Mm-hmm.

Is this ethical?

Don't overthink it.

(quietly): Okay.

BJ,

I am in a relationship with a total stranger.

No...

Is that her

over there?

Does Lila know?

That is Lila.

God, you've got a type, haven't you?

What do you mean, this is...

That's Lila. That's Lila.

Yeah, I know.

She looks like the other girl

Lila you're dating.

Other... there's no... Oh, Tommy,

I'm really sorry, I've got to take this.

It's Buddy, he likes to video chat

when we've been apart for too long.

Oh, that's sweet.

Sometimes he even points the camera at his face.

Okay, I'm gonna go. Okay.

(ringtone plays)

Hi.

Hey, Beej, what's going on?

Just working.

What's up with you?

Why are you so sweaty, huh?

Uh, mm, I had sex with my ex-wife.

(laughs)

Shut up.

Yeah. Twice.

But it's not my fault.

I came by the house and she was selling all my stuff.

And guess what.

She sold my nude self-portrait for a dollar.

Yeah.

So I got mad, and we got into a fight,

and you know how crazy I get fighting with women, and...

Yeah, that's... yeah.

That's fine.

You're not mad?

No, it's...

whatever, it's totally fine because...

we're not married, so whatever.

Wow.

Wow, God.

You're great.

MAN (over TV): ...accept me, or you don't... (door closes)

WOMAN (over TV): I love you. Where's Kate?

I need to talk to her.

Have you been crying?

No.

Have you been watching

romantic comedies like a girl?

(scoffs) No, I don't...

this was just on, I don't even know where

the remote is. Right.

It's a TV movie

called The Garden Inside of Us.

Oh. It's about this...

this lovely horticulturist,

and she can

grow flowers, like, all over the world.

Just these beautiful, beautiful roses,

but...

nothing grows in here.

So, that's the...

Boy, maybe Vera has a point.

What happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

Fine.

What do you need Kate for?

I don't want to talk about it.

Vera basically called me a girl.

Buddy slept with another woman.

Hello, professor. Ms. Fox.

What brings you off campus?

I figured I'd check in on my favorite student,

maybe drop off a little required reading material.

Oh, really?

Well, I have some material

that you're required to read...

Oh, that's a real book.

Yes. (chuckles)

I can't believe Buddy did that.

Vera's no better, Ben.

No, I mean...

I mean, wha-- who does she think she is?

I don't know, and it's always on her terms.

Right, obviously. That's the thing, you know?

Yeah. It's like, she calls,

and it's like, "Oh, Ben, ride over to my house.

"You know, come over at, like, 2:00 in the morning,

get on your bike and just come over." Oh, please. No.

And I'm like, "Why should I get on my bike? Yeah.

I have a car," you know. Yeah.

And she's like, "'Cause I want you all hot and sweaty."

You know, and, it's like, I get it, like, I'm ripped, Uh-huh.

and when I'm sweaty, like, I look fantastic, but it's, like, Mm-hmm.

still, it's, like, I have to go through

a really bad neighborhood to get to her, you know? Right. Yeah.

And she's like, "Well, I want the smell of fear on you."

And it's, like, I get it, you know?

It's, like, I'm incredibly attractive when I'm, like,

Yeah. terrified, but still, it's like, come on.

I put my heart out there,

and then she just stomps all over it.

It's kind of like with me and Buddy, Yeah,

how he's always saying to me

how he wants this pansexual relationship.

Pansexual, like, I don't even get,

I don't even understand what that is,

Yeah. so I totally get it.

Yeah, and I'm like,

"Fine, okay, I can do that." Mm-hmm.

I will wake him up in the middle of the night, Mm-hmm.

duct-tape his mouth, steal his dog,

punch him in the face.

'Cause you're a nice person. Yes.

And send a ransom note, and arrange a drop-off,

and of course, guess who shows up early.

Buddy. Yeah.

That's fine with me,

because I can handle unorthodox.

Yeah. Obviously I can, it's kind of like who I am.

Right, you're not religious. But he should know this:

it's too far.

You deserve better, BJ.

Oh, I know. I mean, you're awesome.

I know. Yeah.

And Buddy's a fool.

Honestly, like... Thank you, Ben.

Yeah. You're really great, too, as well.

Nah. Vera doesn't deserve you.

To us. To us.

Right?

(sighing): Oh, my God.

Shh.

Rest now, my angel.

The world you once knew no longer exists.

Too much? Just...

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, look, let's not panic, okay?

These things happen.

Right?

On the bright side, no one's injured.

No one can ever know about this. Okay.

I really-- I couldn't cope with the shame.

Just...

It wasn't that bad.

It was worse, Ben, because it was

actually really good.

Why, thank you.

For someone

so asexual,

you are very sexual.

That thing that you did the third time...

Oh, yeah. (scoffs)

Yeah, that. Where did that come from?

That was fun. Yeah. That was... incredible.

I could tell you really liked that.

Yeah, I did. I mean... yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

With the stroller, right?

No, no. That, I was... No, I was faking that.

The other thing. With the space heater.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was very creative. Yeah.

Bravo. Yeah. Thank you.

What a shocker.

'Cause the first two times were so...

awful.

You know? Right.

I don't know what happened. You were so committed, I think. Right. Yeah.

You just kept plugging away, Ben.

Well, I mean, I'm a plugger.

Good for you. Yeah, well, you know...

And it worked because...

there I was...

staring up at the ceiling...

thinking, "Is this ever going to end?" Right.

And suddenly I was enjoying myself.

Yeah. Uh-huh. I don't like to go halfway.

You've got a lot of stamina. Yeah. Well, I mean, I work out a ton.

Yeah. Yeah, you're very strong. Clearly. Yeah.

But you've then got this weak face. Right.

So it's very confusing. You're not hideous. Okay.

But you're definitely not attractive. Right. Right.

But I hardly noticed your face, Ben.

Okay. Good. Yeah, the first few times,

it was really distracting. Right. Right.

But then it was just a blur.

And I never thought I'd be able to say that.

I forgot you had that face.

You know what it's like? It's like you're this clapped-out

old pony, ready to be put down, and suddenly

you get on the race course, and... you're a stallion.

Right.

But you're a donkey. Right.

I have a donkey next to me.

Where did the stallion go?

You would never think it. Maybe we talk about this another time.

Or not. Let's not ever talk about it. Okay. Okay. Okay.

'Cause this never happened. Yeah. It never happened. I won't tell anybody.

Maddie, I'm going out to the garage to do laundry...

Kate.

Hi.

I am in a relationship with a girl that I don't even know.

Lila and I are different. Like, scary different.

I'm a summer person. She loves winter, okay?

I believe that aliens will someday arrive

and share their technology.

She believes that they will befriend us

but then ultimately enslave us.

It's like we don't even know each other. Whoa.

Just chill. It's totally fine.

Tommy, the only thing that matters

is that you're having fun.

What's going on with you?

What is this? Nothing. Just having a super good day.

Things are going really well with college.

Things are going especially well with my professor Greg.

I can call him Greg

because... things are going well.

You're dating your professor? Is that a good idea?

It's just casual. It's not like a... like a thing, you know.

It's totally fine. Sometimes we like to kiss in bookstores.

No big deal. It's, like, super romantic, but whatever.

Sometimes we like to chitchat on the phone,

you know? I'm gonna call him. I'm gonna call him right now.

No big deal.

* Just calling him up on my phone. *

Hi! Uh-huh. Cool.

Okay.

(phone beeps off)

That was his wife. What?

He has a wife that he hasn't told me about,

which I talked to on the phone just now.

Oh, my God.

She said that she had read my text messages

that I sent him. Those may or may not have been

a little bit dirty sometimes.

I didn't ever... I never meant to kiss somebody else's husband.

Oh, my God. Tommy, what do I do?

Kate, relax, okay? Let's just think about this.

Why did I ask you that question? You-you are dating a stranger,

and you are in a doomed relationship. I am calling BJ.

I am? (gasps) Oh, my God. I am.

I've got to talk to Lila. Maybe this relationship

is a mistake. Maybe I need to... Shh.

(ringtone playing in distance)

Do you hear that? Yeah, what...

(ringtone playing)

Morning, Kate.

No, I'm nowhere near the house.

I'm...

watching a unicorn pleasure himself.

At... the movies. (door opens)

(gasps)

Oh...

What is happening?

Oh, my God.

What is going on?

Uh, okay. Don't freak out, Kate.

Um, this is...

exactly what it looks like. Yeah, it is.

It was bound to happen. What?

Two attractive people, both in their sexual primes.

Well, that's... very kind of you. Thank you. Yeah, thank you, Tommy.

What are you thinking? You're my best friend.

You are my brother. You guys can't do that!

Also, you are both

in relationships.

Buddy cheated on me. Vera called me a girl.

And I'm learning all these new terrifying things about Lila.

This isn't about you. That doesn't feel like the same...

That sounds traumatic, Tommy, poor old you. Yeah, it's not even...

'Cause we're all dealing with relationships.

KATE: Look, I'm sorry that

people are hurting you guys, but is this the answer?

Does anybody have any restraint

anywhere in the world? Because God knows I don't.

What are you talking about?

She just found out that the professor she's dating

is married.

Married.

You... What happened

to not getting involved with guys at school?

I guess I just couldn't resist ruining college again.

Don't be so hard on yourself, okay? Yeah.

Can you guys not sit so close together?

It's making me uncomfortable.

Your naked elbows are touching.

Can you just separate a little bit?

(sighs) Hey.

What's up? (chuckles) You know what's up.

We're standing right here.

Oh, pretty judge-y for a home wrecker.

I didn't wreck a home-- I just made out with it a few times.

And I sent it

a few PG-13 text messages.

The Sixth Sense was rated PG-13,

and that destroyed me.

I'm never gonna be

able to show my face in that school

ever again. BEN: Kate,

you don't need to bend over backwards to avoid this.

(quietly): "Bend over backwards."

I know. I know. I thought the exact same thing Did you?

as soon as it came out of my mouth.

It was, like, in my head. I was like...

Sorry, it's a private joke.

Oh, my God! Okay. I will go back to college

if that means that I don't have to deal with you guys.

I'm not looking forward to talking to Lila.

I guess I'm gonna have to tell Buddy.

Vera'll be fine. She made it very clear

that she wants things to be kept casual.

Nobody treats Vera Everson that way! Do you hear me?

You are dead in this town, Fox! You hear me?! Dead!

Okay, sounds good! Great!

Never forget you'll always be part of my sexual family!

(BJ's ringtone playing)

Enough! God.

Hey, little girl. You want some beads?

Hey, Buddy,

I had sex with Ben 'cause you had sex with your ex-wife, okay?

So we're done.

Done?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, well...

not for nothing...

did you record that?

'Cause I would really like to take a look at it.

HD, if possible.

How do you want to say good-bye?

Let's say good-bye the usual way.

Parting is such sweet sorrow. This. And some of that.

Yeah. It was so nice to meet you both. There you go. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're in the airport now, There we go.

and I'm screening you. (imitates metal detector) Yeah, yeah. There we are.

It's too dark. Can you get better light? Yeah, all right.

There it is. I'm gonna miss you most of all. There we go. Okay?

So which would then lead us to the question

of...

...how we deal with...

how we deal with ethical dilemmas.

I'm sorry.

I meant that as more of a...

rhetorical question.

Yeah, I have an ethical dilemma though.

What do you do

if, through no fault of your own,

you end up as a participant in an unethical situation?

Well, I would say, um... Also,

because hypothetically someone wasn't wearing a wedding ring,

and somebody else did not know that they were married.

Right. Um...

well, then I would say it is, uh...

it's up to the person who is at fault

to deal with the fallout of his or her actions.

His. Hypothetically,

His. his a... his.

His.

His fault.

Great.

Thank you so much.

That's exactly the answer I was looking for.

Continue.

BJ (groans): Would you look at us, all single and pathetic.

(chuckles) I don't feel pathetic at all.

I actually feel really great.

Yeah. Weirdly, so do I.

Now I'm on my own and unemployed,

and that's usually exactly when great things happen for me.

You're always unemployed.

Mm-hmm. Aw, that's really great for you both.

Really happy for you. I guess it's... just me.

Maddie, where's my wine?!

Beej, maybe you should have your boyfriend-lover go get it. Shut up.

Kate, that's not cool. And besides, I think it's cool.

she's not my lover; she's my wife.

Thank you. Some respect, please.

Honestly. BJ: Yeah. Finally.

D-Don't spill it. I need all of it in me, thank you.

(door shuts) TOMMY: Hey, guys.

Hi, dude. Hey, man. Mmm!

I had a pretty big talk with Lila.

Oh, man. Come sit down. Oh,

babe. There's plenty of room for one more pathetic single person

on this couch.

You guys... we got engaged.

What?! Oh, my God! What?!

I'm getting married! I can be the bride!

Best news. Congratulations.

We're very happy for you. We need some more wine.

Dude, that's awesome! Oh, man.

(chuckling): I got to get out of this wedding.

(overlapping chatter)

God, it went on and on and...

I was so not... into it. Like,

disgusted.

Freaky.

Disturbing.

Terrible.

Awful.

Weird.

Really bad.

So I was like, "What's going on?!

"Who is this person?" Right, 'cause... yeah.

"What is happening?" It was so weird. Right.

You'd never have expected it. (chuckles) Yeah. 'Cause of...

Yeah. Right. Yeah. 'Cause of your face.

And your personality.

Right. Right. Right.