Original subtitles

Ah, go for it. It's on me.

Dave, it's costing you, like,

20 grand to teach me how to golf.

I'm worth $50.3 billion.

I've spent more on a, on an endangered parrot sandwich.

Go on.

(chimes)

So remember, head down.

NATHAN: Head down, okay.

Ooh.

That felt nice.

A majestic arc to that one. A pleasure to behold.

Ah, beginner's luck.

Don't you ever get bored of this?

(chuckling): Me, bored? No.

You got to understand, Nate, I lived a life of purpose,

so now this is my reward.

-Okay. -Yeah.

So get me an Arnold Palmer.

Certainly, sir.

-Arnold. -Hello, Choak.

Watch this, you piece of shit.

♪ ♪

And then, out of nowhere,

he just tackles the Arnold Palmer bot.

Supposedly, the real Arnold cockblocked him for years

when they lived together on a nudist commune in 1973.

I know. I-Ivan, your night angel,

showed me some spicy memory files of Choak,

which I'm pretty sure he stole and sold.

(sighing): Oh, God.

Choak lived this full life, you know?

It made me think it might be nice to be old and smug one day,

but I don't have anything to be smug about.

Just wish I could keep working.

Uh, you're not allowed.

Yeah, life's tough enough

without uploads driving down wages for us meat folks.

I know,

but they called me a barista at my funeral.

Yeah?

Well, that's not me, okay?

I-I can contribute more than that.

I'll see you.

Hey, I want to show you something.

(elevator bell dings)

2Gigs please.

(groans) Oh, God.

(elevator bell dings)

What is this place?

Lakeview's lowest class of upload.

-This is where the 2Gigs live. -2Gigs?

Yeah, they only get two gigs of data a month,

and once they run out,

they can't afford anything.

NORA: Things included in your level of service--

your shower, your view of the lake--

they don't have.

Lean Cuisine sponsors the cafeteria

to try new recipes.

"Today's Special: Fiesta Jalapeño Creamed Meat."

-Yikes. -(sighs)

What is this? It's only the first five pages.

Yup, the free sample.

If they want to read the whole book, they have to pay extra.

NATHAN: Oh, hey, love Harry Potter.

All the magic's so cool.

There's magic in Harry Potter?

He's frozen until next month,

unless someone adds to his account,

but most of them don't have money of their own.

They don't even get the basic sweat suit

included in the plan.

Whoa.

Wait.

He doesn't have a penis.

Yeah, it must be the end of his month.

NATHAN: Oh, man,

he's making clothes out of Lean Cuisine boxes.

No, that's not...

-Oh. -Okay.

That's actually kind of impressive,

but Horizen should just give

anybody a penis, or clothing, or-or an entire book.

I mean, it's just code.

Well, they want people to pay for upgrades.

It's called capitalism.

(sighs)

NATHAN: Look at this.

This is terrible.

-These people don't deserve this. -(music swelling)

-I know. -Nobody deserves this.

Somebody should do something.

Wait, where's that music coming from?

Oh, uh, I don't know.

-(music stops) -That's...

...weird.

Anyway, Nathan, you were saying?

Maybe my purpose is to help the 2Gigs.

(phone ringing)

I could give them some of my breakfast.

It's unlimited.

You know, I'll just need some bigger pockets.

-I could... -Babe, where are you?

The Vogue interviewer is gonna be here any minute.

Is this dress okay?

I wanted to show off my shoulder blades.

I just got them sharpened.

Oh, my God, did he go too sharp?

He said they were gonna soften up a bit,

but I think they're too sharp.

Shit. Just hurry up, okay?

(sighs) I completely forgot.

Ingrid and I have this interview about modern love.

I will be back. I'll see you soon.

Yeah, no. No worries. I totally get it. Have-have fun.

He should be here any minute.

Well, not here here, but you know.

So, for the article, I wanted to refer to relationships

between bios and uploads as

"the ultimate long-distance relationship."

Oh, my God, totally. That's exactly what it's like.

-(phone ringing) -Oh, here he is.

(couch rips)

That was, that was just a fart.

(chuckles) Sorry.

-Hi, baby. -Hey, hey.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

Hi, Nathan. So Ingrid and I were just

talking about what it's like to go from being

a regular old bio couple to one that lives

on two different planes of existence.

Oh, well, I'm not sure we ever really lived

on the same plane of existence. (chuckles)

It was a joke.

Oh, no, that's funny.

No-- Don't put that in. Thank you.

I mean, you should've seen him.

He was moved by the 2Gigs.

I mean, it was so cute.

Ugh, that place is too depressing for me.

But that's nice, your little play boyfriend wants to help.

-What'd he do? -He had to leave.

Uh, his girlfriend called. (sighs)

Uh, they had something planned, I guess.

That is right. Your boyfriend already has a girlfriend.

So I guess it's her job to worry about his life's purpose,

and it's your job to worry about keeping the heat on

-in your apartment. -I know.

Stop worrying about this guy and keep your mind on your work.

(chuckles): And clean up that old dude's unibrow.

Clean it up or fill it in?

(laughs) Wait. No.

Slide it down.

(laughter)

Ooh...

So, Nathan, since you were uploaded,

how has your relationship changed?

Well, honestly, it just got me thinking a lot

about life and what's really important to me.

Yeah? But our relationship hasn't changed at all.

We still talk every day. Even twice a day, sometimes.

Yeah. I mean, we still talk, but it's definitely

changed the relationship.

I mean, now she literally owns me.

-(scoffs) -Really?

Uh, that-- that's not what it sounds like.

(chuckles) Nathan didn't have an upload plan

at the time of his accident, so it was the only option.

And now it's just easier for all of our stuff

to be in the same place, you know?

Like, uh, couples that share an e-mail account,

the ultimate trust.

Aw, that's adorbs.

Let's talk about something more fun.

How's the sex?

Ah, well, we haven't tried it.

Yet. We haven't tried it yet.

We were just waiting for him to get adjusted.

Oh, I'm sorry. You were waiting for me?

'Cause I thought you said the suit was so gross.

Well, that suit looked gross

because a newer model's coming out, so...

(laughs) we were just, we were waiting for the new suit.

(clears throat)

Speaking of sex, would you like to watch one of our sex tapes?

My dad got Ang Lee to edit the body cam footage

from our first night together.

I would absolutely love that.

(chuckles) Okay. They're on my office computer.

All right, good talk.

(laughs softly)

-Angel? -Hey.

-Hey. -You okay?

No.

I was gonna lie, but you probably have

some kind of, like, truth detector button or something.

Well, I don't.

Yeah, of course not.

That's crazy. I knew that.

Mm, no, you didn't.

-My button says you're lying. -Stop it. Is there a button?

(laughs): Yeah, no. That would be, like, really intrusive.

(chuckles)

Maybe my boss has one, though.

I don't know. She can be a real nightmare.

In your experience, do relationships

between uploads and, uh, real people ever work?

You're a real person.

Yeah, uh, living people.

Sure. Sometimes.

I mean, they're hard, but maybe that makes them more worthwhile?

I always root for them.

Sounds corny, I know.

No, it's not.

It's nice.

Ingrid and I, we always had

that physical thing we could fall back on.

You know? But without it, it just kind of feels like

we're brother and sister?

If I didn't really like my sister.

(chuckles) Well, you know you can still have

a physical relationship as an upload, right?

Yeah, with the sex suit.

The hug suit.

Some people use it to hug their kids.

Mm-hmm. When's the last time an adult called it a hug suit?

The commercial.

(both laugh)

Ingrid was grossed out by it,

but now it sounds like she might want to try it.

It's just, now that I've seen how things are

without the physical, not sure I want her to.

Well, it's late.

You should get some sleep, and I got to clock out.

(exhales)

Hey, um...

You want to go back and see the 2Gigs tomorrow?

NORA: Okay.

Good night, Nathan.

Good night, Nora.

(exhales)

(birds chirping)

Oh, the Vogue interview with you and Ingrid just dropped.

Oh, how's it look?

It's... intense.

Looks like she's wound even tighter than she was

at the funeral.

What's going on with that cat?

(sighs)

ALL (chanting): Do not end the fight,

upload is a human right!

-Do not end the fight, -Yes.

-upload is a human right! -Yes!

-(Nora laughs) -(chanting continues)

♪ ♪

(knocking)

-Ingrid. -Hey.

Hi.

-Uh, I was just... -Shh.

(whispering): I'm wearing the sex suit,

and nothing else.

Uh...

-Hey, hey, hey, um... -(giggles)

Could we talk for a second?

I need this. I'm...

Baby, I miss our intimacy. I...

-Ing. Hold on. -No, no, I...

I don't feel like we have our old connection,

and that's on me.

I'm sorry.

But there's no more interviews now.

Okay? It's just us.

Nora! You're just in time.

Nathan's hot-as-balls girlfriend

just surprised him with a sex suit.

(chuckles)

Can you please move so I can clock in?

Oh, yeah. (clears throat)

(exhales)

(sighs)

(both panting)

Can you feel me?

Yeah. Actually, your feet are warm for once.

-Yeah? -Uh-huh.

Mm...

(both sigh)

Your skin, it's so... soft.

Yeah. Yours, too.

Are you ready?

-Yeah. -(whispers): Okay.

Um... what's wrong?

Hmm?

Uh... I don't know.

-Tech support! -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Well, it's got to be some sort of tech issue. Right?

-No. -Tech support!

No-no-no, no-no. No support. We're fine.

-Tech support! -We're fine. It's...

-Assistance! -No.

-Things are... -And, hon, listen...

-Things are okay. -Tech... support.

That's not how this works.

-What if I try it down here? -No. No, no, no.

-Hey! -Oh, fuck.

-Hey! Hey! -We're fine.

-Everything's fine. -We need help!

-Hey! SOS! -(beeping)

-NATHAN: No! -INGRID: Assistance!

(beeping continues)

(sighs)

(alert chimes)

I could do it.

-Go home. -Right.

You smell great, by the way, just... I'm gonna...

-Go! -I'm going. Yeah.

(alert chimes)

-Hi. -(sighs)

-You called? -Yeah. Finally.

There's some sort of tech issue happening with Nathan's dick.

Okay...

-It's not getting hard. -Thank you.

-Ah. I see. -Yeah.

We've never had this problem before.

Like, never.

And for the record, I have never

had this problem before with anyone.

So...

-it's not me. (chuckles) -(glass breaking)

Hey. Fuck. Clyde.

Clyde. Hey! (hisses)

-Hey! Stop it. -(fingers snapping)

-(clattering) -Clyde.

Hey! Hey! Hey-hey-hey-hey.

Get down! Fuck.

Hey. (hisses) Hey.

(sighs)

I'm so sorry.

Hey, it's fine.

You don't owe me an explanation.

It's your life.

Um... I guess...

we'd better fix you up

before she gets back.

(exhales)

Everything is properly connected

on our end, so I'll need to test for responsiveness

to further assist the issue.

Is that okay?

Do you feel that?

How about that?

(quietly): Yes.

INGRID: Oh, my... What is going on here?

I'm so sorry about that. My cat was being a total douche.

-(chuckles softly) -Oh.

It worked.

So I was like, "Let me test for responsiveness."

Then I literally threw a blanket over this girl's head

and felt up her boyfriend. (chuckles)

And... I put on my sexy voice, too.

You have a sexy voice?

I do.

I said it like this:

"Can you feel anything?"

And I lightly touched his chest

and we locked eyes and then, holy shit.

You turned his software into hardware?

-Oh, yeah. -Girl, and then what happened?

His girlfriend came back and then he used it on her, so...

Yep.

Dang, that's messed up. So what about your lady boner?

It's still there. Rock hard.

You know what I'm gonna say, don't you?

"Give it one more chance and see where it goes"?

Get the fuck back on Nitely.

Its algorithm is responsible for tons of real relationships.

-(groans) -The quickest way to get over a guy

is to get under a new one.

Reinstall Nitely.

Reinstall Nitely.

See? You already got a new match.

"Can I cum over?"

It's a pun.

-Look at those abs. -Those abs.

-(both laugh) -IVAN: You know, if I wrote that,

it'd be a deal breaker, right? (chuckles)

Why are you still here?

Oh, what's up, Aleesa?

-Nope. -It's Aleesha.

-Right. -Bye.

(sighs)

I'd like to speak with the manager.

The store is designed to be completely automated.

Please put your purchase on the conveyor.

Manager.

Let's see if I can help you first.

If this is a problem with a product, say "product."

If the store is on fire, say "fire."

If you are stuck in the door and the store is on fire,

say "screams."

"Human manager."

The wait to speak to a human is 300 minutes.

If the bathroom is unstocked, say "tissue paper."

If a patron is having a baby, say "miracle."

(beeps)

Is this dehydrated fruit salad or is this a queen bed?

What do you think?

Let me talk to a manager, please.

MANAGER (over speaker): Grab another bed from the rack, okay?

My name is Fran Booth.

I am a part-time private investigator,

and I need to take a look at your security camera footage

from November 24.

MANAGER: Aw, shit. Uh...

Okay. Uh, hold on.

-(woman speaking French) -(speaking French)

Follow me.

300 minutes?

(chuckles): More like 50 seconds, dummy.

(knocking on door)

-(sighs) You... -You again?

-You tricked me. -I tricked you?

Mm-hmm. See, you got a new username and picture.

I deleted the app and I had to use a different name

when I reinsta-- but you?

"Henry"? I mean, you got different dummy accounts

with different names and everything. I mean...

I mean, is this even your hot, chiseled, sweaty torso?

No.

-Fuck it. Come in. -Oh...

(both moan)

-This is so hot. -No talking today.

♪ ♪

(moans, sighs)

Mm...

Are you okay?

Yep.

Oh, okay. I thought for a second something was wrong.

(exhales) You know, it's weird.

Normally, when girls come, it sounds different.

Like, uh, not as real as you sound.

So, do I get five stars this time?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Oh, I'll do it right now.

What the hell?

Payback.

(quietly): Hey, babe.

Are you awake?

(exhales)

(squeaks)

(sighs)

Yeah, so that was totally fun.

Look, I don't know about you,

-but we should do that again sometime. -Okay, bye.

(exhales)

(keyboard clicking)

(chuckles): Oh...

Forgot to kill your boyfriend?

Careful, Ingrid.

The camera adds ten years.

In jail. (laughs)

(keyboard clicking)