Original subtitles

And you just make your own?

Seriously, James?

You've never done DIY tacos?

It's just... it's just like a buffet.

I don't do buffets.

You leave food out in the open for livestock, not people.

Wow.

Married one month, and every day,

it's like waking up with a stranger.

And?

I like waking up with a stranger.

Is there any special order?

Complete democracy.

Make it your own way.

Not that way!

- Yeah, good one. - Yeah.

Um...

Okay.

So a lot of... many people start with the tortilla,

and then you...

I'm just excited to see your next move.

No, no, don't do it.

Or what?

- I am a science teacher. I will mess you up.

- Hey! - Oh, hey, Pops.

- Hey, Jimbo! - Hey, Lolo.

I didn't think you guys were gonna make it for dinner.

Yeah, Lolo drove me to pick up the study guide

for that substitute teacher test,

and I thought, hell yeah, free food.

And she said she wanted to come here

after picking up the study guide for that substitute test.

And I also thought, hell yeah, free food.

Oh, white people tacos.

You just touched my dinner.

How am I supposed to eat it if I don't touch it first?

We always eat each other's food.

It's cute. You'll get used to it.

Or you'll starve.

It would be okay if...

maybe if I knew where your hands had been.

- Oh, I can tell you. Inside a toddler's mouth.

Ugh.

Okay, chill, it wasn't just some rando toddler.

I'm coming from my nannying job.

When did you become a nanny?

One of the parents of the kids I'm teaching to skateboard

said they needed a nanny,

and I was like, oh, I know the perfect person.

Then I recommended her instead.

It's one of the gigs I'm trying out

to figure out what I wanna do.

Cross nannying off the list, though.

Just got fired by the kid.

Hey!

Do you wanna go to the beach tomorrow?

Yeah.

Maybe I should be a lifeguard.

Hey! Hi!

Listen, did you change the lock on the front door?

'Cause, you know, I'd like to be able to barge in

and go, booya, bitches!

You just have to jiggle the key sometimes.

Why would you tell her that?

Claudia, we had a deal.

The ex has to text before she comes next.

Did it!

Oh, listen,

do you remember when I told you

that I was gonna go to therapy, and you laughed?

I wasn't laughing at you.

I was laughing at how rich your therapist is gonna get.

Well, I followed through.

And he said that I "lack any boundaries"

and I might have a wittle depwession.

No mention of your narcissism?

No.

That's for other people to deal with, not me.

Listen, he actually said he thought

it might be a good idea if the two of you

came in for a session.

You know, it would help me move on

if we could clear the air a little.

Move on.

To Arizona?

It would actually mean a lot to me if you would come.

After you cheated on me, Claudia,

I went to couples therapy with you.

And when you left the room, the therapist said, run!

And you did.

And look how happy you are.

So it works.

Jeanie?

- I do love me some therapy. - Mm-hmm.

Digging around, getting into those deeper feelings.

Hello, melancholy.

I didn't know you would be here today.

Who are you hiding?

Anger, I knew it was you!

Is it possible that your therapist

is a sock puppet on your own hand?

Okay, look.

Guys, I acknowledge that my behavior may have been,

you know, a tad unhealthy.

But this would actually help us, you know, solve all that.

I'm not crazy about the idea either,

but a lot has happened,

and she's dealing with some pretty big feelings.

You heard her. She is a wittle depwessed.

Uh, fine.

But I'm pwetty sure we're being manipuwated.

Oh, my gosh.

This orchid looks so real.

Uh-oh.

Listen...

I wanna thank you both for coming.

I think this is gonna be

really good for our relationship.

For an example, I would like to comment on your homely outfit,

but we're here to heal.

Oh, hello, everyone.

Hi, I'm Leon.

- Hi. - Thank you for coming.

I know this is a bit unusual, having the three of you,

but I want you to know that I don't charge by the person.

I don't get any funnier than that.

Claudia, where would you like to start?

Okay.

Well, I've been doing the homework you suggested

on my accountability.

- Oh, good. - Yes.

And here's where I'm at.

I'm not getting the divorce I wanted,

and it's all their fault.

Claudia, the quality of your divorce

is not in direct correlation to our connubial bliss.

Okay, nerd.

And you're wrong.

I mean, look, I had it all worked out.

James was supposed to be alone and miserable,

and I was supposed to be the one winning the divorce.

But now, they're happy!

And I'm miserable.

Claudia, what you're feeling is natural.

When someone is experiencing the loneliness of a breakup,

it seems like everyone around them is in love.

Yeah, and you're at the house all the time.

So you're seeing us and that bothers you.

Yeah, I think the solution here is simple.

Stop coming to the house.

It was my house!

I mean, why can't I find someone

and... and get married a ridiculous week later,

like these two idiots?

James, say something nice to Claudia.

After that? Why?

She's a human being.

Have you got proof?

Claudia, if it helps, yes.

We got married extraordinarily fast,

but you only saw one side of it.

There were bumps.

Yeah, there's always bumps.

Wait, bumps? I... I don't remember any bumps.

You know, let's deal with this later.

I don't think a therapist's office

is the place to talk about anything personal.

Yeah, it is.

You had to go to Norway. You came back.

We broke up because we were too different.

One bump.

And then we got married!

And that's...

Where's them bumps?

Well, I didn't have to go to Norway.

I really don't wanna leave.

Is there a chance we could pick up

where we left off when I get home?

I'll think about it.

Did anyone ever tell you you give very misleading kisses?

- Hello? - Dan?

She's amazing!

I told her I was going to Norway, but now I'm not.

I am postponing my fellowship.

I thought you had to go.

- No, it's an open offer. I can go at any time.

Our lives are so different.

Your open offer is to go to Norway.

Mine is to move in with my Aunt Rita

when things go really bad.

I don't wanna be away from Jeanie for another minute!

I think I'm in love, dude.

I'm panicking, dude.

Why are you packing?

I'm going to Norway.

I cancelled my trip, then uncancelled it.

- I don't understand. What changed your mind?

I spent one night with this incredible woman,

and then I totally lost control of all my emotions.

I packed my underwear before my socks.

That's U before S.

Okay, you're spinning out, man.

You don't have to leave the country.

She's not gonna know. - But I'll know!

I can't lie to her.

I watched my parents, two Freudian psychologists,

torture each other for 50 years.

And because of that, I didn't get married till my 40s.

And look how that turned out.

I just need to slow this thing down,

and going away will help that.

Yeah.

I mean, my dad left my mom for 20 years.

Really slowed their relationship down.

This is really tough.

She is perfect in every way.

How could you do this to me?

I only did it because she's my kid's science teacher,

and I needed to boost his grade.

I can't keep explaining what polymers are

when I have no idea what polymers are!

So you actually went to Norway to get away from me?

And Dan knew about this?

Gah!

I gave his kid an A, and the kid thinks

a polymer is when three people are in a relationship.

You have no idea how bad I felt

when you called Dan and you were so happy.

You were in the room when I called?

You heard everything I said?

After Dan turned 50,

he started taking all his calls on speaker.

Look, when I heard your voice, I wanted to stay,

but we slept together on the first date

and I was scared that if I stayed,

we'd do something even more impulsive...

matching tattoos, location sharing,

caffeine after 4:00.

What are you hearing from all of this, Claudia?

I'm hearing that Jeanie is very easy.

Claudia, let's not slut-shame.

James was easy too.

Okay, well, I'm also hearing that James had doubts.

He never had doubts with me.

Jeanie and I were love at first sight.

You and I only got married

because you told me your dad was dying.

And right now, he's playing golf at St. Andrews.

Well, I'll tell him you said hi

and that you're sorry he's not dead.

You wanna jump in here, Leon?

You're just sitting there. We're doing all the hard work.

And how do you feel about that?

Okay, so what I'm hearing

is that you were going through something.

Yeah.

I guess I was just in a totally different space.

You were so on my mind,

I... I couldn't even focus at school.

Do you know how many Carl Sagan videos

those kids had to sit through?

We made it to the end of the universe.

I couldn't focus at work either.

It freaked me out.

Good news, Professor.

I have gotten rid of the mice in your apartment,

but you may have a snake problem.

Arvid, you and I have been working together

for a while now. Can I ask you a question?

Yes, I will come to America with you.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

No, no, no, no, a different question.

How do you know if you found a woman who's your soulmate?

Does Jeanie know about this woman?

Jeanie is the woman.

After I got divorced, I was so devastated.

I promised myself I would never fall in love again.

Then I met Jeanie.

I don't trust my emotions.

How do you... how do you know that

something like this is real?

There is one way to test.

And I am hesitations to propose it

because I have already written Jeanie into my will.

But I know a woman who no man can resist.

They call her Astrid the Irresistible.

This is not her birth name.

Many men have traveled across the ends of the Earth

to test their love.

Does Astrid charge for this service?

- No. But she has a gift shop.

If you resist her, then you have found

the true love that no one can come between

and will last a lifetime.

If not, you have to buy a shot glass

and a pen that was once an antler.

- No, no. No way in hell.

Is what I should have said.

I'm afraid we are out of time.

- Oh! No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. We are not out of time.

Run a tab, Leon.

I'm doing this for you.

You must feel awful.

Then why are you smiling?

- I don't know. I'm not a therapist.

Look, I had Astrid's number.

I could have called her, but I called you instead.

And...

We talked about which Spice Girl we would be,

and I said Paprika.

And you laughed.

And that's when I knew I needed to hear that laugh in America.

I think that's a pretty positive affirmation of love.

Yeah, I think that's a pretty positive pile of horse crap.

Whose therapy is it, Leon?

Happy people or injured party?

Claudia, even though you're not hearing

what you want to hear,

they did take the time to come here,

and they're opening up, even to the point

of finding out that they have some of their own issues.

Jeanie, did you ever have any doubts on your end?

Stay out of my business, Leon.

Wait, did you?

Hmm?

This part's on me.

Yeah, it's a Costco card, but it works.

It's not what you think.

I wasn't doubting me.

I was doubting you.

- Oh, yeah! Let's go!

Okay, so we'll FaceTime tomorrow morning,

my time.

Oh, I miss you too.

Okay, good night... I mean, good morning.

What are you doing, Mom?

You've had one date with this guy,

and now you're talking to him, like, 10, 20 times a day?

You are moving way too fast.

Well, sometimes I go fast.

Yeah.

And sometimes slow is good.

Do you remember when I taught you how to play

"Super Mario Kart," and instead of racing,

you just drove real, real slow

to enjoy all the beautiful scenery?

I couldn't leave the ice caves.

They were so gorgeous.

You know, I seem to remember another time I went really fast,

when I was adopting this really cool eighth grader

who was in foster care looking for a home?

You are not gonna find this kind of gold everywhere.

Oh, did I mention he suffers from high self-esteem?

Listen, you're my family, okay?

I'm just trying to protect you.

Are you ever gonna be okay with me falling in love

with anyone other than George?

Yeah.

I'll be my 40s, you'll be in a nursing home.

Should be ready by then.

Oh, my God.

You think you're in love with this guy!

I think my barista days are over.

You forget to put out a wet floor sign,

and "the man" gets angry.

Dude, Mom thinks she's in love with Norway Guy.

You've only known the guy for like, two days.

I love that you met someone, but rein it in, girl.

I don't wanna rein it in.

It feels kind of magical.

He's so funny. And he's cute.

He smells so good.

And he's married!

I just found his wife,

and her Facebook says they're still married.

Yo, not even "It's complicated"?

- Well, that... that must be a mistake.

There's only one way to find out.

I found her interior design company.

You should call her. - No. And say what?

Oh, my God, it's ringing!

Here! - Oh... Poppy!

Hello?

Ooh.

Hello!

Uh, is this Claudia "Fur-jis"?

Yeah, it's Fourgis, but hey.

Listen, I'm in the middle of stealing some wine,

so is this important?

Ooh, yes, dear.

- Are you kidding me? That was you?

Oh, yes, dear.

- I'm Abigail... - Turdbutt.

Turdbury, from, uh,

"Divorced Interior Designers"...

- Magazine. - "Magazine."

- Of course. I'm familiar with you.

We would love to do a profile on you,

but just to confirm, you are divorced, yeah?

'Cause your Facebook page says otherwise, dearie.

Oh, no.

I'm as divorced as they come.

I just leave it that way

because I find it gets me more dates.

Oh-ho-ho, great.

That will definitely be a quote.

You thought I was playing you?

That's terrible.

- Well, I didn't know. The kids got all in my head.

And her Facebook page says that she's married.

Of course, it also says she was in Fleetwood Mac.

Listen, I think we're missing an important point here.

I actually showed up for my interview

with Abigail Turdbury

at the American Girl Café, and no one was there.

This is all so crazy.

I'm sure this sort of situation comes up for you all the time.

Nope.

So what happened after

the offensive impression of a Scottish woman?

Well, I realized that...

that I was just so scared that this wasn't gonna work out.

And then I... I called James and told him to come home.

And?

And he said yes.

Read the room, Leon!

- Claudia. - Yes?

Did this give you what you were searching for?

Meh.

I mean, I got that Jeanie owes me 225 bucks

for a Samantha doll who I was forced to have tea with.

And I got that James was devastated when I left,

and that is on the record.

And I got that therapy really is just a waste of time and money

and I don't know why I come here.

You realize you say that at the end of every session.

- Yeah. We'll talk about it next week.

Ugh.

I know you both revealed a lot of inner doubts,

but you do realize what happened here, right?

The fact that James left allowed you

to have much more time to communicate.

And that made your romantic connection that much stronger.

And you used that space to explore your doubts

and realize that you are meant to be.

Congratulations.

A therapist just told us that we were meant to be.

- And we won the divorce! - Well, I...

yeah, I didn't actually say that.

And we won therapy!

This is her, Astrid the Irresistible.

In Norway, she has her own stamp.

Wow.

I have this intense urge to Venmo her all my money.

- See, babe? Turned her down for you.

Oh, that's a shame because

you guys could have had a polymer relationship.

I'm gonna fail your kid.