Original subtitles

You sent for me, Princess?

Ah, Ensign Benson.

I've been expecting you.

I just wanted to give you a commendation.

It's nothing official.

Just a little token of my appreciation for your saluting

and protecting and serving and standing at attention and whatever else it is you

do around here.

Jeeves? Yes, Princess?

Uh, two Galactic Inlets.

And make his a double.

Your wish command is my function key.

Ensign.

Have a seat.

Make yourself...

Comfortable. Wow.

You're very, uh, tense.

Will there be anything else, Princess?

Gotta be all jeeps.

Bottoms up.

You

know,

Ensign, most women love a man in uniform.

I, however, prefer a man out of

uniform.

Chiefs do this Chiefs do that When will it be Chiefs turn?

I don't understand when will Chiefs be able to let his wiring down?

When will it be Chiefs turn to have some fun?

Well, hello there Are you uh

New around here Yes, I know

I was new once do I are you AC or

DC?

Oh, yes, of course you are.

Have you ever been with a man who was multifunctional?

Well, why don't I take you to my recharging closet?

Would that be all right with you?

Okay.

Shh, it'll be okay.

It'll be okay.

It's me.

No.

Oh, that's a good boy.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

oh oh

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh my god.

Oh, there we go.

There we go.

There.

Don't you have a post to go to or something?

But I thought... Don't ruin it.

Just go.

Wow.

What were you set on, Puree?

Evil overlord.

I should have known.

Really?

You mean laughing in your face, returning all your gifts, changing my

number, and fleeing my planet didn't give you a clue?

I will never marry you.

Or else what?

Well,

I haven't thought of that yet. But rest assured, it will not be pleasant.

Well, marry me, princess.

I'd rather die first.

That's not really a problem.

In many star systems, it's completely legal to marry the dead.

Ew.

Princess. Damn cellular service dropped the call again.

Get them back.

Oh, that's nice.

Bravo.

You really have a way with the ladies, you sweet talker. What a charmer.

I do appreciate the constructive criticism there, Dark Witch, but I have

everything under.

Control yes, obviously your evilness

Destroy

their

shields engines

Everyone, please calm down. Please calm down.

Everything is all right.

We have life pods waiting. Women and children first to the life pods.

Everyone, please calm down. My baby. Women and children first to the life

pods. Oh, please save me and my baby.

My baby.

I knew I should have spent a few extra space cars to get you a spine.

Now grab yourself a blast and prepare to fight.

Princess, we have a life pod waiting for you. Please come with me.

It'll be okay.

You'll be okay. Don't cry.

We've disabled their engines.

Their life supports are failing. And their shields are at 15%. Excellent.

General Watt, fire a warning shot over their bow to let them know we

mean business.

of fire a warning shot over the bow.

Do you not understand?

Leave it to a man to pop too early.

Leave it to a woman to keep bringing it up.

General Ward.

Yes, sir.

Scan. the debris and see if you can find any life forms.

Find the princess alive.

Or dead.

Oh, I can see it now.

Do you, evil overlord, take this earlobe to be your... whatever.

Lord Evil, we found a life pod amidst the debris.

It contains a single life form.

I bet space credits to Donuts that it's the princess.

Tractor beam the pod into the docking bay.

Tractor beaming the pod, sir.

that she survived the unintentional obliteration of her spacecraft.

Prove that our wedded bliss is destiny.

She and me, us and we, together.

Are you going to break out into song? Because if so, I'm going to puke.

General Woods, assemble a wedding party for my...

Bride to be.

I've got to see this.

Open the pod doors!

You can't do that, Dave.

Dave?

What do you mean you can't open the pod doors?

Dave, I can't open the pod bay door.

I am the evil overlord. I command you, open the pod bay door.

Stressed, Dave?

How about a game of chess?

I told you not to buy a used Al-2000, but did you listen to me? No.

Save a few bucks, you said.

Now you listen to me, you bucket of bolts.

Open the damn doors!

Dave, I can tell you are stressed.

Maybe some soft music will help.

This is just getting sad.

You've conquered a dozen galaxies, but you can't open a goddamn door.

Dave.

Dave.

Dave.

Nice. What are you planning for an encore?

Clubbing bunnies?

Cue the band! Cue the band!

Oh, you're right.

You two make a cute couple.

Un-cue the band!

Oh, who's the bitch in this relationship? You look like more of a

bottom to me, Lord Evil.

Mary's the princess.

Greg crushes Larnac so he can never tell you. Why don't you just go ahead and

fire a warning shot across his bow while you're at it?

Leave him to me. I'm sure I'll be able to extract the information from him.

Guards!

Take him to my chamber. I'll deal with him there.

As you wish.

Would you like something to drink?

Are you hungry?

Oh.

Strong, silent type. I like that.

Look, I'll just cut right to the chase.

The moment I met you five minutes ago, I felt a connection.

A little spark.

between us that transcends this whole evil empire and rebellion good evil man

woman thing are you feeling it oh yes you're definitely feeling it

oh my god i swear i don't know anything i just

started i was just a soda jerk and then they transferred me i don't know

anything now

Why don't you just tell Mama all about this princess?

Like, where is she?

There were several life pods jettisoned from the ship.

The princess and her manservant were on one of them.

That's all I know. Please don't kill me.

That's a good little soldier.

Do you know what I do with... Good boys that make me

happy.

Hologram.

Service this human.

Reward him for his good behavior in ways unimaginable to his

puny little human mind.

Hold this.

Hmm.

um

Fuck me, fuck me so with your big fat fucking-

Oh, man.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You know, just going to the dark side is not that bad.

Yes, and on that note... Guards!

Yes, ma'am.

Put him in a torpedo chute and fire him into space.

What is this?

You said we shared a moment.

That moment is gone.

You said you weren't going to kill me.

Well, don't think of it as being killed. Think of it more as having your matter

reorganized. Goodbye.

Yes?

Your Excellency, I have extracted the information that we sought. The princess

did escape in a life pod, and she's out there in space somewhere.

Our sister will be mine to do with as I will.

Are

we

done? Yes.

Good.

God, she kissed me the willy.

I still see you.

Nope, still see you.

Yes,

you're still there.

Nope, still here.

Nope,

still see you.

Yes, you're still there.

And how about this?

Now,

General Watts, scan the entire system and find the princess.

And General, if you fail me this time, well,

try to imagine...

the nastiest way you possibly can to die.

And then go one nastier.

I'll be at my quarters.

Yes, sir.

See your 50 and raise you a hundred.

Too rich for my blood.

I'll call.

Four keys.

I think I'll just take my winnings and go home.

Hold on a second.

There's a last I checked.

Four aces beats four kings.

Four aces?

What the fuck?

Sir, please calm down.

Calm down?

He's cheating!

Hold on a minute. I'm sorry that you lost, but I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll comp your drinks, and I'll give you a couple tickets to go see the

ventriloquist magician, Lion Tamarack. I think you'll like it.

You steal a man's life savings and give him a ticket to a cheap show?

Hold on a second. No one wants to get hurt here.

The only one who's gonna get hurt is you!

That was close.

Close only counts in plasma grenades and horseshoes.

Watching a dude vaporize another dude gets me so hot.

So let me get this right. If I had been the one vaporized, then you would still

be hot?

Well, yeah, but I'd be thinking about you the entire time I fucked the other

guy. I promise.

That's okay. I'll think about that.

Too bad. You don't know what you're missing.

Hold on a second.

Where's my wallet?

Sorry, Buzz.

Old habits die hard.

Why should I give you my life and you just steal it?

Captain Fokker!

This is Captain Star Fokker.

Fokker? Fokker.

Fokker.

Starfucker! What?

What is it? What?

Captain! Our sensors have detected an array of debris from the Fortune 5000

floating among space junk.

Most of our wreckage is heavily damaged, but there is a fully intact escape pod.

Fully intact space escape pod. Fetched 200,000 space credits on the black

market. Are there any life forms?

We scanned the pod and only found one life form.

Still an escape pod in the life form.

Fetch a hefty price at auction.

Get a salvage crew down there. I'll be down there in just a minute. It's time

to make some free money.

Starfocker out.

We really should be going.

I know that.

I get an awful feeling about this place. We should go now.

I'm working on it.

What is it exactly that... Shut up.

So, what do we have here?

I am Princess Hubba Hubba, royal heir to the Katoran system, traveling with my

manservant, Jeeves. Very nice to meet you.

My shuttle was boarded by pirates and we narrowly escaped.

And unfortunately, my life pod landed in this quadrant.

But I really need to get back to the clitoron system and my father. So if you

don't mind, chop chop, and let's get a move on.

I'm sorry, what did you say you were from?

Bitch bitch?

Hey, you can't talk to the princess that way, mister.

Listen, pal, as far as I'm concerned, you two are space cargo. But you know

what? I wonder how much...

A real-life princess gets on the open market.

Listen, you walking Neanderthal, the lives of billions are at stake that I

get back to the Victorian system before I fall into the hands of the evil

overlord.

Well, I don't know. Do you have any money?

Gee, I must have left my purse in my starship when it blew up.

I'm sure the king will reward you handsomely.

I don't know. I'm already pretty damn handsome. What kind of reward are we

talking about?

I'm sure it's more than anyone that you could ever think of.

I don't know. I could think quite a bit.

Well, you'll get that and some.

Now, if you don't mind, could we please get a move on to the chlorine system?

Well, Princess, of course.

But in the meantime, plasma reactor coils or Chlordash smoking weed or

ass, no one rides for free. Miss Kitty?

Do we have a position for these two?

Well, I had another dancer hostess eaten last night.

I suppose she could take her place.

At least until we can get to a spaceport and get a suitable replacement.

And then, do with her what you will.

We could use another pleasure toy.

Pleasure toy?

That's fine, Miss Kitty.

But you won't want to cut the tongue out of this one.

It might be better for business.

Pleasure, Troy.

Beg for it, scum.

Beg me to treat you like a dirty little slut.

That's right.

to the solar sector.

The trail ends here.

But there's no sign of the life pod.

Space traffic control records indicate that a floating casino passed by here a

few parsecs ago.

The S.S. Floating Balls.

Let's pay a visit to the S.S.

Floating Balls, General.

Yes, your evilness.

Remember, open hailing frequency first, and then fire a warning shot across his

bow.

Oh, oh.

Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty.

Push, push the bad girl's face down into his own mouth.

Shut up.

Welcome.

Welcome to the SS Floating Balls, where anything and everything in the known

universe can happen within these very walls.

We cater to every vice imaginable.

Greed, gluttony, sloth, and of course, lust.

Are you fully functional?

Well, uh, yes.

My systems are fully functional.

I am well versed in over 500,000 different sexual practices, including

humanoids, cyborgs, and all carbon-based life forms.

And I assume that you are fully functional, too.

If by functional you mean that the first hand, tentacle, robotic digit, or paw

that touches me, I kill, then yes.

Absolutely.

We need to do some work on that attitude.

Now, you will be working here.

And you, I think you'll be of more help to me in the cabaret.

What have we got here?

Fresh meat.

You must be that new pleasure droid I've been hearing about.

Yes, I am.

May I offer you a cold refreshment?

Yes, I'd like to get a little liquored up.

Excellent. I'll go to the bar.

Oh, no, no, no.

What do you say we get this party started?

You have a little mood music to play?

Why, yes, I am programmed with over 17 million varieties of music.

Let's hear it.

How's this?

No, no, no, no, no. I was thinking of something more romantic.

Oh, perhaps this.

No, no, no.

A little more romantic.

How about this?

Hmm, that's better.

I want you to turn me on and tell me how sexy I look.

Okay.

My, you look shimmery tonight.

No, let's try this.

How you doing, baby?

You see, me and you are behind a woodpile.

You will suck my cock and you will do it now!

Now!

Mon cheri, it is you, it is me. We will make beautiful love together.

Ooh.

French.

La la.

I like that.

See you.

Oh, my God.

I mean we.

We.

We.

I see how fully functional you are.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, God.

I'm here for your pleasure.

Oh.

Oh yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's loving me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh

Oh yes.

Yeah.

That was great.

Really, that was great.

But, uh...

You might want to upgrade the software on that hard drive.

See you around.

I'm your two o'clock.

Can I get you something?

Can I get you something?

Yeah, sure, babe. I bought a nice tall glass at A.T.M.

What the hell is A.T.M.? You know, ask them out.

Whoa, I guess that means the complimentary handjob's out of the

question.

I don't think Miss Kitty is giving you the proper job description for a hostess

entertainer. Basically, your job is to make sure that everyone is happy.

Everyone.

Sometimes that means you have to sit in a lap or two, or perhaps a phase.

This is demeaning, Starfucker.

If you were a true gentleman... A true gentleman?

This is the SS floating balls in the Zoller sector.

If you're a true gentleman here, you're as good as dead. And that goes for

proper ladies, too.

I'll keep that in mind.

Well, perhaps if you don't want to entertain here at the cabaret level, we

can arrange to have you taken below deck for a private show.

Private show?

Yes, I could show you the ins and outs of the holodeck.

No, serving drinks is just fine. Thank you very much.

You whore. Are you trying to ignore me?

No.

Buzz, baby needs love.

Oh, really?

Baby needs love, does she?

Well, let's give baby what she needs.

Really?

Come here.

Come here, Buzz.

That's it. Come here.

Come here.

You know, it's been so long since we... You know.

Yeah, right.

You're a... I've got a great idea. Let's just cuddle.

Cuddle? Yeah, let's just cuddle.

Right. Cuddle.

Prepare to get the shit cuddled out of you.

come here

Oh yeah, that's it.

Oh yeah, that's it right there.

Yeah, that's the bucket.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

oh my god

Oh, yeah, yeah.

oh yeah oh

yeah

oh yeah

Yeah. Fucking me.

Oh, yeah, let's do it right there.

Oh, yeah, right there.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Oh,

yeah, yeah.

What? Buzz, you weren't thinking about that other girl, were

you? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's a princess. It's a common term of

endearment like sweetheart or my little fuck monkey.

Oh.

Okay.

Damn,

you're good.

Do you work out?

What happened? Why have we stopped?

We're caught in a tractor beam.

Tractor beam?

Whose tractor beam?

Star fucker.

Evil Overlord, this is an unexpected surprise.

Should I let Velvina know that her wounded space scout needs a little

battlefield nurse?

Silence.

Silence!

I'm afraid that this isn't a social call, Captain.

We are searching for a life pole that was in your flight path.

What a coincidence.

We found a space pod. Unfortunately, there was nothing in it.

Take the pod with my blessings, Lord Evil.

Oh, we will be taking the pod, of course, as well as anything else that

might belong to us.

And then we'll decide if we're going to blow your ship to smithereens or not.

No, it's not her.

Keep looking.

Tear this ship apart.

Leave no rock unturned.

By all means, feel free to have a look around, boys. Please take full advantage

of all the amenities Floating Balls has to offer.

Now, while your men are busying themselves looking for this mysterious

girl...

What kind of host would I be if I didn't offer you two a drink?

Would you join me at the bar?

Three solar shots.

Here's to the universe.

Bowing on their knees and cowering before us.

I was going to drink to your health, but bottoms up.

So, how are things raping the galaxy?

Oh, you know, same old, same old.

Boardroom politics.

Interplanetary domination.

Enough of the chit-chat.

Boys, where is the girl?

Girl, girl, girl, girl. Oh, you need some space, Jim. I can help the brother

up. Candy, candy.

I did not destroy 42 planets in the last fiscal quarter alone so that some space

cowboy can attempt to make a fool out of me.

If you are hiding anything, star fucker, you will die a very slow and painful

death. Not necessarily in a quarter of a quarter. Your most evilness, sometimes

these things take a woman's touch.

Let me talk to Buzz.

I'm sure he'll respond better when he's not being choked to death.

Now, Buzz, perhaps there's someplace quieter you and I could talk.

Oh, well, actually, here is good.

Or we could talk over here. Here's good, too.

Ladies and aliens, sit back and relax as our own mystery dancer grinds out a tale

of love and romance through a universal dance.

Dance, you idiot!

Show me that poetry with your movement

She's

good, she's really good I can tell the whole story

I have to get back. I think I left the keys to the ship on the bar.

Shh.

Buzz.

Did you miss me?

Because I missed you.

You know, no humanoid in the known galaxy has ever made me

feel the way you make me feel.

A few silicone-based life forms, but...

No other man.

Computer.

Hologram setting 1-3-3.

After you.

Thank you.

Ah, holodeck jungle setting. How original.

Take me, Buzz.

Take me like a boy raised by apes.

I don't know. I think we're kind of rushing things a little bit.

Whatever happened to getting to know each other as friends first?

Oh, are you playing coy?

Uh, well, no.

I just thought I'm really not in the mood.

Well, what can I do to get you in the mood?

Alcohol.

Let's get drunk.

need a drink. Oh, but I do.

Hey, you done with the holiday?

Program's running. Knock your socks off. All right, thanks.

Buzz!

Buzz!

Okay, now you ready? Uh-huh. Okay, this is gonna be great.

Wow.

Jungle setting.

It's cool.

You know, I've always wanted to do it in this program. Really?

Yeah.

I've only seen this program once. Really?

Yeah.

I love you.

Thank you.

Dude.

um um

Watch.

Watch. Oh, fuck.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Back it hard.

Back it hard.

Back

it

hard.

Fuck me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah, like that.

Like that.

Oh, yeah, fuck it, harder.

Oh, yeah.

Good.

You are fucking good.

Yeah, got it.

Hard, you know.

Fuck me harder.

Fuck you.

Hello!

You are fantastic.

A genuine artist.

And guess what?

I am a fabulously wealthy benefactor and patron of the arts!

Let me buy you a drink, baby.

Oh, no, no, that's okay. You're too kind. I can accept.

No, no, no.

Now, tell me if I'm wrong.

Depart here.

You're wiggling your ass, you know?

Did that mean the hero is coming home from the war and his brother

has remarried his wife?

Yep, exactly.

I knew it, I knew it.

I have to go get ready for my next movie. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait.

I have to see your booty.

It's you!

Guard!

You lied to me.

He lied to me.

Ours.

I promised you a slow and peaceful death.

Well, now I'm going to extend that courtesy to your entire crew and

everyone aboard this trash bin of a ship.

Kill everyone on board and then destroy the ship.

Excuse me, everyone.

Please line up in an oily fashion to be killed.

Fire at will.

Is this a warning shot, sir?

No, this is for reals.

Firing laser beams, sir.

Maybe you should call it a warning shot.

General Mort.

Fire a warning shot.

No!

Don't feel sad, princess.

Today should be the happiest day of your life.

It's your wedding day.

Guard, take her to the holding cell.

You, Princess Hubba Hubba, take the evil overlord to be your lawfully wedded

husband, to have and to hold, to obey his every disgusting whim,

no matter how much it turns your stomach, until death do you part, or

even longer.

I do.

You are wise to reconsider, Princess.

Why be the Princess of the Planet when I can be the Queen?

of the universe.

How delightfully wicked of you, pretend.

And do you, evil overlord, take the princess as your lawfully wedded wifey

-poo, to have and to hold, to do with what you will, whenever,

wherever, and whichever office you choose, until death do you part,

or you grow weary of her, and disintegrate her, whichever comes first.

Oh, gee, gosh.

I don't know.

You know, the swing of that sirloin style has been pretty good to me up to

this time.

It's hard to give it all up, but, you know.

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do.

Well, then, by the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you...

Evil overlord. And the luckiest woman in the universe.

You may kiss the bride.

And by kiss, I mean full tongue and all.

So you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, only if it rhymes with A-T-M.

And what does A-T-M mean, you jackasses?

Ass to mouth.

Yeah.

Enough of this tomfoolery.

Away to my chamber with me so we can get an early start on our honeymoon.

Is it the tissue?

Is it my breath?

It's my lack of hair.

I've been doing it.

This holodeck is equipped with a shapeshifter

How about this?

Once you go general, you don't go back.

No.

Maybe this.

If I was going to go Les, it would not be with her. Thank you very much.

All right, we'll try another one.

I love weddings.

Where's the buffet?

I'll give you two tits for a nipple.

Oh, God, no.

Um, I'll... We'll try this then.

Huh.

Okay.

This I can work with.

But, um, how about someplace a little less open?

Absolutely.

This I can work with.

Yes.

Oh.

Thank you.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, princess.

That was fabulous.

Let's go a couple more times, eh?

It's just a dream.

Hey, how's it going? Nice rack.

It's just a dream.

General Watts.

Yes, sir. Evil Overlord, sir.

Now that the princess is in our evil clutches, absolutely nothing

must go wrong.

We must ensure that all our T's are dotted and all our I's are crossed.

Of course, sir.

I want to be in and out of that bitch.

And all over that planetary system in a couple hours.

Yep, sir.

Nothing can or will go wrong now, sir.

Excellent.

Well, nighty-night, General.

Finally, a little playtime for the General.

I think a little late-night entertainment is in order.

After all...

All work and no play makes Worth's a dull general.

Insta-day.

Just add water.

Sound simple.

Silverpink. Silverpink.

Silverpink.

Why not?

Hello, ladies.

How may we serve you?

Well, ladies, the dick isn't going to fuck itself.

I like that.

I like that.

I love this insta-thing stuff.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you like that, Master?

Oh, yes.

Oh, that's it.

Show her how good you are.

Big hard cough.

Yeah.

Oh, it really feels good, huh?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's her.

That's her.

She loves her heart. She loves her clean breath.

Princess, we've come for you. Please follow us.

Uh, there's been a mistake.

I'm not the princess.

Uh, she's two cells over.

Yeah, right. If you come along quietly, this will all be over soon enough.

Wait, uh, I'm not ready to get married.

I have a headache, and, uh, it might be that time of the month.

Oh, God, the cramps.

Oh. Are you okay?

Princess,

don't.

Jeeves?

Princess.

Buzz?

Are you okay?

We launch a heroic rescue and I get my balls halfway up my ass as a thank you.

Sorry, I thought you two were gone when the exploding balls exploded.

So did we.

Thanks for our courage, our ingenuity, and our rugged looks, we managed to

escape.

Excuse me, everyone.

Please line up in an oily fashion.

You'll be killed.

Tell him not to get shot.

Where's the princess?

They got her. We gotta get out of here. We must save her.

He's dead.

I need to use this teleporter, Chief. Get us off this damn ship.

Okay, okay, okay.

Come on, come on, come on!

Buzz, I am well versed in over two million different interfacing languages.

I don't need your resume, Jeeves. I just need you to upgrade the teleporter.

I got it! Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Uh, nothing's happening.

Oh, sorry, I forgot.

Jeeves, do you have any idea where we are?

Well... My best estimation is that we're somewhere aboard the evil Overlord's

battle cruiser.

Jeeves, do you have any idea what that smell might be?

Well, my best estimation is that it's rotting organic man-

Well, I guess it could have been worse.

It could have teleported us into a vat of medical waste or something.

Or a vat of poop.

Game over.

Game over.

I broke my hand.

Oh, Buzz, I'm not even under warranty.

Check with this computer to find the princess.

Hey, how you doing?

I couldn't help but notice you from across the room. I knew there was a

little something about you. You have shiny buttons.

Would you get on with it?

You just can't rush into these things, Buzz. You can't just let them think that

you're after them for their data.

I've got it.

The princess is in detention block five.

Oh, no.

She's being prepared to wed the evil overlord today.

I didn't even get an invitation.

Look.

Upload a map. A map of the ship.

Done.

I'll see you later.

And you're able to do this in like an hour?

You ever heard about writer's freedom?

I think we really should be going now.

After you, princess.

You first.

No, no, after you. No, you first. After you, princess. Stop it.

What

the

hell is going on here?

We're escorting the princess to the spa where she'll prepare herself for the

wedding. Yes, so she can relax before walking down the aisle and spending the

rest of her life with a constant headache.

We didn't receive any orders about that.

Well, it's typical the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing, but

since we've come this far, we might as well go ahead and finish the job, right?

Hold on.

I'm going to have to call this in.

You just wait right here.

Now what are we going to do, hero?

Don't worry your pretty little head about it, princess. I got it all under

control.

Just checked in with HQ and they don't know anything about those spa levels.

The Dark Witch is being sent down personally to investigate.

Well, of course she is. And we're just down here following orders. And all I

know is that heads are going to roll if we can't get this thing worked out. Wait

a second. I remembered something. He's the one that gave me this order.

Buzz, what are you doing?

Yeah, come to think about it, you never worked out the details of this, did you?

And where's your ID badge, huh? Yeah, let's see your ID badge.

I must have left them in my other pants.

Watch him, boy. He doesn't have a pass. Watch him.

Buzz,

that was not funny. Look, I told you I had it all under control.

Let's go.

Did you even have a plan?

Hey, I was winging it. Winging it? What is that?

Latin for getting us killed?

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

Buzz Starfucker.

What a pleasant surprise.

Tell me, Buzz.

Did you miss me as much as I missed you?

Take him to the holding cell and leave the princess with me.

Sit.

Hello?

Your evilness, I foiled an escape attempt.

Starfucker and a droid.

Damn that boss, Diebucker.

He should be dead.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda, my lord.

Bring me the princess.

Nothing will keep me from my wedding day.

With pleasure, my lord.

Time to go, sweetie.

Yes, sir.

We must expedite the cell. May us aid thee.

Go to the bridge and set a course for the Clitoran system.

Post haste.

And no dilly-dallying.

Yes, sir.

Well, then get to it.

I am surrounded by incompetence.

Goodbye. Sir?

I'm still here.

How about now?

Still here, sir.

No.

That didn't do it either, sir. Try one of the other buttons, sir.

How about now?

There you are, sir.

No, sir. I'm still here.

Ah!

Die, you demon! Seed from hell!

Evil Baby, here's your bride-to-be.

Ah, the lovely Princess Hubba Hubba.

The news of your recent harrowing

kidnapping by the evil Buzz Starfucker and his dread robot companion has

made my love for you even more urgent.

Therefore, you'll be happy to know I've moved our marriage ahead of schedule.

And as an early wedding gift, you will get to sit with me and watch

as Buzz Starfucker has torn limb from limb

in the pit of death by monstrosity.

Bit long?

A little.

Little too evil?

Maybe a smidge.

There is a fine line between evil laugh and annoying laugh, isn't

there?

Well, princess, now join me in the skybox to

watch her death.

Dark Witch, prepare!

Well,

you two should be quite proud of the honor the evil overlord has bestowed

upon you. You see, as a present for his new bride, you two heroes are going to

be thrown into the pit of death.

Where Mom Stroh will thrash, pummel, and disembowel you.

And that'll just be the appetizer.

Pit of death, Oz.

I told you it's gonna be really painful. Well, it's not really a pit. It's a

holographically generated pit. But it is of death.

Guard.

Take this robot.

And outfit him to do battle in the pit of death.

Bye, Buzz.

Buzz.

You represent a special problem to me.

A conundrum.

A mystery shrouded by a riddle wrapped in a

enigma.

You see, I've always liked you. You and I, we share a special

connection.

The last time we met, you slapped my face.

Yes, but it was done with love.

Perhaps there's some way you can persuade me not to have you

thrown.

Into the pit of death and have Monstro rip you apart.

Dirty little human boy likes to play around in the sand.

Come on, show me how much you want your life.

Yeah.

So does this mean I get off scot-free without probation?

We'll see.

We'll see.

Hell no.

Do it.

Tell me how you want me to fuck you.

Tell me.

Tell me how you want me to fuck you.

I want you to take... I want you to take all my cock.

Like this.

Don't suck his cock. Don't suck his cock.

Just be a good boy. Yeah.

Suck your cock. Let me suck your cock.

Thank you.

Get over here and bring it to me.

Oh, my God.

I'm all over your face.

Oh, yeah.

What if I just tease it?

Yeah. What if I just tease it?

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

This is great.

I can smell it.

Get down here, Buzz.

Buzz,

you are wonderful.

Guards!

Preparing for the pit of death.

Whoa, whoa, hold on here. Hold on. I thought we had something.

Well, we did, but now we don't.

Why are you lying and cheating?

Buzz, buzz.

Just stop.

See, we had a moment, but that moment is gone.

Just like your life.

Take him away.

Let's go.

The ultimate demise of one Buzz Starfucker and his robot

G's.

At the whim and fancy of Monstro.

Remember, there's a two drink minimum.

And be sure to tip your waitstaff.

Remember?

Be good to them and they will be good to you.

Let the executions begin.

We could be in trouble, Jason.

We're definitely in trouble, guys.

Well, fear not. I have a plan.

They don't know who they're messing with.

I'm certified in martial arts, 15 different galaxies, 17 different

qualities.

I can kill creatures with one finger.

I'm certified platinum.

He said gold last time.

Gold, platinum, what difference does it make?

They don't know who they're messing with.

When they mess with Buzz Starfucker.

Buzz, Buzz, it's bad.

Okay, new plan. You're doing it.

No! No!

I don't want to hurt you, okay? I don't want to hurt you. Okay.

I really don't want to hurt you. Okay.

I really don't want you to hurt me.

Come on.

Come on, man.

You have to get into the fight.

You got that?

I found a good hiding place.

Okay, I've got a new plan.

You activate your self-destruct, run towards the monster, thus saving us.

Okay. Wait, how does that save me?

You. It's always got to be about you, doesn't it?

Look out!

Oh, God!

Wait a minute. You look like a reasonable guy. How about some comp

tickets, too? Antochus, Magician, Lion, Tamer, Zag.

Sir,

General Ward sent me to inform you that we're in the Clitoron system.

Damn!

Good, too.

Well, let's go get married.

Princess, your first day has arrived.

You can have my body, but you'll never have my soul.

Chiefs, new plan.

Jack in his computer. Open these doors.

That's gonna leave a mark.

How's it going?

You've been around a while, haven't you?

I'm trying.

Me and my buddy just thought we would just let it slip.

Oh, God, I broke it.

Hurry up and fix it.

I'm getting it.

That was a good one.

We'll fix it.

I got it. I got it.

I didn't think I'd see you again.

Yeah, well, too many space credits is a lot of motivation.

I'm getting kind of used to this you saving me thing.

Yeah, me too.

Not so fast, star fucker.

I would prefer if I were the first to kiss my bride.

And so if no one would have any further...

Objection.

Princess, we need to get to the dock, jack a ship, and get out of here.

But Buzz, if we don't put an end to the evil of the Lord once and for all, the

universe will never be free of his tyranny. If we don't get out of here...

You call yourself a hero?

Jeeves!

Jack into the computer.

Activate the self-destruct.

Gee, I don't know, Buzz.

She's really not my type.

Just do it!

How you doing? You work out? Well, you bitch.

You should get on with it.

Sorry.

Self-destruct activated.

Okay. Now the universe is saved. May we go in your arms?

I'll never forget you.

Self-destruct in T-2.

Oh, goodness, what are we going to do now?

You could just go down with your ship.

Well, don't we know something about going down?

Well, sir, it is the code of the sea for the captain to go down with his ship.

Oh, well, well.

General Hortz, I hereby grant you the status of captain of the

ship. With all its due honors and privileges, of course.

Really, your evilness?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Self-destruct in T-minus one minute.

Come on, you fool. Let's get out of here.

No.

No.

Captain,

I control it all.

We're looking for a power switch.

It's here somewhere. It's labeled, uh, switch.

Switch. Power switch.

Teams! Okay, then. Find the power switch. Find the power switch. Turn this

on so we can get out of here. Find it now! Find it! Boss, I make a mean

margarita, but I don't know anything about powering a spaceship.

Get out of here!

Oh.

Princess, what are you doing?

I want to drive.

It's fine. I can have the chair.

Get out of the chair. Look, do you have a solar sailor license?

Are you able to fly this ship in 27 different galaxies and 47 different

quadrants? No, you're not. So get your oil ass out of the chair.

Fine! You can have it.

Didn't want to drive anyway.

Buzz!

Find the power switch.

Come on, flyboy.

Hit it or shit it. Get us the hell out of here. Princess, you're yelling in my

ear. It's not helping me find the power switch.

Buzz!

Stop it. Buzz.

Stop it!

What?

Maybe it's the red one.

Maybe it's the red one.

Of course it's the red one. It's labeled power.

You're supposed to know these. I tried to tell you.

We enslaved a thousand worlds together, and now it's over!

Help me, idiots!

Get in here, you idiots!

Self-destruct in T-minus ten seconds.

All right, is everyone buckled in?

Who wants a margarita?

I guess you did it.

This, uh, makes you a hero.

Way to go, boss.

Smack him if you got him.

You could have just vaporized them, but no.

That would be quick. That would be easy. That would be done and over with. You

had to go and make a big production of it.

Monstro, hit it death, tip your waist down.

Jeeves, for your unflinching loyalty, we would like to present you with the

Interplanetary Council of Planets Medal of Honor.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Academy, and also my maker.

His name is Mel Chivowitz.

Buzz Starfucker? That's fucker.

Fucker, fucker, whatever.

We would like to take this opportunity, because of your courage and bravery and

big cojones in the face of danger, are willing to present you this award, the

Interplanetary Council of Planets Medal of Honor.

And at the request of my daughter, two million space credits and the pink slip

to your own casino, all perfectly legal.

Why does Buzz get a casino?

It's huge.

What does Jeeves get?

Jeeves gets blown up, mangled, dismembered, wiring torn out, plugged

into stations and systems that, quite frankly, I would never plug into.

Unprotected, I might add.

What does Jeeves get? Jeeves gets nothing. Jeeves gets metal.

Jeeves is made of metal. Jeeves gets metal.

Jeeves, you've been wonderful serving me all these years, but, uh...

I think it's about time someone served you.

But your very own, brand new, laser droid.

5150.

What can I serve you, Master?

Well, you can, uh...

How you doing?

Have you ever seen the inside of my recharging closet?

Follow me.

And, uh, now if you don't mind, I need to give Buzz my own personal reward.

Oh yeah, looks like she's gonna get a little ATM tonight.

What the hell is ATM?

You know, honey.

Ask to Mel!

This is my room.

Do you like it?

And this is my recharging station.

You could try it if you'd like.

Or not.

Please, sit down.

This is where my koi fish are.

Koi fish go like this.

Can you do that?

Excellent.

Perfect.

Doing the koi fish.

That's perfect.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Oh, fuck.

Hmm.

Oh, shit.

Oh.

So, have you ever made love to a princess?

No.

Prepare to get royally fucked.

I love you.

How are you?

Thank you.

You think if I maybe send some flowers and candy, a nice card, a little stuffed

animal, I could win her back.

You idiot, just let it go. Let it go.