Original subtitles

One, two, three...

Five eggs?!

You lot are absolutely bang on form today.

Utterly excelled yourselves.

Do you know what?

I actually put all my money

on Edna doing the lion's share.

Her arse is like a fuckin' egg cannon.

(CHICKENS CLUCK)

Yeah, so, I've been looking after the parish chickens.

Er, basically, the vicar's been away

visiting his son Jacob in Bristol,

so me and Kurtan have been holding the fort.

It's been really great.

WOMAN ON PHONE: Er, I am worried, because I don't like

keys to go missing, because when they go missing

it just means you can't get into the room,

and I need to get into the room next week

because there's a domino drive on, and if I can't get into the room

it's going to be a massive, massive, massive problem.

KURTAN: When Vicar went away,

he left me as point of contact in the village in case of emergencies.

My phone's just become a hotline for wazzocks.

Monday, June's freezer defrosted.

Fuck me, she was so hysterical you thought it was like a scene from Deep Impact.

Tuesday, Arthur had four pints of Old Rosie at the ploughing match

and was so pissed he was trying to open his front door with a pound coin.

Oh, Thursday, the village hall got double-booked,

and the Scrabble club

were absolute unforgiving arseholes about the whole thing.

By Friday, I was genuinely this close

from just getting everyone in the village minibus

and driving the wrong way down the dual carriageway.

Just take everyone down with me.

- Ready? - Yeah. I've gotta grab my eggs.

KERRY: So, we're going to the train station to surprise the vicar,

because I want to tell him how well I've been looking after the chickens.

I just want him to come back as soon as possible

so everything can go back to normal.

Yeah, and tell him about the chickens.

I can't wait to give the vicar these freshly lain eggs.

He's gonna love it.

I can't wait to give Vicar a piece of my mind.

If he goes away again he'll have to take all them loons with him,

because I ain't going through a week like that again. No chance.

Well, I absolutely loved this week, and Vicar can ask me to help any time.

Yeah, because all you had to do is collect chicken eggs, Kerry.

Those are the sort of jobs given to people who've had brain injuries.

(SCOFFS) Kurtan, it's a lot harder than just collecting chicken eggs.

Like, you try filling up a feeder with seed

when your flock hasn't eaten for six hours.

What time train is Vicar actually on?

He said the lunchtime train.

Ah! Vicar's car.

Ah!

"Jesus is my airbag."

I'm surprised someone ain't put a brick through that window.

- Yeah. - Uh-oh!

Travel pillow.

He won't have left that behind on purpose.

Mm. That's silly, because I know

he won't be able to sleep on the train without it.

His head will be completely free-ranging.

I can't wait to see Vicar.

He's probably going to ask me to look after the chickens full time.

Oh, can you just stop talking about chickens?

The reason Kurtan hates me talking about the chickens

is because it reminds him of when he got bullied at school,

because everyone used to call him Chicken Boy,

because he looks so much like a chicken.

And this one time in art class,

Darren Lacey drew a picture of the evolution of Kurtan,

which was basically like an egg and then it was a chicken

and then a Kurtan.

It's actually quite clever.

God, I don't think we've been on this platform

since Gramps took us on that holiday to Weymouth.

Yeah, I was just thinking that.

- How old were we? Like, 11? - Yeah.

What a week that was. That was great.

Yeah, I don't really have fond memories of that holiday, to be fair.

Why?

You know why.

The pantomime?

Yeah.

Can I tell them?

Yeah, so, we went to the Weymouth Pavilion

to go and see the summer pantomime,

and Toadfish from Neighbours, right, was playing Wishy Washy.

And it was Kurtan's birthday, so he pulled Kurtan up on stage.

And then it was the interval and the curtains came down,

and what did he say to you?

He said I was the worst kid he ever called up on stage.

He was like, "You gave me nothing out there.

"I had them in the palm of my hand with that never-ending handkerchief gag,

"and you totally killed the room.

"It was like bouncing off a black hole."

He...chucked me my goodie bag and said,

"Get out there and smile, you nasty little pom."

Does that surprise you?

Because, personally...

...he charmed me in Celebrity Big Brother.

- (SCOFFS) - He really did.

Yeah, because it's a performance. Yeah?

He knows someone's watching. He never switches off.

But when the curtain comes down and the wig comes off...

...he's a monster.

Is that a train coming in?

Is it?

Yeah, train's coming.

Thank the Lord!

Here he comes, here he comes.

Can you see him?

Where is he?

He's not here.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

He must be getting the next one.

Yeah, and that ain't coming in for another 45 minutes.

- That's so annoying. - That's really annoying.

Do you know what? That's so typical of him, that sort of airy-fairy attitude.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's just wandered onto the Hogwarts Express,

because his head's so in the fuckin' clouds.

Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised.

That man is about as street smart as Will Ferrell in Elf.

KERRY: The vicar...

...is not street smart.

Like, this one time he got into

a conversation at Swindon bus station with a prostitute about the weather,

and a pimp ended up charging him £500 for the pleasure of her company.

Yeah. And as he was walking the vicar to the cashpoint,

the vicar tried to snap his bank card in his pocket,

but the pimp noticed and slapped him round the back of the head,

took his money and then nicked his Fitbit, for good measure.

He lost a whole month's worth of step data that was on it.

Don't ever pull tricks on a pimp.

(BIRDSONG)

(EXHALES)

(ANNOUNCEMENT OVER TANNOY)

- (PHONE RINGS) - Who's that?

Oh, fuck's sake, it's Peggy.

Who's Peggy?

Fuckin' faffmeister-general from camera club.

Hello, Peggy?

Yes, speaking.

Yes, hi, Peggy, I said that.

Yeah.

Ye... OK. Code...

Mm.

Yes. Code f...

OK.

OK, yeah, code... code for the door is 2146, OK?

(CLEARS HIS THROAT) 2146.

OK. Yeah, get a pen.

(LAUGHS)

(CLEARS HIS THROAT)

Hello?

Yes, Peggy, have you got a pen?

Yes, I'm still here.

Right. 2146.

21... Yeah?

...46.

(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION) Two...

Two turtle doves. Right?

One... On its own, as in number one.

- Four as in...G4. - (KERRY LAUGHS)

Six...

...as in the number six, spelt S-I-X.

No! No, the G...

...the G was just a reference point to what the number...

It... 2146.

(SHOUTS) 2146!

No G! No, because it's just...it's just numbers on the...on the door code.

It's... Look, listen! Shhh!

2146!

2... 21...

Oh, shit.

(PHONE BEEPS)

I... Sorry, sorry, I just...

I shouldn't actually have to be dealing with this. The vicar should be back.

- What the fuck? - What?

(LAUGHS) It's the Tudor Roses society.

What the hell's that?

Well, it's just a group of people that dress like Tudor times

and meet up in random old places

and say stuff like "good morrow" to each other

and, "How many groats for your finest pig?" That sort of shit.

Why on earth would anyone wanna do that?

Well, you know how some people, like, feel they've been born

- in the wrong body and that? - Yeah.

Well, they feel like they've been born in the wrong century.

And apparently, it's actually really un-PC

to talk to them about anything modern.

How do you know that?

Slugs told me.

- He was in the Tudor Roses. - Really?

Yeah.

I saw him in the village once walking with his ruff around his neck.

What's a ruff?

You know, one of them things Shakespeare wears.

No.

And that little spoilt...little pug in Pocahontas wears one.

Oh, yeah!

I always thought that Slugs wore that for a health thing.

What?

I thought it was like some sort of air filter.

That's... That's absolutely insane!

It's Tudor fashion.

Yeah, I was surprised that Slugs was into Tudor re-enactment.

But, to be honest, I think there was a large sexual element to it...

...because Slugs told me about these role plays that Kayleigh would make him do...

...where she played this character called Filthy Rose, who was a blind prostitute

and gets, er, bought at market by Slugs's character, Lord Denimere.

And apparently Slugs used to do Kayleigh doggie style

to the song Greensleeves.

- This will really cheer you up. - What?

Mum had a massive barney yesterday with Steve from the dairy farm.

What about?

Over, like, six quid of unpaid milk.

(SCOFFS) Pathetic.

Pathetic. But she thinks, right, that she's paid it

- and he thinks she hasn't paid it. - Yeah.

And there's been, like, some massive mix-up on the way.

But she was, like, on the phone, going, "I paid you it,"

and he was like, "You haven't paid me it!"

- (LAUGHS) - It was hilarious, mate.

That's brilliant.

Shall I ring her now, pretend I'm Steve?

She'll go absolutely psycho.

But, yeah, ring her, yeah.

Can you do Steve's voice?

Yeah, I'll try.

(RINGING TONE)

Hello, is Sue there, please?

Is that Sue, is it?

Can you hear me, Sue?

Can you speak up a bit, please, Sue?

You know that milk we delivered last week?

Well, can you nip round with the money today?

Oh, she hung up.

I told you! What did I say? I told you she'd go mental.

That was brilliant.

Ring her again?

Yeah, ring her again, yeah.

(RINGING TONE)

Hello, is that Sue?

Guess who this is?

Yeah.

That's right, yeah, Now, you know what I'm gonna ask you, don't you?

(PHONE BEEPS)

Brilliant.

- Oh, that was good! - Superb.

That couldn't have gone better.

Bravo. Well done. That was brilliant.

Oh!

Well, it's sad, actually, about Steve, cos...

...the dairy farm's really struggling at the moment.

- Yeah. - That six quid probably means

- quite a lot to him. - Yeah.

Getting undercut by all them supermarkets and that.

Tried to top himself, didn't he?

He did, yeah.

In his barn. Hung a noose on the rafters of the barn.

(ANNOUNCEMENT OVER TANNOY)

His wife found him.

- (PHONE VIBRATES) - Oh, fuckin' hell!

- Who's that? - Oh, this fuckin' phone.

It's the bane of my life.

Hello?

Yeah.

Oh, right. Oh, God, OK.

Right.

Er, no, that wasn't me.

No, it's got nothing to do with me.

- No, chickens is... - What about the chickens?

Yeah, that's Kerry's field. Well, I'll pass you over, then.

OK, cheers, Mrs Wicks.

- She wants to talk to you. - Hello? How's me cluck-a-lucks?

What?

But I...

I shut... I'm sure I shut the door!

Oh...

What about Edna?

OK. Well...

...thanks...for calling.

Yeah.

What was that about?

Somebody left the door open on the chicken coop.

Fox got in.

They're all gone.

What, they escaped?

They're gone, Kur.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

The vicar won't be happy, I don't think.

The parish chickens? He's had them a while, as well.

He loved them.

You can't trust Kerry with anything.

She'll either break it or sell it.

Or just let it be killed.

I remember, at school, Kerry baby-sat my Tamagotchi.

By the time I got it back, the screen was so full of turds

it was just awash with pixelated shite.

Another innocent life snuffed out by that oaf.

Vicar better be on this train.

No, he won't. This is a Hereford train.

He won't be on it...unfortunately.

Hey, what do you fancy for dinner tonight?

I don't think I'll eat anything.

I quite fancy some chicken Kievs.

What a fuckin' dickish thing to say. Why would you fuckin' say that?

Do you know anywhere I can get some chicken meat from?

From some freshly slaughtered chickens.

Oh, well, you should know.

What do you mean?

You know what everyone calls you is Chicken Boy.

Why?

Because you look like a chicken

and your great big nose and your fuckin' spindly little chicken wings.

Oh, thanks! That's... You're getting personal.

- Yeah. I will get personal. - Thanks for that. Well done.

You're just bitter cos you killed your chickens,

let 'em get slaughtered by a fox.

What the...?

- Ow! - How fuckin' dare you say that?

What are you doing?

- Yeah, you wouldn't. - Yeah, I would.

You wouldn't.

You wouldn't.

- What? Try me. - (DOORS-CLOSING ALARM)

Give me the shoe back.

Give me the shoe back.

Come on, come on!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No-o-o-o-o!

Why would you do that?!

Fuck's sake!

Fuck!

My chickens have just been slaughtered by a fox.

And to help me with my grief...

...you've taken my right shoe

from the pair of my only shoes

and thrown it on a train heading to Paddington.

- Yeah. - May I ask why you did that?

Dunno. Just annoyed, I think.

There he is, look.

Vicar!

Vicar!

He's got his fuckin' headphones in.

Shall I scare him?

(KURTAN LAUGHS)

(REV FRANCIS CRIES OUT)

(KERRY LAUGHS)

Kerry! Kurtan!

- What on earth are you doing? - What are you doing?

I had the shock of my life.

KURTAN: Fuck!

Why did...? Why did you do that?

Why did you do that?

That could not have gone better for me.

That is a crazy thing to do, Kurtan.

I'm sorry! It was just a surprise!

I thought it would be funny.

(LAUGHS) You can't just jump at people like that!

I mean, you are a silly-billy.

- You were so scared! - Ohhh!

- I wasn't scared. - You gave me the shock of my life.

- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.

My goodness! Sorry, I was in a world of my own there.

I'll carry this to the car for you.

What are you both doing here?

- To surprise you! - Surprise you.

Oh, that's lovely! Thank you, Kerry.

- Instead, you shunt me into that. - Well, I didn't mean it.

- You gave me a shock. - You fell on the ground!

Oh! Oh, good Lord.

That was an absolutely brilliant punked,

but the punker got punked, as well.

Oh, dear.

- Are you all right with that? - Mm.

Kerry, what happened to your other shoe?

Kurtan threw it on a train to Paddington.

Why would you do that, Kurtan?

You don't know the half of the story, Vicar.

It's such a strange thing to do.

Did you miss us, Vicar?

Yes, I did miss you.

- Really? - Well, yes, of course!

Did you...did you cry because you missed us so much?

No, I didn't cry.

But...

...well I...I did get a bit teary

when you sent me that picture of you both with the chickens. (CHUCKLES)

Right.

Shotgun front.

Vicar? Erm, would you say that the parish chickens

are more like livestock to you than pets, would you say?

Erm, why are you asking that, Kerry?

I was just curious to know.

Small talk.

KURTAN: Go on, then.

That's it, put your weight into it.

Yeah! Big slugger.

KURTAN: Now Vicar's back, I feel like a weight's been lifted.

Yeah, it was great for him to have that little trip away,

see Jacob, an' that,

but, you know, it's good that he's home now.

And you can tell he's relieved to be away from Bristol.

I mean, who wouldn't be?

I mean, utter stink hole.

REV FRANCIS: Well, it's always lovely coming back to the village.

I'm so deeply fond of it.

Um...

...I...just have to tell you that...

...I do have some news.

Erm, I've perhaps not been entirely honest with you.

But I had my reasons. Erm...

...my trip was only partly to see Jacob.

Er, the main reason was, I had, er...

...a meeting with the archbishop to...

...well, to confirm my transfer to a new parish...

...in Bristol.

So, er, yeah, big news.

Erm, it's something that's been brewing for a while, but, erm...

...I just felt for obvious reasons

that I had to sort of keep a little bit quiet about it.

But, erm, now it's been confirmed I wanted to...

...to share that with you.

Ow!

Agh!

PRODUCER: Have you told Kerry and Kurtan yet?

Er, no. Er, I haven't told Kerry and Kurtan yet, and, er...

...I will do, but, erm, if I'm honest, I'm not entirely...

...sure I want to, er, add to their burdens,

with, er, the week they've just had. Erm...

But, erm, I will be telling them the situation very soon,

er, as soon as I find the right moment.

Go down here, on here.

(KERRY YELLS)

Ah!

Welcome to Jackass! I'm Johnny Knoxville.

And I'm Steve-O.

Boom!