1
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,360
One, two, three...

2
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:22,480
Five eggs?!

3
00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:26,200
You lot are absolutely bang on form today.

4
00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:28,360
Utterly excelled yourselves.

5
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,480
Do you know what?

6
00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,800
I actually put all my money

7
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,760
on Edna doing the lion's share.

8
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,800
Her arse is like a fuckin' egg cannon.

9
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,600
(CHICKENS CLUCK)

10
00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:51,960
Yeah, so, I've been looking after
the parish chickens.

11
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,000
Er, basically, the vicar's been away

12
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,920
visiting his son Jacob in Bristol,

13
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:59,040
so me and Kurtan
have been holding the fort.

14
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,680
It's been really great.

15
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:02,920
WOMAN ON PHONE:  Er, I am worried,
because I don't like

16
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,080
keys to go missing,
because when they go missing

17
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,280
it just means you can't get into the room,

18
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:09,160
and I need to get into the room
next week

19
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:12,160
because there's a domino drive on,
and if I can't get into the room

20
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,960
it's going to be a massive,
massive, massive problem.

21
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,240
KURTAN:  When Vicar went away,

22
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:20,360
he left me as point of contact
in the village in case of emergencies.

23
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,360
My phone's just become
a hotline for wazzocks.

24
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,840
Monday, June's freezer defrosted.

25
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:29,160
Fuck me, she was so hysterical you thought
it was like a scene from  Deep Impact.

26
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,680
Tuesday, Arthur had four pints
of Old Rosie at the ploughing match

27
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:37,040
and was so pissed he was trying
to open his front door with a pound coin.

28
00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:41,200
Oh, Thursday, the village hall
got double-booked,

29
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:42,520
and the Scrabble club

30
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:46,080
were absolute unforgiving arseholes
about the whole thing.

31
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:48,360
By Friday, I was genuinely this close

32
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,480
from just getting everyone in
the village minibus

33
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:52,760
and driving the wrong way
down the dual carriageway.

34
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,360
Just take everyone down with me.

35
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,840
- Ready?
- Yeah. I've gotta grab my eggs.

36
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:10,400
KERRY:  So, we're going to
the train station to surprise the vicar,

37
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,240
because I want to tell him how well
I've been looking after the chickens.

38
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,520
I just want him to come back
as soon as possible

39
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:17,560
so everything can go back to normal.

40
00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:21,640
Yeah, and tell him about the chickens.

41
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:29,080
I can't wait to give the vicar
these freshly lain eggs.

42
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:30,360
He's gonna love it.

43
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,760
I can't wait to give Vicar
a piece of my mind.

44
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,840
If he goes away again he'll have to
take all them loons with him,

45
00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,320
because I ain't going through
a week like that again. No chance.

46
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:42,880
Well, I absolutely loved this week,
and Vicar can ask me to help any time.

47
00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:45,600
Yeah, because all you had to do
is collect chicken eggs, Kerry.

48
00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:48,080
Those are the sort of jobs given to
people who've had brain injuries.

49
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:52,520
(SCOFFS) Kurtan, it's a lot harder
than just collecting chicken eggs.

50
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:55,480
Like, you try filling up
a feeder with seed

51
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,080
when your flock hasn't eaten
for six hours.

52
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,440
What time train is Vicar actually on?

53
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:03,080
He said the lunchtime train.

54
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,880
Ah! Vicar's car.

55
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,560
Ah!

56
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:11,240
"Jesus is my airbag."

57
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,880
I'm surprised someone ain't put
a brick through that window.

58
00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:15,600
- Yeah.
- Uh-oh!

59
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,600
Travel pillow.

60
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,560
He won't have left that behind on purpose.

61
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,120
Mm. That's silly, because I know

62
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,000
he won't be able to sleep
on the train without it.

63
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,360
His head will be
completely free-ranging.

64
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,200
I can't wait to see Vicar.

65
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:34,680
He's probably going to ask me
to look after the chickens full time.

66
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,720
Oh, can you just stop
talking about chickens?

67
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,040
The reason Kurtan hates
me talking about the chickens

68
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:44,840
is because it reminds him
of when he got bullied at school,

69
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:46,920
because everyone used to
call him Chicken Boy,

70
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,800
because he looks
so much like a chicken.

71
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,720
And this one time in art class,

72
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:54,280
Darren Lacey drew a picture
of the evolution of Kurtan,

73
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:58,320
which was basically like an egg
and then it was a chicken

74
00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,120
and then a Kurtan.

75
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:04,400
It's actually quite clever.

76
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,560
God, I don't think
we've been on this platform

77
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,160
since Gramps took us
on that holiday to Weymouth.

78
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,000
Yeah, I was just thinking that.

79
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:30,880
- How old were we? Like, 11?
- Yeah.

80
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:34,440
What a week that was.
That was great.

81
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:40,680
Yeah, I don't really have fond memories
of that holiday, to be fair.

82
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,560
Why?

83
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:43,640
You know why.

84
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:45,840
The pantomime?

85
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:47,840
Yeah.

86
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,360
Can I tell them?

87
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,560
Yeah, so, we went to
the Weymouth Pavilion

88
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,360
to go and see the summer pantomime,

89
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:03,160
and Toadfish from  Neighbours,
right, was playing Wishy Washy.

90
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,800
And it was Kurtan's birthday,
so he pulled Kurtan up on stage.

91
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:10,400
And then it was the interval
and the curtains came down,

92
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,080
and what did he say to you?

93
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,800
He said I was the worst kid
he ever called up on stage.

94
00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:19,160
He was like, "You gave me
nothing out there.

95
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,040
"I had them in the palm of my hand
with that never-ending handkerchief gag,

96
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:23,880
"and you totally killed the room.

97
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,000
"It was like bouncing off a black hole."

98
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,920
He...chucked me my goodie bag
and said,

99
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,760
"Get out there and smile,
you nasty little pom."

100
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,920
Does that surprise you?

101
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,640
Because, personally...

102
00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,080
...he charmed me in  Celebrity Big Brother.

103
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:43,280
- (SCOFFS)
- He really did.

104
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,880
Yeah, because it's a performance. Yeah?

105
00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:49,320
He knows someone's watching.
He never switches off.

106
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,800
But when the curtain comes down
and the wig comes off...

107
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,640
...he's a monster.

108
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,800
Is that a train coming in?

109
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:12,800
Is it?

110
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,480
Yeah, train's coming.

111
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,520
Thank the Lord!

112
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,840
Here he comes, here he comes.

113
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,400
Can you see him?

114
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,200
Where is he?

115
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:39,360
He's not here.

116
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,320
Oh, for fuck's sake!

117
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:44,840
He must be getting the next one.

118
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,640
Yeah, and that ain't coming in
for another 45 minutes.

119
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:50,880
- That's so annoying.
- That's  really  annoying.

120
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:56,080
Do you know what? That's so typical
of him, that sort of airy-fairy attitude.

121
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,040
I wouldn't be surprised if he's just
wandered onto the Hogwarts Express,

122
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:00,880
because his head's
so in the fuckin' clouds.

123
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,120
Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised.

124
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:06,640
That man is about as street smart
as Will Ferrell in  Elf.

125
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:10,760
KERRY:  The vicar...

126
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,120
...is not street smart.

127
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,560
Like, this one time he got into

128
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:18,720
a conversation at Swindon bus station
with a prostitute about the weather,

129
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:23,240
and a pimp ended up charging him £500
for the pleasure of her company.

130
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:26,720
Yeah. And as he was walking
the vicar to the cashpoint,

131
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,400
the vicar tried to snap
his bank card in his pocket,

132
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,760
but the pimp noticed and slapped him
round the back of the head,

133
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,720
took his money and then
nicked his Fitbit, for good measure.

134
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,120
He lost a whole month's worth
of step data that was on it.

135
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,960
Don't  ever  pull tricks on a pimp.

136
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,120
(BIRDSONG)

137
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,680
(EXHALES)

138
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,320
(ANNOUNCEMENT OVER TANNOY)

139
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:01,680
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Who's that?

140
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,960
Oh, fuck's sake, it's Peggy.

141
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,160
Who's Peggy?

142
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,160
Fuckin' faffmeister-general
from camera club.

143
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:11,760
Hello, Peggy?

144
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,680
Yes, speaking.

145
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,600
Yes, hi, Peggy, I said that.

146
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:27,400
Yeah.

147
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,360
Ye... OK. Code...

148
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:31,400
Mm.

149
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,040
Yes. Code f...

150
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,560
OK.

151
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:41,800
OK, yeah, code...
code for the door is 2146, OK?

152
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,320
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) 2146.

153
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,320
OK. Yeah, get a pen.

154
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,560
(LAUGHS)

155
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,000
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)

156
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,120
Hello?

157
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,880
Yes, Peggy, have you got a pen?

158
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,240
Yes, I'm still here.

159
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,880
Right. 2146.

160
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,000
21... Yeah?

161
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:14,600
...46.

162
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,520
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION) Two...

163
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:22,000
Two turtle doves. Right?

164
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,920
One... On its own, as in number one.

165
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,080
- Four as in...G4.
- (KERRY LAUGHS)

166
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,280
Six...

167
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,480
...as in the number six, spelt S-I-X.

168
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,920
No! No, the G...

169
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:40,160
...the G was just a reference point
to what the number...

170
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,840
It... 2146.

171
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,440
(SHOUTS) 2146!

172
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:51,800
No G! No, because it's just...it's just
numbers on the...on the door code.

173
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,480
It's... Look, listen! Shhh!

174
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:56,920
2146!

175
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,400
2... 21...

176
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:01,440
Oh, shit.

177
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:03,000
(PHONE BEEPS)

178
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,720
I... Sorry, sorry, I just...

179
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:09,680
I shouldn't actually have to be dealing
with this. The vicar should be back.

180
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,760
- What the fuck?
- What?

181
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,080
(LAUGHS)
It's the Tudor Roses society.

182
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,920
What the hell's that?

183
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,680
Well, it's just a group of people
that dress like Tudor times

184
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,800
and meet up in random old places

185
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,320
and say stuff like "good morrow"
to each other

186
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:48,400
and, "How many groats for
your finest pig?" That sort of shit.

187
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,400
Why on earth would anyone
wanna do that?

188
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,640
Well, you know how some people,
like, feel they've been born

189
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:55,400
- in the wrong body and that?
- Yeah.

190
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:58,240
Well, they feel like they've been born
in the wrong century.

191
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,440
And apparently,
it's actually really un-PC

192
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,840
to talk to them about anything modern.

193
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,440
How do you know that?

194
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:05,720
Slugs told me.

195
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,120
- He was in the Tudor Roses.
- Really?

196
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:09,400
Yeah.

197
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:13,040
I saw him in the village once
walking with his ruff around his neck.

198
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:14,320
What's a ruff?

199
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:16,880
You know, one of them things
Shakespeare wears.

200
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:19,400
No.

201
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,800
And that little spoilt...little pug
in  Pocahontas  wears one.

202
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,200
Oh, yeah!

203
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:31,560
I always thought that Slugs
wore that for a health thing.

204
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:34,160
What?

205
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,720
I thought it was like
some sort of air filter.

206
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,800
That's... That's absolutely insane!

207
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:48,400
It's Tudor fashion.

208
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,040
Yeah, I  was  surprised that Slugs
was into Tudor re-enactment.

209
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:59,880
But, to be honest, I think there was
a large sexual element to it...

210
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:05,800
...because Slugs told me about these role
plays that Kayleigh would make him do...

211
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:10,960
...where she played this character called
Filthy Rose, who was a blind prostitute

212
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,920
and gets, er, bought at market
by Slugs's character, Lord Denimere.

213
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,360
And apparently Slugs used to
do Kayleigh doggie style

214
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,360
to the song  Greensleeves.

215
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,800
- This will really cheer you up.
- What?

216
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:44,680
Mum had a  massive  barney yesterday
with Steve from the dairy farm.

217
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:45,800
What about?

218
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:49,160
Over, like, six quid of unpaid milk.

219
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,040
(SCOFFS) Pathetic.

220
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:54,960
Pathetic. But she thinks,
right, that she's paid it

221
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,760
- and he thinks she hasn't paid it.
- Yeah.

222
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,480
And there's been, like,
some massive mix-up on the way.

223
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,800
But she was, like, on the phone,
going, "I paid you it,"

224
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,960
and he was like, "You haven't paid me it!"

225
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,000
- (LAUGHS)
- It was  hilarious,  mate.

226
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,000
That's brilliant.

227
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,320
Shall I ring her now, pretend I'm Steve?

228
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,280
She'll go absolutely psycho.

229
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,360
But, yeah, ring her, yeah.

230
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:27,240
Can you do Steve's voice?

231
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,720
Yeah, I'll try.

232
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:31,120
(RINGING TONE)

233
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,000
Hello, is Sue there, please?

234
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:41,520
Is that Sue, is it?

235
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:44,480
Can you hear me, Sue?

236
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,320
Can you speak up a bit, please, Sue?

237
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,960
You know that milk we delivered last week?

238
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,120
Well, can you nip round
with the money today?

239
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,800
Oh, she hung up.

240
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:09,520
I told you! What did I say?
I told you she'd go mental.

241
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:11,240
That was brilliant.

242
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,440
Ring her again?

243
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,440
Yeah, ring her again, yeah.

244
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,080
(RINGING TONE)

245
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:20,400
Hello, is that Sue?

246
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:24,800
Guess who this is?

247
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:28,400
Yeah.

248
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:34,520
That's right, yeah, Now, you know what
I'm gonna ask you, don't you?

249
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:40,760
(PHONE BEEPS)

250
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:41,960
Brilliant.

251
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:43,840
- Oh, that was good!
- Superb.

252
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,200
That couldn't have gone better.

253
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,400
Bravo. Well done. That was brilliant.

254
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:50,720
Oh!

255
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:55,960
Well, it's sad, actually,
about Steve, cos...

256
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,120
...the dairy farm's really struggling
at the moment.

257
00:14:58,160 --> 00:14:59,680
- Yeah.
- That six quid probably means

258
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,520
- quite a lot to him.
- Yeah.

259
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,720
Getting undercut by
all them supermarkets and that.

260
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,520
Tried to top himself, didn't he?

261
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:10,840
He did, yeah.

262
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:16,440
In his barn. Hung a noose
on the rafters of the barn.

263
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,200
(ANNOUNCEMENT OVER TANNOY)

264
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,120
His wife found him.

265
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,360
- (PHONE VIBRATES)
- Oh, fuckin' hell!

266
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,360
- Who's that?
- Oh, this fuckin' phone.

267
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,480
It's the bane of my life.

268
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:56,760
Hello?

269
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:01,320
Yeah.

270
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,120
Oh, right. Oh, God, OK.

271
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:07,800
Right.

272
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:09,240
Er, no, that wasn't me.

273
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:10,840
No, it's got nothing to do with me.

274
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,120
- No, chickens is...
- What about the chickens?

275
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:15,240
Yeah, that's Kerry's field.
Well, I'll pass you over, then.

276
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,880
OK, cheers, Mrs Wicks.

277
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,480
- She wants to talk to you.
- Hello? How's me cluck-a-lucks?

278
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:26,760
What?

279
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:32,640
But I...

280
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,640
I shut... I'm  sure  I shut the door!

281
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,680
Oh...

282
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,880
What about Edna?

283
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,920
OK. Well...

284
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,640
...thanks...for calling.

285
00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,240
Yeah.

286
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,080
What was that about?

287
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:11,120
Somebody left the door open
on the chicken coop.

288
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,840
Fox got in.

289
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,000
They're all gone.

290
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,360
What, they escaped?

291
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:26,880
They're gone, Kur.

292
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:31,520
Oh, dear.

293
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:33,520
Oh, dear.

294
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,560
The vicar won't be happy, I don't think.

295
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,720
The parish chickens?
He's had them a while, as well.

296
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:44,560
He loved them.

297
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:49,560
You can't trust Kerry with anything.

298
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,080
She'll either break it or sell it.

299
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,840
Or just let it be killed.

300
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:58,000
I remember, at school,
Kerry baby-sat my Tamagotchi.

301
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,400
By the time I got it back,
the screen was so full of turds

302
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,760
it was just awash with pixelated shite.

303
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:07,240
Another innocent life
snuffed out by that oaf.

304
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,280
Vicar better be on this train.

305
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,640
No, he won't. This is a Hereford train.

306
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,680
He won't be on it...unfortunately.

307
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:25,280
Hey, what do you fancy for dinner tonight?

308
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:26,920
I don't think I'll eat anything.

309
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,440
I quite fancy some chicken Kievs.

310
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:34,320
What a fuckin' dickish thing to say.
Why would you fuckin' say that?

311
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:37,240
Do you know anywhere
I can get some chicken meat from?

312
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,600
From some freshly
slaughtered chickens.

313
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,120
Oh, well, you should know.

314
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,840
What do you mean?

315
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:49,080
You know what everyone
calls you is Chicken Boy.

316
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:50,240
Why?

317
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:51,920
Because you look like a chicken

318
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,600
and your great big nose and
your fuckin' spindly little chicken wings.

319
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,960
Oh, thanks! That's...
You're getting personal.

320
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,840
- Yeah. I will get personal.
- Thanks for that. Well done.

321
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,520
You're just bitter
cos you killed your chickens,

322
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:01,880
let 'em get slaughtered by a fox.

323
00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:03,000
What the...?

324
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,080
- Ow!
- How fuckin' dare you say that?

325
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:07,120
What are you doing?

326
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:08,880
- Yeah, you wouldn't.
- Yeah, I would.

327
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:10,800
You wouldn't.

328
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:11,920
You wouldn't.

329
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,280
- What? Try me.
- (DOORS-CLOSING ALARM)

330
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,600
Give me the shoe back.

331
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:15,960
Give me the shoe back.

332
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,920
Come on, come on!

333
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,000
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

334
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:35,080
No-o-o-o-o!

335
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:37,200
Why would you do that?!

336
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,880
Fuck's sake!

337
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:44,960
Fuck!

338
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:13,320
My chickens have just been
slaughtered by a fox.

339
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:19,120
And to help me with my grief...

340
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:23,840
...you've taken my right shoe

341
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:26,480
from the pair of my only shoes

342
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:30,240
and thrown it on a train
heading to Paddington.

343
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,280
- Yeah.
- May I ask why you did that?

344
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,560
Dunno. Just annoyed, I think.

345
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,560
There he is, look.

346
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,160
Vicar!

347
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:06,280
Vicar!

348
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,320
He's got his fuckin' headphones in.

349
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:10,560
Shall I scare him?

350
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:16,960
(KURTAN LAUGHS)

351
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,000
(REV FRANCIS CRIES OUT)

352
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,360
(KERRY LAUGHS)

353
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,960
Kerry! Kurtan!

354
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,920
- What on earth are you doing?
- What are  you  doing?

355
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,560
I had the shock of my life.

356
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,120
KURTAN: Fuck!

357
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,680
Why did...? Why did you do that?

358
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,000
Why did you do that?

359
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:52,480
That could not have gone better for me.

360
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,120
That is a crazy thing to do, Kurtan.

361
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,160
I'm sorry! It was just a surprise!

362
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:58,640
I thought it would be funny.

363
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,520
(LAUGHS) You can't just
jump at people like that!

364
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:04,120
I mean, you are a silly-billy.

365
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,320
- You were so scared!
- Ohhh!

366
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:08,360
- I wasn't scared.
- You gave me the shock of my life.

367
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,880
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

368
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,200
My goodness! Sorry, I was
in a world of my own there.

369
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,280
I'll carry this to the car for you.

370
00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:16,640
What are you both doing here?

371
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,360
- To surprise you!
- Surprise you.

372
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,800
Oh, that's lovely! Thank you, Kerry.

373
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:23,320
- Instead, you shunt me into that.
- Well, I didn't mean it.

374
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:25,560
- You gave me a shock.
- You fell on the ground!

375
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,040
Oh! Oh, good Lord.

376
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:31,520
That was an absolutely brilliant punked,

377
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,640
but the punker got punked, as well.

378
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:36,240
Oh, dear.

379
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,040
- Are you all right with that?
- Mm.

380
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,160
Kerry, what happened to your other shoe?

381
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,720
Kurtan threw it on a train to Paddington.

382
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,600
Why would you do that, Kurtan?

383
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,840
You don't know
the half of the story, Vicar.

384
00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:56,960
It's such a strange thing to do.

385
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,040
Did you miss us, Vicar?

386
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,400
Yes, I did miss you.

387
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,360
- Really?
- Well, yes, of course!

388
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,080
Did you...did you cry
because you missed us so much?

389
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:09,720
No, I didn't cry.

390
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:11,760
But...

391
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:16,200
...well I...I did get a bit teary

392
00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:20,240
when you sent me that picture of you both
with the chickens. (CHUCKLES)

393
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:26,640
Right.

394
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:28,280
Shotgun front.

395
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:40,720
Vicar? Erm, would you say
that the parish chickens

396
00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:44,480
are more like livestock to you
than pets, would you say?

397
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,480
Erm, why are you asking that, Kerry?

398
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,360
I was just curious to know.

399
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:49,800
Small talk.

400
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,280
KURTAN: Go on, then.

401
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:01,360
That's it, put your weight into it.

402
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,480
Yeah! Big slugger.

403
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,360
KURTAN:  Now Vicar's back,
I feel like a weight's been lifted.

404
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:10,600
Yeah, it was great for him
to have that little trip away,

405
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,000
see Jacob, an' that,

406
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:14,520
but, you know, it's good
that he's home now.

407
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:17,080
And you can tell he's relieved
to be away from Bristol.

408
00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:18,920
I mean, who wouldn't be?

409
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:20,760
I mean, utter stink hole.

410
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,520
REV FRANCIS:  Well, it's always lovely
coming back to the village.

411
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,920
I'm so deeply fond of it.

412
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:29,240
Um...

413
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:33,440
...I...just have to tell you that...

414
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:34,920
...I do have some news.

415
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:39,640
Erm, I've perhaps not been
entirely honest with you.

416
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,560
But I had my reasons. Erm...

417
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:46,240
...my trip was only partly to see Jacob.

418
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,520
Er, the main reason was, I had, er...

419
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:53,120
...a meeting with the archbishop to...

420
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:57,320
...well, to confirm my transfer
to a new parish...

421
00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:58,840
...in Bristol.

422
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,480
So, er, yeah, big news.

423
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:08,120
Erm, it's something that's been
brewing for a while, but, erm...

424
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:10,000
...I just felt for obvious reasons

425
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:13,120
that I had to sort of
keep a little bit quiet about it.

426
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,440
But, erm, now it's been confirmed
I wanted to...

427
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:17,840
...to share that with you.

428
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,080
Ow!

429
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:27,680
Agh!

430
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,120
PRODUCER:  Have you told
Kerry and Kurtan yet?

431
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:35,440
Er, no. Er, I haven't told
Kerry and Kurtan yet, and, er...

432
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:40,480
...I will do, but, erm, if I'm honest,
I'm not entirely...

433
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,840
...sure I want to, er, add
to their burdens,

434
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,880
with, er, the week
they've just had. Erm...

435
00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:51,800
But, erm, I will be telling them
the situation very soon,

436
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,320
er, as soon as I find the right moment.

437
00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,160
Go down here, on here.

438
00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:00,520
(KERRY YELLS)

439
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:03,480
Ah!

440
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,760
Welcome to  Jackass!  I'm Johnny Knoxville.

441
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,280
And I'm Steve-O.

442
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:10,960
Boom!